My Record of Work: The Annoying, the Interesting, and the Just Plain Weird--The Year 2003.

8/31/03

Someone's discount card was going to expire in a week. He asked if he could renew it early . . . but with a catch. He wanted to renew it a week early because he thought he could get a ten percent discount off his renewal fee. ::eyeroll::

It seemed like today every time I said "We'd have to order that," people replied, "So you don't have it?" Why must people confirm what I've just said by asking me again if I have their book? Grr.

8/30/03

I have a new motto: NEVER TRUST THE CUSTOMER!

I was helping a lady find a book and she said she'd "already looked everywhere." Just to clarify, I asked her if she'd looked in Fiction where it should be. She said yes. When we walked by it, I asked her if it was THAT Fiction section, because we have one for large-sized paperbacks and hardbacks, and another that holds those mass-market cheapie deals. She said it was indeed that Fiction where she looked. So we looked a couple other places like for school reading lists, and found nothing. Then her daughter went in there and found a copy right where her mom had supposedly already looked. ::sigh::

A lady wanted a book that we couldn't even order (it showed as "not available"). I told her that we couldn't even order it, and she said, "Well, I just wanted to see what it looks like." So I figured that was cool and it must not have been a big deal, but then . . . she wants to know if we HAVE it. Dude, I just told you we can't even get it.

Anyway, I asked her if that was all she needed, and she asked, "Well can you order that one?" We. Can't. GET. It. ::sigh:: Then she remembered another one she wanted to ask about. So she gave me the title and I looked for it, and this was one I'd have to order. I asked her if she wanted paperback, and she replied by telling me her name. I was like, "No, I said do you want PAPERBACK," and she accepted that and made her choice, and then started trying to prompt me to ask for her information (I hate that). "My name's so and so . . . aren't you going to take my number?" I'm so glad you know how to do my job, since after three years it's sure a mystery to me that I need your number. Or I could just ask you for it when the screen asking for it comes up.

A lady asked me where the diet books are. I pointed to the big sign on the wall that says "Cooking & Health" and told her it was over under that sign that says "Cooking & Health." She didn't even look where I was pointing and said, "Well, I've never been here before, so where do I go now?" ::sigh:: I repeated my explanation and asked if she SAW it, and she still wasn't looking, so I asked if there was a particular book she wanted to find. "Yes, the South Beach Diet," she said, which ticks me the hell off. (No, not South Beach Diet itself--I hate it when people are looking for a single certain book and instead of asking for it they request that you direct them to the broad category they estimate it's in, which may or may not be where the book is even kept.) So I told her, "Oh, well that's our #2 bestseller, it's in the front there just as you walk in," and she didn't look AGAIN, and said, "Well I've never been here before, so I don't know where anything is," and so instead of arguing with her I just took her with me to the bestsellers. I gave her one and she asked me if it came in paperback. I have to say that I rarely see a book be a BESTSELLER in HARDCOVER if there is a paperback available; people are cheap, but so are companies, and they want to milk you for every dime they can get while the hardcover is in demand. So no; if there is a hardback in the top ten, you can rest assured it's probably not in paperback. She then took it and asked where you check out. I told her it was the big red sign in the corner that says "Checkout." Know what she said, while not looking? You guessed it. "Well I've never been here before." If you've never been here before, it's probably a good idea to start paying attention to the directions you're being given on your first visit, so that next time you come in, you don't end up on the Assholes page.

8/27/03

Okay, the Harry Potter lady AGAIN. See, I don't know how many copies of each book she must have now, but she keeps buying new ones. Maybe she likes getting the attention or something. Anyway, after I rang her up and told her how much it'd be, she argued the price with me, saying "the lady back there said it would be fifteen dollars" even though it was a hardcover, and I don't know what "the lady back there" actually said but I'm sure she didn't tell her it would be fifteen dollars. She tried to explain to me how come it would be that cheap, because she had a discount card (ten percent off) and then the discount sticker said it was an additional ten percent off. Well, the book costs $19.95. Take ten percent off that, math whizzes; that's right, you get about $17.95. Now take another ten percent off that total. About $16.15. That's still not fifteen bucks, and then you ADD tax, which is almost a dollar on that. There is no way in Satan's freezy little butthole that you're going to pay fifteen bucks for a hardback even if it is on sale, not on that particular discount, but my explanation and the computer's logic didn't seem to get through her rather admirably thick skull. (I bet I could use that thing as a bludgeoning weapon if I ever ended up needing to, ya know, like hunt something.) Anyway, she finally paid me the like $17.10, and began to tell me about her strategy for buying all four HP calendars. She gave me a detailed account of how she was going to get one each time she got her McDonald's paycheck, and that way she'd have them all in two months. I was kind of trying to send her away with a smile, and said, "Yeah, well, there's a strategy, you gotta have one." She didn't get it, and said, "NO, I've gotta have all FOUR!" Argh. Unfortunately because she seems to have a disability I can't really blame her, but if someone has enough vocabulary to argue with me, I figure I can argue back.

First of all, this girl committed one of my pet peeves: She came to the SIDE of the register while I was already with a customer and started asking me questions. (You're exempt from having to wait your turn if you're not actually BUYING something, you know.) Anyway, so she comes up and she has found this pack of Christmas cards marked "clearance," but it is damaged: not all the cards are in the package. Well, so I told her that sometimes that happens and if that's the only one on the table, it's the only one we have. So she was like, "But do you know where I could get a full one?" and I said it again: if it's not on that table of clearance cards we don't have it. "But like maybe do you have it with the regular cards?" I told her we don't HAVE regular boxed cards yet (BECAUSE IT IS AUGUST). Just the clearance ones. And she KEPT standing there wanting me to do something like pull the rest of the cards out of my butt I guess, so I said, "I can take it and put it in with damages, if you're not going to get it the way it is," and she's like, "No well I DO want it, I just want to know where I can get MORE cards, 'cause see, they're not all in the package." Where exactly did she think I was missing the problem? And why was she missing my response to it? (Later she came up and she had actually found a full pack, so I don't know why she didn't just go over there and look the first time.)

The girl who did my break had a story when I came back. Apparently a guy came up wearing one of those REALLY elaborate Christian crosses: HUGE and gold with a very bloody Jesus nailed right on there in exquisite detail. Guess what he was buying?

Porn.

Gallery, specifically, with a very dirty picture partially covered by decency plastic, with a target on the girl's ass and a sign inviting you to "cum right in."

Dude! Jesus is watching!

Oh, here's a fun one. I had this customer who had like every credit card known to man. It was like this wallet FULL of cards, and I guess it was tough to decide which one to give me because soon every card was on the counter, and two or three times the guy thought he'd found "the right one" but was wrong. Finally he unearthed it and gave it to me, and I rang it through, only to hear "Oh, WAIT!"

Shit.

I looked up and the guy goes, "That wasn't the one I wanted to use." He looked at it quizzically and asked, "Did I hand you that one?"

Dude, what are you talking about? No, I just grabbed one randomly from your stack of twenty because it wasn't painfully obvious that you had to make a serious choice! I just assumed and grabbed one, that's it . . . no, you didn't HAND me anything. What?? Anyway I undid the transaction and re-did it on the "right" one. I wonder if he got home and looked at his receipt and said, "OH DAMN!"

8/26/03

Did I ever mention that one of my pet peeves is telling a customer that we don't carry a book and having them reply, "But so-and-so told me I could get it here!" So-and-so was wrong, or you remembered incorrectly. Bottom line. Thank you, next!

Some lady called and asked if our café manager was in. I told her she wasn't, and was replied to with silence. I added that someone else was running the café today, and the lady replied, "Is it Marten?" I told her it was not; it was the new girl we'd just hired. "Oh, uhh . . ." she said, and then treated me to more silence. So I handed her a prompt, "So is there something I can help you with?" She said, "No, I don't think so," and more silence, so I just said, "All right then, bye-bye." I don't understand why people call and then feel like I have to listen to them while they think about what they're going to do next. I'm busy dammit.

