My Record of Work: The Annoying, the Interesting, and the Just Plain Weird--The Year 2004.

9/22/04

Wow, I thought dealing with these people was over, and yet here came another one! I walked in on the end of a discussion where a guy buying the new book Treachery was whining that we've had Bill Clinton's book My Life on a display up front forever. "That's because we don't have any other place to PUT them," my manager was saying when I came up. Then the guy said, "Yeah? And then that other book that you all refused to stock. . . . " My manager replied, "We don't 'refuse to stock' any book, if you're talking about Unfit For Command we didn't have it because WE COULDN'T GET OUR HANDS ON IT." God, it's so annoying that these people are doing this--I just know they had it in their heads (and still have it in their heads) that we "refused to stock" the book and then when we finally got a bunch of copies they were probably all smug about how we must have been forced to carry it or something. Know what? Shut the hell up.

A lady came in and asked me where our "teacher stuff" was. Heh. I asked if she meant planning guides and whatnot and she's like, "No, just teacher stuff." I explained that "stuff" was a little too vague for me to help her. She understood. Heh heh. ("Stuff" turned out to be like little notepads and knickknacks. Elefino.)

An older couple checked out at my register and they were buying the Dummies series books for both Christianity and Islam. The guy said, "We're gonna read them together and decide which one we like best." The woman almost seemed offended when he said that. She told me stuff like "I'm not with him, I don't even know him" and was all borderline mortified because he was kidding about such a thing. I wonder if they realize that, like, Islam isn't some kind of pretend concept that no one actually believes in--the whole interaction made it obvious that they expected it was a given that they weren't reading about Islam in order to find out if they agreed with its beliefs.

9/21/04

Some lady came up wanting "cassettes." I asked her if she meant books on tape and she said no, so I figured she must mean music and I told her we didn't sell music. "But it's not music," she protested, and then just asked again whether we sold "cassettes." Finally she got around to explaining that she meant like motivational subliminal tapes or something, self-help relaxers and all that other junk. Which I guess I'm supposed to know that's what she means when she says "cassettes." Oh yeah, and when we were looking through some of the cassettes we did have (books), she kept asking me EVERY time (and sometimes twice or three times on the same product) whether a book was a CD or cassette. Considering the boxes are ALWAYS shaped differently AND they always SAY ON THEM whether it's tape or CD, I didn't understand why she thought I needed to babysit her.

Had another one very similar to that. A lady told me she wanted books on "training games." I asked her to tell me what they were training FOR. She's like, "You know, like games, training games, for training?" We went through this a bunch of times because I *could not* for the life of me get her to tell me what kind of training she's expecting to do and could not get her to understand why I was having trouble with a concept that she obviously thought was extremely straightforward. Finally I started throwing out suggestions: "Okay, so are we saying training for SPORTS, training for DOGS, training for CHILDREN ON THE POTTY. . . . " I can only take you somewhere if you tell me what you want to be trained for! Turned out she wanted weird break-the-ice games for people in management or something. I hate when people think they're saying something self-explanatory and they're actually using the meaning of a word that's only popular in that context in a small sliver of the population that has the same profession. ERgHGhh!

9/20/04

Some lady wanted to do a return, so the cashier called me to the front register. I was busy helping a customer, though, so I called him and told him so. He got back on the intercom and called to summon a manager instead. But just as he was doing this, the woman just walked away from him and made her way to Customer Service. She then interrupted my interaction with a customer to ask whether returns are done at the register or at this desk. I sent her back to the register, where the manager was now waiting. I found out later from the cashier that she had come up in line, tried to butt in just like she did at my desk, and when he had to call someone to do the return for him she snotted back, "It's JUST a return!" like he didn't understand that. He physically can't do returns because his numbers don't work, you need someone with manager powers to do that. And then when she got back to the register she held up her arms like in this "well who's gonna take care of me and why isn't it happening right now?" gesture. Lady, get a grip. You said it yourself: "It's JUST a return." So stop acting like you're being made to wait for your nitro pills in the middle of a heart attack, arright?

I was putting away books today and just as a guy walked by one of the books fell off my badly balanced pile into a crack between two plastic boxes. The customer walking by witnessed this and took the time to grin at me and say, in this indescribably snide way, "WHOOPS." Then he stalked off. Yeah, you feel big now, don't you? You saw me drop a book. Ooh yeah, I'm so silly and clumsy, huh? Poor little blonde girl dropped a book, "WHOOPS!" Shit.

