Bruce the Duck
Other sections:
| The Characters | The Movie |
Other sections:
| The Characters | The Movie |
Chapter 31: Séance
Julie let Women's Chorus out of her purse gently, then waved her wand over them to restore them to normal size.
Everyone in the church stared at them. So Amy quickly turned time back to night.
Julie began to light the candles.
"Hey, where'd you get candles?" questioned Amy.
"You know," she replied. Amy realized that Julie must have called up the candles and the lighter magically, as she often wished she could do as well. Sometimes she broke what she was trying to transport, other times it was just lost somewhere. Amy didn't know how Julie did it, but she didn't mind, because she could do time.
"Who exactly are we trying to contact?" asked Stacy, looking kind of scared.
"You'll see," replied Amy. "Now everybody hold hands!"
"Uh . . . what exactly do we do now?" asked Ammy.
"Just wait. We'll do the contacting."
Julie and Amy concentrated very hard in that special way that always seemed to make them levitate. It was a sort of side-effect of intense meditation. As Amy and Julie rose in the air, Ammy and Brooke were careful not to let go and break the circle.
A voice was heard.
"Wha . . . . ooo . . . ooo . . . ahhh!"
"Woo!" shouted everyone.
"What did he say?" Amy whispered.
"Who knows," Julie replied. "Hey, speak up, Freddie!"
"What do you want?" thundered Freddie Mercury1.
"Well," said Amy, stupidly choosing that moment to open her eyes and almost fall off of her perch in the air. "Um . . . " she continued. "You know Bruce? He wants you at his Spam party."
"Oh, Spam! And I'm sure he invited . . . um . . . well, you know who. No Spam party's the same without him!"
"Well, of course he's invited!" insisted Julie. "Come on!"
Freddie Mercury appeared.
"Hi, guys," he said, smiling and waving shyly at all of them. He brought out Kurt Cobain2, who seemed very happy.
Chapter 32: Back at the Guava Tree Back at the guava tree, the others were having trouble. The wand Lindsay had constructed was defective and could not cause them to appear in Blondeworld. It was, however, very useful for curing woogies and creating cheap Burger King crowns.
It was also incapable of shrinking people, so Brian could not put them in his pockets. The only person he could lift was Laura, and she was the only one who didn't mind waiting. Steve had to go quite badly, but was unwilling to take his weiner out in the cold. He was afraid he'd piss ice.
So they'd have to wait for Julie and Amy to return—with Freddie and Kurt!
They were still in the church.
"Do you guys want to come to the Spam party in Blondeworld? Jen?"
"Um . . . not really," said Jen, looking scared.
"Brooke?"
"No. Phil's going to be there."
"Okay. Valoree?"
"Sorry," she said, yawning. "I'm too tired."
"Fine. Zsofia?"
"No, I'm sorry but I don't like Spam."
"Yeah. Tara?"
"I hate Spam, too."
"Oh, man! Michelle?"
"I'm not blonde."
"Sure. Corrinn?"
"No one I know is going."
"Stacy?"
"I hate Ween," she said, wrinkling her nose.
"Ammy?"
"Huh?" she said, not looking up from her latest romance novel.
"I guess none of you love us," said Amy. "But thanks for your help!"
"Okay," said everyone.
"You sure you don't want to see Jen squared, Jen?" asked Julie.
"Well, I love her, but . . . she mooches3," she said. "I'm sorry! But it's true."
"That's okay, because you're sort of a greely4," said Amy.
Amy and Julie left abruptly with Kurt and Freddie, who, being ghosts, could disappear at will. They left the chorus puzzling over what a greely was and how they were going to get home.
Chapter 33: Going Home Amy and Julie appeared with Kurt and Freddie.
"Well, where is he?" demanded Patricia.
"Uh . . . who?" asked Julie.
"Jim! Jim Morrison5!"
"Oh, sorry," said Amy. "We forgot. Get him, will you?" she asked Patricia.
"People are strange," sang Patricia softly, "when you're a stranger, faces look ugly when you're alone."6
"That's for sure," said Jim, appearing beside Kurt and Freddie.
"Hi, Jim," said Patricia, somewhat awed by his presence.
They were standing under the guava tree. Besides Julie, Amy, Patricia, and their ghostly friends, Yakko, Aaron, Laura, Richard, Noble, Steve, Herminio, Brian, and Lindsay were there. Julie managed to shrink them all, and then she and Amy put them all in their pockets.
