I'm a loser? So going to loud parties, dancing, getting drunk, getting laid, and puking your guts out afterwards makes you a winner?

[This essay was posted by someone else and puked on at Reddit. See links to comments, and my response.]

I'm tired of it. I run into this attitude all over the place. Here it is, folks, the absolute truth: A LARGE PERCENTAGE OF THE POPULATION THINKS THAT IF YOU DO NOT REGULARLY ATTEND CERTAIN TYPES OF SOCIAL GATHERINGS, YOU ARE AUTOMATICALLY A LOSER. Pure and simple.

Maybe it's just because I lived in a college town for ten years, but I am VERY over getting judged constantly because of my disinterest in mainstream party styles. I get it all the time from guys: "Don't you 'go out'?" Sure I go out. To poetry readings. To movies. To friends' houses, the mall, restaurants. To play dancing games, hell, I don't know. But when I tell people the places I frequent when I leave my house, I am met with something like this: "No, I mean GO OUT, like clubs! Don't you have a LIFE??" Strange . . . these people don't consider my form of entertainment "real" entertainment. I am judged by these people as "not having a life" because I do not like to go to clubs or large beer-bash parties.

It seems as though these people think I'm just not cool enough because I prefer poetry readings and one-on-one activities with friends to their raging keggers. When they hear I don't go to these, they immediately assume I'm socially inept, nerdy, a computer dork, probably fat and ugly and a big bitch besides, and very bitter about it surely. If people are not into the club scene they are automatically a complete dork and are "missing real life." I have had people regard me with pity and incredulous stares when I answer truthfully that I'd rather just hang out at home and make homemade bread or go to a movie with a friend . . . when I am offered the chance to go to a club or party and I refuse, people are like, "WHAT?? Why???" Why would I rather be inside than "out" at a club? Why do I choose to engage in creative pursuits rather than get drunk every weekend? Why does my sorry ass choose building websites as a hobby in favor of mate-swapping? I'll tell you.

The reasons I don't like clubs

  1. They're loud. I have very sensitive ears and I don't like music to be so loud that it literally vibrates the walls. I like to be able to hear my friends talk to me without screaming. I like waking up the next morning without my ears ringing.

  2. They usually play music I don't like. On the whole, anyway. I have rather obscure taste in music, and unless clubs have started playing Weird Al or Suzanne Vega when I wasn't looking, I have little interest. I am exposed to "the music of today" through friends and acquaintances and generally have little to no interest in it.

  3. I don't like to drink. I am four feet eleven inches tall (149 cm) and I don't weigh much, and am female. In case you don't know what I'm getting at, that makes me liable to get VERY drunk VERY quickly on VERY little. (Women generally lack a certain enzyme in their stomachs that men have--it helps to process alcohol.) I also do not have a history of drinking and therefore have built up little tolerance--nor do I want to. I don't enjoy the feeling of being drunk, and furthermore I do not need to be drunk in order to function socially. Not to mention that I don't very much enjoy being around drunk people . . . they're ridiculous, though funny to watch--from a distance. And even though people sometimes tell me drinking helps loosen up and let your hair down . . . I don't have a problem with doing that WITHOUT being intoxicated! I don't need to be under the influence of a substance to "be myself" because I am not afraid of who I am, or of sharing that "me" with others.

  4. I don't like to dance, except to be goofy sometimes, unless it's on the DDR machine. I'm not a dancer, alone or with others. Being asked to dance doesn't float my boat, and I probably wouldn't know what to do if someone did ask. This also ties into the fact that I don't like the music (mentioned above), so it doesn't inspire me to move at all. It's just not my thing--some people get annoyed with me over this, asking, "How could you not want to dance when the music is playing?" I suppose it's the same reason hearing a beautiful song doesn't make some of THOSE people want to write poetry: WE'RE DIFFERENT.

  5. I AM NOT LOOKING FOR A MAN AND FURTHERMORE REALLY DESPISE BEING HIT ON. Many people go to clubs to "hook up." The people who go to clubs to "hook up" often assume that everyone else is there for the same thing, and use this (and alcohol) as their excuse to shamelessly hit on everyone who appeals to them. I get hit on enough without going someplace that doubles as a meat market; sad as it is, many people would assume I was asking for it.