Some lady in the café bought a muffin and then didn't like it. She came back and told the café manager that it was a horrible muffin and she'd NEVER had a worse muffin and that it was the WORST muffin she'd EVER had in her WHOLE life and was all doughy in the middle and nasty. (When the manager told me this story she said that the lady said the muffin was bad THREE times. And it turned out she also went to the register and told the cashier what a horrible muffin it had been.) Look, okay, so you don't like the muffin. Now, either it was made wrong or you have different tastes than the manufacturer intended, but either way there is no reason to make a huge freakin' case out of it. It's a MUFFIN. If you're in a restaurant and the food sucks, you don't spend ten minutes describing how much the food made you feel like puking to the waitress, do you? The polite thing to do if you must return a dish is to say you didn't like it and have it sent back. Now how the hell did this lady's world get so turned upside-down that describing the muffin's disgustingness was so important that she had to spend ten minutes on it? (Then again, here I am going on and on writing about it. Oh well.)

9/19/04

Three of us associates were standing around talking this morning, and a man wandered up holding a newspaper and two bucks and tried to hand it to one of us, saying, "New York Times?" My coworker looked a little bewildered and then pointed to the register and said, "OH, she'll take you," since only one of us was assigned ring-up duty today. Then instead of going to meet the cashier at the register, he just tried to give it to HER en route instead. Look, guy. I don't know how you got to be that old and you still missed this, but regardless of whether it's just a paper, you don't go up to random workers while they're elsewhere in the store working (well, or yakking, in our case) and just try to hand them money. It doesn't work that way, and she doesn't have change in her apron besides. It's not a yard sale or an informal friendly deal. It's a business. Go to the checkout.

An amusing book showed up in the cooking section today. Apparently someone had committed the grievous sin of sorting a book into its category only by looking at the cover instead of the categorization sticker. See if you can tell why this doesn't belong in Cooking.

I was helping a guy in Biography today and he was shopping for someone else so he wasn't sure what she'd want. But he was sure he wanted something that was popular, something that had gotten good reviews. He kept kind of picking up books and asking me if they were good, and finally I said, "Well, to tell you the truth I can only tell you how well they've been selling, I haven't read any of them so I don't know which ones are good." IMMEDIATELY after that he said, "Well, have you read any of them?" ::sigh::

I was helping some guy in Study Guides and out in the aisle I heard a horrific cardboard crash. Looking over, I saw a teenage-looking girl standing next to a book display that she'd obviously knocked over. Books were all over the floor. As I watched, she calmly and carefully stepped over the books and walked nonchalantly away. Oops--well, better get out of here. As long as I get far enough away, I didn't do it, and no one's the wiser. But oops--guess what, asshole? *I* saw you. And I looked at your face and I know it was YOU, and I'm thinking about YOU now as I write this. Feeling innocent? Hah. So there.

9/18/04

I was up at the register doing an early-morning return, and this lady was shifting on her feet a bunch in line. Then she broke out of line and said in an almost panicky way, "EXCUSE ME, can I get someone to help me at Customer Service?" I told her I could help her as soon as I was done with the return, and did so, walking her back to the desk. She had me look up a book and it was a book we'd have to order. She picked up her pocketbook and was walking away as she told me, "That's okay, I already ordered it in Ocala, I just wanted to see if I could get it quicker." I called after her and asked if she ordered it at our store, and she said yes. I guess she didn't know that if Ocala's store didn't have it, we wouldn't either. We carry the same stuff. Yeah.

