2/29/04
One of my coworkers had this dude asking him for something to help hold his book, "When I'm in my La-Z-Boy," he emphasized. When shown the lap desks, the man replied again that he didn't think that would work for his La-Z-Boy--maybe he just liked saying the word?--but after rejecting lap desks as a possibility he asked my coworker what he would do, you know, if he wanted to read in the La-Z-Boy. "I'd probably just read the book," he said, and then La-Z-Boy said, "Oh, okay, I'll try that!" Genius!
A dude came to the desk and wanted his books that were on hold. I only found one book on hold under his name, and he told me that another store (Borders) had called us and they'd told him we'd have both on hold for him. Since there was only one, I started looking for the other title, and the dude prompted me in the middle of my doing so to do so, "Can you help me find that book on the shelf then?" Nah, thought I'd stand here with my finger in my ass, how 'bout you? So, we didn't have the book he needed, and then I found a coworker who'd actually taken this dude's call from Borders and had TOLD the Borders employee that we didn't have it--there is the explanation of the crossed wires, no that's not the dude's fault. What I thought was funny was the next part: He started asking me what other bookstores are close around here, and since he'd already exhausted the "close to here" bookstore possibilities by going to Borders first, I told him there weren't any close around here but started rattling off names of bookstores in town and their approximate locations. He just cut me off to ask me, "Well, can you call them?" All right, see it's rude first of all to ask someone at one business if they can recommend to you the names of their competition. I don't care if you're going to go elsewhere if we can't help you, but asking us to invite you to go there is weird. Undeniably screwed up is asking me to call around for you so that we can give business to another store. No! So I told him he was welcome to look in the phone book and call whoever he wanted. I even let him use my book and my phone, but goddamned if I'm gonna do you that favor and let you impose on me when you're kind of being a dork about it.
2/28/04
A lady told me she had some books put aside for her and she needed to pick them up, but when I checked the shelf there was nothing under her name. I asked her what the books were and checked other hold shelves just to make sure, but nothing was put aside for her. As I was checking, she kept repeating like a mantra, "I was just here last week, I stood right here and watched her put them aside." She must have said that five or six times while I was looking, as if that made ANY difference--like, "Oh, you SAW her do it? That makes a difference! Now I know I can't bullshit you, I know they must really be here and I'd better look harder." I told her that since she'd done it last week chances were someone had cleaned out Customer Service since then (and usually if a book has been pulled from the shelf for a customer and left for more than three days we put it back unless it's noted otherwise on the book). She told me that that made her "very upset." And then told me again that she stood RIGHT THERE and WATCHED her put them aside. At that point one of my managers came up and I asked her if the desk had been cleaned out lately (it was obvious to me that it had). She said she personally had cleaned it out on Thursday and we agreed that probably the person who put them aside for her had not labeled them in a way that we would know they wouldn't be being picked up until the next week, so they'd gotten reshelved. Know what she said? "Oh, well, I can't believe it, I mean I stood RIGHT HERE and WATCHED her put them aside for me." Caution, folks: This is what happens when you let your mind get caught in an endless loop. (My manager took her around the store with her very vague information and helped her reclaim the books that had been reshelved. Hallelujah.)
Okay. I had to be on the register for most of today because of random crap. So you get to share in the joy of register Assholes. This dude came up and had an out of date discount card. It said "Anniversary Date" and a date of about a month ago, and when it was scanned in the computer the barcode flagged it as an expired card. But when I informed the customer that his card was expired, he looked all surprised and said, "But I just got it." I told him that if he had renewed it then he needed to give me the new card, and he said, "That's the one they gave me." Well, somehow I think not; the card was an old design. (Our new cards don't say "Anniversary Date." They say "Member Since" and you're supposed to write the date you got it rather than the date it expires. Not to mention the barcode showed a year-old card in the computer. We did NOT randomly give him a card from a year ago when he "got it" last month.) Well, I told him that that particular card, whatever he thought, was an old one and an expired one. He said, "Well can I speak to your manager please?" I called my manager while he bewilderedly mumbled about how this whole situation "flabbergasts" him and he "just can't believe" it was expired because he just got it. "I've been a paying customer here for years," he added, which I guess is supposed to mean it's not possible his card is expired. (I checked in the records and there's no sign of any cards but the expired one under his name; he doesn't even have like a long history of getting the card and renewing it each year.) Well, when my manager came up at first she didn't understand and thought he was right, blaming the "error" on the computer, but I discreetly pointed out to her that the card was the old design and we hadn't had this kind of card in six months, no one could have given him that "last month." They kept messing around in the computer (another manager joined us), trying to do something--I don't know what, because the bottom line was that either that guy honestly couldn't tell that a year had gone by or else he was deliberately lying in order to get a discount out of us, but either way he was not owed a discount because we physically did not HAVE this kind of card anymore to give people at the time he said he got it. Finally one of my managers told him he did not get this card last month because it would have been the new one with the key card. They eventually opted to give him the discount anyway and wrote down the number to "check on it" (maybe that was a line to pacify him?), but then he started talking about how it flabbergasted him (yeah, some more) and wanted to know what we were going to do about it, could he have a new card, what about the key card, blah blah. My manager told him we could NOT issue a new card and then he immediately said, "Well, could you just give me a new card then?"
Some lady got to the front of my line when it was rather crowded, and then told me she was here to pick up her son's books. I told her books aren't held at the register, they're held at Customer Service. I told her where to go and she asked if she could pay back there, and when I said no, you pick it up there and pay for it here, she bewilderedly said, "And then I have to STAND IN THE LINE AGAIN?" (There was really no one behind her, so . . . all I can say is, hurry the hell up and come back, and you'll have no wait.) It's not my fault you went to the wrong desk, lady. Strangely enough, this happened again not too much later. A lady, again, stood in the checkout line, asked for her books on hold, and complained about having to stand in line again when I told her I couldn't help her. I just really don't get it. Do you stand in line at the grocery store behind people with carts and then ask the cashier for help finding the cream of tartar? No, you find someone in the store who can help you, give it a glance around and think, "Hmm, register vs. Customer Service, which is more likely to provide service?" Yup, you got it!
2/25/04
I was called to the register to open a second checkout line, because too many people had decided they wanted to buy their shit all at the same time. (I swear, they have radar.) Anyway, I showed up to open Register 2, and my first customer was this woman who dug out her discount card and then stared at it like she was trying to figure out if it was the right one. "Yup, that's it," I assured her, holding out my hand so she could GIVE it to me and so I could START the damn transaction already. But she just kept looking at it, and then finally when I asked her if I could scan it she held it out to me . . . and then YANKED IT BACK, and said, "Oh, wait, is that expired?" studying the date on it, and I was like GOD, just give me the damn thing! I swear it took her over a minute of just holding the card, studying it like fine art, and then reconsidering the process. Lady, in case you haven't noticed . . . we're in a bit of a rush here, since there is now a line of fifteen people waiting to check out. Anyway. So one of the things she was buying was a set of three books that all had "Buy 2 Get 1 Free!" stickers prominently displayed on their fronts. As I began to ring them up, she tipped me helpfully, "Those are buy two get one free." Wow, I wouldn't have guessed. Heh. Oh wait. Unlike most of my customers, I actually read signs and stickers. And besides that I was familiar with the deal anyway. I love it when customers think they have to tell me how to do my job.
Some lady called when the computers were down for like an hour, and wanted me to find a certain book for her. I didn't happen to know the author and our entire lookup system for the whole company was down, so I had no way of helping her. I apologized and she was fine with it, and said she'd look up the author on the 'Net and call me back. She did so, I found the book, and asked her if she wanted me to put it on hold. She said she wanted me to, but before she agreed, she asked me if I knew if the library had it.
Think for a second.
We just went through all this hoopla that even required you to check a fact and call me back, and that was all to know if *I* had it on my very own shelves. And then you ask me if I know if the library has it. Why the hell would I know what the LIBRARY has anyway? I'd like to say this to anyone who's reading this: Please do not ever ask an employee of any store of any kind if they can find out for you what's in some other location that is in no way affiliated with them. Asking wastes your time and breath, but besides that, it gets you on some disgruntled employee's Page of Assholes.
2/24/04
Here's one from a coworker: He had this dude on the phone who wanted to order Italian books for this class. No problem. Except that although he wasn't being clear about it, it turned out that his intent was to order twelve copies of the book, twelve copies of the book with an accompanying tape, and twelve copies of the book with an accompanying CD. AND . . . there were twelve students in his class apparently. What he wanted was for his students to be able to come to the store and choose which of those three choices they wanted. Okay. No. You can't decide what our store carries. And if you want to order something our store doesn't carry (all three of these items), you should be ordering them to pick up and buy, not just so your students have their choice and we have to eat all the copies they don't buy. What you do is you ask each student which they'd prefer and then you have us order the friggin' things. Yeah. Have a nice day.
