My Record of Work: The Annoying, the Interesting, and the Just Plain Weird--The Year 2005.

11/30/05

A guy came up and began his request with, "Can you help me find the Harry Potter books?" Of course that is a very easy request, and as I put away the last of the books I was holding and opened my mouth to answer him, he kept going. "They're by J.K. . . . Rowser or something. They're children's books?" Obviously surprised that someone would think they need to give me more information on a question like this (especially "they're children's books"!!!!), I replied, "Um, I know Harry Potter!" and promptly took him to Kids' Fiction under J.K. Rowling. I kind of hung around dazedly for a moment asking him if he wanted any other help, because I was thinking perhaps he'd have more things to say that would be entertaining, but he was just pleasant and normal after that so I left him alone.

Vair vair weird.

A woman came up and asked me if we had any advent calendars. I told her I had yet to see one in the store but decided to look at the selection with her again, and took her to the beginning of the calendars display where we have some unusual calendars like shit you can write in and magnetic crap and stuff. As usual, there were no advent calendars.

"Well my friend had told me that you could get one HERE," she said firmly in her accented voice, and I told her (in order to try and bolster my authority on the subject) that in the years I've worked here I haven't actually seen us get advent calendars. After informing me again that her friend SAID she could get one here (because, as we all know, people ALWAYS know exactly what they are talking about and never say one store's name when they actually mean another store's), she gave me a suspicious look and asked me if I even knew what an advent calendar was. Guess that must be the problem--I don't know what they are, so how can I lead you to them? ARGH.

This is my SIXTH Christmas in retail. I know what a damn advent calendar is.

Tell me if, when reading this lady's request, you can figure out what the hell she could be talking about.

"Do you have the books for the story readers?"

Obviously I asked for clarification. It turned out she owned some kind of reading aid machine that she was generically calling a "story reader" and wanted to know if I carried the electronic books for it even though she didn't really even know what it was called except that it was a story reader. I told her we had stuff for Leap Pad but if it wasn't Leap Pad we didn't have it. She just said okay and went away.

I think in asking clear questions people just need to learn to listen to themselves and ask themselves whether someone who isn't inside their skull could discern the meaning of their words.

11/29/05

A woman came up wanting to know where a certain book was and I took her to where it is supposed to be. There was only another book by the author there, and I told her if we had it it should have been next to that one. She was one of those annoying people who doesn't respond to me saying that because I guess they think something else is going to come out of my mouth after that that means "oh wait, I lied, we do have it." So I just asked her if she wanted to order it. "So you don't have it?" she asked predictably, and I said it looks that way, repeating that if we had it it was supposed to be right there next to, ya know, the OTHER book by the same author. Her silence and facial expression after that told me that she was wondering why I couldn't have told if we had it or not by looking at the computer, so I launched into the explanation that the computer says what we carry but cannot tell us what is physically in the store, it has no inventory. And yet again, from the look on her face as she opened her mouth, I knew exactly what she was going to say, and I was right:

"Well if your COMPUTER doesn't have the INVENTORY on it, how do you know when to order MORE?"

::sigh::

Yeah, you got me lady. I'm lying. My computer tells me we're supposed to have it, but actually I just don't want to look anywhere else for it because I am lazy or incompetent.

No actually, I explained that when something is bought at the register, we get another one soon afterwards. There's no counting mechanism on the customer service computer, just an accounting of which titles we carry, not how many. After declining my offer to order it and telling me primly, "I will be checking with YOUR COMPETITORS," she left me alone.

A woman came up holding a calendar and asked to know how much it is. "There are NO numbers whatsoever on that thing," she said, obviously miffed. I immediately found the price and told her what it was, and then she demanded to know where it said that. I showed her, attempting to make her feel less like a jerk by saying it was "itty-bitty, way down at the bottom." Problem was, she still didn't see it, and said some stuff insinuating I was making it up but she wasn't going to argue. Then she started doing the things that customers do when they've assumed we can ring them up at Customer Service, so I told her she'd have to go to one of the other two places with a register. To this, she complained, "THAT doesn't make ANY SENSE!!" and went off shaking her head. Well, I for one think it makes sense that there is one place to ask questions and another place to buy things, so that not all the customers who need help are in the same small area of the store, but don't ask me. If it was up to her, all employees would have miniature registers in their aprons. Or their assholes.

Someone came up all disgruntled that she could not find the book S is for Silence and got all peeved that she'd already CHECKED in the new arrivals section and IT WASN'T THERE. Having not yet been asked for this book by a famous author in my memory, I strongly suspected it was yet to be released, and confirmed by looking it up that its release is next week. "But I want it now!" she whined, and then went away. Hehehee. I love watching adults have temper tantrums.

And speaking of temper tantrums, I was in the back room taking care of something, and when I was done I ventured forth. I was informed by an associate who was on her way to the register with money that I had a customer waiting at the desk--she couldn't help them herself because, well, she had a cash drawer. Not happening. So I went up there to help the lady and she greeted me nicely enough but then she said, "You didn't HEAR me ringing the bell??"

Look, I do apologize that you have to wait for service sometimes DURING THE CHRISTMAS SEASON but honestly, I'm not going to just hear the bell and ignore it. What kind of question is that? There is no goddamn constructive way that could have been meant. Basically, she just said to me, "Where the fuck were you? I wanted help and you were obviously ignoring me." GUESS WHAT? If you ring a bell and no one comes, it's unlikely that it's because the employees heard and didn't feel like it--either they DIDN'T hear (ahem . . . out of range, behind a door on the other side of the building!) or they were busy with someone ELSE (that's happened to me plenty of times too!). I admit it's unprofessional to have no one on the floor who can help even if it's just for a moment, but you know what? It happens. Chill out. It's a HUGE store. (You have no idea unless you've been in this thing. It's BIG. Like, grocery store big.) The bell is not a magical make-wench-appear button. It is a signal. And you are just going to have to deal with it if you have to WAIT sometimes. Oh, and don't make shitty comments. No one effing needs that during the holidays.

11/28/05

Today I thought I'd found a creepy weirdo.

I was walking by the kids' section and I swore I saw some lady standing by the back wall sticking her head down into the books like she was trying to read them really closely. When I stopped to take a closer look, it became clear that apparently she was . . . SNIFFING the books.

What the HELL? I thought.

And then finally I realized she was indeed sniffing the books, but there was nothing particularly bizarre about it.

She was in the Strawberry Shortcake section.

Yeah. Those books are scratch-and-sniff.

Hahahaha.

A dude was in line at Customer Service behind some lady I was helping. After I finished helping her, he came up and just kinda stood there holding his magazines lookin' at me. I'm like, huh-what? And he goes and tries to hand me his pornos sideways and says, "Ring me up?" Nope. Take your porn to the register please.

Some dude came in to buy a bunch of shit and then forgot his debit card in his car. He told the cashier he'd be back but then he just abandoned his stuff for a while. Then I was running a break and up this dude came, and it turned out he was the one who'd left his magazines here and gone to get his card like, two hours ago or something. I didn't see any magazines sitting at the register waiting for his return, so I went and asked the other cashier (who was cleaning the bathroom) where they were. She said she'd come out and get them in a sec, soon as she was done. I came out and told the dude what she said, and he agreed to wait but then he sighed and said, "WHAT a pain." What a pain?? I think it's more of a PAIN that you came in to buy shit, forgot your damn money, and then didn't come back when you said you would. I mean, she stood there and kept his transaction on the screen for fifteen minutes before she was forced by circumstance (i.e., other customers needing to get checked out) to take it out of the register, and she went to put the mags back after she was thinking he wasn't going to come back. I think there is a pain happening here, but it isn't US. . . .

"I'm looking for books by Donny Deutsch," said my customer. But the above listing shows "Donny Deutsch" spelled correctly. Since it was an unusual name and he didn't know the title of his book, I asked him how to spell the author's last name, and he replied, "Oh, um, well it's D . . . I don't know. D . . . o? D-o-i?" So my first thought was that it probably wasn't spelled like the German word for German. But none of his suggestions worked, and he just kept repeating that he was this investor guy or something (yeah, that helps, tell the computer he's "the investor guy"), so after telling him we don't have Internet access when he suggested I just try doing a Google search, he pulled out some kind of 'Net accessible gizmo and started trying to find it himself. I decided to try my hunch that perhaps it was spelled like the Germans spell it, and lo and behold, there was a Donny Deutsch. The question is, what would these people DO with themselves if they met a retail chick who didn't know these things? I mean, spelling is kind of important.

A woman came up and wanted a Harry Potter box set. "What do you want to be in the box set?" I asked, since, ya know, there are six books in hardback and paperback (well, not the most recent one, but you know) and she could want any combination of that. "I don't know," she said, "just anything." At that I had to explain all that shit, and she picked a none of the above answer: "Yeah, well, I want all of them to be in the set. In paperback." Book six isn't OUT in paperback yet. That's why I didn't offer that one. C'mon people, I need you to be specific and pay attention. I'm trying to help you here.

A woman came to the register, plopped down a 9-in-1 For Dummies reference book for Excel 2003, and said, "Are all the books in the store ON SALE?" I told her everything's 10% off with the discount card but there's no special sale otherwise. "I'll just have to go read that sign up there more CLOSELY then," she grumbled. "Now. About this book. I want a book JUST LIKE THIS." She eyed me. "But for half the price."

Yeah! Lemme wave my little wand and change the price tag!

Instead of performing magic, I took her back to the computer section, where her insistence that she'd "already looked ALL THROUGH THERE" revealed that she "didn't go back THIS far." (You know, to the business applications section, where all the Excel books are.) There she insisted she wanted a book for 15 bucks "or less," and I only found two on the subject that lived up to that specification and both were sort of "quick reference" books. Let's put it this way: If you want a computer reference book that's going to teach you how to do something and you're the type who NEEDS the book to be "For Dummies," you're going to pay at least 20 or 25 bucks. There isn't any getting around that.

11/27/05

Some lady called and gave me one of those titles that comes up with multiple hits by multiple authors. I told her I needed more info to see if the one she wanted was here because there was more than one author who'd written a book with that title, and she replied, "Uh . . . well which one's newest?" She obviously had no idea. ::sigh:: Then she asked me where on Archer Road we are. Too bad we're not on Archer Road. That's Barnes & Noble.

I helped a lady who wanted a hard-to-find book. "I'm sorry," I told her. "This book isn't something we carry at the store, and it's not even carried by our warehouse. If we TRY to order it, the availability's not guaranteed, and it could be 3 to 5 weeks before we even find out if we can get it from the publisher. Do you want to try anyway?" This little speech was regarded with stunned silence for a moment before the woman replied, "Well . . . and you don't have any IN the store?"

Do the math, lady. I just said we don't carry it. I just said our warehouse doesn't carry it. I just made it abundantly clear that it's probably going to be a wild goose chase to get this book, but you think I need to be prompted to check . . . this very bookstore's shelves? I'm really getting sick of this kind of foolishness.

11/25/05

Let's have a moment of silence for us poor fools who had to work Black Friday.

Somehow I weaseled out of it the last like four years, but this year my manager gave me little choice, so I dressed in black and came in. 6 AM. We opened at 7. No one really noticed. We finally started getting busy around maybe 1, and I got off at 2:30, so hey, it really wasn't bad. I only had two Assholes and only one of them happened to me.

Mine wasn't that bad. It was a woman who called me and was like, "Someone called me from that number?" And I'm like, okay, well, what do you want me to do? "Well, someone called me from there. My name is Jerkfuck Annoyingberg?" What is with people who call every number on their caller ID anyway? If we want something and it's important, we'll call back, okay? I mean, if you were expecting someone to call or have some idea who at this number might've called or why, now is a really good time to tell me!

So then when I told her I didn't know what she wanted me to do because I don't know who would have called her in this store and why, she said without explanation, "Well maybe it was my kids? Hang on, here they are. Hold on, I'll be right back." She then proceeded to put the phone down, talk incoherently to someone in the background, come back, and hang up on me. Don't bother to give me an explanation or anything--it's not a real person's time you're wasting, after all, it's just a retail girl.

Fuuuuuuck you. In exchange for your rudeness, you receive instant Internet fame! Congrats!

The other was an Asshole sighting by one of the girls who was regrettably forced to work register. A customer whipped out a $15 gift card and wanted to use it toward her purchase, but when the balance was checked, it didn't have a full fifteen bucks on it. The cashier figured, hey, must've been used before, and went ahead and cleared the card, putting all its money toward the purchase and then telling the customer what the difference was so they could cough up. But then came the funny part.

"But that card was worth fifteen dollars!"

The cashier told her it had been used before, so had less money than it started with.

"You don't understand. The LAST time I used that card it was worth $15!"

Unable to understand that the value actually goes DOWN when you, ya know, SPEND the credit on it, the customer got upset and wanted to complain to Corporate about how her gift card was not a limitless magical goodies card. Sure, it's worth fifteen bucks *every time you come in*! It's infinite!

