Name: Mike
URL: TeenieFiles.com
Clique URL:
Cliques joined:

[Well, this was weird for several reasons: One, he left the "cliques joined" section blank, and two . . . the website is a PORN SITE (which I assumed even before I checked). Probably like only ten of my members had their own dot com anyway . . . highly suspicious. Anyway, I e-mailed him back; I always e-mail clique submitters back to let them know what's wrong with their submission if they didn't get in.]

Subject: Clique Joining....
From: Ivy
To: Mike

Hi Mike. . . .

I received a clique submission from you which didn't specify any cliques to join and suggested the site TeenieFiles.com as the site that was joining. I really don't think so. If you have an actual personal website you'd like to submit legitimately to the cliques, be my guest, but this isn't an eligible site.

--Ivy

[Well, the jerk wrote back.]

Subject: RE: Clique Joining....
From: Mike
To: Ivy

Is your life really so empty that you have to make gay ass sites called cliques? Thats very funny! How old are you 8? 10? Get off your computer and get out of your house, meet a member of the opposite sex, start a fight, and stop the excessive shopping and masturbation. Prove your alive. Or become a statistic. you've been warned.
-tyler durden

p.s. my names not mike. I just used that on ur clique thing.

[I'd like to point out here that usually, even with assholes, I'm pretty civil and polite. I tend to realize that maintaining my composure usually infuriates them more than telling them off would. But you'll notice I got a bit edgy in my response. I wasn't having it.]

Subject: RE: Clique Joining....
From: Ivy
To: Mike

Is your life really so empty that you have to make gay ass sites called cliques?

Not really, it's a form of self-expression for me and the over five hundred members who have joined them, but obviously it's all a big waste of time since you don't like or understand it.

Thats very funny! How old are you 8? 10?

I'm twenty-six. But I wouldn't expect someone who hasn't achieved a third grade level of grammar to be able to have much discernment regarding guessing my age, so I'm not surprised.

Get off your computer and get out of your house, meet a member of the opposite sex, start a fight, and stop the excessive shopping and masturbation.

I'm not sure why you think you have anything on me, but I somehow doubt starting a fight is going to give my life some meaning that you imagine I lack since I don't share the same values as you. You don't know a damn thing about me--so where do you get off trying to judge me?

Prove your alive. Or become a statistic. you've been warned.

Prove my alive? That doesn't even make sense. Hmm, I guess the fact that I created cliques for people to join shows that I'm a mindless zombie. As opposed to you, who went and pretended to join them with a fake name--obviously it's a sign that your life should serve as an example to me, especially since you're really good at misquoting things you've heard in movies.

p.s. my names not mike. I just used that on ur clique thing.

Yes, so I must be naïve for responding to you with the name you provided me. Do you shake someone's hand, say "hi my name's Mike," and then snort and giggle when that person introduces you to Mom as Mike? 'Cause I mean, people are obviously so ignorant to not know your name's not REALLY Mike. Hahaha, smooth move, "Tyler." (Not that that's your real name either--I too have seen Fight Club.)

Anyway, in the future, I suggest refraining from trying to mock what you don't understand. You don't look cool by telling me my life is empty and calling one of my sites "gay ass"--when you spend time mocking such things, it makes one wonder which one of us is having trouble finding meaning in life, okay?

--Ivy

[So, the ape-man writes back:]

Subject: Re:tard
From: Mike
To: Ivy

you are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You are the same organic decaying matter as everything else. Obviously there are 500 other losers that are just like you who join cliques. You are a mindless zombie with no life! You've seen fight club? WOW! Fuckin amazing! That film was just a cheap rip off of chuck palahniuk's novel fight club. Brad pitt doesn't even look like tyler durden! All you do is destroy the internet. I was trying to look up anarchist organiztions. I see "i love mischief" or some GAY ASS shit like that so i clicked on it. I find ur little click website. HAHA the funniest thing i saw all day. whatever why am i even wasting my god forsaken time. its fuckin 3am and im writing a letter to some1 who has a click. ahahaha 500 people.

