Kristin: I'm asexual as well. I found your website on another asexual website.

A lot (or all of it really) of what you've written I can agree with. People seem to not even try to understand it. I haven't come out to anyone in real life except for a friend and my mother. Both think it's just a phase. I'm 20 though and have felt this way for as long as I can remember. My mom doesn't even think asexuality is real. I think she's in denial.

Hopefully soon people will be able to understand more about asexuality and see that we are normal people and that asexuality isn't a choice. It's something we were born with. Just like other people were born straight, gay or bisexual.

Chelsey: Greetings!
I really enjoyed reading this article!! Wow, it is seriously great. In my life, I never thought much about sex (and still don't). And if I did/do, it was from a very science-biology angle, or in other words a very academic point-of-view. And since I am not "interested" in sex like everyone else that I hang out with, they ask some of the same qestions or make some of the same statements that you wrote on. They call me the "odd one". Most of my friends and family do not comperhend my view on the subject.

Thanks for writing such a very well informed article, on a topic that is not mentioned on the norm.

Megg: I find it funny how you insist you are not interested in sexual activity, yet the topic of sexuality seems to be a prevalent one in your conversation with men. (Or so it seems from your Asexuality essay) You seem to enjoy poking fun at the countless number of men who have offered themselves to you, etc etc (which, in fact, makes you seem terribly stuck-up). I pretty much categorized myself as a non-sexual female for a huge part of my life, especially after my mom gingerly asked me if I was a lesbian... So I think you and I are similar in some respects. Yet, I do very much dislike the way you flaunt your non-sexuality with a tone of superiority. Also I think the essay would do much better (and be more convincing) sans the numerous claims of your attractiveness and "above-average appearance". As the photos you have posted of yourself may prove differently to different readers. i.e. Don't call yourself a rose when you are but a buttercup. Good luck and have a good life.

swankivy: When I wrote a reply to the above comment, it bounced, citing "user unknown." Guess Megg couldn't be bothered to allow a rebuttal! Well, folks, you know what happens when I'm not given the option of keeping my responses private: I post it! Here goes:

I find it funny how you insist you are not interested in sexual activity, yet the topic of sexuality seems to be a prevalent one in your conversation with men.

*I* find it funny that your comment on my essay is so full of laughable misinterpretations and premature assumptions. You're really reaching here. But on the off chance that you meant this as a constructive criticism (rather than the shallow attempt to take me down a peg that it looks like), I'll identify for you where you're mistaken and try to set you straight.

The above statement says you think it's "funny" that I insist I'm not interested in sexual activity but "yet" I seem to talk about it a lot with men. So you're suggesting that really I must be a lot more interested in it than I'm saying I am. Guess I must be *busted*! Afraid not.

So . . . explain to me how my interest in *engaging in* sex has to be related to how much I talk about it, first of all. Not that I'm saying I *do*, but I could conceivably have an *active* interest in *talking about* sex without having the slightest interest in doing it. The two have nothing to do with each other, so your veiled suggestion that I talk about it a little too much for an asexual (in an essay dedicated to the subject, even!) falls pretty far from the target.

And second of all, anyone who lives in a society as obsessed with sexuality and coupling as we do cannot deny that "thirty-year-old woman with no boyfriend/husband" is hard for people to process--the first thought in most people's minds is along the lines of " . . . well what's WRONG with her???" My essay is about just that--not what's "wrong," but what is at the root of my single-not-looking status "at my age," as they say. Are you saying you think it wouldn't naturally come up all the time? That I must constantly be leading people to talk to me about it? My asexuality essay is on my site (as one of dozens of analyses and discussions of various subjects, by the way) *because* people don't understand the concept very well and I would like to change that. It is a natural thing for people to be curious about this aspect of my life since many people have never heard of someone like me before and fewer still can really understand it without being given specific information. And I am thirty years old, so I have basically been being lectured, cross-examined, and questioned for more than half my life about this subject. That's more than enough time to have collected all I discuss and more without having spent an inordinate *percentage* of my life having done so.

You seem to enjoy poking fun at the countless number of men who have offered themselves to you, etc etc (which, in fact, makes you seem terribly stuck-up).