11/24/05

YES, we're open. But we shouldn't be, so GO HOME!

As you can see I worked Thanksgiving. It was mostly a totally dead day, but I earn a nice whole extra personal day (like a free vacation day!) for working it, so I opted to do so and have a nice low-key day in return for getting a whole extra day off some other time. Especially since our family did Thanksgiving a day early. :)

So I mostly spent the day drawing this week's issue of my comic . . . but I did have a few customers, and therefore I had the opportunity for Assholes.

Really I only had one, and it was more of a fanatic weirdo person than an Asshole. A woman noticed "my pendant" (er, it's a pentacle) and said, "I noticed your pendant. So. Are you Jewish or do you worship the devil?"

I couldn't exactly just let that one go.

I told her I'd take option C on that, thank you very much.

She persisted, asking me what option C was. I simplified things and told her I practice an Earth religion. She babbled on about how she read about that in a magazine article and she saw something like about "harm none." I told her that was very familiar. Yeah. From that point on she commented on almost everything else I was wearing, from my purple hair kerchief to my brown jumper. Oh, and told me I had gorgeous hair. I wonder if she would have commented on my straight teeth and sexy ass if she'd have been there long enough?

Surprisingly enough, she said nothing about my ears, which is not normal with those kinds of people. Heh. Today the employees were talking about me being the "store pixie," and one of the new guys asked if I had "Spock ears" and tried to touch one of them. One of the other employees told him he'd better not 'cause I have to deal with that enough from the customers during the holiday season.

Internal crappiness: Check out this sign!

11/22/05

A girl called and asked if a book she put on hold was still on hold. I told her it was and she hung up. But then she called back and said she wanted to send her mom to get it, and wanted to know if that was okay. I told her it really did NOT matter who picked it up as long as they knew what name to say, but she seemed to think it was a lot more complicated and started asking all these questions leading up to how would she be able to get the book if we IDed her and she isn't the right person? Girl, we did not have you put in a written request signed in triplicate to hold the book. I doubt it is like immigration trying to be allowed to buy it. Yes, your mom can come in and get the book even if it's under your name! We don't care! We just took it off the shelf for God's sake! I should have played along and made her pretend to go through a formal process of relinquishing her claim on the book and then restoring it to hold status under her mother's name. That woulda been funny.

A woman called and wanted this book called When Genius Failed to be held for her and she spelled the word "genius" for me. I guess she must have thought genius failed in my case. From there she went on to tell me the author, spell his name, tell me it was a paperback, and start describing the cover ("it looks like a dollar bill!"). I told her I didn't need her to keep giving me information because I already had everything I needed when she gave me the title and was looking for it on the shelf. Even after I had it in my hand and was telling her so, she was trying to ascertain that we were talking about the same book by continuing to describe it and repeating the author's name to me, and then spelling it again after I confirmed that the author was the same as the one she wanted.

When the hell did finding a book get so complicated?

11/21/05

First of all, let's get this out of the way: We had a Mr. Wise sighting. The man is still not dead.

I acted the role of first contact today when he called to ask if we had Jimmy Carter's new book. I recognized his voice right away and decided to see if I could get through a phone call with the man without him hanging up on me (considering the last four times were unsuccessful). He wanted to know if we had it and he wanted to know the price. I gave him all the information about the discount and he asked questions like anyone and pretty much behaved himself, but then he started being a nutsack again and asked me where he should pick the book up.

This man has made it a point to complain about picking up books at a different desk than the one he pays at every single time he comes in. HE KNOWS he has to come to Customer Service to get the book and then go back to the register to pay for it. HE ALREADY KNOWS THAT, but yet he MUST ask because it is part of how he makes his point that he doesn't LIKE how we do things.

So I told him we would hold it at the desk in the middle, and that it was because that's the only place we're allowed to hold books. I thought maybe that'd shut him up. But instead, it caused him to erupt into a stream of protests that he could not understand me, and then a really whiny-sounding repeat of the question. Hey asshole, it's YOU who didn't understand ME, so why am I getting the question repeated? Dickface.

So then he started rambling about how books cost too much money but that he would make an exception for good old Jimmy Carter because Jimmy Carter is just a wonderful man. Okay! Well, I told him I'd hold the effing book and he could come in whenever. He said it might be four days from now but might be today. Whatever.

I didn't end up seeing him because he came in while I was on break (thank the gods), but I got to hear all the stories. He came in in his pajamas and whined about his problem with his discount card--apparently it keeps saying his card's expired, and we totally know we renewed it (well, our general manager renewed it), because it's not like we forget when he comes in the store or what he does. So he felt compelled to whine about that for a while, and then he went home and called us again, interrupting my spiel to demand the store manager. Well, we had three store managers there and I figured I didn't want to put it on the "new guy" and I was afraid the general manager would take shit off him that she shouldn't stand for, so I got our hard-ass assistant manager to pick up and deal with his ass.

Weirdly, I think he made a new friend.

She explained that the problem was already being taken care of in response to his temper tantrum at the register earlier, and the two of them had a nice chat about technology's pointlessness and how everything invented since the wheel has been nothing but trouble. I think they yakked for about ten minutes. I was trying to listen in because it was really funny, but she didn't get mad or anything, she just knew exactly what to say. Apparently then he asked how old she was and she said she's fifty-one (he's eighty, by the way), and she replied, "Oh yeah, I feel awfully old next to all these kids we hire, but next to you, I'm a whippersnapper." Hahaha.

After the conversation was finally over, we all stood around sharing Mr. Wise stories, and the AGM began offering explanations for why he's such an asshat. "He's just an old, crusty, old man who doesn't care what you think of him because he's old." "Say 'old' a few more times," I suggested, and she replied, "Old. Old." She then talked about her own old crustiness helping her understand what he's getting at, and I said I hadn't really seen much crust on her at all. "Then put me back in the toaster!" she replied.

The best by far was hearing a story from another associate who got him on the telephone ordering a book sometime a couple weeks ago. It was called Your Call Is Important To Us: The Truth About Bullshit. While ordering it, she asked him the usual questions that she needed answered to order the book, and at the end of it he said, "THIS is the kind of bullshit I'm talking about, all these questions you ask. The only thing you DIDN'T ask me is HOW MANY TIMES I FUCKED MY WIFE!"

Yeah sure. Jeez.

Oh yeah, and right after we stopped talking about Mr. Wise, we got a customer asking for a new book on the Kennedy assassination, and my AGM had issues typing it in. "It'd help if I could SPELL," she said. In reference to the word "assassination," she said out loud, "ass-ass!" To which I replied, "What a coincidence that we'd be typing that in right after talking about Mr. Wise."

