My Record of Work: The Annoying, the Interesting, and the Just Plain Weird--The Year 2006.

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JUNE!


6/25/06

And goodbye to the Assholes. I'm sure they will remain assholes forever, though I will not be there to see them.

I only had one Asshole today--I was hoping my last day might be Assholes-free, but it couldn't be. Luckily, it was not a bad one. He was holding a Bible and he comes up and asks me if I can tell if I have "quantity." I'm like, "quantity?" And he's like, "YES, do you have QUANTITY? Meaning HOW MANY??" I asked him if he needed a book looked up but it turned out actually he was asking if we could find out for him how many copies of this Bible we had in stock--and apparently he thinks that coming up and saying "Do you have quantity?" is a good way of asking if there are more or if we sell them in bulk. How about "Do you have a large quantity?" or "Can you find out how many copies are in stock?" "Do you have quantity" is not a term we use.

And for my last day my boss gave me a gift card, I got a cake with Tinker Bell on it and a note addressed to "Little Fairy," and a couple other people got me stuff, one girl got me chocolate, a balloon, and a rose. I must say I feel loved.

And Wiccan Boy was there this morning, but he didn't say anything to me. Hallelujah.

When I was leaving for the day and had just clocked out, two people came up and just started talking, blabbering what they needed without any pleasantries.

Guess what?

I don't work here.

NYAH!

Y'all have a nice day now.


6/24/06

ARGH TOMORROW'S MY LAST DAY!

ARGH TODAY WAS A ONE-DAY SALE!

I hate one-day sales because people always think there's some kind of deal above and beyond what we advertised. But, of course, that is the mentality of a person who would run out and go balls to the wall because of an extra ten percent off. Whatever.

Take this family for instance. They were shopping around in the kids' section and came up and started grilling me about what's on the "three books for the price of two" sale. The books she wanted to buy were not, because they didn't have stickers, and I explained to her that the book had to have a "3 for 2" sticker or it was not included in the promotion, unless it was an intermediate series title (that whole section is on sale). The ones she was holding were from the kids' fiction aisle, and I explained that to her, but then she wanted to know again WHY they weren't on sale and I said they don't have a sticker. So she pointed to the signs that are all over the intermediate series aisle that say "3 for 2," so again I had to explain that she didn't get them from there, and showed her our category sticker on the back of the book that says "Kids' Fiction" instead of "Intermediate Series."

Not too much later she was back with a stack of books wanting to make sure everything in her hand was on the sale. I found three books in the stack that weren't. Two of them she swore up and down that she GOT them from Intermediate Series so they should be on sale. I said they shouldn't have been there if that was the case. But she insisted on showing me where she got them. There is one aisle that has the last authors from Kids' Fiction on one side (P through Z) and the first books in Intermediate series (A through G) on the other side, and she went down that one and started looking on the Kids' Fiction side saying, "Now, who was that author?" That's the first warning there, because the kids' fiction books are done by author but the intermediate series books aren't, they're done by series. So why would you look in the kids' fiction section and knowingly do it by author if you're trying to prove to me that it came from Intermediate Series?

I found other copies of the books she was insisting were Intermediate Series and showed her it was Kids' Fiction, and she goes, "Huh, well maybe that IS where I got it. But I coulda sworn. . . . " Lady, you've been wandering around this place all day, you have no idea where you've been.

Then her husband held up a book that was in the same series and said, "Well how 'bout this one?" Weren't you listening to any of the LOGIC that excluded the previous books from the promotion? Of course you weren't. Then I overheard the wife telling the husband they can't buy Ricky Ricotta books for their kid because they are by the same person who wrote "Butt Head Pants." She means Captain Underpants. And believe me, there are books more objectionable than those in the Christian section. I love Dav Pilkey.

So. We did our usual Yu-Gi-Oh! League and a kid got his cards stolen. The mother of the kid whose cards got stolen laid into the person who ran the tournament and said, "You should have been WATCHING them!" Oh, that's brilliant--now we're responsible for making sure that none of the 30+ kids in the league do something they're not supposed to do. We're supposed to provide this service even though Yu-Gi-Oh! is free, even though the person who runs it is NOT certified in any way to be in charge of children, even though YOU decided you trusted your kid with his possessions enough to leave him alone with strangers. No, lady . . . YOU should be watching them. I found out from someone else that this lady used to stand over her kid's matches and insist that she be the one to shuffle both kids' cards before the match so that she would know her son wasn't playing someone who was cheating. Guess what, Mom? You're not going to be able to stand over him for the rest of his life to make sure no one commits an injustice against your kid, and doing so now makes it more likely that he won't be able to deal with it himself when it happens to him.

And then some woman bought a bunch of stuff, found out we don't have the ability to give gift receipts from our registers, and proceeded to RETURN EVERYTHING SHE'D JUST BOUGHT. And what's worse is one of my managers has seen her before and she asked for a gift receipt last time and she told her we don't do them. Must have been one of those cases where she decided if she asked someone else she'd get a different answer. The problem with the whole gift receipt for books thing is that BOOKS USUALLY HAVE THEIR PRICES PRINTED ON THEM ON THEIR COVERS. The person who receives it is gonna know how much it was anyway!

As part of our sale we were giving away free red tote bags if you spent 50 bucks or more. This one guy came up--he kind of looked stoned or something--and asked us a bunch of questions about getting the bag, and then he went into the store to shop. Later another associate and I saw him coming away from the register having received a bag. He was holding it up and beaming for all he was worth . . . I guess getting the free bag meant a LOT to him. It was just funny to see something like that make someone's day.

