Al: Hey there.
I just want to compliment you on being true to yourself. I have a strong sex drive, but I have often gone years without being sexual with other humans for different reasons...and it was fine. I consider myself to be androgynous (both male and female), but I'm not bisexual. I'm just not 'gender-polarized'. Most of my friends are women, but I have a lot of women friends with whom I'm not sexual and don't want to be. Which is all just to say, good for you for not feelilng a need to toe the party line! And if you're curious about the hormone thing, find yourself a good naturopath (the regular doctors don't have a clue about functional health).
Best to You.
PS Yellow on black is pretty hard on the eyes.
[Note from swankivy: This was a comment in response to an earlier version of the page. It's now black on white, partly because people had told me it was hard to read. Thanks, Al!]
Josh Timmermann: Hey, I came across your page via the Salon article on asexuality.
I honestly had no idea that such an orientation even existed! I guess I just assumed that once puberty kicked in, sex was something that was just kind of on everybody's minds.
Of course I've met the kind of people who like to PRETEND they're *above* sex (which I'm by no means accusing you of, so please don't get me wrong). It's unusually either the sort of faux-sensitive guys who listen to Morrissey, or girls who complain about sex and sports being the only the thing on mens' minds.
I'm a little floored, at the moment, that there are people out there who simply have no interest in or inclination toward sex in any form or fashion whatsoever...
At any rate, I like your page a lot. It's exactly the sort of questions I would imagine an asexual person having to deal with on a daily basis. It must get so tiresome and condescending, non?
Oh, and by the by, if you're ever curious...
Kidding. Kidding! I swear!
Tapati: I appreciate your point of view. As a bisexual I hear my share of stupid comments and judgments, assumptions that I must be "twice as lusty" since I am attracted to "both" women and men. No, I just have the possibility to fall in love with either.
I have had a varying sex drive over the years, from strong to practically non-existent. I was out of balance hormonally--too much estrogen, too little male hormones. I was not dating or even thinking about dating. My cycles were off too, so I was given progesterone tablets.
It was like someone flipped a light switch. Suddenly I was thinking about sex again, looking at people with sex in mind, and feeling sexual feelings. I also am pagan and I remember thinking, "Wow, it really is all just chemicals!"
Usually I feel like I am the one who is in control of and chooses my interests and activities, but I had to face how much influence these chemicals were having over my feelings, thoughts, and potential actions. I was taken aback but also amused and a bit humbled.
Yet when I am sexual the expression of love outweighs everything else involved. So it's not all about the hormones, but the hormones play their role in getting you into the relationship.
If it is meant to happen for you, it will, and meanwhile I think you have the right attitude. Living life on your own terms always beats living for social approval.
Steve: Your analysis makes sense to me. Be well.
Annie Moore: Í so enjoyed reading your insightful rant!
At 51, I have a fair amount of sexual experience, but not for the last seven years. I lost interest comoletely. Though i have had my share of life trauma, I think that the main reason for my lack of interest in sex is menopause- which would not make me at all unusual.
Luckily, my husband is much older than I am, so there is no problem there. We have been together 25 years, he knew me when I was a hot ticket. We have our memories. Which, to tell you the truth, kind of make me glad I am no longer interested-what the hell was wrong with me, that I did all those jack-ass things? Yuck!
Yes, it is nasty to contemplate sexual behavior when you have no drive. It is both silly and disgusting. I do not see any problem with asexuality as long as one has close friends. I enjoyed your piece trememdously, I found your link through the Salon article. Annie
MoxieGrrrl: Good for you! It's amazing how much emphasis human put on defining sexuality, or non-sexuality. If you're even a LITTLE outside the norm (i.e. married, with three kids a house and a dog), you're interrogated to find out what's "wrong" with you.
Yes, I enjoy sex and I'm sorry you've never experienced the pleasure of it, but if it doesn't bother you, then it shouldn't bother anyone else.
Quite frankly, I know a few people that would be very envious of you, as their sex drives are still overloading and it pesters them when they are trying to do something completely unrelated to intimacy.
Have a good one!
Susie Bright: HI, I heard about your essay in Salon today and linked over to read it.
I appreciate your take on all the pestering questions one gets asked when you have a sexual 'persona" that others dont' understand. And a lot of your answers could be cheerfully used by women who aren't nonsexual per se, but simply aren't available to every guy who fancies himself their dream date. In other words, many of the protests you face are simply sexist ideas of how a woman is supposed to be flattered and driven by male attention.
However! Of course I have a question that isn't on the list. I dont' think "being sexual" is necessarily about being attracted to relationships with others. One can feel aroused and sexy, one can sense an erotic imagination, without touching anyone else's body. Do you masturbate? Do you have sexual fantasies, dreams, daydreams? Do you feel aroused when you are doing something you are very passionate about ?
I'm not asking these questions to be prurient, I'm quite earnest. I think that one's own sexual "mojo" is independent from liasons with anyone else, and that this sexual creativity and sustenance that is to oneself is really the basis for sexuality, rather than "who you go to bed with."
I would love to hear from you about this!
sarah: I found your site via Salon, and think it's well written and interesting. Thanks for sharing your life so openly and honestly.
fellowpeon: this is more of a question: is there a porn equivalent for asexual people? or something that "turns you on" or "titillates", even if what you find titillating is not expressly related to sex? when was the last time, against all better judgement and normal sensibility, you desired really badly to do, to have or to be something?
Eric Udell: Good for you! Glad it's working out.
I'm a straight, married guy for whom sex seems to be working out OK for ( at least now, I've had some issues in the past, mostly related to my being a little different or not good looking) but I totally understand your frustration of an online chat experience that begins with "A/S/L?".
ASEXUALITY TOP TEN ESSAY