Hardee har.

Okay. On with the non-Wise Assholes.

Argh. A couple of ladies came in and decided to reveal their Christmas wishes to me very slowly and painfully and with as little helpful information as possible. One of them wanted a new book put out by National Geographic, but of course had no idea what it was called or what constitutes "new." And since I told her she didn't have enough information, her reply was to repeat that it was new and put out by National Geographic several thousand more times. Beyond that, they both did the thing where they'd ask me a question, I'd go try to help them find the book, and then they'd reveal they had another question when we'd already walked away from the computer. Okay, stop right there. Give me ALL your questions while I am at the desk and can answer them, and THEN we can walk. Does that make sense? It sure makes sense to my feet. I said something funny to them when they were leaving; one of them commented, "I could spend all DAY in here!" I replied, "I often do." They thought it was hilarious.

A very funny woman called and all she knew about her title was that it was about ducks. She proceeded to tell me the plot and remind me that it was a children's book about eight times. I told her I was the specialist but I didn't recognize that, and that she needed a title or an author for me to go on from there. "I don't remember the title, it's Ducks something . . . Ducks-A-Million?" She quickly told me that wasn't the title and she just couldn't remember it except that it was "Duck something." I told her straight out that without a title or an author I could NOT help her. It was then that she revealed that her friend had a copy and "maybe" she should just call her and find out its title. Oh really? Why not do that beFORE you, ya know, call and ASK for the damn thing?

She did indeed call back and the book was Make Way For Ducklings. I'm sure I would have found it, though, if I had just tried looking for the book "Ducks-A-Million."

The weirdo lady from 11/16/05 called again today, and kind of picked up where she left off about coming in for her book on the 30th of the month. She rambled on about how she got a call but she wouldn't be here 'til the 30th and could I put a note on it and lalalala. And I already told her when she ordered it that coming in on the 30th was fine since it was well within the two-week pickup period we allow for ordered books. She just wouldn't listen to me; she had her mission set in her mind that she was going to call and explain it very thoroughly to me so that I understood that she was coming on the 30th. I tried everything . . . I tried telling her she was talking to the same person who helped her when she ordered it, I tried explaining that it was fine then and it's fine now, I tried telling her that there already WAS a note on it and it was all fine and good that she was coming on the 30th, but nothing derailed her. She told me she would be here on the 30th about six more times and finally was satisfied. WTF?

A guy on the phone sounded like he was speaking Martian when he said his book title--there was this word I couldn't make out that sounded like "Mo-Sart." Eventually when he spelled it it turned out he meant "Mozart" and was mispronouncing it. Then another book he wanted was this book I'm already familiar with called ABSolution, it's like, ya know, a play on "Abs-Solution" and it's about working your abdominal muscles. I get it. Explaining to this man that I already understood what he was talking about did not stop him from repeatedly spelling it and then trying to express to me that it wasn't just the word "absolution" but rather "AB" and then "Solution" etc. etc., oh God, he tried explaining it to me so many ways like he thought I was having trouble finding it. I didn't get why he kept doing that when I was already giving him the information about the book. I had to interrupt him and explain that I knew the book already, it was an exercise book about abs, I didn't need more explanation about the title being a play on words or something. Really, let me handle it. I will let YOU know when I am confused. Like I was with your "Mo-Sart."

Ah, this winner: A guy came to Customer Service and demanded of our café girl (who was doing orders) that he be checked out. She explained that he should go to Checkout and he barked, "Well there ISN'T anybody OVER there," and said he'd tried Café too and there wasn't anyone THERE and he's just trying to PAY for this. Apparently this guy was one of those people who won't go to the counter and wait so that we know he needs help; they like to wander, repeatedly glance at the counter, and then claim they've been waiting for ten minutes and never saw anyone. If you'd actually go to the register like you were ready for assistance, the girl who is stocking the nearby shelf over there would probably be able to distinguish you from the dozens of other customers who are walking by in the area still not ready to check out. Anyway, the café girl told him that he should go back to Checkout and that she saw someone walking over there right now. "It's PROBABLY another CUSTOMER," he snotted before walking off. No, actually, it's the cashier, putting up books like she's supposed to be until someone comes up for help. . . .

Ass.

And my coworker had a winner in the store recently: A guy who knew nothing about the book except that it had an M and a B in it. Okay. What's really amazing about this is that she managed to find his book! She asked him what genre it was, and at his blank look, she repeated the question using "category" instead of "genre." He still didn't know what to say so she started suggesting things, and he rejected romance, western ("my DAD reads that stuff!" he interjected), and general fiction before agreeing with her that it was actually poetry. And the perception that there was "an M and a B in it" was actually a botched understanding of the author's first name or something. Okay, if you say so.

11/20/05

We had this real batshit lady walking around talking to herself today. She spent several hours in the store and she would occasionally walk up to an employee and start rambling to them about what she wanted, though somehow I managed to avoid her. Sort of. She wanted some particular hard-to-find coloring book and hadn't been able to find what she wanted so my manager was trying to help her find something she could make photocopies of or something. And the whole time she was just being a pain in the ass and repeating everything over and over. Now, what I heard her do was this: I was sitting on the floor cleaning some endcap fixtures when she came a little nearer to me than I would have liked and began making her mumbling louder as if she was talking to me, but not looking at me or asking questions. "It's been a WHILE since I've been in here," she said, to the air. "But I do shop here quite often. I have a card, you know. I have a card, a Blockbuster card?" Lady, if that is the case then please go rent a movie and LEAVE, because the way you keep talking to displays of books instead of people really creeps me out.

A woman described to me an item that I don't remember carrying and said that we USED to have it, describing for me the way it was displayed. From the way it sounded, it could not have been our store; she was describing shelves that we don't DO at this store, and I know I've never had some independent fixture that featured paper doll books faced out. After I told her we didn't have what she wanted, she replied again, "Well you USED to!" Later in the conversation (while I was helping her with something else), she told me that actually it was Barnes & Noble that had these things. I guess I need to have them because Barnes & Noble does or used to.

One of our cashiers had to use the rarely used fourth register, which really looks like it's in a corner away from everything, and people are always surprised when they're asked to go there to check out. It's kinda annoying. But then this one guy took his comments too far; our cashier said, "I can take you down here," and he commented, "Guess you should've had a shower this morning!" She didn't find it funny. I probably would have demanded he smell my pit or something. I don't know.

