Name: penis

Comments: your ugly

[Okay, just an instance of "delete and be done with." Except that wasn't the only one.]

Name: B=======>- - - - _ _ _ Comments: penis ***** **** ****
anal sex tight **** sperm *** quad
you r very ugly UGLY

[In case you didn't know, that B, set of equals signs, et cetera, is supposed to be a text picture of a penis shooting you-know-what. That did not mystify me, but I *did* wonder what the "quad" was supposed to be.]

[Now, see all the stars in there? Apparently that's where matt here decided to try to write all the dirty words he learned from playing Mad Libs with his friends. Problem is, the guestbook service I was using automatically censored foul language, which causes every nasty word to show up as a bunch of stars. So, I am "very ugly UGLY," and on top of that I'm a bunch of things I can't read. "Matt" must've gone in and read his entry to giggle over how thrillingly bad he felt seeing his dirty words on someone else's guestbook, only to be horrified by the fact that THEY WEREN'T THERE. So he tried again:]

Name: p u s s y

Comments: p u s s y d i c k c u m q u a d

[After checking of course to make sure that the spaces between the letters allowed his dirty words to get through, he returned some more to taunt me:]

Name: see you dont have the computer skills to block the words when they r typed like that

Comments: e-mail me my screenname is matt71891 your ugly p u s s y tight p u s s y f u c k me hard oh wait dont cause you r ugly

[Okay, so at this point I don't have any computer skills because my automatic swear filter--which I couldn't turn off because it was built into the service--was fooled by spaces. HAHAHAH, ya GOT ME! I'm so *shamed* now because I can't stop you from throwing dirty words into my guestbook, which somehow will reflect on ME, right? (And WHAT exactly is a "cum quad"?) Also, again, I am ugly. I got curious about whether matt71891 was really him, because it's rare that people insult me like this and then try to get me to contact them. I figured he was just trying to get me to message a friend and start a fight, though the AOL profile and website attached to this name were written in similar minimalistic styles. Too bad he didn't realize that the only thing he gets out of this little barrage of ridiculousness is public defamation and an IP blocking.]

["Matt" continued to amuse himself a little longer:]

Name: my name is matt i live on staten island

Comments: if you didnt know staten island is one of the five borrows of new york city anyway when was the last time you had an orgasim

[Well, news for poor matt here: Staten Island is not a "borrow," it is a "borough," and I am well aware of this. And I don't think my orgasm (or "orgasim") history has anything to do with the subject of Staten Island being a borough, though they do indeed share bad spelling in this guestbook entry.]

[He came 'round one more time:]

Name: matt

Comments: i am very gay im me everyone suck my d i c k
i wanna suck your d i c k

[I'm afraid I have no dick for you to suck, matt, though I do appreciate the offer.]

Name: matt

Comments: my e-mail adress is matt71891@aol.com im gay

[Okay then, "matt."]

[This was the end of it for two months. I figured I really didn't have to say anything else, because the idiocy spoke for itself, and I didn't contact "matt" because again I suspected it was someone trying to get me to harass someone else. I just deleted all the messages, banned the IP, and made this little page honoring "matt's" jackass behavior.]

[Then, two months later, I got another one:]

Name: Matt

Comments: Hey Im sorry for what i have wrote.... Not you suck d i c k. HAHAHAHA You cant block me your ugly

[This time I decided to use the provided e-mail address and sent this message to "matt":]

Subject: Guestbook response
From: Ivy
To: Matt

Aww, what a sweet guestbook entry:

Hey Im sorry for what i have wrote.... Not you suck d i c k. HAHAHAHA You cant block me your ugly

Hmm, so two months after the first time you tried to annoy me with your b.s., you advertised that you have no life by coming BACK just to spread your very important message that I suck dick and am ugly.

Well, I hope that you are very pleased with yourself at your awesome achievement. You can fool a mindless cuss-word blocker that's built into my guestbook by putting spaces between dirty words. Aren't you a clever little boy? Just so you know, if it was up to me I wouldn't even have my guestbook censored; it does it automatically and you have to pay to get that censorship off. If it was up to me I would allow dirty words in my guestbook. Interestingly enough I am a grown-up and children saying "dick" does not shock me.

So anyway, whenever you decide to waste time and come BACK to my website over and over again to inform me that I suck dick and am ugly, I'll be glad to keep deleting the messages as soon as you can write them. Have fun with your new quest!

--Ivy

[I shoulda listened to my instinct on that one. Here's the messages I got back:]

Subject: Re: Budgiland Guestbook response
From: Matt
To: Ivy

im sorry but iddidnt do it im tellin tha truth this kid anthony used to be my friend but now hes not and he told me he went into some girls guestbook and sent them something u can put someone elses sn in like for example if u went into my guestbook and rote somethin bad bout me u can put someone elses sn in it i swear u dont have to believe me but im tellin tha truth

Subject: Re: Budgiland Guestbook response
From: Matt
To: Ivy

and believe me i wont do anything like that to u i dont make fun of people i dont no out of tha blue so i am sorry if u thought it was me

[So, of course I believed him:]

Subject: Re: Budgiland Guestbook response
From: Ivy
To: Matt

and believe me i wont do anything like that to u i dont make fun of people i dont no out of tha blue so i am sorry if u thought it was me

Oh, see, the first time he did this back in January, I didn't write back to the address he put in because I figured he was doing that, actually. This time I decided to reply back to the address left just on the off chance that I could talk to him. Hehe--you wouldn't happen to have a REAL address for that jerk, would you? He's an ass.

--Ivy

[Hey Anthony? Get a frickin' life. Jeez.]

[Oh, and you're ugly.]