I should tell you that today I had the nicest customer. It was almost weird. He had me called to Customer Service, so I came up and he said good morning and asked me how I was, and then asked me a question and the whole time I was helping him he kept apologizing for bothering me and thanking me profusely for my time. I wished we could take some of his politeness and maybe balance it with the rudeness of the other customers so that working with the public could be tolerable.

A guy with a weird speech habit hit my desk today. He asked if we sold Magnetic Poetry and when I told him we didn't, he said, "Sure." Sure what? I told him that the only thing like it we had was this random kids' poetry book that had a magnetic cover you could spell the poems on, and he said "sure" again. He asked about a book and I looked it up and every time I told him something he said "sure." He was using it like the word "okay." Rather strange. When he left and thanked me for helping him, I said, "Sure." He didn't notice.

A lady walked up to me in another part of the store and asked me to look a book up, and when we arrived at the desk there was another lady standing there also waiting for help. I helped the lady who'd come to get me, and the lady standing at the desk thanked that lady in the meantime for "finding someone." So of course I knew she wanted help. I had to go to the Fiction section next to the desk to get something for the first lady, and as I left the desk she goes, "You're coming back, right?" No! I thought I'd just leave you standing there, actually. That's pretty much what I told her, too.

Some lady kind of threw me for a loop today when I asked her what name her book was held under and she just kind of paused and looked blank. She was with her mother (though the lady I was waiting on was at least thirty, just so you don't think she's a kid), and her mom kind of teased her a little when she couldn't seem to think of what to say to my question. The lady replied, "Jeez, I forgot my name, sorry." Then she gave me her name and I got her books. Upon sighting them, she realized it was possible she'd already read them, since they looked so much like other random romance books in her collection. (This may be an ignorant statement on my part, but most romance books look the same to me.) Anyway, she turned one of the books over to read the back and then said, "Oh, I HATE when they put shit on here!" I was like, "Huh?" and she complained that this label was covering up part of the back of the book. She had given up and was giving me this helpless look like "Oh, well what the hell am I supposed to do now?" I just bewilderedly picked up the book and said, "It's a packing label with your name on it so we know who it belongs to. It comes off; you can read what's under it." I peeled it back for her and she proceeded to read the back and determine that it was in fact a book she had not yet read. So, what, she thought she'd have to keep the sticker with her name on it on the side of her book forever? It was so completely out of the question that she should look UNDER the label that she almost had a temper tantrum? I guess I'm expecting too much when I already knew I was dealing with someone who blanked when I asked what her name was.

8/25/03

Okay, I had quite a few annoyances today but two people REALLY pissed me off. The first one was while I was doing a register break for the cashier and she came up and wanted a gift certificate.

At first she wanted a $15 one but then she changed her mind and asked for a $10 one. I said we don't have cards with $10 written on them but I can make a blank one be $10. She agreed, and I searched for a blank card but there weren't any at the register, so I told her if she'd wait a second I could get the manager to bring me some blanks. Cheerily she said she didn't need it then; she'd changed her mind. Unsure of whether she just wanted to forgo the gift certificate completely or if she wanted to go with the $15 instead, I asked, and she clarified that she didn't want any card at all. I said, "Okay, whatever you want," and continued her transaction. She looked disturbed, however, and said, "What did you say?"

I said, "I said . . . 'whatever you want,'" and bagged up her stuff. She looked all miffed and was acting offended, and then when I handed her her stuff she told me to give her my name, and wrote it down on a slip of paper without explanation. Hmm . . . maybe she thought there was something rude or sarcastic about how I said "whatever you want," since that was where she started acting all pissy, but I fail to see any problem in how she was treated, so I'm gonna laugh if she reports me to Home Office or something. (It wouldn't be my first time, actually. That's here.)

The second customer who pissed me off extraordinarily was a woman who wanted help finding a biography for her daughter. She asked me if I would help her daughter find an age-appropriate biography, and I said we had a section for that, and when I started going in that direction I noticed she was not following. She just stayed where she was, looking distracted, and then turned back to me and called across the store at me, "She's sitting over here," and disappeared from my view. Well, I didn't know what that was about; maybe she was going to GET her daughter? Maybe she suddenly had a potty emergency with the little one that she was holding by the hand? Who knows? I just knew that if the daughter was sitting over there, if she wanted kids' biographies she needed to come where I was. I figured whatever, she'll find me when she's ready; yet another one of my pet peeves is when people ask questions when they're not ready to receive the answers.

Anyway, soon enough the woman came back and opened with, "Did you help her?" I said, "Well, I turned to show you where to look and there was no one following me." She explained that her daughter was in the Biography section and that was why she needed help. I just said that the children's biographies were in a different section that I'd been trying to show her, but I couldn't do so if I didn't even know who I was supposed to help. Anyway, we ended up in the Kids' Biography section and the girl said the book had to be over 200 pages for the requirement, which killed most of the books in Kids'. I asked if she had a particular person in mind, and she did; I found a children's biography that was 250 pages, but she said the font was too big, so it wasn't on the right level. At this point the mother suggested that I go to the regular Biography section and help her find an age-appropriate book. "Well," I told her, "those ones are written for adults, so I suppose after a certain level it's kind of a judgment call," and I'm thinking that she basically is asking me to go over there with her twelve-year-old and start pulling books off the shelf saying, "How 'bout this? How 'bout this?" so she can shake her head and make her own choice based on the subject anyway. How am I supposed to know what she's interested in? The lady said she'd find something and moved away; she was fairly polite about it, but I am just on my last nerve dealing with people who want me to do their homework for them, and it's only the first week of school.

Now for some more run-of-the-mill losers.

I overheard two ladies acting all befuddled in the Intermediate Series section. I really hate the fact that it says "Intermediate Series" because people don't understand that it's just series books; we used to have "Intermediate Readers" and "Intermediate Series," but "Intermediate Readers" combined with "Middle Readers" (as there was no real distinction anyway; what's a "middle" reader compared to an "intermediate" one??), and "Intermediate Series" was left as it was. As a result, some people seem to think that "Intermediate Series" is a "higher" level of reading than "Kids' Fiction" is, completely ignoring the "series" part of the sign. Grr.

Anyway, they were looking at Secrets of Droon books and debating over whether these books were condensed stories of Harry Potter. I was like, WHAT? They were going back and forth debating this, "Oh but Harry Potter books are HUGE, these can't be the whole thing, they're so tiny," et cetera. So I swooped down and informed them that those were not Harry Potter books. One lady told me that people will probably THINK that they are HP books because, and I quote, "They LOOK like Harry Potter books!" Well, the only similarity I see is that they're both fantasy books that include a kid that happens to wear glasses. (I guess any book with a bespectacled boy with dark hair "is" Harry Potter these days; I've heard people say "That looks like Harry Potter" about A Series of Unfortunate Events as well, just because the character Klaus is a dark-haired glasses-wearer.) Anyway, I informed the ladies that it's not Harry Potter, as evidenced by the fact that the name of the series, Secrets of Droon, is emblazoned on every book with absolutely NO mention of HP. They then began to think I was interested in what they were saying or something; apparently I look like the type of person who's interested in the activities of their grandchildren. I played along and made my exit as soon as I could. (I heard them postulating that the Nancy Drew books had been "shrunk" as well, because they encountered the Nancy Drew Notebooks series, which was written for younger people. Yup, they're going around "shrinking" books now, which is shameful according to these women; "Kids just don't want to read anymore.")

Some lady asked me for a book that only comes in hardcover for unknown reasons. The original diet book is hardcover, though its cookbook and some other related volumes have been released in paperback. As soon as I handed her the hardcover I saw the question on her face, so I went ahead and answered it before she asked, pointing out the books that DID come in paperback and explaining that the original and the newest book in the series did not. She responded: "So where are the paperbacks?"

I am going to suggest installing an emergency headdesking machine in our back room.