Had a lady come in and do a return today. Apparently she kind of got fucked over by our company; she ordered a book on "special order" and when it came in it was dirty, and when we re-ordered it it didn't come in on time for her obligation. But see, "special order" is just that: SPECIAL. We didn't stock the book, we have to ask the publisher for it; that's why it takes so bloody long to get. I totally understood her not wanting to buy a dirty book, since it was for a gift especially, but what I didn't like is that I found out from my manager that this lady called Home Office on my store manager and whined to them that he had offered her a cup of coffee to make it up to her, and she was all insulted that he thought a cup of coffee could fix everything. She apparently made up a lot of stuff that he didn't say, like she claimed that he told her all special orders get damaged as if to justify it and make her look like a whiner, and she said he tried to talk her out of ordering with the store or something. I don't know the whole story, but I'm pretty much ANNOYED by anyone who complains on my manager for something that's completely not his fault. It's not like he shat on your book to make it unsuitable.
I had a lady ask me to tell her the price on a scrapbooking kit she'd found on a table, and I looked all over it and didn't see a price in any of the usual places, but just as I was about to take it to the register to scan its barcode, I noticed a price tag weirdly on the side and top of it. So I pointed it out to her and said, "Oh, here it is, it's $24.99." She said, "Oh, okay. So could you go scan it please?" I was confused by that, and explained that I now saw the price tag said $24.99, and she said she heard that and would I please scan it. Turned out she thought that was the original price and there was going to be some "sale" price that I could only find out by scanning. When I explained that that WAS the price and that scanning would tell me that it was $24.99, she said, "Oh, but it's on this table, isn't everything on this table on sale?" I told her it was on sale if the sticker said it was--on that table further down were a lot of "special buys." She informed me that nothing should be on the table unless it was on sale, because there she was thinking everything was gonna be a bargain and then I'm telling her that some things are just full price. Well, I told her not all tables are "sale tables," we use tables for things other than discounted products; I pointed out the table of journals, full price, et cetera. She accepted that and went away--the whole interaction she was not crabby or anything, but she acted like she was arguing a good logical point with me. If I live to be a hundred I will never understand why customers think they can tell you what you should be allowed to do with your own store's displays.
Some lady wanted help looking for books on a particular subject. I was talking to another associate, standing in an aisle, and this lady walked past both of us, looked at us, and continued to the Customer Service desk, where she stood expectantly and glanced at us. Lady, you actually physically PASSED us. You could have asked us instead of going to the desk and pointedly waiting. Anyway she claimed she'd already looked for books on her subject where they normally go and wanted to know where ELSE we'd have them. (Don't you love that? It's the right section, but since there's none in there therefore there must be some completely separate pets section.) I went to the section and found books on her subject no problem. Amazing how that happens when you, ya know, LOOK for things, far be it for ME to say so.
2/23/04
A young guy came up and handed me an audio book package, and said, "Do you have this?" I'm used to people who come in with their own product and want another copy, so I figured that was what was happening, and turned it over to get the ISBN from it. But it had one of our stickers on it, so I got a little confused. He informed me that he had just picked it up off the shelf over there and wanted to know if we had it. Well, restating the obvious, I told him that if he picked it up off the shelf and we were holding it in our hands, that kind of meant we had it. He clarified that he wanted the book version of it. Well, yeah that makes a lot of sense--I dunno, maybe I'm being anal or something (am I?) but I didn't see anything in his sentence of "Do you have this?" that indicated that he was asking for the book version of it. Anyway, we looked for it and didn't find it. Turned out for some assignment he needed to read a book and he was required to HAVE the book for his class but he just couldn't bear to read it himself, so he wanted to buy the audio and the book version and listen to the audio but bring the book in as if he'd been reading it. We looked, fruitlessly, for another title a few minutes later. Turned out he was looking at the times on the cassettes and trying to figure out which books would probably take the least amount of time to get through. The third time he came to me with an audio and wanted to know if we had the book, I asked him if he checked already in the section (since we'd done this twice before, I figured he knew the drill). He said he hadn't and that he "didn't really know how to look." "I don't really read," he added. Yeah, I guess it's expecting a lot, hoping that someone could be walked through a procedure twice and then just be left on their own to successfully find a book, armed only with the ALPHABET as a clue to this bookstore organization nightmare. Yup, looking at the last name of the author and then walking to the section to find that author's name is like asking you to navigate a labyrinth. Oh well. I guess the alphabet IS a bit complex. All those LETTERS. . . .
Some lady just walked up and told me she had a book on hold, and then spat out a last name, let's say it was "Taylor." "Hi, I have a book on hold. Taylor?" I looked under Taylor and found nothing, and as I turned back to her empty-handed she said, "Oh, my name's Jane Smith, does that help?" Wait a second. Okay, turns out "Taylor" is the last name of the author of her book. Maybe I'm being picky or something but is that . . . illogical to anyone else? You come up to a desk and ask for the book on hold for you, and give as the only piece of information . . . the author's last name? Especially since you KNOW we asked you for YOUR name when we asked to put it on hold, I just . . . I don't understand the logic. I will NEVER understand their logic. Why must people make a simple thing so difficult?
Our computers were screwed up so we kept having to call the Title Lookup line. I guess the people at Title Lookup also handle phoned-in customer orders for the website, because when I called this one time looking for I'm OK, You're OK, the lady thought I was a customer. She asked if I had a Discount Club Card, and when I didn't quite understand why she'd be asking that and responded with the very coherent utterance "Huh??" she proceeded to try to sell me one on the phone. Hesitantly, I informed her that I was a STORE calling. Okay, if they're the same phone number as Title Lookup you'd think they'd ask the situation before assuming I was a customer, especially since I told them in a rather businesslike way that I wanted to do a "title lookup" and how many customers say that?? Anyway. It was especially annoying because as the lady was struggling to get into a different program to help me find the book in my store, my CUSTOMER was also being annoying, rattling off unhelpful information about the book. I'd already told him that I needed to know the author to find it and that I knew that it was in the self-help section but it was pointless to go there and stare blankly at the shelves when it is organized by author. It didn't stop him from suggesting shelving possibilities for it, "Maybe like psychology? Or something like that? It's kind of this help-yourself book. . . . " No matter how much I told him that I was familiar with the book and that the only thing that would help us at this point was the AUTHOR, he just kept talking. Know what? Despite what that book says on the cover, I don't think that guy is "OK." And if this sort of thing keeps up, pretty soon I'm going to join him in "not-OK-ness." Good lord, these people are going to drive me up the wall one of these days. I need an Internet job where I don't have any human contact whatsoever.
Tell me if you think I'm being a jerk here, but I got annoyed at this lady. She told me she wanted a certain book. I had to call Title Lookup (because, as previously mentioned, the computers weren't working), and they told me "mystery section," so I said so, and she said, "Yes, I know, it's a mystery story." I got them to give me the author too, and told her who the author was on the way to the section. She said, "Yes, I know, the author is my cousin." Okay, so she knew everything she needed to know to find this book. Why couldn't she? I mean, I'm not faulting her for not knowing where my mystery section is, but she could have just asked me where mysteries were since she knew everything about it. With our computers being down and every title lookup being a pain the ass, I just kind of resented that she put me through having to be on hold with Title Lookup and all this junk when she already had all the necessary information. Maybe I'm just being crabby.
Oh yeah, as if it wasn't enough to have our customer service computers not working, the registers were on the blink too. This one guy annoyed me. It took a couple tries to get his transaction through because the computer was being a dick, and the cashier (not me, I just witnessed the interaction) apologized for the wait and thanked him for being patient. He just picked up his books, snatched his receipt, and walked away after his transaction was over. I hate people like this. There is no reason to be ugly to the cashier--ESPECIALLY when they have apologized to you despite the fact that the problem was not caused by negligence or incompetence on their part. SOMETIMES COMPUTERS FUCK UP. It doesn't mean you are justified in having a temper tantrum and being a little asshole. Believe me, we hate it more than you do because we have to deal with it all day. You have to deal with it for one transaction. We really don't need your attitude.
Some lady just walked up to the customer service desk and said one word, presumably her last name. Well, I'm not a computer and I'm not so good with vague one-word commands, so I said, "Are you saying that's your last name and you're here to pick up your book?" She agreed that that was the case, so I grabbed her book and gave it to her. "Is that the only one?" she asked, and when I checked it turned out there was more than one book there, in fact her order had been three. So I gave them all to her, grouchily annoyed that she hadn't told me to look for more than one (since, ya know, the word "book" usually means singular). After I handed her everything with her name on it, she said, "Is there any more?" ::sigh:: Yeah lady, there's a bunch of shit here with your name on it but I just decided to give you only part of it. For some reason I want to keep it for myself instead of giving it to you. Mehhhh.
2/22/04
I was helping a young man in the home section and this guy just walked up to me and interrupted my interaction with my customer to ask where the books by Shakespeare were. I pointedly told him I would try to give him directions because *I* was still helping *this* customer. I gave him explicit directions to find the section and told him if he needed any help I would be available in a minute. He went away. Then I finished with the young man and had to help someone else at the desk, and that guy came back AGAIN and interrupted me AGAIN to tell me that he hadn't been able to find the section. (He was nowhere near where I'd explained, but what else could I expect?) Why is it that some people think they don't have to wait their turn?