So, in a nutshell, I hate a lot of things about clubs, find them boring, and have better things to do with my time. These reasons seem to make no difference to the people who can't understand why I don't "go out." They insist that because I don't like this stuff, I must not know how to have a "good time." Well, thank you very much, but a poetry reading IS a "good time" for me, as is chatting with a friend, going bowling, or playing tennis. That doesn't make me a loser. That makes me different from those people. And believe it or not, *I* happen to think that plenty of *them* are losers, so it goes both ways. There is not a clear-cut definition of loserhood here, fellas . . . you may be thinking I'm a loser for not "clubbing," but I'm sitting here thinking just as badly of you. Here's why.

  1. Drinking is bad for you. Yes, we all know that beer is not an especially healthy beverage and that it damages your liver and whatnot. But it's bad for you as a person, too. It inhibits your perceptions and makes you a slobbering idiot when you drink too much. Lots of people say they need to drink to "relax," but I think that if you feel you *need* to drink in order to "be yourself," then there IS no "yourself" and you probably need to do some soul-searching instead of beer-drinking. And what do I get when I say I don't drink? "What are you, some kind of straight-edge prude?" Um . . . no, I just like my reality the way it is, thanks. . . . I'm FINE with it if you enjoy drinking, getting drunk, and even occasionally getting smashed, but there's no reason to mock me because I don't.

  2. It's pathetic when you spend every weekend of your life searching for someone to bang. Sure, some people who are looking for a mate are looking for "the real thing," but some are just looking for sex, and even those who are looking for a long-term relationship and eventual marriage are *really* barking up the wrong tree when they're looking for their future spouse in a damn bar. It bugs me when people have an all-consuming need to find a significant other, but that is really another story--all I'll say now is that I think "looking for a mate" is a lot less likely to work than just naturally dating someone who has something in common with you.

  3. What does "clubbing" accomplish, anyway? Okay, it's fun. I buy that! That's a perfectly good reason to do it, just like it's a perfectly good reason for me to play ping-pong. But you must admit that other than being fun, it does not accomplish anything except emptying your wallet, filling your stomach with beer if you're so inclined, and possibly allowing you to score. If those things are among your goals, okay . . . but when you laugh at me, saying, "Oh my God, what a loser you are . . . sitting home to write BOOKS while I'm out there partying!" . . . well, let's just think for a second and figure out which one of us will have something to be proud of at the end of the night.

  4. "It's something to do." I think a lot of people go out to clubs because they're bored and they want to have some fun. Putting aside any judgments I have on whose fun is better, let me just say that I am almost NEVER bored because I need little more than my own brain to be entertained for hours. I think that if you don't at least sometimes do something creative, or at least something *varied*, you're not making the most of your life. You don't have to do what I do (e.g., write, create homepages, whatever) to be creative, but I don't think you're justified in calling me a big loser when every weekend your agenda includes getting drunk in a loud club and trying to get laid because "it's something to do."

Anyway, my apologies to anyone who's offended by this . . . I honestly don't consider someone a loser just because they like clubs or kegger bashes, even if they like to go to them often. But if they believe there's just no other way to have fun, no other acceptable entertainment than guzzling intoxicating liquid in a vibrating room with scantily clad hormone receptacles, I just can't respect them. In other words, okay, have your fun, but leave me out of it, and keep your judgments to yourself. I only consider you a loser if you're unable to acknowledge anyone else's choices as legitimate. It's amazing to me that people see me staying home on a weekend and feel pity, assuming I'm a sad, shy little nerd because I'm not "going out" when the truth is "going out" wouldn't make me happy. I am content with my life and going clubbing is not going to suddenly make it more meaningful, I'm sorry. If you want to call me a loser, go for it, but you'd better do it to my face, because I'll be standing there holding a mirror.

Someone put a link to this and a bunch of mean comments at Reddit. It's not worth going into HERE, but if you want to see that crap and what I thought of it, there's an answering page here.

Any comments left here are PUBLIC. If you are not comfortable with that, mail me directly.

Email address:

Comments from others:

Alejandro: I could not resist and make a comment, since I liked your style and subject of writing. I've been having a Difficult time searching for people like you, except for the reason 5 bit :-)
It would be cool to chat with someone like you, so if you like, please do send me an email or add me to msn, if you have it
Ps: I like reading and writing poetry (Byron, Blake, some T.S. Eliot...) and prose (Bradbury, Simac, Lem...)
Anyway, good luck, and thanks for writing this complaint :-)

Mikey: I agree with you on this from experience I have had my time with the drinking and it does nothing for you I am so much more content with having control and doing what I choose instead of dealing with what is the in thing to do so (Go against the grain until the end) yes I will. I am my own person. World it is time to wake up.

