High School Agenda:
Behold, my high school planner.

I used to write in this cheapo agenda book every day some humorous account of what I'd done that day. (I decided it wasn't cool enough with just "agenda" written on it, so I drew the lunch lady.)

Most of what I wrote is highly uninteresting. What *is* funny and interesting is that the planner had little spaces for each week that read "special event" and "no. 1 priority," and at the bottom a large space for "special notes." Some of these were extremely strange and stupid! I am going to share these weekly quips for your benefit.

If you see text that is a link, click on it if you want to hear the story behind why I wrote it; some of them are not funny unless explained. (Each explanation will have a "back" link right after it to take you back to what you were reading.) If it makes no sense yet does not have a link, it is just a non sequitur weird thing that came out of my head in math class or something, or else you can rest assured it's just a school- or work-related note. All spelling is preserved as I wrote in high school. :P Lastly, beware the very disgusting language at times. Onward!

Special EventNo. 1 PrioritySpecial Notes
Livin' largeOatie possessionMy ass is cherry Jello. Her name is Weema. She's the shit.
Butt-bitin' USAFull frontal nudityMust stop . . . shpyder! in kindergarten, I learned to smoke weed. Ya know, "reefer."
beating of a monkeyHo-dee-doe.Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Ween. Mango Woman! Oh, ya . . . This shit will get you really really high!
posing nudeKick Magneto's ass.Juggernaut sucks. Magneto sucks! Bruce Day approaches! I'm white. Talk to me, you SILLY LITTLE FREAK!!!
Hoin'pumpin' for the manReminder to screw Tank Girl, should I ever become a lesbian.
Screw Tank Girl.slapping trespassersLori Petty is my personal savior. College approacheth! Po!!! Y Zogoba will eat your cute little fanny. Lick me more!
Mike's got mono!find a new catch phraseListen to Man or Astroman? Think about Mulch. The NAVEL of the HAIRY BRO! She's fluffy, not fat.
Keel mah landlode.bein' wack!Phil's getting me the purity test! Retainers suck, bro!
Cooking stuffed shroomsfuck Mia.Ok, Mez Jardan, you're one tough bitch, and your boss is a goddamn saint. MUFF! I am travelling back in time to say I WILL PUNISH YOU!
color therapydo Malcolm McDowellTHIS SUCKS! PHIL'S IN G'VILLE, I HAVE TOO MUCH HOMEWORK, + I WANT MY MAYPO! You are a gonad.
Pooper scoopin'strokin', strokin' the lizard.I never realized to what extent I suck at math. Clean me. Clean me NOW!
killin' school hosgnawing on a large turtleEye wil byte! Hot air balloons when chicken noodle soup. Bitey whitey will triumph over and gnaw upon your buttocks! Mah name's Porridge, Porridge Lump!
Blowin' goats!Marijuana, Marijuana LSD, LSDEat Jello. Go to BigLots for Animaniacs Jigsaw! Suck on butts. I ♥ Laundy!!!
masquerading as someone I'm notraising heckGo to Ace Ventura II with Phil!!! Aaron is a Rita. Mia is a Skippy. I AM A DOT! Look for Animaniacs Raisins! And walnut soda. Bug Brookee to get me stickers!
TOADSTOOLhave Phil's testicles removedDid you now that teachers are real people? They're not bionic robots. Cool, huh? I hate school. I WANNA WEEN! GIVE ME SLACK! Aah! Ween!
Exploring my oat heritagePo!When one of your legs is a pig, people can't help saying, "Oh! There's a pig there."
redemptionread R + G!!!!Bah, humbug! (Bweh!) Should I get in da hot tub? Yeah! Should I jizz in the watuh? Yeah! Call Heather!
HOT TUBradiation treatmentCheck for pasta replacements! Wiggies! Fruitcake! Queen Slug-for-a-butt! STUPID GIT!
molestation of sheepbreed mailboxesI must lick the palm for guava. See ya later, masturbater! After a while, pedifile.