I got teased by a customer today. I was helping someone in Interior Design and this other lady stopped me after I was done and told me she was looking for a book. "You're in the right place!" I said brightly, and she was like, "Oh listen to you!" but then moved on. Then later I was at the register for some reason and that lady was up there, but she was in line behind someone who was also using her discount card, maybe a teenage daughter or something. The daughter was there with her book and her money, but the lady was still fumbling for her card, and I didn't know yet that they were together, so when I asked the teen if she had a discount card and she said yes but made no move to get it, I prompted her for it and asked if she had the discount card with her. The lady took this as me ragging on her and started going, "I'm GETTING it, just be PATIENT, you have to be a little PATIENT!" This other lady was with her and she started telling her that I had helped her back in Crafts and Hobbies and recounted what I'd said to her about "You're in the right place!" making it out like I was a big wise-ass. "Oh, she behaves just like THIS one!" the lady said, indicating the teen, who rolled her eyes. Meanwhile I'm confused as to why she thinks I did anything at all--I mean, usually when I'm kidding around with people, I intended to do so and I know it. Go fig. So. The lady gets to the counter to make her own purchases and she pointed out that she found another book she was looking for--"And I did it without YOUR help," she ribbed me, and described to her companion how I'd just pointed at Cooking and said, "It's over in Cooking," when actually she had walked off to look for it herself saying, "I'll look," not like she needed my help at all even though actually I offered it. She kept going on about how I just SENT her over there and I act just like "this one" (the teen), and so I just kind of looked at her and gave her a very confused look and said, "ALL right. . . . " and just walked away from the register. (The cashier was ringing her up, I was just there on a leftover return.) Then the lady called that she was just playing with me, just teasing. I turned back around and said, "I *feel* teased!" and walked away, calling, "I have SISTERS to do that!" Honestly, as if enough people don't give me a hard time in the world without someone just pretending to. Argh.

It suddenly got very busy at Customer Service and this one dude would NOT stop talking to me. I had been helping him back in Kids' trying to find workbooks for homeschooling, but he wanted something I knew we didn't carry and the computer said didn't exist to us. He kept on asking about where he could get it, who he should call, wanting me to be specific about his next steps when I could only give him vague suggestions (like seeing if the company has a website, or checking with educational distribution organizations since he must know some if he homeschools his kids). Also he seemed to not be able to read or something, every time I pointed out a book that he might be able to use for his purpose he would get distracted and then be like, "Where they at?" again and I'd point and he'd go, "WHICH one?" like he couldn't tell which one said "grammar" and which one said "math." All during this my phone was ringing and he was watching me put people on hold and watching other people lining up around the desk and acting completely oblivious to the fact that there was only ME to help all these people. I told him a billion times that I had NO more information because as far as my computer was concerned this book didn't exist, and he wouldn't stop. (And, of course, after he finally left and I was in the middle of trying to help everyone who'd been waiting, he came BACK and tried to stop me in mid-sentence with someone else, saying he wanted another book, and he was all vague about that one too--"I was looking for a book on learning the alphabet?" "Were you looking for a specific book?" "No, just a regular book.")

9/15/04

One of my first annoyances today was the fact that before I could even get my apron on I had to field returns, and then I ended up unable to actually complete either ONE of them. The first dude was a jerk. He brought back a big Bible concordance and had a receipt--problem is, the receipt was from the café for a freaking cup of coffee. No dice. I explained that to him and first he argued with me that he had the right receipt, but when I showed him on the receipt that he'd bought coffee and like one other thing, equaling five bucks, he had to back down. Then he said he wanted me to give him store credit, and I said I would not do that; I could exchange this book for something else of equal or greater value today, but I would not give store credit or money or credit onto a credit card without a receipt. He got all mad--and I never understand why people get mad that I won't give a store credit, because he can come back and shop when he has time and just bring the book with him again, and it's the SAME. (He claimed he didn't have time to shop today.) Finally, after I refused several times and he wouldn't stop, he told me he was going to stop payment on his credit card for the book and then come back, which made no sense because it's not like that's something he can dispute, it just doesn't make sense. We're not going to give you credit because you refuse to pay or something. You have the book so you can't dispute that you bought it! But anyway it seemed to make sense to HIM. My coworker on the register started trying to help me get rid of the guy and replied to his credit card business that "You can do whatever you want there, that's between you and your credit card company," but I just wondered what the hell he thought he was going to get out of that. Finally he bought a newspaper and left. Tee-hee.

The other return I couldn't do was just 'cause the lady hadn't brought the credit card she'd charged it on, so I couldn't return the money to the card. She wasn't a jerk or anything. It was just frustrating.

A guy came up to C/S asking if a favorite author of his had anything new. I dug up a list, scrolled to the newest book, and told him what it was. He had no visible reaction and just told me that he liked the author's work and started telling me names of other stuff the guy wrote. I was like, okay . . . and I repeated for him the title of the newest book and said we were supposed to have it over in Christian Fiction. Reply? "Do you see The Yellow Rose?" That was indeed a title I'd come across in the list and I told him so. "So are you looking for THAT one?" I asked, now confused about what he wanted since The Yellow Rose was not the newest one. "No, no," he said, and then told me the books he was reading were in a series, a very good one, and now did I see such and such a title. Again I saw the title and asked him if that was what he needed. "No, no, I'm looking for the newest." Kind of exasperated, I told him again that we carried a title that had come out this month and that it was in Christian Fiction, and did he want to go look at it? He hemmed and hawed like he wasn't sure. I still have no idea what the HELL this guy's deal was. What did he want, besides to waste my time?

