Bruce the Duck
Other sections:
| The Characters | The Movie |
Other sections:
| The Characters | The Movie |
Chapter 16: Pimpy's Search
Pimpy had five invitations. The first person he had to find was Billy Corgan. He traveled to the woods and heard singing. He followed the voice, calling, "Billy? Billy?" The singing continued. Finally, he caught sight of a person wearing a white shirt over a black shirt. The black shirt's longer sleeves stuck out past the short sleeves of the white shirt. This was the identifying mark of Billy Corgan, the singer from Smashing Pumpkins.
Pimpy approached Billy and handed the invitation to him. Billy, fluent in Duck, could read it, and accepted gracefully. He joined Pimpy in the search for Saltzy.
They found him sitting on his desk in a pink tutu, sucking on his feet. They invited him also. He agreed.
"Hey, dude," said a voice from a nearby pond. Pimpy looked over and saw a surfing frog. He was waggling his fingers in the surfer-sign. Pimpy realized when the frog pulled out his magic twanger that he was Froggie the Gremlin1.
"Oh! Hello," exclaimed Pimpy. "I have an invitation for you!"
"Oh, dude," said Froggie. Then he joined them, plunking his magic twanger and smacking his lips, thinking of Spam.
They came across Weird Al2, who was visiting Blondeworld from the Weird Island in the South Pacific. Weird Al Yankovic was a die-hard fan of Spam: he dedicated a song to it. He was very pleased to be invited to Bruce's party.
The only person left for Pimpy to find was a sheep. For some strange Ducky reason, Bruce chose to have a sheep at his party.
Pimpy chose a black sheep and stuffed it in a bag. It baa-ed.
"You guys ready to go home?" asked Pimpy.
"Yeah! SPAM!" shrieked Weird Al, Froggie, and Billy. They went.
Chapter 17: Monty's Quest "Helloooo . . . " bellowed Monty, hopping on both feet, his knees bent, hands in fists in front of his body. His empty 8-ball clanked hollowly against the other things in his pockets.
He was not only on a quest to find Stephen King3, Carmen SanDiego, Bran-Muffin Boy4, Mr. Peanut5, Flipper, and That Fuckin' English Girl, he was also looking for more 8-ball liquid.
"Hello . . . . !" he bellowed, hopping. Stephen King, in a cottage, looked out and saw the bellowing man with a sidcup6 on his head, wearing a fake mustache, a white button-down shirt, a blue over-shirt, Army green shorts, striped knee-socks, and electric blue shoes. He took pity on the poor man and stepped outside, the half-finished manuscript for The Wizard Under Glass7 in his hands.
"Helloooo!" said Monty.
"Hellooo," replied Stephen.
Monty pulled the empty 8-ball out of his pocket and shook it, so that if there was liquid inside, it would have fallen out.
"Ah, you're out of 8-ball liquid, I see," said Stephen. Monty nodded.
"Come inside," he offered. Monty followed.
Stephen King gave Monty a whole jug of 8-ball liquid, then he saw the invitations in his hand.
"Oh, this has my name on it," said Stephen. He saw the others after he took his and said he would come.
"What's your name?" asked Stephen.
"Monty!" bellowed Monty.
"Well, Monty, you will never find Carmen SanDiego or That Fuckin' English Girl. They only show up when they want to. Mr. Peanut, along with his brother, are right here in my peanut bowl—here, have some. And as for Jen, also known as Flipper, and Bran-Muffin Boy; they're screwing in the back room."
Monty munched on Mr. Peanut and thought about nothing.
Then they left.
Chapter 18: Julie and Amy's Search for Cool People Julie and Amy had twenty-four invitations collectively—and Julie had two extra, while Amy had one extra. After they had found everyone else, they had to go and collect their respective cool siblings.
Together they flew above the trees, and almost bumped into Rhea, flying back to visit.
"Hey," said Rhea.
"Hi," said Julie.
"Hello," said Amy.
They gave Rhea her invitation, and she was so excited she disappeared. Amy and Julie knew she had gone to the party.
"Who else is on the island whose invitations we have?" asked Amy.
