Bruce the Duck

Other sections:

The Characters The Movie

"Bruce the Duck" is a collection of nonsense I began to write when I was maybe sixteen or so. Because it is nothing but a bunch of self-referential, in-joke high school madness, I have annotated it. Anytime you see a hyperlinked footnote, you can click it to travel to the bottom of the page for an explanation of the reference. And each reference will contain a link to take you right back to what you were reading.

Chapter 1: Bruce the Duck

       Bruce the Duck1 plays his accordian. The night is peaceful. Bruce leans against a guava tree2 on his deserted island and is about to fall asleep when his poked in the rear by Monty, who is absurdly waddling around with a knotted handkerchief on his head, yelling "Doctor!!!"3

       Bruce says "what do you want?" as Monty smacks himself in the head with a wooden board. "I don't know!!!" replies Monty, stretching his mouth so wide that his moustache falls off. "Let me consult my 8-ball," Monty bellows. He reaches into his boxers and produces a black 8-ball. He shakes it and turns it over for the reply. "Yes," it says.

       "Yes!" bellows Monty.

       "But what do you want?" Bruce pleads.

       "Yes!" replies Monty. "Yes, yes!"

       "All right, break it up," says a voice from above. Up in the guava tree sat Pimpy the Stud-Mouse.

       "That's no way to behave," Pimpy admonished Monty.

       "My brain hurts," he replied.

       "Everyone's brain hurts sometimes. That only means an operation is needed." Pimpy hops out of the guava tree.

       "I'm going to operate!" yells Doctor Monty.

       "Now, now," says Pimpy. "You need anesthetic."

       "We forgot the anesthetic!!!" yells Monty. "Nurse!!!!"

       Bruce begins to dig in the sand trying to drown out the loud problem of Barney's theme song4 that was now playing annoyingly in his head. He places his head in the sand. After a few minutes he realizes he cannot breathe under there.

       "Hey," said Amy and Julie. "It's a duck. Let's give it a hug." Then Ween5 comes along. "Hey," says Gene. "Get out of our guava tree." "Yeah," says Dean. "We want to lick it."6 And away they went with Amy and Julie.

Chapter 2: Mysterious Canned Product

       "La-dee-dah," says Bruce as he skips. "Ho-dee-doe." He bends down to pick up a shell that is very silvery. It is stuck in the sand! Bruce the Duck digs in the sand, trying to unearth the strange object.

       "Eureka," he screams, pulling his prize from the ground.

       Bruce stares at the strange object.

       "I wonder what it is," Bruce wonders wonderingly. "I think I'll ask Pimpy."

       Bruce skips back to the guava tree.

       "Hey, doctor," hollers Bruce. "Where's the Stud-Mouse?"

       The Doctor, Monty Python, sits at the top of the guava tree.

       "I don't know," bellows Monty, throwing a guava-fruit at Bruce. Monty kisses his 8-ball and wonders what that stuff is inside it. he wonders what will happen if he breaks it. "Perhaps," he thinks, "someday I shall."

       Bruce cannot find Pimpy. He hasn't seen him since Amy and Julie left so abruptly with Gene and Dean.

       Bruce begins to look under rocks for Pimpy. He isn't under any of them. Soon he has piled up so many rocks that he has enough to build a condo. He does so, using spit as cement, still clinging to the strange object. When he opens the door, Pimpy is not inside. But he does come crashing through the skylight six seconds later.

       "Sorry," says Pimpy. "I was learning to fly, but I ain't got wings. Comin' down is the hardest thing."7

       "No," bellows a voice from the sky. "My tie is the hardest thing."8

       "What is this?" asks Bruce.

       "Why, that is a can of Spam," says Pimpy.

       "What do cans of Spam do?"

       "Nothing," says Pimpy. "You eat them."

       "Well, let's have lunch," said Bruce.

       "Okay," said Pimpy.

       "Not so fast," said Amy. She stole the can of Spam from Bruce and teleported away.

       "What was her problem?" asked Pimpy.

       "She was hungry," Bruce replied.

Chapter 3: The Meeting of Julie

       Pimpy sat and tried to comfort Bruce the Duck. He was crying at the loss of his Spam can. The horrible loss had devastated him.

