This is the last damn time I tell this story. Iím serious this time. Iím really sick of telling it. Okay, hereís the deal. Iím supposed to be this goddess, right? Iíve already told that part. How God had him a one-night stand with my mom and got me out of it. Right? Yeah, well, I only figured this out like last year and ever since then I just been sittiní around waitiní for somebody to do somethiní about it. I mean, I got no clue what Iím supposed to do, so I just hoped Iíd happen to meet another kid whose mom got to do the nasty with our Heavenly Father. Then maybe they could tell me whatís up. Anyway, what happened was I did finally meet somebody like that. And let me tell you, he was one cocky asshole. I suppose I owe all this shit to him for helpiní me out, but he didnít have to be such a dick about everything. Now I like watching him squirm.
This guyís name was David. Fucking religious name, so heís got one up on me. My name werenít never in the Bible. I met him at a bus stop. I was just sitting there and this guy started talkiní to me about God. I used to just tell those guys to go fuck themselves, but ever since I figured out God was my dad, I decided I might want to pay some attention to the people whoíd read his book, since I hadnít bothered. This guy wasnít full of screaming hell and brimstone, so it was pretty easy to listen to him. He was straight up with me. Finally he told me God was his dad, and I asked him if he was everybodyís dad or just a few peopleís. That was when he started lookiní at me funny. I think we figured it out at about the same time.
He wasnít my brother. He didnít fucking act like a brother. I decided to let myself think of him as my half-assed half-brother. What was so annoying about this motherfucker is that he acted like I was supposed to know everything he did. He knew lotsa Bible stuff and I actually felt shitty that I didnít know any, and then I felt really pissed off that he made me feel shitty about something that dumb. So I told him off and he just blinked at me. Just blinked. I wanted to punch that cocksuckerís face in. But I didnít, because when he said one thing too much, I hauled off and tried to hit him, and nothing happened. There was something weird about him that wouldnít let me hit him.
I asked him about it ícause it scared me, and he said that all the children of God have certain things theyíre always protected against, and then certain ways to fight against evil. I laughed about that since he made this shit sound like a comic book. So he told me he figured out that he canít get hurt by people trying to kick his ass, and what he can do to fight back is put them to sleep. I didnít know what he meant, so he showed me on his cat. Just snapped his fingers and the fucker went to sleep. I thought that was pretty freaky. Then he asked me about me.
I told him I didnít have any powers, and he laughed and acted like I was stupid for not knowing what I could do yet. I wanted to punch him again but this time I didnít want to try, ícause I knew I wouldnít be able to. He made all kinds of fun of me, and I really hated him for being such a dick, but Iím glad he was, since I never woulda figured out what I was good at if he hadnít pissed me off.
The second I figured out that I couldnít do anything to make him shut up like I could with anyone else, I got madder than I ever have been in my whole life. All the times my friends made fun of me for not getting drunk with them, all the times when my mom gave me money and told me to go play, all the times Iíd ever been mad at anybody, that was nothiní. I felt like Iíd just gotten some shit and then found out the dealer screwed me. And the worst thing was that I didnít know why the hell I was so mad. I just was. The next thing I knew that guy David had his hair on fire.
Once that happened, David told me he figured I did it somehow. At first I thought he was full of shit but it turned out he was right. He bitched at me day and night until I learned how to set shit on fire any time I wanted to. He probably shouldnít a encouraged me that much ícause now itís too easy. Once I learned how to do it, I set stuff on fire alla time. That was the shit. Iíd never really been much of a pyro before but now all I wanted to do was watch stuff burn up and smell the different kinds of smoke. I did that a lot, it was almost like a habit once I got used to it. Set shit on fire in school and everything. It was really cool. Coulda lit all my friendsí cigarettes for íem if they hadnít been fucking scared of me by now.
David says this whole fire thing is ďironic.Ē I donít pretend to know what he means, but I think I kinda get the idea. Itís like, fire can be a really destructive thing, and here I am being a goddess and burning shit up alla time. And fireís one of those things they have in hell, and all that other bullshit. It doesnít make much sense to have a pyromaniac for a goddess. So Iím living in a fucking Stephen King novel, but I donít knock it.
The truth is, it felt really good finally knowing there was somethiní I could do that nobody else could. Iíd just never felt actually special in my whole life, and now it was like I was some kinda superhero, really. It was almost like a dream, it still is, but I wake up alla time and nothinís ever different. So even though this whole fire thing ainít good for all that much ícept scaring people and burning stuff up, I still like it a lot. It makes me feel really good about myself the way drugs and sex and hurting myself never did. Maybe it was because I was fucking myself over. Now Iím fucking shit up.
This guy David told me I should start listeniní to God. I didnít really know what to say ícause I didnít really think I was being that bad. I was just haviní fun. David told me I needed to learn ďmoderation,Ē one of his fancy little fuckhead words. I told him to go to hell. He kinda had to shut up then ícause itís not like heís immune to my fire or nothiní. Heís not used to haviní ta shut up for nobody. But his hair burns like anybody elseís. I like watching it burn but it smells like shit. Well, not really. Shit smells different when itís on fire.
David keeps trying to tell me what I need to be doing. I figure heís served his purpose in my life. I donít need to listen to him no more. Heís just annoying and heís trying to play daddy. I donít know why the fuck he cares. Maybe heís all sad that I donít have a daddy here on Earth, just the way he doesnít. Well, he can fuck himself. He made me mad at the right time and now I found something cool I can do. Itís better than having a gun, ícause nobody can see it. Nobodyís expectiní it, ya know? Nobody can tell if youíre gonna set their hair on fire. Or their clothes. Thatís amusing. I like setting shit on fire. Sometimes I can make it spell rude shit on peopleís grass. David says ďarsonĒ is a crime. I say heís a waste of space. He says Iím gonna get caught. I say Iíll burn my way out. Besides, nobodyís gonna notice. This is New York. Things go up in smoke alla time.
Well, what happened was I did sorta get caught. íCause I wasnít afraid of setting shit on fire in front of people or nothiní. I liked to show people, I didnít care who they told. But I guess word got around to the wrong people ícause some official-looking pricks fucking came to my house. They didnít accuse me of burning down any buildings . . . which I havenítóyetóbut they did want to question me about some crap. I wanted to kick them out but I just pretended not to know anything. They went away, it wasnít like there was anything they could do.
People I donít even know keep cominí up to me and askiní me about shit now. Iím so bored of talking about it, I wish Iíd been smart enough to not just up and tell people Iím the daughter of God. I didnít used to mind but now I know if I had just kept my mouth shut people wouldnít be all over me now. But thing is, I always tell them the truth. I guess itís my own warped little sense of whatís right. I can set rats on fire and burn peopleís hair off for no reason, but I canít lie. I donít like to lie, itís a lot wronger than just having fun. Besides, I figured out that if I was really doiní somethiní all that bad, I woulda been punished by now or something.
David says I just have to wait until God gets around to punishing me. That man is so full of shit. I think my dad loves me just fine. Maybe the old bastardíll ground me, huh? Whatever. Itís not like he ever laid me any ground rules. I said that to David and he told me he did and they were called the Ten Commandments. I told him to stick those up his ass. I wasnít disobeying none of those. Not far as I know anyway. I try to honor my mother and father but my mom is just a weepy drunk whore and my dadís the fucking King of the Universe, he doesnít have time for me. How the hell can I honor my father and mother when both of them ignore me? I think Iíll start listening to God when he starts talking.
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