Some lady wanted a book we don't carry. I told her the bad news and she looked all shocked and said, "But my friend bought it here!" I told her again that the computer showed we don't carry the book and she said, "So you're out?" I told her again that WE DON'T CARRY IT, we don't keep it, and she reminded me, getting more flustered, that her friend had bought it here. I said maybe we used to carry it but stopped, or maybe her friend ordered it. (The more likely possibility, of course, was that she's thinking of someplace else, or her friend is.) She asked if maybe the store on 13th Street would have it, and I said that our company does not stock that book. Guess what she said? Ehh, I won't bother to type it, because I'm sure you can all predict what came out of her mouth next. :P

Some guy ordered a book and when I gave it to him he was all surprised it was in paperback. He looked inside and started having a heart attack that it said its copyright was in 1999, because the book he wanted was released in 2002 according to information he'd been given. "Does he have a newer book than this, then?" he asked, so I checked. It turned out that the original hardcover came out in '99 but this paperback edition had a publish date of January 2002. I told him so and he started FREAKING OUT about "then WHY does it say 1999 in HERE??" I examined the information and suggested that was probably the copyright on the text, not the reprint date. He made it very obvious that he was doubting it was the right book as he left.

Ahh yes. Another homework ferret. This one girl came up to me with a book of some author and asked me whether the book contained the information she needed for her paper. I just gave her the Look of Extreme Bewilderment™, and asked her if she was asking me if I knew about the contents of the book. She explained that she just needed certain information about such and such for her paper but she didn't know if this book would have that in there. I opened the book, glanced at the table of contents and found no clues, looked up her keyword in the index, and showed her the list of the pages where her subject was mentioned. I told her to look on each of those pages and if there wasn't enough information on her subject, she needed to try another book. It boggles my mind how people can be in college and not know how to use an index.

8/24/03

I got called to the register to help with a glitch in the machine. Apparently the machine had failed to print a receipt and that sucks, and I figured there was a way to do a reprint but I didn't know how (that's actually a manager thing; I never got told how to do it). I didn't want to make the lady wait in case it took me a few minutes to figure it out; she was already looking crabby and impatient that the receipt fucked up. Okay, you're annoyed, but shut up; it wasn't our fault either. I just voided out her purchase and then re-rung it, and this time the receipt printed. But unfortunately I needed to see her license numbers again because she'd written a check and the computer needed the info, and she just SIGHED disgustedly like this was some big huge painful thing we were putting her through. I hate it when people can't just be nice about when things go wrong; it's not like we want to spend ANY more time with you in front of us than you do.

Somewhere in the store, a guy came up with a set of "pin pairs" and asked me what you do with them. I suggested that maybe you keep one and give one to someone else, and he goes "So you get one and your wife gets one?" I said that could be a use for them. He began then describing to me where he'd found the thing; apparently it was a lone item left in Architecture or something. He seemed particularly disturbed by the idea that someone just . . . gasp . . . LEFT it there. (People leave shit all over the place ALL the time of course!) Anyway, he told me that he might get it, and went away.

By the time he did get it, I was the cashier, covering a lunch break for the real cashier. I rang up his stuff fine and good, but then he came back telling me the pin pairs were supposed to be fifty percent off. I told him there was nothing on there that said they were half off--usually discounted merchandise has a sticker--but since it was this stupid little thing I was going re-ring what we'd just done anyway. But for some reason he did not stay for my explanation and cheerfully went off to investigate. He asked one of my managers and then apparently they were on a table with a fifty percent off sign above them--okay, fine and good, but there was nothing to tell ME that, so it wasn't like it was either of our faults. Thing is, I had a line and he was yelling across the store at me, "Hey! Hey! Cashier!" I looked over and he had removed the sign from its holder and was waving it at me. Okay, calm down.

He got back into line and when he got to me I fixed the problem, explaining a little bit how come it had happened in the first place. He told me, "Well, they really should put it in the computer." Such sage advice. Oh yes, why didn't I think of that. What a revolutionary idea! It should be "in the computer!" Yeah, I'm glad you thought of that, because we never would have.

Oh, and we had a meeting tonight, and our manager Pat was running the show, telling us about some changes in the dress code. The big changes are that women can now wear sleeveless shirts and we can now have visible tattoos. She began to explain what sorts of tattoos were all right, saying they needed to be "tasteful," and when that was called into question she started saying the most hilarious things. "If you've got a big tattoo on your arm that says 'FUCK YOU MOM,' that's not allowed. If you've got a naked lady on your cheek, no! If you've got a flower on your boob . . . who cares!" Hehehe.

8/23/03

A lady wanted my help finding a Beverly Cleary book, and it wasn't in the Kids' Fiction section. "Oh, well that's because it's a Newbery Award winner," I explained, turning to the Newbery section and plucking it off the shelf for her. She then told me, "Well it WASN'T in the Beverly Cleary section" (well, obviously, it goes in Newbery), and told me that since people are going to come in looking for it I ought to put a sign up directing people to the Newbery section. Yeah, let's do that: place signs redirecting people to the location of every book that they might think should be in one place when it's shelved in another. That'll help a lot, especially since so many people read signs. Or . . . maybe they could just ask us. Yeah, that's the ticket.

Urgh. Some guy asked me where my "true story" books are. I told him we don't have a "true story" section. He just kind of stared at me goggle-eyed and then asked me again where we'd put books that were true stories: "You don't have TRUE storybooks?" I told him again we DON'T HAVE A SECTION like that and then told him we had biographies that were true stories of people's lives and then true crime was stories of true, ya know, crimes, but no section of just true stories. So he asked, "Well, could you show me where those are then?" I asked him which one. He's like, "The ones you just said." I said that I'd given him a CHOICE, and he picked "true crime." End of story, thank Gawd.

8/20/03

I was running register today so you can imagine that I had a plethora of asshole people. Yup! You're right!

I had one guy listen to my whole discount card spiel and everything: I told him it would cost him $8.00 extra and everything and he still wanted it. Then when I gave him the total it was much higher than he expected and he was like, "OH, you mean I had to PAY for that card?" That's usually the case when someone says "IT COSTS EIGHT DOLLARS." I wonder where I was unclear? Because as we all know the customer is always right.

One lady was disturbed by her total. She was buying one book and a bunch of crap. She goes, "How much was that book?" and grabbed it, and then looked inside it, at its spine, and for some reason began flipping its PAGES trying to find the price tag. It's on the back of the book, lady. Grr.

Some guy was standing at the "out" door looking at it, kind of mournfully touching the door where the handle should be and just helplessly standing there in incomprehension. First off, I can get in the out door easily, even though it doesn't have a handle. But secondly, don't you think that maybe if a door has no handle, you're not supposed to go in there? It's not like we're playing a mind game and if you can't figure out the secret code to get in the door, you can't shop here. The answer is, YOU GO TO THE "IN" DOOR.

The weird Harry Potter lady was there today. I saw her come in and just kind of greeted her because I've seen her around, but then I was putting up some nature books and she found a Harry Potter-related book she'd never seen before and grabbed it off the shelf and yelled, "I'VE GOT TO HAVE THIS!!!" Who are you talking to? She started shrieking, "I've got to have it!" again and RAN to the register and threw the book down on the counter and started BANGING her hand on the counter because I was not standing there. I walked up and said one of my rude things: "UH-uh, are you BANGING for me?" She said, "YES. I've got to have this!" ::sigh:: I rang her up and she ran away with a flushed face, all excited about having her very own copy of The Sorcerer's Companion. I swear, some people act like animals.

8/19/03

A fantastic one for today!

Some lady called asking if we sell CDs. Well, sometimes when they ask that they mean music, and sometimes they mean audio books. So I asked, "What kind?" Hearing the bewildered pause on the other end, I decided a prompt was in order: "Do you mean music or recorded books?" More pause, then finally, "What kind? The ROUND kind I guess. . . ." Finally it sunk in that I had given her a choice, and she said, "Oh, music." I told her we didn't sell music, hung up, and LAUGHED. What do you mean THE ROUND KIND? What other kind of CD is there? And you're trying to make it sound like I'm a jerk because I asked you a legit question? No no no. Only one of us is a candidate for this website.