Just as I was about to leave for the day, I had to help a lady with a book. It was some small-publisher book that was written about some obscure town. The lady gave me the title and I tried looking it up, and as we were waiting for the computer's verdict she told me how surprised she was that this book had been written and she hadn't even known it, because she was FROM that little town and was very interested to read about it. Well. I got no hits in the computer, so I told her so and asked for help in spelling the town's name in case it was a spelling error on my part. She rattled off some letters, then became confused and changed her mind. Then when I still got no hits she suggested part of another spelling and then told me she didn't know how it was spelled. It was at that point that I wanted to hit her. What happened to "I grew up there! I'm from there!"? Did you not know how to spell your own town??
2/21/04
And now it's time for . . .
"Why don't you have Chick-a Chick-a Boom Boom?"
That's a kind of weird way to phrase it, isn't it? Yes, it is, because I do have that book. Which I promptly explained to this lady as I put it in her hand. I wonder why she asked her question like that? That's like me asking the ice cream personnel why they don't have vanilla ice cream when it's sitting there on the menu.
My favorite customer came in today! Haha, NOT. Mr. Number-One-On-My-List-Of-Assholes. I had the PLEASURE of giving him his books he had on hold, and since I gave him what he wanted and didn't WASTE HIS TIME I suppose that is why I was rewarded by his getting out of my (copious) hair quickly. I stalked his pajama-wearing fool ass to the register so I could possibly hunt another Asshole File out of him (and sort of halfway because I was afraid he'd attack the cashier with something rude and I wanted to get her out of the line of fire since I've dealt with him before), but he didn't do anything. I found out later that he'd done something when he FIRST came in. He approached the cashier and demanded, "Where's the stuff?" Legitimately asking, "What stuff?" caused him to grump at her that he had books on hold and wanted to know if they kept his stuff at the register or Customer Service. Okay, now you people do the math. Mr. Boxer-Shorts-With-A-Long-Shirt-Hanging-Out-The-Bottom has been in the store enough times to get on my asshole list more times than I can realistically remember. He *knows* how we do stuff. So why does he even bother to ask where his "stuff" is? I guess so that he can have the pleasure of trying to make our cashier feel like jerk when she doesn't know who he is and what he wants and what he means by "where's the stuff?"
We had the police in today to trespass a man who's been known to steal shit from us before--apparently he comes in with a bag, fills it up, and then comes to the register trying to "return." This time he wanted to buy tea and got pissed off about our return policy on such things. We called the police and got him banned from the store right quick. Four cops were involved. I don't see why they couldn't have banned Mr. Wise too.
Some lady was standing out in front of the store today holding a campaign sign. That's not allowed on our property, so our manager called the store next door to see if maybe she'd okayed it with them or something. Alerted to her presence, the manager of that store came and told her she couldn't campaign on our property, which is something we found out when our manager tried to tell her too. "I'm not campaigning, I'm just meeting someone here and this sign is how they'll recognize me," she said, "Don't worry, the man from Stein Mart already came over here and ripped me a new asshole over it." Um. Grr. Hey, who are you voting for again? 'Cause I see he has admirable people in his campaigning group.
Got another one from my coworker. On Wednesday some asshole called him and wanted "books on Internet networking." He wasn't looking for a particular one (as he soon found out), and being that my coworker knows something of networking, he told the guy to narrow down his focus or else he would not be able to get him an appropriate book. "Just type it in," the guy insisted, "type in Internet networking." Explaining again to the guy that that wasn't specific enough, the guy just repeated over and over, "Type it in. Will you just type it in?" Well, when he did eventually type it in, the resulting search offered up a mere 1,366 titles. After being told to narrow it down once again, the guy just screamed some more, "Type in Internet networking! Type it in!" At this point he'd just had it and tried to get another associate to handle the call, but the dude hung up. Goodie.
Had a guy come up and ask where our computer section is, "Because you guys have changed everything around so much!" My guess is, you're thinking of a different store, guy. Our computer section has been in the same place since I started here (and it has not-easy-to-remove lettering high up on the wall!), so being that my employment is fast approaching four years, I THINK it probably hasn't changed since you were last in here. Anyway, it's not like people don't make mistakes, but then the dude came back and attempted to check out at Customer Service, and when I directed him to the cash register he commented again that we'd changed things around on him and he couldn't find anything because of that. Heh, I love people like this . . . I called his bluff. I told him we hadn't rearranged lately. "Well it was a long time ago that I was in here last," he sputtered, and I explained that our register had actually been in the same place since I'd started here almost four years ago. He grudgingly admitted that maybe he was thinking of another store, and I volunteered that there were indeed two of us. w00t!
2/18/04
Some lady caused a small avalanche in the kids' poetry section, so I helped her pick up the books. Predictably, she absent-mindedly just shoved the books on the top shelf and continued to browse. I put them in order. Then she asked me if I had any books with some particular poet's work in it. Then it turned out she wanted a particular poem by the particular guy, and I was unable to make her understand that I can't do a search to find out what's IN the books. I told her ahead of time that I wouldn't be able to do a search that would ascertain whether that poem was in any of the books I found, but then when I did the search she just kept telling me what poem she wanted. Then, I suggested that she try and get some of these out of print books off the Internet, and she goes, "Well I tried the Internet. And they had lists of all these poems by Robert Louis Stevenson, but then when I tried Field, all they had was just lists of his books." You could tell from talking to her that she thought there was just one "online," as if the whole Web is run by one person or one organization . . . dude, I just did a search on Google and I FOUND a listing for the poet and I FOUND the exact text of the poem she wanted. On my first hit. It's obviously not that difficult. I guess before you go around saying, "No, that bad ol' Internet didn't have it," you should know how to use it.
Some guy at the register answered my question of "Do you have a discount card?" with "Well, I did, once upon a time." Then he unearthed said discount card and I glanced at the date, "Oops, this looks like it's expired," I said, scanning it out of habit anyway. But then surprise surprise, it popped up as a valid card. I looked at it closer, and it was one of our new cards; the only way you can tell is that now instead of saying "Anniversary Date" where you write the date, it says "Member Since." (Since we got the new cards, we've been writing the date it was purchased rather than the date it expires.) This guy's card said he purchased it less than a month ago. So apparently that is "once upon a time." (It was that statement that made me figure it was probably expired.) Grr.
And, surprisingly, I had a really cool thing happen at the register! Some guy wanted me to look up his wife's discount card, and when I did so I found that it'd expired. I asked if she'd updated it since then or put it under his name, and he said no, no, he thought she was still good but if she wasn't then oh well. I apologized, and he said, "Well, it ain't YOUR fault!" sounding surprised as if I could ever have anyone who thought that it was my fault. Wow. He has no idea how rare it is that people realize it's their own fault if they didn't bring their card or renew in time.
2/17/04
Argh, I hate when this happens. Some guy came in and said he was here to check if his book came in yet. I asked if he got a phone call and he said, "No, I didn't get no phone call." I checked under his name and there was no book, so I checked his order on the 'puter--guess what? He put it in on the eleventh of this month. That was Wednesday. See, I'm sure whoever ordered it for him TOLD him when we'd expect it; we only get shipments on Saturdays and if you put in the order on Wednesday it's too late in the week for the inventory people to have packed it for the shipment. In other words, the dude was in checking on his book before it could possibly have been sent. I told him so. He went away.
Some lady and her daughter were among my first register customers this morning (I have taken to having to guard the register for an hour in the mornings). And the lady was a jerk. I told her we do E-check now, and she was fine with that, but then when I asked her if she wanted a bag, she gave me this shitty "uh, OBVIOUSLY" look and said "Yeees?" like that. Pardon me but not EVERYONE always wants a bag, which is why I asked, and then I asked if she wanted me to put the receipt in the bag, and she said, "No, and I want back my license and my check, too." I was holding said items. Did she think I was going to try to keep them if she didn't remind me?? They left, leaving their shopping cart in the walkway. Hmm, I should have known they'd end up on my list the moment they walked up buying the book Eragon . . . but I digress.
When the regular cashier got there I was telling him about the meanies above, and he told me that yesterday he had someone get all up in his face about the E-check system. She told him she didn't like the E-check, then reiterated, "I don't like it at ALL," and told him that she would NOT be back because of it, "and you can pass that on." Yeah lady. Turned out the lady behind her in line thought that was ridiculous, and commented to the cashier, "She shouldn't write a check if she don't have any money!" Hah.
Also we had a lady who was slightly ditzy, she came up to the front counter and told me she was returning a book in exchange for the other book we'd ordered for her. Then she kind of looked around confusedly and said, "What store am I at?" I told her, and she looked perplexed and said, "Oh, well it looks DIFFERENT." Uh-oh. So since she hadn't known she needs to go to Customer Service to get her book (another uh-oh, as I will explain in a moment), I offered to just go get it for her since it was early morning and not busy. I took her name and looked for the book she'd ordered, and it wasn't there. So . . . guess what I did? Called the other store. Yup, THEY had her book. Now that would explain why a) she thought the store looked "different" and b) she thought one counter served every purpose, because at the other store the register counter is also Customer Service. Surprise! She was good-natured about her mistake, though, and headed off to the other store. Yay.
