Categories: Asexual Bingo * Authoritative Condescension * Elitism * Unwanted Advances
[Then when we were parting in the morning, he wanted a kiss. I said no, understandably perplexed since he'd seemed to understand what being an aromantic asexual was about for me (though I didn't use that term because at the time there was no community; this occurred in the late 1990s). He wheedled for a while saying the night "wasn't complete" without a kiss, and against my better judgment I told him he could have a kiss on my cheek if that would help. His response was to lick my face, like a dog. And then he did not seem to understand why I did not want to hang out with him after that.]
[Why I did not block him completely after that I will never know (guess I was more forgiving then), but I was fairly friendly to him in the IMs most of the time. Until he said some VERY wrong things and I had to cut him off for good. Excerpt begins, with explanations inserted in brackets where necessary. I changed the names/screennames to protect the, er, innocent?]
[He opened by randomly telling me he "loved me," and then started trying to pressure me into having a picnic with him. It was something I'd said I liked to do during our first conversation; I used to take my friends onto the roof of the college and have roof picnics. He really wanted to do this.]
SwankiVY2: So why do you want to have a picnic with me anyway?
SwankiVY2: Since I'm not really your type of girl.
Ken: why would I not
Ken: Ivy??? Let me talk to Ivy please.
SwankiVY2: Didn't think you should still have an interest in me, since I seem to always disappoint you.
Ken: because you won't have sex with me?
SwankiVY2: Well, that's true, but that's not why.
SwankiVY2: Just seems like you want some other kinda girl, and since I'm not like that, you still try to fit me in that mold, I dunno. You sure you actually want to spend time with *me*?
[snip for length, more pressuring]
Ken: I am a very sensitive guy and I love hanging out with you. I just wish you were more affectionate.
SwankiVY2: Affectionate? In what way?
SwankiVY2: Just, more responsive?
Ken: I didn't mean to be a jerk or anything.
SwankiVY2: Well, nobody means to be a jerk.
[snip for, yes, even more attempts to get a date on the calendar, which I ducked]
Ken: I just want to be friends
SwankiVY2: Well, thank goodness for that!
Ken: why do you say it like that?
SwankiVY2: I'd be pretty offended if you still wanted to be MORE than that after considering my feelings on the subject. It would mean you were pushing for something against my wishes.
SwankiVY2: So, thank goodness you don't want anything else, or I probably wouldn't want to talk to you anymore.
Ken: If I were you, I would be flattered, not offended. I was afraid to tell you that because I thought you might get offended.
SwankiVY2: If you were me, you'd be flattered to hear what?
Ken: I'd be flattered if you told me that you still liked me even after you knew how I felt about the subject.
SwankiVY2: Yeah, the operative word there is "like." I find friendship a little bit different than people, ya know, lusting after me.
SwankiVY2: If you knew my views yet you kept coming after me, I'd be mighty pissed off.
SwankiVY2: If you just didn't want anything else besides sex and then you found out I wasn't good for that, and then left me alone, I'd just say "oh well," it's happened before and I don't care.
Ken: sex isn't the only thing you don't give though
SwankiVY2: Well, sex and those things relating. Considering you obviously wanted to kiss me and some other things, I had to assume you were attracted to me, and consequently you are a person I have to be careful with.
Ken: sometimes its good to have someone to hold and kiss.
SwankiVY2: Ya, but I ain't yer someone, and I figured you must realize that.
Ken: you are not that someone but I am. For you not for me.
SwankiVY2: Well, you obviously want someone to do that stuff with, and that's fine, but if you want to keep friendly contact with me, it's going to have to be exactly that: friendly.
SwankiVY2: If I hang out with you, it's hanging out, not like a "date" or anything, ya know? And I have a feeling sometimes that's how you view our get-togethers.
Ken: stop being so defensive,
SwankiVY2: Hey, I'm not being defensive, I'm being straight-up with you, like I always am and always have been.
SwankiVY2: I don't play games, I told you that from day one.
Ken: I can't change who you are and you can't change who I am.
SwankiVY2: Yeah, exactly.
SwankiVY2: So is there something about you that I can't accept the way you are?
Ken: my affectionism
SwankiVY2: If your "affectionism" is going to include hand-holding, snuggling, and kissing, I'm not dealing with it.
Ken: forget the handholding and the kissing, just snuggling.