Another coworker had this lady come up to him early in the morning and rattled the flyer that advertises thousands of books in the store on the 3 for 2 sale, and she said, "Get me books on this sale for a three-year-old." Heh. You're welcome, lady! Luckily this sale doesn't affect little kids' books. We don't have any for three-year-olds that are 3 for 2. Ha ha on you jerk.

And here's another Asshole from a coworker: He heard this woman going through a display table of Sudoku books and she was trying to pronounce it. "So duku? Su doki?" What the fuck, lady, just because it's a word you don't recognize, you completely lose the ability to sound it out? Where did your kindergarten grasp of phonics go? Anyway, then she commented, "Wow, this IS a smart puzzle, I can't even say it!" Jeeeez.

And this guy was nice, but the mistake annoyed me: He bought three bargain audio titles, saw his receipt charged him more than he thought he should have been charged, and came to me to rectify it, claiming that the bin he'd picked them up from said they were three for ten bucks and he got charged like 27 bucks for all three audio books. When I read the sign I realized it said $3 - $10. Meaning the price range in the bin is three bucks to ten bucks. Meaning NO THEY'RE NOT THREE FOR TEN BUCKS. Argh. No wonder they didn't have any stickers on them.


6/21/06

Some lady was looking for a particular sale item we used to sell, and I didn't find any where they used to be, so I told her as far as I knew we were out. I told her it was possible that it was on one of the game tables but that I hadn't seen it there, and she apparently gave up and thanked me, walking toward the back of the store. But as she left and I was about to go back to my work, she said, "If you find it, call me." And then she was gone. All right, so I'm supposed to "call" her by getting on the intercom and saying, "Yeah um that lady who wanted that thing? Can you come back to the desk? I found it!" Or maybe I'll wander around "calling" her name that she didn't give me. Or I could even psychically find her phone number and call her that way! Yeah. . . .

Some kid was asking one of my managers for help and he kept mumbling and she couldn't understand him. Then his father came up and asked the kid what he was asking about, and that answer was mumbled too. The father replied, "Stop mumbling. Now what do you want?" Heh. He told you! Then my manager called me to the customer service desk because there was another person waiting for help, and she told the kid to come with her to find his book. As soon as I got to the desk he stopped following her and turned back around and followed ME back to the computer. Like I was supposed to help him now. I guess he thought he must be the only person who could have had someone called to help him. No actually you should follow the lady who told you to follow her.

Some girl came in and asked our cashier where she could find books in a series that sounded Japanese. He asked her if it was manga. She said, "No, it's anime." Argh. Anime is the television program. Manga is the comics. If you're gonna read the stuff, how 'bout learning the vocabulary? Man I'm a brat.

Here's an amusing one: A lady called and wanted to know if we had the NIV Bible on CD. We had a couple versions and I answered all her questions about who reads it on the CDs and how much money it is. And then she wanted to know how many CDs are in there, and I said 64. "That's funny," she said, "there's 66 books in the Bible!" She went on to talk about how impossible it is that the CD collection should only have 64, and how she wonders how come that is, and also she rationalized that maybe since a few books of the Bible are so short they don't have their own CDs. "I wonder why they even put those ones in there?" she said. Then she decided--this was her final reasoning--that they must have chosen to put it on 64 CDs because 66 CDs is too close to being "666." And they don't want that.

I'm sure that's what it is. Too bad the people who made up which books would be in the Bible didn't think of that.

A couple came to the desk with a request to look up a book, and the woman turned to the man--who was wearing a shirt that said "Do I look like I care?"--and asked him what the name of the book was. The man said, "I don't know--you never told me, don't look at ME." So back and forth they go trying to figure out the title of the book and it's mostly the woman insisting that in just a second she'll remember the author's name or something. She kept telling me what it was about and I didn't know a new book on the subject but I half-heartedly tried on the computer and couldn't find one. Finally they went to the section it would be in and started browsing and she assured me that when she thought of the author's name she'd come back and tell me. I didn't see them again, so . . . I don't know.

And a nice one: Someone asked for our hours today and when I told her how long we're open she was delighted at our late hours and yelled, "I LOVE YOU!" into the phone. I mentioned it to one of my managers at Customer Service and she was helping a customer, and the customer chimed in that we are the best bookstore and she and her husband buy stuff from us more often than anywhere and blah blah blah. It was nice to know we're loved.


6/20/06

People tried to pay at the customer service desk twice today. One was a dude who walked up and put his stuff down and when I said, "Can I help you?" just stood there looking at me. Finally when I repeated it he informed me that he wanted me to check him out and I told him where to go. Soon after I was called to the register and I had to help him check out anyway. Which is kind of annoying. Because now he probably thinks I could have done it back there too, for some reason. That's how customers think. And then the other one was a lady who responded to my "Can I help you?" with "That's it!" and shoved her magazine at me. C'mon guys. Seriously. If I could check you out there I'd probably make it more obvious that that was an option. . . .

I actually had someone tell me that "us girls" are always so helpful and nice. She was such a nice old lady and it was just nice to hear from someone that our work is appreciated once in a while.

And I have a new pet peeve for register: When I ask a customer if they have a discount card and the customer says "Yes" and then just stands there. Okay, this requires some explanation. Are you just standing there because you really should be saying, "Oh, I do have one but I don't have it with me, could you look me up?" Or are you just standing there because now I have to prompt you to take it out of your filthy pocket? Generally when someone asks you for your card, they need it or they can't give you the discount, OR you can speak to them like a human being and ask them to do the extra service of looking you up.


6/19/06

Had a guy treat me like I was incompetent today because he didn't like my answers. First he came up and asked me for a particular nonfiction author's books, and I asked him which one he was looking for. He gave me a "stop asking pointless questions" face and told me to just take him to where they all were. I told him the reason I asked which one was that I could think of four different categories that this guy writes books in.