"We have . . . uh . . . we got to get Beavis and Butt-head8 and Cleavis and Nutt-head9. And I think Paul McCartney10 might be, too," replied Julie.
"Doncha think Adam Sandler11 and Mr. Skronski12 are here?" asked Amy.
"Maybe," said Julie.
"Uh . . . uh, huh-huh," said a voice.
It was Butt-head. Beavis was with him. He was fascinated by his shoelaces, which seemed to be tied together.
"Nutt-head, you bitch," scolded Cleavis, who was trying to change her bellybutton ring and not having much success.
"Sorry," she replied, coughing. "I couldn't resist."
"You're cool 'cause you smoke pot," said Butt-head.
"You're cool 'cause you're blonde like me," said Beavis to Cleavis.
"I'm blonde, too," protested Nutt-head. She coughed around her joint. Then she smiled at Butt-head.
"I like blonde chicks," said Butt-head. "You're cool even if you don't have any boobs." Cleavis and Nutt-head promptly decided to dump Steavis and Gutt-head to go out with the moronic brotherly boys. Nutt-head coughed around her weed.
"Look, more blonde chicks," said Butt-Head.
"Yeah, yeah," agreed Beavis.
Amy and Julie gingerly handed them the invitations, carefully trying not to touch them.
Chapter 19: Shut Up, Goddammit! "Shut up, Goddammit!" yelled Julie. Adam Sandler would not quit laughing. He had finally gone mad.
"Oooh, Spam!" shrieked Adam, after seeing his invitation.
"Who are you?" asked Adam.
"I'm Beavis," said Beavis.
"I'm Butt-head," said Butt-head.
"Huh-huh," they said together. Cleavis giggled, and Nutt-head coughed.
"Hello," said a guy, smiling pleasantly.
"Aaah! Get away!" shrieked everyone. The guy was on fire, that was why. Ren and Stimpy13 came along and threw water on the fire guy, whose name was Paul.
"Now, why did you do that?" asked Paul as he wiped the water off his face. Then he burst into flames again.
"Whoa," said Butt-head.
"Yeah, fire, fire," said Beavis.
"That was cool," added Butt-head.
Amy and Julie gave Adam Sandler, Paul McCartney on Fire, Ren, and Stimpy their invitations.
Paul looked at Amy and Julie incredulously.
"But I don't even know you people," he said. "Why am I invited?"
"Because," Amy told the pyrokinetic man, "Bruce the Duck wants you there."
"Oh, Bruce!" said Paul exuberantly, his flames flaring white. "I haven't seen Bruce in a while!" But then his face fell, and his flames went from white to yellow to orange to red, then almost went out.
"What's wrong, Paul?" asked Ren.
"Bruce lives on the coast of Blondeworld," he said sorrowfully.
"So?" said Amy.
"So, I can't walk that far today! I'll miss the party!"
Amy and Julie laughed.
"We can get you there," they said.
"Me too?" asked Stimpy.
"Yes," said Amy.
"Me too?" asked Toto14. Toto was wearing a "Toto for President" button. He was running for Blondeworld president. (Illegally; he wasn't blonde!)
"Yes," said Julie, giving him his invitation. Toto barked.
Chapter 20: Foreign Countries "We've got to go to Iceland," said Julie.
"And we've got to go to Mongolia," said Amy.
"And," they said together, "we've got to pay a visit to Poland."
"Why?" asked Adam, Paul, Ren, Stimpy, Beavis, Butt-head, Cleavis, Nutt-head, and Toto.
"Because that's where they live," explained Amy. "You go to Iceland, I'll go to Mongolia, and I'll meet you in Poland, OK?"
"Cool," agreed Julie. Amy disappeared.
"Oh," said Adam. "So that's how we're getting back to the Blondeworld Coast."
"Yeah," said Julie. Then she disappeared, too. Everyone looked at each other, wondering what they could do.
"Ouch," said Amy in Poland. "You're heavy," she told Cuong as she dropped him on the ground.
"Hey, watch it," replied Cuong. "What just happened? Where are we?"
"In Poland," answered Amy as Julie appeared. Cuong stared at her.