SwankiVY2: Uh-uh, I don't think so.
Ken: who said I was asking for permission?
SwankiVY2: If you're planning on doing something with me, you'd better be asking permission before you start snuggling with me. I'm not doing it, I won't tolerate it...
SwankiVY2: and if *you* can't tolerate me *not* snuggling, I'm not going to be able to hang out with you. That's all there is to it.
Ken: my god you get so defensive.
SwankiVY2: ::raises eyebrows:: I'm really not being defensive. I'm telling you the truth.
Ken: big kiss [[muaw]]
Ken: what does that mean?
SwankiVY2: Nothing but an online nod.
Ken: you make sex to be such a big deal.
SwankiVY2: Oho! Now when did we start talking about sex? And since when is it NOT a big deal?
Ken: you know what I feel like watching some pornos.
SwankiVY2: Your deal. Go for it.
Ken: would you enjoy that??> Maybe we can wATCH THEM TOGETHER SOMETIME
SwankiVY2: You don't know when to quit, do you? You think I enjoy this kind of bullshit?
SwankiVY2: You think that makes me want to go on a picnic with you, when you act like a dick?
Ken: I am not acting like a dick.
SwankiVY2: You just made a crack about me watching porno with you. I don't think it's very funny.
Ken: okay sorry I am a very moody person.
SwankiVY2: I know that. I've noticed. You gotta quit blowing up at me when I don't react how you expect or how you want.
Ken: if you want me to take that advice you take it too
SwankiVY2: Well, I'm not blowing up. I've told you the truth, and maybe you think it's defensive or something (you keep saying that), but I'm just telling you straight up what I believe and think.
SwankiVY2: You obviously didn't mean it when you asked if I wanted to watch porno with you. There was no reason for that. There's reasons for the stuff I'm saying.
Ken: you don't think I would enjoy watching pornos with you? I get bored watching them alone.
SwankiVY2: That would have to be your problem. I think you pretty much knew I wouldn't want to, and that I wouldn't find that comment funny.
Ken: please accept my apology for th 100000time
SwankiVY2: I'm not after apologies; if you have to do it 100000 times you're not learning what you're doing wrong. I don't want you to be sorry, I just want you to quit making those comments, ya know?
[He stopped talking at that point and signed off. He tried to talk to me shortly after that and I told him I was not in the mood to talk. Then another day, he came back with this:]
Ken: Ivy whats up? Are you still pissed at me?
SwankiVY2: Well, we did end on a sour note last time, didn't we?
Ken: Not me, I was having a good day but you were pissed for some reason.
SwankiVY2: No, the time before that.
SwankiVY2: Not the time i said I wasn't in the mood to talk.
SwankiVY2: I wasn't in the mood to talk because the time we'd talked before that involved talking about watching porno with you, and there was never any resolution...
SwankiVY2: So, it never resolved.
Ken: Honestly I don't remember, but did you not want to watch porno with me???
SwankiVY2: Hell friggin no, and you should know that, hon.
Ken: Why are you still up this late?
SwankiVY2: Um, too much limeade...
Ken: I miss staying up all night with you.
[Note: Uh, he stayed up "all night with me" ONCE, playing video games in my room.]
Ken: The first night I thought we were gonna get it on, but I was to shy.
SwankiVY2: Excuse me? Get it on? After I talked to you for over an hour about how I *don't* like that stuff?
Ken: That is what I thought, you know how guys are like. Besides you looked so good.
SwankiVY2: I suppose that is supposed to be a compliment but do you realize the first night we met was my foundation of all our further encounters?
SwankiVY2: And that you're telling me now that you basically weren't listening to or weren't believing anything I was saying?
Ken: How exactly do you infer that from my simple statement. I did listen and understand everything you said. You seem to think that my intelligence is some type of mirage. Hormones do not limit one's intellect.
SwankiVY2: Of course they don't, or they shouldn't. But are you telling me you *still* thought we would "get it on" after what I said?
SwankiVY2: I mean, that leads me to believe you're gonna discount anything *else* I say...and continue doing and saying things I don't like.
Ken: I can't help it if I say stuff that you don't like, but just the way you expect me to respect your view on the subject of Sex you should respect mine. The bottom line is I wanted to have sex with you.
