These wonderful suggestions, when taken to heart, will either brighten up your entire life or lead to your death. Or, more probably, they will simply make you look very, very silly. These Helpful Hints were written by a great many people and are coded as so. They are written with the same spelling and grammar as the original artists used. Have fun!

(+)=Helpful hint by me! (*)=by Amy! (%)=by Ammy! (^)=by Mike! (&)=by Jenny! (#)=by Tara! (~)=by Gabe! (@)=by Patricia! (!)=by Mia!

(+) 1. Chew on stuff that's not food.

(*) 2. Keep live iguanas in your underwear.

(+) 3. Nail yourself to the ceiling periodically.

(*) 4. Converse with argyle sock puppets.

(+) 5. Clean your teeth by chewing on rope.

(*) 6. Forget how to hear.

(+) 7. Greet people by licking their left heel.

(*) 8. Help cats take baths by spitting on them.

(+) 9. On the 3rd Tuesday of every month, obtain a globberbaum with chicken pox and shove a used grimsby up his ass.

(%)10. Watch Animaniacs 50 times a day in the week 100 times on the weekend

(+)11. Find someone who's laxobigging and give them some cauliflower.

(*)12. Julie, I have a thing for your left shoelace.

(%)13. speak in languages no one understands using enough english words so that everyone feels stupid not knowing what your saying and agree so you'll think they know what your saying.

(*)14. what if the faces on Mount Rushmore started to get the hiccups?

(%)15. They would make a googie. You should draw eyes on your eyelids and then you could fall asleep in class and no one would know.

(+)16. Excorsise a spirit from an evil cow.

(%)17. stuff a dead dog and take him to an audition to be in the movie K-9 cop.

(*)18. Give me the answers to my math test, 'cause I'm gonna fail.

(+)19. Get your Dad when he's sleeping by sticking some superglue on his finger and then shoving it up his nose.

(%)20. draw a face on the end of your chin

(*)21. Swallow forty-seven SPAM tabs at once, and then you'll have a whole SPAM can for a BM.

(+)22. Be so sickeningly cute that you make old men gag.

(%)23. Make a song like Bubba Bo Bob Brain and this time do it right.

(*)24. Eat this paper.

(+)25. Whenever you trip over your feet, laugh like you're criminally insane and cluck like Chicken Boo.

(%)26. Act like the Karatee dude on the we'll be back on Fox like yesterday and kick yourself on the head.

(*)27. Call yourself the stallion, and neigh whenever someone calls your name.

(+)28. Hide a camera in your toilet.

(*)29. Shout "French people suck" at 4:29 P.M.

(+)30. Have sex with Gumby's mother.

(*)31. Wear your purple bra so tight that you get the pricklee-purples.

(+)32. Tell your history teacher that a sheep stole your cheese.

(*)33. Go up in the elevators in office buildings, and when the door opens, expose your genitalia, and yell, "Freak!"

(+)34. I like male horses.

(*)35. Call Pizza Hut, and order the Egg Foo Yung.

(+)36. Stand on your head butt-naked and yell "Redrum!"

(*)37. Name your first child "plaid", and tell him that when he was born, he came out plaid, and that's how you named him.

(+)38. Suck on a roosebeck seductively until your penis turns green.

(*)39. Secure a small bird to your forehead with a piece of ABC gum, and when people ask, tell them it's a zit.

(+)40. Go up to Saltzy in class one day and have sex with him-you know he won't notice.

(*)41. Draw broccoli on your elbow, and go to the Wendy's salad bar. Start a conversation with someone who's getting their salad, and casually put your elbow in their salad.

(+)42. Find someone who's obsessed with a TV show that's on channel 6 at 3:30 and beat them with a blunt object.

(*)43. Buy a slave. After a long day in the fields, Pretend you've snapped, and try to convince him that _you_ are the slave. Change your mind the next morning

(+)44. Shove a giant jawbreaker up your nose.

(*)45. Nasal sex is against the rules; I can't.

(+)46. Kill anyone who makes a face at you.

(*)47. Bury them under Saltzy's old room.

(+)48. Bite a nice chunk out of the chalkboard.