"Hey," said Amy. "Where's Björk15? I thought you were getting her."
"I am. I mean, I did," said Julie, reaching into her pocket. She pulled out a miniturized Björk, shrunken for convenience. Björk looked up, smiling. Then Julie took out her magic wand and restored Björk to her normal size.
"Wow, that was fun," exclaimed Björk in an Icelandic accent.
"Gosh, Julie, you have all the good ideas," said Amy, and Julie beamed. "If I had thought of that, I wouldn't have had to carry dork-boy here. He's ass heavy! But then again, you ran off with our only magic wand. Bitch."
Julie grinned. Then she shrunk Björk and Cuong again, pocketed them, and teleported with Amy to a house, to pick up the Cat-in-the-Hat Sub: Mr. Skronski. They shrunk him, pocketed him, and teleported to Blondeworld. The whole thing had taken less than two minutes. Then they belatedly gave them their invitations.
Do you actually want to read more of this? Then go on to the next five chapters.
If you're curious about my current skills in the long fiction department, check out the novels in my "current projects" section.
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FOOTNOTES:
MAIN PAGE
WRITING PAGE
LONG FICTION PAGE
BRUCE THE DUCK PAGE
1: Our teacher Saltzy was the person who mentioned "Froggie the Gremlin" to us. We never researched what exactly he was supposed to be before I stuck him in this story cast as a surfing frog with a "magic twanger," but it turns out Froggie is actually from Smilin' Ed's Gang, a show that was on in the early 1950s. (Explains why The Saltz knew about it.) [BACK] 2: This of course refers to talented singer/funnyman "Weird Al" Yankovic. [BACK] 3: Stephen King, meaning the famous horror writer. [BACK] 4: Bran-Muffin Boy was probably a name for a classmate that Amy knew, but I actually didn't get the reference. I just stuck it in "Bruce" because I had heard her say it, but when it came down to it, Bran-Muffin Boy turned out to be a dude shaped like a bran muffin in my story. [BACK] 5: Mr. Peanut refers to the actual peanut character on the Planters can. I don't know why he's in the story, actually. It seemed like a good idea at the time. [BACK] 6: "Sidcup" refers to the knotted handkerchief on Monty's head. A knotted handkerchief worn on the head was dubbed a "sidcup" by Douglas Adams in his book The Deeper Meaning of Liff, which was a book in which place names in an atlas—places no one ever bothers to go, according to Adams—are appropriated to be USEFUL describing things and experiences we don't have words for. "Sidcup" was one of my favorites. [BACK] 7: The Wizard Under Glass was what I thought the working title was for the fourth Dark Tower book. I guess it actually turned out to be Wizard and Glass, but the point is that the book was not yet finished when I was writing this. [BACK] 8: Most people will already know who Beavis and Butt-head are. But their cartoon show was on MTV and very popular at the time. They're dumb guys who make fun of music videos. [BACK] 9: Cleavis and Nutt-head were female versions of Beavis and Butt-head that my sister and I made up for no real good reason. They were supposed to be dating guys named Steavis and Gutt-head. [BACK] 10: Paul McCartney, as in the Beatles band member, but for some reason in this story Paul is always engulfed in flames and doesn't seem to mind. [BACK] 11: Adam Sandler, the entertainer. We liked some of his dumb songs and skits on one of his albums. [BACK] 12: Mr. Skronski was a substitute teacher in our school. That wasn't his official name, but he was Polish and told us that Poles typically had really, really long names. He wrote his for us once and it stretched across the entire blackboard. He let us call him "Mr. Skronski" for short. We thought he looked like the Cat in the Hat, so in this story he gets to wear a stripy hat. [BACK] 13: Ren and Stimpy, like from the John K cartoon. A moody chihuahua and a dumbass cat. [BACK] 14: This was Toto like from The Wizard of Oz, but for some reason he could talk and was running for President of Blondeworld. I don't remember why. [BACK] 15: Björk was (is!) a favorite singer/songwriter of mine. Her full name is Björk Guðmundsdóttir and she is from Iceland, and now she is pretty well-known for having a unique voice and an extreme nuttiness when it comes to fashion. [BACK]