Askmen.com released an article called "Top 10 Subtle Ways To Tell Her She's Getting Fat." Suggestions include mostly really damn shitty passive-aggressive snotty "tricks" to MAKE HER FACE her weight gain, including but not limited to deliberately buying too-small clothes for her to make her admit her size has changed, stepping in to control her portion sizes for her like she's your child, grabbing her love handles to embarrass her, specifically asking her to wear an outfit she used to look good in (and, again, deliberately pointing out how good she looked back then to shame her), badgering her into going to the beach so she's embarrassed of how her body looks in a suit, and MODIFYING A CHAIR SO IT WILL BREAK WHEN SHE SITS IN IT to send the message.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And you know what? What ticks me off even more than the assholes suggesting this stuff is that they obviously have this b.s. entitlement mentality--"WAIT! I DESERVE A *HOT* GIRLFRIEND, NOT A TUB OF LARD! I'D BETTER DO A BUNCH OF UNFORGIVABLE, MANIPULATIVE, HORRIBLE THINGS TO THE PERSON I SUPPOSEDLY LOVE SO SHE'LL BE WHAT I WANT!" There is also this ridiculous "you're smarter than she is" attitude smeared all over the article--like, one of the "suggestions" says you can make sure she gets tiny portions and then pretend you're also eating the tiny portions, but then "you can always go back for more when she's not looking." 'Cause, you know, it's just a stupid woman who won't notice, and you as the man get to dictate how much she eats.

It's sick that these guys think a woman is going to fall for some of these things, and ANY guy who would actually try to force the lady in his life to feel embarrassed and insecure about her body probably isn't smooth or smart enough to plant these suggestions invisibly anyway. This doesn't really surprise me, though. These assholes also offer top ten lists with terrible dating advice. There's a top ten of ways men can tease women to "make them crazy for you." Here they are (and no, I'm not frigging kidding):

10. Don't laugh at her jokes--just ask her if that was supposed to be funny. (Why? This makes HER think YOU'RE funny, which = CRAZY FOR YOU!)

9. When she asks a "stupid" question, make her feel incredibly stupid with a sarcastic answer. (Why? Cocky men get laid!)

8. Interpret something she says as "dirty" even if it isn't, and then SLAP HER HAND FOR IT. (Why? It's a great way to make physical contact!)

7. Say something incredibly mean, but in a joking way. (Why? She'll totally get it and think you're hilarious!)

6. Pretend you can guess her weight by looking at her finger, and then guess that she weighs three hundred and forty-five pounds. (Why? Laughing at an exaggeration is sooo funny as long as it makes fun of fat people! And caution is given to the clueless: don't do it if she could actually be close to that.)

5. Ask her how old she is and then say she's out of your dating range. (Why? If she's young, pretending you like 'em even younger knocks her off-guard. If she's old, pretending you like 'em even older knocks her off-guard. Somehow this makes her fall for you!)

4. If she says something uninteresting, tell her sarcastically how interesting it is. Make eye contact and give her a mocking smile too! (Why? Gosh, I don't know anymore!)

3. Pretend she's failing a test if she says something nerdy, and use the phrase "I don't think this is going to work out." (Why? Making her insecure is a sure way to make her desperate to prove she's worth it!)

2. Pretend you're keeping track of how many points she has gained or lost based on having the same opinions you do. Tell her she "lost a point" every time she has a different opinion from yours, even if it's something like failing to agree with your opinion on broccoli. (Why? Same as above, 'cause making her scramble to get those points back is a wonderful way to make sure she knows right from the start that YOUR opinions are the important ones, not hers.)

1. Deliver your lines so she playfully punches you, NOT so she doesn't laugh. (Why? All these suggestions are actually funny, healthy ways to interact with a new romance candidate in your life! Can't you see?)

