swankivy.com - writing page

This page is here to collect examples of my writing that are silly, pointless, nonsensical, weird, or otherwise uncategorizable . . . but still worthy of sharing. Many of these are left over from high school, because I wrote a lot of pointless crap then, and also a bunch of these pieces are collaborative works. (Those are credited where appropriate.)

If you like this, you might also enjoy the Silly Essays section of my essays page.

Clever, Yet Stupid: Funny Gems

The Résumé of Charles H. Toadie A professional résumé for a young man who wishes to be recruited as a minion to a villain.

My Shit Doesn't Stink What revelations spring forth when one decides to take a figure of speech literally!

Life Among the Furry Creatures A strange and disturbingly heartwarming poem. No, really. (Well, after the heartwarming part, foul language ensues. In buckets.)

SwankiVY answers her e-mail Sometimes I get backed up in e-mail and I go on an inbox-cleaning quest. Here you can witness an attack of massive proportions on a mailbox stuffed full of more than 100 e-mails. Took place starting January 10, 2009.

God Stuff: Religious Brain Detritus

Fever: A Strange God-Concept Something I wrote about odd ideas of God when I was sick and had a fever.

To An Eternal Being. . . . Omnipotence is a rather horrifying concept, actually. This explores that.

I Am God, Hear Me Roar! What God might say to His followers if he was in an extremely casual, somewhat foul-mouthed mood.

High School Silliness

High School Agenda I had a cheapo "agenda" book that I was supposed to keep my schedule straight with. Instead, I filled it with very silly things.

My Year Plan for 1996 From my senior year planner, I present . . . my plan for the year. Obviously it's all made up.

Insane Oatanese Rant This is something I wrote using the letter keys on my graphing calculator when I was in twelfth grade. I was apparently bored in math class. I found this gem literally years later while poking through the saved stuff in my old TI-82.

Sonnets from Crazed Butt-Monkeys These are not sonnets, and its authors are not butt-monkeys, and usually we also were not particularly crazed. But this was a group effort between me and some friends, as a response to some stupid pretentious poet we saw read somewhere who tried to shock people by reciting a poem with sexual words in it and then coyly asking "Can I say . . . ORGASM??"

True Stories from People or Puppy-Children A bunch of lies. We thought we were funny.

Helpful Hints This is a REALLY long document and I don't suggest you read it unless you REALLY have nothing better to do. It's a list of behavior suggestions my friends and I passed around in high school for a few weeks and added to.

Your Ticket to Individuality Written by my high school friend Amy and me in response to a sarcastic question we got asked: "So, how can I be as cool and individual as YOU?"

Silly Conversations

Stinkbug This is a recorded chat room conversation which was funny, nonsensical, and full of some pretty bad language.

IM with RangFlashZ One of my pals and I had a goofy IM, full of surreal suggestions and bad language.

Absolute Nonsense

The Best of Beach The sentences make sense grammatically, and are sometimes amusing, but overall it means nothing at all. Some of the sentence fragments were made up, but others were nicked randomly from whatever books I was reading at the time.

True Nonsense Free association at its weirdest. Misspellings are intentional because this is a preserved document from high school.

Backlinks:
MAIN PAGE
WRITING PAGE

Clever, Yet Stupid: Funny Gems
The Résumé of Charles H. Toadie	A professional résumé for a young man who wishes to be recruited as a minion to a villain.
My Shit Doesn't Stink	What revelations spring forth when one decides to take a figure of speech literally!
Life Among the Furry Creatures	A strange and disturbingly heartwarming poem. No, really. (Well, after the heartwarming part, foul language ensues. In buckets.)
SwankiVY answers her e-mail	Sometimes I get backed up in e-mail and I go on an inbox-cleaning quest. Here you can witness an attack of massive proportions on a mailbox stuffed full of more than 100 e-mails. Took place starting January 10, 2009.

God Stuff: Religious Brain Detritus
Fever: A Strange God-Concept	Something I wrote about odd ideas of God when I was sick and had a fever.
To An Eternal Being. . . .	Omnipotence is a rather horrifying concept, actually. This explores that.
I Am God, Hear Me Roar!	What God might say to His followers if he was in an extremely casual, somewhat foul-mouthed mood.
High School Silliness
High School Agenda	I had a cheapo "agenda" book that I was supposed to keep my schedule straight with. Instead, I filled it with very silly things.
My Year Plan for 1996	From my senior year planner, I present . . . my plan for the year. Obviously it's all made up.
Insane Oatanese Rant	This is something I wrote using the letter keys on my graphing calculator when I was in twelfth grade. I was apparently bored in math class. I found this gem literally years later while poking through the saved stuff in my old TI-82.
Sonnets from Crazed Butt-Monkeys	These are not sonnets, and its authors are not butt-monkeys, and usually we also were not particularly crazed. But this was a group effort between me and some friends, as a response to some stupid pretentious poet we saw read somewhere who tried to shock people by reciting a poem with sexual words in it and then coyly asking "Can I say . . . ORGASM??"
True Stories from People or Puppy-Children	A bunch of lies. We thought we were funny.
Helpful Hints	This is a REALLY long document and I don't suggest you read it unless you REALLY have nothing better to do. It's a list of behavior suggestions my friends and I passed around in high school for a few weeks and added to.
Your Ticket to Individuality	Written by my high school friend Amy and me in response to a sarcastic question we got asked: "So, how can I be as cool and individual as YOU?"
Silly Conversations
Stinkbug	This is a recorded chat room conversation which was funny, nonsensical, and full of some pretty bad language.
IM with RangFlashZ	One of my pals and I had a goofy IM, full of surreal suggestions and bad language.
Absolute Nonsense
The Best of Beach	The sentences make sense grammatically, and are sometimes amusing, but overall it means nothing at all. Some of the sentence fragments were made up, but others were nicked randomly from whatever books I was reading at the time.
True Nonsense	Free association at its weirdest. Misspellings are intentional because this is a preserved document from high school.