Beyond that, we didn't have much crappiness going on, but I found something really funny. Someone at the store told me to do a search in the customer database of discount card holders for the phone number (666) 666-6666. My guess is that people all through the chain would sometimes use such a number to sign up a person for a card who was being a jerk refusing to take one when it was free or made their purchase cost less. That always sucks for us when the person won't take it because they're jerks and they don't understand that paying ten bucks to save fifteen equals saving money, there's no catch. And that means we lose our 50˘ spiff and our percentage looks like crap because they wouldn't take a free card. So . . . some people make up a pretend name, address, and phone number, save the customer money without them knowing it, and "sell" them one.

Here are my favorite pretend discount card holders throughout the company with phone number (666) 666-6666.

SATAN, Demonicus	Dallas, TX
POONTANG, Varmit	Anytown, KY
BUTTMUNCHER, Amanda	Pandemonium, LA
SUCKS, K	Pen15, VA
BUTTLUST, Wingnut	Valdosta, GA
DIABLO, Seniorita	Hot Springs, AR
BRAUN-HITLER, Eva	Hell, NY
LUCIFER, Satan	Devils Den, AZ
BUDDERNUTZ, Doctor	Shittyville, CA
MY BALLS, Eat	Montgomery, AL

I think it's especially funny that someone typed in "Eat My Balls" and it came out in the system as "MY BALLS, Eat."

I wonder if the associates who did these things have any idea that their employee code is attached to their discount card entries and they can be tracked if someone at Home Office wants to know why Doctor Buddernutz in Shittyville is getting a discount card coupon in the mail. . . .

11/19/05

Surprisingly, on a Saturday and this close to Christmas, I had only one Asshole, and she was just obviously not thinking.

"Are you doing your Yu-Gi-Oh! event today?"
"Yes we are!"
"What time does it start?"
"At 2."
"2 . . . PM?"

Yeah assface. We're going to have a children's event at the store during a time when we're not open. In the middle of the night. It makes such perfect sense to ask whether I am talking about the afternoon rather than the fucking dead of the night. What's worse is that she actually waited for my answer. WTF?

11/16/05

I knew I was in trouble when I said the usual spiel and was confronted by a person asking what store this was (which is part of the spiel). Oh God.

So this lady wanted to order a book, and what is usually a simple several-step process turned into an all-out confusion fest for her. It all started when I asked her if she'd ever ordered with us before. This matters only because it's a choice between either put in a new entry for a new customer or look her up in the system and add it to her account. It doesn't really matter. But as soon as I said that she kept waffling about whether she has ordered before and saying she thought she had a few years ago. I told her that was fine and started putting in her info but she kept interrupting the process by rambling more about how she's sure she's ordered with us before, but then she's not sure, and that she is definitely a regular customer. I'm like, okay, doesn't matter, next question, what's your frickin' phone number. I kept going and then she interrupted me again talking about how she had a discount card and she shops here all the time but she's not sure she's ever ordered anything before. IT'S OKAY. I DON'T CARE. LEAVE IT ALONE. She finally dropped that but then her rambling subject was how she was going to come in for the book on the 30th of this month. I told her that was fine because it would be getting here the 27th. But then she had to say that five times and repeatedly ask me if that was all right. And ended the conversation reminding me that she would be in on the 30th and asking if I would "put a little note on it." Jeeeesus.

A woman called about a book and after looking it up I informed her that we didn't carry it. "Well, could you please tell me what other bookstores in town would carry it?" she replied. Oh yeah, see here on my company screen for MY bookstore it shows OTHER STORES' INVENTORIES, that makes perfect sense. I know she was only asking me for a recommendation but it really pisses me off that people ask me what other frickin' stores would have when they just experienced me having to use a computer to even find out if MY store had it.

A lady wanted me to show her "the dog section" so I walked her to Pets and showed her, and predictably she was looking for a PARTICULAR book and couldn't have been bothered to mention it when we were back at the desk and could have looked it up. Also she said that the author of the book was "Bauer" (that was how she pronounced it, like "bow-er") and then said it was spelled "b-a-e-r." That doesn't make sense. It turned out to be a book we didn't even carry, so browsing through the section wouldn't have helped.

A lady called about a certain book and we could order only the paperback; the hardback was out of print. After finding out only the paperback was available, she said, "Well, is it just like the book?" I was like huh? Turned out she thought a "paperback" was somehow different than its hardcover counterpart for some reason. ::shrug::

A woman came up to me holding the Licorice box set from American Girl, and she said, "Let me ask you a question. Is this too young?" Nice opening line, lady. How about you tell me how frickin' old the kid you're buying it for, and I'll tell you if it's appropriate.

Okay, so this lady with loud children came up to me demanding that I help her find "this book, it has a music box in it?" I showed her a couple things but they weren't right, it had to be an actual book with like a crank at the bottom that you turn to make music, it wasn't a box. I told her that I had several things that were music boxes, but nothing of that description. She was actually looking for a certain one, too, and had no idea what it was called.

Later her wild kids were running around the store with our joke Santa hats on (they have sort of a ring of white fur to go around your head, and then a red spring thing on top with a puffy white ball, they're real cute). And later, surprise, I found one in the toilet in the women's room! Gee I wonder who did that. Probably the same person who ripped the top off the soap dispenser in the handicapped stall, put it on the women's room counter, and left it in a puddle of liquid soap. Someone at the register told me that she was in a real hurry to get out of the store at the register too, she wouldn't even wait for her change. Gotta get out before they see what my kids wrecked of your merchandise, after all--they might make me pay for what I ruined by letting it get chucked into the potty while my kids were being hooligans!

I said "hooligans." Does that mean I'm officially old? ***

11/15/05

I heard my name paged over the intercom, so I came out of the back room where I had been talking to the manager about an order. As soon as I exited the back room doors I heard this frantic, constant ringing of the customer service bell! I was like, hell if I'm going to RUN or something to help someone who's so rude that they'll ring the bell like that, so I just walked at my normal quick pace, but then someone interrupted me with a question and some other associate ended up helping the horrible rude man so I don't know what he wanted that was so goddamn important. I found out later that he'd gone to the register, tried to ask his question, and then seemed grumpy about having to go to the other desk to get his answer, and that as soon as he'd had time to get over there he'd begun ringing the bell over and over again until the same girl who'd helped him at the register came running over to help. I'm just glad it wasn't me because I don't think I could have kept in my disgust.

