Asexuality Top Ten
- "You just don't know what you're missing." No, I don't really, but I very much doubt that one taste of sex would turn me into a raging nymphomaniac . . . nor do I intend to find out if I like sex until/unless I find a person I want to share it with. And the way things are looking, that very likely may be never. I've heard some people compare disinterest in learning to like sex with deaf people who are "happy the way they are" and refuse to get cochlear implants on that logic. Well, the cochlear implants are expensive, and the process involves painful and expensive surgery and/or is at least somewhat risky to put in. And after being deaf all their lives, their brains wouldn't process sound the same as the rest of us--it's likely it would never quite be the same, and they wouldn't find the same beauty in a lovely song. Maybe they would. I don't know. But the point is, if they've made that decision then they are obviously happy with their situation and must not be worried about the inconveniences being deaf causes, and they must feel supported in their families and friendships. Not to mention that as a hearing individual, YOU don't know what being deaf means. For me, trying to medically "fix" me or condition me to enjoy or tolerate sex through therapy would also be expensive and possibly risky, and maybe make me dependent on hormones forever, just so I can be forced into making my relationships look enough like other people's to make everyone around me happy. (And that's even assuming it would work anyway.) To me, I'm happy and secure enough in my world that spending money, time, and effort to try to get a chance to enjoy something I'm happy (VERY happy!) without does NOT sound like a good course of action. Not to mention that there's something to be said for staying the way you're made unless it threatens your health or something.
- "Ohh, give it up, you're just trying to be weird." Yeah, sure, I'm just trying to be a freak . . . ::rolls eyes:: I don't have to try to be weird. I already have been since very early childhood. I don't do things because other people want me to or in spite of their wishes either . . . I do what I feel is right.
- "The purpose of life is procreation!" Last time I checked the purpose of life was to live it . . . maybe we need to have sex in order to make more of us but somehow I doubt that having children is life's only purpose. Strangely enough, people who make this argument often can still be accepting of cisgender gay relationships, which also yield no children between those partners, and can accept marriages between people who are infertile or for one reason or another cannot or will not have children. Yes, an asexual person is "biologically defective" if the way you define success is having the inclination to reproduce. But considering a) some asexual people do decide to procreate anyway, and b) as a population approaches critical mass like ours is doing, it's probably a good thing that some of us don't want to breed . . . I see no reason to come down hard on people who aren't compelled to do it. Not to mention that as humans we have plenty of other ways of "passing down" our influence besides biologically. So there are other ways to be successful and have a legacy even if you don't spawn. People who say this also seem to have no trouble with birth control. If you're going to argue that someone's "unnatural" for not wanting sex on the basis of "but NO YOU MUST PROCREATE," I'm afraid you've lost your platform as soon as you take a pill or use a condom.
- "Your parents/teachers/community leaders taught you that sex was a foul and evil thing, and now you can't shake their programming." Nope. My mother especially was very understanding about teenagers' curiosity regarding sex, and gave my sisters and me plenty of information about it without trying to teach us that it was shameful. When I was a kid I fully expected that I would grow up and get married and have children, and I thought of sex as a natural thing that I would want to do when I was older. It just never happened. If anything my mom encouraged me to experiment (she gave me condoms on prom night!), and made it very clear that this was the kind of behavior she expected from a teenager. Not to mention that both my sisters, who were raised with the same parents/teachers/community leaders, are heterosexual and exhibited typical attraction patterns throughout their teen years and into adulthood.
- "The guys you've tried it with didn't know what they were doing." Maybe not, but even if I'd never done anything with a single person, it would still be considered rather abnormal to pass legal drinking age without having any interest in sex, whether one has had experience or not. Plenty of you folks with terrible first experiences appear to have come through undeterred; in fact, my mom told me that teenagers the world over are blissfully having some of the world's worst sex and seem to have emerged no worse for the wear. MOST people don't know what they're doing in bed, especially early in the game. Their sexual attraction meters are still intact. It's not the same as trying a new food and thinking it's yucky and never trying it again.
