Let's have some comments, shall we?

Woo-hoo, yay for opinionated jackoffs on Reddit!

First off, this essay was first posted many years ago, and a few things have changed since then so the version on this page is updated to reflect that. However, I posted the earlier version on's the link--and it mentions living in a college town and going to anime meetings (neither of which I do now). This version was linked on Reddit by someone who obviously wanted to showcase it for everyone to make fun of . . . and make fun of it they did.

Yup. Over a hundred comments on my obvious loserhood. Very few of them justified what they were saying, and most of them sought to point out my pathetic-ness by highlighting things I do as if my nerdosity is self-evident because I do them. (Think "OMG. She likes Putt-Putt. LOSER!!!!")

Anyway, I was surprised and a little bit annoyed by this response--especially since I didn't know about the link until a month after it was posted, at which point I noticed the link from Reddit was really high in my websites's "linked-to" stats and I didn't know what it was--but overall it just kinda makes me think the people who read my article didn't get the point. I'll elaborate. I always do! ::laughs::

My thesis statement in the article posted should be taken as such:

"'Partying' is not the ONLY way to have fun. Stop assuming I'm a loser because I don't like it."

I then supported my statement in two ways: I listed the things *I* don't like about clubs and/or partying, and then I listed the reasons that clubbing/partying can be thought of as silly from a disinterested person's point of view. Readers should note that I specifically stated that "club-obsessed" and "bar-hopper" do not equal "loser" to me--necessarily--and that my main complaint is their ATTITUDE toward me when I truthfully claim not to enjoy their pursuits.

Furthermore, many of the things I do with my time while others are partying can be considered constructive (e.g., writing books, creating websites), even though I make the point that I also "go out" just to have fun (to meetings or events with friends)--and there isn't anything wrong with that.

Basically, most of the comments on Reddit show how determined they were to miss the point of my article completely.

So, what I'm going to do NOW is outline the thrust of their comments and respond to them here--because apparently I DO have more to say on the subject. It wasn't important enough to me to necessitate joining Reddit so I could go post response comments along the lines of "nuh-uh!!!" but reading what they had to say made me realize I might not have been entirely clear. Therefore I'll let the updated article stand on its own, but leave this here in its own section just for those folks who might want clarification.


These are paraphrases (unless I quote someone), summing up the thrust of the comments they offered. I'll start with the most COMMON thing anyone said in response to the article:

::blink:: Wow!

Most of these comments were delivered with a tone of "yeah some of the other stuff she said is okay but OMG ANIME MEETINGS???? That's a deal-breaker!" Ohhh-kay then! I wasn't aware that people felt this strongly about people who like anime!

Clarification: For many years when I lived in my college town of Gainesville, Florida, I met with a group of my friends once a week for just under two hours in a local bookstore to watch Japanese animation. Then I'd go to dinner with one of the guys from the group. I no longer do so because I don't live in that city anymore. I . . . I really am at a loss to even TRY to fathom what is going through these commenters' minds if they are in such resounding agreement that doing this earns me a permanent loser certificate. If one of the commenters who harbors this opinion ever reads this, could you PLEASE explain this? Anime in general is pretty mainstream these days, so I didn't think liking it could be such a sign of loserdom . . . is it the fact that I went to a meeting about it? It's some friends and a television. Somehow I don't think I would have gotten this sort of response if I'd said I get together with my friends once a week and watch football, though, so I guess it's got to be the anime. Just seriously guys, what the fuck?


I don't really have anything to say to this. If you argue without any reasoning behind it, I don't have to have any reasoning to dismiss it. Next.

This was pretty much a suggestion that I'm in denial if I try to counter people's assumptions about me. I think in general there's a misunderstanding in our culture that denying the truth of something is the same thing as "denial," which means IT MUST ACTUALLY BE TRUE!!!! And that whole thought process is flawed. People also deny things when they are not true. As you may have guessed, when things bug me I bitch. But apparently my public bitching equals "the lady doth protest too much" according to these folks. Maybe they're expecting that if someone repeatedly says something to me (e.g., "wow, you don't go clubbing--why are you such a loser??"), my way of showing that this isn't true should be to shut up and/or say "oh well." But I have an opinion on that opinion, so . . . I stated it. That's what I do. Oh, and that's related to this:

::Shrug:: Okay. I talk a lot. Don't like it? Tired of it? Stop reading. Next!

