Hey, itís me, Jamie. Again. You know, the short, scrawny kid who plays center on the football team. Yeah. Well, look, God, I need your help. I know I donít go to church but like once a year, but you must know who I am, right? íCause you know everything, right? Okay. Okay, then. Listen, God, I need something. See, this dance is coming up and I really want to ask this girl. But I donít know how to, and I donít know if sheíll say yes or if sheíll just laugh. But everybodyís going to this dance, God. Everybody. And if I donít get a date I canít go. Well, I could, but Iíd look stupid with no girl. So anyway, this girl, God, her nameís Laura, sheís in my math class. I really like her and would like to get to know her better. But sheís so pretty and stuff, so I donít know if sheíd just laugh or if maybe she already has a date. I think if I went to ask her out Iíd chicken out at the last minute and not be able to ask. If I knew you were helping me, God, I wouldnít be so scared and I might be able to say something. Right? So will you help me? Aw hell, you never answer anyway so why do I even ask you questions. Are you listening? See, there I go again. Iím asking you questions and you never answer me. I suppose maybe if I prayed more youíd answer more of my prayers. That only makes sense, right? Okay then. I still donít think you can hear me. Are you there, God? If you are, I really want your help with Laura. I really really really need her to say yes, God. I really hope youíre listening. Can you give me a sign or something? Itís raining outside now, God, if you make it lightning when I count to three Iíll know youíre listening okay? One, two, threeÖfour, Goddamn it! Sorry, I didnít mean to curse or anything but I really wish youíd make it lightning just to show me youíre listening. I really need your help God. So please will you help me? If yes then make it lightning on three, okay? One, two, threeÖyouíre not listening are you? Maybe Iím supposed to take it on faith, huh? Youíre really big on faith, Iíve heard that about you, God. I know whatís up. Iím smart. I donít think youíre listening, God. I dare you to kill me. Right now. Make lightning hit me. Ha, I thought so. You donít exist, do you? Then who am I talking to anyway? Goddamn it. I knew you didnít exist all along. All those times I prayed for a touchdown or for my team to win or whatever you didnít listen. I thought before maybe you were just too busy to bother with my little problems but youíre GOD, right? Youíre supposed to be able to do anything. If you really exist and you canít pull off a touchdown for me every once in a while you suck as a God. We should vote. I would appoint my friend Jeffís dad as God. Jeffís dad is cool and he cares about football and you donít. Heíd let me go out with Laura. Hey, I just thought of something. Maybe you can help us but you wonít, right? Maybe you CAN do anything and you just choose not to. Is that right? If Iím right make it lightning on three. One, twoÖthat was too early, God. But I guess I must be right, even if you didnít answer me and you canít hear me right now. It would only make sense that you wouldnít grant everyoneís wishes ícause then everybody would depend on you for everything and never get out of bed and sit around wishing for you to grant them breakfast. I wonít be like that, God. I get it now. I understand why you didnít help me in football. I think itís because the other guys and their dads were praying for touchdowns for THEIR teams too. So you have to be fair and just let us do it by ourselves. Right? If thatís right I understand, God. And I can ask Laura out tomorrow. I donít really need help. But thanks for listening.
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