Elaborating by giving him exact titles and sections of the store, he rejected the science section and the travel section and settled on the one book that was a biography. I took him to the spot it was supposed to be, but there were none there, so I explained that I'd noticed some of his books were being featured on displays lately and I would check to see where else this should be.

Unfortunately, this book wasn't one of the books that had been chosen for the display; we carried one copy, and since it wasn't in the section that meant it was either recently bought or . . . you know, stolen or put away in the cooking section or something by a customer. I told him it looked like we were out, and throughout the whole thing he just acted like I didn't know what I was doing because getting the book was this big ordeal or something. Actually, dude, the only part that was an ordeal was figuring out which one you wanted.

And then there was the lady with her child who had a developmental disorder. He could speak pretty well sometimes (I heard him repeating certain words over and over again). Anyway, the problem was that this kid was all over the place. Running around in Kids' pulling things off the shelves and throwing them in the aisles. He REALLY liked Nickelodeon and he completely screwed that section up not once but twice. After the first time, I was cleaning up the crap he did when I heard his mother call from somewhere else--WHY WAS SHE SOMEWHERE ELSE??--and ask him what he was doing. He repeated some sounds about musical instruments--the subject of the book he was looking at--and then I heard it:

RRRRIIIIIIIIIIP. . . .

I closed my eyes. Please don't let that be a book ripping, I thought.

Futile, these prayers. . . .

His mother came over, saw the book he'd ripped the paper cover off of, and calmly said, "No, sir!" and took it away from him. And apparently that was it. I don't know if it's because she thinks disabled kids can't be taught to behave or are beyond understanding punishment, but I thought it was ridiculous that she just went on from there--immediately!--to try to get him to decide which of these other books he wanted to get.

After the book-ripping incident, he wrecked Nickelodeon for the second time and I came upon it at about the same time that his mother saw it, with him sitting in the middle of the carnage, a Miss Spider book on the ground and its dust jacket clear on the other side of the aisle. "What did I tell you about book covers?" she said, but obviously she didn't expect an answer. She picked up the stuff he'd thrown around, but didn't really straighten up anything he'd fucked up in the aisle, which was pretty much everything.

Up at the register, I got called to babysit, and as luck would have it I also got to ring up the lady and her kid. During the time she was standing in line, she kept letting the kid wander away from her while yelling, "Don't wander away!" He paid absolutely no attention and she tried to make it look like she was watching him by sort of stepping one step out of line and peering down whatever aisle he'd gone down and then stepping back announcing "okay" to everyone around her so she could make sure they knew she was being a good mom by "watching" him. I got to ring up the book he'd ripped--she was holding both its covers, but apparently the contents of the book were clutched in the kid's fist--so at least she paid for it, but what I wondered is how a kid who rips books can be allowed to wander down the aisle by himself right afterwards.

I'm not trying to be mean. But if the kid doesn't respond to the usual behavior training, there are certain places where he needs to be more strictly monitored. You can't TRUST a kid to follow your instructions if he DOESN'T EVEN LISTEN TO YOU. He probably doesn't even hear you.

On the way out of the store he was screaming unhappily. I wonder if he was just upset he didn't get to tear more books up?

Some lady called with a book's title and author. I found a book with that title but it had a different author. Then I looked up the author, and the author was in our system but had no books by that name. What's funny is that the book with the right title and the wrong author sounded like exactly what she wanted, but she refused to believe it might be the right book because the author wasn't right. I have no proof of this, but I'd be willing to bet she just had her information confused. It was just funny how I read her the description of the right-title-with-wrong-author book and she was all "THAT'S IT!" until I reminded her that it wasn't the right person. She said she'd check elsewhere. Good luck, lady!

A woman with a kid in tow asked for help with a Christian book. I helped her but we were out of the book. We saw on the shelf that a similar book--actually the workbook to the "real" book--was on the shelf, but not the book itself. I picked it up for her anyway and showed her how it was the workbook, not the book, and she didn't want that so I put it back for her. As I was offering her the other options (order it, call the other store, check around), her kid pulled the same book off the shelf and yelled, "MOMMY, it's RIGHT HERE!" Just the perfect tone of "God, are you both OBLIVIOUS?" Hahaha. No, kid, that's not the right one . . . but, good reading, there, bud.


6/18/06

Father's Day did not bring in too many Assholes. But there were two things I wanted to mention, Asshole-wise. First of all, for about 20 minutes my intranet got fucked up and so while I was on the phone trying to look up a book for some old lady, it stalled out and wouldn't connect. This lady had two books to ask about, and I explained to her that I wasn't going to be able to find the information at the moment because the computer wouldn't connect to the server. She asked me if that meant the book wasn't available. NO, it means I can't find any information.

Then she asked me if she could just go ahead and ask me about the other title then.

THE COMPUTER IS BROKE.

I ended up having to call her back after the computers came back up. It frustrated me to find out she was trying to order these books that weren't in the system because they were annoying TV-offer books that you can't get unless you order with a credit card and she doesn't do that. Wahh.

Oh man. Then there was this dude. Grandma and Grandpa had apparently brought their grandson, aged about seven, to the bookstore to play. The grandson was playing a game with the Thomas the Tank train set we have on display, and he decided he wanted to tell his grandpa a story about what he was playing.

Except Grandpa REFUSED TO LISTEN.

I swear. The poor kid couldn't squeeze out a sentence without Grandpa interjecting some question that had nothing to do with the story and was obviously aimed at trying to be educational. First the kid tried to explain something that involved the coal-hauling cars and Grandpa interrupted with a long series of questions for the kid about how engines work and the history of locomotives. The kid actually sounded really mature for his age and finally informed his grandfather that he didn't know that much about trains, but could he please get back to telling his story? Heh.

Then in the middle again Granddad's cell phone rang and he talked to someone about stocks, and then the kid kept trying to start his story again with "So ANYWAY" and the grandpa kept either interrupting him with more silly questions or asking his wife if she thought they should sell the stock or whatever. Then the kid asked if he could please just tell his story and Grandpa said, "Well, is it INTERESTING??" Like your lectures, then? The kid then appealed to Grandma and asked if she could MAKE Granddad listen to the story. Heh. I stopped being able to eavesdrop on the conversation when the kid got to the part about how this train had to go to the hospital and Grandpa wouldn't stop asking what kind of sick the train was. "He ran into a bush," the kid explained, and Grandpa asked, "Did he have diarrhea?" Why couldn't he just shut up and let the kid talk?

Oh yeah, and one thing is cosmic justice for the day. Back when I first started at the store six years ago, there was a book we carry in the Thomas the Tank section. When you push the book's nose, it has a horrible theme song that blares out of it. Unfortunately, the slightly raised nose was always getting pushed by other books whenever I shoved them around. So I have spent the last six years groaning when I accidentally set it off, or--worse yet--when it is acquired by a child who won't stop pushing it.

Six years this book has plagued me. And today, I pushed books against it by accident and it went off . . . and it was making that sluggish sound that showed its battery was on its last legs! FINALLY! I COULD DAMAGE THE DANG THING OUT! I'm so happy I finally got rid of it. . . . Maybe it just didn't want to sing anymore now that I'm leaving. . . .


6/17/06

A lady came in and asked me if I had a printout of our special events calendar. Fact is, we just don't HAVE many events. The ones we do have are cyclical, like that Yu-Gi-Oh! dueling clubs come in and play every Saturday at 2. I think it just looks like we have more events than we do because each storytime is made out like it's an event, but really it's just we're supposed to read an excerpt from that book, and we don't do them because nobody shows up anyway. So really, there aren't any events going on.

But this lady was adamant. She wanted me to print out a list of our special events. I gave it a half-hearted shot on the computer, but I had no document to give her. They've never made one. NO ONE'S EVER ASKED THAT QUESTION BEFORE.

So then the woman started whining about how we SHOULD have such a thing and we MUST have it somewhere to print out, not just on our events sign which is giant and made of cardboard. No, actually, they really don't make a document for us to print out. So I offered to write down our supposed times for storytimes and whatnot, and as I was writing it down for her she continued to complain about how you'd think we'd be able to do that for her and it would be a good idea to GET such a document to be made printable. I told her that I supposed they never saw the need for it because it isn't something we're asked often. I told her I'd worked at the store six years and not once did I get asked that question. She was unconvinced, but thanked me for scribbling down the information. . . .

Just a quick funny: A woman at Customer Service walked up and told me the NAME of the associate who helped her and the TITLE of the book she'd put on hold, but not HER NAME, which she gave when she put the book on hold. Way to give me everything I don't need.

Another C/S silly: A woman whose book was on hold at the desk referred to her book as being "on layaway." Layaway? Hah. As if.

And one of my managers greeted a customer by saying, "What can I help you with?" She replied, "Yes!" Well, if that's a book title, we're in business. . . .

Two people asked me for Ann Coulter's new book, Godless, today. The first one told me he wanted it for a gag gift. He was very quick to tell me so, so I joked around with him and found out his friend who's a super-liberal is getting it as a gift for his birthday. Hah. I found it funny that he was that concerned about being mistaken for a Coulter fan that he had to tell the bookstore lady that it wasn't for him and it wasn't because he liked it. And I told him about how Ann Coulter has on her website a mention that in order to get to her book her fans would have to fight uncooperative and surly bookstore clerks and probably have to go to a dark corner of "hate speech" books while books by liberals were proudly and prominently featured. Well, we didn't have any copies left (the last two were sold yesterday), but until they were gone they were on a front feature in our store as you come in the door, and you can't miss her snotty smile and prominent crucifix necklace.

So then later that day I had a couple come in who looked like mother and daughter and they wanted Ann Coulter's book. From the look of them they wanted it because they agree with her crap, and I was like, "Oh boy here we go," because I knew by now we were out. And my experience with such people tells me that if I tell them we're out--especially without having to check--they will think they've found an obvious example of an unhelpful bookstore clerk. Well, I won't lie, I wish no one would buy Ann Coulter's books because she just says ignorant things and gets paid for it because they're so outrageous, but I'd never have any intention of keeping a willing customer from whatever hateful and gross book they want to buy. They're welcome to throw their money at whoever they want, whether it's Rush Limbaugh or Michael Moore. I don't give a shit. Luckily, this mommy and daughter did not give me any crap as if they suspected me of withholding the book from them, but perhaps it's because I did go ask a manager if he'd heard if we had any others and then encouraged them to call the next day after our truck had been unpacked and have one reserved. I bet when I walked away they talked conspiracy though. I'll never know.

Okay. First this girl with a sort of foreign way of talking came up to the desk and walked PAST two customer service people facing one way to arrive at the back side of the desk and wait for service. Brilliant. I walked over to the side she'd chosen and asked if she needed help, and she said she wanted books on an odd subject: She wanted to be an entrepreneur, and she wanted it to be something about taking care of other people's animals. She had a list of titles. I looked them up, and out of four of them we carried two. One was a start-up business book, and one was a dog book. I asked which she wanted to see first and she said, "The business book. Since I am here." Um, what does being here have to do with whether you want to see business or pets? Anyway, I took her to both and we had them, and then she goes, "Can you help me find more books? Because I need more information." And she wanted them to specifically be books on starting her exact kind of business. General business books didn't cut it, and random stuff on dogs didn't cut it. She asked to be taken back to Business . . . where we'd already BEEN once . . . so in order to emphasize that we'd kind of already BEEN to Business I took her over there, put my hand on the shelf at the exact place where small business books start, and told her she should browse the section starting right here. Guess what her next question was? You got it. "Where?" WHERE MY HAND IS.

