Brianne: I wish I'd had this rant and the list of links when I was living with a roommate from hell... it might have made the whole thing a lot easier to deal with.

For the record, the one I dealt with was pretty much a female version of yours. Oh, and she did drugs. In the apartment. Yay!

Adler Duke: I wish I wouldn't have read this. I stumbled across this site and thought it was cool to see a writer plying her trade.

But this? Dear God...where do I begin??

I'd dearly love to read JW's rebuttal to your rather humorous confession of OCD. I see several holes in your story.

(I'll let that marinate without enumerating. I know your type all too well, and there's a reason why nobody likes you, and all of your human relationships are shallow and passing.)

It's a prety shitty thing to do to another human being to post their personal picture on the Internet along with your pathetic tongue-in-cheek allegations. You act superior, and you need to take it down a notch. Clearly it was a bad match to begin with, and you have WAY too much time on your hands.

Here's what people do when they have a problem with dishes:

"Hey, Dude. Either do the dishes or don't use them. Furthermore, pick up your shit in case I want to have company over. Your mother doesn't work here, and I can have another roommate here tomorrow. Hop to, Skippy!"

But instead, you went around behind the guy like some investigative reporter collecting evidence, building a case against him to present to...your blog? Pretty lame.

For all we know, you'd just moved in there and all that rust and mildew and filth was already there and he didn't clean it to your specs. (Which, wouldn't have been possible anyway.) You trapped him, and made yourself appear to be a victim.

Perpetual victims end up becoming predators in life, which is why people like you scare the mortal shit out of me.

I had a roommate once who would wait until I went to sleep at night, stay up all night smoking pot and cleaning the house playing the same Pink Floyd CD over and over and over again, and every morning I'd wake up to find a little pile of anything I'd left in the living room in front of my door.

I'd known him since High School and never knew he was such a mental case. His last roommate had left a bunch of crap in my "room" and his way of controlling the situation with minimal effort was to say "hey, you can have anything you want that he left and put the rest out or throw it away." Come on...what the fuck?? You know he went through everything already and took what he wanted, and already the impetus was on me to find something to do with all this stuff.

Every day it was something. I felt like I was living in a youth facility while at the same time I was working two jobs. I got him laid (holy hell, that was a miracle!) and I tried my best to be his friend. But instead, every morning I'd find a little pile of shit in front of my door that most of the time wasn't even mine.

So I started avoiding him. And PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO THIS. I ended up coming home from work and going straight to my room. I knew he talked shit about me behind my back, and was a shit talker by nature, so I kept all conversation to a minimum. And that made things even worse because it made him feel unliked. When you stay in your room like that and desire contact whatsoever with a person, it's hard to live normally. You eat in your room and make as little footprint as possible, because you now no matter what you do that person is going to find fault then turn around and tell ten people what a horrible person you are.

Then, because they have no read hard evidence, they MAKE SHIT UP. They tell people wom you've never met that you're a homo, a pervert, a pedo, an alcoholic, a druggy, a thief, etc. One is virtually paralyzed and nothng is sfe while you're gone because they'll snoop through everything you own while you're not there. (or even in the bathroom taking a shit.)

See, It didn't matter what JW did, you were going to find fault in it and talk about him behind his back.

You lack the courage of your misplaced arrogance and furthermore you're a defective human being.

It's not a matter of cleanliness, it's a matter of control for you. People like you seem to have missed out on some critical affection or bonding with a parent figure in their early lives, or maybe they were really sickly and raised in a bubble. Who knows. I do know that if I knew this guy I'd tell him about this.

What a fucking piece of work. Have you considered sexual release or at least psych meds? The more I look at what you did here, the sadder it is. But I don't feel sorry for you. You're a monster, and you'll always hide behind the law to inflict your misery.

I hope he skipped out and abandoned you on the rent and found some decent people whom he could get along with. I hope this comes around to bite you in the ass, too.

swankivy: Dear Adler Duke,

I received the following message in my response box on my "Roommate Rant." This is my response. If this was not sent by you, someone used your e-mail as their own.

I wish I wouldn't have read this.

Yawwwn. Me too.

I stumbled across this site and thought it was cool to see a writer plying her trade.

Then I recommend not looking for examples of "a writer plying her trade" in a section of her website clearly marked "rants" and further clearly marked "anecdotal jackassery." Ahh, who are we kidding.

I see several holes in your story. I'll let that marinate without enumerating.

*gasp* An Internet critic sees *holes in my story*. Better immediately start torturing myself WONDERING WHAT THEY ARE. It's gonna keep me up all night, I tell ya.

I know your type all too well, and there's a reason why nobody likes you, and all of your human relationships are shallow and passing.

Good to know. Just so you know, mid-thirties women with satisfying personal lives and active social lives usually aren't at all cowed by someone screaming "NOBODY LIKES YOU, LOSER!" on the Internet. Or specious claims to know about our relationships. If you're trying to be cunning and cutting, it's laughable. And kind of sad that you're trying so hard to kick me where it hurts and are doing such a poor job.

It's a prety shitty thing to do to another human being to post their personal picture on the Internet along with your pathetic tongue-in-cheek allegations.

Yep. Picture of the back of his head. He'll never live that down. Horrible, I know. I'm looking to ruin lives here.

You act superior, and you need to take it down a notch.

Or, the alternative: Do what I like how I like. I don't "need to" do anything.

Clearly it was a bad match to begin with,

Yeah, it was. I don't know anyone who offers a person a place to stay even though it might be a bad match, do you? College kids have utmost control over every aspect of their living situation, after all, and should surely wait for the most promising social pairings to ensure apartment harmony.

and you have WAY too much time on your hands.

*slow clap* This is how you do irony. A precious Internet person goes through someone's petty rant about her roommate from nearly fifteen years ago, sends an impassioned 800-word essay about what a useless human being she is, and then tells HER she has too much time on her hands. Well played.

Here's what people do when they have a problem with dishes:
"Hey, Dude. Either do the dishes or don't use them. Furthermore, pick up your shit in case I want to have company over. Your mother doesn't work here, and I can have another roommate here tomorrow. Hop to, Skippy!"

In case you didn't actually read the rant you're criticizing, just telling him to do things didn't work, and that's part of the reason it became enough of an issue that I ranted about it. I thought I made that pretty clear. You're going to get marked down on reading comprehension if you keep doing this.

But instead, you went around behind the guy like some investigative reporter collecting evidence, building a case against him to present to...your blog? Pretty lame.

Actually, considering the next thing you said--"For all we know, you'd just moved in there and all that rust and mildew and filth was already there and he didn't clean it to your specs. (Which, wouldn't have been possible anyway.) You trapped him, and made yourself appear to be a victim."--You weren't willing to believe it even WITH pictures, so had I taken documentary photos of the before and after, I doubt I would have earned your respect. After all, it would have been further evidence that I have "no life." People never believed me when I said how disgusting my roommate was being--and it had repercussions that affected whether we could withhold his deposit--so I got photographic evidence and they believed me. Pretty simple. Certainly not indicative of sneaky, underhanded attempts to frame or trap innocent roommates. I also seem to have lived with seven other roommates in the three-bedroom apartment throughout my four years of college, and not a one of them was the target of such ~vicious~ personality assassination.

Perpetual victims end up becoming predators in life, which is why people like you scare the mortal shit out of me.

And that's why you're sending me an in-depth outline of all my personality flaws and drawing my evil Sauron eye your way, yes? Sure, I scare you. Goodness, you're really not very good at this.

I had a roommate once who would wait until I went to sleep at night, stay up all night smoking pot and cleaning the house playing the same Pink Floyd CD over and over and over again, and every morning I'd wake up to find a little pile of anything I'd left in the living room in front of my door.
I'd known him since High School and never knew he was such a mental case. His last roommate had left a bunch of crap in my "room" and his way of controlling the situation with minimal effort was to say "hey, you can have anything you want that he left and put the rest out or throw it away." Come on...what the fuck?? You know he went through everything already and took what he wanted, and already the impetus was on me to find something to do with all this stuff.
Every day it was something. I felt like I was living in a youth facility while at the same time I was working two jobs. I got him laid (holy hell, that was a miracle!) and I tried my best to be his friend. But instead, every morning I'd find a little pile of shit in front of my door that most of the time wasn't even mine.

Oh wow, so your way of dealing with it is to rant to a stranger--a person who disgusts you and makes you afraid--and in so doing you draw him up as pathetic and unreasonable and . . . wait . . . get your ranting out on paper so you can feel a little better? Wow, can't imagine what would drive you to such low behavior. Gotta love the little dig about how he was pathetic but you, the hero, *got him laid*. A miracle. Clearly we're talking about a loser here, based on his lack of sexual conquests, and you're such a sweetheart for assisting him in this manner.

So I started avoiding him. And PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO THIS. I ended up coming home from work and going straight to my room. I knew he talked shit about me behind my back, and was a shit talker by nature, so I kept all conversation to a minimum. And that made things even worse because it made him feel unliked. When you stay in your room like that and desire contact whatsoever with a person, it's hard to live normally. You eat in your room and make as little footprint as possible, because you now no matter what you do that person is going to find fault then turn around and tell ten people what a horrible person you are.

So . . . is this your way of making up excuses for my roommate of fourteen years ago whom you don't know, and pretending that he must have been burrowing in his room like an animal to avoid me and my insufferable nagging? (That doesn't at all describe his behavior, by the way. He usually hung out in the living room, was personable, and he and I had a large number of mutual friends with whom we went to poetry readings. The food he ate was usually left all over the living room floor or on the counter in the common areas. Fast food and Cheez-Its were what he ate in his room.)

Then, because they have no read hard evidence, they MAKE SHIT UP. They tell people wom you've never met that you're a homo, a pervert, a pedo, an alcoholic, a druggy, a thief, etc. One is virtually paralyzed and nothng is sfe while you're gone because they'll snoop through everything you own while you're not there. (or even in the bathroom taking a shit.) See, It didn't matter what JW did, you were going to find fault in it and talk about him behind his back.

Yes, surely if I took pictures of the problems to help justify not returning his deposit and had to go in his bedroom to find where my coffee cups were disappearing to and into bathroom to get the books and magazines he stole from my shelves, that means it was really a ploy to unjustly smear him. You can't really win if the pictures I took to prove my point are evidence of having no life and being a jerk behind his back, but if I didn't have any proof, people like you would say I'd made the whole thing up. (Which you explicitly did in this same e-mail.) Considering nothing I said about him was untrue or intended to attack his character, we're not even talking about something in the same ballpark.

Oh, and "homo" is such an insult. I know all about the kind of person who thinks being called a homo is obviously an insult and a terrible thing. Two of the eight people I lived with during college were gay and I really side-eyed you whining about some guy claiming you were a homo behind your back. I could see people not wanting their sexual orientation misrepresented, but you sound like you might have some hate issues here.

You lack the courage of your misplaced arrogance and furthermore you're a defective human being.

Does that sentence even mean anything? Especially since if you thought I had a personality issue--for real--abusing me for it and calling me "defective" would be a terrible way to talk about mental illness. It's very telling when people like you use such things as weapons--either for trying to assign illnesses to people who don't have them, or by assuming they have them and heaping on the abuse anyway. What low behavior.

It's not a matter of cleanliness, it's a matter of control for you. People like you seem to have missed out on some critical affection or bonding with a parent figure in their early lives, or maybe they were really sickly and raised in a bubble. Who knows.

Thanks Dr. Freud! Seriously, don't people like you have anything else in your bag of really bad logic to throw at people you don't like beyond MOMMY MUST NOT HAVE LOVED YOU AS A CHILD?

I do know that if I knew this guy I'd tell him about this.

Too late! He knew about it while I was doing it. Apparently he didn't give a fuck. Or forgot. Like he usually forgot everything else.

What a fucking piece of work. Have you considered sexual release or at least psych meds?

Oh wait, there's the other one. The "lol get laid loser" accusation. Clearly anyone you disagree with is in desperate need of sex, and that's a great way to put them down. You're really getting desperate here, aren't you. Trying really, really hard to kick me where you think it will hurt, but--having no solid idea of how to do so or what matters to me--you grasp at straws. You should probably look into getting some counseling for this tendency of yours. Argue with people's *arguments* if you have a problem with what they're saying. I'm almost disappointed here. "Goddamn girl seriously get laid or get medicated" is just . . . really weak. And, again, attacking someone you think might actually suffer from mental illness is not a sign of a good person.

The more I look at what you did here, the sadder it is.

I'll just invoke this same sentence as my thoughts in response to your letter.

But I don't feel sorry for you. You're a monster, and you'll always hide behind the law to inflict your misery.

Yeah, I'm a right monster here. I ranted about my roommate on the Internet when I was in college. Sick, sick, sick. MONSTROUS. What a twisted, horrifying thing I've done. (Not sure what this thing about "hiding behind the law" is, though. I've never had to contact law enforcement for anything.) If you need me, I'll just be under someone's bed eating little children.

I hope he skipped out and abandoned you on the rent and found some decent people whom he could get along with. I hope this comes around to bite you in the ass, too.

Nope. He lived with me for one year, then moved out at the end of the semester so he could get a place with his equally messy girlfriend. My next roommates were awesome and they stayed with me until we all graduated.

Your comment hasn't done anything but show me you have trouble expressing yourself when you're angry and can't help but attack people's character if you have a problem with something they're doing. If you want your comments to be taken constructively next time (if there is a next time), don't make shit up, don't try to shame me if you disagree with me, and don't invoke the tried and true Internet accusations of "lol you have no friends mom didn't love you you need to get laid loser." (Especially since you missed one. Any particular reason that you left out accusations of my obviously being fat and ugly in your stream of ad hominem attacks? Because that's usually first.)