This person who complained wasn't really complaining about ME per se, but her methods really drove me up the wall. Apparently she was poking around behind the customer service desk not approaching so we could see her (because we stop what we're doing and help customers if we have them). But my manager and I were standing at the counter and talking about how it was really annoying that we lost money having the store closed for the hurricane and that the salaried members of our staff are still getting paid for forty hours AND they're taking their days off this week in addition to the closed-for-hurricane days they got as paid freebies. Neither of us thought this was fair, so my manager was venting about it and saying she was going to talk to them and to the district manager about whether they can at least rearrange the schedule or something so that the assistant general manager doesn't get paid full paycheck for working three days while the lowly sidelines manager gets to now work eight days in a row or something to try to make up what she would have had anyway if we'd been open. All of this--none of it obscene or anything, of course, we save the cuss words for when we're whining in the back room--was overheard by a customer . . .

. . . Who wrote down what we were saying on a post-it note, approached our general manager when he came in, and slipped him the note, explaining that "the girl in the bandanna and the heavier-set girl were TALKING about you and I thought it was very unprofessional and that you should know." Of course, this is stuff my manager has whined about to the general manager's FACE as well, it's not like he doesn't know she's upset about it. I just picture this lady wearing one of our Spy Toys listening devices and jotting down our conversation on a pad, skulking behind Customer Service. And that is a laugh riot, because she actually thought she was doing someone a favor. Damn do people need to mind their own business. . . .

Right at the end of my shift this lady needed help finding a religious book, and when we got over there she asked me junk about how come it wasn't thirteen bucks like her sister-in-law got it or something (it was a twenty-four-dollar hardcover book that was not on sale). I told her if her sister got it somewhere else and it happened to be on sale, that means nothing to us, we can't price-match or anything and there's no sale. She flipped the book open to the back cover and showed me the author's picture and said, "HMM, he looks Jewish. Do you think he looks Jewish?" I told her I didn't really know, and I guess she mistook my confused look for an offended one because then she goes, "Are YOU Jewish?" I told her actually my dad is. (I wondered if she thought my pentacle necklace was a Star of David. Some people undoubtedly think that. Argh.) Then she started saying the author looked like a good-looking fella. Uh-huh. And then she asked for books about grooming poodles. It was just weird--odd enough to catch my attention.

A lady walked up to C/S and handed me a post-it with a book's title and author written on it. After I'd typed it in already she goes, "It's called Kitchen." Unable to help myself, I replied, "Yup, that's what it says. . . . " Why do people bother to give me a piece of paper to explain what they want if they're just going to read it to me anyway? So the book was in the computer as a book we can't even get--probably out of print--and I told her so. She seemed REALLY confused by that, and when I asked her if there was anything else she wanted me to help her with, she replied, "Yes," and then handed me the paper again and told me she wanted that book! I repeated to her that it was NOT AVAILABLE, and I COULD NOT GET IT, and she was like, "Oh." Then I asked her if there was anything else and she goes, "Yes, please," and then walks away. Maybe she didn't speak English? Who knows.

A lady called me and asked for a book. I put her on hold, typed in the title, and found there was more than one book with that title, but one looked really obscure so I assumed it was the one by the first author in the list. I got back on the phone, asked her the author, and she told me who it was. Immediately I was like, "Okay, gotcha, I'll go check the shelf," and the lady starts SPELLING the author's name--which wasn't hard to spell in the first place--after I already expressed recognition and whatnot. I interrupted her and told her I didn't need that, and she continued to spell it, and then spelled it again, and I was like, what the fuck, is she listening? I told her I just wanted to make sure I was looking for the right book since more than one book had that title. When I got to the shelf and had no copies, she replied, "Well is there a way for you to tell if your other store has a copy?" Well, you do the math here, ma'am. You call me, I look it up, I *check*, but then you think I might know from this store if the other store has it on a shelf. I told her in fact there WAS a way to tell if the other store had a copy, and that involves calling them. She agreed. Hehe.