2/16/04
"Hey, did you all move?"
Strange question a guy asked me. Turned out he was convinced we used to be somewhere else, or thought we weren't where we are now anymore, or something like that, I never quite got it out of him. Odd.
Some guy came up saying that he looked for books by this author and we only had like three even though the author had written dozens. Without having given me the author's name, the guy asked me if I could tell him where more were. I thought that was amusing. Then after I revealed that (gasp) we have a PAPERBACK section (and he'd been only looking at the hardbacks), he told me about how he's been to four bookstores looking for this book and NO one has it. I bet'cha anything he was looking in their hardback sections too, then rolling his eyes and stomping out because they dared to not carry the book. Reminds me of the couple looking for "The Orthanax" from 12/17/03.
Some girl called wanting the Cliff's Complete for The Bridges of Madison County. When I told her we didn't have it, she asked if I knew whether they made a movie of it. Girl, just do your school reading! Reading isn't punishment! Jeez!
Grr. Some guy asking me for a book felt he had to spell the name of the desert in his title for me. Okay, okay, I'm being annoying, but please, do not prompt me with spelling unless I have expressed some doubt. I don't need you to spell out "Mojave."
A lady came up to me and asked me, "Is there another customer service desk besides that one?" pointing to, ya know, our customer service desk. I told her that that was Customer Service, and asked her why she was hoping to find a second desk. "Oh well there's nobody there, I thought I should go somewhere else," she said, and then just turned around and went back toward the desk like she was gonna just go stand there. Lady, if you have gotten up the balls to come over and ask me if there's a whole second place to get help (ya know, in case we feel like creating multiple desks for maximum confusion), why is it you can't ask me to help you or maybe if you're worried it isn't my job ask me to summon someone? I mean, I work here (as evidenced by my fashionable apron). I am there to answer questions and stuff, and then you come ask me a nonsensical one. Anyway, deciding not to be a bastard, I followed her and told her anyone in the store could help her and I would be glad to do it. She proceeded to give me the longest glut of lead-up information on her book that I've ever heard, and yet somehow this lengthy prologue contained absolutely no useful information. She told me the book was new, several times, and that it was by a certain publisher and was about twenty-six dollars, and that she wasn't sure where to look, and blah blah . . . and I said, "Would you like to give me the TITLE?" She didn't know the title, but knew the author. And she had the author wrong. Luckily she knew the title of another book he'd written, and I was able to find it that way, only to find I'd have to order it. I did so for her. (And by the way, apparently books are "new" if they came out in July 2003. I wouldn't really call that a "new" book.)
2/15/04
Some lady came up to one of my coworkers and started making vague demands about wanting a particular book that shows you how to write the ABCs. She of course had no title, but nevertheless became frustrated that with that vague-ass information he had no way to help her. "I saw it last time" was her mantra, which always puzzles me; if they're so sure they saw it in the store, why don't they have any idea where to look? Since they've seen it and we haven't, I mean. Then she came back with MORE vague-ass information on a different topic: She wanted books about culture in India. Well, the travel books don't usually give much information, and of course again she wasn't looking for a specific title, so he took her to the world history section and showed her where to look. She appeared confused at just being left to comb the shelves--obviously she wanted to be led to the "here's all the books you'll like" section--and told my coworker, "That's the problem with this place, you have so many books but you do not have what I want!" Well it would help if you came INTO the place KNOWING what the hell you want, lady. She told him she was going to go to Borders instead, and he told her that was fine, but if she wanted to come back with a TITLE next time he'd be glad to help her. Go you!
While talking about Assholes, this same coworker told me he just remembered a while back some girl asked for the book on MLA documentation, and if you are at all familiar with such things you will know there is just one, it is "the" book. But when he tried to give it to her and she read the subtitle ("for research papers"), she whined, "No, not the one for RESEARCH papers, the one for just REGULAR papers." Hah! First off, as mentioned, that's the only book. Secondly, what other kind of "paper" is there? Are you doing an opinion piece? If so, what are you doing using MLA documentation to attribute your quotes? Bottom line: If you need the MLA format you're writing a research paper, unless I have my brain scrambled.
2/14/04
I had to guard the register for like two hours today because of an emergency with our usual cashier, so I got a jackass who didn't rightfully belong to me. Nevertheless, I introduce her to you.
I asked the lady if she had a discount card and she did not and refused to get one as well. When people refuse, I cover my ass (in case it's a secret shopper) by quickly rattling off that if they ever want to join it's usually ten dollars a year for ten percent off everything. "But aren't the hardbacks ten percent off?" the lady asked me. I turned the hardback she was buying over, and there was no special sticker or anything. So I told her no, they weren't. "I thought all your hardback books would be ten percent off. Why not?" she asked. Bewildered a bit, I explained that we didn't have some random store-wide discount on hardback books that applied to everything. We had thirty percent off our top ten bestsellers, but that was about it for hardback discounts that are automatic. She replied, "Well, Book Gallery West has all their hardbacks ten percent off, so I thought y'all would too." I reminded her that Book Gallery West is a used store, and she contradicted me and said they sold new books too. (Okay, a small selection. But still. It's a used book store.) She informed me that she'd be shopping THERE from now on, and took her stuff and left. I thought it was all really ridiculous. Why would you just assume that because one store you like has some policy, it's therefore a standard in the entire industry? Did it say that that was our policy on any sign anywhere in the store? Nooooo, buddy. But that's a great idea, hold us to the pricing standards of a used book store and then berate us for being a full retail store. I guess we're just persecuting you.
Later in the day, I encountered an ass who was slowly pushing his shopping cart around, and in his cart was a young child; accompanying him by his side was another slightly older child. He was saying to THEM--to them, mind you--some crappy remarks that were obviously not for the children's benefit: "Well, if they HAD anybody WORKING here, I could find my book. Oh well, it's Saturday, they all called in SICK." What?? Nobody called in sick, and considering you're walking around saying this in the eyeshot and earshot of an employee obviously you're not looking too hard for that elusive help. Plus one of my coworkers was actually AT the help desk at that moment, which was nice because then he had to deal with him. (The guy was rude to him too. Surprise.)
2/11/04
I had to guard the register for an hour in the morning again, and this time they put me on Register 4, the farthest register from the door. It kind of puts me in the corner--sometimes I joke that they put me there 'cause I was bad. Anyway, because I was a little hidden and because I'm very short and all the impulse-buy displays probably enshrouded me, I made it a point to greet every customer in the area with "Good morning!" so that they would know I was down there. (Otherwise they are prone to just kind of wandering around the area but not approaching the counter because after one quick glance they assume no one is there.) But for some reason, even after they answered my "Good morning" in every case, some of them still walked to a different register, put their stuff down, and looked at me as if I was supposed to come there. Do you do that at the grocery store, goddamn it?
So one of these people was this one man. He came up and put his stuff down at Register 1, and answered me with "Good morning!" when I offered it in greeting. Then he just stood there. I figured that if he wanted to check out he would sooner or later ask me if I was going to help him or maybe think he should come to my computer, but he just kept standing and standing, so I figured, man, he HAS to be just looking at all the impulse-buy crap over there, there's no way anyone would just stand there. I figured, oh well, he knows I'm here, and he can ask me to check him out when he's ready or go to the right goddamn register. So finally our café manager walked by and happened to see the guy standing there, and she said, "Sir, have you been helped?" He replied, "No, I was just waiting to be served, so I could get OUT of here." She indicated that I was open down there, and he moved, talking out loud to no one in particular about how he wanted to get out of here. I mock-concernedly apologized to him and told him, "Wow, see I KNEW you knew I was here because you answered my 'good morning,' I figured since you knew I was here you must just be looking at all the junk down there, or using the counter or something." "No," he replied, "I just thought you were doing something unrelated." Dude, if you were so interested in "getting out of here" I'm surprised you didn't SAY something to me. Anyway. So I noticed he was opening a checkbook, and we recently went to the electronic check system, so I asked him if he'd written a check here recently. He goes, "Yeah, all the time." I told him I was just asking because we recently went to E-check and I'd be giving his check back to him at the end, and I wasn't sure if that had happened last time he'd written a check here. "Well I've never written a check here," he said, "I've never even been here before." So . . . your answer "yeah, all the time" therefore makes no damn sense, which means you weren't fucking listening to me, okay. But I get that all the damn time so I understand. Anyway, I put in his check and gave him the thing to sign, and he signed it and then I gave him the check back. "Well don't YOU keep this?" he said, waving the paper at me insultingly. I told him I'd already explained to him that we do E-check. He didn't get it. Oh my God. It's just too damn early in the morning for people like him.