Roxie: Hi, remember me? I left a comment at the asexuality topic. Belive it or not, one of my Ex-friends thought exact same thing in you're title. Even when she was recovering from surgery, she stopped at the bar and drank 3 shots yeigermiesters at 2 in the morning. What a stupid bitch. I find it hard to believe that we were best friends in 5th grade. She criticizes me for still being in school yet after 4 years of college she becomes ........a manicurist! I'm trying focus my life on becoming a writer, I've earned a membership in Phi theta kappa, I volunteer in several shelters, and I'm the one being criticized?! Yeah? who's living in dream world now?

Sorry, that's alot of steam to let off. Keep up with this site, it's a good one. :)

Lauralot: I completely agree. I hate loud music, dancing, flirting, and just the general atmosphere of parties. It really bothers me that people think there's something strange about this.

Azurite: Hello!

I share a lot of your views, and I like the way you're outspoken about everything.

Well, partying is also not my top priority, but I personally do like it very much, albeit not for the reasons most people go out for.

I started going out at 21 (I'm 24 now) before I just wasn't interested in that kind of stuff at all, in favor of all kinds of nerd stuff. Anime, games, books, you name it.

Lately though, I have changed quite a bit (haven't given up old interests but gained some new), especially from a total non-dancer to an ecstatic dancer. I get a lot out of it and in a way I love the attention when I dance, too, but never ever in a sexual way. I'm creeped out by that, but if someone just likes the way I look or move, I can appreciate that.

I don't need to drink alcohol when going out. There are some alcoholic drinks I like, but because of their taste, not because of the amount of alcohol they contain.

I am most definitely NOT looking for any kind of fling or relationship (well, I am in one now, but that just happened without me looking for it) when going out. I do it all for the purpose of my fun. Yes, I am such a selfish person. My asexuality (or nonsexuality, as you call it) just helps me in being focussed in what I really like, not what some intrinsic ancient urge might tell me to like and waste my time with.

Now I also like to express my creativity in my clothing and make-up (Compared to earlier times, where I only liked to draw and write poetry. Now I view adorning myself quite the same way as I view painting a picture. I'm a perfectionist either way). I'm partly goth, but always trying to be flexible and atypical because the goth culture in itself isn't the most creative anymore, too. So even if I get weird looks, I might show up in all white in my local club where all wears black, or in all black, just what I like. I like to play with clichés, sometimes falling into them, sometimes not, and it confuses people SO much. I wonder why, can they not get it into their heads that a person doesn't have to be the same all the time? Have those people no moods?

Well, that will be growing into a rant if I don't cut it off here.
Actually I just wanted to state my approval of your views.

Oh, and if there's some problem with my grammar or spelling or weird words, which I hope not (I'm quite the grammar freak, too), mind that I am of Austrian origin. I speak German and English is my second language (which I learned mostly via the Net, movies and books), but I might be a bit out of practice since lately I haven't been doing much in English.

Synesthesia: Hello. You seem cool and interesting. I liked your points about the Inheritance series which is way worse than Twilight which was at least entertaining with interesting twists on the supernatural and it didn't make me repeat stupid lines in the bathroom and make me feel like throwing the book into the stream. But that is unrelated to your rant on parties. I agree with you. I hate parties. Loud things. I don't like to drink more than a tiny amount of weak whimpy sweet wine since beer tastes putrid. I don't want to get drunk. I want to remember things and be aware of my surroundings. I don't want to hook up with random strangers either and would rather stay home and read a good book while listening to music and playing a pointless game.

However, Dir en grey concerts are an exception to my hatred of crowds because I love Dir en grey.

Pedro: 1. As I tend to say, "if you need to be drunk not to be bored, are you really 'having fun' in the first place?

2. Whoa, hold up, hold up. There is a 'myself', but he is painfully shy and hates making a fool of himself/having everyone stare, so he usually shuts his mouth and holds it in. I get drunk (or used to) in order to let my inner, interesting-and-attractive side out and stifle the dorky-boring-and-shy side. Quite simply, I'm dull when I'm sober. So yeah, I need to drink to NOT be myself, if that makes sense.

Eliina: I think that if people pointlessly mock your choice of time spending, it's because:
1: your lifestyle makes them insecure about how they spend their time, so they feel
the need to feel better about themselves by bringing you down. Or
2: they simply enjoy putting others down for no reason (yes, these people exist).