Syntinen Laulu: I’m absolutely prepared to believe that Eldest is as bad as you say, but a couple of the things in your Bad Dialogue section aren’t quite fair to it:

• Saphira gets drunk and does not feel real well after she passes out. When she is addressed later, she replies, "A pox on all mead!" Very cute, Chris. But MEAD CAN'T GET POX. IT IS NOT ALIVE.

Logical. But as we all know, idioms rarely take account of logic. Logically, only sapient beings with immortal souls can be damned; yet we routinely cry “Damn this animal/inanimate object/abstract concept” and everybody knows what we mean. In the late 15th to 17th centuries (the great age of truly virulent syphilis), English-speaking people frequently wished “a pox on” anything you can think of. You can certainly slam this passage for being an embarrassingly cheesy cod-Shakespearian idiom (I would), but it’s not actually a misuse of that idiom.

• "Beware the rotten stone." Buuuut stone . . . is . . . not . . . organic. . . . How can a stone be rotten?

Easily. If rock or dressed stone has been so damaged by weather that it is crumbly and breaks off in your hand or underfoot when you put your weight on it, “rotten” is the standard term for that condition. Ask any geologist, stonemason or rock climber.

By the way, am I the only person who suspects that Paolini’s publishers were nervous about the possibility of plagiarism claims, and paid Anne McCaffrey serious money not merely not to sue but to write a couple of flattering lines about Eragon? McCaffrey was the living author most obviously plagiarized; thus this quote from her made it near-impossible for any other ripped-off authors to take action. Or am I over-cynical?

PS: I can't believe CP really put in "We don't want no stinking barges"! How could *anyone* misjudge so crassly? ???

Azvolrien: I found this through the anti-shurtugal community of LiveJournal.

I found your essay extremely well-written and it made me laugh out loud at more than one point.

One thing: 'You' was used in Old English. However, it was the formal pronoun, rather like 'Sie' in modern German. So, it still makes no sense to use 'thee' and 'thou' (informal, like 'du' in German) in the same sentence as it when talking to one person.

swankivy: Note: I'm no Old English expert, but I wasn't saying "you" wasn't used in Old English. The person here is talking about when I complained about people not using "thine" and "thee" and whatnot correctly. It just doesn't make any sense to mix them up. I was complaining about the use of "your" in "Draw thy sword and guard its edge as your first master taught you." Why not use "draw your sword" or "thy first master" to make it consistent? Otherwise it just sounds like a jackass at a medieval faire getting his possessives mixed up.

Jennifer: Thank you so much for your essay. I'm sure you've been told this before, but you are able to articulate all the problems I had with the book better than I ever could. Same goes for "Eragon".

Incidentally, I have read some of your other essays too. Regarding the religious themed ones: Have you ever seen the old "Even Stevphens" segments on "The Daily Show"? They had one on religion, and I think it's something you would appreciate.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWxZGkeor1k

In case you are interested.

Björn: Quote: 'Name of the king's group of assassins: "The Black Hand." Oh yes, that is very likely. Rulers often consider themselves "evil," and enjoy naming their helpers very sinister things.'
just thought i'de mention that there was a serbian nationalist movement called the black hand who suplied a small group of assasins, so people realy will call themselves "the black hand"

K: ...I think I love you.
By the way, have you read the entries in this LiveJournal: http://the-epistler.livejournal.com/ ?
I figured you might appreciate it, since this guy is definitely a kindred spirit.
Well done on the essay. It was definitely worth the wait.

Tora: Loved it just as much as the previous one. :D

In case you're wondering, here's my theory on how the trilogy will end: Eragon will fight Murtagh in a desperate and yawn-inducing battle. Murtagh, at the last minute, will see the light and totally redeem his character by using the last of his strength to kill Galbatorix before dying himself. At the end, ghosties will wave at Eragon.

Let's hope Paolini has the good sense to keep out the Ewoks.

Sardonyx: I.....laughed......SO hard.....I.....could.....not.....BREATHE. I threw my head back and laughed like I haven't laughed in a while. Thanks for this! It's so hilarious I'm actually grateful that Paolini managed to get this atrocious series published, because if he didn't, we wouldn't be having so much fun. Bad writing can be among the funniest things ever. It reminds me of my Literary Arts class, in which I'm the biggest critic when it comes to editing. But honestly, some of the lines my classmates come up with are downright laughable. Poem: "I fell off the bicycle of life, you were there to kiss my heart," are you kidding me? LOL. They're hardly any better than Paolini. Job well done!

Mason C.: I honestly do think he watches MST3K movies, he's said himself he's watched a movie a night with his parents for years now. There's no way he wouldn't have simply run out of movies.

Thanks for that, Mason.

Samhita: I love your 'Eldest' essay as much as your first 'Eragon' one which I read ages ago. I was waiting for this to come up.

I agree with everything you said in your critique, but I'm a little surprised you didn't mention Arya. She was a major reason why I eventually hated the elves and, consequently, started looking more critically at the trilogy as a whole. What did you think of the Arya-dwarf priest scene, in which she picks a fight with him (completely unprovoked), attacks his belief in religion, and is clearly the one favored by Paolini? It seemed pretty obvious that the whole scene was written to make Arya look somehow morally superior. Then Oromis goes and does it all over again when he explains the the elves don't believe in God because:

God = existence of miracles existence of miracles =/= laws of nature

Therefore they're atheists. Never mind that magic IS a miracle. In fact, 'Eldest' in general had an irritatingly preachy tone, and every philosophy set forth had a bunch of holes in it.

On the Saphira-getting-drunk scene, it also bothered me that she and Eragon were getting drunk and merry the night before Ajihad's funeral, and when Eragon's "friend" Murtagh had just died. I aas hoping you'd mention that, but it's okay - I loved everything else you wrote. Really made me laugh.