I'd also like to put myself on the Assholes list. So I'm a jackass sometimes. Anyway, this dude said he used to have a discount card because he came here with his kids, but now his kids live in Oklahoma, and he didn't think we had a store in Tulsa. I have no idea why what came out of my mouth came out of my mouth. I said, "Yeah, I don't think we have any stores in Texas." Yeah. I know Tulsa is in Oklahoma, and beyond that he even said "Oklahoma" first. So why did I say anything about Texas? Silly me. I berated myself laughingly after he corrected me.
A teenage girl and a mother were checking out separately at the checkout, and the girl went first, using her debit card. "It's debit," she informed me, which kinda annoys me because we only have one way to put such cards through, and ultimately it doesn't matter at all because even if you ask for it to be taken through credit card it comes out of your checking account. Anyway. So after I gave the girl the slip to sign, she picked up the slip and gaped at it, said, "CREDIT card?" and leaned over to Mom, "SHE put it through as CREDIT CARD!" Okay. Talk to ME, girl. Your mom doesn't know why it shows up that way either. (I explained it to her. I just thought it was strange how she immediately turned to her mommy for an explanation.)
I was called to the customer service counter, and when I got there some woman was there wanting me to give her the books she ordered. As she was requesting them, some other woman barreled up and began trying to interrupt our interaction by insisting that SHE had been there first. "I was in line, and I went away to get help and so I should be first," she was babbling, but when that other lady only just wanted me to hand her books from behind the counter, she calmed down a little and just whined, "The system in this place STINKS." Yeah lady, it just sucks so much that you have to wait sometimes. "If I can't get my book now I need to MOVE ON," she continued, and so I just looked at her with annoyed pity and said, "May I HELP you?" She told me she wanted some heart book by a certain author. Another employee behind me came up and started talking on the phone, and when I was scrolling through possible books for this lady (none of them were exactly the title she wanted), I overheard the employee on the phone say something about "Dr. Wheeler," and so for some reason instead of saying the author the lady had asked me for, I accidentally said, "I don't see any by a Dr. Wheeler." She said, "It's NOT Dr. Wheeler, it's Dr. Hart," and I did one of those "Oh yeah obviously" things where I explained that I'd just said the wrong thing while looking for the right thing, and she remarked, "It's NOT the one by Dr. Weil." (She pronounced it "while," even though Dr. Weil pronounces his name "wheel" as far as I know.) I told her I knew that and wasn't LOOKING for one by Dr. Weil, I'd just mixed up what I said. In any case, I told her, none of the books coming up were quite her exact title, just very close to it, and I didn't see any by the author she'd given me. "Okay FINE, so you don't HAVE it," she said, and stomped off. Um . . . have a good day to you too, lady.
One of my coworkers got some lady who insisted that the Kissing Bears were buy one get one free. "Because that's what it SAID on TV!" she whined. My coworker explained that that might be a deal somewhere but these bears were a dollar each, marked down, because they were LAST year's Kissing Bears, not this year's. "But they're buy one get one free, or isn't that what it says on TV?" she barked. Well, my coworker explained it to her again and this time she understood, and he decided to check for her to see if any of this year's bears were still around, with that deal. He checked and there weren't, and she was fine after that with buying the dollar-each bears. But then! I was at the Customer Service counter a moment later, and this lady got some books that had been on hold for her and then she said sort of in this snotty way, "And BY the way, whoever was looking for the bears . . . you guys said you were out of them but there is a whole BUNCH of them RIGHT THERE." And she pointed to a display of . . . you guessed it, LAST year's bears. I explained to her that we'd found those and they weren't the series we were looking for, and she went away apparently not quite understanding. I told the Hallmark girl about that because she asked what that lady had said, and she asked me, "Did she stand in line just to tell you that??" Luckily no, she had wanted her on-hold books too. But jeez. I hate when people are all officious. It's so jerky.
2/9/04
Okay. So I was helping someone, and then I got a phone call and put the guy on hold until I finished with my customer. When I came back to the desk to help the man who'd been waiting, a woman was standing there awaiting assistance too. I explained that I'd need to take care of the caller first and then I'd be glad to help her, but she interrupted me and told me "Oh well I just have some books on hold. . . . " Oh, okay, that changed my tune--it'd only take a couple seconds to grab her books and give them to her, so I understand why she wouldn't want to wait through my possibly involved telephone call just to have me walk to a shelf and hand her a book. So I asked for her last name, and she gave it to me but then did that annoying thing where she kept giving me more information, "I got a call a few days ago, now they said they were in, they're two children's books. . . . " I'm not having any trouble finding it, lady. I'm actually holding them as you continue to ramble. Anyway, I gave her her books, and made to pick up the phone, but she said, "AND, I have a question, now where would this book be?" and she gave me a title. "Just point me," she said reassuringly, I guess thinking that this was enough to justify hopping in front of the man on the phone. Well, I figured Mr. On-Hold would never know the difference of a few seconds, and just typed in her title and found it'd have to be ordered. But then she had a second title. Which we were supposed to have. I pointed her, as she'd asked, and she took off. But then I picked up the phone and thanked the man for holding, and then the woman before she'd gone ten feet turned around and started asking me questions again. I think she was asking me who the book was by, but I couldn't really hear because, well, I was ON THE DAMN PHONE. I kept helping the man and figured she'd realize she'd already taken too many liberties by trying to cut in line, and now she would just have to wait until I was done. Well, as luck would have it, the man's request had me having to go to the same aisle as this lady was looking. As I passed her she TRIED TO INTERRUPT ME AGAIN, "Do you happen to remember who that author was?" I just kind of glanced at her and made sure she realized I was in MID-SENTENCE with someone else. You don't just walk up to people on the phone and talk to them! No! You don't! Turned out she found the book on her own before I got off the phone with the man, so luckily I didn't have to deal with her again. Strangely enough the man was kind of an asshole at the end too. After all went well and I found his book and he requested it put on hold, he happened to ask the price as an afterthought and was all floored that it was, ya know, retail price. He's like "But it's much cheaper online!" and I told him I was sure that was the case, since ALL BOOKS ARE CHEAPER ONLINE. I don't care where you go, they are cheaper online because they are NOT sold at retail price. If you go to a retail store, they are retail price, because that's kinda the definition of RETAIL. Anyway.
In the café this morning, a woman ordered three hot chocolates. The café manager asked her what size and she said "small." After making the hot chocolates and ringing her up, the lady freaked out at the price and demanded to know why it was so high. The manager quoted the lady a price for hot chocolate and explained that generally when you multiply said price by three and add tax you get this here total. The lady looked up on the menu and argued that a "Kids' Hot Chocolate" was not that price. Café gal replied that she hadn't asked for "kids'" size, she'd asked for "small," which is different, and it says so on the menu. The lady replied, "Well I MEANT kids'!" Apparently now we're supposed to anticipate what people want and give them that instead of what they asked for.
I had a lady tell me she couldn't find the type of book she was looking for back in Nutrition. I went back there with her, looked exactly where she'd been looking, and found about six books on her topic. It always boggles my mind how people will walk into a section and just go "ohhhhhhh I can't do anything myself, there must be nothing here," they just look at a shelf of books and begin drooling or something. Anyway, after I found her a book she wanted, she said, "And you're going to walk up with me and check me out too, right?" I told her I wasn't the cashier, and she could go up there and get checked out, and she said, "But is there someone up there? I thought you would walk me up there and check me out." Uh. Yes there's someone up there. No I'm not going up there to check you out. Weird lady.
And in other news I got asked out in the checkout line today. It happens often enough but usually it's preceded by some flirting at least. Usually the guy has a short conversation with me or something and then starts finding excuses to come up and ask me a question or pretends he wants a book on something that will impress me, or even once in a while they'll leave and then come back a couple days in a row before asking me if I want to go on a date with them before receiving the inevitable shoot-down. This guy? No prelude to his madness.
"When do you get off work today?"
"Uh . . . ? About four?"
"Cool, you want to go out to dinner with me?"
"No." [Pause] "I'm busy."
"Okay."
He just finished up his transaction and left.
Does this approach ever actually work? I'm scared.
2/8/04
Grr. I was doing a break at the register and I gave the lady I was helping her receipt from her credit card to sign, but since it was my first transaction of the break I hadn't put a pen up there yet. I was looking in my apron for one (but there's a lot of shit in there) so it was taking me a second to grab one, and the lady kind of grunted at me, "Can I have a pen please?" I nodded and kept digging for one, but less than two seconds later I'm pulling the pen out of my apron and she's prompting me again! "Do you have a pen?? I need a pen!" Lady, I understood that from the beginning. I know it's hard for you to understand but I've kind of been doing this a while.