This is very poor phrasing. You're trying to take my "poking fun" completely out of context by suggesting they "offered themselves" to me in a respectful, acceptable way only to be rebuffed and mocked because that's how I like to get a laugh. The only outright "poking fun" of these sorts of people I have on my site is in my Cyber IMs section. Which, by definition, includes ONLY men whose crime was to approach a girl they didn't know with obscene suggestions. This is not "offering themselves" to me. This is "HEY GIRL U GOT A PIC??? AGE/SEX? WANT 2 DO PHONE?" Conversely, if someone is only curious or is respectful about attempting to woo me, he gets an honest and clear explanation of why I don't think wooing me will go anywhere. If you'd like to further explain where you can SHOW I poked fun (and I mean concretely, not "you seem to enjoy"--where? how? what did I say?) at anyone who was just being a normal dude trying to get a girl's attention, I'll be glad to discuss this "you're stuck-up" idea further. But I have no illusions of superiority based on my lack of interest in sex, and I don't believe I've presented myself as if I do. I believe that is all your misinterpretation.

I pretty much categorized myself as a non-sexual female for a huge part of my life, especially after my mom gingerly asked me if I was a lesbian... So I think you and I are similar in some respects. Yet, I do very much dislike the way you flaunt your non-sexuality with a tone of superiority. Also I think the essay would do much better (and be more convincing) sans the numerous claims of your attractiveness and "above-average appearance".

If you are putting quotes around "above-average appearance," that would indicate that that phrase is actually in my essay. It is not.

There is no mention anywhere in my asexuality essay that I am above-average in attractiveness, though I would venture to say I'm certainly not hideous. (People sometimes suggest that I say I'm not interested in sex only because I can't "get some." You would really have to be pretty fugly to never find a guy willing to bang you. That is the only context in which I mention my attractiveness.) My essay mentions my attractiveness as part of ONE of its ten main points, and it is directly applicable to the subject at hand (which would be to counter the accusations of being too ugly to get laid). The phrase I used--in parentheses to further emphasize its only slight relevance to the topic at hand--was "not to mention reasonably attractive, for the record." I do not think mentioning my physical appearance twice can be construed as "numerous claims," especially since they were specifically tailored to counter the argument.

When someone says "You're not asexual; you're just claiming to be because you don't want to admit that you're too unattractive for anyone to take pity on you and bang you," I don't think it's wrong of me to say "No, that's really not the reason." I have no glaring physical flaws and I am in good health; I am frequently mistaken for being five to ten years younger than my 30 years; I weigh under a hundred pounds and have a decent figure; and I receive e-mails and in-person comments of all kinds (from inexcusably obscene to very respectful) on the subject of my attractiveness. That doesn't mean I'm stuck-up about it. That means it is a fact. It's not inappropriate or haughty for me to counter "you're too ugly to get laid" with "plenty of people do not think so," because if I've collected even a small number of compliments on my appearance, that means I am attractive "enough" in those people's eyes. In contrast to your suggestion, I have no history of lording it over everyone that I'm so cute and nobody can have me, snickering to myself as I reject them. You are making this up and assuming that this is how I mean it when I talk about my attractiveness. I don't know what that says about *you*--some might even say making such a suggestion only betrays your own insecurity--but I won't go so far as to say such a thing because unlike you I do not pretend to have insights into other people's personalities when I am judging from such a limited slice of available material.

As the photos you have posted of yourself may prove differently to different readers. i.e. Don't call yourself a rose when you are but a buttercup. Good luck and have a good life.

I thought you should know none of your advice is applicable and I find your wish for "good luck" and "a good life" rather insincere. It seems more likely you did NOT write this comment with anything approaching my best interests in mind. Considering I have no place in my essay that metaphorically claims I am "a rose," I think it's inappropriate for you to contact me in the spirit of giving me a much-needed talking-to. You've just sent me a lecture scolding me for things I did not do. I hope you understand that these imagined attitudes of mine are your own constructions.

