Bruce the Duck
Here are the main characters of "Bruce the Duck," in order of appearance; they are accompanied by a face shot of their lovely, well-crafted cardboard models which were used in the movie.
|Bruce the Duck: Our hapless protagonist. Bruce is a sweet, kind young duck who wanders Blondeworld trying to make friends and keep the friends he has. He is curious and rather naïve, and of course cute. He has a condo on Blondeworld Island Coast (which was built using spit as cement—???), and he is the one who found the mysterious Spam can lying in the sand . . . that same Spam can that brought all the characters together and made the sad excuse for a plot happen.
|Monty Python: Obviously based on the Monty Python's Flying Circus Gumby characters, Monty wears a knotted handkerchief as a hat and is obsessed with his Magic 8-Ball. Early in the series, Pimpy helps Monty break his 8-Ball, after which he is always seen drinking the liquid inside. Monty is mentally challenged and likes to sit in the guava tree and throw guavas at people while hollering. He doesn't really do much besides make the audience laugh and . . . well, hurt people with guava fruits.
|Pimpy the Stud-Mouse: Pimpy is a six-foot-tall sexless mouse who loves Spam and Ween and hates rap music and heights. He is generally the voice of reason in this group of nutcases, and he is also quite strong and able to help with physical tasks. Pimpy also has an ongoing disagreement with Phil the Tie-God, which is bad news for him.
|Amy: Based on my classmate from Biology and Women's Chorus, Amy wears a Spam shirt and is known to be knowledgeable about all things related to that canned meat product. Amy has a host of special powers with which she can perform a variety of tasks; the most often-used of her abilities include flight, teleportation, and random performances of telekinesis when it suits her. She basically has the same abilities that Julie, listed below, has, but she is much better than Julie at controlling time with a magic wand. She has an evil sister who dresses like a slut. Her secret name is Natasha.
|Julie: My shameless self-insert character has long blonde braids that come out of holes cut for them in her backwards ball cap. She is smaller than Amy and has longer hair, but other than that the two seem to pretty much fill the same role in the story, except Julie has no evil sister and wears a Blind Melon shirt instead. She also can fly, teleport, and move things without touching them. However, she is better at making things appear and disappear than Amy is. Julie's secret name is Pandora.
|Gene Ween: Gene is the singer of the band Ween (in real life), and in "Bruce the Duck" he is also part of that band. He and his brother Dean come up with cool ideas when assisted by helium inhalation, and they have been known to generally assist with errands and provide amusing lines. Gene is around in the story all the time, but to tell you the truth he doesn't have much of a role except to be there.
|Dean Ween: The talented guitarist of the band Ween, Dean and his brother hang out at the guava tree and provide companionship for Bruce and co. Dean and Gene are important in a quest to find a lost can of Spam, when they go to Alex the Prophet to search for information.
See full scans of each character (front and back):
FULL CAST OF CHARACTERS LIST:
If you were amused by this and want to see more old bad writing, be sure and check out the "ancient history" section of my writing page.
- Bruce the Duck
- Monty Python
- Pimpy the Stud-Mouse
- Gene Ween
- Dean Ween
- Lay-me: Amy's evil twin, who stole the Spam.
- Phil the Tie-God: The deity of Blondeworld, represented by a large silk tie. Based on my boyfriend at the time.
- Alex the Prophet: Lives in a cave and makes funny noises, and does not seem to actually do any prophecy.
- Dumbfuck: Monty's brother (little-known fact!), based on a guy some of my friends didn't like.
- John the Magician: Based on a classmate who did magic tricks, this guy was friends with Dumbfuck and was helping to protect him from the Spam rescue mission.
- Baby Bop: This is a quick appearance of the Barney character, because Julie turned Lay-Me into Baby Bop when she wouldn't give the Spam can back.
- Billy Corgan: Lead singer of Smashing Pumpkins who makes a cameo appearance.
- "Nih" people: Just some dudes from the Monty Python Holy Grail movie.
- Chia Boy: A guy from my bus I didn't like. He calls Amy and Julie "the sixties bitches" and harasses them until they fly away.
- Heather (Rhea): A friend of ours in real life, who in "Bruce the Duck" was pretty much a non-blonde version of us with comparable abilities and personality. Participated in a ritual called "shoe-day."
- Ben and Flipper: Based on Ben and Jen, two classmates of mine who dated but later broke up. Jen had a funny laugh that sounded like a dolphin, so in the story she defeated Ben by attacking him with Dolphin Power laughter.
- Saltzy: A strange teacher based on an actual strange teacher of mine. In the story, he dances on his desk wearing a tutu.
- Porky and Dorky: Twin brothers who were Chia Boy's friends.
- Felicity (a.k.a. That Fuckin' English Girl): This random person would pop up and say lines when no one else was around to say them, but she didn't have a name for a long time. Somehow she made a deal with me, as the author, that if she fulfilled an obligation then I would consent to name her, and "Felicity" is what I eventually named her when she fulfilled her obligation.
- The Lumberjack: Just a dude who wanders around cutting down trees wearing suspenders and a bra. (Based on the Monty Python song.) In the movie, he's actually wearing "real" suspenders, not the type the Pythons were thinking of, methinks.
- Ronald McDonald: God knows why this clown is in the book.
- Froggie the Gremlin: Our teacher, Saltzy, used to always talk about Froggie the Gremlin who plunked his magic twanger. We thought it sounded so funny that he got put in "Bruce the Duck." He didn't do much but plunk the twanger, though.
- "Weird Al" Yankovic: Yup, the singer. He doesn't do anything but make cameo appearances. In the movie, we always played one of his songs in the background when he was onscreen.