Hmm. A girl stumped me with a customer service question today. She came up, first of all, and wanted "Like . . . a thing of plays?" I repeated back to her, "A THING of PLAYS?" and she clarified, "Like a book, a book of plays." (Hehe, I love repeating what people said back to them so that they see how vague they're being.) Anyway, with that information obviously I don't know what she wants, so I asked her for some clarification. Turned out SHE WAS ACTUALLY LOOKING FOR A SPECIFIC BOOK, but "I need a thing of plays" was supposed to help me find it. She was looking for a specific play IN a book and said the author was "Terence." I asked for more info on the author's name but she said it was "just Terence," and that it was like an ancient author with one name kinda like Homer. 'Kay, never heard of him, but that's all right. I did some searches but I found no thing of plays by any Terences, so I told her we could just look through the drama section but if I couldn't find it in the computer I had no way of knowing if it was something we could expect to carry. Her response kind of floored me. "Well I found it on you guys' website." Okay. Now what did she type in to find this elusive book? She doesn't remember. What was its title? "I don't knoooooooow." Well, she came to the conclusion that probably no one else in her class would be able to find this particular thing of plays either, and then maybe her teacher would give them some direction. My direction? Get a title. Please.
It boggles my mind when adults who are capable of reading won't do it. I had a guy in my kids' section helping his daughter find a book, and they settled on the Ramona books by Beverly Cleary. He picked one up and said, "Ahh, it's Ramona and the Pest. Well you can relate to that, you've got one!" he announced gleefully. And a couple more times he called the book Ramona and the Pest. The book is Ramona the Pest. In the book, the main character pesters people. That's a big difference from having a pest, if that was why he was thinking his daughter would like it. Anyway. This just reminds me of those people who call Pokémon "Pokey Man" despite hearing their children say it correctly over and over and over again.
One of my coworkers got this charming lady; she was reading off a long list of books she wanted, and every time he told her that we didn't have the book and would have to order it, she would SLAM her hand on the counter and act all pissy. Get a fucking grip! Or put on diapers and stay in the playpen! Your choice!
Another one from the same associate--while he was helping out in the café, some woman bought a drink that comes with a free little chocolate. Thing is, even if something is free, it has to go through our computer so that we know how many are gone and when to get more. So he rang them up as usual and was in the process of doing the computer gymnastic to make it free (i.e., plugging in a discount of 100%), the lady LUNGED over the counter and snapped at him, "NO, those are FREE!" He was a little shocked at her response and explained that he KNEW that, and described the process. Even the lady's husband made a comment, "Oh why don't you rip his head off next time," or something like that. It was just freaky and totally uncalled-for. I might ask like, "Are those free?" if I didn't understand, but I swear this lady seemed to almost need a leash to hold her growling ass back!
I had a lady who wanted Forbes, but we seemed to only have the special edition. I went back to the magazines with her and gave Finance a double-check, but I only saw the special edition too. When I told her that I guessed it meant we haven't gotten whatever the current regular issue of Forbes is, she replied, "Well, can you check in your computer?" I didn't even know what to say to that, and I am 99% sure my annoyance came out in my response, because I asked her, "Umm well . . . WHAT are you wanting me to find out in the computer?" 'Cause I already frigging told her if we had it it'd be there, so if the computer could help with anything at this point why wouldn't I have thought of that myself? Do you think I'm going to find it in the system and that will enable me to print one out or something? On what planet wouldn't regular Forbes be next to regular Forbes? But the lady was like, "I want you to find OUT if there's more you're supposed to have," and after making sure that the lady understood there was nowhere else the magazine would be, I offered to see if my search showed that there was in existence a regular Forbes and a special edition Forbes. "That would be helpful, thank you," she said all priggishly. Grrr on that. (And miracle of miracles, the computer came up with no useful information. Toldja. See, I keep mentioning I've kind of been here a while? Yeah. Tends to mean I know what I'm talking about.)
Argh. I thought this dude was going to be awesome, because he was very friendly and asked how I was and seemed articulate. Yay! So he said that he had a special order come in. Then he said nothing. I figured he was probably one of those people who thinks they're "the" special order and that we've been sitting there waiting for him to come (he's one of about a hundred and fifty to three hundred people, depending on what kind of week we're having). So I asked for his name. He spelled it for me--some weird name starting with A. Uh-oh. Nothing on the shelf remotely resembling that. So he started describing the book. Unsure of what the deal could be, I asked for his first name since sometimes people are thoughtless when they order and maybe put the person's last name first by accident and then a quick-glancing associate thinks the first name is the last. WELL! Turns out the guy had spelled for me--HIS FIRST NAME. He just figured it'd be sitting there under his first name. Dude! I asked for his LAST name and we solved the mystery. Man, you gave your full name when you ordered it, why would you think we'd have it filed under your first? No one does that! "Hi, I have a doctor's appointment. Should be under Becky." No!
2/7/04
Some guy asked me for the magazine Cat Fancy, so I told him it was probably in the pets section (I'd seen it there before) and walked him in that direction. As we approached the shelf, the guy came out with a dismayed tone in his voice, asking this ridiculous question: "You're not taking me to the men's fashion section, ARE YOU??" Excuse me? No, I'm taking you exactly where I said I was taking you: To the pets section, which is where magazines on CATS would be. What made him think I would lead him to look for cat magazines in Men's Fashion (which, incidentally, is where the pornos are) is beyond me. (The guy also brought his stuff to the customer service desk and was one of those people who acted like I was incompetent for not offering to check him out. I just asked him if he needed anything else from me and just left him there when he said no.)
Everyone and their momma was calling for the book Mythology today, it's on someone's reading list, and of course none of them want to order it because "I have to have it by Monday!" Then why are you shopping for it on Saturday, fool? Anyway. 75% of them are very rude to me for some reason when I tell them we're out, and get all whiny as if it's our fault no one ordered enough copies to fill some teacher's whim. Anyway, I mention this because it's funny to be asked for the same book eleven times in one day and then have someone call you up and act like she doesn't expect you to know what she's talking about, and then helpfully adds, "It's by Edwith Hamilton." Edwith, that's right, I didn't typo. I wonder if Edith Hamilton's got some competition here for writing mythology books?
I put some lady on hold to check if we had any Yu-Gi-Oh! tins left (it's a popular item). When I came back and asked if she was still holding, she replied, "Yes . . . I was waiting for someone to give me some information? About the Yu-Gi-Oh! tins?" I told her I knew that and I was back. I didn't see what gave her the idea that I was someone else. Okay, that's it on that one. It just seemed a lot more jerky when it happened than it does on paper now.
And lastly, some kid came and stood near me in the kids' section while I was rearranging First Readers, and just kind of dawdled around apparently hoping I'd prompt him to ask me a question. Well, he was enough of a big kid that I didn't feel the need to baby him, and he got tired of waiting for me to break the ice and walked away. Later he was at the customer service desk, and his question was this: "Do you know when the sequel to this is coming out??" He was holding the unholy book Eragon. (In case you weren't aware--which I doubt--I passionately hate that book. Details inside.) So, when he asked me if I knew when the sequel came out, I unintentionally broke out with, "You mean you care?" Hahah. One of my coworkers was up there with me, and explained to the kid that Mr. Big Shit Christopher Paolini is still writing Eldest; apparently he's too busy to finish his book since he's spending all his time nancing around the country in his medieval costume, bragging that he's a nineteen-year-old author at book signings even though his book was self-published and accidentally discovered by an established author who recommended it to his own publisher without reading it because his child liked it. Ummmm.
2/4/04
Some lady had brought in her copy of the first book in the Dolphin Diaries series. She came up to Customer Service all frazzled and asked if we carried this series. Of course, one glance at it enabled me to immediately reply, "Yes." Because, ya know, I know what kids' series we carry. She looked surprised like she'd expected that her question was all obscure and couldn't believe I didn't need the assistance of a machine to answer this complex question, and she goes, "Well, where is it then? I've looked ALL over!" I asked her where she'd looked, and she rattled off a list of all these kids' sections she'd been to looking for it, one of them being the section where it actually is. So, I told her yes, it IS in Intermediate Series, and took her right to it. She kind of made one of those amazing discovery noises, like "AHHHH, Eureka!!" except without words, and then looked at me and said, "If you'd JUST had a SIGN. . . ." "A sign?" I asked, and she pointed out that some of the other series had little signs showing where they were. We do that for some of our most popular series, and she said, "I got to where I was just looking at those." So that means she was just wandering around hoping to spot the series, not thinking that maybe, oh, they might be in some kind of order that one could figure out. I know it's a very difficult concept, but my series books are in alphabetical order by the name of the series. And furthermore, it SAYS so on every sign that says "Intermediate Series" above every bookshelf. "Intermediate Series: Alphabetical by Series." So when you glanced at that subcategory sign that said "Dear America" and then the next one said "Dinotopia" and then you ended up running into the "Goosebumps" one, you would think, maybe, "Oh, back up, it should be somewhere in here, with the D's." But no, she just kept walking around looking at signs. IT'S A BOOKSTORE. IT HAS AN ORDER. STOP ACTING LIKE THIS IS ROCKET SCIENCE. There is no excuse for that, especially since not only is it common sense but it is WRITTEN ON THE SIGN. Can you tell this situation is pissing me off royally these days?
