Bruce the Duck
Other sections:
| The Characters | The Movie |
Other sections:
| The Characters | The Movie |
Chapter 6: Alex the Prophet's Visit
"Oh, Gene, I'm scared," said Dean.
"Yeah, it's dark in here!"
They were in the cave of Alex the Prophet.
"I wonder where he is," said Dean.
"Ea,"1 said a voice.
Dean and Gene clutched each other.
"What was that?" asked Gene.
"Help," called Dean.
"Hey guys, it's just me," said Alex the Prophet.
"Oh, hi, Alex," they said in unison. They looked at each other and laughed because they had been so stupid.
Alex the Prophet turned on the flashlight and studied Ween carefully.
"You boys look troubled," Alex said wisely. Gene and Dean nodded. "What can I help you with?"
"Well," said Gene. "Uh . . . our friend Bruce the Duck had a can of Spam."
Alex made a face, remembering what had happened to him at a certain party involving that particular Pig Product.2
"It was stolen by Lay-me, Amy's evil twin sister."
Alex looked shocked.
"We were wondering if you knew where she was, and what she did with the can of Spam."
Alex looked shocked.
"Please help us!" Gene pleaded.
Alex smiled.
"Will you be nice to me?" Alex asked.
"Yes," replied the Ween brothers, patting Alex affectionately on the head.
"Will you say the magic word?"
"Ea," they said in chorus.
Alex smiled. The Ween brothers looked at him expectantly.
"Well," they said. "Where is Lay-me, and what did she do with the Spam?"
"Well, how the fuck do you expect me to know?" Alex replied, annoyed.
The Ween brothers felt very disappointed.
"Well, don't hate me, guys. I don't know where Amy's evil twin is. Sorry. Why don't you go and ask Dumbfuck3? He might know."
"What happened?" asked Amy. "Why are you back?"
"Uh," said Gene.
"Hmm," said Dean.
"Did Alex the Prophet tell you where Lay-me and the Spam are?" asked Julie.
"No," replied the Ween brothers dejectedly.
"What did Alex say?" asked Pimpy.
"He said we should go see Dumbfuck."
"Who's Dumbfuck?" asked Bruce.
"I know," bellowed the Doctor.
Everyone looked up to the guava tree, where Monty was guzzling 8-ball liquid.
"He's my brother," said Monty. "He lives over there," he added, pointing. His lips were stained purple by the 8-ball liquid.
Amy and Julie took to the air, in search of Dumbfuck.
"Hey, Natasha4," said Julie, feeling free to use their real names now that they were alone, "how come we can't find your sister?"
"I don't know, Pandora," Amy replied. "She's like Carmen SanDiego5 that way."
When they arrived at Dumbfuck's lair, they were appalled.
Dumbfuck was in the front yard with John6. Both were having a bad hair-day. Both felt like running when they saw Amy and Julie.
"Hey, Dumbfuck," called Julie. Dumbfuck looked up.
"Yeah?" he said.
"Uh . . . Do you know who Lay-me is?" Amy asked.
"Uh . . . no!" Dumbfuck lied.
"Come on, don't make us hurt you," said Julie. John laughed, so Julie and Amy sent him a telekinetic kick to the groin.
"I'll be in the house," gasped John, clutching his peenie and leaving.
"Do we have to hurt you, too?" threatened Amy.
"She's in my house, trying to get the Spam can open," said Dumbfuck. "Please don't hurt me!"
Julie and Amy smiled at each other as they walked up to the house. A large hand plucked John out of the house through the roof. It was Phil, demanding that John pull a rabbit out of his ass or make Dumbfuck's dick appear.
The door was kicked open, and Lay-me looked up from the Spam can in surprise. There stood Amy and Julie. Lay-me jumped up and the Spam can fell out of her clumsy hands and landed on the floor. She disappeared.
Amy and Julie looked at each other and shrugged. The Spam can lifted itself off the ground and went straight into Amy's pocket. Then Lay-me appeared again.
"Shit," she said. "I forgot my Spam, didn't I? Hand it over or I'll come and get it."
Needless to say, Amy didn't give her sister the Pig Product.
"First you put ketchup in my best friend's bag, and then you steal my Spam!" howled Lay-me.
"We never did that," said Julie.
"Yeah, it must've been Aaron. I always knew he was cool."