(*)49. Become an evangelist.

(+)50. Wear a box on your hand to school with a little hole in the side, and say it's your pet and that it got hungry.

(*)51. Become posessed by Bozo the clown's doppelganger, and throw pies at people, and call your best friend "Cookie."

(+)52. Lick guava trees.

(*)53. It really doesn't hurt.

(+)54. Live in a shoe for about a week.

(*)55. Create mass-hysteria.

(+)56. Go to a friend's classroom and tell the teacher that your friend must come out, because you have an urgent and personal message for them. When they come out, smack them real hard and yell, "TAG! You're it!" and run away.

(*)57. Alex is cool. He said "naked" in the middle of English class. That's pretty cool. She kind of ignored it. Maybe it's the fact that she was in PLAYBOY in October of 1968. I can't believe they asked her about it. She denied it. Alex is cool. He said "naked."

(+)58. Smash every clock in your sight with a large mallet.

(*)59. See that poster that says "Arthurette Miller"? It's got pot on it.

(+)60. Whenever you throw up, look deep into your puddle to see if you can find the secrets of existence.

(*)61. Raise your hand, and ask Mrs. Gondek if you can fill in the Word Journal SAT. Then put in the word "Penis."

(+)62. Shave sheep and then shove your tongue down their throat.

(*)63. Turn around and look at the girl with the velvet Converse. She looks like a zebra on acid.

(+)64. Kill xenophobic Tims.

(*)65. There is no such thing as perfection.

(+)66. Arrange for Saltzy and Laundy to go out on a date together.

(*)67. Don't you hate it when people try to brag about doing something they think is cool, but really isn't.

(+)68. Learn the sign language for the phrase, "please fondle my bum."

(*)69. <---What a great number. I was going to put it on my jersey, but I thought it was cheesey.

(+)70. I like indigo.

(*)71. I was going to say "I like girls," but I thought better of it.

(+)72. Lick metal in winter.

(*)73. Nikki is drooling on her lit book.

(+)74. Eat unidentified plastic objects.

(*)75. There are 12 people with their heads down in this room.

(+)76. Laundy says "S.O.B." means "Sweet Old Bob." We should think of some other stuff that "S.O.B." means. Like "Some Old Bum" or "Suck On Butts."

(*)77. Make the sign language sign for throwing up whenever Tim uses the word "shit" in place of an object he owns.

(+)78. Give Mrs. Gondek's pin some fish food.

(*)79. Is Mike cracking up right now?

(+)80. Go out with someone who's eight years younger than you and teach them some stuff.

(*)81. Hey, there _is_ somebody naked in English today. That Bareskin guy. (HA, HA)

(+)82. wear unnecessary clothing like the colonists!

(*)83. It's fuckin' freezing in here. I should.

(+)84. Invent a cool, snazzy way of doing laundry. (Laundy!)

(*)85. Have flirtations with Puritan women.

(+)86. In operas, whenever people throw roses, throw a potted plant.

(*)87. I want to be in the buffalo nickel Club.

(+)88. Puke on at least one grandma per month.

(*)89. Massage my shoulder before you eat it.

(+)90. Manage household doodies.

(*)91. Play with the donkey on Laundy's bookcase.

(+)92. Offer Satan some cinnimon buns.

(*)93. Get a 68% on your History test.

(+)94. Get some sea monkeys.

(*)95. Call people in number 67 "Hernwiggles."

(+)96. Have kinky sex with a bar of soap.

(*)97. That's against the rules too.

(+)98. Lick the words off of the pages of the books you read as soon as you read them.

(*)99. Catch a deadly virus in a jar, and release it in your younger sibling's bedroom.

(+)100. Fire a cannonball at Molly Pitcher.

(*)101. Laundy's t.v. is always on.

(%)102. Watch Randy Beamans' Pal and repeat what he says' to anyone who asks a question (draw pictures on your icecream)

(+)103. Piss on hot dogs.

(^)104. Smile when you fart.

(+)105. Eat all Spanish classwork.

(^)106. Go up to a 12 year old CHS student, and shove your tongue down his throat.

(+)107. How 'bout if we just wiggle here? Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle.