Subject: Eragon review
From: Ugly Truth
To: Ivy

Wow. We have got to get you laid! You are an unhappy woman who desperately needs something besides grammar and a slightly higher IQ than most. You are the female Comic book Guy.

I would tone down on the content of your reviews. They are novels themselves and no one wants to hear the mindless ramblings of an ugly girl with Princess Leah braids.

Now to be honest I haven't read Eragon and I never will. I don't like silly fantasy novels that have no real character development. Ender's Game being an exception. A friend recommended that I read Eragon and I always search to see what the book is about. To me, fantasy is as ridiculous as a romance novel, or a Tom Clancy novel and about as mundane and predictable.

Now I've glanced at your other reviews... Tori Amos? Meditation? Are you a closet lesbian? I'm mean that's fine, some of my best friends are but really... Tori Amos? Come on, that is so 1997 Lilith Fair. I think you need to go out there and either find yourself a good woman or invest in some high quality dildos. You're choice but please do something. I think others would agree.

[I responded to this almost immediately, since I happened to be online when it showed up in my mailbox and I just love to pick on snots.]

Subject: Re: Eragon review
From: Ivy
To: Ugly Truth

Wow. We have got to get you laid!

Wow, did you take troll lessons or are you actually this much of an ass?

You are an unhappy woman who desperately needs something besides grammar and a slightly higher IQ than most. You are the female Comic book Guy.

Sorry, but you've got me pegged kinda wrong here--not that you'd bother to believe that since you chose to base your conception of me completely on a small selection of my opinions. Incidentally I edit professionally--everyone has to do SOMETHING well, and it certainly isn't my problem if this isn't your ball of wax so you have to take a crap on other people who consider it important--but it really isn't difficult for me to notice grammar glitches. I'm not a sad lonely girl who obsesses over grammar; I pay attention and I make money doing it professionally. There's a difference.

I would tone down on the content of your reviews. They are novels themselves and no one wants to hear the mindless ramblings of an ugly girl with Princess Leah braids.

Thanks for the compliment, asswipe. Tone down on the content? You mean you'd rather just read a couple sentences of "omg this book r00lz get it now"? I prefer a book review that's more like you'd read in a magazine, and incidentally you're the first person to complain about the length. Mostly because those who don't want to read an in-depth review skip to the next one. And is it just me, or do I have reason to suspect that if a person who disagrees with me also calls me "ugly," there's something besides a difference of opinion going on here?

Now to be honest I haven't read Eragon and I never will. I don't like silly fantasy novels that have no real character development.

At least we have THAT in common. Maybe there's hope.

To me, fantasy is as ridiculous as a romance novel, or a Tom Clancy novel and about as mundane and predictable.::

And now you've proved your ignorance again by writing off an *entire genre*. I don't tend to like traditional fantasy--or, say, romances--but if one is written well I'll still give the writer props. You, on the other hand, seem to be the type who would say "I don't like anime," for instance, because you've seen one or two examples and *assume* they're representative of the genre. The world's a little bigger than your backyard and your brain, I promise. Now I've glanced at your other reviews... Tori Amos? Meditation? Are you a closet lesbian?

Um . . . is this a sentiment *designed* to show how ignorant you are?

I mean, here you write me out of the blue to crap all over my well-constructed and helpful (though opinionated) reviews and then you judge me as a "closet lesbian" because I like Tori Amos and meditation? Who is filling your head with these kinds of ideas? How does meditation and Tori Amos equal any kind of sexual orientation? Oh wait--you wouldn't insult me for liking these things if you liked them too, so obviously I can draw the conclusion that you know very little about these things and thus can be expected to make these kinds of ignorant statements.

I'm mean that's fine, some of my best friends are but really... Tori Amos? Come on, that is so 1997 Lilith Fair. I think you need to go out there and either find yourself a good woman or invest in some high quality dildos.

Hmmm . . . "She appreciates the work of a talented, prolific, and interesting artist about whom I know very little. Must need sex with other girls!" This is so damn silly I can't even begin to argue with you about it.

You're choice but please do something. I think others would agree.

Hmm . . . yeah I guess you're right, I need to go out and buy a vibrator and that will stop me from having the kind of opinions I have. Can I just ask what you smoked before you wrote this response? It doesn't even make any sense.

As to whether others would agree, I really don't think so. Yours is the first e-mail I've ever received of this type. But you're not the first online moron I've dealt with--not by far--and you don't even come close to standing out in either camp of jerks (well-spoken misguided people and plain old gibbering jerks).

Now if you really have some interest in pursuing a *real* e-mail conversation with me--regardless of whether it's an argument--I would suggest calming the hell down; thinking a second before making completely b.s. accusations; and not coming near your computer after heavy drinking, drug consumption, or unfocused thinking. I'm not interested in talking to monkeys who haven't bothered to learn my language, but I will at least fling back when they squat turds and throw them at me. I'm throwing your turd back at you now, but unless you learn to do more than grunt and pick your ass don't expect me to talk to you again.

--Ivy

[No, he didn't write back.]

actually Ivy seems anything but unhappy! People DO want to hear her reviews and SHE'S DEFINATELY NOT UGLY!

how can you say that? do you need your eyes tested? why do guys/girls have to put someone else down to make themselves feel better..

'Tone down her reviews?' And what?, write something really boring instead? Her reviews are great just the way they are. Plenty of site visitors would back me up here.

and the Comic Book Guy is pretty cool actually. So are Princess Leah's braids.

'Closet lesbian? - Tori Amos' now there are some stereotypes of what lesbians like.. actually there are some actual lesbians (not based on assumption) who have never heard of Tori Amos. I think you're generalising really.

"Get laid and buy a dildo" - Don't you think if Ivy was interested in sex she could find someone and have it? How many times does she have to tell these site visitors that she's not interested in sex!! "Non-sexual" does not equal: needs to get laid, needs a dildo.

Now if she was upset about NOT having sex and needed to 'get laid' she would hardly say she is non-sexual.

Having a partner also doesn't equal happiness. Ivy is single and is a lot happier than most who are in actual relationships.

Not having a go at those who are in relationships, but the point is, the "get laid, dildo" remark is unnecessary.

Ronni: Did you notice the grammar mistake in the email?

You're choice but please do something.

Haha. I guess I need to go out and "get laid" too. *eye roll*

What I don't understand is why this person is so hung up on something that is none of his/her business?

linguafranca: And the person misspelled "Leia."

/editor and geek all rolled into one
/obviously needs to get laid

swankivy: I noticed both mistakes, and he also wrote "I'm mean" instead of "I mean." Maybe it was Freudian?

brownbearclan: OMG. Ok that knuckle dragger needs to find something better to do with all that spare time he has. I mean, what the...where the...who the..fuck it, ya know that guy isn't even worthy my chicken pecking.

caragirl: Oh no, Ivy, you SENT me Tori Amos songs! What are trying to do? Trying to turn me into a lesbian? *rolls eyes* I swear on all things holy, that's got to be the most GRRR. ROAR.

Mikey: whom ever this person is I hope that they are castrated before they are able to pollute the rest of the world with the ignorance and closed-mindedness, it is people like this that really are a perfect example of why sex between siblings is illegal but I will guess his parents weren't told.

Eliot: Ok, so I've been *really* bored the last few days and have pretty much read through your entire site... that's what unemployment does to a guy, I guess.

Anyway, I refrained from commenting in random places so far, because I figured if I commented everywhere I felt like it, I'd suddenly flood your inbox (if you get email notifications of these comments, that is) and that would probably be irritating.

Just two things:

1. I completely and totally agree with your review of Eragon, and unlike above jerk, I found your book reviews to be very useful, amusing and a refreshing change from "OMG ITS SOoOO GOOOD!11!"

2. Why is it that everyone who disagrees with you seems to decide you're ugly and/or you need to get laid? Ok, so I'm not actually expecting you to know the answer to that one, but I just felt I had to say something. Because really, I'm opinionated and not shy about that, but I don't remember the last time someone told me to just go get some already... (well, not for that reason, anyway)

Sorry not all of this was on topic to the jerk on this page.

Also, on a side note? Do you know how carefully I've been checking my grammar/spelling throughout this comment. I'm sure I've made mistakes, but damn, woman, you scare me :P