Lay-me scowled. She teleported to the spot behind Amy and tried to get her in a headlock, but she was simply too slow and Amy was simply too quick. Lay-me looked up to see her sister standing on the ceiling. So she grabbed Julie instead.
"Ow," shrieked Julie, disappearing as she said it and reappearing on top of the refrigerator.
"You can't come into my house!" yelled Lay-me.
"Yes, we can," said Amy. "We've got a pass, asswipe!"7 And she joined her friend on the refrigerator.
Lay-me tried to pull the Spam can out of Amy's pocket from across the room, but before she could, Amy simply put her hand over the pocket so that the Spam could not get out. With that Julie whipped out her magic wand and turned Lay-me into Baby Bop8.
"Good thinking, my friend!" said Amy as her new greenified sister tried to teach her how to count. "And now, we feast!" They opened up the cupboards and found lots and lots of purloined Spam cans. They saw Dumbfuck outside, removing his trousers and grinning. Rabbits began falling through the hole in the roof.
"What happened?" asked Julie.
"John just learned a new trick," replied Amy.
"I'm full," said Amy.
"I'm overful," said Julie. "We're going to be fat. Let's walk back to the guava trees to get some excersize."
"Yeah, or else that Spam will make us fat," added Amy.
They left Dumbfuck's house, passing John on the way. He was sitting on an ice bag. Dumbfuck was nowhere to be found, because he was discovering the virtues of his new toy.
"I hate walking," said Julie.
"Yeah," said Amy. "Oh - my - God . . . !"
Julie looked where Amy was looking and almost swallowed her brain.
"It's Billy Corgan9!" they whispered in unison. Billy looked at the girls and smiled.
"Hi," he said.
"Hi, Billy!" they replied. He began to sing "Spaceboy."
Amy and Julie woke up six hours later.
"Nih10," said someone.
"Aaah," replied Amy and Julie.
"Nih," said the voice again.
"Oh, it's the 'Nih' people," said Julie. "Interesting people you meet on the ground."
"Yeah," said Amy. "We should visit it more often."
"Hey, it's the sixties bitches," said a voice.
"Aaah! Chia Boy11!" They screamed and jumped into the air like rockets.
"Shit, that was close," said Amy, looking down. Her view consisted of trees, Chia Boy's furry head, and two pairs of black Converse All-Stars. Suddenly, there were three pairs.
"Rhea12!" screamed Amy.
"Oh, you're back!" yelled Julie, giving Rhea a big hug. She giggled.
"So," said Amy, "how was Non-Blonde land?"
"It's okay, but I miss you guys," she replied. "How's Blondeworld?"
"It's all right," said Julie, "but without shoe-day, life has no point!" she finished sappily. After an air-group hug, the two blondes and the non-blonde began their sacred shoe-day ritual, which was easier on the ground. They managed.
Next, they had a contest to see who could scream "Penis" the loudest.
Natasha, Pandora, and Rhea (aka Amy, Julie, and Heather) flew over the forest. They suddenly stopped in mid-flight, listening to a sound seemingly coming from the ground. It sounded like this: "Ow. Aaaaah! Waaah! Guh, wuh. Uh! Stop it! Uhhhhh . . . !"
They decided to investigate.
They snuck up behind the quarrelling couple. The boy was a tall guy with blue hair and a Black Crowes shirt, and the girl, about half his size, had blonde hair and was punching the boy solidly in the stomach.
"Ow!" cried the boy. "Cut it out, Flipper13! Leave me alone!" He reached out and put his hand on her forehead, which made it impossible for her to reach him. She swung furiously at him anyway.
"Now is this the only way we can talk?" asked the boy.
"I think that's James Iha14," whispered Julie to Amy.
"It can't be," Amy whispered back.
"Are you James Iha?" asked Heather loudly.
"No," the boy said, taking his hand off of Flipper's forehead.
"Quit being a jerk, I'm warning you," said Flipper.
Julie and Amy smiled, because every native of Blondeworld knew the terrible power of the Dolphin Girl.
The blue-haired boy, however, because he was a Non-blonde, knew nothing of Flipper's reputation.
"Don't make me do it," said Flipper.
"Do what?" asked the blue-haired boy.
She began to laugh.
The blue-haired boy looked shocked.
"What's she laughing at? What's so funny?"
"All I have to do is look at you!" she hooted. "Then I'll laugh forever!"