"Well, beam me up, Scotty," said Amy.
"Yeah, here's hopin'," Julie added as they went up through the real world's astral plane.
When they arrived in Blondeworld, they could feel the difference in the air. Blondeworld was so much more friendly than the Real World!
They arrived in Blondeworld Center, where Beavis and Butt-head, Cleavis and Nutt-head, Adam Sandler, Paul on Fire, Ren and Stimpy, Toto for President, Mr. Skronski from Poland, Cuong from Mongolia, and Björk from Iceland were waiting. Amy let Steve out of her pocket so he could take a pee in the warm air and think about bales more clearly.
After Steve pissed, Amy and Julie shrunk them all and took them to the Blondeworld Coast. There, they met Rhea, Toadstool, the Lumberjack, Ronald McDonald, Alex the Prophet, Billy Corgan, Saltzy (in a pink tutu), Froggie the Gremlin, Weird Al, Stephen King, Flipper, and Bran-Muffin Boy, a sheep in a bag, Pimpy, Monty, Gene, Dean, Bruce, and even Phil's grand silken tie, were patiently waiting for them.
Chapter 34: I'm Not Sure What To Call This Chapter, Either There was a stampede. Everyone wanted to embrace Bruce at once. Laura stared raptly at the tie. It slid over to her and she stroked it. Phil, being the Tie of her dreams, had entranced her. She sat down on the Tie and curled up in its silken threads. Then Bruce put on a chef's hat and apron and waddled over to the head of a very long picnic table.
"Everyone please take a seat," Bruce requested. Julie, Amy, Monty, Pimpy, Gene, and Dean got to sit up at the front, since they helped to gather everyone. Rhea sat by Julie and Amy, Laura sat on Phil's tie, Toadstool sat by Adam Sandler, Cleavis and Nutt-head sat on Beavis and Butt-head, and everyone was afraid to sit by Paul, since he was constantly on fire.
"I want to leave," said Cuong.
"Why?" asked Bruce.
"Because I don't like Spam and I can't stand him," he said, pointing at Freddie.
"Just 'cause I'm the champion7," said Freddie under his breath.
"Asshole," said Monty. Julie and Amy sent Cuong back to the Real World, though they weren't sure if he landed in Mongolia or if he ended up in Heathrow.
Bruce walked around the table, carefully giving each person a tiny slice of Spam. Everyone marveled at its beauteous fragrance and sparkling pinkness. Except Laura, who really didn't like Spam. Next, Bruce sent a box of toothpicks around. They were silver and decorated. When Bruce sat down again, everyone joined in a prayer. They all bowed their heads.
"Dear Lord, we'd like to thank You for the gift of this Wandering Spam Can that You have bestowed upon us. We give our humble thanks and hope You find us worthy to accept them. All we hope to achieve in life is to please You, so we will continue to eat Your divine Spam. Thank You so very much. We are forever indebted."
"Don't mention it," said Phil. Bruce grinned, and then everyone lifted their toothpicks.
The Lost Chapter: SPAM
(Note: This was the original first version of this chapter, but it got lost somewhere and I wrote another one to replace it. But then I found this one, so I decided to put them both in and call this one "The Lost Chapter: SPAM.")
Forty-two8 toothpicks, carrying Forty-two Spam morsels, found their way to Forty-two mouths. (Phil didn't have a mouth, and Carmen SanDiego and that Fuckin' English Girl had finally showed up.) Forty-two slices of Spam slid off of Forty-two silver toothpicks and landed on Forty-two eager tongues with Forty-two wet ploppy sounds. By an amazing coincidence, Forty-two is actually the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything. It is the question that remains to be found. (For more information, go to your local library and check out a copy of Life, the Universe, and Everything by Douglas Adams, which is the third book in the five-volume Hitchhiker's Trilogy. For the complete story, check out the book or write to, ***9, the U.S.A., North America, the Earth, (third planet from Sol) the Sol sun system, the Milky Way Galaxy, Universe 42. If you need directions, don't ask me because I don't know how to get to Publix from my house, so just get away, you dreary chap, and bug off. All I know is that you go 8 quarks left of the hexagonal interdimentional pyramid (height 5, base 12: what is the hypotenuse of one side, and what is the area of the pyramid?) and then you go up till you hit the Orion Nebula, go straight down his sword, turn right at Betelgeuse, then you've got to go through 4-space traffic, which sucks, so try going kata instead of ana next time10, you stupid git. Then you go back to 3 space, turn right at Capella, and take 3bc²vf·uc²k to my house. Well, I guess I do know where I live. (Just be careful of our atmosphere, it's a bugger!)
