(This is an informal talk from God--but not really--to everyone here on Earth. Just my interpretation of what I think he might say to us. Be warned, though, there is some foul language here. Not for kiddies. Thanks.)
Hey everyone. This is God. How're y'all doing? I guess I can answer that myself. And I'll answer it out loud for ya: Not good. You guys are in deep shit. And don't act so surprised that I'm cursing. I created all you people so I must've created those words too. Refraining from saying them doesn't fool me into thinking you're a good person so curse however fucking much you want. It's just a word anyway, and if you want to offend or sicken someone, it's not the words you're using. It's the attitude behind it. So stop acting like the sin is in the words. Get a clue.
Here's what's going on. You guys are in deep shit, and it's not because of anything I'm going to do to you after you die. No way. You're in deep shit right now, and you're living in it daily; eating it, sleeping on it, and most importantly, thinking it. And you know why I say that? Because you are so wrapped up in your selfish little games to see who's right. And most of the time you're playing those games because someone told you you're doing it for someone else's own good. You're not. You think you've got it all figured out when everything you think, no matter if it's right or not, is your opinion. It's your opinion, you got that? I didn't put nothin' in that little head of yours. I quit doing that a long time ago, and it wasn't even in your plane of existence anyway. Everything you think is this ultimate truth is really dog snot. When it started at least it was relatively pure dog snot. But as you dumb bastards have passed that holy tissue full of canine mucus down to each other through the years, it's gotten some other shit in it. It's collected dust from the ages it's been through. As something goes through generations it's gotta change, guys, or it gets stagnant and dusty as Hell. It's also got cat snot mixed in with the dog snot. As you know, dogs and cats are enemies. But since you insist on shoving your tissue of dog snot near the cats, they inevitably sneezed on it a few times. And their germs got mixed in with your lovely little dog germs. And you ate it right up, didn't you? Mixed in with the dog snot, taken as dog snot, you believed it was dog snot, and you pretended it was always there. But more than anything, that age-old dog snot has got dirt from your hands in it.
I'm talking to you like this because you wouldn't understand otherwise. You think it's got to be dense to be truth, because the truth's gotta be oh so complicated. Well, see how well you understood the dense shit? I'm laying it out to you straight here, folks. First thing you gotta understand is that you are so totally screwed up in the way you think about me. Let's talk about the nature of God, shall we?
I was omnipotent, omniscient, and infinite for about as long as it took for me to realize I was. It sucked, you guys. So in all my infinite power, I made myself finite, and put some limits on my powers and knowledge. When I did that I had a chance to be good. I mean, you hypocrites have this saying that I'm supposed to be omnipotent and infinitely benevolent, yet you also say absolute power corrupts . . . absolutely. I decided there had to be some sort of force in the universe, something towards good, because everything would go to shit if there wasn't. You know? There's really got to be a supervisor to clean up after you people. When I was all those things that sound grand, when I was really God, I was mindless. I didn't have choices 'cause I always knew what I would do forever and ever, and that in itself made me this zombie. How could I care about you if it was all some game that would run its course? See, now I have a mind. I'm a lot more like you now. I can literally understand you, not just sit around existing. And I have limited myself to moving forward in time, past always behind, future always ahead. Do you see why I can't be this man on a throne in the sky who also knows everything?
And about my supposed creation of the universe . . . yeah, I created it, but I'm part of it, too. And when I made it come to be, it wasn't really a conscious decision. I didn't sit around in the clouds making you people out of clay in my image. I feel like the universe came to be when my thoughts were infinite, and everything in existence was actually a part of my mind. I didn't really mean to create you or your world or your universe, but I don't consider it a mistake, either. And not a damn thing in the universe surprises me. I just want you to understand that I'm using the word "created" for lack of a better word.
Another thing I'd like to discuss with you is that religion is a load of pig crap. Go ahead, laugh. It's pretty funny. And sad. People throw their lives down the toilet thinking they're "serving" their God or something. I think I can get my own beer from the fridge, thank you; I'm not especially interested in pulling down my drawers so you can kiss my ass either. Listen, if I'd wanted you guys to be my little slaves, I wouldn't have given you free will. And this is not a test of your faith, dammit. Your faith, what is that shit supposed to mean? Your faith in what? That your religion is the only true one? It's a package deal, you guys. It's a little system of beliefs wrapped up neatly in some books. You cannot wrap up life in some books. It's out there.
You are all on some kind of mission to make life better for other people, sure, whatever. That's totally fine, and I respect that, and if there was a Heaven I'd consider putting you in it for caring about your fellow man. It's cool. But you don't serve your fellow man by walking around giving your opinion on what happens after you die, how you can get the best deal, and whatever funny ideas about me you have. Or at least you shouldn't. If you think I told you you were to be humble, then think about that when you shove your way of life on people. You don't know you're right! You can believe it with every ounce of your being, but that does not make it true, and that does not make someone else wrong. Quit walking around and telling people that your personal opinion is some kind of wake-up call.