A guy was in the cooking section and he interrupted my task by asking me to help him find the books by a certain author. I told him I didn't recognize the author and that I would have to look her up on the computer real quick, but the guy replied with, "Well, her books would be here in Cooking." Well. Astute observation, guy. Dude, here's the situation. You can't find the books yourself. So you ask an employee for help. She tells you she would have to use the computer to find out. And then you respond by telling her where to look. If you're so damn knowledgeable about how we shelve books, why are you asking ME for help? Do you think I'm just going to hear "They're in Cooking" and go, "Ohhh, okay. Here they are!" Cooking, in case you don't know, is HUGE. It has about a billion subsections, and quite frankly it's a hell of a lot easier to go to the computer and look up the author and see if we carry her damn books at all, and if so WHERE. But for some reason even though I didn't recognize the author he was asking for, he still thought telling me "It's in Cooking" would be enough information for me to help him. Grr.
Some guy stopped me as I was coming out of the back room and asked me, "Are your restrooms back there?" I told him they weren't (surreptitiously glancing at the sign that said "Employees Only. Restrooms are at the front of the store"). He goes, "Well do you know where they are?" No, guy. I work here but I have no clue where the potty is. I've just been pissing in the grass out back. Argh!
A lady came up to Customer Service and laid down the book she was carrying. I asked her if she had a question and she goes, "I want this?" You'd think that if I could check her out at the Customer Service desk I would have considered that that might be a possibility and offered to check her out. I made her go to the register though. You'd think I would stop including small things like this in the log, because they happen all the freaking time, but I can't get over how the customer in this situation always gives me this look like, "What are you, incompetent? I want to BUY this, peon!" It always boggles my mind how they think I don't know how to do my job, that it's always the default perception that nothing is their fault.
I was guarding the register for the hour before our cashier arrived, and some dude walked up and asked me to give him the book he'd ordered. I told him it would be at the Customer Service desk and that I would call someone to meet him. Note that I said I would call someone to meet him in the same sentence. The guy's response was, "Well I've already been back there, and there's no one there." How did he hear part of my sentence but not the important part? Ugh. I hate repeating myself for the benefit of the oblivious.
An older man approached the desk and said, "Excuse me, where would you have the McGuffey Readers?" Not recognizing this, I asked him what that was. He stopped short and said, "Oh, come ON!" Uh-huh. When people ask for something that I've never heard of and phrase the question in such a way that it seems they think it's common knowledge, I get a little defensive, so often I try to get the person to understand that they are NOT asking a common-knowledge question. I did this this time by informing him that I hoped he would forgive me but no one has ever asked me for that in the three and a half years I've been at the store. (Usually that puts them in their place; if I haven't heard of this incredibly commonplace thing then of course I'm probably a newbie who doesn't know her job, but if they realize they're talking to someone who has been in the book business for that long and still hasn't heard of it, well, then that's something else.)
Turns out "McGuffey Readers" are old learning-to-read primers in the tradition of Dick and Jane, and apparently they were old enough to have been used in schools when this man was a child. I found them in the computer as books that were ridiculously difficult to find, having been produced for the first time in the 1920s (though this man insisted that they were still in print). Well, maybe so, man, but according to my 'puter and my memory, this is not something anyone has wanted in many, many years. But I guess I'm just a jackass for not knowing about a basal reader that was used for kindergartners at the beginning of LAST century. Imagine that! (This man also committed the goofy crime of wanting to purchase his book at Customer Service. Blah.)
A woman wanted a book from our American history section, and when I got her back there we found a disturbing space right where the book would have been if I had any. I told her it was very possbile that what we had had sold already, and she said, "Oh NO! Oh, and you're not getting any more?" Kind of bewildered by that, I asked her what made her think we weren't getting any more? She replied, "Well, please put some on order." Yeah, that's how we do it, lady; we walk around the store with lists trying to see what's missing, and we need tip-offs from our customers to tell us what to replace. Or maybe when the computer registers that we sold something, our Home Office gets that information and replaces it in the very next outgoing shipment. Yeah. I told the lady that the fastest way to get HER a copy was to order one in her name. She refused that and said she'd just keep checking back. I don't get people who do this. They're taking the chance that someone else will get the book AGAIN before them, plus you don't know how long it will be before the order is filled. Just order a book for yourself, it's not that difficult, and it will spare you the trouble and us the time of having to deal with your ass asking for this book week after week. Ugh.
We have a lady who's obsessed with Harry Potter and she's kind of a strange person; I've mentioned her before, and today she came in the store again wanting to return and replace her hardback copy of The Prisoner of Azkaban (the third Harry Potter book) because the binding was coming apart in the back. Guess what? That's what happens when you read a book over and over. She claimed she didn't do it, but you could tell she did, the rest of the book just looked like it had been read and well-loved. But they let her do it, and just damaged out the old one, telling her she can't do this any more and she needs to take care of her books or else deal with the consequences. Anyway after that was over she wandered around the store talking to other customers that she didn't know, telling them she liked Harry Potter. I overheard her telling someone in the fiction section that she liked Harry Potter, and said she liked Lord of the Rings too, suggesting that the girl she was talking to should read them if she hadn't. The girl replied that she didn't really like them because they reminded her of D&D. I started snickering. Well, Harry Potter lady asked the girl what D&D was, and the girl said "Dungeons and Dragons," and she made a sputtery noise and said, "Nooo, it's nothing like THAT!" Full-on laughter was inspired at that point, on my part. D&D is entirely based on Middle-Earth, unashamedly. There is nothing more like Tolkien on this planet than the realm of Dungeons and Dragons. Hahaha.
I was cleaning up some stuff in the kids' section when I was paged to Customer Service. Quickly I began putting down the things in my arms so that I wouldn't have to cart them with me, and as I was just turning on my heel to go to the desk, a woman came up behind me and said, "Can I ask you a question?" I turned, and was about to explain that I needed to help the person at the desk first before coming back to help her, but then she said, "Do you work here?" Time kinda stopped for me there. What the fuck do you mean do I work here? Is that the question you wanted to ask? I was so tempted to tell her, "Yes, I do," and then walk away as if I thought that was her question. But I explained I had someone just page me to help the first customer at the desk, and asked her what she needed to ask me. The lady replied, "No, that's okay, you go ahead, I'll wait." I told her if it was something quick I could just point, and she said, "No, that's fine. I'll just wait." I accepted that, went to help the Customer Service desk person, and then came back to the section. She wasn't there anymore. I never saw her again. Uh-huh.
Some guy wanted to mail books to Iraq. After ascertaining that our service wouldn't do that (we only mail USA and Canada), he told me he would mail them himself . . . and proceeded to ask us where our scale was so he could weigh the books and package them. That's the first time I've been asked if we have a BOOK-WEIGHING SCALE. Hopefully it will be the last. (In case you want to know, we don't have a fucking copy machine either.)
One of my coworkers had a fun time of it today too. He shared some stories with me, and a couple of fun ones include the lady who stormed off on him because of a computer error and the guy who insisted we have a marketing database to collect dirt on people. The first lady was just some jackass who got annoyed when the computer froze in the middle of her transaction, snottily informed him that "THIS is why I don't shop here!" and marched away, I guess feeling righteous. 'Cause, you know, it's indicative that our store and customer service suck the big one when a computer freezes once in a while. Now the dude, he asked my coworker to ring up his purchase in two transactions, and wanted to use his discount card on one but not the other. There was no reason he shouldn't have wanted to get discounts on both, but the man barked out, "Well do you think I really want to be in your MARKETING DATABASE?" He informed the man that we have no marketing database, and the guy replied, "OH yes you do." Yeah guy, we care what you buy, and we plug in your numbers based on your discount card so we can try to sell you crap. But wait! He paid with a credit card. If we really wanted to, man, we could make a marketing database on everyone who pays in a method other than cash, so you are not saving yourself from any marketing database just because you won't use the discount card. Which makes no sense because you used it on one of your purchases but not the other! But hell, you're the customer, you must be right. You've got our number now, mister.
And here's the last one for today (I had a lot of Assholes for one day, didn't I!!). Some woman came up and told me there was a book that was published sometime in the last six months "about Heaven." The only book that came to mind for me was called The Five People You Meet in Heaven by the same guy who wrote Tuesdays With Morrie, so I took her to that, but she was not sure that was it. Then she started asking goofy halting questions basically wanting me to guarantee her that this was "the book." I had to explain carefully to her that "some book published in the last six months that's about Heaven" does not give me any way to tell you authoritatively that this is the book you're looking for. How the hell could I know if this is "the book"? Good lord. People just don't understand that giving me vague information constitutes a vague degree of helpfulness. I just told her if she happened to buy it and it wasn't "the one," she could bring it back if she held onto her receipt. Grr.
2/3/04
Today every customer was suffering from this really strange syndrome. It seemed that everyone I helped had to open the conversation by asking me, "Do you work here?" I don't know what it is that tells them I work there, can they smell it on me? Are they psychic? HOW DO THEY KNOW??? Oh yeah. THE APRON WITH THE STORE'S NAME ON IT. Accompanied often by me doing suspiciously employee-like things such as taking books out of plastic boxes or cleaning up messes other people made. Or standing behind a desk, that's probably a dead giveaway.
