Open Diary Entries

I used to hit myself in the head a lot.


Short entry.

I was just thinking about how I used to hit myself in the head all the time.

I used to get frustrated with myself--over, say, an inability to do or understand something--and grab something hard and hit myself, or maybe smack myself across the face. My rationale, when asked why I didn't just hit a pillow or something, was that it wasn't the pillow's fault I was stupid. I was kind of at that age where you think your stuffed animals and dolls have feelings even though you kind of "know" they're not alive. My problem was, that extended to pillows. So, to be safe, I hit myself, and as an added bonus it was a punishment for whatever I did that displeased me.

I did it a lot, usually when I was by myself so mostly people didn't know I did that. One day I got a hold of a patriotic songs book and was determined to memorize every verse of every song. When I couldn't remember what came next after what I thought was a reasonable amount of rehearsal time, well, I hit myself.

To this day I can sing four verses of "America the Beautiful" and both verses of "The Star-Spangled Banner."

Can't sing those songs without remembering that day walking around the backyard with a book in an endless circle, smacking myself in the head when my memory didn't live up to my expectations. Yes, patriotic music invariably reminds me of self-initiated bludgeoning. Yay.

When I was older I played ping-pong with my dad in the garage, and I'd get frustrated at my missing of points I should have gotten, and I would smack myself with the paddle.

My dad was a bit disturbed by this and did not like that I hit myself in the head with the ping-pong paddle. It didn't hurt very much but it made a satisfying loud noise.

I wonder if that's why I started beating him all the time. Maybe he lost on purpose so I wouldn't give myself major head trauma.

I haven't done that in a long time. Good thing I stopped before I went to college. During that time my memory lapsed on about a billion bits of knowledge I wanted it to retain.

Okay, now I sound weird. Fabulous glimpse into my glamorous past. I hope you had fun listening to my brain ramble about stupid things.


You always were a strange child :)

hey, at least you werent cutting yourself, thats a plus!! [)Wunderlust(]

I'm still trying to figure out how you beat me three times in a row at ping-pong. [Freder]

Thou art strange, but I love that about you. I love you sooooooooooooooooooooooooo much. [Meggie]

I admit it; I was pillow beater. One of my bro's friends (mine too, we're friends with the whole family) hits himself when he gets mad, said or frustrated. I do get the feeling he does it for attention, especially when he asks me if "He's doomed for life..." Uh. No. [katqueen]

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