My Record of Work: The Annoying, the Interesting, and the Just Plain Weird--The Year 2004.

12/29/04

Something unfortunate came up today and I got yelled at for it. A lady called trying to find out about a hard-to-find order we tried to place for her. I looked everything up and it said the book wasn't available anymore, even though it had said otherwise when whoever placed the order tried to do so before. I explained to the lady that we had no information because this was a third party selling it to her--we just set up the transaction--and I apologized on their behalf and explained that we have no control over what these people do, it's like selling junk on the Internet. The good news, I told her, was that her credit card couldn't have been charged for the order. She replied, "Well, why would they not tell me at the time I ordered it that it wasn't available?" Yeah that makes sense. "I'll go 'head and order it for you, but you should know there aren't any copies to order." As far as we knew when we placed the order, it existed. I told her (with apology again) that I didn't know what had made this other third party behave so irresponsibly by advertising a book it turned out they couldn't get, but I couldn't fix it except to try to search for another hard-to-find version of it. "Well why would I do that, since you're just gonna tell me something ELSE that isn't true?" she shot back, and I told her again it wasn't "us" and we had every right to believe--like she did--that the product exists if someone on the network says, "Hey I got a copy." I asked if she wanted me to try to look for other available copies and she said, "NO, I'm just going to shop somewhere else, thanks." Oops, my bad--sorry, we just had to have a laugh at your expense, tricking you into ordering something that we knew wasn't there. We're just a bunch of jerks. OR WE'RE JUST AS MUCH IN THE DARK AS YOU ARE ABOUT WHY IT HAPPENED. So don't harass me about it, dammit!!

A lady asked if I had any copies left of "the pop-up America book" by Robert Sabuda. I told her it was in the kids' section and proceeded to lead her there, saying we had about six copies left. She started acting all flummoxed and saying how she'd "looked everywhere" but then that she hadn't thought to look in Kids'. She was saying it in such a way that you got the idea she thought it was ridiculous that this book was in the children's section. "It's such a BEAUTIFUL book," she commented once as we were walking, "I'd have never thought it'd be in the KIDS' section." Yes, because no books for kids are beautiful, and "pop-up book" doesn't automatically conjure up children's books in a person's mind or anything. Jeez.

I did a return at the register and then I did another one for an older couple. They were the type that took ten years to do everything; I asked for the discount card and they kept digging and digging long after I'd looked them up by phone number, processed the return, and come to the end of the transaction. Finally the end came and I gave them papers to sign and I had another return waiting behind them, and they wouldn't move. They kept like passing cards back and forth and looking in their wallets and writing down purchase amounts and, like, just not realizing that they were IN THE WAY. I hinted a couple times (it's not generally nice to say "move your asses!"), so I said like, "Is that lady behind them the one with the return?" and "Okay, well I'll get her as soon as the way is clear" and stuff. They were totally oblivious. Finally they moved and I got to do the next return. Sheesh!

12/28/04

Another winner of the Register Jackass Award!

A lady came in and wanted to do a return on a little Bible thing. First off, I agreed to perform a return and asked her for the reason. "I didn't want it," she said in this sort of weirdly nasty way. Well, I figured that much out when you came in here to return it, and I'm not asking for my health. I want the REASON YOU'RE RETURNING IT. Started reading it and couldn't see the print? Damaged? Bought it as a gift for someone and they didn't like it? Received it as a gift and didn't like it? Give me some damn feedback. Turned out she'd bought it for someone as a present and then decided just not to give it to them. Fine.

Except her receipt indicated that it had been more than thirty days, which means I can't give her credit on a credit card or cash back; has to be store credit. I told her so.

"No, I want my money," she said, and I told her that wasn't the policy but I could ask my manager if there was any wiggle room in this situation. I called her and I got the manager on duty on lunch break in the back room. She told me no-can-do; only two options, store credit or exchange for merchandise on the same day. I told the lady the bad news and she replied, "NO, you get her up here so I can talk to her." Heh. I kind of had a grin on the inside of my face at that point, thinking, "Oh, you have no idea what you've asked for. You're asking me to get the most notoriously temper-driven manager on our staff to get up off her butt in the middle of her lunch break because you couldn't be bothered to make your return until almost six weeks later."

She started to complain that if she paid cash she should GET cash and it shouldn't matter how long she'd been walking around with our book; she should be ABLE to GET her MONEY. Okay. I didn't like the way she'd addressed me (that whole "No, YOU go do this" attitude is not one I much like), so I told her my manager would be up in a minute and walked away. I wasn't going to stand there and let her berate me. I don't get paid enough for that shit.

So I hid in the Bible section nearby so I could overhear what was happening. My manager arrived on the scene and just shortly replied, "Yes?" The lady tried to play innocent, like she hadn't just very demandingly asked the manager to appear for abuse. "I've got a return," she said sweetly, acting like she was just starting from scratch. Oh, this oughta be good, I thought. My manager immediately told her her receipt showed she was past thirty days and she'd only get store credit, and that there was nothing else she could do. She didn't sugar-coat it at all, and the lady exploded.

"If I paid in CASH I should be able to get CASH, it was a Christmas present and I decided not to give it and I should be ABLE to get CASH, it's not that MUCH, I should be ABLE to get my cash, it's not very much over thirty days, it was just mid-November, it was a Christmas gift, I should be able to get CASH. . . ." And then she realized what my manager was doing. As this lady was spouting and my manager was just nodding and saying, "Yeah. Yeah. Uh-huh," she was ringing up the store credit for her. This completely screwed her up.

"I am never going to shop here again, I will never come here again, I will never EVER buy from you, you are going to lose a LOT of money and I am never going to come here again," her voice was getting very loud and my manager was just like, "Well, oh well, nothing I can do about it, here you go," and handed her the paper to sign and the gift card. "Just sign here," she said, and the lady replied, "Oh, I'll do more than just sign it." She proceeded to sign it and then THROW the paper and then THROW the pen at my manager. When relating the story to me later, my manager told me that if she had said that "I should be able to get cash" thing maybe twice more she really would have leaned over the counter and said, "You now have ten seconds to get out of my store before I call the police." I wish that had happened.

Anyway, she stomped back into the store to I guess make a big show of using up the gift card right there so that she could NEVER come back, and she breezed by a woman who was checking out with the cashier. The other customer commented to my manager and the cashier, "I'll take her gift card and be very happy about it!" If only, lady. If only.

One of my coworkers did something today that most of us only dream about. He told a customer to put her damn books back.

This lady pulled out like THIRTY career guides and threw them all over the floor, and since this employee had been asked to help do some recovery he was prowling the store for stuff to put up and he saw this lady. He came over and asked her if all those books were hers, and she replied, "Oh, I'm finished with them, you can put them up now." He replied that it wasn't the store's policy to leave books on the floor and just let employees pick them up, and that he wanted her to put her books back when she was done. "I didn't know where they all went and I didn't want to mess up your system," she protested, and he replied that if that was the case she should in the future take out one book at a time and then put it back.

He stalked off at that point but then he saw her leaving the store and noted that her books had not been reshelved, and so he confronted her again and told her that in the future if she was going to shop at this store she needed to not do that sort of thing. The woman's daughter told him she had been planning to pick up the books but that she thought he was very rude for telling them that. "I think YOU'RE very rude to be making that big a mess," he retorted, and then with reference to their browsing in career guides, he told them it'd probably be best if they didn't look for any kind of job where they had to deal with other people.

The girl asked for his name and his boss's name and wrote it all down. I'm not surprised and I certainly wouldn't have said that kind of shit to customers, but you know I just can't help cheering. Heh. Sad thing is, they're probably walking away thinking, "God, what a RUDE employee," rather than "Hmm, maybe he has a point, maybe I shouldn't go into stores expecting them to be cheerful about cleaning up a mess that I could have easily avoided making." I mean, in a restaurant, they don't scream at you if you knock over your soda--the bookstore equivalent might be putting a book back in the wrong place out of ignorance--but the manager at a restaurant would have your head if you started having a food fight in the place, and he'd be well within his rights in kicking you out. In a bookstore, making a pile of thirty-odd career guides with no intention to put them back is a food fight. Grow up.

12/27/04

And my Register Jackass Award of the day goes to . . . this guy!