So then she wanted a "how to start your own home-based dog-sitting business" MAGAZINE. Lady, I really don't think they make that. I showed her business magazines and they had a lot on entrepreneur stuff, but she didn't want to look at any unless they had instructions about dog-sitting businesses in them. And then she wanted to see the dog magazines, and AGAIN there in that section she wanted me to find her a magazine that was geared toward starting a business about them! I had to explain to her good and specifically that I did not know any more about her subject than she did and that I had no personal knowledge about this, so I did not have any recommendations. Keep in mind also she's one of those people who never picked anything up to look at it or leaf or anything; she wanted me doing the work, putting things in her hand and explaining everything to her. Sorry, but that sort of attitude--any sort of attitude besides "go-getter," actually--is going to make you a miserable failure at running your own business.

I got chewed out pretty good on the phone today. First off, this lady called and she was terribly unclear about what she wanted. First she said that she was calling about a magazine we'd ordered for her. First "ping" that "something is wrong"--we very rarely can order specific magazines, but it happens. I asked her if it was something she'd ordered during the week and was expecting to come in with our shipment today. She said no. So I asked what she DID want.

Her speech from there sounded like she didn't "order" a magazine but thought WE had "ordered" it and wanted me to check the shelf. Okaaay . . . but then THAT WASN'T IT EITHER! The real story was that in the past two years she's ordered some special edition magazine and had it sent to someone she knows in prison. And now she wants to do it again.

Problem was, I couldn't find it in the system. I was thinking that since we don't really order magazines that much she might be confused or thinking of another store, so I got from her a confirmation that she WAS saying she'd ordered those things with us before and then I looked for her order on the computer.

I found two previous orders, indeed for magazines. But when I tried the same titles in the system and changed the year to this year, nothing came up.

I explained to her that nothing was coming up and she responded by rambling a bunch about how WELL I DID IT LAST YEAR and I FOUND IT ON YOUR WEBSITE BUT THE PAGE WOULDN'T LET ME ORDER IT and whatnot. I told her that not all titles in the magazine database are always in the best shape as far as being searchable goes, so I went to the back to check if it was on our shelf.

I explained what I was doing, but then she started going, "Hello? HELLO?" I asked back, "Can you hear me?" and she kept shouting hello, which meant that my phone had died. It keeps doing this and no one believes me, but that's about the sixth call that's happened like that just today, so I was pretty pissed.

Of course then the phone rang again and I answered. And the woman on the other end sounded like the customer I'd been talking to, but didn't continue the conversation; she just pleasantly said she wanted to know if there was a manager there she could talk to.

I said there was, and asked if she had a particular one she wanted to speak with, but then she started snapping at me telling me I had HUNG UP ON HER, I realized it must be the same lady.

I explained that I'd been as puzzled as her about the sudden disconnection, and I'm pretty sure at first she didn't believe me. Apparently she really thought that I would just get tired of helping her and put the phone down. Yeah, that usually solves things, just hang up on customers if you can't help them.

But as I continued to try to help her I think she figured out that it was unlikely I'd be more than willing to pass her off to a manager AND more than willing to continue helping if I'd been so rude as to hang up on her, and by the end of the conversation she actually apologized for that. But by then I had tried a couple different keywords and figured out how to get the magazine to come up and managed to communicate to her well enough to say if she wanted to order it for her pal in prison she was going to have to come to the store with a credit card. After that she was nice. Go fig.


6/14/06

Okay. I dub this jackass "Backwards Lady." First she called expecting us NOT to have her book, and before she even gave me any information she grilled me for very in-depth details about our ordering system--how long it takes to get the book to the store, if it's extra for shipping, blah blah blah. And then I asked for the title and she said, "Okay, the title is . . . the author's name is so and so," and she began spelling it, but then rambled on about how she wasn't absolutely sure that was even the right spelling. Argh. I didn't ask for author and I know you heard me because you were about to give me the title before you decided to go with your own half-baked ideas. THEN it turned out we DID carry it and she kept interrupting my usual "Yes we carry it, let me check my shelf to see if it's there and I can hold you a copy if we have one" to keep asking me questions in a halting manner that would have been answered in that one sentence. "Okay, so you have it? Oh, you have to check, well I'll hold, could you please go do that now for me? Oh, and how much is it? Okay, if you have it I do want you to hold a copy, but how long will you hold it? Okay, would you please go check for me now, I'll hold." And meanwhile I've got the damn cordless phone and I've been walking to the section and getting her book and walking back all the time she's been yammering. I should have put her on hold and made her wait for me just because she was annoying. And what's most annoying is after I found what she was looking for she confirmed that it really was the title--and she repeatedly spelled that too--three times. I really am not having trouble hearing or understanding you, lady. I know you don't want to come out to the store only to find it's the wrong book, but I do know how to do my job. . . .

And amusingly enough I had a woman trying to choose between several books on a certain subject, and she got hoity-toity and told me this about the man she was buying it for: "Well he's an INTELLECT. Meaning he only likes to read books that are INTELLIGENTLY WRITTEN." ::snicker:: Yes, I know what "intellect" means. And I also know that if you want to use a form of it to describe a person, you generally call them "an intellectual," not "an intellect."


