Asexuality Top Ten

#3: "You are a lesbian."

Yes, this one comes up quite often. Usually brought up by people who can't comprehend not having SOME sort of sexual attraction. "Oh, you don't like men? I see, you must like women." One or the other. This or that. You know that there aren't just two choices, right? The fact that I'm not turned on by men does NOT make me a closet lesbian. I have also had no sexual attraction toward any female person. In this day and age, it is moderately accepted to be gay, and my family is accepting; I like to think that if I did have some inclination towards lesbianism, I'd act on it. But just like my heterosexual feelings, they don't exist. Oh, and by the way . . . if I ever *do* realize I'm a lesbian, NO, you can't watch.

Most people can at least sort of understand when I put it like this: If you are a man and you have always been attracted to women, how do you "know" that you aren't gay? Probably because you never looked at a guy and thought, "Hey, I really want a piece of that." You've never seen them in a sexual context. You've never been turned on by the idea of sex with them or even thought about it except maybe in a joking sense followed by guffawing with your friends. But how do you KNOW? You never tried it, so how the hell are you so sure you're heterosexual?

Because you just *know*, right? If you were gay, you would have . . . wanted it at some point, right? But you haven't. And you sure as hell know it in your very core. And while the idea of it in a remote sense doesn't disgust you (well, maybe it does, I don't know), the idea of someone proposing it to you or attempting to engage in it with you would probably make you feel at best alienated and at worst sickened.

This is how all propositions of sex sound to ME.

Weird. Not interesting. No thank you.

If you can imagine that response, thought process, and feeling happening with me in proposed sex with ANYONE, you might be able to understand at least a little bit why I am so sure about myself. Because I have that exact same feeling, that same certainty. I can't say it won't change. But I doubt it.

Since it's somewhat related, I'd like to talk about sexual feelings in general. Usually people suggest I'm a lesbian because they can't imagine that I *don't* get horny, so they make up an alternative sexuality for me and assume I'm repressed. But I know there are people who are abstinent--people with no desire to sleep with others--who nevertheless have erotic fantasies and whatnot, and tend to--shall we say--take care of it themselves, perfectly content. Some might say these people should be called "autosexuals," since according to them it *is* a sexual behavior but it doesn't involve others. But asexuality is pretty broad; the main point is that regardless of what a proclaimed asexual person does masturbation-wise, it isn't because of being interested in another person that way.

Masturbation actually is not necessarily sexual in some people's minds, and not being SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO OTHERS is what defines asexuality, not masturbation habits. I've heard "do you masturbate?" and "do you have orgasms?" almost as often as "are you a lesbian?" and usually it's framed in disbelief and shock by one of the IM Jerks or something, but I've also gotten it from plain old curious parties and it's a legitimate question. But I just generally don't get "horny" (though I can recognize the aesthetics of particularly pretty people), and am not interested in any kind of sexual contact--even the safest form of all.

Watch me discuss this topic on YouTube