       "Where could it have gone? Where could SHE have gone?" screamed Bruce.

       "No one knows," Pimpy said wisely. "Perhaps she went to the strange place where Amazing Absent Lab Partners go."9

       Bruce stood up, quacking and crying. "I'll just have to find another can of Spam." He walked out of his condo and went to the guava tree.

       He met a girl. She was sitting Indian-style three feet off the ground, staring at the sky.

       "Who are you?" asked Bruce. The girl's eyes went wide and she tumbled onto the ground.

       "You shit," the girl admonished him. "You complete and utter turd!" She stood up and tried to wipe the sand off of her ass.

       "I'm sorry," said Bruce sincerely. "What's your name?"

       "I'm Julie," said the girl.

       "I'm Bruce," he said, offering her his wing.

       She shook it as she looked around. "Where's Amy," she mumbled. "I'm hungry."

       "I'm hungry, too," said Bruce. "I had a can of Spam, but someone with blonde hair, like yours but lighter, appeared out of thin air and took it away from me."

       "Spam? Blonde? Appeared? That had to be Amy," said Julie.

       "I'm hungry," whined Bruce.

       "Why don't you eat a guava fruit?" she asked.

       "I can't reach," he said.

       Julie shrugged. "Climb it."

       "I can't climb, stupid. I'm a duck."

       Julie shaded her eyes from the sun and looked up at the guava fruits. A whole bunch suddenly fell onto the ground.

       "Wow," said Bruce. "Did you do that?"

       "Yes," replied Julie.

       "How? Can you teach me?"

       "I can't, sorry. Enjoy your lunch. I have to find Amy," she said. Then she disappeared. Bruce stared at the place where she had been.

Chapter 4: The Pimpy-Phil Compromise

       "Shit," said Julie. "I can't find Amy. She's not in any of the usual places. She left so she could eat the Spam all by herself, I bet, the selfish bitch."

       "You scared me, Julie," said Bruce. "You really did. I think I'm gonna spew my guavas!" He had eaten too much.

       Julie sat down angrily on the ground.

       "What's that?" asked Bruce, pointing to the horizon.

       Julie stared.

       "Oh my God! It's Phil's tie! A sign from the Lord! Oh my God!"

       "Full tie erection," said Phil. "I am here to tell you that Pimpy is a homo and always will be."10

       Julie became angry and began jumping up and down and hollering at nothing.

       "Hey, stupid, what are you yelling at?"

       Julie spun around.

       "Amy! Where the fuck were you?"

       "Getting Gene and Dean. Where else?"

       "Oh, yeah, I didn't check New Jersey.11 This is my friend Bruce. He says you took his Spam."

       "Hmm?" Amy looked confused and Julie knew it must be Amy's evil twin, Lay-me.

       "Well, we'll sort this mess out later. Phil has just called Pimpy a homo!"

       "Oh my God!" yelled Amy.

       "Yes?" bellowed Phil.

       Julie and Amy exchanged glances and nodded. They disappeared and reappeared by Pimpy, in Bruce's condo. He squeaked in surprise. Each grabbed one of his arms and they transported him to The Tie Apparition.

       "Fuck you," yelled Pimpy. "I am not a homo! I am sexless. See?" With that he ripped off his bikini briefs. His crotch was smooth, with no hint of genitalia. "I am not a man. But I am not a woman!"

       "You still look like a homo, though," replied Phil.

       "That's Julie's fault," said Pimpy, shrugging. With that the tie rolled up and disappeared.

       "Hey, Pimpy," said Amy. "If you have no penis, how come the lump in your trousers is always so big?"

       "Stuffing," he replied, embarrassed.

Chapter 5: Breakage of 8-balls

       "What're we gonna do?" asked Gene.

       "I don't know," answered Dean, even though it wasn't much of an answer.

       "I'm so tired of her. She's so spoiled!" complained Amy.

       They were discussing Lay-me's theft of Bruce the Duck's can of Spam.

       Julie floated above the highest guava tree, on the lookout for Lay-me. Soon, Amy followed her. Bruce gazed wistfully up at them, wishing his wings had never been clipped.