Also, I was helping some lady at the desk and then the manager made an announcement that I needed to take care of a customer on the phone. And then a couple moments later I got called to the register. So I made a comment to this lady that everyone wanted me at once and I couldn't be in three places. She acknowledged that and said, "Well, I'm not in any hurry." Uh? That wasn't the issue. I finished helping her look up things that she could have found herself (three Nora Roberts books), and asked if she needed help finding them now or if I could just point her to Romance. She insisted that she needed my help, so I took her to Romance and she still couldn't find them. I found two of the three and put them in her hands but we were out of the third. Turned out it was a trilogy and the missing book was the first, so she decided to complain to me about it, saying, "Well, it's a tree-ology!" (mispronouncing "trilogy" of course). I couldn't help but repeat back, "A tree-ology?" and she just earnestly said, "Yeah!" Then she wanted this world history book and I took her back to the section and asked her who wrote it (since she'd had the authors scrawled on her paper). She said, "I don't know!" I said, "Don't you have it written down?" and she said, "Yes," but then said she was having difficulty reading her handwriting. ::sigh:: I read it for her and it turned out we were out of the book. She asked me something weird about how didn't I say it was under someone else's name? And I was like what are you talking about, and apparently she was making things up; she said, "Oh, you just said it was in the World History section." What the hell?? So at this point she launches into an explanation that usually her grandson cannot find the weird books he asks for, even at the "lie-berry." Keep in mind that this woman is well aware that TWO other people are WAITING for me. Finally I excused myself by asking her if she needed anything else since two other people were waiting, and she "let me go." I got to the phone and the person had hung up, and someone else I suppose had run to the cashier's aid, much to my relief. The whole thing just really bugged me, though I don't know if I would have mentioned it on here if there wasn't that extra twist of delightful silliness on "tree-ology." (So much of this is everyday expected annoyance in a bookstore so I wasn't too surprised.)

8/18/03

Someone called and asked if we rent audio books out, for starters.

Here's yet another one of my pet peeves. I hate it when someone asks me to point out a general section, and then when I do so, they then ask me specifically if I know if we have a certain book that they have imagined would be in that section. (About one half of the time, they misjudge the category besides.) So you can imagine it bugged me when someone said, "Where is your Health section?" and I pointed, and she hardly even looked, but just plowed on with the next question, "Would you have The South Beach Diet?" Grr. If you want The South Beach Diet, go ahead and ask for it instead of asking unnecessary questions when you're not even going to listen to the answers.

"Her mother told me she likes American Girl books."

Yes, we have a winner.

If you're unfamiliar with the American Girl books, they're not just a series; they're a whole publishing company. First of all, they publish books about "The American Girls," which are like nine different characters all living at different important periods in history, so you can learn what their lives were like. So there's those, then there's the "American Girl Library" books that are just sort of books on how to do your doll's hair, how to throw parties and decorate your room, cool crafts and all kinds of girly crap. And then BESIDES that, they have related series: Some historical mysteries, a series about animals, a group of books called "Girls of Many Lands" or something, blah blah. In other words, TELLING ME "SHE LIKES AMERICAN GIRL BOOKS" IS QUITE INCREDIBLY VAGUE.

So the guy kept hemming and hawing about which books to get, seeming to want me to advise when the only way we can know which American Girl books the kid likes is to ask her or her mom. The biggest problem about it is that I kept showing him the various things that were "American Girl" and he kept looking at things that WEREN'T in the series and picking them up, examining, them, and considering them. I had to point out, "No, that's American Diaries" or "No, that's Abby Hayes" or whatever, simply because he refused to a) Look at the sign that shows the beginning of the American Girls section and b) Notice that there is an alphabetical thing going, like anything BEFORE that point is before "American Girls" in the alphabet. Blahhh. He just randomly picked some Kirsten short stories and left. I bet they won't be the ones she reads.

Some girl came up and gave me a book title. She said it was an autobiography. Unfortunately the only book I pulled up by that title was some obscure book I couldn't even order, so I asked her who it was about. She said she had no idea, but that it was an autobiography. I told her the only thing that came up was a book about a particular band, and she goes, "Yeah, that's the one." Well why didn't you tell me it was about that band then, if you knew? Grr (again).

Some lady came up to the desk saying we called her about her books being in. She had a weird name starting with Z, and there was only one book in the Z shelf and it wasn't hers. I asked her if the name she'd given me was the name she ordered under. She said yes. So I checked the computer and asked her to give me the phone number she ordered under. I put that in and it came up with no orders found; nothing had ever been ordered for her. I informed her of that, and she replied, "Well, is there another Borders location in town?"

I think that settled the problem. I told her we weren't a Borders. She kind of jerked like a snake bit her on the ass and said, "Well where am I?" and I told her. Then she wanted directions to the Borders. I gave her directions, and she replied by saying, "So is it in the mall?" Don't you think I would have mentioned the mall if it was in there? Oh yeah, I did mention the mall, during that part when I said, "You go past the mall." Christ.

8/17/03

Some lady called and asked if I had Like Water for Chocolate. I checked and we were out, so I came back and told her the bad news. She said, "Not even the English version?" Double take. Okay, first of all if you were expecting something other than a book in English, you probably should have told me it was Como agua para chocolate or whatever; yes, I was out of the English version, and wasn't going to check for the Spanish unless you asked me for a Spanish friggin' title.

Some lady wanted educational software for children, and when I told her we didn't have any she explained more about what she wanted for a while, then asked me if I knew where she could get it. I was trying to suggest a couple places to her but she kept interrupting me with things like "Would Media Play have it? Would Best Buy have it?" Well, I was gonna suggest that you check with the teacher supply store in town, but since you're too busy refusing to listen to anything I am saying in your eagerness to get the information, then I think I'll opt for shaking my head and telling you I don't know.

Rudest Man Alive at the checkout today. He came up with a slip of paper that displayed a book title and laid it on the counter, asking me to find it for him. I told him I couldn't do that at the checkout and I said I could get someone at the Customer Service counter to help him. (Notice that I said, "I can get someone at Customer Service to help you"; I did not just tell him to go over there.) He blew up! "There IS no one at Customer Service!" he yelled. "And EVERY TIME I come in this store there is never anyone at that desk! If it ever happens again I'm not coming in here anymore!" I cut him off and told him I said I would get him someone--that I would CALL them to the desk to meet him--and he said, "Well where ARE they??" and I suggested perhaps they were assisting other customers (obviously), and said again that I would have to call to make sure they knew he was waiting. He started walking away toward the desk and told me, "And HURRY UP!" Whatever. What the fuck did he think he was going to accomplish by yelling at ME? I'm glad it was Pat going to the desk because she can be a rude jackass and she would cut him down if he tried to sass her.

A lady told me there's a new book by the author of the Magic Tree House series (hmm, news to me), and wanted to know if we had it. I asked her if it was a Magic Tree House book or if it was some unrelated title. She replied, "Oh, no, it's a book." Um? Well I hope so! Anyway it WAS a Magic Tree House book anyway (which is why I don't understand the confusion), but we didn't have it yet. I would have been the one to put it up, after all.

Some lady came up to the desk with a hardback book and asked if it was in paperback. I looked at it and said, "Well, I thought that was brand new," and she said, "Yeah, it is." So she knew it was new but still wanted the paperback. Again, I guess I'll reserve judgment on people, but I thought everyone knew hardbacks come out and remain the only available version until the publishers and retailers have decided they can no longer milk the public for the money and release the paperback. (This book was released in July 2003.)