SwankiVY2: Yeah, understood, and accepted, but what is *not* acceptable is you saying you still thought you were going to get it that night after all I said...
Ken: You don't seem to understand my point of view. I find intelligent women very sexually attractive and its not really that I thought we were going to do it, but that I wanted to do "it"
SwankiVY2: Wanting is different than expectation, which is what your first sentence insinuated; you said "I thought we were gonna get it on." So, to clarify, you mean you *wished* we would, but didn't actually think we were?
Ken: I took two years of psychology in high school and although that doesn't give me any right whatsoever to judge you, I thought that what you needed was someone whom you yourself was attracted to and was intellectuallt aroused by. I know I was the closest you have ever been to someone with that character.
SwankiVY2: You are kidding me!
SwankiVY2: You...think I was attracted to you?
Ken: The most popular defense mechanism is denial, please don't insult me by playing childish games...and don't get pissed at me either because I have a great deal of respect for you.
SwankiVY2: Well, one also denies something if it's, um, not true. I don't think I'm being "childish" by telling you that I don't, and never did, have any attraction towards you.
Ken: Sexual attraction is not something that is said verbally, its a vibe...something that you communicate to me unconciously...but if you can honestly tell me that you were never attracted to me, I will believe you.
SwankiVY2: Guess you really weren't listening. I dunno, do I have to, like, slap you with a hammer for you to understand that my sex drive is totally absent?
Ken: Ivy, are you a human being? Are you a mammal? Sex is an instinct not a choice.
SwankiVY2: Ken, have you really studied psychology? Never heard of something called "hypoactive sexual desire disorder"? There are a lot of people who don't have sexual feelings.
SwankiVY2: And...one of the criteria for it to be a *disorder* is that the person experiencing the lack of sexual feelings considers it a problem.
Ken: Do you think its a problem? I think that sex is something that you could enjoy if you did it with someone with similar activities as you. If there was anyone, it was definetly me.
SwankiVY2: No, I don't think it's a problem, another one of the things I said in our "first conversation" on the subject. Maybe I would enjoy it...but not with someone who expects me to have those feelings.
SwankiVY2: It also makes no sense to say that I would want sex with someone who has similar activities or interests, and then say you are that person...we seem to have very few common interests, actually.
Ken: you play with my head, you are to smart for me.
SwankiVY2: Another thing I told you a long time ago was that I *don't* "play with people's heads."
SwankiVY2: I'm just telling you the truth...if you make it into a gigantic maze, consisting of what you think I want and what you know I want and what you think I would like...
SwankiVY2: Then of course it seems complicated.
Ken: All I know is what I want, if you told me what you wanted I would try my hardest to accomplish it...
SwankiVY2: *grin* I've told you. Numerous times. You don't remember what I want?
Ken: I mean sexually.
SwankiVY2: You expect me to tell you what I want sexually when I don't want any sex at all, not from you or anyone else? How paradoxical is that?
Ken: Life is full of paradoxes...Ivy there is more between us than just a simple friendship attraction.
SwankiVY2: Are you sure that's not just what you *think*? I'm telling you, I find it *extremely* offensive that you're pulling this crap with me, trying to convince me that I want you.
SwankiVY2: You just can't satisfy the sexual needs of someone who has no sexual needs.
SwankiVY2: If I had any, at this point, I'd be pretty reluctant to bring them to your attention, either.
Ken: You never bring them to my attention, at any point.
SwankiVY2: Well, in the past, as in so far, that's totally because they don't EXIST, Ken. But I'm saying now, that if I ever do have them, I'm not planning on directing any of them at you.
SwankiVY2: You understand what I mean? Telling a girl she likes you kind of puts her off.
SwankiVY2: I mean, basically, what I'm getting here is "You like me, you want me, admit it!" and I'm supposed to respond positively to this kind of crap?
[He signed off at that point and I blocked him (and blocked his e-mail), and as far as I know he never tried to contact me again. I'm sure that if he ever thinks about me, he remembers me as a poor repressed person who freaked out and ran away because she couldn't handle being called out on her overwhelming attraction to him. I really hope he either grew out of this bullshit or is not married, because that whole "telling a woman what you KNOW she feels" thing REALLY creeps me out. Oh, and I told my sister about this later and she told me she thought the "vibe" he mentioned was just his horniness, and no one was attached to that but him.]
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