As you may imagine it's return time. This, however, was an unusual return. Okay, get this. Now, not only was this guy returning three books, but what he really wanted was to return the books he'd bought his son at full price and then BUY THEM AGAIN IMMEDIATELY because there was a coupon that was good only today from 8 to 10 AM for an extra 30% off any hardback book. So, he wanted to return books he'd bought at full price already so he could take advantage of a temporary discount. And on top of that . . . he wanted to do it on three books when the coupon expressly said "one coupon per customer per visit," and he had made copies of it so he could use it on three different books. Well, I went up to the register to do this return and overheard the guy telling the register girl that this transaction needed to hurry up and get underway because the clock was ticking on how long the coupon would be good. I got up there, he explained the situation, and then when I read him the coupon that prohibited what he was trying to do, he replied, "Well, I'm returning these, it's a RETURN, it's not difficult," and I told him it wasn't a matter of difficulty, it was a matter of "you've got coupons that say on them that you can't do what you're trying to do." I told the cashier she needed to get the manager to make this decision because I for one was not going to take responsibility for this one--either doing it and getting in trouble with corporate OR dealing with this guy's reaction if I denied his return. So I walked off to go back to what I was doing, and as I passed the guy was like, "This isn't DIFFICULT, this isn't COMPLICATED." Whatever!

So my manager called the cashier back and told her to get me back there and just give the guy whatever he wanted. Oh, uncool. I went back up and called the manager back and asked her how she wanted me to do it. "The coupon says 'one coupon per person per visit,' so do you want three separate transactions or what?" Meanwhile the guy's spouting, "Well, I'll go in and out three times. I'll walk in and out of this store three different times. It's not COMPLICATED." I told him in a rather annoyed tone that it wasn't a matter of my not understanding what he wanted to do; it was a matter of whether I was allowed to and HOW. So finally the manager just told me to do it all on one transaction since one return incident with three items somehow looks better on the facts and figures than would three separate returns with one item each. She told me she just didn't want to listen to the guy whining because she'd have to come up and deal with it. So, I just did what she told me to, and then I went back into the store. I overheard the guy talking to his wife, who asked him if we had allowed him to play his rip-off game. (Obviously they had both discussed whether it would work before coming in.) He replied, "Oh, yeah, I just told them I'd walk in and out of the store three times if I had to, and they relented." Yup, you won a big battle, guy. And the huge difference he got back was about ten dollars for three books. Big score. I mentioned this incident to another manager on her next shift and asked her what she would have done, and she said, "Copied coupons? I would have handed him his coupons back and told him to quit being a rip-off artist." I would have liked to see that.

Some lady came up to our desk all rubbing her hands together and addressed my manager: "Would you all mind turning off the air?" My manager, unsure if she'd heard the lady correctly, replied, "WHAT?" and she requested again that we turn off the air conditioning. "We don't have on any AIR CONDITIONING," she said . . . my God, it's the middle of winter. Why would we have AIR CONDITIONING on? "Well, I feel something blowing," the woman insisted. Oh yes, because you feel a draft that means we're wrong and we've actually got the air on in December. That makes sense. Actually our heat is broken thanks. And guess what else? We can't leave like you can. I personally feel like a popsicle. So deal, 'kay?

12/26/04

Back from Christmas. Oh the joy!

Some girl wanted a book called The Illuminati, but she couldn't pronounce it and spelled it for me, also seeming to think I would have never heard this strange word before. Yeah. I told her I'd have to order it and she's like, "You're out?" and I told her we just didn't carry it and she's like, "WHAT? WHY?" Because . . . we . . . don't? Okay then.

Doing returns is so fun! Oh yeah! So, we have a policy that if you don't have a receipt, you have to either get stuff to exchange it for, or you have to get a store credit. A lady was returning stuff and buying stuff to exchange it for, but the stuff she was getting to replace it wasn't quite as expensive as the stuff she was returning, so this is a problem because without receipt I'm not supposed to give ANY money back. I explained this situation to the lady and then told her that the difference was about a dollar, that I'd owe her a little over a dollar, and she dismissively waved her hand and said, "Oh, well, that's okay." I had to explain to her that it WASN'T "okay." I needed her to spend more or get store credit. I can't give money back and I can't just tell the register "don't worry about that extra buck." Meh.

Heh, there was this CUTE kid I overheard telling his dad, "I have a headache . . . in my back. It's a BACK HEADACHE." So cute.

12/24/04

Today was kinda fun. We had a lot of employees on the schedule in case it got really busy but it wasn't that bad, so some of us screwed around a bit. I stood in the back and ate fruit dipped in caramel for part of the day, and then another associate and I did a really tacky duet singing along to the really horrible retail Christmas music, and then we put a sale sticker on my head and I got on a cart and another employee pushed me around the store yelling "Elf on sale!" Then I climbed on a sale table and announced I was on discount. Then me and another employee tried to cram ourselves in sale bins. It was fun.

Grr. Okay, this guy was the most annoying one today. First off he was one of those people who wouldn't finish his sentences. I kept having to prompt him to keep talking so that I could get some idea of what he was looking for. He would stop dead in the middle of a sentence and trail off as if he'd said enough for me to get the picture but was actually being very vague. Like this daughter of his, I think--in any case, an adult female person he had to get a present for--liked to write movies and he wanted to get her a book about what to do to market them or something. I found a couple related things but he didn't like them, and kept saying things like, "I think she'd like something a little more. . . . " And then just not say the rest. "Well I was hoping you had. . . . " "I don't know, I'm really looking for. . . . " Come on! Anyway, then he said another of her interests was coaching soccer, and I took him to Sports and found him The Soccer Coaching Bible and he looked at it and did that annoying thing some more, "Oh, no, not really something like that, I was thinking something more. . . . " Guy, tell me what you want so I can, like, help or LEAVE. He also wanted some really old book and seemed to totally know what it was about but yet had no way of communicating this to me. ::sigh::

And someone referred to J.K. Rowling's books as "Books by Harry Potter" today. Is everyone just a friggin' jackass?

"Look, she looks like a little elf." WHY DO THEY ALL SAY "LITTLE"? When I'm standing at Customer Service I look pretty tall, okay? Or at least sort of normal-sized. Whatever.

I was helping some lady and caught her staring at me, and I asked her a question and she didn't answer, then sort of shook herself out of her dream and said, "Oh, SORRY, I was just looking at your ears." I know, they're such a big mystery, aren't they? I also find them puzzling and worthy of pondering. Or not.

12/22/04

Had a fun little conversation with a man! I helped him find a book, and then tried to excuse myself to help others with my usual "Is there anything else you're looking for?" However, instead of the usual dismissal I get at this line, the man said, "Uh-huh." "There is?" I prompted, and the guy didn't even look at me, just was silent. So I asked him again if he needed anything else, and this time he was like, "Huh? OH. No thanks." Ehh. Don't answer questions when you haven't listened to what they are.

Some lady came up to my coworker and handed him two books. "Could you take care of these for me please, thank you," were her words. So he figured, guess she doesn't want them, wants me to put them back for her. He did so and forgot about it. Then, with me unaware of this whole interaction, the lady came to the desk and I asked if she needed help. She said she wanted the books she'd had put aside and I didn't know what she meant or what they were or where, and she hadn't given a name to put them on hold or anything so I was at a loss. She said it was okay and she would wait for "the gentleman" to come back and tell her where he'd put them. Then we come to find out she thought "could you take care of these for me" was some kind of instruction that she would be coming back for them and wanted them held at the desk. What in the WORLD?

This old guy came to the store and he didn't seem to want anything, but he kept chatting to us girls at the desk and sort of flirting with us. When I asked him if he needed anything he was talking about how he wanted my pigtails, and I asked him if he was just admiring the view and he said yes. And he told my coworker she had a pretty smile and how he wished he was younger. He said a lot of really weird flirty things. Then this younger guy who was with him--maybe a son?--came up and sort of kiddingly admonished him, "Are you flirting again? Come on, get your old self out of here." Heh.

A lady didn't have her discount card and so my coworker on the register had to look her up. He asked for her phone number because that's the easiest way to look people up, and nothing came up. So he searched by her name and up she came; the record of her discount card only showed her name and no address or phone number. So he asked if he could update her information in the computer, and asked for her phone number again. She gave this huge disgusted sigh and was very deliberate about repeating her phone number for him, ya know, that air of "my GOD you ass face, why must you waste my time?" Know what I say to that? I'm gonna rattle off my phone number, and then in another minute with no preparation I'm gonna tell you to call me and see whether you happen to remember that number.