Heh. A lady came in looking for "the fiftieth edition Playboy." Well, it's not fiftieth EDITION, it's fiftieth ANNIVERSARY, but whatever. Anyway, of course I know of this 'cause it was a big art book that came out last Christmas and we had a special update about it because it is wrapped in plastic and we wanted to make sure unwrapped copies don't end up sitting around in the store. (You KNOW people are going to open them.) So I asked her if she already looked anywhere and she goes, "Yes, up there," pointing to the front of the store, which is all the fiction and literature section. Yeah, that's a perfect place for pictures of naked chicks. So I told her Fiction is all that's up there and she should come to Art with me, and then she told me she looked "up there" because at Christmas it came out and it was up there. Ahh, yes, the displays we had eight months ago. Um yeah. So anyway I checked to make sure we even still carried it, and while I was doing it she kept telling me, "Well, it's a BRAND new book," several different ways she rephrased that, and see I *know* what book she means and I told her I remembered it--she didn't have to keep giving me information like I was having trouble finding it or didn't know what the hell I was doing. Plus a book that came out last Christmas is not "brand new." So we go back there and find the book and then she goes, "How much is it?" I turned it for her and showed her the $50 price tag, and she goes, "FIFTY DOLLARS? It can't be that much! Oh, wait . . . yeah, it IS fifty dollars." You're remembering? Um, okay, I'm not even going to try to figure that one out. Then she starts going, "Do I really want to spend fifty dollars on that FREAK?" And starts talking about how it's for a dirty-minded friend, "Maybe I'll just get him some filthy calendar or something," and I'm like wow, I wish I had fifty bucks to consider blowing on someone I think is a giant pervert that I obviously don't have a very high opinion of. Gah.

A lady asked me where Biography was. I told her, then asked if she was looking for someone in particular. She said, "Dwayne Johnson and Arnold Schwarzenegger." Then she informed me that Dwayne Johnson is also called "The Rock," which even my clueless ass recognizes is a famous wrestler. Weirdly most of our sports-people biographies are actually in the sports section, so I told her if she wanted a book on a wrestler she should check Wrestling and started taking her back there. "Well, Dwayne Johnson isn't really a wrestler," she said, which kind of throws me for a loop even now. She claimed he was more of an "actor and celebrity"--lord, are we talking about the same Rock, the one who cooks stuff and wants you to smell it? Is she really calling him an actor based on the fact that he had a goofy role in a couple really bad movies? That's not acting, that's being a buff guy who's letting the movie crew film him. Anyway, she insisted that Dwayne Johnson isn't a wrestler, and then said, "But that's probably what Schwarzenegger's more known for, HE might be in the wrestling section." Okay, now I will freely admit I am totally clueless, but I don't think Ah-nold has EVER been in the wrestling ring. He's been Mr. Universe and he's a body-building champ. He's been in MANY movies. And now he's the governor of friggin' California. I don't think HE'S the one who's going to show up in the wrestling section over The Rock. And then it turned out she wanted books on body-building anyway, didn't actually want stories of their lives at all but rather their fitness programs, so we were in the totally wrong area whether we combed Biography OR Wrestling. I love it when people try to find shit themselves, but do they always have to be the people with the smallest portion of a clue?

9/14/04

People made me repeat myself a lot today. I don't know what it was, but that was today's annoyance epidemic.

This lady called me and we didn't have the book she wanted to get. She was generally annoying on the phone and kept being really, really vague and then suddenly coming up with vital information after I'd been looking for her books based on the vague information, you know--annoying stuff like that. But then when we finally figured it out and would have to order it, she asked, "Do you carry the same books as your other store?" I agreed that we did. "The exact same books?" she asked, and I paused for a second and said, "Yeeees . . . ?" And then she replied to that, "So there's no variation in y'all's books?" Okay, did she think if she just phrased the question enough different ways I'd end up giving her a different answer that amounts to "Yes, the other store will have the book"? Good God, some people.

A guy came up to Checkout while I was running the register chick's lunch break. He told me he was supposed to get some special discount "because I had it ordered." Yeah. He further explained that whoever he'd ordered it from that day informed him that if he ordered it, he would get five or six dollars off. I told him either the person who said that misspoke or he misunderstood, because we don't have any policy that says "If you order a book, you get a chunk of money off for no apparent reason!" He couldn't answer who told him that and he couldn't answer why, and I suggested maybe the person had told him it'd be five or six dollars cheaper if he ordered it online (because that's true, the site sells for less than retail price, but you have to pay by credit card and pay shipping to have it delivered to your house). He didn't argue and didn't continue the discussion after I told him there was no discount except his regular discount card, but I had to wonder how the hell that notion came into his brain.

