Asexuality Top Ten

#4: "You were sexually abused as a child."

Really? I don't remember it. Were you there? *ahem* People use this one quite often to explain why I am not interested in sex. They seriously think that disinterest in sex is so horrifying that I must have been sexually brutalized to not be into it. In this category also falls the question of whether I've been raped. No. I'm a virgin.

The closest to sexual abuse I ever experienced was this: When I was in kindergarten, there was a little boy on the next mat who used to crawl over to me during naptime and try to stick his hands in my pants. I remember it very well as being annoying but not scarring or even enough to freak me out. I told my mommy. She told the teacher. Antonio spent his future naptimes where the teacher could see him. It certainly does not strike me as something that changed my views on sex, since the memory of it doesn't scare me or bring up bad feelings, or even count as something sex-related. It probably would have annoyed me about the same if he'd been stealing my blanky or pulling my hair.

I also once dealt with a jerk who tried to force himself on me to give me a kiss after I already told him I didn't want to, but that was something he did IN RESPONSE to being told I was asexual, so obviously it didn't cause it. (When I responded to his "advance" by leaving, he yelled after me, "I just want to help you!") I don't have a negative feeling against sex in general. It's primarily a disinterest. In a way it can become a negative feeling when people try to push it on me or when I have done remotely sexual things (such as kissing, nibbling, groping, et cetera) that I did not enjoy. I guess when it doesn't feel good, it's really kind of a gross thing; if you think about kissing, it's only good if you really like that person. Otherwise it's nasty to think about licking the inside of someone's mouth and swallowing someone's spit. Same thing with groping and all that stuff . . . if you're not really into someone, there is nothing fun about getting your privates touched. That's just all there is to it. But generally, I do not think of sex and freeze in horror. I'm just not turned on by the idea of it, either.

As with any diverse community, some minority of asexual-identifying people have been abused, sexually or otherwise. This does NOT discount their asexuality. The effects of sexual assault tend to be scarring, but it is only on VERY rare occasions that a person who's experienced this is rendered unable to experience sexual attraction from then on. Nearly all rape and sexual assault victims remain interested in sex, though trauma does take some time to get past and work through. Sadly, some people who already know they are asexual get assaulted BECAUSE of it, due to someone deciding that they just need to be shown a good time. Following that, I imagine being told repeatedly that they're only asexual because that happened to them would be nearly unbearable. In any case all experiences, including traumatic ones, can contribute to who we are and what we find interesting, but do not ever tell someone who's been abused that this is "the reason" for that person's asexuality. And for God's sake do not ever say "you just got raped as a child" to someone, especially if you honestly think it's a real possibility. How could you ever think this is an appropriate thing to say to someone whose past you do not know?

Watch me discuss this topic on YouTube