Bruce the Duck
Other sections:
| The Characters | The Movie |
Other sections:
| The Characters | The Movie |
Chapter 41: Woogies 2
Billy Corgan's creative side was also enhanced by the woogies experience. He wrote many new songs before he cured himself, and many after, though he never managed to force the tree to give him jellybeans.
Beavis, in a spasm of creativity, intelligence, insight, and ingenuity, managed to successfully unhook The Lumberjack's bra.
"Whoa look at that that's cool," he exclaimed.
Butt-head proceeded to find out if fucktabs1 were actually fuckable and amputated his weiner.
The Lumberjack retrieved his bra, and then he said "Nudge, nudge"2 to no one in particular.
Bran-Muffin Boy, who still thought he was made of glass, was eaten and then thrown up by Stephen King. Stephen then thought of a really good ending for The Wizard Under Glass, but then he discarded it because kinky sex acts involving crunchy peanut butter were not appropriate in a quest novel. Stephen then ate Froggie the gremlin.
Weird Al befriended Prince Mary, commonly known as the fattest mermaid in the world. He saw Heather drilling herself down into a hole, trying to fly in reverse. He jumped into the sea and played a game of "Squish Barney." He also saw Amy swim by, sucking on coral.
Amy jumped up out of the water and stood on it, almost falling over with each wave. Then she disappeared.
Monty made friends with the Warner brothers (and the Warner sister)3.
"Nurse!" bellowed Monty.
"Where?" asked Wakko and Yakko.
"Boys," said Dot. "Go fig."
"We forgot the anesthetic!" yelled Monty.
By the way, the strange puppy-like children who had mysteriously found their way to Blondeworld were also the name-sakes of Aaron the Giraffe (who was sometimes Wakko,) Yakko the Walrus (who was sometimes Bryan) and Toadstool (who was sometimes Meghan and sometimes Dot.) I apologize for putting characters in my book that are not my creation.
Chapter 42: What the Hell Do I Call This Chapter? The sheep still sat on its ass, wondering what was going on. Then it walked away.
Gene, on a quest to find naked pictures of Bea Arthur like on that Airheads movie, disappeared without a trace.
Dean, on the other hand, was becoming somewhat suicidal. His sudden craving was to jump off of Big Ben in England. So he jumped into the sea and began swimming.
Pimpy had an ingenious idea of what he could stuff his briefs with.
Patricia wished to journey home and convince her mother to start smoking pencil shavings instead of pot. So she climbed into the sky and thereby mastered the art of flying. The problem was, she never noticed because she was so intent on getting home.
Bruce had an unquenchable desire to know what Pimpy had in his briefs.
"Hey, Pimpy, whatcha got in there?" he asked.
"Oh, I keep my weed in there," he replied. Then he grinned and went off to collect moon rocks.
Meghan, now dressed in a frilly lace dress, high-heeled white shoes, and a big floppy white hat, disappeared, presumably on her way to find a rainbow-colored carrot.
Julie disappeared, too. No one knew it but her, but she was searching for the best places in the world to go "boingey-boingey4."
Steve, in his enlightened state, suddenly discovered what a bale was!
"That's IT!" he told his mushroom.
A bale, he discovered, was one of two things. It was either the small plastic prehistoric toy that he hadn't been able to discover exactly what it was, or else it was, of course, ***5 Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to spill that paint there. Hope it wasn't important.
Björk, Weird Al, Brian, Adam Sandler, Alex the Prophet, Billy Corgan, and Froggie (in Stephen's stomach) had cured themselves of Woogies 2. Beavis, Butt-Head, The Lumberjack, and Bran-Muffin Boy all turned into rubber chickens. Everyone else was nowhere to be found.
Chapter 43: Woogies 3 Stephen, Kurt, Freddie, and Jim came out of the forest together. They sat dumfounded as Woogies 3 took its toll on them. Then they all changed into rubber heads.