A lady on the phone this morning asked to be transferred to someone who could help her find a book. Yeah, that's me. I told her so and she said, "Okay, well I'm looking for this book, Who Moved My Cheese? That's the TITLE!" Yeah. Well, first off that book's been steadily popular since I started working here three years ago; it's not like that is some unknown book. Secondly, of course it's the TITLE; that's a hell of a name if it's the author. So I put her on hold and went to look for it. I had one, and came back to tell her so but the line was dead. It wasn't a dial tone; it was, just, ya know, deadness. I put it back on hold and checked it again a minute later, but she was gone, still dead air. I hung up and assumed she'd call back, which she did, explaining that she'd gotten another call and could not figure out how to work her call waiting.

Wonder what she'll do if someone moves her cheese on her?

8/16/03

A guy wanted a certain book and we were out of it. He said he'd check around, and then he said, "Or I'll just look on the network . . . are y'all on the network?" I asked him what network, and he said, "On the COMPUTER," like I'm an ass. I said, "Do you mean 'Are we on the INTERNET?'" and he agreed that that was indeed what he was asking. I gave him our address. Ooh, all of a sudden the Internet is "the network on the computer." Hehe!

Some lady came up to our Hallmark girl and handed her a card. "I found this and there's nothing in it!" she said, seeming confused by that. Well, my coworker looked at it, opened it, and indeed, there was nothing inside the card. The lady added, "I got it right over there." Giving her the benefit of the doubt, Miss Hallmark went with the lady, and she pointed to where she'd gotten it. It was right there in front of a description tag that said "blank inside." Well, my coworker pointed to it and said, "It says blank inside." And explained the concept. Yes, it is supposed to be that way. It's not defective. I promise.

We have a sign in a large metal holder that says "YU-GI-OH! DUEL HERE!" It's an advertisement for our Yu-Gi-Oh! Trading Card Game duel event, but some kid decided it was literal. He went up to the customer service guy for the day and asked if he could sit down right by the sign and duel, which is silly because that is like right in the walkway, of course you can't sit in the aisle and play a card game. When our customer service guy told him so, the kid said, "Well, it SAYS 'Duel here.'" Here as in IN THE STORE, kidlet.

A lady asked me for books on cash flow. I specifically asked her if it was a particular book she wanted and she said no, but then when we got back to the Personal Finance section I said that I knew of a book called Cashflow Quadrant by the guy who wrote Rich Dad, Poor Dad. Suddenly it was very important that we get THAT one, and we were out. And then she wanted me to call the other store to see if we had it, and when I asked if it had to be that one for some reason (since this seemed pulled out of her butt), she said that her boss had recommended it to her or something. When? In between the time that I asked her if she wanted a certain book and the time we got to the section, her boss must have telepathically suggested it, because when we started this quest there was no particular book and all of a sudden it MUST be this one. (She also committed one of my pet peeve actions, which was to say that she also needed another book once we were away from the computer that would have made it possible for me to look it up. You knew you wanted to look up another one, so why didn't you tell me BEFORE we went halfway across the store?)

A lady mistook our Customer Service counter for the checkout, and our customer service guy directed her to the real place to ring up. She said, "Oh, yes, that's right. I forgot! Well, after all this place LOOKS like a checkout!" What? It's a desk with a computer on it. How does it "look" like a checkout any more than any other desk with a computer on it, especially with the absence of registers? Whatever.

A guy wanted a certain autobiography and asked if I knew if we carried it. I didn't know offhand and told him so, but I took him to the Biography section. I didn't check the computer first because anything we had would have been in that section; I wasn't looking for something I knew for sure would be there, and I made that clear. We found one book that said it was the guy's autobiography, but my customer wasn't so sure it was "the" autobiography, so he asked, "Well is this the only one you know of?" All of a sudden, after I had expressed to him already that I wasn't sure we had ANYTHING, he expected that I would have all this information about various versions and which was "the" one and stuff. I told him that I hadn't "known of" that one that he was holding, either. (Incidentally we checked the computer and that was "the" official one I guess.)

8/13/03

Some lady at the other store had them call us to reserve a book. I had one copy left. Then the customer came into our store to get it and as I was handing her the book she expressed her DISGUST that the other store, of all things, was OUT. I told her that now we were too because that was the last one, and I thought her jaw would hit the counter. "Well," she told me, "I don't understand why if you're out of something you don't just order another one!" Oh, well I'm sorry, we're far too incompetent to do that. I forgot that I'm supposed to press the "oh my God we're out" button on a book when we see someone buy it, which then causes the book to immediately have a new copy printed in our back room and flung back onto the shelves within a minute. Oh wait. That's not how it works at all! When someone buys something it registers in the computer as something we need one more copy of, which is a polling done by our home office, and then those books get sent to us again in the next possible shipment. Which comes once a week. I wonder what was so screwy in this lady's head that she thought being OUT of something indicated lack of proper ordering. You came between shipments, lady. Live with it.

I was doing a void project and this guy came over near me and started messing with the workbooks. He picked one up and caused like five others to fall off the shelf and onto the floor. This happened right next to me. His wife kind of scolded him, "Oh look what you did," and I commented, "It's an avalanche." He just kind of grunted, took the book he'd been looking at and put it in his cart, and walked away. This just dumbfounds me. I guess maybe they'd have no problem with it if I backed my shopping cart into the cereal pyramid at the grocery store and toppled eight boxes onto the floor, then just shrugged and kept shopping for Honey Smacks. Assholes!

8/12/03

One of those weird things happened where two people decide to call the store at the exact same time. The first caller was a lady who wanted me to look up a book, so I put her on hold and quickly answered the second line. This second lady just wanted me to check and see if we had any New York Times issues left, so I put her on hold too. Then I helped the first lady. After I got done with her I went over, got a newspaper, and got back on the phone with the second lady and told her we still had copies. She said, "Well, where did you have to go to find one? Out the back of the store?" Guess it isn't possible that I was already with someone. I told her exactly that.

Some lady was asking for a popular book that we were out of, and I told her we were out because someone had already asked that morning. I don't know what it is . . . maybe they don't hear, maybe they just don't believe, but way too often I get this response. After I've straight up given them a good answer that should make them move to the next option (shop elsewhere, order a copy, whatever), they begin instead to describe the book to me. I know. I KNOW. I already told you I am familiar with the book and we are out. So your description of its paperback quality and its approximate thickness, with a vague explanation of what its cover might look like, does not in any way help our situation.

8/11/03

I had some lady at the register (while I was doing a break) who tried to hand me her discount card and ask me if I got it . . . as I was getting her change out, as in, after the transaction was already over. Yes, yes, I did apply the discount. If I hadn't, it would have been too late now, we would have had to re-do it. But since I always firmly ascertain whether they have a discount card and get it in the system before I even start the transaction, I find it just a tad insulting. Not that they know that.

Grr. Some lady came up to turn in an application today. She wanted to know what positions we have available, but as I was trying to explain the deal with that, she kept interrupting me. I was trying to tell her that unless you're applying for management or something, everyone pretty much does everything, and you can specify bookstore or café or both, but I never got that far because she kept being snotty about trying to make me tell her what positions were available. At the first sign of this I became very not helpful. She gave me a look like I was incompetent and said, "Well I'll just leave this with you then," and shoved the application at me. If she had been a little nicer about it, I would have pointed out several things wrong with the application that will make the management glance at it and toss it in less than a second. First off she had left a lot of things blank. The availability was completely, totally blank. If that means she's open all the time, she should have said so somewhere. Also the box for "Have you worked for our company before?" was checked for "yes," but in the "when and where?" box she put nothing; there also was no company references listed in her last four jobs. She also did not sign and date the bottom as requested, agreeing with some b.s. statement on there. I don't think I want to hire someone who can't allow me to finish a sentence to try to help her and is above reading the goddamn application's directions. Her application ends up in the circular file.

I had to help some lady find a dictionary today. She wouldn't stop trying to get me to help her with something that I couldn't help her with. She wanted a "college" dictionary but none of the ones we had were the size she wanted, so she dealt with this by pulling appropriately sized volumes off the shelf, showing them to me, and saying things like, "I really want something like THIS, but the COLLEGE kind." Well, we've already established that neither of us sees something of that description. It always boggles my mind how people think our inability to find something is entirely the fault of my misinterpretation of what we're looking for.