One person said this: "She seems to ONLY like her anti-mainstream stuff and is a bit too proud about it," and another person who made a comment in this category suggested that I am one of the people who has to do everything I can to "be different," saying the following: "Remember, if you DON'T like something because everyone else does like it, you are still letting everyone else decide what you like..."

::sigh:: First off, there's nothing in that article that makes a big deal out of my being different. I highlight the non-clubbing-oriented pursuits I engage in simply to show that I am doing stuff that is either worthwhile or just as fun--mostly because people have this mistaken belief that people who AREN'T at a club on the weekend are probably at home wishing they were. Going to play mini-golf is not inherently any more worthwhile than going to a club is, and that is kind of my POINT, but I was also trying to say that I "go out" and do things sometimes too.

One person claimed that there was a difference between hanging out at home because you're just not doing anything that night and "telling yourself that you'd rather be home listening to queer ass music instead of fucking a hot ass stranger because those kind of people are losers." Ahh, I see--I'm "telling myself" that I'd rather be doing something else when everyone knows that getting laid is the only legitimate entertainment to which everyone aspires. (And if I say I don't, I'm lying. "Everyone" really is just trying to get laid.) And of course it must be that I am "home listening to queer ass music" rather than, say, all the other things I mentioned doing--for which I am paradoxically getting made fun of at the same time, by the way.

I know I can't expect everyone to freakin' read everything on my website before making an off-the-cuff comment, but I addressed that whole "Oh, you must just want to be DIFFERENT" attitude in another article. I've encountered plenty of people who get defensive when I mention liking things they've never heard of, and they seem to think I'm saying only my "queer-ass music" and whatnot is worthwhile. I'll note that I have VERY eclectic taste in everything from fashion to music, and while some of my tastes go toward things very few others recognize, some of my taste IS mainstream. But since I've said all this before, I'll just point you to my rant entitled "Being Weird," in which I ramble about my motivation for being the way I am, and why it has nothing to do with trying to get look-I'm-a-freak attention.

One person said it this way: "If you're incapable of going out and having a drink, and feel as though you have to rage on everyone else, then you're a loser." Again, there is a difference between denial and defense. I'm not "raging on" people if all they want to do is go out and have a drink. It's when they do that AND they think it's the only legitimate way to have fun--AND look down on me because of it--that I do things like write bitchy articles. That's the difference.

I think what they're saying here is that my argument loses steam when I point out some of the loserish traits of clubbers and partygoers. I said that I frown on these practices because drinking is bad for you, searching for someone to bang to the exclusion of all else is unhealthy obsessive behavior, clubbing doesn't accomplish anything, and doing it because "it's something to do" is not a very good reason. I mentioned these things because I wanted to make them aware that people outside their view have legitimate reasons for looking down on what they do, so it's not like those of us who don't "go out" are hanging our heads and feeling bad about ourselves. I think it's dumb, and those are some reasons why, but I don't necessarily think you're dumb. It's like the misconception among the "popular crowd" in high school that they are at the top of a ladder and everyone wants to be them. Little do they know that the chess club and the science club are probably making fun of their obsession with superficial issues. Not to mention that the stereotypes aren't always true; there are plenty of math club presidents with social skills and plenty of prom queens with a intellectual interests. One person said it's dumb for me to call someone "pathetic" (as I call the poon-hounds who do nothing but chase booty at clubs) if I don't want to be called pathetic myself (for going to anime meetings and poetry jams, that is). What's the difference? Oh yes, well sure they're both "entertainment." But please tell me I don't have to justify the need to have hobbies and aspirations besides looking endlessly for someone to screw? Ooh, and that leads into this:

This also highlights how little these people got the point. (FIVE people said something along the lines of the above statement.) Of course there's nothing wrong with liking those pursuits (except that everything has a down side, like the beer being bad for you). What's WRONG with it is when you like it AND you judge everyone who doesn't as a loser who wishes they could be out partying with you. That's like saying that every girl who isn't a model wishes she was one. Wow! Did it ever occur to them that it actually isn't every girl's lofty hope to one day get to try on clothes for money and be famous for their looks? And the bit about the puking? That's part of my point too. A lot of these folks who judge me as pathetic because I'm not into clubs are NOT the ones just doing it once in a while to go out and have a nice clean good time. I'm not criticizing the people who attend clubs as a healthy part of a social life. But a bunch of them are actually so hooked into it as a lifestyle that they DO drink to excess and behave in sexually irresponsible ways (meaning lying to each other to get laid, not having safe sex, etc.). In short, many of the people calling me a loser for not doing this ARE the ones who are puking. They ARE the ones who think it's admirable to talk about getting so smashed they don't remember how they ended up with this girl in their bed. Can you imagine someone talking about an incident like that to their buddies WITHOUT the shit-eating, self-satisfied, I'm-a-stud look on their face? "Aww man, I got SO wasted last night!" "I was HAMMERED, man!" "I can't even remember her NAME!" Is that GOOD? Holy shit! THESE are the people calling me a loser, guys. Not just the average joe who likes to dance and drink a little.

Ahh yes, and then there's this:

Fine then. If you believe that a person's social status is elevated because of managing to bang lots of people in the club, I won't pretend to get it. You can have this one.

How 'bout this:

Ahh, first the drinking, now the bullshit about dancing. Because you see, EVERYONE likes dancing REALLY. And if I say I don't like it, it's because of lack of experience.

This is really, really poor logic, guys.

I venture to say that YES, you need to see a movie or read a book before you decide it sucks, but overall you do NOT have to justify not really having any interest in seeing the movie or reading the book in question if you already know it to be a genre you haven't enjoyed in the past. I do not have to read every book put out by Harlequin to rightly claim that I am not a fan of romance novels. But as one person who defended me said, "I'm sure someone has managed to drag her out dancing before. 'Loser' or not, I think we can take her at her word when she says she doesn't like it." Well said. (This person also said I'm not very attractive, though, and said that because of this all the guys who approach me probably treat me like they're doing me a favor, which is why I haven't had any good experiences with this. Got me pegged I guess! But that's for later.)

Okay, we've covered the drinking and we've covered the dancing. What about the sex?

Three or four people went that route. I actually get this a lot, regardless of whether people know my sexual habits (and yeah, I know a lot of people will take that out of context and say "HA HA HA, SEE????"). Apparently it is the opinion of the masses that if only I was getting laid, my outlook would change, as per this sensitive comment:

"Bitter chicks that rant and rant and rant just need a good fuckin'. Then they become particularly humble."

Ahh yes. Got it.

None of the points I've made and supported are ACTUALLY the reasons for why I'm pissed off about this issue. Really, it's because I need to get laid. That's what everyone needs! That would fix everything! That would make me "humble"!

Oh yeah. I bet.

I can SORT OF see the argument if someone were to say a person who had been without sex for a long time might get crabby. But that is assuming the person even WANTS sex in the first place. I'm freakin' asexual. And not interested in sex. I don't look for sex, and if I am offered it I turn it down. (Luckily most people know better than to offer it if they've bothered to get to know me!) But since most people aren't going to bother to understand asexuality or me personally, I suppose it's easier to decide I act "this way" because I need a serious deep dicking, and move on with their comfort zones unshaken. Have fun over there.

. . .

Yeah, okay. It's all because really I'm insecure, so I have to attack instead of admitting it. Thank you for this stunning insight into my personality. Next.

. . .

So . . . "Drinking IS the only way to have fun! How could she think otherwise?" I . . . just don't have words for this. Next.