I helped a woman with a couple legitimate questions in the kids' section and then she asked me a doozy. "Oh, and where are the softcover books?" I asked what she was looking for and she goes, "You know, the little softcover books? For kids?" I told her there were softcover books in every section of the kids' section and that I needed her to be more specific. She replied, "Oh, well you know, like for Halloween I got this one about a lady who ate a bat or something? Stuff like that." She just didn't seem to understand that "softcover books" is not a description that only applies to one kind of books! I ended up having to take her on a mini tour of the kids' section to show her how many different kinds of books qualified as "softcover" before she understood that she needed to at least give me an age group or subject matter.

A woman came up and asked to use the phone, and proceeded to talk to herself over and over because she was panicking over being late to this doctor's appointment and it was affecting her memory of the phone number. She kept talking to herself, addressing herself by name, and when I gave her a piece of paper at her request to write some information down on, the next time I looked at it she had drawn this really horrific angry face on it. Even though I felt bad for her, it was really entertaining too.

A woman asked for a couple of the usual things and then turned to go about her business, but then she turned around again and said, "OH, wait, did you find out about that David King?" I didn't know what she meant and told her so, and she looked at her list and said, "I'm looking for books by David King also." I said I didn't find anything out about him because I wasn't aware that she had been looking for that author, and she replied, "Of course you didn't know, because I didn't tell you yet. Don't you know you're supposed to read my mind?" Heh.

A dude came up to the desk and kind of looked at me weird--he had been waiting in line to ask me a question and then didn't seem at all prepared to do so. Finally he said, "I'm looking for help?" I told him I could help. "I'm looking for help . . . in the store?" I was like, YEEEES? And then he rephrased and it turned out he wanted to work in the store. So I handed him the piece of paper that has our website on it and told him how to apply. He held it and continued to stare at me blankly. Finally he went away and the next person came up. It was a guy from the cognitive disabilities group that comes in sometimes, and his reason for being at the desk was to begin picking up everything at the desk and waving it in my face and saying, "Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, WHAT'S THIS?? WHAT'S THIS??" I wonder if the dude who thought he wanted to apply at our store was dissuaded by that.

A woman came to the desk claiming we only had a couple of audio books by Dan Brown, which seemed unlikely, and so I looked up what she wanted and the computer indicated that we carried the title. So I told her I'd look where it was supposed to be and if we didn't have it we were probably just out. Immediately upon coming to the section I spotted half a shelf of Dan Brown books and it turned out it was because she had spotted the tail end of the group of titles on the next shelf below and thought that must be all there were, not thinking to, ya know, look on the next shelf above. While we were over there and I was helping her try to decide what to get, she asked me what the difference between abridged and unabridged was, and called the books "auto books." I guess she thought they're "auto books," you know, for your car, or maybe because it plays automatically into your head instead of forcing you to move your eyes to pick up the information. She can't read the word "audio."

A woman came up to me with an unlabeled book she'd found on the sale table and asked me how much it was. I looked it up and didn't find a "bargain" price for it, only the regular price, which was typical of hardcover books, almost thirty dollars. I told her so, and she replied, "Okay, well, you can just find out, and I'll be over here looking." She escaped before I could explain that I had in fact already found out. Soon enough she was back, "Did you ever find out?" I told her it was 28 bucks. She replied, "THAT'S no BARGAIN!" That's because it's not a . . . never mind. Never fucking mind.

A guy came up and told me he was looking for a certain title, and someone had just asked me for that title the day before and we didn't have any copies even though we carry the book. When I told the man that, he just nodded pleasantly and replied, "Well, it's called The War Against Christmas. . . . " Um . . . wait, I just SAID we didn't have any copies . . . are you hoping that if you repeat the question, the answer will change?

A woman wanted a book that we didn't have any of, but we usually carried it so the other store might have copies. I asked if she wanted me to call and she asked where the other store was and claimed that she did not want to go to that side of town so she didn't really want me to call. After I told her I could also order it or she could just check around, she reconsidered and said she DID want me to call the other store, but also said she wasn't going to go there if they had it. I didn't understand, obviously, and asked her why she wanted me to call and ask if they had it if she wasn't planning to go get it if they did. She replied nonsensically that she just wanted me to call and find out if they had it but not to bother holding it. Then she walked away like that was settled. I kinda felt like a jerk calling but figured she might come back and demand to know whether I called, so I went ahead and called them and even though she'd instructed me not to have it held I told them to hold the one copy they had under MY name. When the lady did indeed come back and ask about it, I told her my name and that it was being held under that, and said if she didn't get over to get it it'd just get put back in a few days, no big deal. She seemed really thankful for some reason. I wondered why she couldn't have just been clear about what the hell she wanted anyway.

A woman wanted three books that all had to do with the same illness. I carried two of them and had to order one, so I just ordered the one we didn't carry and then tried to help her find the other two. Of course they both ended up being out of stock so eventually I added them to her order, but before that happened she managed to make my list by repeatedly suggesting other sections the book could be in even though my computer tells me which section they're supposed to be in and there isn't any wiggle room. At one point I thought I'd remembered the author wrong on one of the books but I'd remembered it right, and ended up just idly commenting that I hadn't realized both books were by the same author. "Oh yeah, I think they're all by the same author," she commented. "I've been to his website." The author was a woman. Ohkay.

11/14/05

A woman came up to me with a question about a book while I was trying to run the register. I told her I didn't know about that book off the top of my head and was in the middle of the sentence explaining that she needed to go to Customer Service when she interrupted me by suggesting that I just look it up on my computer, then. I told her I wouldn't be able to do that because it's a register, not a title database, and tried to tell her again where to go for help but instead she just demanded to be told where the health section was and said, "I'll find it myself." Whatever, lady. . . .

A guy came up to the customer service desk asking about a book, and it turned out we'd have to order it and it was like thirty bucks. He went over to ask his wife if she wanted it badly enough to order it and then pay that for it, and when he came back he shouted across the store to me, "Nada." I'm like, huh? "NADA," he repeated, gesturing in a "cancel" gesture. I guess he thinks "nada" means "no" instead of "none." Okay.

11/12/05

A woman came to the desk early in the morning and said that her book that she ordered should be in. Well, we hadn't gotten the truck in yet, so we told her so, and assured her we'd call her when it was in. "Well, I don't know about that," and claimed that even though she orders often she has NEVER gotten a call from us. We suggested that perhaps it's because she comes in and asks for it before we even get to the calling part. Yeah, because somehow we just randomly don't call you even though we call everyone else. Maybe you pre-empt us. Maybe you never answer the phone. Maybe your kids don't tell you you had a message. No wait, I'm sure it's just because the bookstore doesn't call you like they say they will. This would not have been so bad if I hadn't overheard the lady then going up to my manager and asking if the ordered books were in yet. I guess she had to hear from three people that the truck isn't here yet before she believed it was true. We're incompetent because we wear our names on our shirts. . . .

