Watch my videos about asexuality on YouTube, starting with the introduction!
I'm not interested in sex--call it nonsexuality, asexuality, antisexuality, whatever, it amounts to this: I have no sex drive. And I have this page not because my lack of sexual interest is some obsession of mine; it mostly exists for three reasons:
The reason I have a site about it even though it's really "not a big deal" to me: Why do I talk about it if it's no big deal and really isn't anyone's business? Because a whole lot of people try to make it their business.
I find myself in a position not unlike gay or bisexual people: I don't want to become my sexuality (or lack thereof), but I want to make information available about my disinterest in sex being not a sickness or a psychosis but rather a legitimate sexual orientation. I don't want to be on a soap box, but I am eager to contribute to the public's acknowledgment and acceptance of asexual people, and I am not ashamed of being one of said minority. And maybe one day, with my help and the help of others like me, identifying as an asexual might be considered an unusual but acceptable alternative instead of a condition that causes asexual people's friends, loved ones, and mental health professionals to assume they're confused, immature, traumatized, or lying about their own feelings.
I don't mind discussing sex and matters related. I understand that people are curious about my lack of sex drive since it's such an unusual state for a person of my age. It's when they try to assign some all-encompassing "reason" for it, like they know better than I do even though they've just met me, or when they treat it like I have a disease that needs curing, that I start to get annoyed. Sorry, but I know me better than you do, and I think I'm probably the only person qualified to describe my feelings. And that's why I have this page; I figure it falls to me, a person who is used to deconstructing difficult-to-relate concepts, to lay this out straight for the asexuals of the world and the people who want to understand us.
I really am happy the way I am, and maybe you'd have to know me for a while to see that that's true. I'm not looking for a "cure," and I'm not interested in trying to like sex just so I can be like everyone else (and make everyone else more comfortable since they can put me in a box they understand). I know I'm not normal in this respect, and I don't care. I'd rather be honest with myself--and with you. I am also not the only person who feels this way, though admittedly we are somewhat rare. Please scroll to the bottom of this page, after the Top Ten, to view related links.
I now present to you, without further ado, in order of least popular to most popular, the Top Ten List of Reasons Suggested For My Asexuality. Please read on, and do excuse my tendency toward wordiness. I'm trying to cover all the bases.
#10: "You hate men." |
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Well, let me just say, first of all, that this is not true. I don't hate men; in fact, most of my friends are men. I actually have very few female friends, at least compared to the amount of guys I hang out with. I have nothing against men; I just have something against stupid people who think sex is the meaning of life and are determined to make me feel the same. It just so happens that as a whole, men look for sex more often than women, and it also happens that I am rarely approached by females for sex seeing as how heterosexuality is quite a bit more popular. So maybe some people think that my public growling at certain men indicates that I'm a man-hater. No. I'm a sex-scrounger hater. And I venture to say that even if I was heterosexual I still wouldn't like men who behaved this way. I can't think of any single person I actually hate; no WAY do I hate half the population.
#9: "You can't get a man." |
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Well, not only is this blatantly untrue since I'm never short for volunteers, but furthermore, I'm a nice, kind, interesting girl (not to mention reasonably attractive, for the record), and I like to think that if I wanted a boyfriend, I could easily get one. However, I don't believe in "looking" for a boyfriend, since that requires expectation of a certain type of relationship before you even know the person you're gonna meet. I prefer to not "look" for any certain type of relationship and just let whatever is natural develop . . . and while a host of unexpected results have occurred with people I've met, that particular interest/attraction/relationship has never developed on my end. I believe that when people make this suggestion for why I don't get laid, sometimes they're just trying to encourage my reactance . . . in other words, to reply, "I can too get a man! Watch me!" and proceed to invite them over. To sum up, I could *very easily* "get" a man if I wanted one; it is just that I don't believe men are things to be gotten.
#8: "You have a hormone problem." |
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Very possible, though it might not be the only reason I'm not interested in sex. I admit I probably *do* physically produce fewer "go get sex" hormones (though I don't consider it a "problem"), since I've gathered it's a little odd to pass your teens and twenties without having at least some sort of remote sexual interest. I don't pretend to know the actual reason for my lack of interest in sex, but having low hormones probably contributes to it. The other contributing factor is probably the way I view people. I think of them as minds first and bodies later, which is probably why I have no trouble talking to someone on the Internet without seeing a "pic." Some guys won't talk to me without a pic because they say they have to "see who they're talking to." I think the "who" has very little to do with the physical appearance.
