Bruce the Duck
Other sections:
| The Characters | The Movie |
Other sections:
| The Characters | The Movie |
Chapter 11: The Saltz Chapter
"Saltzy," said Amy.
"Saltzy," said Heather.
"Saltzy," said Julie."
Saltzy didn't look up. Saltzy hadn't heard them. They looked at each other knowingly. They stood there for a while, waiting for Saltzy to notice them. When he did, he almost jumped out of his seat.
The Saltz scratched his head.
"What can I do for you girls?" he asked.
"We don't know," said Julie.
"The author hasn't thought of that yet," added Heather.
"Well, I'll wait right here until she decides," the Saltzmeister replied.
The author can't decide which thing she wants the characters to ask Saltzy. She could make them ask him where they could find a wooden paddle to smack Chia Boy and his friends Porky and Dorky1 on their little bums, that was one choice.
Another choice was where they could ask him what year the French Revolution began and ask him about poodles' life spans.
Yet another choice was if they asked him to put on a pink tutu, do a dance on his desk, and suck on his feet. So they decided to do all three.
"Hey, Saltzy," said Rhea. "Where can you buy a paddle?"
"The Cat Food Store," he replied.
"Hey, Saltzy," said Pandora. "When did the French Revolution begin, and how long do poodles live?"
"Well, how the fuck do you expect me to know?" asked Saltzy. "I only teach history."
"Hey, Saltzy," said Natasha, "would you do a little dance in a pink tutu, please?"
"Sure," he said. So he did.
They went to the Cat Food Store. Then they bought a paddle and smacked Chia Boy, Porky, and Dorky. Then Rhea had to go back to Non-Blonde Land.
"Bye," they called to each other as Rhea flew away.
Then they flew to the guava trees. The doctor, Monty, was sleeping in a nest at the top. They saw Bruce the Duck and they swooped down to return the Spam can to him.
Chapter 12: Bruce's Nobility "Open it, Bruce!" urged Gene.
"Yeah, open it, Bruce!" agreed Dean.
"Yes, please do," implored the little English girl who has not been mentioned yet and will never be mentioned again since she doesn't belong in "Bruce the Duck."
Anyway; Julie and Amy and Pimpy urged Bruce to open it. All but Monty, who was asleep, pleaded with Bruce to open the can of Spam, but the young, small duck stood firm.
"No, my friends. I will not open the Spam!" he explained.
"Why?" asked Julie.
"Because this Spam is sacred. It may have come from across the ocean! No, friends, this can cannot be opened," said Bruce the Duck.
"No!" cried Amy.
"Until. . . . " said Bruce, grinning.
"Until what?" gasped Pimpy.
"Until we're ready for it," said Bruce.
"Ready for what?" asked Gene.
"Until we're ready to execute my plan," said Bruce.
"What plan?" asked Dean.
"The plan of the Spam dinner," replied Bruce.
"Africa!" cried Monty, who had just awoken from his dream. Everyone glared at him. He looked ashamed and washed his mouth out with 8-ball liquid.
"What Spam dinner?" asked that fuckin' English girl who won't keep her ass out of my story.
Everyone nervously awaited Bruce's answer. Amy fiddled with the end of her braid. Julie played with the seam of her Blind Melon shirt. Monty chewed his handkerchief. Pimpy tugged on his tail. Dean bit his lip. Gene pulled his socks up. Bruce stared solemnly at them all. Monty got angry and threatened to knock him out with a guava fruit if he didn't spill it.
"This Spam is sacred," he said again. "It must be sampled by all who live here!"
Chapter 13: Bruce's Problem Julie and Amy picked Bruce up and hugged him affectionately as he laughed and quacked.
"Oh, Bruce, I knew you'd be cool about the Spam!" exclaimed Julie. For a while there, they had thought Bruce was going to be a selfish dickhead and store the Spam in a museum or something, but instead, he just wanted to make sure everyone got a chance to taste his magnificent, fought-for prize.
They put Bruce down and he looked up at them with affection radiating out of his blue eyes.
Bruce turned his back on all of them and started to walk away.
"But where are you going?" asked Gene, his eyes full of concern.
"I'm going to my condo to make invitations," he explained, and left. He stayed in his condo all day, hard at work.
Somehow, Monty could not get out of the guava tree. He was stuck. He had managed to get up, but now he was a prisoner in the tree.
Many times he had tried to get out of the tree and failed, but then it didn't matter because he didn't really want to leave it, he was only trying to see if he could do it. But now he had to get down from the tree, for two reasons: one, Gene and Dean wanted to engage in their daily tradition of licking it from top to bottom (and he didn't want to be licked), and two, he had to drain his lizard. Too much 8-Ball liquid.