I was putting away books and I faintly heard some woman at the Customer Service desk yell "Hel-lo!" Well, I didn't know if she was talking to me, so I didn't respond, figuring if she could see me it would be pretty easy to come get my attention or say something a bit more civil like "Excuse me!" In a moment the lady walked closer to me and said, "You don't ring anything up here?" I finally looked at her and displayed a bit of confusion, then told her that if she wanted to be rung up, she could go to the cash register. Go fig.

I was down on the ground stacking some books up in a floor display thingie, and some guy came near me and stood in my peripheral vision. I figured, okay, either this guy wants to ask me something, or he really enjoys the view of my cleavage while I'm bending over in my tight shirt. But since he wasn't saying anything, I ignored him and kept doing my task. He shuffled around a little, and when I finished my task I stood up and made eye contact with him for a moment, a little required smile you just develop in customer service jobs, and went to pick up my next couple books to put away. He turned to face me, but still didn't say anything. I would have just walked off if no one had been there, but I just stood there for a second in case he wanted to ask me anything. He didn't open his mouth. And finally he walked away. I started snickering and went to put my books up. I mean, yeah, a GOOD customer service person would have asked him if he needed anything, but he was just standing there expectantly waiting for me to spoon-feed him and I hate that. I guess he went to go stand near someone else and wait for another employee to ask him stuff.

8/10/03

Someone came up to the register buying The Lovely Bones today, and I offhandedly mentioned that it was on my list of things I wanted to read. That got the customer's attention, but what she said made no sense: "Oh, have you read it?" Well, I suppose I might have a "list of things I want to read" that consists of books I've already read before, but . . . not bloody likely.

I had a dude at the register giving me a regular-priced unmarked book and saying, "Is this 30% off?" I told him I didn't imagine it was and asked him what spurred the question. He said, "The signs," and I asked what sign and he said, "The signs, the ones that are everywhere." Finally I got him to point out an example sign, and there it was in the window: "Back-To-School Sale, up to 30% off!" What's wrong with this picture? Oh yes, the "up to." That sign didn't say the whole store had 30% off, dammit. Read!

Some girl came in and her story was, "I bought this textbook from your store online and it's the wrong one and I want to return it." I explained to her that booksamillion.com is a different company with their own return policy and that we couldn't do anything with that, but then she informed me that the only thing she had in the way of a receipt was the charge on her bank statement. I found that kind of funny. Bank records in lieu of a receipt, and she thought that could get us to give her money back. I guess it's not that weird, but I still thought it was funny that she didn't think to check the returns policy at the place she actually ordered it. God forbid that had happened to her on Amazon; she would have had to try to find an Amazon.com retail store!

Yesterday my boss told me this story and I remembered it today. He said that a couple of people, a father and son it looked like (the son was probably in his late teens), came in for a book about witches. Well, he took them to the Occult section and showed them, but after browsing a couple of the books, the son told my boss that this wasn't what he wanted, he wanted books that told about how witches get their power from Satan.

My boss replied that he would not find that book because that isn't true. Daddy, standing by, interrupted that OH yes it was, and so my boss decided to tell it to them straight. Well, yes, you can probably find a book written from a Christian perspective that talks about the evil inherent in witchcraft, but any book that is written from an actual witch's perspective in an instructing manner is not going to mention Satan (unless it's to dispel misconceptions), because it's all Earth goddess and whatnot. He went on to say that "occult" only means "hidden," for hidden knowledge, and there is nothing inherent in witchcraft that has anything to do with the devil. Of course, you can find books that say the Earth is flat and that we never went to the moon, too. (They ended up getting The Complete Book of Witchcraft. That ought to shake them up a little. Buckland will make them flip out. I have that book in my personal library.)

8/9/03

Okay, so this morning I got two phone calls at the same freaking time. The first one was just someone wanting a copy of some Cliff's Notes (oops, I forgot to do my summer reading and now I'm in deep shit). The other was this lady who wanted to know if we had a certain book. She gave me just the title, no author, and when I typed in the title I got a listing for a book that we were supposed to carry. I put her on hold and went and got it, and then I got back on the phone and gave her the good news. She said, "It's there in the store?" No, lady, I frequently tell people "I've got a copy!" when it's a book I don't have. Anyway, I offered to put it on hold for the lady, and first she decided she'd be smart and make sure it was the same book as the one she wanted. Good thing she did! It was one of those books that had the same title as hers but was by a different author. Oops! Looking closer at the list I saw that there were twelve other titles with different authors, I had simply assumed it was the first one in the list because it was the only one we carried. I should have asked her who the author was; turns out it was some fella whose last name is long and unpronounceable. (She spelled it for me though.) After being told that ordering it would make the book come a week from tomorrow, she told me that was too long to wait and hung up.

No wait, that's not a punch line. The punch line is when she called BACK and opened by saying she wasn't sure which bookstores she'd already called but she was looking for this book. Well, at least she knew it was a possibility that she'd called me before. I was like, "Yeah, you called me about it already, that one by Michael Somebody." She was like yeah, haha, Michael Somebody. She told me she had indeed decided she was going to order it from us, so I went ahead and started getting the book on order. In the meantime she'd spelled his last name for me again; it wasn't an issue because I just went to the list that was still on the computer and clicked the one by the guy with the funny name. I told her I got it, I got it, and she then demanded that I give her the little subtitle because she wanted to make sure it was the right one. Dude, how many books can there be with this title and a last name like that?? Anyway, it was the right one, and when I asked her if she just wanted one copy, she said, "What do you need?" as if prompting me to take her information. Umm, just let me do this part lady, really I promise I'll get all the info I need. So we finally got to the ordering part and she asked me how long it'd be. I repeated that it'd be a week from tomorrow. "A WEEK from TOMORROW? Oh, that's too long. I need it way before then." But. . . . So I told her straight out. "I told you that when you called me before, you said that was why you decided not to order it the first time." She still acted like it was news to her, and I explained to her that maybe she needed to get it off the 'Net since that'd be a few days quicker. ::sigh::

8/6/03

I hate this.

"Sorry, we'd have to order that."
"You don't have any copies in the store?"

It makes me want to reply, "Well, ya know, once we get down to eight or ten copies of a book, we can't sell them anymore until we get more. So yeah I have copies, but I'd have to order it." Obviously she heard me or her answer would not have been to ask with "you don't have . . . ?" at the beginning of her sentence. Actually this happened a second time today too: "We'd have to order it." "So you don't have any?" Grr. . . .

I'm getting tired of the employees at the other store acting like customers. One lady who's worked there forever--she really ought to know better than to do the things that annoying customers do.

She called me to ask if I had a book her customer needed. I was familiar with the book because it was in the Kids' section, and told her up front I knew EXACTLY what she was talking about and I would look. Then bad news: We were out. So then, the other employee at the other store, she begins DESCRIBING the book to me. "Well, it's a big blue book. . . . " Do you think you can bring it back into existence in my store by visualizing it strongly enough? This book is not Tinker Bell; no amount of clapping is going to make it materialize at my store. Because I KNOW what it is and I already said we were out; that does not mean "I just don't know what book it is." Why do I have to deal with this from my own coworkers too??

Here is a Story of the Weird for you.

A woman came in with a dilapidated crossword puzzle dictionary, all dog-eared and missing its cover. We were able to find a replacement for her; "I've worn mine out," she said, as if that wasn't obvious. She went away happy, buying our last copy of that particular crossword puzzle dictionary.

Two hours later or so, another lady wants a crossword puzzle dictionary. And she wants the same one that she had before; she fishes out of her purse a laminated cover of her old one. Just the cover! Which is exactly what the first lady was missing. WEIRD. Same book too. We were out but she got a different one.