- A Sheep: Bruce required a sheep at his party, so when people were sent out to collect his guests, Pimpy had to make sure he got a sheep.
- Stephen King: The famous writer was a character in this dumb book. He was found in the woods working on the fourth Dark Tower book (which wasn't finished at the time this was written), and he was harboring Flipper and Bran-Muffin Boy in the back room. He gave Monty more 8-ball fluid when he ran out.
- Mr. Peanut: He was just there. The guy from the Planters can.
- Bran-Muffin Boy: He appeared in this story because the real Amy made references to a "Bran-Muffin Boy," but I didn't know where it came from. It just somehow ended up in the story.
- Beavis & Butt-head: I randomly inserted these characters into the story. They just acted like themselves.
- Cleavis & Nutt-head: Female versions of Beavis & Butt-Head that my sister and I made up. Cleavis is a slut and Nutt-Head is always high.
- Adam Sandler: The singer and entertainer made a cameo appearance at Bruce's Spam party.
- Ren & Stimpy: I inserted these characters 'cause I like them.
- Paul McCartney: He's just the well-known singer, but in this book there's a difference: He's randomly on fire all the time. The flames increase and decrease in intensity depending on how Paul feels at the time.
- Toto: Toto is running for President of Blondeworld, which is illegal because he is not blonde. He's the same dog of Oz fame.
- Cuong: My lab partner in real life, in the biology class where I first started writing this beast. He shows up later as the Amazing Absent Lab Partner. Julie and Amy have to go to China to get him (because that's where he moved to).
- Björk: The singer. I like her. So she's in the book as a guest of the Spam party, though Julie and Amy have to go to Iceland to get her.
- Mr. Skronski: One of our substitute teachers at school reminded us of the Cat in the Hat. His name was Mr. Skronski. I put him in the story actually wearing a stripy hat.
- Yakko the Walrus: The character who represented our friend Bryan. He was in a zoo and had to be rescued.
- Aaron the Giraffe: Same as Bryan—our friend Aaron was a giraffe who could make his neck longer or shorter. He had to be rescued too.
- Herminio: Based on my real friend Herminio, this character eats poop all day. It's because of a story Herminio told me about a Spanish legend. It's quite disgusting.
- Meghan (a.k.a. Toadstool): Based on the real Meggie, Toadstool was a girl who had latent teleportation abilities but had never been encouraged to use them out of fear of being considered freaky. Julie and Amy were encouraging her to perfect her talent so she could legally move to the Surreal World and escape college.
- Laura: An acquaintance of mine and sort of girlfriend of Phil, this girl turned into a moody character in "Bruce" who got kidnapped out of her bedroom by Julie and Amy. She was forced to go to the party in her nightgown and was quite upset.
- Richard: A boy in one of our classes inspired this character. He was locked up for talking about Julie and Amy's crazy powers, but was actually crazy because he never lied.
- Steve (the philosopher of Bale): Based on our friend Steve, he always pondered the mystery of Bale. What is Bale? Nobody ever did answer that question.
- Noble: A friend of ours. He was the Bringer of the Hubcap in "Bruce." This is because one time his hubcap fell off on the highway and we thought it was hilarious because we were dumb teenagers.
- Mom: My mom was in the story. Her role was to get distracted as Julie kidnapped her own sisters. She dances to Michael Jackson videos.
- Patricia and Lindsay: Julie's sisters. They have magic powers too. Patricia can fly and Lindsay invented a magic wand.
- Brian: Amy's brother, who can teleport like Amy and Julie.
- Jennifer, Ammy, Brooke, Valoree, Adrienne, Zsofia, Andrea, Tara, Michelle, Stacy, and Corrinn: The girls in the women's chorus class. Julie and Amy kidnapped them to make them participate in a séance to acquire some ghosties for their party.
- Freddie Mercury, Kurt Cobain, and Jim Morrison: Resident rock-star spooks. Julie and Amy brought them back in a séance (assisted by the women's chorus members) and they were able to come to the Spam party.
- Randy: Adam Sandler made a woman out of sand and named her Randy. She later came to life.
- Prince Mary: I think Prince Mary was the world's fattest mermaid. I made her up.
- Yakko, Wakko, & Dot: The lead characters of Animaniacs HAD to be in the story, because I was obsessed with them. They were just there to be wacky and attend the party.
- Jen the Vibrator: Based on my real friend Jen, I asked her if she wanted to be in "Bruce the Duck" and she said she wanted her character to be represented as a giant vibrator. She got her wish.
- Jennie the Horse: I don't know why Jennie wanted to be a horse, either. But she did. And she was inserted into "Bruce" as a minor character who stood around and was a horse a lot.
- Mia, Keeper of the World-Renowned Vestigial Wings: Mia made a late entrance into the story because she wasn't around when it was first being written, but of course like everything else in my life she got written into it when the time was right. When everyone in the story ate diseased Spam and scattered themselves all over the world, Mia's job was to go find Dean Ween and bring him back. Mia has wings, but she can't fly with them.
- Frank Furter the Sea Monster: Frank has no relation to the character in Rocky even though he has his name. He talks in Pig Latin and helps find Alex the Prophet, I think.
- Evie: Evie is a mermaid that looks like a female Gumby (like Monty!), and she has that name because a schizophrenic guy who wrote weird notes and threw them in my friend's lawn mentioned "Evie" a lot and we thought it was a funny name so we used it.
- Mr. Chu-Head: One of the creations of Mia and Molly . . . somehow he made it into my story too. Chu's job is to bite butts. He does it well.
If you're curious about my current skills in the long fiction department, check out the novels in my "current projects" section.
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