Anyway, I choose to like someone based on how they interact with me and what we have in common, et cetera; I couldn't care less about what they look like. This does not mean I can't tell if someone is aesthetically pleasing; my eyes like some people more than others. But I honestly can't answer the question of whether someone is "hot" or not. Related to this is the question of whether I'm a "late bloomer." Maybe. I'm not decided against "blooming," it just so happens that it hasn't happened yet. Well, the "getting hot and bothered" part, anyway. So, yes, maybe I do have a "hormone problem," but . . . SO??? Many guys like to treat this as a disease worthy of immediate hospitalization. "Oh God, you don't want sex? . . . get this girl an ambulance." Funny, another common response to "No, I don't get horny" is "are you human??" I guess I'm not.
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I do lead a busy life. But it involves all the things I want it to involve: My passion (writing), my hobbies (online communication, art, tennis, my Web page), my work (full time as a secretary), my social life (I'm usually busy at least three days out of the week with social events), and yes, even life necessities (eating, cleaning the house, et cetera), as well as any random obsession I happen to pick up. I have a feeling that if something meant something to me, I would find time for it . . . I certainly do so with everything else in my life.
If someone crossed the barrier that hasn't been crossed and somehow I responded to them that way and gave them the status of significant other, I would surely be able to find it in my schedule to give that person the time they deserved. It is not as if the fact that I keep busy actually keeps me from meeting or spending time with possible future mates; it also is not true that I have already decided I don't have room for a relationship in my cramped life. Like I said, if I decided I wanted something, I could and would make it work. At no point have I proclaimed that I will never want to date anyone (or get married, have kids, et cetera); I simply am not currently pursuing these things, nor do I plan to start. My lack of interest is by NO stretch of the imagination a declaration of unbreakable future chastity. If a signal from my body indicates that I should go grab someone, I will likely listen; same goes for mental cues for the same. I'm not too busy for the important things in life; it's just that I don't currently consider getting a man one of the important things in life. And THAT is no disease.
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Well, this is an obvious bit of stupidity. I do get this one fairly often; these guys honestly think that I don't know what love is because I have yet to be romanced by them. For some reason, even though *they're* the ones still searching for love (or sex, whatever, sometimes they think it's the same thing) and *I'm* the one who's perfectly happy . . . they still think they have something to teach me. Bullshit. I don't want anyone around who claims they can come into my life and sweep me off my feet, changing my whole outlook on life. I like my life, and while I'm not pigheaded or resistant to change, I don't think it needs any adjustments from someone I barely know, especially not in the form of a penis with a little bit of brain attached. I certainly don't want to keep company with any man arrogant enough to think he is the modern definition of love.
As an aside, an inordinate number of guys see my asexuality as some sort of challenge. Most of these sorts stay away from girls with boyfriends, thinking they're wasting their time and they might get their ass kicked by the boyfriend, but lesbians and people like me who claim to be uninterested are prime targets. They think their manliness is enough to attract even the most resistant woman. And yes, in this case I'd resist. Not that I've had to struggle to do so with any one of them. :P They don't seem to get that being ultra-manly is not impressive to someone who doesn't find manliness attractive. A few of these sorts, the kind that think I'm a challenge, also have this unwarranted idea that I am playing head games to keep them interested. I've never understood the concept of hard-to-get. I mean, sure, some girls don't want to be seen as easy, but I just can't understand why guys automatically think I'm playing games when I really DON'T want to be "gotten." If "yes" means "yes" and "no" means "playing hard to get," does that mean I have to kick you in the balls to really mean "no"?
#5: "You are afraid of getting into a relationship." |
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Most of the ones who say this sort of thing think I'm afraid of love. They think I don't like to get close to people, that I have some issues with personal relationships. That isn't the case at all. I currently have and have had in the past plenty of extremely close friendships.
Many people argue that these don't "count" because they were only friendships. ONLY? Who are you to dismiss my relationships just because there's no good English word for "very-close-friends-but-not-sexually-involved"? Someone left me a message saying "But, dear, there is [such a word] - platonic. Come on, you, as well, are a writer." In response to that, I say that still doesn't work--don't people automatically demote "platonic" relationships to being less serious or worth less than "real" romantic relationships? "Oh, there's nothing between us, it's JUST platonic." Well, that's not "nothing." I tell ya what, my relationships with these folks involve everything you can have in a relationship except the sexual attraction. I don't know if you can argue that a relationship is for all intents and purposes meaningless without sex . . . maybe some people would say it is . . . but I think it's hogwash. I see no reason why I can't have a completely fulfilling relationship with another person without bringing sex into it.