The "how to flirt with a woman sexually" list says the following: make your voice deep and sexy when talking to her; accuse her of wanting you based on innocent remarks ("women LOVE it when you do this"--swear to God, the article says that); make her think you're a great lover by responding to any compliment with "I'M GOOD AT A LOT OF THINGS" (which will cause the woman to realize you're a stud--again, yes, direct quote); do something nice for her so you can accuse her of using you, with intent of suggesting she wants to "use" you for other things too (she'll find it hilarious!); make sexual innuendo about basic getting-to-know-you questions like "where are you from?"; make sexual innuendo about innocent things (the article suggests getting her some tea so you can comment on how she's on the receiving end, then ask her about whether she likes to "receive" in other areas too); suggest that the payback currency be SEX if she lets you borrow money or receive a favor; accuse her of naughtiness in everyday activities (like asking her how dirty she was when she was taking a shower); make remarks to bring up little-known things you know about women's bodies/sexuality (the article suggests that women vacuum when they're ovulating, and that if you reveal this when she's vacuuming, she'll be impressed and stunned that you know this secret about women!); and lastly, make a sexual meaning out of every word she says that could possibly be interpreted that way (the article suggests giving a big wink-wink-nudge-nudge if she says her drink is "big," and comment "big can be a good thing, DON'T YOU THINK?").

You know what?

It's articles like these that make me understand why men are often so indignant or confused about their lines not working on me. Men are giving THIS sort of advice to each other to help each other understand women and get laid. Dude, if any of you guys have read the above lists and think any of them are good ideas, smack yourself, please? I hope none of the guys I know would think it's SEXY and APPEALING TO WOMEN if you do stuff like respond to a woman's complaint about the restaurant table being wet with "Well, let's hope that's not the last wet thing we'll encounter tonight!" I mean who wrote this? A third-grade boy? A third-grade boy who doesn't even have sisters? WHO could ever use ridiculous lines like they suggest and really think women respond to this sort of crap?

And while I normally would not advocate any kind of body shaming, if some guy tried to do this to me, maybe I would see what I could do to try to make HIM insecure . . . about the thing that apparently matters so much more than women's basic dignity. I submit for your approval:

My TOP TEN Subtle Ways to Tell Him His Penis Isn't Big Enough:

10. Leave magazines featuring men with giant dongs in subtle places, like in the bathroom. Make him worry that that's what you're fantasizing about.

9. Sign his e-mail address up for all the websites that'll spam him with "increase your penis size!" mails so he's forced to think about it every time he opens his inbox.

8. Leave a catalog of sex toys open to a page featuring vibrators. Circle the biggest one on the page and make sure to mark the extra-large category.

7. Make comments about penis size around him in front of girl friends. Have a laugh about how there have to be some guys with smaller wangs to balance out those porn stars, and give your mate a furtive glance whenever you make reference to little willies.

6. Buy condoms in the smallest size available. Leave them on his pillow with an innocent little note claiming you're so happy you were able to find his size. If necessary, subtly modify the package to draw attention to its being the "Junior Size" or something similar.

5. Suggestively fondle phallic vegetables when you're both in the supermarket. When he stares wondering what you're doing, just sigh and say "Oh, I'm just thinking about how nice it would be if Nature had been so kind to ALL its creatures. . . ."

4. For an anniversary, birthday, or holiday gift, buy him a penis pump.

3. Just before sex, instead of assuming the position, suddenly shift into a meditation stance with your legs crossed. When he demands an explanation, tell him to hang on while you try something you read about in Cosmo; it's a new exercise which will tighten your vaginal muscles and give the ILLUSION that your mate has a bigger piece. Go on about how much better the experience will be for you.

2. Get a catalog that that offers size-enhancing herbal supplements, pills, and/or creams. Leaf through it in front of him (preferably during a very in-your-face situation, like while you're both at the dinner table), and comment about how your girl friends claim those things don't work. Say things like "It sure is too bad" or "I dunno, wanna do our own experiment?" or even "Well, it couldn't really make it WORSE, could it?"

1. Comment casually that he shouldn't feel bad about having a small one because after all, it's how you wiggle your worm! Do this in front of his friends, and try to make it seem like your point is to brag about how good he is in bed despite being so disadvantaged.

[No, I don't condone doing any of these things. But I think I've made my point.]

Pedro: The sad bit is YOUR list would totally work on myself and a few of the men I know...