6/13/06

Yes, it seems to have skipped from a Sunday to a Tuesday now . . . could it be that it was MONDAY and there were NO ASSHOLES? Welllll . . . I'm not so sure about that, I'm sure they were somewhere being jerks, but everyone lost their shit when Florida got an early hurricane (translation: the state got a little wet, and we're damn used to that), so maybe that's why we weren't particularly busy. . . .

Anyway, now on to today's Assholes rather than yesterday's lack of them.

Encountered an incredibly rude man who just walked up to me holding a magazine and said, "WHERE DO YOU PAY AT??" And he said it like it was a huge mystery that he must have been trying to solve for half an hour, walking up and down aisles trying to find a register, peeking in unmarked doors and walking around the outside of the building. See that big red sign that says "CHECKOUT"? That's where you "pay at." And when I showed him, he just walked away without saying anything else. Y'all have a nice day now!

An annoying man was grilling me about books that help you study for dental school exams or something. I helped him as best I could but he didn't have much information, and after I told him we carried one version, he instructed me in a clipped fashion that I was to go back to the computer and find out if a newer version of it was in existence because THIS was TWO YEARS OLD. Did he think that perhaps they might have not changed the dental test in two years? I think teeth are still about the same as they were even a decade ago, can you imagine? But anyway, after I agreed to do his bidding, he continued to stand in the aisle and do whatever, and while I was searching on the computer I saw him walk past me without stopping at the desk and just walk over into a resting area and sit down. Where he chose to sit wasn't particularly in sight, either, so if I hadn't happened to look up when he walked by I wouldn't have had any idea where he'd gone. I guess he just figures it's my job to go find him again wherever he decides to roam.

So after going through no small number of versions and companies for this test, I finally found one that went by a different title but seemed to be for the same test by the same company and was released this year, which is what he wanted. I went to tell him the good news, but also the bad news that we don't carry it.

He treated me to the most stuck-up, nasty attitude in response, making it obvious that he found it absurd that we'd have the 2004 edition of it but not be carrying the 2006. As if getting me to understand how ridiculous it is to only carry the older version will change the fact that we only carry the older version. Hey guy, did you ever think that maybe you don't know the whole story? Maybe the company hasn't gone through all the steps yet to set up its distribution. Maybe we're not planning on carrying it because YOU'RE THE FIRST PERSON IN SIX YEARS WHO'S ASKED ME FOR BOOKS ON THIS TEST and we're planning on getting rid of the old one next time we void our shelves too. Maybe the world doesn't automatically suit your whims. Or maybe YOU COULD JUST ORDER IT FOR YOURSELF since that would be the easiest option. But no, he was just too caught up in the ABSURDITY of our failure to carry the most current version and not have any foreseeable plans to start carrying it that he subjected me to his attitude and left shaking his head.

I can tell you one thing: Even if he hasn't made it into dental school yet, he sure has the arrogance of a typical doctor down pat.

A woman came in and claimed that she'd ordered a book for her daughter and "It's been almost two weeks, it should be HERE by now." I checked her name and there was no book, she confirmed that we hadn't called her, and so I looked her order up on the computer. The date she ordered it? If you COUNT today, it was seven days exactly. And it was ordered on Wednesday, which means it was after Tuesday, which means it was after our cut-off date of getting it by the same weekend, which means no one TOLD her to expect it sooner than this coming weekend, the 17th or so. To her credit she apologized because she thought sure it had been longer than that. But seriously. We said we'd call you and we will.

A mother and daughter were typically clueless about their own school reading program, and started whining when we weren't immediately able to find their school's reading list in our binder of kidnapped school reading lists. (We usually fax the schools' media specialists and ask them for copies so we can better provide for them, and when we encounter a parent or student with a school reading list from a school that didn't respond to our request, we steal their lists and make copies so we can help everyone as best we can.) It turned out that we DID have the school's list in the binder and they were just missing it, but they were being so whiny and impatient about it that my coworker said a memorable line: "I know that this sounds bad, but it's not our job to get those lists." It's also not our job to know what you want to read, and it's not our job to watch Oprah so you'll know what she says you want to read. It's just our job to get it for you, and everything else we do, you'll take what you get.

Okay, now this one might be because of my ignorance or something--maybe more people know about this than I think--but a guy came up to my desk and asked me for books on tournaments. I asked him what kind of tournaments, and he said, "Well, like, any kind." I couldn't really think of anything but sports and chess, so I tried to get more information out of him and he said, "Well, for, like, running." Running tournaments? Like marathons or something? He said, "Well, like, you know, with brackets?" I'm thinking, is that a kind of hurdle? A type of race? A species of track line?

I told him up front that that was jargon to me and I don't know anything about tournaments. So he said to just take him where there are books about running tournaments and I said there's a running section and started to take him there.

At that point my coworker stopped me and told me he wasn't talking about running like the sport. After she asked a couple questions, he pulled out a sheet of notebook paper and started showing her this complicated diagram that turned out to be his figurings on how to run some kind of gaming tournament. Ohhh. And he was looking for books on, like, game theory, and what sort of formulae you might use to avoid situations like making two people play each other twice.

I've heard of game theory, though I also don't know much about THAT. Perhaps with a little context I wouldn't have thought he wanted training manuals on making his competitive running better.

I have to say, though, that he probably thought I was a ditz because I've never studied or been into what he's into, and then the bookstore worker who's NOT a tiny little blonde ditz DID know what he's talking about. So now he probably thinks he was speaking plain English when he expected me to know that "books on tournaments" modified by "well, running" meant books on the strategy of running these tournaments. Gahhh.