TYLER DURDEN LIVES!!!!

whyt are u reading this? don't you have to go and keep working on your click website? its looking a little shitty. you better go fix it! hurry up.

[fuck world trade]

[I really don't need to elaborate much here, because my response says it all. I just want to point out that at this point I realized that the "right" thing to do would be to ignore the jackass, so after this I deserved whatever I got. Luckily it was all amusing even if it WAS a waste of time. Observe.]

Subject: Re: tard
From: Ivy
To: Mike

you are not a beautiful and unique snowflake.

See, why is it that you can't criticize me without either calling everything "gay ass" or quoting someone else?

You are the same organic decaying matter as everything else.

Um . . . big deal? That doesn't exempt you, you know. Somehow I don't think this is relevant to which one of us is justified in criticizing the other.

Obviously there are 500 other losers that are just like you who join cliques. You are a mindless zombie with no life!

Well, a lot more than 500, that was just in my own organization. But again, you have no idea who I am--judging me as a "mindless zombie" just because I run a clique is really shallow. Not that I would ask you to, but if you had looked beyond that single page, you might have seen that my website is a complex network of various things I've done, and many of them are pretty meaningful. I don't know you either, but I doubt you've written a novel, composed a song--maybe never even created anything of value. And here you are judging me because you think my cliques are "gay ass." Open your eyes, kid.

You've seen fight club? WOW! Fuckin amazing! That film was just a cheap rip off of chuck palahniuk's novel fight club.

Actually I thought it made a pretty good translation to a movie. But you seem to have just assumed that I wouldn't have even known that it was a book first, much less that I might have read it--which I have, in addition to his other work.

All you do is destroy the internet.

If you think a clique site can "destroy the Internet," you're . . . well, I'd go into it, but maybe I'll just stay on your level here and say you're a jackass.

HAHA the funniest thing i saw all day. whatever why am i even wasting my god forsaken time. its fuckin 3am and im writing a letter to some1 who has a click.

Yes, why ARE you wasting your time? If I'm so worthless, that is--just a hunk of meat like everyone else (including you). Obviously, by creating the cliques, I've announced to the world that I'm nothing but a shallow moron, plus I'm contributing to destroying the Internet. Pretty big statement to take from a "gay ass click site." Do you even know what Web cliques are?

TYLER DURDEN LIVES!!!!

Ooh, the battle call of the monkey--"hahah quote someone else in capital letters and prove what an anarchist I am!"

whyt are u reading this? don't you have to go and keep working on your click website? its looking a little shitty. you better go fix it! hurry up.

Yeah that's cute too--tell me to go run away and work on the site. It doesn't take much time to maintain. People join, and I look at their sites and add them. Yeah, I sit here and just play with it all the time. Sorry, guy. You're mistaken, but you'll believe what you already believe about me no matter what I say, based on a premature assumption, so I have to wonder which one of us isn't stepping outside the pen. Oink oink!

Have fun rebelling inside your pen, pink boy.

--Ivy

[Oh look, another e-mail demonstrating exactly how much he DIDN'T get my point!]

Subject: Re: tard
From: Mike
To: Ivy

u answer e-mails funny. ur pretty good at looking stuff up on the internet. clicks are gay hahahahahahaha.

Worker bees can leave
Even drones fly away
The queen is their slave

hurry up look it up! fat ass

[Uh-huh . . . yes, there's more.]

Subject: Re: tard
From: Ivy
To: Mike

u answer e-mails funny. ur pretty good at looking stuff up on the internet.

I didn't look anything up to answer your e-mails. I don't know what you think is so obscure that I had to look it up, but every reference you've made was plain stuff to me. Your e-mails are not full of deep and elusive information. Sorry to spoil your illusion there.

clicks are gay

It's spelled "cliques." And I guess they inherently mean something homosexual. Sure. Whatever.

hurry up look it up! fat ass

I'm not interested in looking up the source of your poem. You're not that important to me. And my ass is far from fat. Not that you care or should care about my ass. Thank you.

