Open Diary Entries

Morningstar Farms Poster Girl


Everyone who opens my freezer laughs.

"Jeez, you could be in a Morningstar ad," joked one friend. The whole icebox is lined with matching green boxes containing various vegetarian products. Though the sausage patties and sausage links belong to Jeaux, the rest are mine. Fake bacon. Fake hamburgers. Fake chicken nuggets. Fake hot dogs and corn dogs.

Okay, so I'm addicted to soy. But hey! SOY, SOY, SOY! Soy makes you strong! Strength crushes enemies! SOY!

I want to crush my enemies.

On 2/25, this bitch came into my store. I was up at the register doing a return for a cashier, and as I was walking away the lady walked up to me and told me she wanted to show me something, and rolled up her pant leg. She had a wimpy little scrape on her knee, and informed me that she had acquired it from our dangerous sharp corner.

I looked at the corner, noted (out loud) that there was a corner on both sides of that display, and thought about how in three years of working here, I've never heard of anyone getting severe injuries from a corner. But she asked me what I was going to do about it. At this point I wondered if she was serious.

Mini-rant here.

If a little kid walked into a corner and whined or cried about hurting himself, what would an adult probably say? Anything from "oh, be quiet" to "well, pain is nature's way of teaching you not to WALK INTO SHIT." But once you're talking about an adult . . . suddenly IT'S THE CORNER'S FAULT. The corner shouldn't be there. Never mind that if it was a completely smooth counter display, she still would have hurt herself by, oh, walking into something that takes up space.

So, back to the interaction. Thinking this was fucking ridiculous, I messed with her, and said in a kind of babyish voice, "Well, I've got a sparkly band-aid in the back, would you like one?" Heh. She told me no, so I said, "So, you gonna be okay?" This was supposed to make her realize that bumping your poor little knee on a corner shouldn't be a big shit. But no. Her response to "Are you gonna be okay?" was "I'm not sure," as she leaned against something and tried to act like she was having trouble standing. She rolled up her pants again so I could see this colossal damage, and told me she thought she was going to have a "knot." I told her the offer was still open for a sparkly band-aid.

At this point she must have realized she was talking to the wrong person, maybe because I wasn't offering to kiss it and make it better, or freaking out and begging her not to sue us, or immediately putting padding on any corner that might jump out and hurt her. She asked me if I was a manager. I said no. I think she must've thought I was since I handled the return, or whatever. Well, she said, "Then could you GET the manager?"

I didn't bother to disguise my disgust, and kind of said sarcastically, "You want me to get the manager, ALL right," and went off to do just that. I was pleased about the fact that Neil was not on the register right then and that Pat was the manager, because if Neil was there he probably would have been falling all over himself trying to kiss her ass, and Pat is about like I am when customers are out of line: She doesn't take that shit from people.

So I found Pat and told her some poor lady got a boo-boo from our big bad sharp corner and wants to know what we're going to do about it. She was like, "Oh, Christ," and went up there to take care of it. I went and hid in one of the aisles, anticipating finding out what she was going to do. Well, soon enough Pat came walking back my way, and I followed her to go be nosy.

I opened by asking Pat if she had had to call the WAAAAmbulance. She thought that was funny. She said that she had to fill out an accident report since the lady's knee was "marked," and as she started to do so she began cursing about the stupid lady, calling her a "slip and fall artist" and saying that she just wants money out of the company. I don't know what else happened beyond that.

I thought about it a lot, though. For some reason it just REALLY ticked me off. Once we had a lady trip over an empty endcap display and then she started bitching that we should have put books on it so it could be seen. IT'S A GIANT BLACK HUNK OF INDUSTRIAL MATERIAL SITTING ON A BLUE CARPET. It is not hard to see, you walked into it and probably would have done so if it was full of books too. Next is there going to be a customer who complains that the books' corners are too sharp and should be padded? Will we be filling out accident reports from people who get papercuts? Oh yeah, I forgot. We live in a country where someone can sue McDonald's because they got fat or spilled hot coffee on themselves, and blame the fast food restaurant because the wrapper didn't say "this is not good for you" and the cup didn't say "OBVIOUS alert: This shit is HOT, do NOT attempt to use this beverage to wash crotch." It's always someone else's fault. No one wants to take personal responsibility for their own CARELESSNESS. If it was me who cracked my knee on a corner, I wouldn't be rolling my pant leg up to show everyone that the corner caused me a problem. I'd acknowledge I made a mistake, accept the sparkly band-aid, and EAT IT. Thank you.

"My counselor said I was an exhibitionist, so I mooned her." --paraphrased from Survivor by Chuck Palahniuk


That is quite a lame ass story! Well, the story was entertaining, but the lady left much to be desired. I also greatly enjoyed the quote "Soy makes you strong! Strength crushes enemies!" -Ian

This is also why garbage bags and other plastic bags say "do not put over head - suffocation hazard". Because those who can't read the warning are those you are actually trying to warn - what's the point? Ahh, if you read the actual case law on this - there's a real f*cking trip and a half :) [wunderkont]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! evil. [Meggie]

Found on iron label: "Do not iron clothes while on body." Ahh, America.............

The Army puts a warning label on everything. It's funny, because you know (in the back of your mind) that they wouldn't have put it on unless someone had tried it. SGT Sanders, Randy

i *love* people like that. they offer so many stupid stories for people like us to write about.

Only in America... Put up a sign that says, "Caution:" and then "HOT" slashed out, then SHARP EDGES IN STORES. BEWARRE OF PAPER CUTS. HAHA! [katqueen]

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