And then a THIRD woman came in asking, "Where are your crossword puzzle dictionaries?" I asked her if this was an epidemic. Luckily she was just there to get a gift and did not want a particular dictionary. But still, that is just weird. Crossword puzzle dictionaries are not a rarely asked-for item but it is not something I hear often either.

8/5/03

Someone called our customer service guy from the other store, asking him to help find some book on the school reading list. It wasn't a very common book, so our C/S guy didn't know offhand who wrote it, and the other store's C/S person told him the wrong author. He went to a bunch of different sections looking for it, and couldn't find it because he was looking under the wrong name. Finally he typed it into the computer to see if it'd be any help, and up popped the author's last name. Which starts with H, not W. Turns out they were giving him the author's MIDDLE name. Come on, guys. We're supposed to be professionals here.

Damn. Okay. Some dude called me on the phone and he wanted to give me the ISBN to get a book. I took the ISBN and what should it be but a book on the Atkins diet--only the most popular freaking book in the world. Problem is, it's a version of the book we don't carry. I asked him if it had to be that one, because there were other cheaper and more available versions of that same book, for instance, the mass-market paperback that we carried and had plenty of copies of. He said that'd be fine and asked for the ISBN of that one. I dug it up and recited it to him. Then he was like, "Okay. Well I'd like to order that one." What? We had like 30 copies in stock and I'd actually told him that. And yet he wanted to order one in. Go figure. According to the C/S guy who passed him off to me, the guy had refused to listen with him too, trying to pay for the book with a credit card over the phone (which makes no sense because you have to come get it anyway, and we need a SIGNATURE unless you're buying it to be shipped to your house), and when I answered the phone he was like, "He didn't explain it to you?" No, he didn't; the reason I'm answering the phone is that he is busy with someone ELSE, dude. Anyway.

Time for Disturbing Books with SwankiVY™.

SAY NO MORE.

8/4/03

Some lady told me she wanted a book that was in a kids' series I'd never heard of. When I told her I'd never heard of it but could check, she replied, "Well, I know it's really popular. Like Harry Potter!" Heh. Yeah, it's as popular as HP and yet I have been the Kids' Department Head in a major bookstore for three years and I've never heard of it. I looked it up and it was something we can't even order. So now we're looking at something that's "really popular" in one of three places: Another time, another place, or INSIDE YOUR HEAD ONLY. 'Nuff said.

I pretty much don't even want to write this one up because it was so convoluted and annoying, and just not very satisfying. But I'll tell you anyway, because you are the people.

Two ladies came up. One of them told me that there was some author who wrote books about the Titanic. She told me the author's name and then she said, "I think the book's called Collision with Destiny or something. Oh, and the author is Ballard." Blink blink, hold up there. "Ballard" was not the author she had mentioned before, who wrote books about the Titanic. Nevertheless, I did not get anything under the title she gave me, but after searching under the author's name I got something called Collision with History and asked if that was it. The lady said it was, but I said it wasn't about the Titanic, it was about some PT boat. And they were like, "No, that's it, that's it!" So I figured the first book the lady mentioned had to be another book she wanted. But when I asked her about that, she didn't seem to understand what I was talking about, and didn't understand my confusion over why she'd come up and given me one author's name and the fact that he wrote books about the Titanic, and then in the same breath told me it's a title that has nothing to do with the Titanic and is in fact by someone other than the first author mentioned but yet the whole time this has been about the same book. That just got a big WHATEVER from me.

It was only one of the ladies who was shopping for this book; the other went off to look for something on her own. So I asked this lady if she wanted to wait for me at the desk or if she wanted to come back with me. She replied, "Do you know if it's in large print?" I told her it wasn't a large print edition and repeated my question. She said, "Okay, honey." Allll righty then. I started walking and she started following, and added, "Oh, and if it's got small print I can't read it." Gotcha.

Anyway, so I took the lady who wanted it over to the section. Unfortunately it was not where it was supposed to be, so I started combing the shelves searching to see if it was in the wrong place nearby--happens often. After a few moments of this, the lady informed me that our section really should be alphabetical. I informed her that we PUT it alphabetically but then other people feel it is their responsibility to rearrange our store. ::sigh:: She elaborated, and said, "Because THEN 'Hitler' would come BEFORE 'Collision.'" In what world this makes sense, I do not know. Putting aside the fact that titles don't matter in organizing something by AUTHOR, there is no way "Hitler" comes before "Collision" in the alphabet anyway. I ignored that.

I got to the end of the section and it wasn't there, so I told her so and asked her if she wanted anything else while she was here. She said, "Do you have it?" Grrr. I told her apparently we were out. Was there anything else she needed? No. But then she started following me; of course I had someone on the phone waiting for me to help them, and I ended up in the Biography section helping the woman on the phone with this other lady randomly following me around. She began combing the Biography section trying to find her history book. This was just bizarre. I had yet another phone call that required me to go to the desk, and I did so . . . and she FOLLOWED ME some more. Finally when I got off the phone she said, "So, you didn't have it, huh?" ACK! I asked her if she wanted to order it and she said no, it was too much money anyway. (Why were we looking for it all this time anyway???)

Then she wanted to know if they made Harry Potter book 5 in large print yet. I told her we could order it, and she said that was okay because "They told me last time I was here that they would have it in by September 15." No, that's the case if you ORDER IT; it's a special order from the publisher and that's how long it would take, not just some random date in the future when we're going to start carrying it in large print for no reason. She had me order it. The end.

This lady was nice, but I always cringe when people open with, "Can I ask you a stupid question?" You have no idea what a stupid question is, do you? Stupid questions are questions that the customer actually thinks are valid questions. Anyway, what she wanted was to tell me the plot of some romance novel and have me help her find the author. Problem was, when I told her I don't read romance and didn't recognize that plot, she kept telling me more about it. For what reason, I do not know.

My boss's son was using a book for a pillow. He leaned it up against a shelf, leaned back on it, and made it bend almost to the point of it making a semicircle, just leaning back on it like it's a chair. I decided not to say anything to him because I prefer to avoid speaking to him (he has been known to yell at me when frustrated, and I don't feel it's my place to do or say anything disciplinary), but I took the books away and hid them when he got up. I figured, though, that he would probably just get another book to damage when he came back, so as I was on my way out the door for the day I told my other manager to watch him, since she enjoys pouncing on the kids and telling them to stop misbehaving and would like nothing better than to tell the kid to cut it out.

Oh, and when I did a break for the cashier I was standing at my register and people kept going to the register that wasn't open and standing there forming a line, looking at me. What the hell are you thinking? Do you go to the unlit lines at the grocery store and stare at the cashier until she comes to you? NO, that's just silly. And so is doing it in my store!

8/3/03

A guy came up and asked me if I could help him find a book called My Turf. Then he immediately said, "Turf, T-U-R-F." I giggled. He asked why that was funny; was there an inside joke? I couldn't help saying it: "Well, you said a four-letter word and then you spelled it for me." He said he wasn't doubting my ability to spell. But . . . "turf" is not difficult to spell.

Some lady was asking for help but was being incredibly vague about what she wanted. She told me she wanted a book to tell her who all the people were. I'm like, what people, and she said she wanted a who's who book. I asked her what kind of people the who's who book should be about and she's like, "Oh, just people." After explaining to her that telling me she wanted books about people was not enough, we narrowed it down to the idea that she basically wanted a book with a collection of short biographies of various influential people. I guess maybe because I DID NOT SLEEP LAST NIGHT, I was feeling strange on my caffeine high, and was feeling incredibly helpful, so I helped her pore through the Entertainment section and the American History section, and was about to go to Biography as well to see if maybe any anthologies were there when she said that was fine, she could do it herself after she finished looking in the section she was already in. Well, wouldn't you know it . . . after helping her so much and being such a great customer service rep, I found one of the books I helped her find just thrown onto the counter. The thanks I get.