So some unhinged lady attacked one of my coworkers. What had happened was she went back to the gift wrap section, found a package of three gift bags, OPENED the plastic on it, and removed one not-labeled-for-individual-sale gift bag, and took it to the register to be rung up. When my coworker told her that it wasn't marked for retail sale and she explained what she'd done, he told her he couldn't sell it like that and he needed the package and she was going to have to buy the whole thing if she wanted one. She explained that she only NEEDED one and we could KEEP the extra two, but he told her she might as well take them since she's gonna get charged for them anyway. Then she got all freaked out, "But I'm in a HURRY," she kept saying, and then she started demanding that he sell it to her, she's in a hurry, she can't go back there and get the ripped-open leftover bag package she left on the shelf, she is going to be LATE FOR HER MOVIE (which as we all know is the end of all things), and she started like reaching across the counter and shoving the bag at him like she was going to somehow MAKE him ring it up, trying to push it under the scanner and also weirdly putting her hands on him in this weird threatening panicked way. My coworker took a step back and said really loudly, "JESUS CHRIST, LADY, HAPPY HOLIDAYS," and repeated what the problem was--it wasn't that he was being a jerk, it was that he COULD NOT SELL IT without some UPC code. Finally she calmed down and apologized and admitted that she knew it wasn't his fault, et cetera, and all the customers who had seen her doing that were really disturbed. He said that her groping him really caused him to ponder calling the cops. He also said if it had been a guy he probably would have punched him or something, but it was just so unexpected because it was this little old lady. Beee-zarre.

"You look like a little elf today!" This one is really common. I didn't get this last year. What's the deal? And someone said, "You're an elf, huh? Nice outfit." And someone else just said the "nice ears" thing again. Thrilling.

The best one was this cute little girl who asked me up front, "Are you an elf?" I kind of played the game and said I was, and she told me she figured I was pretty busy these days, and then told me solemnly, "I talked to Santa Claus one time." I asked her when that was, but she was a little kid so she had no concept of freakin' time, and so her mom answered for her and told me Santa called her on the phone last week. Heh. I exclaimed, "I didn't know he did that!" and they were like, yup! Then I said, "I'm sure he does a LOT of things I don't know about though." Heh.

12/21/04

So once upon a time there was this book called Unfit for Command. Everyone was up in arms because we didn't have it and assumed that our lack of having it meant we were liberal bastards with a leftist agenda. Remember that? I certainly ranted about it enough when the publishing company's lack of planning for a big release put us and every other bookstore up the creek, knee-deep in conservatives who were ready to never shop in our store again because of our apparent agenda, based on our lack of this book and our surplus of Bill Clinton's. ::ahem:: So anyway, we're used to being chewed out by asshole righty-tighty types. Would you believe now for the second time ever we got chewed out by a hippie?

One of my coworkers was asked for a Howard Dean book and we didn't carry it. My coworker was then called--and I quote--a "jack-booted Nazi" for not carrying it. Weirdly enough, the other liberal nut who insulted us for not carrying something that reiterated what he already knew he believed ALSO used the word "Nazi" in his sentence. So what is it about this situation that likens us to a German extremist movement from the earlier part of last century anyway? Just proves that there are suspicious assholes on both sides.

Heh, and I liked this guy. The dude came out and asked to check out, but he was at Customer Service so I had to refer him to the register. "Where's that?" he asked, swiveling his head around. I pointed and said it was in the corner, and he goes, "The corner? Where?" I pointed out the checkout and said it was under the big sign that said "Checkout," and he finally saw it and said, "AHH, okay. Imagine that, I'm in a bookstore and I can't read." HAHAH!

A guy returned a book from the Jump at the Sun series, the special Christmas one about Santa. I asked why he was returning the book (we're supposed to find out a reason), and it turned out that he was returning it because everyone in the book was black. He hadn't known when he bought it that he was getting a "black version" of the Christmas story, and was disturbed by black Santa and black children getting presents and whatnot. I informed him that the whole series told well-known stories accompanied by art featuring black characters. Heh. Imagine that, a book being returned because the guy doesn't like the characters' race. . . .

Had a woman come to Customer Service and try to check out. When I told her I didn't have a register and she could choose Checkout or Café, she just kind of looked around in surprise and said, "I can't check out here?" Oh sure you can, so that's why I said go elsewhere, that makes sense right? Then she goes, "Well what's THIS desk?" We told her it was Customer Service and she goes, "Well what's THIS desk for? Just returns?" We're Customer Service. We help people find shit in this gigantic friggin' store. Okay?

These two teenage-looking girls were sitting in the little train benches in my kids' section, which is kind of unusual for adult-sized people. Then one of them was looking at the audio books for kids and was talking about how she wanted to read Eragon. I happened to be walking by when she said that and I made a disgusted sort of face. One of them said to the other, "Ahh, she thinks we're weird because we're lookin' at little kids' books." I replied, "NO, I just REALLY hate that book." One asked why, and I kind of gave them a really brief explanation of why. God I hate that book.

Time for all the witty elf comments.

This seems to happen a lot: "Hello there, little elf!" Erm. Why do they all have to say "little"???

"You're the most Christmasy person I've seen yet this season." This is ironic because I dressed up more than usual in honor of the winter solstice, but hey. . . .

"Hi cute little elf!!!" Dear Lord, make it stop. This was from the mail carrier. He came up and said that and then just kept making all these goofy jokes. "Well I bet YOU'RE working hard, aren't ya?? You gonna be ready in time for the 25th?" I kind of joked back that if I wasn't, they'd revoke my hat. And then the bastard tweaked my ears. Bleh.

12/20/04

I had this dude who came in all shiny-faced and happy to be Christmas shopping in the thick of the season, and he greeted me in the morning and asked me how I was. I told him I was "makin' it." And he kind of cheerfully scolded me for my attitude, telling me, "If it's busy it makes it go faster, you know that right?" Yes, sage advice--I'm so happy when it's ridiculously busy and full of people who have entered Shoppers' Panic™ and don't know what they want and want you to get it for them anyway and are all frigging crabby and impatient and have third-hand information from someone about what this friend of their husband wants and he's probably going to get at least two of them for Christmas anyway and yeah, I just LOVE this season don't you? Show me a Christmas shopper who expects me to be cheerful and I'll show you a person who has never worked in retail.

I was bagging something at the register for some guy and he kept trying to grab the frickin' bag before I was done bagging. It's really irritating to me when people think they're helping--the guy kept like trying to hand me things while I was ringing and trying to hold the bag for me while I was bagging (then of course tried to take it too soon and before I put the receipt in and everything). I know what I'm doing and I probably do it faster than you could, so please, just leave me the hell alone.

Phone call: "Do you have wireless Internet there?" I replied that we didn't. My response was followed by a short silence, and then the guy on the phone said, "No??" Hah, just foolin', yes we do! I was only joshin' when I said we didn't have it. Good thing you asked for confirmation there bud! That's just one of the things that irks me: People who expect one answer and then get shell-shocked when they get the opposite one.

Ugh. Fuggin' UPS jerkoff was ringing the bell while my manager was at the bank with the only frickin' key. I couldn't open the door and I was with a customer, and then the jackass called into the store and told me I needed to open the door. I explained to him that there was no one who could because no one in the store at the moment had a key, and the guy goes, "Well can't you just send someone back here and buzz us in?" I told him again that we had no KEY, and in the middle of me saying so he HUNG UP ON ME. Well excuse the shit out of me for not having a magic button to just make the bad old lock go away. Jerk.

Some lady called and wanted off our mailing list. Meh? The thing is, we don't send stuff out often--like twice a year--and it's coupons, not like weird ads or things you're getting because we sold your name to another company, and she was kind of saying it all haughtily like "you people need to take me off your invasive list" type thing. Clue phone: You gave us your address when you signed up for a discount card. I told her that, ya know, so she wouldn't be sitting there thinking she was some victim of an address harvest or something. And I told her I'd do what I could. . . . Bleh.

Some dude called and said, "Do y'all have cards?" Since I can think of three items we sell that could be called "cards," I asked for clarification, and it turned out he wanted gift certificates. Jeez. I told him we did have them and he goes, "Well how much are they?" Well, that depends on how much you put on your gift certificate, sir. Brilliant eh? Then he goes, "So is your store the only place you can get those?" I asked what he meant and he informed me that other stores, like grocery stores, are selling like gift certificates to Home Depot and Barnes & Noble or something. News to me! Yes, please come to our store to get one of our cards, we're not in on that.

Some lady came up and asked me, "Do you have anything like Larry the Cable Guy?" I told her I didn't know what she meant by "anything like." Since I don't know what Larry the Cable Guy is. Oh well. I looked it up and there were no books, but the lady still wasn't being clear on whether that was specifically what she wanted or whether she wanted something similar to it but in a book. She went on to tell me more about the fabled Larry, but nothing that helped me figure out, ya know, how to help her and make her leave me alone so the next person standing there tapping their foot could be helped.

