Leah: You are so cool! :-) The number of times I just wanted to hang with people and take them for what they were without being driven by a hormone fueled sexual need...I can't tell you! I would not necessarily say that asexuality is the result of a low testosterone level, etc. For one thing, human sexuality is amazingly complex; to attribute it to one element is fallacy. There are also a lot of women and men out there who have been sexually, physically and emotionally abuse who do not want intimacy--sexual or otherwise--with another person. Even with counseling, medication, etc., some of these people will never have an intimate relationship with another. At least you have not experienced such trauma. There is also a lot more to a romantic relationship than just sex; there are many nonsexual ways to show love and tenderness. Preparing a nice dinner for an overworked, stressed out partner is lovely. There are couples out there who do not consider sexual contact--such as intercourse--to be very important. There are also people out there who are so sensual that they can give you an orgasm by just giving you a foot rub. Seriously.

Lyss: Bravo for being forthright and proud of who you are. You obviously have a good head on your shoulders.

I did think one point was very interesting and that was that you thought perhaps one reason you are the way you are is that you see people as minds first, bodies second and for this reason you never need a picture of those you chat with. I am the same and am forever telling people, "No, thanks." when offered one. Funny how it can make them more persistent, isn't it?
"I promise it's clothed."
"No? How about I turn on my cam for just a second."
"Face only! I swear!"

What I find interesting is that I am pretty much the opposite of you in that I am hypersexual. Now, please don't confuse this with fucking anything that moves so that is not the reason I don't need a picture.

I guess I'm saying that I don't agree with it as being part of the reason behind your asexuality. On the other hand, who needs a reason? If you're happy, why do other people care? I've never understood those who feel they have to 'fix' those not like themselves.

Anyhow, thanks for an interesting read and best wishes with all you do in life.

Anonymous:

[Note from swankivy: Ahh yes, you see, when you don't leave an e-mail address, I reply publicly. Nice, huh?]

I am not saying celibacy is a bad thing, but this is not about celibacy, it's about you.

God calls all people to marry except if they have a higher calling. To remain single for His purpose (non sexual).

[swankivy: Thanks for making this about religion and not about the subject at hand. I don't follow your religion, and therefore any words you put in God's mouth really have no effect on me. Quote whatever scripture you would like to quote, but your words have no power over me.]

However, I cannot say I do not agree with the anti sex belief, that would make me a hypocrite, but I know if God wants me to marry, He knows what He's doing and it's not for my harm.

I do however, find your beliefs a bit arrogant and immature, and all I can say is you're not in control of your destiny.

[swankivy: I can say the same for you. Assuming you have chosen the correct book among hundreds that is REALLY the Word of God amongst all the fake ones who say the same thing with the same amount of proof is rather arrogant, and then claiming that only YOU have the right God and YOU know what he wants from everyone on Earth and YOU are qualified to speak for Him . . . well, I think we've just about defined arrogance there. Next.]

You say you don't mind sex as long as it doesn't involve you, but that sounds like 'I don't care bad things happen to other people just as long as it doesn't happen to me, and I'm there to enjoy watching it happen' which is a bit twisted, and a selfish way of thinking. The Lord tells us not to enjoy bad failings of other people, it's scriptural.

[swankivy: Sure, that sounds twisted if you misinterpret it so radically as you have done here. My comment about not caring what other people do as far as sex is not to be taken as "I don't care if they all ruin themselves." It was a comment to be understood as "I am not trying to change THEM, and furthermore I don't think sex ruins people." I don't think sex is bad. I just encounter a lot of people who assume that because I don't want it for myself, I probably frown on its practices by others. AND I DON'T, so I made that clear. But apparently it can still be bizarrely misconstrued by religious wackjobs. Next.]

If you come to Jesus, He can help you to resolve this, and get things into the right perspective.

Praying for you.

