Bruce the Duck


Other sections:
The Characters The Story

"Bruce the Duck" became a movie when my friend Mia read the manuscript and decided to collaborate with me. She took her old 1980s camera—which was this odd handpiece that plugged into an ancient VCR which in turn plugged into the wall—and brought it to my house, where we filmed ridiculous footage of the construction paper "Bruce" characters being moved around with our fingers in the shots.


(Or just read down in order to see it all!)

Watch Movie Clips About the Makers Making-Of Chapter-by-Chapter Summary (with screencaps)

The Guilty Parties:

The movie was made by me, Mia, and my sister Patricia, though my sis quit participating toward the end. We'd grab a section of the written material, make some plans, gather some dumb props, and figure out who was doing whose lines. Technical difficulties, flubbed lines, and idiotic inside jokes were incorporated or surmounted as we pleased. And the mess our filming made invariably pissed off my mom. We did it anyway.


There wasn't much to it. I made the construction paper characters. We grabbed a pillowcase for a background, made a house out of Lincoln Logs for Bruce's condo, made a rudimentary tree for the guava tree, and grabbed various and sundry props. Our stunning special effects involved floating objects (with the help of dental floss) and amazing disappearing characters (with the power of the pause button on the video recorder). Many scenes were acted over a soundtrack, which was heavy on the "Weird Al" and Ween, of course. And there you have it.