--Ivy

[So I guess he decided that it'd be ANARCHY to go back to my site and start bombarding me with bogus clique-joinings.]

Name: Fuck Clicks
URL: pussy.com
Clique URL: pussy.com
Cliques joined: [ALL]

Name: Tyler Duden :)
URL: pussywussy.org
Clique URL: iLOveclicks.com
Cliques joined: [ALL] [Yes, he misspelled "Tyler Durden."]

Name: dick hertz
URL: wetnslippery.com
Clique URL: wetnslippery.com
Cliques joined: [ALL]

[So. I went into my preferences and blocked his IP address from using any of my website features, and then I e-mailed him in response to this ridiculousness:]

Subject: "Clicks"
From: Ivy
To: Mike

Hey jackass--

For someone who accuses me of wasting time and destroying the Internet, you sure are persistent! Imagine coming BACK again and again to a site that you spent a fair amount of time mocking--can you say pathetic? Now, I know you're an angry little boy who thinks he can define himself through supposed anarchy, but filling out my form and yelling "fuck clicks" and "tyler durden lives" does not an anarchist make. Stop trying so hard and think about what you actually want to say, and maybe you'll get rid of some of your cute little aggressive tendencies, huh?

Have fun, sheep boy! Baaa, baaaa!

--Ivy

[He answered right away.]

Subject: RE:
From: Mike
To: Ivy

Have fun, sheep boy! Baaa, baaaa!???? What the fuck is that? What do you think the shepherd and i'm the sheep. How clever. you need a life not me. your writing is unoriginal and boring. Your the sheep. your trying to make a difference in society. You don't know what anarchy is. You could probably define it but u don't know what it is

fuckin midget

[I ignored the crap about my size (which is interesting, considering in order to call me that he has to have done some cruising around my supposedly pathetic site). Other than that, I responded to his grossness.]

Subject: Re:
From: Ivy
To: Mike

Have fun, sheep boy! Baaa, baaaa!???? What the fuck is that?

It's a reaction to how funny you are. You think you're rebelling, but actually you're in a safe little pen being humped from behind by THE MAN.

What do you think the shepherd and i'm the sheep.

Not really. Why would I spend my time trying to guard sheep? What use are you people anyway? You just eat grass all day and look up all surprised every time it rains.

you need a life not me. your writing is unoriginal and boring. Your the sheep.

If you say so. I very much doubt someone who spends his time as you do has any business judging my writing, not that you'd ever bother reading it.

your trying to make a difference in society. You don't know what anarchy is. You could probably define it but u don't know what it is

I don't know who you think I am, but I already *have* made a difference in society. And it's not because I spray-painted an anti-police message on a wall or stole bubble gum without getting caught or tried some half-baked scheme from the Anarchist's Cookbook that someone told me would help bring down the man.

I don't have any desire to destroy society. I think some parts of it suck, yes. And I do my part in speaking out against what I think sucks. But I'm not one of those jerks who runs around screaming "anarchy!!!" and "revolution!!!" thinking that actually means anything. Everyone with a clue knows that those types of people would be the first against the wall if the revolution actually came.

I've identified my issues, and I work toward them. If you actually bothered to read that book that you seem to quote more often than Christians quote the Bible, you'd realize that Tyler freaking realized his approach was WRONG at the end. Do you understand that, pink boy? I'm not deluded into thinking that graffiti about Tyler Durden actually changes anything, and I tend to live my life as a good example rather than trying to bury my own fear by frightening others. You haven't shown me any evidence that you have any clue what you're fighting, only that you want to fight because it's ANARCHY! So . . . think about it. Who's your enemy? And how are you going to fight it? Do you even know? I doubt it.

--Ivy

[There was no response, so chances are he got tired of reading e-mails that weren't one-liners or instructions on how to quote Fight Club—I mean, how to perpetuate ANARCHY!]