If you've never had strong sexual desire, imagine having to sneeze really bad whenever you got around attractive men. That's basically what it's like; it's an incredibly all-consuming and distracting primal urge than seems more important than anything else while it's happening.

People get used to it, and start to compensate for it (by masturbating, by having sex with people at random, etc) but the fact is it pretty much rules your life.

Heck, almost everything I've ever accomplished in life (and I'm now a lawyer) has been because I wanted to get laid in a satisfying way. I've become a sucessful, respectable, likeable guy primarily in hopes of trying to get girls to finde me attractive back, so I can have sex with them (yeah, I want to fall in love, too, but that can wait; the sex drive is rather urgent).

I understand you still feel desire for romantic love, which can be almost as distracting at times. In times of heartbreak or at the onset of a huge crush, romantic love can actually more overwhelming than sex drive. Those are the only two times (other than immediately after having sex) I've ever not really had much of a sex drive, because I was too overwhelmed by romantic thoughts.

Anyway, I find your situation very interesting. I'm the opposite of you, in that I'm rather hypersexual -- I have a stronger sex drive than most people I know. I wish you luck wandering through the world with your particular set of impulses. May you find satisfaction and peace!

[Note from swankivy: I never said anywhere that I still feel a desire for romantic love. I'm not sure where the person got this idea, but I couldn't reply due to the message's being left anonymously.]

Pete Dixon: Hi,

I just finished reading your top-10 list and I feel I have to congratulate you on your, well, positive attitude, would be the best term I can think of.

I do have one question though about a topic not addressed in the piece: masturbation. If you don't do it, along with the usual attendant fantasies/imagery I would be be prepared to buy the asexual argument.

Thanks for the interesting perspective.

Pete Dixon
Toronto,ON

Qriositas: I don't envy you your situation. It seems to me that it is something that will never be resolved. Not you nonsexuality, your familiar; you seem comfortable in your skin. There is a self knowledge there that is your strength. I mean other peoples judgements and interference and the sheer relentlessness of forever 'coming out'in so far as, as you have said, if you don't fancy men you must be gay, if you're not gay you just haven't met the right man, and on and on.

You don't have to justify yourself and you don't have to explain. Nothing to prove, nothing to defend. So, what do you want to do with your life? I don't expect an answer because that is none of my business, but it seems to me you have an opportunity to focus your energies in a way that few people can because they are perpetually distracted by sex. Lucky woman! I hope you use it well. At a certain point though, You are going to have to consider if you want to step off the converyor belt of tick tock reality, of justifying yourself to people who are never going to comprehend anyway, and just want to pull you back into line so you can be more like them. However it plays out for you, I wish you well, for whatever that is worth. Qriositas

ari: I'm only writing in an effort to offset what I assume (knowing humanity as I do) will be some number of obnixous posts. Normally, I wouldn't go putting my two cents where it wasn't asked for. But...
(I know you know this already, but maybe it's nice to hear again from outside): You are just fine just as you are. You do not owe anything to anyone.
Other people's judgements of you are their problem, not yours.
If you are happy, you are way ahead of most people, who are not.
If you are not happy, it is up to you, and nobody else, to determine what changes might make you happier.
Anyone who thinks otherwise can go hang themselves.
Anent the above, I once saw one of those dumb posters in a workplace that I was reminded of by your page's reference to a "complaint department:"
"Our Complaint Department is staffed by Ms. Helen Waitt. If you have a problem, please go to Helen Waitt."
Have a wonderful life -- however you choose to live it.

Eddie: I live in Melrose, just 20 miles out of town. I was very sexual when I was 24, and I think maybe it created a hardship.
I got into spiritual things thereafter, although I was already into a lot that already. I'm 52 now.
Of course you know a lot of that calls for "restraining" or "withdrawing" the senses.
One of the most notorious sects for stopping the sex drive is Krsna Consciousness and I was into that a little bit, but I had a problem with their feelings about abortion. Oddly enough many consider Krsna to be an erotic form of God. This is not the same as, say, worship of the Divine Mother. I read about that in a book called The Goddess by Thomas Colburn.
It is not so much that I am asexual as I don't get a lot. As life events occurred I became a solitary person. I was into bisexuality and the yogic sects and that apparently alienated everyone. I didn't get my bachelor's degree after having accomplished my assciates and that too got on the wrong side of people. I had NO WORK and it has remained thus for over 20 years.
It's nice to see a Gainesville person make the pages of a famous liberal online news magazine. Do you work at Goehrings or a Books A Million?

[Note from swankivy: I couldn't answer this 'cause the guy left no e-mail, but it was a BAM, Eddie.]

kelly: Why are people so obsessed with other people's sexuality, and where do they get off judging people they don't even know? If you're not interested in sex, why is that a problem for them? I think we need a cultural paradigm shift away from the idea that it's ok to automatically think/say/imply that someone is a freak of nature just because they're not the same as someone else. The kind of reaction you describe is something I've had to deal with when new acquaintances find out that there's something about me that is uncommon. Someone I never even met, upon learning that I was vegan, said "oh, she must be anorexic." And older conservative people sometimes think it's funny to say something like "you're confused", "you're young" to explain liberal politics.

VG: You write, "Who are you to dismiss my relationships just because there's no good English word for very-close-friends-but-not-sexually-involved"? "

But, dear, there is - platonic. Come on, you, as well, are a writer.

[Note from swankivy: Of course this person leaves no e-mail either, hit and run. "Platonic" doesn't work. It's another way of saying "just friends," emphasis on the "just." People hear "platonic" and the relationship is automatically demoted to not being as close as a "real" relationship. That is my point; that the only available words such as "best friend" or "platonic" make people jump to conclusions about the seriousness of the relationship.]

Islander9: got here as a result of a posting on AVEN that lead to a SALON article I couldnt access- basically - hello-

Anonymous: I am a man in my 50s. I have no rant, but I was always seen with women, including one special woman, until about the age of 27, when I simply lost all interest in sex. I was engaged to be married, and we are friends to this day. I looked over at her one day and said, "The flame is dying, and it is not just about you."

She said, "I know. I noticed it before you did."

I think that one of the greatest lies in our society is about masturbation. Most people do it -- regardless of age.

I cannot recall the last time that I was even remotely interested in doing that. The thing is, I don't miss it. I have plenty of friends of both sexes, and they accept me the way I am. This is not something that is obvious or even noticeable, and I have difficulty relating to my feelings as a teenager and until the fire went out.

If there was "a cure" for the way I am, I would not want it. I am just fine as I am.

Yet, I want to remain anonymous because this is not the business of people who I do business with.

[Note from swankivy: Thanks for sharing your comments, Mr. Anonymous, wherever you are!]

Beverly: Thank you! Your article hit home with me 100 percent. I've felt the same way all my life and now I don't feel so alone.

[Note from swankivy: You're welcome, non-e-mail-leaving Beverly! May the Force be with you!]

ann: As long as YOU are happy, and you aren't hurting anyone, it doesn't matter.