Introduction: Just a quick show of credits. Sister P held an introduction paper while sitting in a rocking chair (deliberately displaying the titles upside-down), and then I held a list of credits. A nod to Kathryn Page was on the paper, which was a reference to Animaniacs.
Chapter 1: Bruce was playing his accordion peacefully when he ran into Monty, who was smacking himself in the head with a wooden board. Bruce wanted to know what Monty wanted, and Monty didn't really know, so he ended up having to consult his Magic 8-ball. He did so, but since the 8-ball can only answer yes/no questions, he just came up with "Yes," which dissatisfied Bruce and caused him to demand an answer once again. Pimpy interrupted their fighting. Then Julie and Amy arrived, and Gene and Dean followed them, getting upset that Monty was in the guava tree because they wanted to lick it. Off they went into the sunset with Julie and Amy.
Chapter 2: While wandering the beach, Bruce found a mysterious object in the sand. He decided to ask Pimpy what it was, and asked Monty where Pimpy was. Monty didn't know, so Bruce began to look under rocks for Pimpy. He didn't find the Stud-Mouse, but he did amass enough rocks to build a condo, so he did so, using spit as cement. When Bruce went into his new condo, Pimpy came crashing through the skylight. Bruce asked Pimpy to identify his prize, and Pimpy said it was a can of Spam! "What do cans of Spam DO?" asked Bruce, and Pimpy said they don't do anything; you eat them. But just as they were about to have lunch, Lay-me arrived and stole the Spam can.
Chapter 3: Bruce, upset by the loss of his Spam can, walked away from Pimpy while crying, but then he encountered Julie floating cross-legged in the air. He disturbed her reverie and she fell on the ground. After their awkward first encounter, Julie and Bruce made each other's acquaintance, but then Julie whined that she wished Amy would hurry up and return because she was hungry. Bruce was hungry too, and couldn't get to the guava fruits on top of the tree because he couldn't climb, so Julie used her special powers to snag guavas for Bruce. Then she teleported away to try to find Amy. Bruce was rather shocked. [This chapter can be seen below under filename "Chapter3."]
Commercial Break: We shamelessly advertised our favorite shoes—Converse All-Stars—and also shamelessly used Animaniacs dolls to do it, complete with a Yakko sound clip.
Chapter 4: Julie came back complaining she couldn't find Amy, and Bruce was frightened by her appearance (saying he is going to "spew his guavas"). Then the Tie-God made an appearance, but his divine presence is only to . . . announce that Pimpy is a homo. This angered Julie. Amy then returned, having been in New Jersey getting Gene and Dean. Julie alerted Amy that Phil the Tie-God had been calling Pimpy a homo again, so the two blonde girls helped Pimpy fly up to the tie to tell it off. Pimpy asserted that he could not possibly be a homo because he had no genitalia, and he proved it by taking off his briefs. (That was censored.) The chapter ended when Pimpy admitted that his drawers were normally full of stuffing.
Interlude: Yakko Love: First a bit with Pimpy and Funquita was added—she's not a real character, but we did a dumb skit with a slutty dancer named Funquita—and then there was a live-action skit in which Mia and I huggled on our multiple Yakko dolls (and each other) before pretending to realize WE WERE BEING FILMED! We decided not to show this to Phil since he'd surely kick our asses (being that he was a rather jealous boyfriend and wouldn't want us kissing on Yakko), but it was too late; a tie attacked. The scene finished showing us tied to poles with multiple ties, and even my sister Lindsay wouldn't help us. The Yakkos were tied up too. The end.
Introduction: Season 3: There wasn't much of an introduction to Season 2, but Season 3 had this nice preamble by Mia. But she was trying to introduce the thing whilst being attacked by mallets and spatulas wielded by my sister and me. She was just about through the introduction when I deprived her of her sensibilities by draping a tie on her. She screamed until the next scene started. [This can be seen below under filename "Season 3 Intro."]
Chapter 5: The group began to deliberate what should be done about the stolen Spam can. Amy and Julie flew around looking for Lay-me, which made Bruce wistful; he wished his wings hadn't been clipped so he could fly too. His mood only worsened when Monty hit him with his 8-ball, which he was throwing because he was trying to break it. Gene and Dean, while brainstorming, got high on helium. This led to some bad cuts because Mia kept saying the wrong lines, so there was an interlude in which we got some acting coaching from my sister the director. When the action resumed, Gene and Dean finally inhaled their helium and got the idea to go ask Alex the Prophet where Lay-me was. Monty threw the 8-ball at Bruce again and made him cry. Pimpy gave Monty a talking-to, then helped Monty break the 8-ball with a karate chop, and Monty drank some of the fluid. [The funny outtakes of us getting directed and correcting ourselves can be seen below under filename "Outtakes."] We kept yelling "Albatross!" in true Monty Python fashion.
Chapter 6: Gene and Dean went to the cave of Alex the Prophet. They encountered the mysterious Alex, who made the noise "Ea." They asked the question of where Lay-me and the Spam were, and Alex couldn't help them, but suggested they ask Dumbfuck. This whole scene was filmed during a point when the old camera was messing up, so tons of static and warped sound are in this chapter, but we were amused by how it looked and sounded so trippy, so we kept it. It was filmed under my parents' dining room table. By candlelight. At about 2 in the morning.
Interlude: Time to Get Funky: We interrupted the movie to spend twenty minutes frolicking on tape. We didn't do anything of interest, but we danced, sang, said dirty things, and talked about what we wanted to say to the world. I displayed my butt in a yoga move; Mia displayed her panties; Patricia wore a bowl on her head. It was quite stupid, and it was yet more proof that we shouldn't have had our own camera.
Chapter 7: Gene and Dean returned with the news that they must find Dumbfuck. No one knew who he was at first, but then Monty revealed that Dumbfuck was his brother and pointed the direction. Julie and Amy took off looking for him, and found him in the front yard of his lair with his friend John the magician. Julie and Amy tried to wrestle the information of Lay-me's whereabouts out of them, but ended up having to resort to physical violence. Finally they confessed that Lay-me was inside trying to get the Spam can open. As they ventured inside, the Tie-God grabbed John and demanded some rude magic tricks.