       It didn't help Bruce's mood when a flying 8-ball crashed down onto his head from the guava tree. The Doctor hollered in frustration. He had been trying to break the 8-ball all fuckin' day.

       Pimpy watched Julie and Amy, who were frolicking in the sky. They had grown bored of looking for Lay-me.

       Gene and Dean became intoxicated on helium.12 In their drug-induced stupor, they had an idea.

       "Let's ask Alex the Prophet!" said Gene.

       "Great idea, Gene!" said Dean.

       Gene and Dean began the long trek.

       Meanwhile, the Doctor was becoming rather pissed off. He hit the 8-ball against his head, against the guava tree, against the sky. Nothing worked.

       "Helloooo!" bellowed Monty. He threw the 8-ball at Bruce the duck again. Bruce began to cry. Pimpy got mad at Monty.

       Pimpy motioned to Amy and Julie. They floated down to Pimpy like two angels and gently picked him up by the ears. They carried him to the top of the guava tree, where Monty sat with his arms crossed.

       "Hellooooo!" yelled Monty.

       "You're being mean," accused Pimpy. He looked down. His sunglasses fell off and he watched them fall to the ground fifteen feet below. His stomach grew queasy. He started to sweat.

       Pimpy broke the 8-ball with a mighty karate chop. Purple fluid spilled out over his paws. It stunk a lot, it was smelly. Pimpy sneezed and gave The Doctor his ball. The Doctor drank some of the fluid.

       "Yummy," he said.

Do you actually want to read more of this? Then go on to the next five chapters, and God help you.

If you were amused by this and want to see more old bad writing, be sure and check out the "ancient history" section of my writing page.

If you're curious about my current skills in the long fiction department, check out the novels in my "current projects" section.

If you want to send me a comment about "Bruce the Duck," go to the interactive comment form.



1: "Bruce the Duck" is an original character, but his name comes from the "Weird Al" Yankovic song "I Want a New Duck." The line says "Think I wanna name him Bruce." [BACK]

2: The "guava tree" is a Ween reference. Ween has a song called "Licking the Palm for Guava." [BACK]

3: "Monty" is a reference to the Monty Python Gumby character from Monty Python's Flying Circus. He dresses as portrayed in this document (with the handkerchief on his head) and he hollers a lot. The references to "Doctor" and "I'm going to operate" and all that are just lines from one of the Gumby skits. However, the mess with the 8-Ball is original. [BACK]

4: This is a pretty well-known one, but Barney is a little kids' show, and we found it particularly annoying. [BACK]

5: Ween is one of my favorite bands. I cast the two founding members as characters in "Bruce." [BACK]

6: "Licking the Palm for Guava" is a horrific song by Ween from their album God Ween Satan: The Oneness. [BACK]

7: "Learning to fly but I ain't got wings/Comin' down is the hardest thing" is a lyric from Tom Petty's song "Learning to Fly." This had no special significance. [BACK]

8: Any references to ties in this story had something to do with my boyfriend at the time, Phil. He liked to wear a tie which he always referred to as a phallic symbol. He'd frequently ask people to "stroke his tie" and sometimes use "tie" as a euphemism for penis. In "Bruce," Phil the Tie-God was the deity of Blondeworld. [BACK]

9: My lab partner in biology class, Cuong, was frequently absent, which forced me to find someone else to work with all the time. Cuong's ability to be absent and still be enrolled in school earned him the title of "Amazing Absent Lab Partner." When he was absent for two weeks in a row, I finally discovered he had actually moved back to China. [BACK]

10: My boyfriend did not like my Stud-Mouse character very much, and was always saying he looked like a homo. When campaign posters of Pimpy running for sophomore president appeared on the hallway walls at our school, Phil wrote "HOMO" on all of the copies he found. We weren't very happy. [BACK]

11: Gene and Dean of Ween were originally from New Hope, Pennsylvania, but one of the addresses I had for themóto which I'd sent money to receive a newsletter or somethingówas in New Jersey. [BACK]

12: Many of Ween's songs were distorted so that Gene's voice sounded like he had been sucking on helium. They also had lots of drug references in their songs. I combined these aspects and had Ween portrayed as helium addicts in "Bruce." [BACK]