I've had people assert that my friendships are just puppy love; that I don't know what real love is. Do you think that once you stick your penis in a vagina it's love? Where do you get off defining what can and can't happen with MY feelings? I view sex as a physical expression of love, not as an end in itself or a consummation of a relationship. In my opinion, relationships don't need to be "consummated." They just *are*. And they're very satisfying for me . . . and a hell of a lot less messy (in more ways than one). People have argued that I can't talk because I haven't had sex. I think it's very unfair of people to discount my ability to judge my own feelings of relationship deepness just because I never did the deed. I can see their point when they say I don't know what sex can bring into a relationship, and that I accept. But I've also heard that sex can make a relationship "get weird," and that I wouldn't want.
In any case, I'm proof that non-sexual relationships can exist happily and satisfyingly, and I'm also proof that one does not need sex to be happy. Too many people treat getting a mate like it's the completion of life. I think your life damn well better be complete (well, satisfying) in itself before you get it tangled up in another person's. Otherwise you're bound to have all kinds of problems. In closing, I'd like to say that my view on relationships carries an extra grain of truth when you see how many couples think they know what love is and how few of them stay together. Thank you very much.
#4: "You were sexually abused as a child." |
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Really? I don't remember it. Were you there? *ahem* People use this one quite often to explain why I am not interested in sex. They seriously think that disinterest in sex is so horrifying that I must have been sexually brutalized to not be into it. In this category also falls the question of whether I've been raped. No, and I'm a virgin, as mentioned above. When I was in kindergarten, there was a little boy on the next mat who used to crawl over to me during naptime and try to stick his hands in my pants. That's about the extent of my "sexual abuse," and I remember it very well as being annoying but not scarring or even enough to freak me out. I told my mommy. She told the teacher. Antonio spent his future naptimes where the teacher could see him. It certainly does not strike me as something that changed my views on sex, since the memory of it doesn't scare me or bring up bad feelings, or even count as something sex-related. It probably would have annoyed me about the same if he'd been stealing my blanky or pulling my hair. So anyway, no, I was never sexually assaulted, abused, or even sexually harassed. It's not a negative feeling against sex, it's just a disinterest.
In a way it can become a negative feeling when people try to force it on me or when I have done remotely sexual things (i.e., kissing, nibbling, groping et cetera) that I did not enjoy. I guess when it doesn't feel good, it's really kind of a gross thing; for instance, if you think about kissing, it's only good if you really like that person. Otherwise it's nasty to think about licking the inside of their mouth and swallowing their spit. Same thing with groping and all that stuff . . . if you're not really into a guy, there is nothing fun about him touching your privates. That's just all there is to it. But generally, I do not think of sex and freeze in horror. I'm just not turned on by the idea of it, either. And that's all I have to say about that.
#3: "You are a lesbian." |
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Yes, this one comes up quite often. Usually by people who just can't comprehend not having some sort of sexual attraction. "Oh, you don't like men? I see, you must like women." One or the other. This or that. I've got news for the folks that ask me this one: It just ain't so. The fact that I'm not turned on by men does NOT make me a closet lesbian. I have also had no sexual attraction toward any female. In this day and age, it is moderately accepted to have an alternative lifestyle™, and I like to think that if I did have some inclination towards lesbianism, I'd act on it. But just like my heterosexual feelings, they don't exist. Oh, and by the way . . . if I ever *do* become a lesbian, NO, you can't watch.
Most people can at least sort of understand when I put it like this: If you are a man and you have always been attracted to women, how do you "know" that you aren't gay? Probably because you never looked at a guy and thought, "Hey, I really want a piece of that." You've never seen them in a sexual context. You've never been turned on by the idea of sex with them or even thought about it except maybe in a joking sense followed by guffawing with your friends. But how do you KNOW? You never tried it, so how the hell are you so sure you're heterosexual?
Because you just *know*, right? If you were gay, you would have . . . wanted it at some point, right? But you haven't. And you sure as hell know it in your very core. And while the idea of it in a remote sense doesn't disgust you (well, maybe it does, I don't know), the idea of someone proposing it to you or attempting to engage in it with you would probably make you feel at best alienated and at worst sickened.
This is how all propositions of sex sound to ME.
