In the back of my planner, there was a silly section for "year plan," divided up by month. I filled it in with meaningless garbage, as was my way. Here it is for your reading enjoyment. If you see text that is a link, click on it if you want to hear the story behind why I wrote it; some of them are not funny unless explained. (Each explanation will have a "back" link right after it to take you back to what you were reading.) If it makes no sense yet does not have a link, it is just a non sequitur weird thing that came out of my head in math class or something, or else you can rest assured it's just a school- or work-related note. All spelling is preserved as I wrote in high school. :P Lastly, beware the very disgusting language at times.

JANUARY

get laid. (I'm the Chicken lady.) Purchase babies on the black market. Consume assloads of Spam. listen to lots + lots of Ween. Go to an ass-kicking convention. Kill an emu. Suck a lot. Marry Cat from Catspaw.

FEBRUARY

Lick the palm for guava. Seize the day. Put in a sick personals ad. Call the jizzwater café and order whale on rye. Kiss Mia all over her body. Learn to burp using club soda. Kill OJ Simpson. Try to market "Sad Meals." Have lots of sex. Become a member of the Hiawatha Wannabe Club.

MARCH

Get a lava lamp + watch it while shroomin'. Look up "dictionary" in the dictionary. Play X-men a lot at Tampa Lanes. Screw Björk. Moon unsuspecting passersby. Watch Ween footage. Finish "Bruce the Duck." Eat corn. Wear an elephant as a necklace. Tape eyes on my glasses. Decorate my pocket protector. Have a baby.

APRIL

Draw the Animaniacs several thousand times. Join the YMCA. Swim in cottage cheese. Do Tori Amos. Compete for the Upper Class Twit of the Year Trophy. Flick the lights on and off screaming "I am Thor, God of Thunder!" Read Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy 8 times. Vomit on a Bengal tiger. Get my ribs bandaged.

MAY

Find Rob Paulsen and fuck him hard. Talk backwards for an entire day! Spend the day as a homosexual rat. Eat Boo Radley's butt. Kidnap T.J., drug him, and leave him outside the police station for the cops to figure out. Drink a lot of beer.

JUNE

Write a book about a decade I didn't live through. Squeal "lookit me, lookit me!" for no reason. Sleep on a trampoline. Insult each member of Menudo. Wear plaid pants on "The George Carlin Show." Lick lice. Eat wood like a termite. Catch spinal meningitis. Smuggle cocaine like so many sausages up your ass. Do Michael Stipe. Blurt the merest idea if by random whim one occurs to me.

JULY

Encase my spleen in plastic. Put a wig in my butt. Rap with Dean Ween under a cotton candy machine. Make sure Mama's little baby loves shortnin' bread! Break it. Keep a can of Spam in my purse so that the homeless guy who steals my purse can eat. Develop an antihistimene for Sneezer. Do Aaron Freeman.

AUGUST

Glue a Chiefette who sucks to a lamppost. Burn some foul-smelling candles. Discover nuclear fusion. Cure Spinal Meningitis, AIDS, and Cancer. Do the kid on Roseanne with the bitchin' hair. Plunk that thing behind the door that goes "wabbawabbadoingg..." for hours on end. Play Dungeons + Dragons at Alex's + Max's 'til 5:00.

SEPTEMBER

Lure an unsuspecting billy goat into my house and wrap its left hind leg in tissue paper. Do Gallagher. Go walkin' in Memphis. Shit a lot. Nurse three Labrador puppies from infancy. Gnaw ferociously and with a vengeance on the hunk of Limburger cheese which killed my mother. Cause welts to appear on the kids who picked on me in middle school. Make sure my children look sharp while at school.

OCTOBER

Work jello into my scalp. Send some rotten fruit to Stretch Armstrong. Make friends with Tony and Tia from Escape to Witch Mountain. Become ambidextrous. Have sex with Yeardly Smith. Develop an acute case of nymphomania. Lie about my age to woodland creatures. Gamble away my life's savings + win twice that amount with my last quattah.

NOVEMBER

Find out where we go when we die. Break me off a piece of that Kit Kat Bar. Excersize my powers as Ivy, daughter of Queen Irene and King Dor. Turn off the lights to save electricity. Become one of the Tomorrow People. Have lots of sex with Molly.

DECEMBER

Increase my belt size. Blow Oatie's goats for him. Dolph should be my next good lay. Collect mushrooms. Build a condo of rocks + cement using magic powers. Throw Daric TaMing out the window. Make angst-filled emu noises at nerdy-looking racecar drivers. Pants Santa Claus. Give Pat some hair gel. Find a Few Good Men for Jason. Liven up a party using only your butt. Discover the perks of being Animaniacal.