Froggie the gremlin hopped out of the head that had been Stephen, right before they were all stolen by unknown varmints.
Amy, Julie, Meghan, Steve, the Sheep, Monty, Bruce, Patricia, Pimpy, Heather, Gene, and Dean were all missing.
"Whatever will we do with no lead characters?" Asked That Fuckin' English Girl.
Shut up, said the author. Keep your ass out of my story.
"No," she says back to me. "I'm back."
If you'll leave now, I'll give you a name!
"Please, please!" she squealed.
Okay. Next time you show your ass in my story, I'll give you a name.
"Okay!" promised that Fuckin' English Girl. "Now that we have no lead characters, whatever shall we do?" She asked and disappeared.
"I'll take over," replied Yakko the Walrus. "I have the most experience."
"You're right," said Björk. "You did rule Anvilania6 once."
"Okay," said Yakko, now taking over Bruce's place as protagonist. "We must find everybody!"
Stephen, Freddie, Kurt, and Jim came out of the woods.
"Hey!" said Noble. "I thought you were dead, you guys!"
"We are," said Kurt, Freddie, and Jim.
"Me, too," said Stephen, "but I'm a horror story writer, so I can come back if I want!"
"Oh," said everybody else.
"My sisters aren't here!" cried Lindsay. "How can I get home? Nobody here can get to the real world!"
"Relax," said Aaron. "We'll get Meghan to take you home."
Paul tapped him on the neck.
"She's not here either," he told him.
"She's not?!?" screamed Lindsay.
"Who else is missing?" asked Yakko.
"Amy, Julie, Meghan, Steve, the Sheep, Monty, Pimpy, Heather, Patricia, Gene, Dean, and . . . Bruce!" answered Aaron with horror.
Chapter 44: Search Parties "Who will look for Julie?" asked Yakko.
"I WILL!" were the words thundering from the sky. All who were present looked to the air and saw The Divine Tie Apparition streaming down from the clouds.
Everyone dropped to their knees and averted their eyes, except for Paul, who was exploring the treasures of his armpit.
"Get up, you snivelling buttflakes!" yelled Phil. "Off your knees, you festering bowls of dogsnot!" They obeyed. It was common knowledge that one was to obey Phil's commands if he made a quote from UHF7.
"Okay," said Yakko. "Who'll look for Amy?"
"I will," replied Weird Al, doing a jig.
"Who for Monty?" Yakko inquired.
"I," said Noble. He jumped on his hubcap and surfed off into the sea.
"And Steve?" asked Yakko.
"Me," said Billy.
Suddenly, there was a flash of light and three figures appeared out of nowhere.
"I'm here!!!" sang one of them.
"Who are you?" asked the curious Paul.
The three figures who had just appeared looked at each other.
"Who are YOU?" asked the one who resembled a vibrator.
"Who are you people?" asked the one who looked like a horse.
"I don't know you guys," said the one with wings.
"Well, anyway, I'm Jen," said the horse.
"Wait, that's MY name," said the vibrator.
"I'm Mia keeper of the world-renowned vestigial wings," said Mia, keeper of the World-renowned vestigial wings.
The figures who had appeared were a rainbow-colored vibrator, a horse with silver hair, and a winged girly. Froggie offered to go with Kurt, Freddie, and Jim to find Patricia. Adam Sandler took the vibrator and Björk to look for Heather. Pimpy was to be found by Alex. The elusive Sheep was to be found by Jen the Horse. Gene was to be found by Herminio, and Dean was to be found by Mia of the world renowned vestigial wings. Meghan would be searched for by Aaron the Giraffe, and Bruce would be looked for by. . . .
"Here it is! See!"
What now?
"My ass! I'm showing it! In your story! See it? Now give me a name!"
Whaddaya mean by THAT?
"You said 'next time you show your Ass in my story, I'll give you a name! NOW!"
The English girl, Felicity, will look for Bruce.