Weird. Not interesting. No thank you.
If you can imagine that response, thought process, and feeling happening with me in proposed sex with a woman OR a man, you might be able to understand at least a little bit why I am so sure about myself. Because I have that exact same feeling, that same certainty. I can't say it won't change. But I doubt it.
Since it's somewhat related, I'd like to talk about sexual feelings in general. Usually people suggest I'm a lesbian because they can't imagine that I *don't* get horny, so they make up an alternative sexuality for me and assume I'm repressed. But I know there are people who are *acting* nonsexuals--people with no desire to sleep with others--who nevertheless have erotic fantasies and whatnot, and tend to--shall we say--take care of it themselves, perfectly content. I think I'd call these people autosexuals, since it *is* a sexual behavior but it doesn't involve others. I've heard "do you masturbate?" and "do you have orgasms?" almost as often as "are you a lesbian?" and usually it's framed in disbelief and shock by one of the IM Idiots or something, but I've also gotten it from plain old curious parties and it's a legitimate question. But I just generally don't get "horny" (though I can recognize the aesthetics of a particularly handsome guy or beautiful girl), and am not interested in any kind of sex, even the safest form of all.
#2: "You just haven't met the right guy." |
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And maybe I haven't. Like I said, I'm not claiming that I will, no matter what, be asexual forever. It's not something you "decide"; it's something that describes your attitude and behavior, and for me there's no other option. If someone floats my boat, hey, I'll take it. (Not that I'm hoping for it, mind you.) What I don't like about this suggestion (or accusation) is the idea that there *must* be *someone* that'll do it for me. I don't like people giving me that "oh, one day you'll understand" thing. I don't consider my current sexual orientation (or lack thereof) to be a less-than-mature state. I also don't like people assuming that there definitely is a right guy for me. Maybe there isn't. Maybe there isn't a right girl for me either. Maybe I just *am* asexual. It is possible you know. It only makes sense that since there are some people who are MORE obsessed with sex than most people, there would be some people at the other end of the bell curve. That's me.
There is actually a disorder called "hypoactive sexual desire disorder," where people just don't want to have sex. Essentially, I may have something like that, but there's one important reason that I don't: In order to be considered a disorder, it has to be upsetting to the person involved. Therefore, if it doesn't bug me that I don't have a sex drive, there's nothing wrong with not having a sex drive. And believe me, it doesn't bother me that I'm asexual; it's the fact that these punks have a problem with it that bothers me.
#1: "Aww, did you just get out of a bad relationship?" |
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Here's the most common reaction to my marital status of "single, not looking." Again, it's the idea that being disinterested in sex is so bizarre that I must be psychically scarred from a bad experience. Just ain't so, folks. My last relationship ended before I was out of high school, and while its ending was by no means pleasant, the asexuality thing had been going on back then anyway, so it couldn't have been caused by the breakup. (Actually, the whole asexual thing was part of the reason for the ending of the relationship, but that is another story.)
Other related statements I've heard in passing |
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 See the "Letters to an Asexual" video on YouTube! |
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COMMENTS:
Any comments left here are PUBLIC. If you are not comfortable with that, mail me directly.
Comments from others (first 10):
I just want to compliment you on being true to yourself. I have a strong sex drive, but I have often gone years without being sexual with other humans for different reasons...and it was fine. I consider myself to be androgynous (both male and female), but I'm not bisexual. I'm just not 'gender-polarized'. Most of my friends are women, but I have a lot of women friends with whom I'm not sexual and don't want to be. Which is all just to say, good for you for not feelilng a need to toe the party line! And if you're curious about the hormone thing, find yourself a good naturopath (the regular doctors don't have a clue about functional health).
Best to You.
PS Yellow on black is pretty hard on the eyes.
[Note from swankivy: This was a comment in response to an earlier version of the page. It's now black on white, partly because people had told me it was hard to read. Thanks, Al!]
Josh Timmermann: Hey, I came across your page via the Salon article on asexuality.
Wow.
I honestly had no idea that such an orientation even existed! I guess I just assumed that once puberty kicked in, sex was something that was just kind of on everybody's minds.
Of course I've met the kind of people who like to PRETEND they're *above* sex (which I'm by no means accusing you of, so please don't get me wrong). It's unusually either the sort of faux-sensitive guys who listen to Morrissey, or girls who complain about sex and sports being the only the thing on mens' minds.
I'm a little floored, at the moment, that there are people out there who simply have no interest in or inclination toward sex in any form or fashion whatsoever...