- "You must be religious." Hahahaha. This could not be farther from the truth. First of all I'm not religious in any "Christian" sense, so no, my religion does not forbid me to sleep with people outside of marriage. Secondly, my path is under the Pagan umbrella, and in most Pagan circles, the physical expression of love is not considered some sort of sin. I don't care one way or another if someone wants to have sex. I'm just not into sex myself.
- "Why do you think sex is so bad?" Answer: I don't, asshole! Actually my views on sex are pretty liberal. I am not cool with folks who screw anything that moves without responsibly attending to protection, or do it while misleading their partners (such as saying they'll start a relationship and then leaving in the morning). But I don't think marriage is necessary, and I don't think that sex is dirty or unclean or unholy. It's a physical celebration of what I think *should* be a relationship started between like minds. Nothing wrong with it at all, if it's your bag, baby. Asexual people are not looking down on you; they don't think they're better than you. They just aren't attracted to people.
- "Want me to come over and show you what it's like, no strings attached, so you can decide if you like it or not?" I'm so sure it's for my benefit, jerk. See, I'm really not interested in trying it to see if I like it. I have a feeling I'd have at least *some* interest in it *before* the act, as everyone else seems to. I haven't liked any of the other things you folks seem to think are so cool, including kissing and other "foreplay" type things, so I have doubts as to whether the "real thing" would suddenly excite me. Typically, women tend to like foreplay *more* than "the act," and since I rarely even like cuddling and have never had any rush of passion from being kissed, I very much doubt it would be as good for me as it was for you.
- "I admire that you're saving yourself." I'm not "saving myself." I just don't want it. I'm not trying to keep myself pure so that when I actually do get married it'll be special. I am fully prepared and fully in favor of an entire life completely without sexual activity. Please don't assume that my lack of interest translates to "waiting for the right person."
- "Why are you all over the Internet talking about this if it's no big deal to you?" Sex is indeed a non-issue for me. But living in a sexual world causes me to be confronted repeatedly with attitudes from confused to abusive. I am "all over the Internet talking about this" because I want to spread awareness that asexuality is not a sickness. Imagine going through life with people assuming "single" means "looking" every time you turn around. Imagine living day to day having people talk behind your back wondering why "a girl like you" isn't married by now and postulating that there must be something really creepy or strange about you. Imagine being truthful about your orientation and being expected to defend how you feel nine times out of ten. I don't have a problem with it. I have a problem with people having a problem with it. And the more I say and do to make people aware of why asexuality is a legitimate sexual orientation, the less of this education business I (and others like me) might have to do in the future.
- "I feel sorry for you, living such an empty life. You must be a cold, unfeeling bitch." Sorry. Not true. Because this essay is a little snippy, maybe you have the wrong impression of me, but it wouldn't have to be this way if I hadn't been confronted countless times by people who think they know what's good for me better than I do. I do NOT have an empty life at all, and you'd probably be surprised upon talking to me how many things I have going on and how passionate I am about all of it! I'm an artist, a writer, and a singer, and I do all of those things with so much energy and drive that some people are actually shocked by it. To people who think my lack of sexual interest equals cold, dry bitch, all I can say is how dare you think that? You don't know me. And that's it.
- "But 'asexual' means you reproduce asexually like amoebas!" Seriously, no it doesn't. There is asexual reproduction. There is the asexual sexual orientation. It's not at all "the wrong terminology" to apply "asexual" to an orientation. Plenty of situations within biological science (and other sciences) use terminology that does not apply the same in non-scientific contexts. Red wine is different from red meat is different from red tide is different from red hair. No wine enthusiast would dream of telling redheads that they're using the word wrong because it's reserved for conversations about alcoholic beverages. And no steak fanatic would try to tell marine biologists that discussing red tides is misleading because everyone will think the ocean is about beef.
- "So you're into animals?" NO, dammit! NOTHING TURNS ME ON, that includes sheep, is it that difficult to grasp?
- "You don't get horny? Are you some kind of freak?" Yes I am, thank you for your input. Now go away.
Watch me discuss this topic on YouTube