The weird thing where people ask me questions from REALLY FAR AWAY happened again today. If you've ever been to my store you'll know how absurd this is: I was standing at the calendar fixture and this man was in the CAFÉ. And yet, he still asked me, in a fairly loud voice but still very far away, "Where are the economics books?" Umm, well I figured he had to be asking someone who was actually OVER there, so I didn't answer him, but then he came closer and opened with, "Hel-LO??" Hi, dude. How about "excuse me," not just "where is such and such?" yelled across the store. Jerk.
"Hi, do you work here?" some woman asked. I turned and made sure she could see my apron, glanced down at the stack of books I was carrying, and looked back at her, expecting that she'd have realized by now that she'd asked something rather silly. Nope. She was just standing there looking at me like she was expecting an answer and really didn't know what it would be. ::sigh::
Today I remembered one from last week. It only became REALLY funny when I discussed it later with my coworker (from the other store) and very special friend and co-commiserator, Jeaux. He was telling me about some guy who'd called him and asked him whether, now that it was 2004, the 2003 Writer's Market would be sold at a discount. I was floored because that guy called ME too, asking the same question, and then he grilled me as to why not. Which also happened to Jeaux. So. We don't know whether the guy called my store or his store first, but either way he called both of us, and since we BOTH explained to him that the 2003 Writer's Market just gets sent back when we get the 2004, he was acting all appalled and surprised AFTER already hearing this story from one of us at least once before approaching the other with the same attitude. See, what I don't get is, if he wanted the 2003 Writer's Market himself, he must know that there is still some value in it. We don't get books of yesteryear that have become outdated and just keep them in the store, and for some reason it takes a while for a book to make its way through the system and become a "sale book" with a permanently discounted price. (We have some old Writer's Markets, actually, but I think they're from like 1997.) Anyway, the guy argued with BOTH of us about why we couldn't just "mark it down," and he didn't seem to get that some lowly store associate can't just change prices on shit just because you call and argue the logic with them. WE CAN'T DO IT. And we didn't have any 2003 versions anyway. So what the hell? But it just became absurd when we both realized he MUST have heard the story from one of us at least once before calling the other. We did wonder who he called first, but that's beside the point.
"Can I ask you a question?" asked a guy while I was stocking in Kids'. I told him he could. Response: "Do you work here?" IS THAT YOUR QUESTION?? We already established that you could ask me a question. Why did you ask me if I work here? What the hell???
A kid asked me for a book and I found it for him. Then he asked me if you have to buy the books here or if you can check them out. I told him we were a bookstore so we weren't going to do the library thing. He was maybe ten or something, and I give a little wiggle room to kids, but still, when I was half his age I knew the difference between a library and a bookstore. Oh well. Some adults still don't, as I seem to recall I was once asked about the "trade-in" program with our audio books. Which we don't have, nor have we ever. Yay.
"Excuse me, do you work here?" God. I stopped walking and told her I did indeed work there, and she asked me if the paperback books were in order "by author, or. . . . " They do that a lot, ask an unclear question and then expect me to fill in the blank. But there is no "or." So since she didn't continue, I said, "Yes. They're by author." She then looked REALLY confused, because, ya know, she'd been looking in the paperbacks and trying to find this author and she couldn't make heads or tails of how they were organized and now I was telling her that it wasn't some other system from, like, the moon--we do indeed shelve them in the way that makes sense. The weirdest thing about it is that the paperbacks are one of the most organized and precise sections in the store, and I don't see how anyone could be so confused by the organization that they have to ask me if it's some other system. But then again, this woman (after ascertaining that they were in alphabetical order) then asked me for book by an author whose name started with W, and she was standing in the M's. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that the paperback shelf ends somewhere in the M's, and the rest of the M's and the rest of the alphabet wrap around to the BACK of that same shelf, imagine that.
A woman approached Customer Service and told me that we'd called her and told her her book was in. I said, "Okay," and gave a short pause hoping she'd realize she should tell me who she is so I can get her book. She responded to this by giving me the WORLD'S MOST BIZARRE GRIN. It just came out of nowhere. One moment she was looking at me with a normal face, requesting her book, and then suddenly this smile attacked her mouth. It was kind of a "hello, don't just stand there, gimme the damn book" face. Disturbed, I asked her for her name. She gave me it. I gave her her book. She went away. Thank God.
2/1/04
According to my manager, there was a dude sitting in his car outside waiting for the store to open for forty-five minutes. That in itself is weird; most places open later on Sundays (though we don't), and in any case nine o'clock isn't very late for store opening. The hours are also posted on the door. So, this guy was sitting there waiting for almost an hour. When the doors finally were opened, he came in and went right to Customer Service, and said he had a book on hold that we'd called him about. Guess what? He'd gone to the wrong damn store! It was the other store that ordered it! Brilliant move, dude--camp outside the wrong concert why don'cha!
Had a weirdo doing returns today. He came up to the register and asked to do the return, but by the time I had gotten there to take care of it the guy had wandered away. We had to call him back so he could be present to give me the information I needed, but after he gave it he . . . walked away again. (Also, when I asked him to give me his name, he told me, "It's a long one" and then proceeded to take about six times longer than it would have taken to spell it out loud to find me some sort of ID I could copy his name from.) So, after the return was done we're standing there with his money and he's gone again and I need to give it to him and have him sign the return slip. Finally we got him back, and I reached into my apron to get him a pen to sign with but I realized I'd already put the pen up there, so I said, "Oh, I think I put the pen up there already," and the customer grabbed the pen and tried to hand it to me. Okay dude, I needed it so YOU could sign. I informed him of this and he signed the paper. Finally. He informed us that he'd be back to buy something else, and he left the bag he'd brought his old stuff in, telling us we could reuse it on his purchase when he found it. He also left his discount card just laying there. I gave him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he'd meant to do that since he was coming back . . . but, no dice of course. He came up and started digging for his card in his wallet, and we had to inform him that he'd gotten it out before and left it with us. I really do wonder sometimes if people leave their brains in the sink when they're washing them in the morning.
Some teenage girl with a typically valley-girl accent and demeanor foisted herself on the customer service associate today. He was not amused. She came up and said, "Um, I have, like, a BOOK on hold?" (As you may know, all valley girls end statements with question marks.) She told him her name and he got her book for her, and then she was standing there holding her credit card. He didn't make any move to take the card (of course, as we can't check people out at Customer Service), and when what she expected to happen didn't happen, she said, "Um, so what am I supposed to DO with this?" indicating her card. He replied, "I suppose you can take it to the CHECKOUT." She kind of slammed her hand down, rolled her eyes and made that sarcastic valley-girl grunt (you know, the one that sounds like a noise a pig should make), and made her way to the appropriate place. Yeah, go fig, us making you take your purchase to the checkout! 'Scuse much, rude or anything?
Some guy was asking me for a study guide for a somewhat obscure Air Force test involving helicopter piloting. Honestly, I can't imagine that any regular bookstore would carry such things (in fact, they're lucky we carry the one for ASVAB!), but I figured it was worth a shot. After I got nothing to give him and suggested maybe he ask the actual military presses, the guy told me, "Yeah, well, I found it at their online store, but THEY want like, twenty, thirty bucks for it!" Oh, imagine that, a book that costs money. All the test prep books cost about that.
A lady wanted an astronomy book that was new. She didn't know its title or author of course. But she said, "The article said it's supposed to hit the newsstands today." Hung up on the word "newsstands," I asked her if she therefore meant it was a magazine. She looked all confused and said, "NO, it's not a magazine, it's supposed to be a book." So I explained to her that "newsstands" carry magazines, books don't hit newsstands. Skipping over the definitions, we got back to the matter at hand: Do we have the book? Well, I told her that without title or author I can't tell her if we're even gonna carry it, much less if we have it right now or which place it'd be, at which point she helpfully added, "Well, it's a NEW book, and it sort of has a lot of nice pictures. . . . " Sounds great. THAT'S the information I can use to find a book for sure. I ended up abandoning her to browse through the astronomy section. I doubt she found anything, considering if it came out TODAY we haven't put anything new on the shelf yet because our shipment isn't sorted yet. But that's another story entirely.
I was arranging some shipment for easy shelving for the Kids' department when way back in the back of the section I heard someone say loudly, "Hello." Pause. "How are you today?" I didn't hear anyone answering back, so I figured some guy in the back of the store is friggin' talking on his cell phone again, wanting the whole world to know he's got friends. But then I heard him repeat that, and it was somewhat closer to me, maybe three shelves away. "Hello. How are you today?" Maybe he has a bad connection, or something, I'm thinking. I picked up a stack of books and turned around to shelve them, but then I hear right next to me, "HELLO. I'M TALKING TO YOU." OHHHKAY then! Whoa! Why was he saying hello and asking me how I am from the BACK of the store? And yelling it from behind me instead of, say, coming into my personal space and maybe saying "excuse me" with eye contact or something? Wow. Just so you know in real life it was a lot more bizarre than it sounds here. (From there it was fine, I just helped him find a book, but damn, that gave me the willies.)
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