A lady giving her order over the phone had a hell of a time giving me her information correctly. First she misread her credit card number for me, then she misread her own name (I asked her if she had a middle initial on her credit card or not, and she said no, and then said, "Wait, you mean on my credit card?"), and then I double-checked her address at the end and she'd forgotten an important part of it. ::sigh:: So, so complicated, to read an address and credit card to someone. . . .

My coworker got a dude who insisted that Robert Jordan's name was "Jordan Robert" and even though the title he had belonged to Robert Jordan he wouldn't listen, and then on top of it when she found the book and asked him if he wanted her to hold it and asked for his name, he said, "So . . . so you don't have it?" She again explained she just needed his name to hold it, that the book was IN HER HAND, and he replied, "So . . . um, so you don't have it?" ::sigh::

Someone asked me if we had the magazine Jerusalem Review, and as I went to search for it she said, "Do you know how to spell JERUSALEM?" Um, yes. . . . I told her my other job is editing. . . .

I helped a lady with a cookbook, and it turned out to be something we carried so I took her to the shelf. To help us find it, I told her it was a hardback. Right after I said that, she said, "Is it a hardback or a paperback?" ::sigh::. . . .

11/7/05

So I came to work this morning and there were two customers standing by the "out" door chatting. As I approached the other door one of them yelled out to me, "HEY! Can't you open ten minutes EARLY?" I just looked at them like I had no idea what they were talking about and said, "Um, I don't have anything to do with that. . . . " Yeah why don't we just open the door ten minutes early before stuff is ready, so you can come in before we're ready for business and stand around getting impatient that our coffee isn't brewed and our registers aren't up. Sound fun? Yeah. Not to mention I can't get in the door unless someone lets me in, dammit.

One of my early phone calls was from an apparent airhead. I answered the phone with the required spiel and she said, "Hi, this is Tina?" (I don't remember what she really said her name was, so I've named her Tina.) Tina was silent after she introduced herself, so I prompted her with "can I help you?" "Yeah, um, well someone just called me from there." Okay. Well, I didn't call her. I wasn't sure what to do with that so I just asked her if she had someone she wanted to speak to or a question on a matter. "Someone called me from there, so I guess maybe they have something for me?" she said. Look, it's obvious you're talking to someone who has no earthly idea what the fuck you could have been called about, so how about giving me a little more info? I had to pump her again and after confirming that indeed our phone number was the one that had contacted her, suddenly she was full of information. She told me that we'd just called and left her a message saying we had some posters and displays for her. Okay, so we've established what some other person in the store called you about, but you want to clue me in now why you're calling back, if you already got the message? She didn't seem to understand why I didn't know why she called us back in response to a message like that, so I just asked if she wanted to talk to the manager, who's the only other person who could have called her. I do know for a fact my manager didn't just call her answering machine and not give her instructions on what to do; if she said "call me back to find out how to pick them up," how about saying, "I got a call from you guys saying you had promotional materials and that I should call to see about picking them up." If we called and told her she could come in anytime to pick them up but she had a question, she could have told me that and asked the question. But instead throughout the entire conversation she didn't seem to understand that SHE WAS NOT TALKING TO THE PERSON WHO JUST CALLED HER and she was in fact talking to someone who was NOT INVOLVED IN THIS PARTY AT ALL. I really hate when people call and are unclear about what they want me to do.

A woman came to the store looking for books on George Washington Carver. I told her right offhand that I didn't have any kids' biographies (she wanted it for a kindergarten class). She made this loud exasperated sigh and then asked me for a couple other things like books on peanuts or how plants grow and stuff. I also suggested that maybe there'd be a mention of him, like a small section, in one of our books on inventors. "I should HOPE so," she said, "he invented some of the most famous inventions in history!" I know that, that's why I came up with the idea of looking for him in collections of stories about inventors. But alas, there were none. So the lady decided she'd go through Kids' Biography anyway (even though I told her I knew there was nothing there), and she just started browsing through, apparently oblivious to the fact that if there was anything it'd be toward the beginning since "Carver" starts with friggin' C. "It is just RIDICULOUS that you don't have anything," she said. "I can't believe you wouldn't have something on him when you have THIS kind of CRAP," she added, distastefully indicating a Hilary Duff biography. I informed her that we carry THAT because it is high interest and therefore it sells, but I decided to skidaddle before I started lecturing her on how it would be impossible to have a kids' biography on every person who was on the same level of importance with George Washington Carver; I mean, we have nothing on Louis Pasteur, Mikhail Gorbachev, or Catherine the Great, so I guess that's ridiculous too. . . .

A woman came up to the desk and told me that she was interested in finding out if we had a book. I said fine but then she says, "I know it says 'Sweepers' in the top corner of the book." I was like, um, okay. And yup. It turned out THAT WAS ALL SHE KNEW. She claimed it was a series and when I disavowed any knowledge of what she was looking for she said, "Well, I BOUGHT it HERE." Yes, because that narrows it down. She began to tell me about the plot, saying it described the life of a girl who discovers she's a witch and has magic powers. Uh-huh. Well, it wasn't really sounding familiar, but she claimed that she had thought she'd brought the book in the car but hadn't been able to find it when she'd looked before. She went out to look again. In the meantime, I realized she might mean the "Sweep" series, which isn't in the children's section anyway; it's for teens, which explains why I'm not exactly familiar with it. A good while back we had a whole bunch of them on a table for a buck each, which tells you how well the damn things must have sold. I went and checked the teen section just to be sure because I was almost positive we didn't have them but didn't want to be mistaken when she came back. So then indeed when she came back she had unearthed her book and it was a "Sweep" book. I was like, "Ahh, it's Sweep," and she goes "Yes . . . wait, what did I say before?" I told her she'd called it "Sweepers." Then I told her we didn't have them anymore but could order them. ::sigh::

A woman came up and roughly tossed a toy at me. "How much that is?" she barked, so I picked it up and read the price to her off the packaging. "It IS?" she said, and I said, "Yes, it is." She made a clucking noise and said, "Well, I guess I'll get it, and this too for my daughter," and chucked her stuff at me. I told her if she was ready to pay she had to take it to Checkout because at this desk we don't have a register. "You DON'T?" she asked. No, just joking, hey gimme money. No I don't! "Well then what do you DO here?" she asked, looking mystified and glancing at the big sign above me that says "Customer Service." I told her I do customer service. "That means just helping people find things in the store," I explained. "It's a big place." "Oh, okay," she said, and went away with her kid. As they made their way to a place that would take their money, I heard the daughter yelling at Mom to give her her toy right now. I wonder where she could have gotten manners like that?