[swankivy: . . . Yeah, okay, what if I prayed to a different god for YOU, since we both know that each other doesn't have the "real" answer? Oh wait, no--I don't waste my time with obsessing over what other people believe and whether it matches my worldview. Feel free to contact me if you want to discuss something, but posting a preachy comment on my page and self-righteously ending it with a note about praying for me to find the TRUE way is just cowardly. You're entitled to your opinion, but your voice isn't any louder than mine just because you think you're backed up by God's Word. If people who follow a scripture-based religion think all they need is a book with "but it says so!" in it, they've lost me. This page is about asexuality, not your beliefs about God, so kindly restrict all other comments of this nature to private communication.]

anon: you're only young, but when you're much older and you realise no one wants you anyway and no one cares whether you are celibate or not, and your resentment and self obsession eats you away, you're going to be a very lonely bitter individual. unless you prefer that, it's not a pleasant life to lead (take it from me!).
life isn't about you anyway, it's about someone far more important (Jesus Christ)!

swankivy: Hah, in reference to the above, I find it amusing that I'm being called "young" as if it is due to youthful stupidity that I, ya know, accept my asexual nature for what it is. (I was in my thirties when I received this comment, which *I* think is young but is awfully old objectively to not have had any passing interest in sexuality.)

As for no one cares blah blah blah, I beg to differ--all the comments from these other folks on and off record do seem to testify to the fact that people do care about what I say and relate to it and in some cases feel the same.

"You're going to be a lonely bitter individual who's resentful and obsessed with herself" is just blather from someone who doesn't know me. Many people who are self-righteous dumbasses enjoy making comments that can't be proven and considering themselves as having "won" something, such as "One day you'll SEE that I'M RIGHT." Well, people have been telling me that for years, and so far I've been right about what I feel. The rest of us who actually know how to build an argument can easily see you have no support for your comment.

But it really shows the work of a winner when someone ends an unrelated comment by abusively claiming I should belong to some other religion. That just takes the cake.

Cucumber: I am exactly like you in most respects. I'm nineteen, a virgin (and happy) and I feel pressure to "be" with someone. I've never kissed anyone but I figured that was because I am "frigid" and I get "scared". For me too, its not looks or brains, I study at Oxford and I've just started modelling. I just think maybe, just maybe, I should make some sort of an effort to conform. I get really into people I find interesting, not people that are stereotypically attractive, but people I am intrigued by, and I think I want to go out with them or something but really I just want to chat to them for ages and find out why they are so enigmatic. I get jealous when they spend loads of time with other people, but I am scared of kissing them or anything else. Most boys when they ask me out, just like you, think I'm playing hard to get, I don't like saying no, but I always want to stay friends. They think - she doesn't want to kiss me so she doesn't like me - but this isn't true! I'm preaching to the converted I suppose. But sometimes, I do think I should make some sort of an effort...

Jimmy Estrada: Spock from the original Star Trek series was ASEXUAL, Although he was married once, His wife left him for another man and he allowed her to move on so to speak. Because of the imoral implications of this,the thought of mating with a person of immoral or bad behavior (cheating) that quality would find having sex with that person most unappealing, peers who often par-take in this type of behavior (like promiscuity) are most unlikely will be unfavourable romantic or sexual canidates for such a person as Spock.

thelightseeker: I absolutely LOVED reading your nonsexuality rant! Bravo, well done! It had me laughing and shaking my head in agreement because I think I have heard every one of those so called "reasons" for my disinterest in sex too, and yes, my responses were the same, namecalling and all. You have my sense of humor and logic. Thank you so much for brightening my day today. Please keep up the great writing!

Daniel R. Darnall: Hello, I am very impressed with your website regarding Asexual that really broaden my knowledge on different kind of people. I know several of my friends that have NO interest in sex, probably a little or not at all. I have a lot of questions about them and I know some of them live in a very happy life with no problems at all. Now, I understood better. One thing, I must give you a BIGGEST credit for your perspective on Deaf people under number one in top 10 list of reason why you are not interested in sex.

I am Deaf person and I am very happy to read what your thought and perspective about Deaf, that if we are happy with what we are. Therefore, just leave us alone without any medically help like cochlear implant to improve our lifestyle by living in a hearing world where we can please everyone and we will be mocked by some of them for having a abnormal voices or look stupid with machine on our rear skulls.