Some lady called about the illustrated version of The Da Vinci Code. I told her we carried it and went to go grab a copy, and she told me she wanted to know the price. I got one and read off the price to her, and then she goes, "Now, there's a regular version and then there's an ILLUSTRATED one, I want the ILLUSTRATED one," and I explained that I heard her the first time, knew the difference, and was holding and quoting about the one she was talking about. She proceeded to go on and tell me that the illustrated one had pictures. Okay, so, at this point I have known what she was talking about from the beginning of the conversation and I think she's still at the point where she thinks I'm digging around with no idea what she wants. So I have to explain to her that I know "illustrated version" means "the one with pictures," and that the illustrated version is more expensive than the original, and that we have both and that I BLOODY WELL KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. I swear to God, these people are going to make my head explode.

12/19/04

Some guy had ordered a book and he came in to pick it up. He told me he had "had some trouble in the past" with our store and picking up special orders, and he wanted to know if there was something I could do about that, if when he ordered things I could give him a statement or something. I told him if he asked for it we could indeed print out an invoice or whatever, but I invited him to explain to me the nature of the "trouble" he'd had because I wanted to try and figure out . . . well, let's be honest here, I wanted to explain to him how it was probably all his fault. :) So he tells me he came in one day and asked about his book and we couldn't find a record of his order at all--like he never placed one--and then an hour later we called him and told him his book was in. Which was kind of a problem because he lives really far out of town. I looked at the book he'd ordered and it turned out they'd made a typo on his area code when they entered the book in. You see, now, this explains EVERYTHING. We search for books by phone number. It makes sense that if his book was filed in the system under a typo, that it wouldn't come up when searched for, but that when a discerning person like my manager was calling people she would notice that the area code made no sense and called the right one. However, when I explained this to him he totally didn't get it. I was like, see, see, it was our fault for typing the number in wrong, whoever did it screwed up--I am fixing it and it won't happen that way again, so it's not like we're some kind of weird unreliable company who always loses people's books. But he kept on with this attitude asking me what he can do in the future to make sure he has proof that he ordered and stuff . . . and I'm like, listen. Guy. I fixed what caused your problem in the first place. It sucks that there was a problem. It sucks that you drove fifty miles and were told your book wasn't in the system only to find out it really was and that someone typoed. Typoing sucks and causes problems but it isn't a friggin' crime and it isn't indicative of a major issue in our company's handling of orders. So STOP BEING A FRICKIN' BALL-LICKER. Thank you. (Not to mention that the order hadn't come in yet when he made that fifty-mile trip the day before the book arrived--if he had waited for our call like he was supposed to he probably wouldn't have even NOTICED that his number was on the sticker incorrectly.)

A guy came up and said, "Excuse me, where's your business section?" I pointed and told him it was the big sign on the wall that said "Business & Computers," and he goes, "And that's ALL you have?" Since it is a fairly colossal section I got a bit confused at that comment and asked him what he was looking for, and he didn't tell me but began to complain about how there were only a few business books on "that table." I told him I was not talking about a table, I was talking about that whole corner of the store under the big sign on the wall that said "Business & Computers," and I pointed again. He goes, "I already SAW that, just the table?" And I told him again it wasn't a table and to look where I was pointing. He just continued to look over at the same table he thought I was talking about. I had to prod him one more time to LOOK WHERE I WAS POINTING and listen to my words "IT'S THE BIG LETTERS ON THE WALL." It's always odd to me that people who want my help will not listen to what I'm saying.

Just got two different people who said "I like your ears." And one person complimented my ears and then asked me where I'd gotten them. I replied, "I inherited them from my mother." Ya happy?

12/18/04

I heard some lady wandering around the kids' section talking on her cell phone trying to figure out who a book was by. I overheard her say, "Well, it's The Secret Garden, I think it's by Beverly Clearly." First of all, that name is "Beverly Cleary," not "Clearly," and secondly, she didn't write The Secret freakin' Garden. And weirdly enough, shortly afterwards another associate had a phone call from someone who was looking for "Ramona, by Judy Blume." There is no book called Ramona, but the books about the character Ramona (such as Ramona Quimby, Age 8 and Ramona and Her Father) are not by Judy Blume. They're by . . . Beverly Cleary. I think all these people are sharing a brain today, and unfortunately it is a rather empty brain. Meh.

Only one person said anything of note about the elf thing today. And that was someone who looked really startled and said, "Are those your REAL ears? I got confused!" Pardon me?

12/15/04

My jerky winner of the day is this lady who managed to commit several transgressions. First off, I was helping a customer who had a REALLY hard time communicating with me--she was trying to get help finding a book but she had a really thick accent and I couldn't understand what she wanted. I understood that the book was a biography about a person who was on TV, but since I don't watch TV I wasn't familiar with the name and couldn't extrapolate enough from what she was saying to figure out how it might be spelled. I asked her to spell it and even her saying the letters was difficult to understand. So my jerk lady came up behind her and was impatiently awaiting my help, and when I told the lady I didn't understand what she was saying, the jerk lady burst in with, "It's a person's NAME!" I told her I knew that and that I just didn't recognize it because I don't watch TV, but by this point I had found it in the computer and helped the other foreign lady find the book.

So. When I came back the lady was standing there waiting for me and of course she already had this conception that I was incompetent because I didn't know this TV personality. That was probably why she was very specific with her diction while telling me her information and did really obnoxious things like spelling the word "small." I immediately found that her first book would have to be ordered, and then her second one also. She determined that she wanted to order the second book and so since she was trying to order it I wanted to make sure it was the right thing and told her the author. "NO," she said snottily, and corrected me on the pronunciation of the name (which was one letter off from what I'd said). I checked my screen and saw that I hadn't misspoken or anything; I had read her what was on the screen. So I told her that the computer said what I'd said, and that I guessed sometimes people put it in the computer wrong. (Uh-huh.) I checked it after she was gone and right on the picture of the cover of the book they have the name spelled exactly like it's entered in the computer and exactly how I said it. Anyway, I thought she was gone, but then she came back and--get this--walked right past me to address her question to the Hallmark specialist. (Remember, I'm incompetent!) She told her that she wanted A Series of Unfortunate Events and suspected she must've walked right past it or something. My coworker said of course we had tons and took her to the closest place we had them: On a movie endcap where they're stacked in droves. The lady made a snide comment about how she didn't think to look there because she'd been looking in KIDS' and insinuated that it was pretty ridiculous that we didn't have any in the children's section. No, that I'm afraid I can't let stand. Two and a half of my shelves in Kids' Series are occupied by those books and it is not organized in a moon language--I don't have a screwball system that prevents perfectly reasonable people from finding a damn thing. So I called over to them that oh yes there were a ton of them in Kids' as well--in the series section. I volunteered that she probably just hadn't made it to the series area and left it at that. This whole entry sounds pretty petty, I guess, so probably you had to be there to see why this lady was being such a jackass. It's all in the attitude.

A lady wanted I Am Charlotte Simmons and as we were walking to the book she said, "Now, how can there be a new book by Tom Wolfe?" I asked her what she meant . . . ya know, I mean, the book is new, and it's by him, and I don't see what's the problem. "Well, just, I mean how can it be a NEW book by Tom WOLFE?" I told her I still didn't know what she meant. "Well, isn't he dead?" Apparently not. I doubt he'd appreciate that. She said she guessed she must be thinking of someone else. I hope so, because otherwise this gives ghostwriting a whole new meaning.

Heh. This one wasn't mine, but I was there. This lady was asking my coworker for a book we didn't carry, and then she goes, "Well, is there a reason you don't carry it?" She said we just didn't carry it, that there are a lot of books we don't carry, and the lady said, "Well is it because it's a Christian book?" My coworker assured her that that was not the reason; we have a whole Christian SECTION so I doubt we'd decide not to carry something because it was religious. "Well so then you're just out?" the lady persisted, and my coworker had to explain to her that not every book in existence is carried in the retail stores . . . fact is, for a book to be carried in a store there has to be a REASON to DO SO, not a reason NOT to. Buyers choose books, not pick and choose which few not to carry.

Or maybe we just hate you and we don't want you to get your book. Har har.

I helped a lady who wanted Star Wars books. I asked her if it was for a kid or an adult and when she said an adult I took her to Film. I showed her the few we had and she looked at them and then said, "Well, but you don't have any Star Wars books books?" What are "books books"? Do these somehow not qualify? It's actually really common for people to have this conception of what they want in their minds and then expect that their description is unique to their product when actually they're being really vague. It's like when people say "I want baby books" and then I ask for clarification and they give it by saying, "You know, like, books for a baby?" And I have had that description given to me by people looking for pregnancy books; books on raising babies; books to give babies to read, look at, and chew; and books to fill in with babies' memories. Look, it's a big place and we sell a lot of different kinds of stuff. Be specific already. Explain to me what you mean by "books books."

Fun comments by incredibly witty people regarding my choice of attire!

"I'm just now noticing your little ear tops. Those are adorable." Yeah. Yer mom.

