This is the last damn time I tell this story. I’m serious this time. I’m really sick of telling it. Okay, here’s the deal. I’m supposed to be this goddess, right? I’ve already told that part. How God had him a one-night stand with my mom and got me out of it. Right? Yeah, well, I only figured this out like last year and ever since then I just been sittin’ around waitin’ for somebody to do somethin’ about it. I mean, I got no clue what I’m supposed to do, so I just hoped I’d happen to meet another kid whose mom got to do the nasty with our Heavenly Father. Then maybe they could tell me what’s up. Anyway, what happened was I did finally meet somebody like that. And let me tell you, he was one cocky asshole. I suppose I owe all this shit to him for helpin’ me out, but he didn’t have to be such a dick about everything. Now I like watching him squirm.

       This guy’s name was David. Fucking religious name, so he’s got one up on me. My name weren’t never in the Bible. I met him at a bus stop. I was just sitting there and this guy started talkin’ to me about God. I used to just tell those guys to go fuck themselves, but ever since I figured out God was my dad, I decided I might want to pay some attention to the people who’d read his book, since I hadn’t bothered. This guy wasn’t full of screaming hell and brimstone, so it was pretty easy to listen to him. He was straight up with me. Finally he told me God was his dad, and I asked him if he was everybody’s dad or just a few people’s. That was when he started lookin’ at me funny. I think we figured it out at about the same time.

       He wasn’t my brother. He didn’t fucking act like a brother. I decided to let myself think of him as my half-assed half-brother. What was so annoying about this motherfucker is that he acted like I was supposed to know everything he did. He knew lotsa Bible stuff and I actually felt shitty that I didn’t know any, and then I felt really pissed off that he made me feel shitty about something that dumb. So I told him off and he just blinked at me. Just blinked. I wanted to punch that cocksucker’s face in. But I didn’t, because when he said one thing too much, I hauled off and tried to hit him, and nothing happened. There was something weird about him that wouldn’t let me hit him.

       I asked him about it ’cause it scared me, and he said that all the children of God have certain things they’re always protected against, and then certain ways to fight against evil. I laughed about that since he made this shit sound like a comic book. So he told me he figured out that he can’t get hurt by people trying to kick his ass, and what he can do to fight back is put them to sleep. I didn’t know what he meant, so he showed me on his cat. Just snapped his fingers and the fucker went to sleep. I thought that was pretty freaky. Then he asked me about me.

       I told him I didn’t have any powers, and he laughed and acted like I was stupid for not knowing what I could do yet. I wanted to punch him again but this time I didn’t want to try, ’cause I knew I wouldn’t be able to. He made all kinds of fun of me, and I really hated him for being such a dick, but I’m glad he was, since I never woulda figured out what I was good at if he hadn’t pissed me off.

       The second I figured out that I couldn’t do anything to make him shut up like I could with anyone else, I got madder than I ever have been in my whole life. All the times my friends made fun of me for not getting drunk with them, all the times when my mom gave me money and told me to go play, all the times I’d ever been mad at anybody, that was nothin’. I felt like I’d just gotten some shit and then found out the dealer screwed me. And the worst thing was that I didn’t know why the hell I was so mad. I just was. The next thing I knew that guy David had his hair on fire.

       Once that happened, David told me he figured I did it somehow. At first I thought he was full of shit but it turned out he was right. He bitched at me day and night until I learned how to set shit on fire any time I wanted to. He probably shouldn’t a encouraged me that much ’cause now it’s too easy. Once I learned how to do it, I set stuff on fire alla time. That was the shit. I’d never really been much of a pyro before but now all I wanted to do was watch stuff burn up and smell the different kinds of smoke. I did that a lot, it was almost like a habit once I got used to it. Set shit on fire in school and everything. It was really cool. Coulda lit all my friends’ cigarettes for ’em if they hadn’t been fucking scared of me by now.

       David says this whole fire thing is “ironic.” I don’t pretend to know what he means, but I think I kinda get the idea. It’s like, fire can be a really destructive thing, and here I am being a goddess and burning shit up alla time. And fire’s one of those things they have in hell, and all that other bullshit. It doesn’t make much sense to have a pyromaniac for a goddess. So I’m living in a fucking Stephen King novel, but I don’t knock it.

       The truth is, it felt really good finally knowing there was somethin’ I could do that nobody else could. I’d just never felt actually special in my whole life, and now it was like I was some kinda superhero, really. It was almost like a dream, it still is, but I wake up alla time and nothin’s ever different. So even though this whole fire thing ain’t good for all that much ’cept scaring people and burning stuff up, I still like it a lot. It makes me feel really good about myself the way drugs and sex and hurting myself never did. Maybe it was because I was fucking myself over. Now I’m fucking shit up.

       This guy David told me I should start listenin’ to God. I didn’t really know what to say ’cause I didn’t really think I was being that bad. I was just havin’ fun. David told me I needed to learn “moderation,” one of his fancy little fuckhead words. I told him to go to hell. He kinda had to shut up then ’cause it’s not like he’s immune to my fire or nothin’. He’s not used to havin’ ta shut up for nobody. But his hair burns like anybody else’s. I like watching it burn but it smells like shit. Well, not really. Shit smells different when it’s on fire.

       David keeps trying to tell me what I need to be doing. I figure he’s served his purpose in my life. I don’t need to listen to him no more. He’s just annoying and he’s trying to play daddy. I don’t know why the fuck he cares. Maybe he’s all sad that I don’t have a daddy here on Earth, just the way he doesn’t. Well, he can fuck himself. He made me mad at the right time and now I found something cool I can do. It’s better than having a gun, ’cause nobody can see it. Nobody’s expectin’ it, ya know? Nobody can tell if you’re gonna set their hair on fire. Or their clothes. That’s amusing. I like setting shit on fire. Sometimes I can make it spell rude shit on people’s grass. David says “arson” is a crime. I say he’s a waste of space. He says I’m gonna get caught. I say I’ll burn my way out. Besides, nobody’s gonna notice. This is New York. Things go up in smoke alla time.

       Well, what happened was I did sorta get caught. ’Cause I wasn’t afraid of setting shit on fire in front of people or nothin’. I liked to show people, I didn’t care who they told. But I guess word got around to the wrong people ’cause some official-looking pricks fucking came to my house. They didn’t accuse me of burning down any buildings . . . which I haven’t—yet—but they did want to question me about some crap. I wanted to kick them out but I just pretended not to know anything. They went away, it wasn’t like there was anything they could do.

       People I don’t even know keep comin’ up to me and askin’ me about shit now. I’m so bored of talking about it, I wish I’d been smart enough to not just up and tell people I’m the daughter of God. I didn’t used to mind but now I know if I had just kept my mouth shut people wouldn’t be all over me now. But thing is, I always tell them the truth. I guess it’s my own warped little sense of what’s right. I can set rats on fire and burn people’s hair off for no reason, but I can’t lie. I don’t like to lie, it’s a lot wronger than just having fun. Besides, I figured out that if I was really doin’ somethin’ all that bad, I woulda been punished by now or something.

       David says I just have to wait until God gets around to punishing me. That man is so full of shit. I think my dad loves me just fine. Maybe the old bastard’ll ground me, huh? Whatever. It’s not like he ever laid me any ground rules. I said that to David and he told me he did and they were called the Ten Commandments. I told him to stick those up his ass. I wasn’t disobeying none of those. Not far as I know anyway. I try to honor my mother and father but my mom is just a weepy drunk whore and my dad’s the fucking King of the Universe, he doesn’t have time for me. How the hell can I honor my father and mother when both of them ignore me? I think I’ll start listening to God when he starts talking.

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