Some lady wanted a book called Brain Gym and had the author. She gave me both and spelled "gym" for me. I pulled it up easily and it turned out we had to order it, so she told me to do so. But then she kept asking questions. "So is it 'Brain Gym'? G-Y-M?" "Yes." "And it's by Dennison?" "Yes." Then after I asked for a phone number, again: "Who does it list the author as on your computer?" I told her, and then she said, "And it's 'Brain GYM'? G-Y-M?" Yes, lady. I did not have trouble finding this book and there is no doubt surrounding whether we're talking about the same one. No, it happens to be Brain Gem by Carlos Dennison. Brain Jim by Ethel Dennison. Oops! I made a boo-boo! It's not the right "Brain Gym/Dennison" combination at all! ::sigh::

8/2/03

My first customer today was also my first Asshole.

The lady came up and said that she usually shopped at our other store, and that in our store she didn't know where the books she wanted were. She told me very specifically that she wanted "African-American Nonfiction." We've got a section for that, sure. I repeated, "NONfiction?" to make sure, and she said, "Yes." So I took her to African-American Nonfiction and she took one look and said, "Maybe I said it wrong. . . ." Obviously she had meant to say fiction, but I let her try to explain herself: "I'm looking for authors like Zane and Jerome Dickey. . . ." Well, putting aside the fact that the man's name is ERIC Jerome Dickey, I asked her if she was therefore looking for fiction. "Well I don't know," she said, and it became apparent that in her opinion, "fiction" is some kind of bookstore jargon--a technical name for one of our sections. She began to ramble about how the other store has a small section of these books and whatnot, and so I presented it to her very simply: "Are they made-up stories?" "Yes, yes!" she said. Ooh we have a winner. So I just replied, "Then it's FICTION," and took her there. I explained to her that we used to have an "African-American Fiction" section but the company had integrated it into Fiction along with Classics and Literature, and that if the other store still had it separated out, they weren't supposed to. But no, it's our fault. Heh.

Some lady who had been hanging around the Kids' section looking impatient finally sought me out. "Excuse me," she said, "Do you guys not do storytime here?" I said there has never been a storytime at our store. There is one advertised as being for preschool kids at 10:30 AM on Tuesdays, but no one had ever come to it in the THREE YEARS I've been here; I emphasized that three years because sometimes it seems like if I give someone an answer they don't like, they think it just means I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. She replied with a question, asking if we don't do the weekend one. I said we never have had Saturday planned as a storytime day. Then her kid mysteriously fell over and began crying loudly, saving me from having to talk to her anymore. ::grin::

Ooh, one from a coworker. She told me about it today, but it happened several days back. Some guy was asking for a book for his daughter or something, and was saying that they'd called and we said we had five copies. Problem is, according to our computers it's not something we even carry. She asked if he put it on hold but he said no, and kept ranting about how we SAID we had FIVE COPIES. She asked if he was sure it was HERE they called, and he said, "YES, they said it was the one right off the Interstate." "Uh-huh." "Right next to Bed Bath & Beyond!" "Uh-oh." The bookstore next to Bed Bath & Beyond is BORDERS. But when she suggested that that was the case, he kept ranting AGAIN about how we said we had five copies. Well, long story short, she called Borders and they mysteriously had five copies on their shelf. It was then that he saw the light and started to believe he MIGHT have been wrong. Ta-dah!

A lady walked up and gave me a paper, and said, "I made it easy, I even brought the paper." It was an order confirmation for something she'd apparently ordered. I had a vague idea what she might be handing it to me for, but it didn't make any sense, so I asked her what she needed me to do for her. She said, "Well, I'm here to pick it up." I asked her if she got a call and she said no, just that "If it was going to be in, it would have been in today." News to me. Our truck comes tomorrow, so I don't know what universe she was in. I asked her when this was ordered and she said, "Tuesday," and I explained to her that no truck had been to this store to deliver any books between the time she'd ordered it and today. We would get in touch with her when it came in, I promised. ::sigh::

I had to give a break to the register girl and this always yields Assholes. This time I got a kid. He wanted a Yu-Gi-Oh! pack that we were out of, and kept asking for it even though we said we were out, so he came around to the side of the checkout counter and said, "Well can I check in here?" pointing to the drawer. What? Luckily his mom dragged him away at that point and told him we said we were out, but it struck me as odd that the kid would think we were just squirreling them away, and that if for some reason we were, they'd necessarily be in that random drawer. That's where we keep the register tape, sorry to disappoint you.

Also this lady at the register came up and said, "I'm at Barnes & Noble, right?" I had to inform her that she in fact was not. She bought her books anyway, despite the fact that someone had given her a gift certificate to B&N, and then at the end of her transaction I asked if she wanted a bag and she said yes. Then I asked if she wanted the receipt in the bag. She said yes. And then when I put it there, she was like, "Oh, no, I need that, it has to go in my wallet or I'll lose it." Then stop saying "yes" to questions when you haven't listened to them.

Okay, now this one's wacked out. This lady came up and told me she'd called last night and reserved two school reading list books. No problem; I asked for her last name and checked the shelf--it was some unpronounceable name starting with C. Nothing was there, so I told her the case and said that was rather strange because if you call in asking for a book to be held we automatically hold it for at least two days. She reiterated that it had been last night, and I reiterated that it was odd. I said we wouldn't have put it back so it had obviously never gotten put there. She said, "Well can you just help me find them in the store? I need to get those books." So I tried to help her, but we were out of one of the books! I asked her if she was SURE she called our store and not the other one, and though she at first said yes definitely, she realized that actually she had called information to get our number and maybe they had given her the wrong one or something. I called the other store to see if the books were on hold there.

Long story short, THEY WEREN'T. So now I'm completely clueless as to how this happened. I said the only thing I could really do at this point was browse through the other hold piles, hoping maybe someone didn't know the alphabet and stuck her books on the wrong shelf. Then the fateful words were spoken.

"You know what, check under 'Harris.'"

I was like, huh? Harris?

She informed me that when she called she also ordered a Cliff's Notes book under the name Harris, and when she called to reserve these books she told us to just put them under Harris so it would be together with the other book when it came in.

At this point I'm trying to figure out if I should tear out her hair or my own. YOU SOMEHOW FAILED TO MENTION THIS TO ME when you knew all along that you'd specifically asked it to be held under a name other than your own? Where was the fucking mystery? She sowed confusion, made me run around the store looking for something we were out of, made me call the other store, and pissed me off, only to find that asking her "What's your last name?" invoked a technicality in the book-holding procedure. Somehow this just didn't occur to her until AFTER she'd wasted my time for five minutes.

I specifically asked her why she didn't say so, but I got one of those little ha-ha's reserved for people who don't feel obligated to justify their jerkosity. Oh, tee-hee, I made a boo-boo, isn't it funny.

No.

Some girl came up to me and asked me to help her find a picture of someone with a particular kind of disease symptoms. I thought it was kind of funny how she just came up and asked for "a picture"--obviously it was for a class assignment or something. She was like, "Yeah, I need a picture of . . ." blah blah. So I said we might not have anything, I took her to the medical section to look at illness books and then medical reference books, but nothing seemed to be particularly . . . well, illustrated. I told her that was what I expected, and she said, "Well, is there a magazine that would have the picture?" Yeah, I happen to know there's a magazine with these particular disease symptoms live and in color this week. Dear Lord. I suggested that she try the Internet, and she said, "So where would I go? Like . . . www.health.com or something?" I told her, in a voice that was obviously like "why the FUCK are you asking ME," "I wouldn't know off the top of my head what website is going to have pictures of what you need." She disregarded this and explained to me that she had the report written already, but she just needed a visual aid. I understand that this is the nature of the problem, chica. I DON'T understand why so many people find it necessary to explain to me WHY they need something after I've told them I can't help them. As if I'm gonna go OHHHH, well in that case, let me take you to the section that would actually have what you're looking for. What's worse is they always wait for me to say something after presenting me with this information. "I need this." "We don't have it." "Well, I need it for school." [Blank stare] What do you want me to do about it???

Can you tell I'm tense? ::pant pant pant::