"Okay, I LOVE your ears. Where'd you get them?" Yer mom.

"Nice ears." Yer mom!

12/14/04

This is amusing. It involves a mistake by our company and a witty comment by one of our managers. See, two copies of this book on erectile dysfunction were slapped with the wrong sticker at the warehouse and displayed the title "The Art of the Piano." Somehow someone did not notice that it was a book on erectile dysfunction when they sorted it into the box for the music section, and then someone else didn't notice that it was a book on erectile dysfunction when they put it on the shelf in the piano section. Sometimes people are totally asleep while stocking. Anyway, my manager pulled the books out and was mentioning the incident to another manager, and then she delightedly said, "Well, it is about pianists. . . . " She definitely deserves to be dragged into the street and shot, or at least tarred and feathered, for that one.

Speaking of annoying company stuff, I don't know whose idea it was to buy a ton of Sanrio junk but we now have this series of off-white Hello Kitty plush. It just kinda doesn't look right. Kitty-chan is normally white, and she looks wrong when she's off-white. No, actually, you know what it looks like? It looks like Hello Kitty rolled around in her own pee for a while. You know how some wild animals do that? Roll in urine to increase smell or something? Yeah. It's Rolled-In-Pee Hello Kitty. And we also have a "Limited Edition Plush" for the 25th anniversary Hello Kitty or something. Now tell me something. How did the term "edition" begin to apply to items that are not printed material? Later "editions" of books come out because they have been changed. EDITED. How the fuck do you edit a stuffed animal? She's not an edition. She's a stuffed sock. Get over it.

Oh, and I was playing with the Beanie Babies today, trying to make sure they were in the order the planogram thingie says they're supposed to be, and then I had to go away to help a customer and I came back and noticed that this heap of dogs I'd just put up looked hilarious. One of the dogs absolutely, 100% looked like it was peeing on the other dog's head. Its leg was lifted and it was perfectly positioned. I couldn't have done that better if I'd tried. Now I just gotta find a pair that looks like they're humping. . . .

On to the real Assholes.

Okay, so this girl might not have actually been a jerk, but I was certainly surprised by her ignorance. I was called to the register for a return and the girl asked me whether it was okay to return books that weren't bought at our store. I asked her if she got it at the other store and she's like, "No, Gator Textbooks" and pulls out her RATTY OLD MUSIC TEXTBOOK. She thought she could do that book buyback deal at a store that doesn't even carry textbooks. I explained this to her, and she replied, "Oh, well I tried to sell back to where I got it and they said to try other stores." (This always happens when a new edition is coming out of your textbook or the class is not gonna use it next semester or something--it means you're outta luck.) I guess they just forgot to mention that "other stores" includes TEXTBOOK STORES, not actual retail stores. We don't buy back books that you used and highlighted and probably got food on. Sorry.

Some guy called for a book called SQL: A Beginner's Guide. I told him I was in another part of the store and would go to the desk right then to look it up. When I got to the computer I wanted to make sure I was getting it right and said, "SQL beginner's guide, right?" and he goes, "No, SQL . . . A Beginner's Guide." Oh yes, because this jackass who is trying to learn a very advanced computer-related thingie does not understand that words like a, an, and the are ignored in search engines and are therefore not important. (Not to mention that I wasn't trying to say the exact title anyway--just confirming that it was an SQL beginner's guide that he wanted.) And then, the punch line? When I got a bunch of other stuff and didn't see his book, it turned out he had the ISBN. Don't make it easy for me or anything. (The "A Beginner's Guide" part wasn't even in my computer, it was just under the title "SQL," and the "A Beginner's Guide" was a subtitle or something. That's why it didn't come up immediately.)

A lady called and I said my phone spiel. I heard a pause and then she goes, "Hello?" I repeated a shortened version, identifying where she'd called. "Um, yes. Um . . . hello?" she said. Jeezus. Bad connection anyone? I hung up. She called back and this time when I answered I just got her breathing. So I hung up again. Then finally she called and when I did my spiel she goes, "Hello? OH, um, what store is this?" I would really appreciate it if when you called me you were actually ready to talk to me, okay?

A lady was looking for a DVD and I told her we don't sell those. "You'll have to go to a place that sells movies to get that," said one of my managers. "We're just a bookstore." The lady replied, with a cross face, "Well, I GOT it at a bookstore. . . . " Well, some bookstores also sell DVDs. We don't. Hence the statement "we're JUST a bookstore." Feh! Here, insist that you got a DVD at a bookstore a little nastier and we'll show you where we're hiding them.

A woman called asking if we carried a certain gizmo. She described it as being a device you clip onto a book that actually has an electronic dictionary in it. "I can't tell you how many times I've been reading and wished for a dictionary," she said dottily. Okay, just as an aside, I read a lot and sometimes I have to look a word up now and then, but I certainly don't need a dictionary clipped onto my book in order to understand. Maybe some people do, all right, fine. Anyway, I told her I hadn't seen such a thing but that I would check, and I looked around. As I was doing so she told me all that useless information that customers think helps employees find things: Explaining how big it is, what it does, that she saw it at Barnes & Noble, that it's around forty dollars. I finally finished my search coming up empty, and told her I didn't see anything but that it sounded like a neat little gadget. "Well, I don't know if I would call it a gadget," she said doubtfully, as if my thinking it was a "gadget" had maybe caused a misunderstanding that impeded my ability to find said device. "It's about forty dollars, so that's not really gadget price, I don't think."

Am I the only person who thinks she's smoking the rock?

I was not aware that there was some well-defined price range for what constitutes a gadget. Oh wait! Maybe that's something I can look up in the dictionary! Here goes: gadget: 'ga-j&t--NOUN: an often small mechanical or electronic device with a practical use but often thought of as a novelty. Hrmm. Don't see any price definitions in there. I do, however, see a definition that exactly fits my use of the word. Coincidence? I think not.

I ran the register a little bit today and I was kinda being silly at one point and just kinda talking to myself as I was ringing things up. This lady had a stack of purchases, and I was naming them as I rang them up: "Okay, card, card, wrapping paper, sale book, Leap Pad--" And all of a sudden the customer I was ringing up burst in with "SHH!!!" Her child was being kind of loud, so I figured she was talking to the kid, but then when I rang up a second Leap Pad and said so the lady repeated her "SHH!" and stage-whispered, "IT'S A PRESENT!" pointing frantically at the little one. Hah! Okay, well first of all I don't appreciate being shushed. You don't do that to other grown-ups, okay Mom? And secondly, if your kid is oblivious enough that you can shop for her Christmas gifts while she's standing right in front of you, I'm doubting she'll suddenly shrewdly pick up on what you're getting her if the cashier happens to say it. Ugh. How about letting me know up front that we're dealing with secrets in front of the in-the-dark party if it's so important?

Okay so yesterday some lady called me and wanted to order a book to the Pensacola store because by the time it would have come in, she would have been there visiting family, and she was ordering a gift for those people she's visiting. I understood what she wanted to do, but the problem was that the Pensacola people weren't answering the phone. No matter how many times she called, they never picked up. "I can't get them to answer their phone," she said irritably, and yesterday I checked the number against what she had just to make sure she was dialing right. Today she called back and told me she STILL couldn't get through and insisted I do something about it. "Can't you call them on their OTHER line?" she said, and I had to explain we didn't have some magic in-store phone. "Can't you send them an e-mail?" she went on, and I told her what I would do is take down her contact info, her book info, and whatever else so I could try to place the order and that I would keep her in the loop.

I asked my manager what was up with this (after I also tried calling their store and got no answer). She informed me that actually THE PENSACOLA STORE WAS BLOWN AWAY IN THE HURRICANES. Well that is a really, really good reason for not answering your phone. (I called and left a message on the lady's answering machine telling her the deal and encouraging her to call us if we could be of further assistance. But something tells me she's not getting anything from that store anytime soon. Har har!)

12/13/04

A dense lady approached me holding two books: Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul and Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul: Book IV. Her issue: "Are these the same book?" She went into great detail about how confusing it was to her that they looked different and one said "IV" on it but "they're both number one." You can imagine how I didn't understand why she thought they were both number one. After much mystified philosophizing, it came clear to me that she thought they were "both number one" because they both said "#1 New York Times Bestseller!" on them. The big "#1" on top was completely destroying her sense of reality, and yet she refused to read the rest of the words after the big #1. Really, lady, we could have spared me some time and you some BRAIN CELLS if you would READ.

I had one of those people who thought my answer of "we don't have it" meant "I don't know where it is because I'm incompetent, so I'll pretend to be sure we don't have it." After I had already told her that we didn't carry what she was looking for, she started suggesting alternate sections it could be in. Fucking annoying.

