Subj: do you model?
From: BayAreaFilms
To: Ivy

[Yeah, actually, that was it. The headers were the entire e-mail; there was no body. The whole text of the e-mail was that subject line. So, I responded, in even fewer words.]

Subj: Re: do you model?
From: Ivy
To: BayAreaFilms

Subj: do you model?

Nope.

[Now a response, but not really.]

Subj: Re: do you model?
From: BayAreaFilms
To: SwankiVY2

how old?

[Good lord. Well, I humored him.]

Subj: Re: do you model?
From: Ivy
To: BayAreaFilms

how old?

I'm 25 . . . why are you asking me if I model?

[Deciding to stretch his conversation skills, the guy interacted with me using more than three words:]

Subj: Re: do you model?
From: BayAreaFilms
To: Ivy

cuz i am looking for new talent and thought you had an awesome look.

[Obviously if he's seen me, he's been to my website. And obviously he didn't look at anything but the pictures if he thinks I'd want to be a model. Nevertheless, I attempted to be kind.]

Subj: Re: do you model?
From: Ivy
To: BayAreaFilms

I wouldn't consider myself "talent" as far as modeling goes, and don't know what "look" you're talking about . . . plus I'm only 4'11", I doubt anything to do with modeling would fit me.

[Obviously he doesn't understand what a brush-off is.]

Subj: Re: do you model?
From: BayAreaFilms
To: Ivy

of course there is. its not always about the way you look. its about being sexy on film. and you are definitely sexy

[So, besides the fact that "of course there is" doesn't even respond to anything I said, it seems now he's trying to expand my poor self-esteem and tell me how sexy I am, despite the fact that he's never even seen me moving. What the hell does he know? Well. I attempted to brush him off again.]

Subj: Re: do you model?
From: Ivy
To: BayAreaFilms

Not interested in sex or sexiness, but thanks for asking.

[Well, you'll see in his next e-mail how he decided to let me know he knows better than I do what I think.]

Subj: Re: do you model?
From: BayAreaFilms
To: Ivy

sure you are. what dummy would pass up $125k/yr?

[Sure I am what? Sure I am interested in sex and sexiness? Whatever you say buddy, but REGARDLESS of whether you can offer up $125k/yr (doubtful):]

Subj: Re: do you model?
From: Ivy
To: BayAreaFilms

Money has nothing to do with it I'm afraid. I never wanted to make a career out of my body even if I *could* succeed at it. I'm a writer and that's my passion--I doubt doing anything that can be described as "modeling" would be fulfilling for me.

[Well obviously I'm ignorant, as evidenced by the next mail.]

Subj: Re: do you model?
From: BayAreaFilms
To: Ivy

sure it would. it would open more doors for you to write storylines and scripts

[That's right, you hear all kinds of things about doors being opened for satellite cable "models" writing SCRIPTS, as if that's what I wanted to do anyway. The guy just doesn't seem to understand that not everyone who could be a model particularly wants to, and then automatically starts trying to get me to think I could succeed in my life's work by "being sexy on camera."]

[Notice how I'm no longer trying to be particularly tactful.]

Subj: Re: do you model?
From: SwankiVY2
To: Ivy

That's not what I write, and it's just not remotely in the ballpark for what I do, so I think this subject is officially dropped.

[He doesn't understand what "drop it" means.]

Subj: Re: do you model?
From: BayAreaFilms
To: Ivy

ok so lets fawk for fun. i know you get around so it shouldnt be a problem

[Yeah, I know a lot of talent scouts who hit people up for sex on the Internet. I wonder in WHAT universe the response to this is a shy but lustful "Well, okay, you've got my number . . . where do you live?"]

[Denied.]

Subj: Re: do you model?
From: SwankiVY2
To: BayAreaFilms

That is not even a remote possibility. I don't think any fun I could have could possibly include someone who makes that sort of suggestion. I am quite over this thank you.

[I blocked him from my mailbox at that point.]

[But I dunno, man, that modeling offer sure sounded tempting, I mean, a possibility of writing SCRIPTS that have NOTHING to do with my current writing, which would somehow be accepted by publishers because I bared my naked body on TV . . . I can tell you, I really almost took that deal and ran with it, snacking along the way on the free sex on the side.]

[What can I say, I'm star-struck.]