GluttonyMeet Mr. Bollock-AppleGet Phil a present. Get music for tryout. Ask about Brain Bowl. Tape P+B special. Do critical paper. Go to Library. Practice All-State music. Plan a New Years' Party. Ask about auditions. Do English.
ratfuckKissin' Santa ClausKill the execs at Randolph-Macon. DO HOMEWORK
belchin' with WakkorottipantingThere are too many things that suck. My ass cannot open wide enough to engulf them all.
inhaling pasta sauceeat yeti food.He's gonna shit when he finds out it's SHIT! "You're the faggot."
cock-a-doodle-doo!investigate the origins of poo.Dean Ween cut his hair! That sucks! Shirley is my new friend!
fighting the powerbustin' a nut!TANGENT! STUMPY! I SUCK A LOT! Die Screaming with sharp things in your head. Fu' you!
likky-stikky.Billie needs to be blown.Remember the Rain Cake, bitch? TRIED BETTY SUE! F(x): 42 pairs of panties! Fla!
plug it up.JACK!Get some Jack! Mrs. Wind. My ass radar says . . . Po! Mr. Fairweather said, "I'm gonna go tinkle. 'For whom the bell tinkles,' it tinkles for me."
Give me SlackSasquatchMom + Dad owe me $179.24! TRACE YETI HERITAGE!
being whipped.wearing a kilt.209--poster for SAS. Make Interact recruit poster, to.
Wakkorotti!!!beat myself upside the head with a ripe banana for mistaping episodes #1, #2, #3, and #4.I AM A YAKKO!!!!! Nice shoes, let's fuck. I SEE PHIL SOOOON!! The Blue God of Death! ♥♥♥fuck you!♥♥♥
acorn hoardingblowing up MMPR TV Studio setI am a bat-wing-ed beeyatch straight from the nether regions of hell. have a nice day! O SPARROW! I WANT TO MARRY YOU! Make a poster! 209 = Zanatian's room. Wa-ah! (Laura)
Stoning at Jack'svomitI was so bored once, I fucked a dog. There is no side 2. Stop, stop, Ween! Tax thingy? Cornholio! Beavis Christ!
wiggie bitingswallowing the earth whole209 poster Dingo, hen, and fly. Put in request!
being an ugly white ho!Flying to Topeka to meet CookieBruce Party approacheth! Stump . . . Topeka is fun. Talk 2 Shawn about check, hours (Thurs) and raise (?) or DRA.
Create rats from shrubs.swank swankWhen the spaceship comes, we'll all be naked STUMPY!
lazy dayseat Sam + MaxHi, I'm TTAD, I'm here 4 my stuff--FAT HO! Dishwater! + Put it in a DIRTY GLASS!
Order dishwater in a dirty glassprocure 2 penises.Get some A! Mac + Cheese. Wear my fire hat a lot. Hygnwei! Eat fish, Ishmael.
lemon-scented tide-eatingspread 'em!Blast from the Past! Hi, I'm TTad . . . The little things of nature--they don't know that they're ugly.
dripping with bloodsacrificing eels to SatanFROP! FART ON MOM! UTTERLY JUVENILE FART/PEE HUMOR!!!
buttcamcinco de mayo!Stuff to find: Nick magazine, Mac + Cheese, trading cards, Comic Book, Pogs. Write to ivan stang about church membership. Here, Belle! Take a hit! Toilet Monkey!
wanking offgummy!!!jizzy-jizz-jizz. Bodacious circuit!
rabiditySpread 'em for homeless men on NebraskaWe came, we saw, we kicked some choral butt!
lanky swankde-beakingIt'll shtunt your growth! Fuish! Subfuish!
country album. Yee ha!line dancingYou fuck! Obscenity is the crutch of the inarticulate motherfucker!
joggingsweatin' to the oldiesask off: June 22 morning shift SAUCER!!!
bleeding from the mouthsee ya later, masturbaterDie screaming with sharp things in your head. I am wholly happy.
skankin'. (not)bloating!I was possessed by Black Wolf. It wasn't my fault. DON'T FORGET TO BLOW MIA OFTEN AND WELL. Po. You ever been with a Squirrel and a Stub?
darkness, you virginsSpam in the place where you liveDAMMIT, JANET! I WANNA SCREW! Stupid twat! Itchy snatch!
To see the entire list of explanations, go here.
To see the funny things I wrote for my "year plan" in the back of this planner, click here!