Oh, horrors. Our company is buying very ridiculous things. We got in these boxes of kids' jewelry. One is shiny beads and the other is little square beads with letters on them; you put the bracelets together yourself. The sad part? The alphabet letter kit is called "BLOCK PARTY" and the sparkly set is called "BLING BLING." If there is one thing I will never understand, it is why big corporate companies don't get that if they know a scrap of slang, by that point it probably isn't cool anymore. Oh God. Hwarf.

A lady was asking me where Harry Potter was and I showed her. She noticed that the most recent book, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, had a big 40% off sticker on it. "Is this the only one on sale?" she asked, picking it up. I told her yes, it was just the newest one that was on sale. "So just the new one?" she said, and I agreed, mystified as to why that needed clarification. Then she mystified me some more with her next sentence: "So none of the old ones are on sale?" Lady, if you're practicing your Jedi Mind Tricks, it goes like this: "The old ones are on sale too." And then I'm supposed to intone, "Yes, the old ones are on sale too." It doesn't work if you phrase it in the form of a question, because that's just for Jeopardy!

A woman in an obvious hurry decided whoever I was talking to on the phone wasn't as important as her, and kept bouncing around at the desk going, "Ma'am? Ma'am??" I just kind of gave her the "Sorry, I'm on the phone" grin and a cheesy thumbs-up (though I really would have liked to give her a different finger), and she continued to make these gestures like I needed to pay attention to her right away or else she would explode. Finally when the person on the phone put me on hold, she was like, "Ma'am, I just need to ask you a QUESTION!" Um, yes, because none of these other people on the phone or in the line want to do that--they actually are here to listen to me sing Christmas carols and to gaze upon my glorious countenance. Only you actually want anything. She went on: "I just need you to tell me if a BOOK is here!" I played the game and quick looked up her title, and told her the computer said we carried the book, but that I'd have to help her in a minute if she needed help finding it. In other words, get in frickin' line, asshole! "Well I just need you to tell me if it's HERE. If it's not, I can leave!" Ohh, so she believed that I could just type in a book title and find out if the book was on the shelf. I explained to her (while still on hold and still being stared at by two customers) that we don't have a perpetual inventory system; the only way to tell if the book is on the shelf is to, ya know, go to the shelf. She sputtered her way back to the section indignantly. I hope she had to dig around and make herself late for whatever hideously important date she had planned. Didn't you go to kindergarten? There's no butting allowed! Oohh, I'm tellin'!

A lady came up and told me she wanted "The Sex and the City CD set." I was understandably confused by this as I don't understand what could be on a CD about a TV show. I asked for clarification and she kept getting patchy as she tried to explain she wanted "the CDs, the CDs--no it's not an audio book, no it's not about the TV show." Ahh--it finally dawned on me. She was looking to actually buy the show. And didn't realize that that's called a DVD. Or that we don't sell DVDs. Sometimes I can be a little dense when people come in the store assuming I know what they're talking about even though it's a product we don't even sell. She uttered the inevitable "Well who would have it?" question after I told her we don't do the DVD thing. I hate that too. Because I *know* as soon as I tell her Best Buy sells DVDs, she'll be over there at that store annoyed that they're out of it insisting that "the girl at the bookstore SAID you had it!" I did not. Screw you. Go shop somewhere else! ARGH! YES I AM IN THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT! [Insert battle cry. . . . ]

I hate those people who kidnap you for one question and then act like they've now got a personal shopping assistant who is supposed to follow them around for half an hour as they make their choices. I got one of those in the kids' section today. This lady told me she wanted one of E.B. White's books but couldn't remember which two she had previously bought but whatever one she HADN'T bought yet she wanted to get . . . in hardback. I took her to the section and we had three E.B. White books but NONE of them was in hardback except for a box set of Charlotte's Web and Stuart Little or something and she already had Charlotte's Web. So basically, at this point the whole quest was moot because we did not have hardbacks and she wanted only hardbacks. But regardless of that she stood there deliberating over which ones she might have bought before and just like standing there babbling about it like I was supposed to be able to help her with that. Then she had another question that caused me to take her to the Caldecott section, and I watched her pull out a single faced-out copy of a book that was holding some others up. The books started to slide down. She was oblivious. She opened the book and then put it back on the shelf and the books fell the rest of the way, and she acted REALLY surprised. Okay. Like, I know that not everyone works in a bookstore, but one does not have to be a seasoned bookstore employee to understand the laws of physics and to understand that when you remove something that is holding other things up, THEY'RE GOING TO FALL ON YOU. Jeez. All I can say is, I have never worked in a grocery store, and yet I can honestly say I have NEVER chosen an apple from the bottom of the pyramid. It's just common sense, and this is coming from a girl who doesn't have much of that.

Fun elf comments. First off, some lady said, "You look like a little elf." Guess what? That was intentional!

Second, at the register some woman goes, "I like your ears." I kinda mumbled a thanks and she goes, "It startled me for a moment." Well, that's happened before. She went on: "I've never seen anything like it." I didn't really know what to say and kinda babbled while I was ringing her up, volunteering that some people have been thinking my ears were just part of the hat but they weren't. "Oh, no, I knew that," she said, nodding. "I can tell, those are real." Umkay.

And then I was helping some mom and her little daughter and the kid was holding her mom's hand staring at me with these big eyes, and when I turned around to lead them wherever Mom wanted to go, the kid addressed her mother in a stage whisper: "Mommy, LOOK, she's an ELF." (Ya know, because when I turn around I suddenly can't hear. My ears are about as sharp as they look, kids!) I wonder if she thought I was helping Santa?

12/12/04

ARGH, my head's gonna splodey.

Some lady said she was looking for newspapers but had been to the back of the store and there weren't any back there. "Which one are you looking for?" I asked, and she told me it was an Ocala newspaper that we have never carried. So I told her we didn't carry it and then she goes, "But there are NONE back there, where DO you have newspapers?" I told her there WERE some back there but there were only a few and they were under the television, and others on a rack by the café. "But I'm not wrong that it DOES say 'Newspapers,' right?" she said sort of condescendingly, and I don't know what kind of point she was trying to make. I again told her there WERE some newspapers back there, but I ended up saying this to her as she was scooting off in another direction, never to return. What was she asking, for me to confirm that she had indeed read the word "Newspapers" right on the wall? Yes, it says that. No, that's not the only place they are. YES, THERE ARE SOME THERE. If you were trying to prove some point about us having a nonsensical sign, it doesn't work in this case, sorry. . . .

I helped a girl who was nice and all, but she kept kinda annoying me because she wanted me to find her "cheap" books. She wanted them to all be on sale and she wanted them to be "good." Fiction books. I showed her where all the fiction on sale tables was and told her I couldn't recommend any personally (except for the one I already HAD) because I hadn't read them. "You haven't read ANY of these?" she asked, like I'm some kid who hasn't done her homework. I told her I hadn't but actually a lot of what I read is kids' books. "WHY?" she asked. I told her for one I was in charge of the kids' section, jeez. Anyway. She wanted books by a certain author that I have read, and claimed that there were only two of his books on the shelf. She was carrying the one she wanted, but since I'd managed to find her a sale-priced version of it she just put it down on the sale table like that made sense. I picked it up and kinda said (as if to myself), "Well, that doesn't go there," and carried it around with me 'til I was done with her. When I did indeed go back to the section to put the book away, there were four titles by the author, and he has only written like a couple more that we didn't have so I dunno what she expected.

There was a sign for a Coconut calendar and this lady goes, "Is this free?" I told her it wasn't, it was $6.95 (as per the price on the back). She goes, "Well, it SAYS 'free.'" I looked at the cardboard display's advertisement and read the rest of it to her. "Free with purchase of two Coconut books." Then I offered to show her where those were and she ignored me. Yeah, that's the ticket, demand things righteously because they're on a sign, but don't bother to read the rest of the sign. Of course, this is from a woman who also asked me where Harry Potter was and when I asked her which book in the series she wanted she goes, "Harry Potter." Brilliant, I tell you.

Someone called and asked me to put a copy of Eragon on hold. Ewww, I had to touch Eragon! Holy hell how I hate that book. Yeah, that's all.

Some guy wanted Christianity Today magazine and my computer said we didn't carry it. The guy didn't take it well, and he said something like, "No offense or anything, but I am getting exasperated with how I can't FIND anything in this town." He explained how he had just moved here from a bigger city and had been disappointed to find that some of the things he was used to having were no longer available in a smaller town. "I was told that this was an EDUCATED city," he complained. Yes, and that necessarily means we will have . . . Christian magazines? I don't see what the link is.