Chapter 45: CandyLand Palace "What are YOU doing here?" asked Aaron.
"Looking for Julie," said Phil the Tie.
"But Julie won't be in Sri Lanka!"
"Yes she is. I am the God, don't doubt me."
"Okay, okay, sorry. But this is where Meghan will be."
"So?" Phil refused to admit that they were both right. Meghan and Julie were both in the CandyLand Palace of Sri Lanka, oblivious of each other and deep in the throes of woogies.
Phil took on the form of a tall, skinny high school boy with glasses and peach-fuzz for hair, in order to remain inconspicuous. His Tie was quite obnoxious to the eyes, but this part of Himself he could not disguise. He also wore a small Tie on a chain around His neck. It had a black panther pin in it. This Tie was forever hidden under the illusion of His shirt.
Thus disguised, Aaron and Phil entered CandyLand Palace.
As they entered, they heard orgasmic screaming from the room on their right, which appeared to be the kitchen. They looked at each other and ran to the apparant source of the sound.
Once inside, they viewed disaster.
The kitchen was covered in vegetables, cookie dough, ketchup, and semi-conscious cooking staff. In the center of the room sat Meghan, screaming for all she was worth.
Phil and Aaron ran over and hugged Meghan. She contined to shriek uncontrollably.
"What's that?" asked Aaron, pointing to something that Meghan was clutching in her left hand as if it were about to escape.
She looked at the object and immediately began to howl like a coyote gone apeshit.
To Aaron and Phil, Meghan's mysterious object looked like a vegetable decorated with all the colors of the spectrum, and they couldn't understand its significance, but they quickly helped her up. They found Julie. She was jumping up and down on the biggest bed ever invented. At least thirty laundry maids and domestic servants watched, bewildered, as Julie shrieked her happiness and yelled "Boingey, boingey, boingey!" over + over again. The bed had at least thirty mattresses.
Julie and Meghan, fulfilled after finding their individual happinesses, yelled, in stereo, "SHIT! I GOT WOOGIES, MANG!" thereby curing themselves. They joined Phil and Aaron and left.
For years afterwards, legends of the horrible, maniacal children who invaded CandyLand Palace circulated the kingdom on Sri Lanka. The legends always speak of them as half devil and half puppy, which they weren't. Go fig.
Okay, why are you still here? You want to read more of this crap? Something's obviously wrong with you. Well, here's your link to the last chapters written: 46 through 51, and half of 52.
If you're curious about my current skills in the long fiction department, check out the novels in my "current projects" section.
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FOOTNOTES:
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1: Some people at our school referred to aluminum can tabs as "fucktabs." You could give them to your significant other as a coupon for sex or something. [BACK] 2: "Nudge, nudge" was part of a Python skit from Monty Python's Flying Circus, and in it, the protagonist keeps thinking his conversation partner is insinuating dirty things every time he speaks, and he pretends to "get it" by nudging him and saying "Nudge, nudge, know what I mean, know what I mean, say no more, say no more." [BACK] 3: That'd be Yakko, Wakko, and Dot from Animaniacs. They are said to have "common interests" because Monty yells "Nurse!" because he's actually looking for a nurse in one of the Python skits (to help operate on him because his brain hurts), while Yakko and Wakko call people they think are sexy "Nurse" after Hello Nurse, a sexy nurse character on the show. [BACK] 4: This is another Animaniacs reference. The Warner siblings seem to really like to jump on things and scream "boingey-boingey-boingey!" [BACK] 5: There was actually paint on the manuscript. [BACK] 6: Anvilania was a fictional kingdom that Yakko from Animaniacs inherited kingship of unexpectedly in a very funny episode. Since the "real" Yakko is also in the story, I don't know why this position was taken by Yakko the Walrus, but that's the way this dumb book goes. [BACK] 7: UHF was a movie starring Weird Al, and the aforementioned quote was indeed from the movie. [BACK]