Pimpy asked Amy and Julie to go up and bring him down. They rolled their eyes and complied, dumping Monty on the ground like a sack of potatoes. The Ween brothers scrambled up the tree to lick it, and Monty rubbed his bruised ass.
Bruce was crying from the condo.
"What's wrong, Bruce?" asked Pimpy.
"All the people I want to invite—I don't know where they live! What can I do?" he sobbed.
"Call 'em up," suggested Pimpy.
"There's no phone on this island, stupid!" Bruce admonished him. "What am I gonna do?"
Chapter 14: Invitations "Bruce," said Pimpy. "I have the perfect solution to your problem!"
"What?" asked Bruce, drying his eyes on his wings.
"Julie and Amy can go get all your friends for you!"
Bruce smiled.
"Hell no," said Amy.
"I don't think so!" chirped Julie.
Everyone looked at them, astonished, with a questioning look in their eyes, except for Monty, who was looking into the 8-ball, seeing if there was any fluid he had missed drinking. There wasn't, and he hollered mournfully, enjoying the sound the holler made when it echoed off of the inner walls of the empty 8-ball. He shook it, grinning, wanting the person who had just hollered at him to come out and play. He wanted, among other things, more 8-ball fluid and a dry diaper.
Even Gene and Dean refrained from licking the guava tree to stare at Julie and Amy.
"We're tired of being used," declared Julie.
"If we're going to help, you guys have to help, too!" Amy agreed.
"If we all share the work, will you help us?" asked Pimpy.
They nodded. Bruce beamed.
"You do realize," said Pimpy, "that there are some places we cannot get to. You'll have to do those ones."
Julie and Amy chuckled.
"Okay," they agreed.
Bruce gave invitations to everyone, but Julie and Amy got the most. It turned out that most of Bruce's friends weren't residents of Blondeworld. It would take days to go get them all, without Amy and Julie contributing their immensely helpful aid of teleportation. Some could be reached only by Amy, Julie, or maybe Phil. (He, after all, was God of Blondeworld.)
So let us go first with the Ween brothers, who have only four invitations, on their journey to seek Bruce's Spam-lovin' companions.
Chapter 15: The Trek of Gene + Dean "Oh, great tie-god," prayed Gene and Dean. "We beg of thee to bestow upon us the priveledge of being in the presence of thine mighty tie."
"Who wishes that I comply?" boomed Phil.
"'Tis but I, Gene Ween, and my brother Deaner."
The holy but tacky tie unrolled from the clouds. With one trembling hand, Dean placed the invitation onto the silken threads of the corbata2. The tie paused, then rolled up, clutching the invitation.
Gene and Dean looked at each other.
"We did it," said Gene.
"Yay!" said Dean. They had just invited the Tie God to a Spam fest. To celebrate, they got high on helium as they began the search for The Lumberjack3.
He was there in the woods in suspenders, a bra, and high-heels, chipping away at a tree. Gene and Dean presented The Lumberjack with the invitation. He read it and said,
"I can't read this. It's in Duck." So they explained to him about the party. So he smacked his suspenders against his chest and said, "Let's go!"
Gene + Dean only had to stop at Mickey D's to pick up Ronald McDonald before they journeyed to Alex's cave. Many non-blondes were residents of Blondeworld: they had Green Cards. Most brunettes, however, chose not to live there because they fear the persecution that might come with it. Ronald and Alex were among those brave Non-Blondes who chose to take their chances with the sometimes-ferocious Blondeworld natives, who were, in the whole population of the world, really a minority. There was a rumor that there was an all-redhead island in the Caribbean—but it is probably hogwash. Redheads generally belong to their own category.
Gene and Dean picked up Ronald and the shaggy-haired Alex the Prophet, and began the trek home.
Do you actually want to read more of this? Then go on to the next five chapters.
If you're curious about my current skills in the long fiction department, check out the novels in my "current projects" section.
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FOOTNOTES:
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LONG FICTION PAGE
BRUCE THE DUCK PAGE
1: Chia Boy hung around with his friends, twin brothers Jason and Chris. One twin had spiky hair like a porcupine, so we called him "Porky" for short, and then we decided the other one, who didn't have spiked hair, should have the rhyming name "Dorky." Their only crime was being friends with Chia Boy. We didn't really know them. [BACK] 2: "Corbata" just means "tie" in Spanish. [BACK] 3: The Lumberjack is a reference to the Monty Python song of the same name. The Lumberjack is a cross-dressing woodsman. He cuts down trees, he wears high heels, suspendies and a bra. (I say "suspenders" in the manuscript, though, and I gave him "real" suspenders holding his pants up rather than using the lingerie they're really talking about in the song.) [BACK]