Chapter 8: A showdown occured between Julie and Amy and Lay-me. A super-powered battle for the Spam went on, which ended after Julie turned Lay-me into Baby Bop with a magic wand. They found the Spam . . . as well as many other purloined cans! On their way back to the guava tree, they saw rabbits falling through the hole in Dumbfuck's ceiling; John had learned to pull a rabbit out of his ass. This finished up with a whine from Mia and me about how the VCR had screwed up twice during the chapter and we kept having to re-do stuff.
Chapter 9: On the way back to the guava tree, Julie and Amy decided to walk so they could work off the extra calories they'd run up from eating Spam. They ran into Billy Corgan from Smashing Pumpkins, and witnessing him sing put them into a temporary coma. Then, unfortunately, they ran into Chia Boy, who caused them to retreat to the air. There they met their old friend Rhea, whom they had not seen in a long time because she is a non-blonde and doesn't live in Blondeworld. The three celebrated their reunion by doing a shoe-day ritual and having a contest to see who can scream "Penis!" the loudest.
Chapter 10: The trio came upon the quarrelling couple Flipper and Ben. She was punching him in the stomach, and he put his hand on her forehead so she couldn't reach. She got him back by unleashing her terrible Dolphin Girl powers: An amazing dolphin-like laugh that defeated Ben and made him run away. Julie, Amy, and Heather flew away in search of Saltzy.
Interlude: Flipper-Bashing: We took a break to take our Flipper character and sacrifice it to Yoda with a gigantic mallet. We played the dolphin laugh soundtrack while we did it.
Interlude: Pudgy Bunny: Mia and I had a contest with our friends Phil and Bryan to see who could stuff the most marshmallows in our mouths at once and still say "Pudgy Bunny." Phil was the winner with 14. We then engaged in many more antics with the marshmallows.
Chapter 11: Amy, Julie, and Rhea visited Saltzy, who was surprised to see them. Unfortunately, they were not sure why they had come to see him because the author hadn't figured that out yet. They pondered the author's choices, and decided to ask Saltzy all the possible questions. Saltzy ended up answering silly questions and dancing in a pink tutu. The girls took Saltzy's advice and bought a paddle at the cat food store, which they then used to paddle Chia Boy and his friends Porky and Dorky. Rhea went back to Non-Blonde Land and Julie and Amy returned to the guava tree.
Chapter 12: Everyone encouraged Bruce to open up his returned Spam can, but Bruce refused to do so. At first everyone thought he was nuts because they all went to such trouble to get his Spam back for him only to find out he wasn't planning to eat it, but then he revealed that the Spam was probably sacred, having come from across the ocean. He decided he wanted to have a special "Spam dinner" and that the Spam must be sampled by all who live here!
Chapter 13: Bruce went into his condo to make invitations to his party, and Monty dealt with the problems of being stuck in the guava tree. He had to get down because he needed to pee and the Ween brothers needed to lick the palm for guava. Eventually all was well with the guava tree because Julie and Amy got Monty down, but then Bruce started crying from the condo! Pimpy asked him what's wrong, and it turned out that many of Bruce's friends couldn't be invited to his party because . . . he didn't know where they lived!
Commercial: Bruce the Duck Shirts: A short advertisement in which Mia and I displayed our Bruce the Duck puffy-paint tee shirts, painted by me. The shirts said "I WENT TO THE GUAVA TREE and all I got was this lousy T-shirt." On the back it had a lovely picture of the usual scene at the guava tree with all the main characters. [You can see the actual shirt commercial below under filename "Shirt Commercial."]
Chapter 14: Pimpy said he had a solution to Bruce's trouble, but unfortunately his idea was "Get Amy and Julie to go get all your friends for you," and they announced that they were sick of being used. They agreed to help get to the hard-to-reach places as long as everyone else shared the work closer to home, so the chapter ended with the Ween brothers traveling to deliver their four invitations. [You can see the footage of the chapter below under filename "Chapter 14."]
Chapter 15: Gene and Dean were charged with actually inviting the God of Blondeworld, and they summoned the silken tie and gave Phil his invitation. Following that, they gave invitations to The Lumberjack, Ronald McDonald, and Alex the Prophet. We got extremely silly in this episode and ended up knocking everything off the stage, eating each other's toes, and making the characters have a soul dance in response to the background music from a tape we found thrown in the front yard of one of our friends. I believe Mia was killed with a shoebox as well. [You can see the footage of the chapter below under filename "Chapter 15."]
Last Intro: We gave a quick introduction to the last episodes made of "Bruce the Duck," geared toward the audience we knew would be seeing them: The guests of the viewing party. We were so short on time that we did this introduction and then filmed the episodes . . . and before we were finished making the episodes, our guests started arriving. So we actually saw them for the first time along with our guests. This was my lovely intro.
Chapter 16: Pimpy's quest to find Bruce party guests involved tracking down Saltzy, Froggy the Gremlin, Billy Corgan, and . . . a sheep. Pimpy found everyone and everything on his list and coerced everyone into coming with him. It wasn't difficult.
Chapter 17: Monty, brain-damaged though he is, was still entrusted to giving out invitations, and he made his way to Stephen King's house. Stephen helped him find the others: Bran-Muffin Boy and Flipper were screwing inside his house, after all, and then he had Mr. Peanut (and his brother) in his peanut bowl. (Monty began to eat the peanuts. We did too.) He was supposed to find That Fuckin' English Girl and Carmen SanDiego, but . . . they only show up when they want to, Stephen reminded him. Monty managed to also find a jug of 8-ball liquid in Stephen's house, so he was very, very happy.

Movie Clips to Watch:

Remember, these are from a VHS tape made by unprofessional high school students in the mid-1990s with a camera made in the 1980s. They are not good quality and there's nothing I can do about it.

Click these to open in a new window and watch, OR right-click the links below each to download and save!
Chapter 3 Season 3 Intro Outtakes
Shirt Commercial Chapter 14 Chapter 15

If you were amused by this and want to see more old bad writing, be sure and check out the "ancient history" section of my writing page.

If you're curious about my current skills in the long fiction department, check out the novels in my "current projects" section.

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