6/11/06

A woman stopped me and asked me when such and such a book was coming out in paperback. She said it should be about time now. I looked it up and it was released in hardcover last month. I told her that and she still didn't see the problem with this . . . I swear, if people know it takes longer for a paperback to come out, why don't they know the rest of it--that it's usually like a YEAR? That reminds me of another time when a woman asked me if the most recent Harry Potter book was out in paperback yet. I told her it wasn't even on the horizon yet and she said, "Well they usually take about two years after the hardback, and it's been at least that." Release date for last HP: Last year. Summer. Not EVEN one year yet. Lady, I know time flies when you're having fun, so have you been at the circus this entire year? Maybe she was hanging out with the clowns. . . .

And we had some annoying returns to talk about. One was a kid with used books, about seven of them, and he had bought them "throughout the semester at different times" and claimed he had done so at our bookstore and didn't have receipts. They were all obviously used. We only ever carried three of them, and my manager agreed to take two back for store credit because one of the three we did carry had a big sticky patch on the back--probably from SOME OTHER STORE'S PRICE STICKER. (Ours aren't that size and don't leave gum.)

The other annoying return was a woman who was returning a bunch of craft books, like over 80 bucks' worth, and when our manager asked whether she wanted to do an exchange instead, the woman said she did not need any more books because "I've already gotten all the information I needed out of these ones." Hey asshole. This isn't a library. Bookstores aren't libraries where you pay a refundable deposit for use of the books. Oh wait. Yes they are. ::Grr. . . .::

A customer came up and asked one of my coworkers, "Do you have the Miami Herald?" My coworker said we didn't, which got this odd reply from the customer: "YOU DON'T HAVE PAPERS??" Why does it follow from "We don't have that random faraway city's newspaper" that we don't have any papers at all?

And in other news, some jackass dropped his clip-on sunglasses into the crack between the café bake case and the register counter. It's a thin little crack but wide enough to lose spare change and pens in . . . and, I guess, clip-on sunglasses.

The problem was, after he did that he acted like it was our fault and OUR PROBLEM. First he was pissed because there isn't a way to move the cemented-down counter or bake case, you know. And then he started complaining that they cost 25 bucks and he wasn't leaving without them and we better do something. I was actually on lunch break throughout this, but various people coming into the back room looking for objects that were skinny and long enough to poke into the hole and slide the glasses out alerted me to the problem. I think they might have finally gotten them out with a skinny piece of cardboard.

Word to the wise: If you're careless enough to drop your possessions into cracks, don't blame the owners of the crack. They will just talk about how annoying you are behind your back and post stories about you on their websites. If something like that happens, very few employees would just shrug and say "oh well"--they will probably be willing to help you, so demanding that they deal with your problem is unnecessary. Be ready to sort it out yourself, and apologetically ask for objects with which to dig it out.


6/10/06

Okay, yeah, it skips a week because I was out of town. I'm sure there were plenty of Assholes in the store from 6/5/06 to 6/9/06.

They are not an endangered species.

I wonder if that makes it okay to kill them? If so, when is Assholes hunting season??

Today I put in my two weeks' notice. Want details?

Anyway, on to the Assholes.

A lady at the checkout was asked by my coworker if she wanted to get a discount card. She was new to the store and was considering it, but then she apparently got offended because some of the impulse buys surrounding the register are religious in nature.

I'll be the first to admit that our company claims not to have any religious agenda but certainly has more than its fair share of Christian trinkets for a supposedly unaffiliated corporate conglomerate.

That said, this was just petty.

The woman told our cashier that something was "not right" and that she would not be buying a discount card because something was "going on" with this company and she was going to investigate.

Probably what you'll find is that we have no official agenda whatsoever--check out our New Age section, our erotica section that offended some fuckface on 6/4, our sexuality section, our selection of filthy joke books, and our "alternative lifestyles" section which includes The Joy of Gay Sex if you want proof--but that we also have corporate buyers who are happily snuggled in the Bible belt in Corporate Land, Alabama. They indeed think that "HIStory" Jesus bracelet, that faith coin, those Bible verse poker chips, and those singing magnetic "Lord's Prayer" lambs were a "cute," "sweet," and lucrative idea. They buy things that they and their children would like, not what actually sells. Then we end up with too many of them and they mandate that we crowd the register with them to increase the chances of someone actually buying one.

Well I've got a lot of Assholes to get through so I'd better move on even though I've got a LOT to say about that one.

Two women were standing at the customer service desk and one of my coworkers was using the computer in front of them. The women were standing on the same side of the desk and pretty close together, so I figured they might be shopping together, but just in case I smiled at the one who wasn't talking to my coworker and made eye contact, but didn't interrupt. The woman didn't speak to me, just sort of nodded back, and I figured, yeah, guess that solves that--she's shopping with the other lady or she'd have asked for help.

This is the part where seasoned readers of my Assholes chime in with the right answer: "WRONG! She does need help and she's just too much of a jackass to speak to you without being invited!"

That's correct, my young Padawan.

As I started to drift to the other side of the desk and back to my work, the second woman suddenly became borderline hostile and chased me down, demanding my help because she's been WAITING. Holy shit. I made myself available and you didn't speak at all, and then suddenly I'm ignoring you because you acted like you didn't need a damn thing? You're a big girl. Just open your mouth. And do it politely or I'll punch you in it.

Okay, first of all this next girl was an ass because she was calling retail bookstores about getting her college textbooks, but I'm used to that horseshit. But what was worse was that EVERY TITLE SHE GAVE ME came up in the computer with one word in the title being different from what she'd read to me. And despite the fact that in all three cases my records of the author matched her author, she called into doubt whether they were the same book. Every time. After the third one came up in the system as a book we couldn't even order, she accepted an explanation that her information was slightly off and that retail bookstores usually don't have distribution contracts with college textbook publishing companies.