Meh. Some woman wanted books by Bill O'Reilly and the only one I had was one she didn't want. She wanted his first one and I kept saying this was the only one I had, but I guess that wasn't what she wanted to hear because she kept replying, "Well I really wanted the first one. Do you have it? Oh you don't have it? Well I wanted the first one. So you don't have it?" I don't get why people can't see that when there is a line six feet long and people waiting for my help on the phone, I really don't need to be asked the same question six times.

I was on the phone and this girl got my attention and I was thinking she was just oblivious to me being on the phone and was being a jerk customer, but then she just goes, "I really like your little ears." Well well. So glad to hear it. Heheh.

12/11/04

Hehe. I was running the register and I managed to sell this guy a discount card. Part of the application asks for a phone number so when I asked him he goes, "Are you hitting on me?" I kind of snickered, and he looked at the other cashier and said like, "That sounds like a pickup line, am I right? Asking for my PHONE number?" Ha ha ha.

A kid got impatient with me when my computer was lagging looking up his mom's discount card, and he kept trying to hand me his money and kept saying, "Here, here." Chill kid!

A lady was disappointed to find that I didn't have a book she wanted, and so I offered to call the other store for her. She asked where it was and I told her it was on 13th Street. She said, "Oh, is that the one over there?" She just kind of waved her hand vaguely to one corner of the store. I was like, "Um, over where?" and she starts kind of gesturing more specifically in the direction, but I'm like, dude, I don't know what you're pointing at and I can't confirm or deny. I told her what it was around and stuff and we got it straightened out, but I don't understand how you can just kind of point in one direction from a place halfway across town and expect people to say, "Yeah, that's the one, over THERE!"

At the register a lady said, "Um, can we use these?" She had a sheet of coupons. "Which one?" I asked, and she's like, "Just, um, can I use these?" I asked if she got any books that were on the flyer. She had no idea, hadn't really looked at the paper. Well let me just go to the grocery store and hand them the newspaper and say, "Can I use any coupons in here on anything I bought?" If you want deals you do the homework, 'kay?

A lady stopped me when I was on my way to do something else and said, "Do you work here?" I kind of doubtfully said, "Yeees?" because I could see that she had looked at my apron. However, she responded by repeating, "Do you work here?" Did I not just answer? I repeated the "yeees?" in the same tone, so maybe she would get the message that she had asked a redundant question. Guess what? This set the stage for our whole interaction. Every time I said something she acted as if I hadn't spoken. She was looking for the Consumer Reports and I took her back to the section and showed her where they usually are. Unfortunately we had none. "When we have them we keep them here, we must be out," I said, "I know what they look like and I know this is where we keep them." She replied by explaining what the Consumer Reports are and what they look like and stuff. I repeated that I knew what they were and that this was where we kept them, saying it in the same tone so she would know (again?) that I had said this frickin' sentence before. Then I informed her that there was a magazine version that they put out, and she goes, "Is there a magazine version?" Jeezus. I gave her that and she thanked me, and then I got to watch her children killing the kids' section. FUCK.

Some lady said, "Did you do your ears like that special for Christmas?" Heh.

I spent a lot of the day playing with one of those hundred-and-fifty-dollar lightsabers that lights up and makes sounds. WHEEEEE.

12/8/04

Some lady asked about whether there was a discount on this book she was holding. I said it had no automatic discounts but she'd get 10% off if she had a discount card. She said she didn't but asked if she could get one and then also receive the percentage off the same day. I told her that she definitely would get the extra off if she signed up, but let her know the card cost ten bucks. "You would CHARGE me for the card?" she asked incredulously. I explained it again and still she seemed really, like, flabbergasted that anyone would CHARGE for a discount. It is situations like this that make me wonder how these people could be living in a different universe than I do, because to me it seems like it's damn obvious that nothing is free. If I'm going to get privileges somewhere, I automatically assume I will be paying for them. If our card was free why would we bother to have a card at all? Jerrrrr.

A lady came up to the customer service desk and put her books down, so of course that made me assume she probably wanted to check out. Nevertheless I asked her if I could help her. She replied with this rude sort of voice, "Um, do you want me to go somewhere else?" (Ya know, like "if you're not gonna help me, I'll go to someone who will!") I told her that indeed I did need her to go elsewhere if she was hoping to check out. See, now I have been the jackass plenty of times who goes to the wrong desk to check out, but I did not just put my stuff down and stare and get rude when the well-meaning clerk who enters the situation KNOWING he has no register asks if he can help me. I have just asked where you pay for things, and maybe it crabbed them to have to tell me, but I certainly didn't act like somehow they had inconvenienced me by not having checkout capabilities at every surface resembling a help desk.

A lady who wanted a book kept telling me the author's name was "Pleasants," but when I asked her to spell it she just spelled "Pleasant." That was what I'd been typing in, so I told her the guy didn't show up in my system. Continuing to pronounce his name "Pleasants" (what is it with people who MUST put an S on everything?), she told me he was a UF professor who wrote a book about UF. Understanding now why he isn't in the system, I informed her that he probably published locally (or worse, just had it printed, no ISBN or anything) and is selling it through his own channels, not big distribution like our bookstore would carry through its filthy corporate channels, you know? So I wound up by saying I wasn't sure it would be available if that was the case. She got this offended look on her face and said, "Well, I *hope* it's available!" and kind of started playing this game of "why the hell can't the incompetent little retail girl find this book I know exists?" She started telling me about how it's mentioned in a newsletter and telling me about how he's done signings at Goerings (but she pronounced it wrong, of course, and didn't understand that this was further backing up of my suggestion that it's only being sold locally; Goerings is a locally owned bookstore). Finally I explained it to her again, emphasizing that it isn't OUR inability to get the book but HIS lack of making it available that caused it to not be in our system. She seemed to understand better this time around and agreed to find out through other channels how to acquire the book. Whew!

The only silly elf comment I got today was this lady who had a little girl, and while I was helping her she pointed me out to her kid and said, "Look, she's one of Santa's helpers! She's a little elf!" I don't think she cared too much.

I guess it doesn't really count but one of my fellow associates said something today too . . . she's a new girl in the café I guess this was the first time she's seen my ears. I wasn't wearing my hat yet (it was early in the morning) but I had pigtails and my little ear points were sticking up through my hair. The girl kinda looked at me weird and said, "HEY, your ears!" I just kinda looked at her like "huh?" and then told her later I would put on a Santa hat and that I was embracing my inner elf. She didn't say anything else and then we had a talk about like politics or something.

12/7/04

A guy asked me about a magazine, and I didn't know it so I looked it up on the computer. It said we carried it so I took him to the right section. He and I scoured the shelf and found nothing, so I told him if we did have it it would have been in this section. "Well do you know offhand if they're still publishing it?" he asked. WHAT. THE. FUCK. What do you mean are they still publishing it? You ask me for the magazine, I look it up on the computer, I actively look for the magazine, but maybe I just forgot to mention that oh, they don't publish it anymore? Why would we be looking for the damn thing if it wasn't being freakin' published? I don't understand.

A cute little girl came up and told me she had just seen a book she wanted but now she couldn't find it. "Can you tell me anything about the book?" I asked, thinking she'd at least be able to describe it a little. She told me she could, indeed, tell me something about it, but then Mom came up and she started talking to Mom instead of me. "You know that book I was looking at earlier? I can't FIND it." Mom suggested that she ask me about it, and the little girl got this serious look on her face and said, "I have a solution. I think . . . that someone bought it." Hehehe. But then she described what was on the cover and I knew the book and I found her one. Her mommy let her get it. It was really cute.

A lady wrote her check out for "Books-A-Billion" today. Good thing we don't keep the checks anymore.

A woman wanted books about female lawyers. Apparently she thinks a biography about the history of female lawyers or a certain female lawyer would make a good gift for a girl in law school. So I told her we didn't have a section for books like that, but we had a legal section and a biography section. I looked up a few books that talked about what she wanted but I would have had to order them all, so she told me to take her to the legal section and maybe she'd find something appropriate. "You'd THINK there'd be a TON of books like that!" she was saying with this frustrated air. Yes, because it's such a popular subject! The history of woman lawyering! That merits its own four-foot section, of course! So we got to the legal reference section and I pointed it out for her. "You don't just have a legal section?" she asked, and I pointed to the books again, saying this was Legal Reference. "Oh, well you don't have as big a selection as Barnes & Noble," she said, in this sort of apologetic way. (And at this point she still is not even actually looking at the legal section, she is standing in front of the wrong books.) I just kind of said, "OH-kay," because ya know, you don't go telling employees that you like their competition better, it's just bad manners, especially when you're insulting the selection when you haven't examined it yet. I told her she could let me know if she needed anything else, and she said she would just browse. I took off walking and then she called after me, "I can't believe you don't have anything on the law!" ::sigh:: I really should have gone back and pulled out the big yellow copy I'd seen of Law for Dummies, but I didn't have the nerve. . . .