The sad thing about this whole religion thing is that half the people don't understand what they're preaching. I think that any religion that considers its main purpose to be the adoration of whatever they call God is a waste of time. You can appreciate the stuff I made if you want to. That's a nice compliment. But stop begging me to answer prayers and stuff . . . if it's supposed to happen it's supposed to happen. I have a special problem with this deal-making religion, Christianity. I don't have anything against Christians personally, most of the time. I just don't like the way it makes me out to be just as judgmental as you all. And I don't agree with how it sets up Jesus as the savior in such a way that if it was anything else it would be called blasphemy. If you are to only worship me, then what are you doing worshipping him? Oh, I get it, because he's supposed to be my son, or part of me or something. News flash, you guys. You're all as much of a part of me as he was. Plus, your legends say he didn't even die all the way, since he came back. Then he wasn't sacrificed, was he? How about Bob, the guy who died on the cross next to Jesus? Nobody cared that he suffered greatly and was wrongly crucified. Bunch of hypocrites. First of all, nobody had to die because you were bad. Secondly, him dying doesn't excuse you for being bad, now does it? Thirdly, couldn't I forgive you if I wanted to? I think so. Just because you let someone take your rap, you think you're saved? And from what?
There's this whole Heaven and Hell thing that I don't get either. I don't know if I really pay attention to what happens to y'all when you're dead, but you're not having tea with me. I know about you when you're alive, and it seems like you don't really die all that much either. Seems like you just sleep a lot. Could you open your eyes, please?
Religion can be a kinda cool thing, you guys. It's a positive idea; I hate seeing it go to waste like this. What I want you to do is believe what you want, fine, think you're right. But admit to yourself that you don't know it. And also, admit to yourself that you don't know someone else isn't right at the same time. Maybe there's more than one "right" way to live, huh? Whenever you enter a discussion with someone about what you believe, on any subject including religion, please be aware that you are not schooling the other person. I know exactly what you are thinking and both of you think you're right when you start an argument. When it ends, your minds don't have to be changed, but don't let that be the case because both of you shut your ears when the other's mouth opened.
Stop living your life out of a damn book! Remember that it's dog snot, and impure dog snot too. You don't know what breed of dog sneezed that shit; you don't even know when, or how many times it sneezed, or really if it was even a dog, truthfully. Maybe it's not even snot! Maybe it's vomit. You never know. As God, I'd really like to tell you I want you to live your life according to what's right, not according to some dog-snot doctrine. Your judgment is in you and you can listen to it. It's a piece of me, from back when I was infinite, and I was everything. I didn't take that away from you guys. I want you to use your brains, think about things. Does it really make sense that what you think is the truth is? As much as he smoked crack, I gotta like that Descartes guy. He sat around thinking 'Hey, maybe I don't exist!' Damn right, Descartes. He later decided he did exist, on the basis of a chain of rational thought. I beg you to think, not just spout, when you argue with people. As soon as you quote a verse you're wrong, because someone else said that. If you can say why it's right, by all means use it, but don't act like it's right because so-and-so said it. You can quote whoever you want as long as you can use it in support of your argument because it makes sense, not because it's there to believe. Just like I'm about to quote some dusty Greek philosopher. Plato, in recording the teachings of Socrates, wrote that something is loved by the gods because it is good. Well, guess what? Ancient Greece, for the most part, had that totally backwards! They thought that if the gods loved it, it was good. Not because it was good. They thought the gods loving it made it good. What utter shit. Remember that, okay? Stuff is good because it's good, not because it's in the Bible. If it's in the Bible, supposedly it's in there because it's good. But remember some of that is the dirt from your hands. And sometimes it's even cat snot. You have to figure out what's what.
Well, here's a few more pieces of advice from me. You don't have to love me, I really don't care. I don't expect your devotion, I don't expect you to believe in me, because after I tell you this I'll probably go exist some other way I haven't tried yet so you can't understand me anymore. You should stop being such jerks to each other. Think about why it would be bad to kick little Billy in the shins. And think about what your life means to you in itself. Oh, and I don't need any more peons. Ummm . . . respect your mother and father is a good commandment, I could deal with that. Don't let anything cloud your mind. Bathe often. Use positive reinforcement on children, and treat them like people, but not like little adults. Stop taking yourself so seriously. And quit missing my real miracles.
One more thing. It's a lie. I never had sex with Mary. But Jesus is my son, and so are you. You can feel free to love him, he was a great guy. But remember that there're other great people to love all around you. Some of them aren't getting the attention they deserve.