I came to Customer Service to see a girl standing there looking like her spaceship had recently dropped her off. One of my coworkers seemed to have recently left the desk and it was probably while she was standing there, so I asked her if she had already been helped, and she goes, "I don't know." So I tried to make that a little clearer and told her I wanted to know if she had already asked someone for help. She said she HAD . . . but that she wasn't sure if the person was over there looking for her book or whether the person had just walked away.

Well, that's why it's usually a good idea to listen to the person you're asking questions from, but whatever, I don't know what happened, I wasn't there. So I asked her what she was looking for, and she was vague about it but thought she might have part of the title. Typed it into the computer and saw through the magic of Auto Complete that someone had recently typed that phrase in. What came up on the screen was a bunch of junk, though--none of the titles was what she wanted. She didn't know anything else about the book except this unhelpful phrase, so I told her she needed more information before we could assist her any further. She gave me a stunned "oh-shit-I'm-about-to-drool-on-myself" look and stood there for a moment, then just turned around and walked away. You're welcome.

And then that other associate asked me if I had been able to find whatever that girl was looking for. I told her she hadn't had enough information, and my coworker told me she hadn't been able to find anything either but the girl didn't seem to understand that at that point there was nothing else she could do, and then she got called to the register so she had to go. Leaving the girl standing there thinking she was still being helped after she had been told she didn't have enough information to be helped. What's sad is if I know her type, she just went to another bookstore and gave them the same partial information instead of, ya know, doing some research or re-checking her source.

My coworker was walking by the "New In Paperback!" table when he was stopped by a woman who was obviously confused. First she told him that she was looking for a NEW book about World War II, and she didn't find it "here," pointing to the paperback table. Yeah that makes sense. So then she said she didn't know who wrote it or what it was called but it was "kinda big." We have a winner, folks. Yes, my coworker just took her to the World War II section and left her there to browse for her kinda big book.


6/4/06

Some guy came up to my manager and began his interaction by announcing, "I'm not a prude, BUT . . . " which of course means he's about to show what a prude he is.

And the complaint involved him explaining that the Erotica section in Fiction disturbed him and that we shouldn't have that where CHILDREN can see, and we should move it to the BACK of the store (where, obviously, no children must ever go). Furthermore, he is not shopping at our store anymore because of our corruptness--he proved his seriousness to my manager by yanking a book out of his wife's hand and tossing it aside, much to her surprise--and after explaining that he and his wife are INFLUENTIAL IN THIS COMMUNITY and will be passing the message around, they took off.

Look, douche nozzle. If your kid is young enough that they should not be aware of or glancing at the Erotica section in Fiction--a.k.a. our dirty stories section, not the actual instructional sex books back in Personal Growth/Sexuality--then you should probably be with them at all times. And if that is the case you are there to guide your child away from such filth and prevent the sighting thereof. Believe me, there are no sexual books in the kids' section, and that's the only section of the store that in any way guarantees by its very existence that it is age-appropriate for youngsters. Everything else counts as being in frickin' public.

And the public is DIRTY. Get used to it or stay in Christian Living where you belong.

The page for one of my coworkers to come to Customer Service blasted out of the loudspeaker as I was standing at the desk talking to a customer on the phone. I hadn't been called to help, I just happened to be there, but I was the only one at the desk when the customer for whom the page had been made arrived.

A split second afterwards, my coworker whose name had just been announced arrived too. Because he at first saw me from the back and didn't realize I was on the phone, not helping the in-store customer, he hesitated and didn't realize that the customer in front of us needed help, but my coworker quickly picked up the ball and asked, "Can I help you?"

"Is this Customer Service?" the customer asked. Weird.

My coworker made a confused face and said yes.

"Well CAN I HAVE SERVICE??" the man asked.

"CAN I HELP YOU?" my coworker repeated.

I guess he just wanted to rub it in that when he'd arrived at the desk the only in-sight associate was NOT HELPING HIM. I'm on the phone you buttsmear!

A lady was looking for Thomas Kinkade books. If you don't know who he is, he's known as "Painter of Light" and he does these inspirational paintings. Thing is, his art is in a lot of different kinds of books, so I asked if she wanted an art book or an inspirational book featuring his art or a biography of him or a technique book of him or what. She refused to be very specific about that--she seemed to think my question was inconsequential--so I explained that her answer was what determined where in the store I took her since Kinkade's books are not all together due to them having different purposes. She seemed surprised and then determined that--you guessed it--she wanted to see ALL of them!

And then the most annoying thing was as soon as we entered each of the four sections and I announced that "this" was where we'd find his books, she'd answer within the same second that there were none there!

Ya know, just walk in, "here's where we should start look--" "WELL THERE AREN'T ANY HERE!"

She even did that in one section where after about thirty seconds I found her half a dozen titles. What is wrong with people? Do they WANT to fail at shopping?

A man was wondering if his book order had come in yet, and there was nothing under his name, so after checking the appropriate places it came time to dig him up in the computer and see if a) he really did order it to our store and b) whether he really did order it weeks ago like he claimed or whether it was more like six days ago like usual.

He told me that we might have called him and not gotten through because he'd given us a phone number that he couldn't check remotely or something. So when I asked him for his phone number to look him up, he responded, "Well should I give you the phone number I ordered with? Or my real number?"

Dude, how am I going to find you with your "real number" if you know you DIDN'T GIVE IT TO US? Jeez . . . perhaps after typing in the number he didn't give us, I'll be able to pull up the books he didn't order.


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