She kept laughing, and the blue-haired boy began to cover his ears and scream, "What did I do to deserve this? Oh, I never should have given her that wedgie!" He ran off into the woods, leaving Flipper to make her Dolphin-like noise by herself.
Amy poked Julie. "Let's go see Saltzy15," she suggested. Julie nodded and they took to the air, waving to Flipper.
"Do you think he was really James Iha?" asked Rhea.
"Nah, just a stupid kid with blue hair," answered Amy.
Do you actually want to read more of this? Then go on to the next five chapters.
If you're curious about my current skills in the long fiction department, check out the novels in my "current projects" section.
If you want to send me a comment about "Bruce the Duck," go to the interactive comment form.
FOOTNOTES:
MAIN PAGE
WRITING PAGE
LONG FICTION PAGE
BRUCE THE DUCK PAGE
1: Alex is based on a friend of mine, and he sometimes randomly made a noise that sounded like "Ea." My friends and I would often pat Alex on the head and encourage him to make the noise because we liked how it sounded. [BACK] 2: That would be my sixteenth birthday party, at which Alex was tackled upon arrival by several guests and force-fed Spam on a toothpick. [BACK] 3: "Dumbfuck" was a nickname given to a guy my friends didn't like. I didn't personally know him. Our friend Aaron once put an open ketchup packet in Dumbfuck's backpack. My sister later had a class with Dumbfuck and reported that he had "a good sense of humor about himself." [BACK] 4: "Natasha" was a name Amy sometimes used when she signed her notes. I don't know what signficance it had, but my alternate name was "Pandora," which was a name I'd picked as a code name in middle school. We sometimes used our silly other names to sign and address notes, and that's how these names got into "Bruce the Duck." [BACK] 5: Most people probably know this, but Carmen SanDiego is the name of a villain who travels the world in a geography-based game, and kids have to figure out the mystery of where she is based on clues she leaves. The Carmen franchise also includes a TV show and books and stuff. [BACK] 6: John was a classmate of mine who was well-known for doing magic tricks. He was an excellent magician, but also rather cocky and obnoxious sometimes, so I decided he deserved to be a villain in "Bruce." This was punishment for sitting behind me in history class and always singing a tuneless version of "Particle Man" under his breath. [BACK] 7: "We've got a pass, asswipe" is a quote from a Beavis & Butt-Head episode. Amy and I actually possessed a pass that allowed us to get out of class because of a chorus-related function once, and we wrote "We've got a pass, asswipe!" on the pass and kept it for posterity. Sometimes we made references to said pass as though we were now allowed to go anywhere. [BACK] 8: Baby Bop is a character on the previously-mentioned children's show Barney, and she is definitely evil. And green. [BACK] 9: Billy Corgan is the singer in the band Smashing Pumpkins, of which we were big fans. The big hit around the time this was written was "Spaceboy." [BACK] 10: The people yelling "Nih!" were of course the same characters who do so in the movie Monty Python and the Holy Grail. [BACK] 11: Chia Boy was a guy named Jason from our bus. He didn't like us and frequently called us "the sixties bitches" because we had long braidy hair, wore colored sunglasses, and wore bell-bottoms. We called him Chia Boy because his hair reminded us of a Chia pet. [BACK] 12: "Rhea" was the "secret name" (on par with "Natasha" and "Pandora") of our friend Heather. She sometimes wore the same shoes as we did—black Converse All-Stars—and when we noticed that we invented a weird ritual called "Shoe-Day," for which we would meet whenever we happened to match. She later ended up going to a different school, so in "Bruce" that manifested as her disappearance to Non-Blonde Land. [BACK] 13: "Flipper" is the name I gave to my friend Jen for purpose of "Bruce." Jen was a girl we knew who was rather short (shorter than me!) and whose laugh was reminiscent of a dolphin. We sometimes referred to her laugh as a Flipper noise, so I cast her in "Bruce" as having that laugh as a superpower. [BACK] 14: James Iha was a member of the Smashing Pumpkins band. The boy fighting with Flipper is Ben, who bears a resemblance to James only in that they are both Asian. Ben did not really have "blue" hair; it was just very black so that it had blue highlights. Ben and Jen dated briefly in high school, but later broke up. [BACK] 15: "Saltzy" was a nickname we gave to our history teacher, Mr. Saltzgaver. He was a very cool teacher, but sometimes he was a bit nutty. [BACK]