I answered the phone with my usual spiel, which ends with "How may I help ya?" The girl on the other end replied hesitantly, "I don't know. . . . " Yeah, then why'd you call me? She hastened to add, "Um, someone called me from there?" I was like, "Yeah?" and she kind of hemmed and hawed and finally said she accidentally wrote down the wrong number from the machine or something. It weirds me out when people call ME and then expect me to know why they're calling. Weirdoes.

Some lady wanted help finding a book and the computer said we carried it, so I showed her where it would be if we had any, but we didn't. She pointed at my computer and said, "But it SAYS you have it!" like maybe I'm overlooking the obvious and since the all-powerful computer SAID we had some then I must not be looking in the right place. I explained that I DIDN'T say "the computer says we have it"; I'd said the computer said we CARRIED it, and if we don't have any they're either sold out or not here yet. Grr. After I checked a couple displays of features for her just to be sure, she asked me, "That store over there on Archer, is that a Barnes & Noble?" Smooth, lady. But I don't care.

Some lady told me she likes Nora Roberts's romances because their subject matter usually includes "a lot of Seltic things." That's not how you pronounce "Celtic." Unless Nora Roberts started writing about basketball when my back was turned.

A lady asked about a book that was for some reason totally unavailable to us even though it was in the system. I described to her how it was weird that we couldn't even get it, and usually if it's in the system it at least has some way of getting it from the publisher or trying to do so, but once in a while there's that odd book that shows up in the database with no availability, simply to let you know it exists. After discussing its unavailability with this lady for at least two full minutes, she finished up the conversation with, "So you can't even order it?" Okay, I think I've already HAD this talk. . . .

I was helping a lady at Customer Service when there was an announcement for me to come to that very desk--that happens sometimes because the register person can't see my short little blonde head and figures he'd better announce that help is needed just in case I'm not there, and usually I'm not so it's a fair bet. As I was finishing up helping this lady, the customer who'd had the register person call for me followed me around as I helped and then when I was finished he broke in with, "Well, he had you paged for ME, actually." Oh yeah, that's how it works--you go up and specifically ask for help and have me paged, and that means I drop the other customers who were in line before you just because you asked special for me. It doesn't work that way. And you didn't have to camp me, it's not like I didn't know you were there. Bleh.

9/13/04

Had to help a guy today who probably gives bricks their daily lesson in density.

The dude wanted an algebra book to help his son learn some stuff he's having trouble with. "And I can't he'p him none either, 'cause he ain't 'lowed to bring the textbook home," he complained. The son was in high school, but after flipping through several of the high school study guides the dude was still mystified and wanted me to show him the ones for like middle schoolers in the kids' section. Even there we couldn't find what he wanted, and I asked him to describe to me what sorts of problems he was expecting to find explained. "Well, it's all this stuff with x's, and minus signs," he said, "and it got all these greater-than and less-than signs."

Now, those of you who know me know that I really and truly suck at math, but I was aware of this kind of problem--it's called inequalities. So I went back to the study guide section, pulled out a book, looked in the table of contents, and found inequalities. I showed the page to the guy and told him I thought what he described sounded like inequalities, and asked him if this was looking more familiar. "Yeah, that's what my son's doin'!" he agreed, sounding delighted and taking the book. "Ahh, okay. Inequities. That's what it is." I kind of gently corrected him that it was "inequalities," but then later in the conversation of thanking me he called it inequities again. I found myself thinking I wasn't surprised this kid was having trouble with math; he's got this joker to teach him. I just hope his mom is able to help him in English, that's all I can say.

Some dude came up to one of my coworkers and asked, "Where's your pit section?" Understandably mystified, my coworker asked for clarification, and the dude replied, "Pit section, PITS, like pit bull?" Yes, there is a specialized section that everyone recognizes called "the pit section," and everyone knows you're talking about a particular breed of dog when you say "pit" with no context. I hate when people don't realize they're speaking jargon. I would never roll my eyes at someone after they took me to the fishing section when I asked for books on "casting" and was looking for books on how to cast spells, you know? Screw that.

A couple days ago I had a dude come in and ask for Captain Underpants books. I told him we only had one box set, for some reason they haven't been restocking us. I told him at that time it's been like six months, and of course I can still order him some (which he didn't want to do, he was on a trip), but they just haven't sent any to the store for months. He accepted that and left. Then today, it being like two days later, the dude was back with the same question, and when I gave him the same answer about us being out, he goes, "STILL? You're STILL OUT?" OMG. Dude, you were only here two days ago, and I *told* you they haven't restocked me in *months*. What makes you think they're going to randomly restock me in the next two days? Weird.

