I worked in retail (in a chain bookstore) for six years, so it's to be expected that I had my share of brushes with rude people. And really, most of the people I rang up, helped out, and generally encountered were nice enough. But there was always that one person a day, sometimes more, who did everything possible to piss me off. So I'm just going to vent here and list their transgressions, where you can laugh at them and think, Gawd, I'm sure glad I don't have her job!

This list is divided into three groups: People and situations that REALLY piss me off; people and situations that just annoy me slightly; and people and situations that are so irritating that I laugh at them. Have fun exploring my angst and annoyance. I must thank my old co-workers for helping me add to this list when I brought its various drafts in for their amusement: Thanks to Chris S., Diana, Lara, Angie M., Melissa, Mike S., Adam, Ariel, and Cliff.

• People who want a book but don't know the title or author and try to make you find it by what's on the cover . . . AND get pissed that you can't find it.

• People who watch the register display like a hawk and jump down your throat if something doesn't ring up with its discount . . . "HEY that's supposed to be fifty percent off!"

• People who misread or misunderstand signs and then accuse me of false advertising.

• When people throw books back on the shelf where they don't go or just on the floor because "they have people to clean it up."

• When people expect me to be able to recommend the perfect gift, yet they can't even answer the question "What are their interests?"

• People who say a bunch of stuff and clearly want an answer but haven't actually asked a question.

• People who get their panties in a bundle if someone isn't immediately at Customer Service to help them. (MOST times the customer service person isn't there, because of having been given another task or being away helping another customer. Sometimes C/S people need to be alerted that someone needs help.)

• When people get REALLY PISSED at me for not knowing off the top of my head everything they want to know about their book or author, or release dates.

• People who want me to wrap their presents and then criticize me that I'm doing it wrong.

• When something really horrible happens in the bathroom, like a toilet overflows or someone takes a crap in the sink.

• When people expect me to be a near-expert on *their* interests and get mad when I haven't ever heard of what they want. This is especially annoying if it is someone who wants something Biblical and they get self-righteous and bitchy when I have no idea where to point them. "Well, it is in the Gospels!" Oh yes, of course, everyone is Christian and if they're not they should be, and should feel ashamed for not knowing everything about YOUR religion of choice . . . *ahem*

• When a sign issued from our company has a really huge obvious embarrassing TYPO on it!

• People who get pissed at us for not knowing offhand what books are on their particular school reading list right now, or for not having said books in stock even though no teacher has bothered to call us with tips or order lists.

• Certain teachers or parents who expect us to do lots of research to FIND OUT what is on the school reading lists; some people refuse to understand that unless a teacher makes it available to us, we have no idea what they're doing, and it's too much work for us to try to keep up with what EVERY teacher is doing in the whole school district!

• When we run out of toilet paper, discount cards, bags, and tape.

• When people inform me that they "know" our store has a book just because they want it and think everyone should carry it because of that.

• When people can't accept that the online site of our company does not show what is in stock in the store. "Well your website said you had it in stock!" Dude, the website's whole INVENTORY is a warehouse, of course THEY have it . . . we're just a retail store! How would a website know what store you are going to shop at?

• When people come up to me at Customer Service and say "Excuse me, I'm looking for a book," and continue to talk when they can clearly see that I am ON THE PHONE and TALKING TO SOMEONE.

• People who want me to magically make a hardback book come out in paperback for them even though it's not due out for another six months.

• People who expect me to accept returns that they did not buy at our store (sometimes they even have another store's sticker still on them!).

• People who don't want to get a discount card even though they're saving more than the damn thing would cost.

• People who don't want to hear my explanation for why we can't do whatever they want us to do and keep interrupting me with suggestions as to how we *could* do what they want. (Example: Me trying to explain that their only options are to either let me call our other store to see if they have the book or to order it, but all they want to say is "Well could you check in the back???")

• People who can't find the book on the shelf and wander up to me asking me to check for the book in the magical "back room."

• Kids at special events who try to cheat the tournament runner or other kids. (It's REALLY important that they come out on top, ya know.)

• Kids at special events who tear open the wrapped gaming or trading magazines to get the pack of free promo cards inside.

• Kids at special events who take trading card notebook holders off the shelf and just put them in their notebooks without paying for them.

• Kids at special events who get whiny when we don't have the collectible cards they want for sale, or try to bargain with me to sell them cards at a cheaper price, or try to "return" the OPEN PACKS of cards they bought and don't like.

• Kids at special events in general.

• People who say "So do you have it?" after we've been standing in a large and disorganized section for a minute or so looking for the book. Yes, ma'am, see I see it on the shelf, but I was waiting for you to find it, and couldn't be bothered to take my thumb out of my ass long enough to point it out. I think these people think I can tell by looking at my computer whether we "have" it. I can't.

• When managers give preferential treatment to employees they like better.

• When managers cut your hours more than everyone else's because being the most senior person there makes you the most expensive.

• When managers pick and choose which rules they want to obey; it's set in stone "because it's in the manual" if it's something they don't want you to do, but if they want to have every weekend off, it's suddenly "not important" to follow the manager rotation schedule dictated in the manual.

• Being camped! I hate being camped. That refers to being followed (usually fairly closely) by a customer, usually when I'm with another customer. They think that following us around and standing close to me will ensure that I know they're next, and seem to think that if they don't practically get in my path, I will do everything in my power to avoid helping them.

• When our upper management is evil. (Read: Always.)

• The fact that we're open EVERY DAY except Christmas and there is no special holiday pay, though occasionally they buy us lunch on special days.

• People who don't understand the concept of tax making their purchases more expensive than the cumulative total of all their purchases' price tags, and act like they've been cheated.

• People who whistle or snap their fingers or say "hey you!" to get my attention instead of saying "excuse me" or something civil.

• People who think the Harry Potter books (or any other books beyond Satanist literature) are Satanic, and either give you a lecture or assume that every thinking person shares that opinion as they talk about it loudly and expect your ass-kissing and enthusiastic agreement.

• People who are unable to understand that the lack of people at Customer Service might have something to do with the fact that they might be helping another customer at that very moment. (Many people are convinced that if there's not someone at the desk the second they arrive, it means all the employees are irresponsible jackasses who spend the day standing around with our thumbs up our asses.)

• People who insist on continuing to dig for their discount cards after we've offered to look their information up in the computer. "Yes I got it here, but hang on, I know it's here someplace. . . ." Just save yourself--and me, and the people in line behind you--a giant headache and let me look your information up.

• People who think they're entitled to things because they have made a mistake. Like when they misread (or don't pay attention to) the date on a coupon, and have come all the way here expecting a discount, so when they get to the store they still think they're "owed" something for their disappointment.

• Delivery drivers who come to our receiving area and ring the doorbell, and when no one comes (sometimes the manager is gone with our only key, so no one can open the door), they just continue to ring the bell, holding it down longer and longer each time, until they are sitting there pressing the bell for a full minute, annoying everyone in the store, because they haven't thought "Gee, maybe I should go IN the store and ask someone why no one's opening the receiving door?"

• When customers come to a clearly blocked register and rearrange the counter so they can put their purchases down, then stare at the cashier at the open register as if the employee is supposed to come over there.

• People who get angry when they bring an unmarked item to the register and the cashier can't tell them the price off the top of their head. Sorry, man, if there's no barcode to scan, we don't know any better than you do, and we're not going to sit around trying to memorize the price of everything whose price tag might fall off or get ripped off by your putrid children. We will get a manager to price it for you, so don't you dare roll your eyes like I'm incompetent.

• People who think we're just not doing a good job if there's not someone in the store who is an expert on one of the sections they like. We are not incompetent just because we didn't make sure to hire someone who has specific knowledge about Antarctica.

• People who open a wrapped magazine, read it, mess it up, and then buy a wrapped one of the same.

• When people open packages and damage the packaging, not realizing that they're essentially stealing once they make the product unsellable.

• When people get irate over being unable to return a book because they have damaged it in the time they've had it.

• When customers think they know more about my job than I do, or could do it better.

• People who act appalled that the store isn't arranged the way they want. Example: The Kids' section is arranged by age group, then alpha by author within the sections. People will get mad that all the fairy tale books or storybooks involving dancing or horses are not together, when in fact it is just easier to find things by author.

• People who expect me to automatically have the same opinion as they do on something, as if it's obvious that any thinking person would, such as their stance on an author's writing style or the viewpoints of Dr. Laura.

• People who can't figure out how a section is organized even if it IS in order the way it's supposed to be.

• People who feel compelled to wish me a happy or merry whatever holiday I don't celebrate; even if it is well-intentioned, I wouldn't go wishing everyone a happy Beltane whether I want them to have a good day or not.

• People who ask about whether a children's book would be appropriate for someone who's a certain age or in a certain grade, without realizing that children are so personally diverse at any age and grade and may or may not be encouraged to read above or below their level anyway depending on interests.

• Those idiots who rip the covers off of porn magazines, hide them in the bathrooms, and steal the rest! (They think that we have theft detector thingies attached to the covers or something.)

• People who study in the café as if it is the library and get pissed if the environment doesn't suit them (e.g., when other customers are too loud, or when the noise from the café blender annoys them, or if it is too cold or hot in the bookstore).

• Customers who don't speak English and get angry when you cannot compensate for their lack of knowledge. (Yeah, I get the idea when you say "Discount card . . . make it . . . how to?" but I'm not quite sure what aspect you want me to explain, so don't you roll your eyes at me, buddy.)

• People who try to scare me into serving them better by threatening to go to our competition and looking at me pointedly.

• People who sigh disgustedly or make rude comments if I can't lead them directly to what they want. (This is especially annoying with magazines, as we carry THOUSANDS and they get impatient if I haven't memorized the exact location of each.)

• Children who complain that the television set isn't working right or doesn't get channels they want to see. (It plays movies and that's IT; you cannot watch Scooby Doo on there just because it is three-thirty.) You didn't come to a bookstore to watch TV, pinhead.

• People who are absolutely, one-hundred percent sure that they know the title or author and end up being completely wrong (e.g., after they have repeatedly spelled the author's last name for me and it turns out to be wrong, and that's why it took so long to locate the book, but of course it's still my fault).

• The weird men who come in and say cutesy things to me because they think I'm pretty.

• Customers who ask what they think is an obscure question, then don't believe you when you know the answer off the top of your head. Usually when this happens and the answer is "no we don't have that," they assume that we are just too lazy to look it up and end up asking another employee. It isn't possible, of course, that the other thirty-two kids in your child's class have been looking for this book for the last week and we might have heard that question before.

• When other employees, especially managers, make decisions about the department heads' sections and then execute the decisions without consulting us or even leaving a note telling us what is going on.

• When the trash in the back room is piled so high we can't open the receiving door.

• When people act like they've caught our company in a lie or "figured us out" when they inform me that our website (or even Amazon.com) has their book for several dollars cheaper. I don't know why the concept of retail prices being higher has not settled into the mind of society yet.

• People talking on their cell phones while I'm ringing them up, like I'm some kind of machine.

• People who don't listen to what I'm saying and reply to "Good morning!" with "fine thanks" or something.

• Café customers who think the answer to "Good morning!" is "Vanilla Latte."

• When people just walk up and ask me a question when I'm in the store but not on the clock and not wearing an apron.

• People who inform me that another bookstore "said we had it." Unless they called us and we reserved one for you, sir, there is no guarantee of us having anything at all. This is especially annoying when it seems that the customer thinks dropping this statement will reveal that he has the inside bookstore retailer scoop and therefore we can now bring it out of wherever we were hiding it.

• When people get mad that I can't answer the question "Well where could I get one?" when they are asking for some bizarre item that we don't carry.

• People who ask to use our free phone and then use it to call people and talk about unimportant things.

• When people try to just throw money at anyone in the store and walk out with a newspaper, when we are supposed to ring up the paper at the register like anything else. This usually occurs with old men and often is accompanied by some sort of whistle as they throw the money on any counter.

• When co-workers are nice to your face, then talk about you or paint a bad picture of you to higher management behind your back. This is especially bad if what they are saying is distorted or completely untrue, or based on a misunderstanding that they have not attempted to sort out.

• When customers take things off of unattended carts or open the boxes we're trying to unpack, which has the potential to mess up inventory.

• People who insist that there's no one in the whole store to help them, when they just haven't gone to the right place.

• People who make unreasonable demands, like for you to give them a list of all 140 books that an author has written, and then sigh and tap their foot when it takes a long time.

• People who insist that their card has not expired when I'm standing there looking at the expiration date.

• People who take stickers off of books that say 20% off and try to put them on other books, like we won't notice.

• When kids take toys out of their boxes and throw them, destroy the boxes, or consume parts of them.

• When people just don't understand that we don't have perpetual inventory. (Even if we did, you know books would be out of their places and still tough to find, or stolen or something.)

• The fact that our sale books are not in the inventory of the computer.

• When people get peeved over being unable to find a sale book that was "just here yesterday." Hey, put it on hold or buy it, or you have no business bitching.

• When people feel compelled to spell everything they say. Some people might need that but I'm a goddamn editor. I can spell "font."

• When people assume you can spell very weird things that they say very fast, like "Chez Matisse," but then spell the author's easy name slow and carefully.

• When people act confused, annoyed, or appalled over our very small inventory of toys, DVDs, videotapes, or music. We do not specialize in these things, yet we should have that hard-to-find videotape of the documentary about the Amish. (That is a real example. Yeah.)

• When people prompt me to do things I was already in the process of doing or was about to do anyway. This happens most often when I'm explaining to someone on the phone that the computer says we carry the book, and they interrupt me to ask me to go look for it and hold it for them. I have no guarantee that the book is there just because the computer says it is, so of COURSE I'm going to check the shelf before I say "yeah, it's here."

• When there is lots of recovery to do that was left from the night shift before, or when day shift doesn't do their part to clean up also.

• When people ask "Is this the only place it could be?" Well, in addition to being in the self help section, we also placed it on the "books written by a woman" table, and the "books lots of people ask for" table, oh and since it has a blue cover we shelved it on the blue shelf. Also, it smells kind of funny and is by a publisher from overseas, so it's on those two specialty shelves as well. Jeez. Unless it is a bestseller or happens to be a bookseller's pick, or is brand new, the answer to that question is NO. (And if it falls under any of those categories, we will generally check the applicable sections before it gets to the point where you have to ask that question.)

• When people get the blank "deer in the headlights" look when I point where they need to go to find books on whatever subject.

• THE HORRIBLE ANNOYING RETAIL STORE MUSIC. Enough said.

• When people can't be bothered to read the sticker or sign, but just see the giant percentage off display and assume it applies to anything and has no other conditions.

• Teachers who expect more special treatment than we're allowed to give them. Just because you chase brats all day does not mean you're entitled to being a brat every moment outside the classroom.

• When certain very in-demand or in-short-supply Hallmark ornaments or other specialty items are gone and we cannot get more.

• When we can't find a box for whatever they want.

• When employees who are unfamiliar with the specialty sections of Hallmark, Kids', Magazines, Salebooks and Key 6 (junk) just throw any and all of these items on shelves where they look like they go.

• When the management decides to stick the department heads of said departments on the register or at Customer Service when alternates are available. This is especially annoying if the department heads are later harassed or otherwise bitched out because their work is not done.

• When someone puts something back in the wrong place when the right place is right next to it. This is especially insulting and annoying when it involves Hallmark cards.

• People who take their coffee cups or whatever from the café . . . or really, any trash at all . . . and wedge it between books, on shelves, in hard-to-find places so that the drink begins to grow mold before we find it.

• People who speak very slowly and carefully when saying a book's title or author, as if we're too stupid to understand them if they speak normally. You can just say you want The Stand by Stephen King, I will understand you; you don't have to say "Thuh . . . STAN . . . Duh." I've been talking for many years now and special enunciation is not needed for my bookstore-working ass to find what you want.

• When I get called to Customer Service and the person who was waiting for my services sees me coming and SPRINTS to intercept me before I can get to the desk, as if I'm trying to get away. They don't seem to understand that I was called specifically to help them and that the meeting place was the customer service desk, and that I have to go there ANYWAY in most cases to look up their books. It is really insulting to be practically jumped by a semi-frantic customer who thinks I will do everything I can to get away from them. They have even done things like physically blocking my path to the desk because they think I will walk away and not help them, or maybe help someone else before them (oh, horrors!).

• People who pay at the register and then, after all is said and done, ask "Oh, did you do this yet?" and show the discount card. What the hell? Of course I did the discount card before I took your money. It's not like you pay and then I give you change back for what you saved. Jeez.

• When we are out of some specialty item that comes with the purchase of some other crap, and customers make a big shit that we are out and that it "isn't fair" even though the sign clearly says "while supplies last."

• When people think that our lack of a certain product indicates some political agenda. (I was actually informed by a conservative Republican that our store is liberally biased, because, well, we were out of whatever book Rush was hawking on the radio that morning. It is of course not possible that other Rush cronies came in and got what we had before his lazy ass got there.)

• People who get mad that the discount card doesn't discount purchase of gift certificates. (That's because they're just like cash, and they won't TAX either! But try telling that to some people!)

• Parents of school-age children who don't understand why a book is not available in paperback. See, some book companies release paperback versions ONLY through school organizations or catalogs, and those paperbacks aren't available for bookstores to order or sell. But, of course, some people just think we're hiding the paperbacks or lying to them to make them buy the hardbacks. Those people should die.

• Customers in the café who act impatient when it's not their turn yet, but still take a while to pick what they want, as if it has to physically be their turn to order before they can consider their options.

• People who open wrapped or boxed books to look inside, without asking. (Especially when they dispose of the wrapper in an inconvenient place, or damage the product while doing so.)

• People who exaggerate the time they've had to wait (e.g., at Customer Service for assistance, or on the phone on hold). This is especially annoying when I'm told a book was ordered three weeks ago and we should have it, when the computer shows us clearly that the book wasn't even ordered a week ago.

• People who come to our store when they meant to go to the other one (or even one of our competitors), and get bitchy when we have no idea what they're saying (e.g., they ask the other store to hold a book for them, then come to our store and act irate that we have no record or memory of said event). Sometimes they act like it's our fault for somehow being unclear about not being each other. It's never their fault.

• People who unwrap the pornos and cram the wrappers in the computer section or whatever, or people who put said porn magazines (or books!) somewhere else so they don't have to embarrass themselves by going to the sex section again. (It is amazing how many people will pretend they're looking at Crafts and Hobbies books because it's right across from the Sexuality section and they don't want people walking by to think they're a perv.)

• People who take up a lot of any associate's time to hand-pick lots of books, then leave them in a stack somewhere or shoved where they don't belong.

• People who try to "return" books they just got off the shelf and lie about them being a gift!

• When people are signing their credit card slips and then hold the slip, and the pen, out to me until I take it. Just leave it on the counter, I'll take it when I can. (It's just frustrating when I'm trying to bag something for them, or reaching to get something, and they *move with me* trying to physically push the slip and the pen into my hand or something. Put it the hell down and leave me alone!)

• Parents who let their children make a huge mess in the Kids' section and then don't even try to clean it up or apologize.

• People who read newspapers in the café, mess them up or spill coffee on them, and don't pay for them.

• Those people who get pissed at me for asking for ID when they write a check! (I even had one guy say "What is this? THAT'S something new!" when to my knowledge you generally need to show ID when you write a check everywhere!)

• When people come up to the out door and wait for someone to let them in because there's no handle. (Hello!!!)

• When there are books on the shelves that we aren't supposed to carry.

• When you find a book in the store that is so unbelievably bad that you can't believe it was written, let alone published.

• People who bark "There's nobody over there!" with a smirky face when I try to send them to Customer Service for assistance, before I have a chance to explain to them that I will call them and make sure someone meets them there. . . .

• Freaks who try to witness to me in the checkout line! (Maybe they see my pentacle earring and think it means "invite me to your church, please.")