We the Deaf people are very happy with our spoken language that we use on daily basis which is American Sign Language, (ASL), we can have different kind of register to communicate with. We can do public speaking, casual conversation, poetry or sign a song and many more to mention. We can read and write in English fluently just like all people. I personally HATE to be label as medically help. I grew up in a Deaf family, Nebraska School for the Deaf (now defunct), and attended Gallaudet University. I am working at Boys Town for Education Interpreters in public school in Nebraska where many interpreters in school needed help with ASL and different kind of interpreting techinque.

I can function in everyday life and be able do do everything except hear. That does not bother me at all. I rather to see everything and be an indepedent person than depedent person just to make hearing people to satisfied their emptiness and insecure feeling that no one can really depend them for anything. Also, they would take credit for themselves that they can cure Deafness to make their name in glory for money or fame. The hearing people thinks that Deaf is not normal in their society. But, what they have done to us by putting cochlear implant in our head or teach us how to speak orally without using ASL to communicate with each other that really just like a diaspora to Deaf Culture and History. Actually the cost to install cochlear implant is roughly $80,000 dollars! Insurance will pay for it 100% I rather to have insuance help the people down in South now or anything else that many people really need medical assist in their lives instead to make us talk and hear normal .

I can see your perspective in your life as Asexual person that you are very happy with your life without any sexual involvement. Now, I will share this "new" information with several of my friends who have no interest in sexuality. I will mention to them on Asexual website and your website too. Many thanks for your time to read this comment.

dia_lg: All of this is quite new to me. And I have mixed feelings about it.
Probably you are happy, but you must acknowledge that you can grow to be happy living in a cage all your life, as long as you never know(or try to) see how it is outside. (O.K., as a writer you can find a lot of other situations instead of being caged, I'm exaggerating).
Being happy does not mean you shouldn't try to be happier! It's a experience out there in your reach, it's not like wanting to fly a spaceship (at least not in our lifespan). What do you have to lose? On their dying bed, a lot of people regret things they never done or tried to do. I think you miss one point of the article from Salon article: maybe what you have is a problem (with a cure).You just choose to dismiss it at #8. It is your right, but are you sure?
It is a experience of life that you dismiss. To be a old lady with a lot of cats might not scare you now, but how many have you knew and were happy? (dying minds aside), try imagine yourself at 30+, 40+, 50+? One sure thing in life it's your own demise.
You must realize that your time is running out , at twenty something you're not too late, but you're getting close. Most of the girls have their first sexual experience at 15-18 years old, and usually it's not a positive one; it takes patience and time, even with a suitable partner(chances are dropping with the wrong one) for them to discover their sexuality.
It's not clear if you didn't try, or tried and had bad experiences , in both cases it's not a reason to stop trying.
Chances are also dropping if you let the time go by. Sex has positive and negative aspects, you tend to see more of the latest as you grow older, that's one the causes of sex drive going down for a lot of people/couples.
Being so open about your choice has also two sides: good for people around you (there are some that live in denial, even get married and end up in the best case divorcing), and not so good for you : you create a image of yourself you might feel compelled to uphold.

I just hope you'll not regret your choice when you're older (or worse) and it will be too late.

ELFATIH: I LIKE SEXFILM

swankivy: Ohhhhkaaaay. . . .

al: I find you very interesting lol! I am an anthropologist and have been working on this idea about asexual humans...not that I think of you as a lab rat by any means...however-there are a lot of you out there...one of my old roomies (male)was not interested in sex-and it blew my mind. That is how I became interested in the subject. Personally-I love it. However, a large portion of the population has no interest. I think it may be a genetic and cultural response to an extremely over-populated planet. I think homosexuality is the same...too many people...too few resources-nature takes care of it. We, as humans, should applaud homosexuals and asexuals for not bringing forth any more population to further clog the roads! Keep on doing what feels right!

Al