A lady was doing an exchange and she had no receipt, so I had to ask her some questions. She acted really distracted during the whole thing and kept giving weird or incomplete answers as she browsed the impulse buys, obviously needing most of her brain to pay attention to the various styles of Book Thongs. Finally I asked her if she got the book at this store originally, and she answered yes. I put that into the computer and was almost out of the screen before she added, "Or the other store over on 13th Street. Something like that, I dunno." Okay, lady, I didn't ask this question for my health, and this isn't a question where either answer will do. It's a specific question for their damn form. I noticed the price sticker was still on her book and that has a code that tells us which store it was shipped to, and it had the other store's code on it, so basically I was about to enter the wrong information because I figured, ya know, that she knew what the hell she was talking about. ::sigh::

Okay. A dude came in with a magazine clipping featuring search-and-find books for various characters. It was kinda like Where's Waldo, but with SpongeBob or Dora or some Disney characters. I'd never seen these books so I told him we didn't have anything like that, but he even had an ISBN written down by one of them and wanted me to "just check," so I told him I'd be glad to look on the computer to see if we could ORDER them, but I KNEW we didn't carry them. Well, sure enough, none of the books' ISBNs were even in the computer, which means it was probably some deal through the catalog or a certain store only, and then he's like, "Well where can I get something like this?" I asked for clarification; did he want search-and-find books to find a character, or did he want books with one of those characters? "I'm looking for the SpongeBob one," he replied, so I took him to the Nickelodeon section and showed him. Then he goes, "Okay. Now where would a search-and-find book with SpongeBob be?" I had to explain to him slowly and carefully that WE DID NOT HAVE THAT, we did not have any search-and-find books on SpongeBob and if we did they'd be here but we did NOT. I hate when customers think if they break the process down into pieces they can do detective work to make us help them find a book. I get that a lot, like something is a biography and after we don't find it in Biography they're like "Well maybe it's in Art, he was an artist, could you show me that now please?" If the computer said Biography, THAT'S WHERE WE'D PUT IT IF WE HAD IT. We don't wanna make it more complicated than it has to be. Feh.

Argh. I had a lady in Kids' today who had a several-page list of books she wanted. She needed to get, like, two of the books on the list, but they were these old-ass lists populated mostly with books that were out of print, and being that I'm the kids' specialist I could easily scroll down her lists with my eyes and pick out ones we carried. I gave her a couple but then she wasn't satisfied, she *really* wanted these other ones, and didn't want to buy this hardback if she could find one on her list that was a paperback, and so she just kept pointing to titles and asking me about them specifically, and I must have explained to her five different times that I had GIVEN HER every book we would have on the lists, and she had already expressed that she didn't want to order anything. She just kept doing things like "Hmm, Eating the Alphabet, let's see," finding the author on her list and then acting like she's combing the section looking for that book when I've already told her we don't have it or anything else. At one point she found a book not on her list but interesting to her and she pulled it out and handed it to me and said, "Hold this, honey." Then she handed me another book immediately afterwards. I paused for a moment while she mumbled to herself trying to find an author, and then I asked her why I was holding these books, if she was buying them or just taking them out to look at or what. I managed to get her to take the books and leave me alone. Sorry, but unless you wanna order stuff, I can't help you any more with this, so I am *not* gonna stand there and be your shopping cart while you mumble and take away the time I really need to be using to WORK.

Then right after that last one the phone rang, and this girl on the phone wanted to know about "The FCAT book." I repeated back to her, "THE FCAT book? Okay, which one?" "Um, the one for tenth grade?" Well, we're getting warmer, but you haven't answered my question. "Is it a particular book you're looking for, or just anything to help with the test?" "Um well it's for tenth grade and the reading and writing part?" Okay, so we've established that she can't understand a simple question. But then again we're talking about someone who needs to run out and buy a study guide in hopes she'll pass the FCAT. ::sigh:: And then as if that wasn't bad enough while I was on the phone with her some guy was trying to get my attention, saying, "Miss? Miss?" to me while I was obviously talking and busy with FCAT chick. Eventually he spun around indignantly and took off, presumably to find another employee who would not be so rude as to make him wait his turn. I shall never forgive myself I tell you.