Anyhow. The Spam, having come across the ocean but having been created in Stavromula Beta11, had a strange disease in its contents, which all the eaters of the Spam contracted as it touched Forty-Two tongues. Then everyone discovered that having woogies wasn't really that bad.
Chapter 35: Woogies Erupts in Blondeworld (the final version of this chapter) Forty-two sets of fingers holding forty-two toothpicks made of silver moved slowly towards forty-two mouths. Forty-two mouths opened, and forty-two sets of salivary glands began to water. Forty-two tongues waited expectantly for forty-two different interpretations of the wonderous Spam taste. Three birds flew overhead. Forty-two succulent slices of Spam slowly slid sideways and slapped forty-two tongues and supplied several smart smacking sounds. (That was a tongue twister. That's why it sounds so lame.)
Forty-two mouths closed over the Spam. Forty-two sets of eyes closed while forty-two separate entities savored the taste and the texture of the Pig Product.
"Mmmmmmmmm," said forty-two voices. (By the way, the three birds don't count for anything. I only put them in because I was tired of writing forty-two, goddammit, and I felt like writing a different number).
Exactly forty-two seconds passed.
Why forty-two? Well, because that's how many people ate Spam at the party. But forty-two is actually, believe it or not, the answer to life, the universe, and everything. it's just that we don't know the question. This is a whole other story. But let me inform you of several extremely strange coincidences:
Number one: I knew a guy once whose mother, who was born on April 2, 1942 (4/2/42!), Had a birthday. This in itself is not extraordinary: What's extraordinary is: On her 42nd birthday, guess how many cans of Spam were purchased at Food Lion? 34!!!!!!! Oh yeah. Well, if you reverse the digits and subtract one, it's 42!!!!!!
Number two: My friend has barfed exactly 42 times—3 times red, once green, 16 barf-colored, 20 yellow, and once sorta gray. (Does that add up to 42?)
Number three: I once got a 42% on an Algebra test.
Anyway, everyone at the party got woogies.
Do you actually want to read more of this? Then go on to the next five chapters.
If you're curious about my current skills in the long fiction department, check out the novels in my "current projects" section.
If you want to send me a comment about "Bruce the Duck," go to the interactive comment form.
FOOTNOTES:
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WRITING PAGE
LONG FICTION PAGE
BRUCE THE DUCK PAGE
1: Freddie Mercury is a deceased member of the band Queen. [BACK] 2: Kurt Cobain was the lead singer of the band Nirvana. He committed suicide, which is why it's a nice touch that he seems pretty happy in this book. [BACK] 3: The Jen she was talking about here was rather guilty of mooching. She would frequently ask people she knew if they had any gum, candy, or money, and then ask for said treats without intent to pay back. It was kind of odd. [BACK] 4: "Greely" is another word from Douglas Adams's The Deeper Meaning of Liff. A greely is defined as "someone who continually annoys you by continually apologizing for annoying you." Jen apologized all the time. [BACK] 5: Jim Morrison, the singer from the band The Doors, was one of my sister's favorite musicians. I suppose Julie and Amy were supposed to go get him in the story but forgot to do so whilst having a séance. [BACK] 6: These are famous lyrics from the Doors song "People Are Strange." [BACK] 7: "We Are the Champions" is a famous Queen song, so that's what Freddie is talking about when he makes the sarcastic comment about being the champion. [BACK] 8: Most geeky people know about The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and the references to life, the universe, and everything in it. In this book, the answer to life, the universe, and everything turns out to be forty-two. Convenient that I made the number of guests 42. [BACK] 9: My real name and address was inserted here, but I'm not going to reveal it on the Internet even though I no longer live there. Imagine that those stars go up to the zip code. This is, however, the way Mia originally tracked me down when she stalked me because of this story. [BACK] 10: I got the references to 4-dimensional space and "ana" and "kata" as directions from William Sleator's novel The Boy Who Reversed Himself. [BACK] 11: Stavromula Beta is another Hitchhiker's Guide reference; it's a place in the novels. [BACK]