On to this:

I lived in a college town for ten years. The various networking and profile pages I have up list my city and state, and so when I lived in Gainesville I got IMs, e-mails, and site-specific messages from people with a particular kind of fun in mind ALL the time. For example, here's a recorded IM with some dude who randomly invited me to a party, and when I tried to figure out if I knew him or the reason why I was being invited, he seemed insulted that I wasn't overjoyed at the idea of the live DJ and beer, and treated me to such choice comments as "STAY UR HAPPY ASS HOME" and "HAVE FUN WATCHING TV," as if not coming to this party obviously meant I'd be by myself watching the boob tube. As an aside, I've got to say that people also think I'm a loser when I tell them I don't watch television. I don't have cable. I haven't since the year 2000 when I graduated college. "WUT IS WRONG WITH U, YOU DONT WATCH TV???? U R A FREAK!!!!" Umkay. Can't win, I guess.

I'm not making this up. I got comments like this regularly for about ten years. There are plenty of things to bitch about without making up pretend ones, I promise.

There was this piece of well-thought-out garbage:

Mmyep, three people said that. One phrased it like this: "Acually [sic], you're a loser cuz like every seventh word in your article is a link. Just text. That's all you need. Look into it."

A reply to that comment explained to the person exactly what I'll say here: THIS WAS POSTED ON EVERYTHING2. Everything2's format REQUIRES hyperlinks in the text. If you don't put them, your writeup gets deleted. It just happens to be how the place works.

Thing is, instead of actually, oh, maybe clicking one more article and seeing that every other thing on E2 is like that too, the people who said this are like "HA SHE'S FULL OF FAIL" because of it. Maybe that should make me happy. It shows how deeply they think about such things, and if that's all the thought and research they're giving it, I very much doubt I should care about the bullshit in the rest of their comments, right? Moving on.

And then, finally, there was a fair amount of discussion about my site and my interests. Some people actually seemed to think my page was pretty cool, like the kind soul who said this:

"Meh, cute & interesting. She puts some time into writing about herself, at least she's got things to say."

Another person agreed that I was a "fascinating woman." Nice to know.

However, by and large my page was explored and delightedly denounced by most of the commenters, who again seemed to think pointing out "OMG she does this" or "OMG she likes that" somehow automatically showed that these things contributed to my loser-ness.

Now for some really LOVELY comments regarding my appearance:

This was always said without looking at a picture, and one person phrased it as a bet (like "$900 says she's not good-looking" or something like that). Of course, the logic behind that is that a person who says getting drunk and laid at a club isn't an interesting pursuit can't possibly be pretty. If I was pretty, after all, I'd be out there getting drunk and laid with the best of them, right? Ahh, this logic is impeccable. These people should be lawyers.

But then there were some who bothered to look, and they said this:

Two people just plain said I was fugly. One saw me in my Ren Faire costume and wondered aloud if I was "cosplaying as an ugly woman." Um, thanks! One said I was "clearly a skank" based on this picture, and one said I was "hideously ugly" based on this picture. I guess maybe because I was wearing a spaghetti-strap thing in the first one and my bra strap was showing, that is the basis for the diagnosis of "skank" there, but to tell you the truth, there are a LOT worse pictures of me on my site than the one featuring me in a lumpy sweater wearing costume earrings that came with my princess tiara set.

Then one person said this:

"From the various pictures that have been discovered, she's clearly not what you might call conventionally attractive. I'd wager the guys who hit on her aren't that good looking themselves yet assume she's desperate and easy. A guy she finds attractive who goes about it the right way (not acting like he's doing her a favor) would probably have some success."

I know. Clearly I am rather disgusting. Which is the reason I have nobody worthwhile hitting on me (and remember, the way we judge "worthwhile" in our mates is physical attractiveness). If I was prettier, CUTE guys would hit on me and I would change my tune. Wow, if I had ever had an experience like he is describing and wasn't asexual and uninterested, this would be right on! Next.

Two more comment categories on my appearance showed up which WEREN'T insults:

Three people expressed approval of my looks and some posted photos. At least they're not all jerks who think calling me ugly is a good way to make my article look stupid.

Er, and bizarrely, then there was this:

This gal wrote a blog post about them. Wowwww.

Well, I've deconstructed everything I care to, and now I'm done. If you want to comment, please do so using the form on the previous page.