Oh yeah, and I kinda had it out with one of my regulars--she and I had an argument about whether the fourth Harry Potter movie was coming out in two months. (Obviously it's not, since number 3 is still in theaters.) Umm, she also told me that the sixth movie is coming out next November, which makes no sense because the sixth BOOK is not out. She claims it's going to come out before the book does. I'm so sure. (Of course, she's also argued with me about whether basilisks are real. Lovely.) She got really angry about me denying her claims and kept saying, "I *read* it!" to which I replied, "Well, we'll see." She kind of got really annoyed that I didn't believe her. But we will see, won't we? Or rather, she will. ::sigh::

9/7/04

Yeah, so we were closed a couple days for this hurricane thing. Now of course everyone who still doesn't have power has decided to invade the store to partake of our air conditioning--and worse yet, let their kids partake of all the toys and books in the kids' section. Yes, folks; they have become explosive with no 'lectricity to entertain them, so they bring 'em HERE and just let them do whatever they want. Never mind it isn't their stuff. I tell you what; it looked like we had a hurricane INSIDE the building. Fuckers.

9/4/04

I had a lady ask me for help in the BATHROOM. I'm in the potty, no apron, and the lady's like "Where are the maps?" I just kind of looked at her and she snotted, "You work here?" I said I did and she repeated, "Where are the maps??" I'm like, shit, we're in the BATHROOM, how am I gonna point it out? So I just said, "In the travel section," and went about my business. She didn't bug me again.

I was sitting on the floor when the store first opened this morning, trying to fix some of the damage caused by rampaging jackasses while I was off for two days. Bleh. This lady came over and said, "Do you work here?" I looked at her with this patented blank look I've developed and said, "Yeah. . . . " She kinda laughed and said, "Yeah, of course you do, you're sitting on the floor." Okay, yeah. Now, I'm fixing books, and I'm wearing an apron with the store's name on it, and my name is displayed on my chest on a store name tag. But it's the fact that I'm on the floor that gave me away as an employee? 'Kay then. (Believe me, customers sit on the floor all the time. Sometimes they even lay on it. They make themselves at home.)

9/1/04

An elderly lady was looking for help and stopped some guy who didn't even work at our store, asking him for help. I overheard and started coming over, but she continued to ask him for help after he already said he didn't work there. He kinda sent her to me. She came up and wanted help looking for a calorie counter. I took her over and she started yammering up a storm about how she was 83 years old and her doctor wanted to put her on a high blood pressure medication but had to do tests to see if it would hurt her liver and blah blah, and I mean she wasn't annoying, it was just sort of silly that she was telling me her life story leading up to why she wanted a calorie counter. Finally she caught herself in a lull in our conversation and said, "Oh, I guess I could be lookin' too." (She specified that she really just wanted a book that was ONLY calorie counts so she didn't get confused, but I kept finding food count books with other counts too.) Hehe. The lady started flapping her lips again, saying how she was 83 and she guessed something was going to kill her sooner or later--and then said, "Actually, it'll probably be my driving." I just started giggling then. Ya can't help it.

Some lady called about directions to the store and just could not comprehend most of what I said, and kept asking me to repeat myself. Then she hung up and called back maybe twenty minutes later, told me who she was, and said, "I'm the party who called about a book." Yes, because every other caller I've had this morning was ringing up about the win-a-date sweepstakes. I ask you.

Some lady asked me for a book called The Bush Family. I repeated it back to her and she said, "NO, The Bush FAMILY." Yeah, that's what I said. I told her that and that I was just confirming what she'd said. Then it turned out I had to order it and I was asking if she had ordered with us recently, and she said no. I told her that she probably wasn't in the system, then, and that I needed her name to put in and she just kept not wanting to give it to me! "Well I might be in your system, I have bought books there--" "That doesn't matter, the only thing that would put you in this system is if you'd ordered before--" "Well I haven't ordered a book, but I bet I'm in your system, I have a discount card. . . . " And so on. Argh.

Someone asked me about a book for which there was a hardback and a paperback copy. She was all befuddled: "Are they the SAME book?" I told her they were and she was like, "But then why is one so much less expensive than the other?" I explained that the mass market was cheaper because IT IS A PAPERBACK. This still didn't matter to her and she was convinced she was getting a different book or that it was somehow wrong or missing all the vital information. I just told her to get the paperback and save the receipt and she could bring it back if it turned out to be "wrong." Grr.