Asexuality Top Ten

#9: "You can't get a man."

Well, not only is this blatantly untrue since I frequently have to turn down volunteers both well-meaning and offensive, but furthermore, I'm a nice, kind, interesting person (who is considered basically normatively attractive by most people), and if I suddenly wanted a male companion, I very much doubt I'd have trouble finding one.

However, I don't believe in "looking" for a boyfriend, since that requires expectation of a certain type of relationship before you even know the person you're gonna meet. I prefer to not "look" for any certain type of relationship and just let whatever is natural develop . . . and while a host of unexpected results have occurred with people I've met, that particular interest/attraction/relationship has never developed on my end. I believe that when people make this suggestion for why I don't get laid, sometimes they're just trying to encourage my reactance . . . in other words, to reply, "I can too get a man! Watch me!" and proceed to invite them over. To sum up, I could *very easily* "get" a man if I wanted one; it is just that I don't believe men are things to be gotten.

However, it's REALLY IMPORTANT to note that even if I were way over at the "ugly" end of the attractiveness bell curve, this would have NOTHING TO DO with invalidating my sexuality. Asexuality is a spectrum and we're very diverse. Because of that, there will always be some people on this spectrum who land at every point on the attractiveness scale, and it would be wrong to assign those at the unattractive end a "not actually asexual" ticket because someone else deems them unworthy of partnering with.

Asexuality is someone's personal feelings of attractiveness toward others, and if you're honestly willing to write off what people say about their own feelings because you think it's really about lack of available partners, you are the problem here. You're not the gatekeeper on who's attractive enough to have sex anyway, so ridiculous comments like this should really be withheld if you don't want to get written off as unworthy of having this discussion.

Watch me discuss this topic on YouTube