And yes, we have a Mr. Wise sighting for today! (Well, not a *sighting*, per se, since he was only in the store through the telephone wires.) Mr. Wise called the store and talked to my manager, who gave him the bad news that if he ordered a book we don't carry today, it wouldn't be here 'til the nineteenth. Apparently this news upset him and he called her a ton of names. I would have loved to have heard the details of this one, especially since there were customers waiting to be helped while Mr. Wise took out his frustration by calling my manager names as if it was her fault and as if that would help anything. She told me, "I got to talk to everyone's favorite JERK today . . . Mr. Wise!" and then she said, "Every time I talk to him I feel like I need to take a shower." Hehehe. I asked her for the details and she just said he called her "every name in the book" because of the situation, and so I asked if she hung up on him. (I've been itching for an excuse to do so!) She said, "NO, I just took his order and told him I'd see him on the nineteenth, and not to wear his pajamas." Somehow I don't think she said that last part, but it is awfully funny.

No fun elf comments today. One person chirpily said "follow the elf!" when she was trailing me up to the register, but that's no fun. Wahhh.

12/6/04

Not too many Assholes, considering how close to Christmas we are! Everyone was pretty good today!

I was wiping down some splashy sinks with paper towels and I went into the disabled-accessible stall to check its sink too--frigging bathroom checklist thing we're supposed to do every few hours and I got stuck with the first two shifts as usual. So I come out of the accessible bathroom and this woman is standing there right outside the door like she's waiting for me to finish, and I thought at first maybe she wanted in there, but then I realized that she was holding her wet hands out in front of her, thinking I had swiped the bathroom's paper towels and was withholding them from her to do my cleaning. She then made a sighing noise and went into a bathroom and tore off a piece of toilet paper, and used that to dry her hands. This amuses me because we do not put paper towels in the bathrooms, we have a hand dryer and I guess she just didn't see it. And to think she walked out of there mentally grumbling about me snatching the towels not realizing someone might want to actually use them. Sorry lady! They're not for you anyway!

This guy came up and was looking all around, everywhere but at me, as he talked. "Um, excuse me, um, well, excuse me but where do you think, like, where's stuff like . . . um . . . FICTION?" I pointed at the huge front side of the store and explained that it was all fiction in the front. "So up here and to the left?" he said, and I had to repeat that no, the whole front of the store was fiction. Did he need help with anything? He said he didn't. I beg to differ.

And I got to talk to Mr. Wise. Because I know to keep my sentences short and clear while talking to him, we didn't have any issues except that when I answered the phone he replied to my spiel with the usual "Now I didn't understand what you said, but I'll assume I'm calling the right store?" I told him he had, and he replied, "Okay, good, I just didn't understand your lingo." Lingo? I'm not talking in some kind of strange slang, I'm answering the phone and no one else has trouble understanding me. I was hoping the whole time he would say something ridiculous and give me a good excuse to hang up, but he didn't. I've been itching to hang up on him for acting like a jackass for a long time. I suppose we have until I quit or he dies of "crotchety old man disease". . . .

Time for the elf commentary for today:

[Upon my coming up to the desk] "Hello, elf!"

[While I'm standing on my toes to reach a high stack of books] "We need to get you a little pixy ladder!"
[I agree and tell him they won't let me fly at work.]
"You need to file charges!"

"Should I follow you, little elf?"

They always have to say "little," don't they?

12/4/04

Funny one for ya: Some guy came up to the desk and two of my managers were standing there. The guy said he wanted a book called Why I Am a Christian, and one of the managers replied, "I figure it's probably for the free wine!" The guy got a grim look on his face, turned around without speaking, and walked off. The other manager yelled at him incredulously. Ehh, you guys have no sense of humor! C'mon, Jesus must know how to throw a good party! Free wine indeed! Heh.

A lady had found our only copy of a book she wanted, and it looked like it had some shelf wear. "Would you have a nicer copy of this?" she asked. "I want to give it for a gift but I don't want them to think I got it at a used book sale or something." I told her that was the only one in the store, but that I could call another store or order one for her. She replied, "Well maybe if I get this one could you mark it down significantly?" Er, well first of all I don't see how that solves the problem of you being able to give that for a gift and not look like it came from Bargain Basement, and secondly the damn thing is $4.99, how much more "significantly" do you want me to mark it down? Give you half off and suddenly you're paying $2.50 instead of five bucks and now the shelf wear doesn't matter? Two and a half dollars less to pay buys you off? I told her I could only take off up to 10% for damages anyway, and she decided not to get it. Weird huh?

And now, I must say that part of my work log for this month is going to be a fun run-down of weird comments I get about my decision to free my inner elf. Before you say anything, yes, I know I'm asking for it. I still think it's funny. So here are some of today's comments:

"Honey, look, it's a little elf."

[While doing a cheesy bow for me] "Hello, elven princess."

"Those ears ARE part of the hat, right?" [I take my hat off and tell him they're not.] "Oh. I'm gonna go embarrass myself in another part of the store."

"You make a very cute elf. Wait, do they call the females elves?"

"We need to get you some pointy shoes with bells on them."

That's all you get for today.

12/1/04

OMFG busy!

It's like people noticed it's December first and said, "Oh shit, I have to go SHOP!" Wall to wall customers, some of whom were bastards. Observe.

One of my coworkers was asked for "Multiplication Rock," which the woman followed up by saying it was a video. My coworker said we didn't CARRY videos, just books, but she insisted there probably was a book too and that it just came with a video and he needed to show her where that was. He showed her Kids' Education and pointed out where math stuff goes, and she said, "But what about the grammar section? It could be in there." He pointed that out too but said he hadn't thought a multiplcation aid would be in a grammar section. She said they made grammar videos too. And then she told him, "You need to go check on your computer to find out where you keep these videos," and when he said again that we don't do videos she just told him he "needed to" go check on the computer. Obviously he found nothing and she hushed, but come on. I need to check on my computer? You need to shut up!

A lady wanted to know whether her book was in and kept saying and spelling her name when there was NO point at which I needed it. She gave me her name and spelled it. There was nothing on the shelf for her so I wanted to look her up. She gave her name and spelled it. I explained that I needed to look her up by her phone number. She gave me that and told me what name I should find it under and spelled it. Nothing came up under her phone number and it turned out she remembered it wrong. Since she'd already spelled her name three times I already had it typed in the computer as my second attempt to search, but I needed her first name to search by too, so I asked for it. She said and spelled only her last name again. I think maybe she was a robot and there was a limited amount of space on the tape of her speech. What do you think?

A lady wanted a particular "comic" and I asked her if it was an individual issue or a whole book of issues (well, a graphic novel) that she wanted. "I don't know," she said, standing there holding the newspaper article that told her what to get. She just repeated the same information to me and couldn't answer the question, and I said before I knew where to take her I'd have to know whether it was an individual comic issue or a graphic novel. "Well I don't know!" she said, like I was asking her some kind of ridiculous trivia. I asked to see the article and read it; in a couple seconds I had seen that it indicated a particular issue and we don't carry a lot of those. I showed her what we had anyway. No dice. What was so hard about that?

I was helping a guy find Pat Conroy books but even though I found the right shelf the particular book he wanted wasn't on the shelf. I turned around to tell him and there he was staring at a part of the shelf kind of close to the right section but not actually there. "This is all out of order," he claimed, and I asked him why he thought that. He pointed out that he was looking for the C-O-Ns (for Conroy, ya know--he must've been oblivious to the fact that I'D FOUND IT) but he hit Stephen Coonts and then all of a sudden it was back to the C-O-Ms. Anarchy! I asked where he saw the C-O-Ms. Turned out one of the Stephen Coonts books was called Combat and it was written in really big letters. Sorry, that doesn't count as "the C-O-Ms," because that is a title, not an author. Oh, and we don't have your book.

I was scurrying up to the register to answer the ten millionth call for an exchange (isn't this supposed to start happening AFTER Christmas??) and a family tried to stop me and divert me to helping them. They shouted out an author by name and I told them I didn't know offhand but if they needed it looked up Customer Service could do it. "But you wouldn't carry him because he's Canadian, right?" said the girl, and I just kinda blinked and told her I had no idea again. I somehow doubt that we exclude writers because they're from Canada, but you never know. . . .

And to finish up, this customer made the weirdest noise at me today. She came up to me, stopped, and instead of asking me if we carry movies, she just said in a statement, "You don't have movies." I agreed with her, "No, sorry, we don't carry any movies." Then her mouth opened and out came this indescribably mournful sound of disappointment. It sounded like this: