All of this is quite new to me. And I have mixed feelings about it.

Probably you are happy, but you must acknowledge that you can grow to be happy living in a cage all your life, as long as you never know(or try to) see how it is outside. (O.K., as a writer you can find a lot of other situations instead of being caged, I'm exaggerating).

Being happy does not mean you shouldn't try to be happier!

It's a experience out there in your reach, it's not like wanting to fly a spaceship (at least not in our lifespan). What do you have to lose? On their dying bed, a lot of people regret things they never done or tried to do.

I think you miss one point of the article from Salon article: maybe what you have is a problem (with a cure).You just choose to dismiss it at #8. It is your right, but are you sure?

It is a experience of life that you dismiss. To be a old lady with a lot of cats might not scare you now, but how many have you knew and were happy? (dying minds aside), try imagine yourself at 30+, 40+, 50+? One sure thing in life it's your own demise.

You must realize that your time is running out , at twenty something you're not too late, but you're getting close. Most of the girls have their first sexual experience at 15-18 years old, and usually it's not a positive one; it takes patience and time, even with a suitable partner(chances are dropping with the wrong one) for them to discover their sexuality.

It's not clear if you didn't try, or tried and had bad experiences , in both cases it's not a reason to stop trying.

Chances are also dropping if you let the time go by. Sex has positive and negative aspects, you tend to see more of the latest as you grow older, that's one the causes of sex drive going down for a lot of people/couples.

Being so open about your choice has also two sides: good for people around you (there are some that live in denial, even get married and end up in the best case divorcing), and not so good for you : you create a image of yourself you might feel compelled to uphold.

I just hope you'll not regret your choice when you're older (or worse) and it will be too late.

[That's so much fail I don't even know where to start. I e-mailed him.]

To: dia_lg
From: Ivy

Hi dia_lg, thanks for your comments on my Nonsexuality Rant. As you might imagine I have some comments in return. Here they are.

Probably you are happy, but you must acknowledge that you can grow to be happy living in a cage all your life, as long as you never know(or try to) see how it is outside.

I think the difference between me and a "caged" person is that I am not being kept from anything by others' will. And if I were unaware of the possibility of having sexual partners, it'd be one thing, but since I am quite well aware of sex and the fact that it happens and the fact that I could have it if I wanted and am choosing--CHOOSING--to listen to my instinct and my mind on this subject, I would say it is not much like being in a cage at all.

Perhaps a caged person might be one who wears a chastity belt at the insistence of another, or one who has had a genital-mutilating surgery or some such. These people can't enjoy sex because others have imposed it on them. I, on the other hand, have the opportunity to go after sex if I want to and I do not choose to because it does not appeal to me. Different situation.

(O.K., as a writer you can find a lot of other situations instead of being caged, I'm exaggerating).

Thanks for that admission, but don't think that because I'm "a writer" it's therefore my escape from an otherwise dingy life or something.

Being happy does not mean you shouldn't try to be happier! It's a experience out there in your reach, it's not like wanting to fly a spaceship (at least not in our lifespan). What do you have to lose?

I have never received any impulse from my body that indicates that I'd enjoy sex. I don't think it would make me "happier." That's why I don't do it even though it's something I certainly could theoretically do.

Now, say there is a heterosexual male. He knew as soon as his sexuality awakened that he liked girls. He has spent all of his mate-searching efforts looking for women, never having it enter his mind that he might find the perfect mate in a man. And then someone came up to him and said, "Why is it that you haven't tried homosexuality? How could it be that you KNOW you wouldn't like it without TRYING?"

The fact of the matter is, 90% of men that you say this to would look at you like you were ridiculous. Of course they know they're heterosexual. They've never had an attraction to a man, and furthermore even if they don't have a problem with gay people, they certainly become a little uncomfortable or even disgusted by the idea of behaving intimately with a man. And they know this without trying. They know because their instinct tells them. And I'd be willing to bet most of them would not be willing to have a nice bout with anal sex just to be able to tell other people that they've determined they're not homosexual by experimentation.

Do you not understand that *I* am like this, only with everyone? I cannot imagine being attracted to a person that way. And I know it as surely as heterosexual people know they would not enjoy homosexual sex.

This concept might be a little harder to get across to a bisexual or someone who is homo- or heterosexual but has been bi-curious, but I think for the most part people understand me a little better if I say I know how I feel and I should not have that cast into doubt just because I haven't tried it.

It is so hard for some people to accept that I actually truly believe my own feelings and should be allowed to have only my feelings as my justification for not trying it. But I suppose there are some people who will never understand because they cannot see past the joy that a sexual relationship brings them.

On their dying bed, a lot of people regret things they never done or tried to do.

I have a feeling there'll be plenty of things I wish I'd done that I never got to do. Our lives are pretty short for all there is to do in the world. But I don't think this has a place in our conversation. It's not fair to say "You'll regret it, I know you will!" just because this is something that matters to most of the population.

maybe what you have is a problem (with a cure).You just choose to dismiss it at #8. It is your right, but are you sure? It is a experience of life that you dismiss.

I think it would be a problem if I was lonely, or concerned about my so-called condition, or if it was related to a possible health problem. But it is not fair to tell me that because the lifestyle I choose does not include sex and romantic relationships, I am therefore "missing" an experience when I am in fact living a completely different experience. People who have a partnership with another person are "dismissing" MY lifestyle and never trying it. Who can say what's better? And considering it is my life and I am literally the happiest person I know, I think I'm the one who's fit to judge it.

That said, I think there is enough sex in the world without me taking special pains to try to make myself want to add to it (especially since I currently have no physical, mental, spiritual, or emotional yearning for what it brings).

To be a old lady with a lot of cats might not scare you now, but how many have you knew and were happy?

To tell you the truth I'm not going to have lots of cats. I don't like them. I'm not a fan of animals.

And also to tell you the truth, saying that I'll be an old lady with lots of cats insinuates that I will hoard little replacement friends so I'll have someone to love me even if it's just an animal. But I have no shortage of love or attention. In fact sometimes I get a little too much of it and I seriously want people to get the hell out and leave me alone so I can work on my writing or my e-mail or art or whatever. It gets frustrating. But no, being old AND WITHOUT A RELATIONSHIP (gasp!!!) is not scary to me any more than just being old is.

try imagine yourself at 30+, 40+, 50+? One sure thing in life it's your own demise. You must realize that your time is running out , at twenty something you're not too late, but you're getting close.

That's kind of borderline insulting. I don't know if you meant it that way but you're sure insinuating here that you're pretty sure I'm going to wake up screaming in horror one day realizing I'm *too late to find happiness* and I will shriek to the skies cursing my luck. Oh, what's to become of me?

Yes, I know I'm going to die one day. And that will happen whether or not I get married. But I can't believe you said to me that I am "running out of time," as if it is impossible to find a mate after 30 and that I should do it now before it's too late to find one. I. Do. Not. Want. One. It is not something I want--it is not a life goal. If anything I am concerned about getting myself into the publishing arena as soon as I can. I'd really rather you not wave my mortality over my head and say in a condescending way, "You'll be sooorrrrryyyy. . . . " You don't know that. And if you're right and I one day do want a mate, I imagine it will be brought out in me in a person-specific reaction, at which point it won't be an issue to find said mate. Until then, I will continue being how I am and being happy with that.

Most of the girls have their first sexual experience at 15-18 years old, and usually it's not a positive one; it takes patience and time, even with a suitable partner(chances are dropping with the wrong one) for them to discover their sexuality.

I think what you're missing here is that girls who have a sexual experience also have an inclination to do so. Well, unless they get assaulted or something. I never sought these relationships out because I did not have any desire to do so and have never been the type of person who is influenced by peer pressure either.

It's not clear if you didn't try, or tried and had bad experiences , in both cases it's not a reason to stop trying.

You say that either not trying or trying and having a bad experience are neither of them reasons to stop trying. Want to see my reason? I DON'T WANT TO. I have never wanted to have sex. That is what my "rant" is about. I have never had the desire to do it. I don't understand why I can say that again and again and be responded to with "well that's no reason to stop trying!" I never wanted to try in the first place. It is not a goal I want to achieve. Perhaps an out-of-shape person does not "want" to jog and an inexperienced juggler does not "want" to pick up thousands of dropped balls, but both WANT the result (being fit or being a good juggler). I cannot fathom what reason I would have to continuously try to achieve a "good" experience with sex when I do not want a sexual relationship or the sex act AT ALL in the first place.

you create a image of yourself you might feel compelled to uphold.

I've repeatedly stated (publicly) that my explanation of and announcement of my sexuality is not a statement of unbreakable vow of future chastity. I have said several times that it might change. It might. I also doubt it will, but I am not the type who will forgo happiness just because she wants to match the face she's put on for the world.

I am sure that if I ever do decide to mate I will be faced with a nearly intolerable number of "I-told-you-so's," so it had better be worth it, but for now all I can do is continue to live how I choose and in accordance with my physical and mental desires, and not let people tell me what to do. The truth is, if I die without ever feeling an attraction to someone, there will STILL be people who say "poor girl, never found 'the one.'" There is no way for me to prove that there IS no "the one" for me, and so I am not out to prove that. But I certainly do live as an example of someone who is happy--very happy--despite not having some of the things most of society considers vital to happiness.

::I just hope you'll not regret your choice when you're older (or worse) and it will be too late.::

I'm wondering if you're very young yourself and think that older people do not date and fall in love and have sex. If you are alive, it cannot be "too late" to pursue something if suddenly your switch for it flips on. Life and its experiences are not a train you can miss. Plenty of stops to get on and get off exist on its tracks. And forgive me for the extended metaphor, but for me, whether you decide to ring the train's bell while you're on it is entirely up to you.

I love to write and one of the best feelings I've ever had in the world is finishing a novel. But let me tell you, it does not make me sad in the least to imagine how many people will never have that feeling, because if you are not driven to create characters and scenarios the way I am, then you will never have that sort of payoff either. Just because it is good--GREAT--for me does not mean I a) Consider non-writers a sad group of people who will never know true happiness or b) Continuously encourage non-writers to become writers. If they have the inclination, they will pick up a pen. Some will love it. Some will like it. Some will be good at it and some will suck. Some will finish a novel and be able to talk to me about how wonderful it is.

But it isn't my business to tell people who don't have any interest at all in writing that in order to fully live they must construct and finish a novel. It will not work for them any more than catching the last play of the game and landing in the end zone would feel like a rush and an achievement to me, because I am not into football. I expect others to respect that I am not into football and sex, and to leave me alone to be right about my own feelings. Part of the reason I have a nonsexuality site is to try to express that it is a mature, legitimate sexual orientation.

Feel free to continue discussion on this or other subjects, I might have been snippy in this e-mail at times because some of your statements seemed narrow or condescending to me, but I do respect that you have your opinion and if you have rebuttals or comments or questions about anything I've said here or elsewhere I will be glad to answer back.

Thanks again for taking the time to offer your response.

~*~ivY