I would like to state, for the record, that I have no problem with being criticized if it's *warranted*. For instance, if my essay *had* been filled with "numerous" claims of my attractiveness, it would be appropriate for you to tell me I would seem less stuck-up if I removed them. But I have shot this back to you pointing out that I mention my physical appearance all of twice in the essay, and that furthermore neither of those instances suggest that I think I am anything more than "reasonably attractive." Therefore, I found the criticism baseless, and have to wonder what you're *really* reacting to if you are remembering it as being loaded with appearance-related delusions of grandeur on my part. I value any and all attempts to make my writing clearer, more accurate, and more accessible to my readers, so if you DID have a valid claim I wouldn't mind hearing it. I'm reacting with "no, I think you're wrong" not because I want to be right at any cost, but because I honestly don't see in my essay what you appear to see (based on your analysis). I've blathered all this to you because it's common when I counteract someone's view that they shoot back with "you just can't stand to be criticized!!!" Which isn't true. I welcome constructive criticism, but simply don't see that your comment is in that category. Nobody is going to change their attitude if you don't submit your ideas in a respectful, well-supported manner devoid of not-very-veiled insults (i.e. "you are but a buttercup") and condescending finger-shaking in the spirit of a disappointed parent.

Your rebuttals--or, hopefully, revised arguments if you have any--are welcome in my inbox should you wish to discuss this.

Shaleen: You are more than "reasonably attractive." You are drop dead SEXY.

;)

You're too smart to live.
Srslyomg.

Steve: I can't help but notice a sense of snarkiness in some of your answers.

Also, your top 10 is great for women but useless for us men. We're lucky in that we don't get women trying to convert us or tell us we haven't met a REAL woman but we do suffer from other worse attitudes from people who don't understand, don't want to understand and/or don't believe we're nonsexual.

You think YOU need to explain to the world because they might not understand you?!

You worry at best of people thinking you're frigid, or that you just haven't met Mr. Studly or you're a lesbian. HA! Tough life 'ey? Even if you are labeled a lesbian, what's the worst thing that's going to happen to you? They might think you're an amoral, naughty little girl. Big deal.

For us men, if your sexuality comes into question, if they notice you don't show an interest in women (they don't notice that you're not showing an interest in ANYONE) or if you don't wolf whistle the passing women when you're stuck in the company of REAL men (which I don't do) or if you tell them you're just not interested in sex (which is completely out of the question), they immediately think you're a homosexual and in certain crowds, that can get your head beaten in with a steel pipe - just because you have no sexual desire and are mistaken for a homosexual - so I'd rather not tell anyone anything and stay alive. I don't think leveling with strangers/work colleagues/strangers down the pub etc. is important enough to risk getting your head beaten in.

I could sure use a top 10 list of ways to deal with people who don't understand, don't want to understand, feel threatened by your "difference" and want to smash you to a pulp because of it.

For you, I sense you have a bit of fun with it but if you're a male, it can be a very dangerous area in certain circles.

It is nice to know I'm not an enigma though. To know I'm not alone.

Laura: I admire your confidence very much, I find it very inspiring. As an asexual myself, I find it very hard to talk about it openly because I know people would not understand and I would risk losing many friends who would think I'm "weird" or "mad". It's through your videos on youtube that I discovered asexuality sometime ago, and it was a great relief to see there were others in my situation. They inspired me to start having confidence in myself and start talking about it to some people. A few of them accepted it, my mother screamed at me "are you mad for saying that??" and my best friend told me that I don't know how the world works (apparently just because I'm not looking to get laid desperately like she does, I'm inferior to her). After that I don't dare talk about it to anyone anymore really. I feel like I have a lot to learn from you. You're right: being an asexual is not a problem for us, it becomes a problem when people are mean to us because of it.

Btw I love your site. It's great!

Some girl: Hi,
Glad to see i'm not alone!
Gosh, it's so difficult to tell the others of being asexual without being tagged as weird in return

-you don't want sex??
- I have no interest.
-That's because you never tried!
-....so?

Well to be honest, i do have somes issues with men because of *things* that happened to me as a child and a teen. Oh well

sorry..my english is quite limited...
greeting from Quebec!

Derrick_Mace: Hey Swankivy, thanks for the essay, it was very educational and enlightening.

And helpful in a mysterious way. Cheers.

phi: Hey,

I was honestly astounded when I recently heard how unaccepting and incomprehending people act towards asexuality & co. I really don't get what the e4g deal is. But considering how a bulk of men answer with fear bordering on horror when confronted with a gay guy I really shouldn't be surprised by our (humans') irrationality.

Have fun (and good luck with ignoring the idiots)