At any rate, I like your page a lot. It's exactly the sort of questions I would imagine an asexual person having to deal with on a daily basis. It must get so tiresome and condescending, non?
Oh, and by the by, if you're ever curious...
Kidding. Kidding! I swear!
Best,
Josh +
Tapati: I appreciate your point of view. As a bisexual I hear my share of stupid comments and judgments, assumptions that I must be "twice as lusty" since I am attracted to "both" women and men. No, I just have the possibility to fall in love with either.
I have had a varying sex drive over the years, from strong to practically non-existent. I was out of balance hormonally--too much estrogen, too little male hormones. I was not dating or even thinking about dating. My cycles were off too, so I was given progesterone tablets.
It was like someone flipped a light switch. Suddenly I was thinking about sex again, looking at people with sex in mind, and feeling sexual feelings. I also am pagan and I remember thinking, "Wow, it really is all just chemicals!"
Usually I feel like I am the one who is in control of and chooses my interests and activities, but I had to face how much influence these chemicals were having over my feelings, thoughts, and potential actions. I was taken aback but also amused and a bit humbled.
Yet when I am sexual the expression of love outweighs everything else involved. So it's not all about the hormones, but the hormones play their role in getting you into the relationship.
If it is meant to happen for you, it will, and meanwhile I think you have the right attitude. Living life on your own terms always beats living for social approval.
Steve: Your analysis makes sense to me. Be well.
Annie Moore: Í so enjoyed reading your insightful rant!
At 51, I have a fair amount of sexual experience, but not for the last seven years. I lost interest comoletely. Though i have had my share of life trauma, I think that the main reason for my lack of interest in sex is menopause- which would not make me at all unusual.
Luckily, my husband is much older than I am, so there is no problem there. We have been together 25 years, he knew me when I was a hot ticket. We have our memories. Which, to tell you the truth, kind of make me glad I am no longer interested-what the hell was wrong with me, that I did all those jack-ass things? Yuck!
Yes, it is nasty to contemplate sexual behavior when you have no drive. It is both silly and disgusting. I do not see any problem with asexuality as long as one has close friends. I enjoyed your piece trememdously, I found your link through the Salon article. Annie
MoxieGrrrl: Good for you! It's amazing how much emphasis human put on defining sexuality, or non-sexuality. If you're even a LITTLE outside the norm (i.e. married, with three kids a house and a dog), you're interrogated to find out what's "wrong" with you.
Yes, I enjoy sex and I'm sorry you've never experienced the pleasure of it, but if it doesn't bother you, then it shouldn't bother anyone else.
Quite frankly, I know a few people that would be very envious of you, as their sex drives are still overloading and it pesters them when they are trying to do something completely unrelated to intimacy.
Have a good one!
Susie Bright: HI, I heard about your essay in Salon today and linked over to read it.
I appreciate your take on all the pestering questions one gets asked when you have a sexual 'persona" that others dont' understand. And a lot of your answers could be cheerfully used by women who aren't nonsexual per se, but simply aren't available to every guy who fancies himself their dream date. In other words, many of the protests you face are simply sexist ideas of how a woman is supposed to be flattered and driven by male attention.
However! Of course I have a question that isn't on the list. I dont' think "being sexual" is necessarily about being attracted to relationships with others. One can feel aroused and sexy, one can sense an erotic imagination, without touching anyone else's body. Do you masturbate? Do you have sexual fantasies, dreams, daydreams? Do you feel aroused when you are doing something you are very passionate about ?
I'm not asking these questions to be prurient, I'm quite earnest. I think that one's own sexual "mojo" is independent from liasons with anyone else, and that this sexual creativity and sustenance that is to oneself is really the basis for sexuality, rather than "who you go to bed with."
I would love to hear from you about this!
sarah: I found your site via Salon, and think it's well written and interesting. Thanks for sharing your life so openly and honestly.
fellowpeon: this is more of a question: is there a porn equivalent for asexual people? or something that "turns you on" or "titillates", even if what you find titillating is not expressly related to sex? when was the last time, against all better judgement and normal sensibility, you desired really badly to do, to have or to be something?
Eric Udell: Good for you! Glad it's working out.
I'm a straight, married guy for whom sex seems to be working out OK for ( at least now, I've had some issues in the past, mostly related to my being a little different or not good looking) but I totally understand your frustration of an online chat experience that begins with "A/S/L?".
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