A woman came up to me and asked me, "Where are your writing tablets?" Whenever anyone phrases a question like that, it's obvious that they are positive you carry this item. I asked her if she meant just like blank lined paper, and she said yes, so I told her we don't carry stuff like that. I got a blank look in response so I told her she should try an office supply. Since she still looked like her brain couldn't handle this information, I told her we sold blank journals and stuff, blank books to write in, but not just regular paper. "But I mean like just a writing tablet, a pad of notebook paper!" she protested. I told her again WE DON'T SELL THAT SHIT. "We really don't do office supplies here at all," I said. "We don't sell paper or pencils . . . though we do have some nice pens." She didn't say a word and just walked away. You're welcome!

11/6/05

I'll begin with a guest Asshole from yesterday, provided by my manager. Okay, see, one of our night cashiers rang a woman up for an institutional sale and ended up accidentally applying her 20% discount to just one item instead of the whole transaction. The woman realized it after she'd paid in cash but not yet left the register, so the cashier had to call the manager to make it right.

She'd only been buying four books and gotten the correct discount on ONE of them, so the manager decided to fix the problem by "returning" the three undiscounted items and then selling them to her again with the discount, resulting in her being awarded the difference. Taking care to apologize, my manager completed the transaction and gave her her money, and finally the last step was to have her sign a return slip.

She didn't sign it. Intead of signing, she just wrote "Mistake by cashier" on it.

He didn't know what the point of THAT was, but he politely asked her to please sign instead of writing that, to which she replied by beginning to write it again and then going off on a tirade about how she was going to call our corporate office. After hearing another apology from the manager, the woman sniped back, "Who made the mistake??" Yeah lady, we get it, we fucked up, and that's why we immediately turn around to FIX it. What he SAID to her was "I'm sorry" again and also "but people make mistakes." It wasn't like we expected anything out of her, anything inconvenient, except that there is a place on the return slip for all three involved parties (manager, cashier, and CUSTOMER) to sign off. All it is is an acknowledgment that a process was done and she received money. Is there some reason that a simple mistake has to be thrown in someone's face over and over as if it were a life-changing (or even marginally important) error? Is there some reason why you can't cooperate with the people who were not in any way challenging you or making the solution difficult? I guess doing those things is very tough on a person if they have Dickhead Disease.

The manager said he found himself hoping the door would malfunction and hit her in the ass on the way out.

Onward. Some lady came up to my coworker at the desk and wanted a book, but it turned out we'd have to order it. She expressed disappointment, saying she wanted to see it before she decided if she wanted to buy it, but my coworker told her we could still order it and let her flip through it; our company lets people order whatever they want and evaluate it, and if it isn't what they want they aren't obligated. But even after he explained this to her, she replied, "No, that's okay, I need to be able to flip through it before I decide if I want to buy it." And off she went. My coworker didn't try to get her to understand after that. "I'm not gonna repeat myself," he claimed. It's like, you don't listen, then you lose! Don't say we didn't try. . . .

A college-age girl came up and asked for a book by title. I tried looking it up but the title brought up no hits, so I asked her if she knew anything else about it, like the author. She said she didn't and seemed confused as to why in the world I might be asking for more information, so I went ahead and told her that that title wasn't in the database. Her response?

She repeated the title.

And then told me how it was punctuated.

In response to that I told her how many alternate ways I'd tried punctuating the damn thing (though it's word order, word content, and keyword that matter, not punctuation), and she seemed suitably impressed when I described that and then told her nothing came up. "Well, I think the author's first name is Albert? Or Allen?" she said. "Something like that. And I THINK his last name begins with a K?" I told her knowing possible first names and "it begins with K, MAYBE" do me no good in a search. "Well I'm SURPRISED, it's really COMMON!" she replied. I bet. That's why I've never been asked for it and Amazon.com has never heard of it either. . . .

Some dude wandered up to the desk and asked me if it was possible for me to find out an author for him if he had the title of a book. Yeah, because we never get THAT kind of question. Hello. Silly question, but perhaps he was just using that as a weird roundabout way to ask me to do it. Whatever. So I overlooked that and he asked me the question and of course the title he asked for ended up belonging to about three different books. The most likely prospect seemed to be the first title, though, so I asked him if he knew what kind of book it was. At his blank look, I prompted, "Is it a biography?"

"No, nonfiction," he replied smartly. Okay. As I was pondering what relatively diplomatic words I could use to explain to him that a biography, being a true account of someone's life, qualifies as nonfiction, he seemed to realize that himself and said maybe that was it. Deciding not to assume any knowledge on his part, I asked him if it was a story about someone's life. "No," he said. "It's about this guy." Ahh, so it's about some guy, but not an account of his life. Gotcha.

The worst part is that preppy dickcheeses like him are given college degrees every semester.

A girl came up and said her mom had asked her to pick up a book for her. "I think it's called 'One in a Million,' I don't know the author," she said. Strongly suspecting that she meant A Million Little Pieces (since that's Oprah's latest pluggable item), I looked up that title but asked her if she knew anything about it. She said that her mom saw it advertised on Oprah and wanted it. I told her I would assume it was A Million Little Pieces in that case, and that it was a biography. As I started to take her there, she said, "I've already BEEN all THROUGH there." Which is always so effective if you don't know the author's name and have the title wrong. So, I took her right to the nine or so copies that were sitting on the shelf and handed her one, and all of a sudden she was full of information. She explained to me how she had seen the program and she didn't think her mom would like this, that her mom THINKS she would like this but probably wouldn't because it is graphic and she is a prude, et cetera. I was kinda confused because obviously this was the book she was thinking of and yet she already knew that her mom wouldn't enjoy it. She elected to put it back and told me she'd tell her mom she recommended not getting it. All this when all the information she needed to make that decision--incorrect title and lack of author aside--was in her head when she came in. Go fig why my time and energy had to be wrapped up in that.

A man came up and the only piece of information he had about the book he wanted was the last name of the author. Luckily it was a somewhat unusual one, only about 10 authors with the last name, so I did a query and since the customer told me the book was recent I was able to order the list by release date and find the right one. Weirdly enough, though, it was listed as only being available on CD. When I told him this, he replied, "NO, there IS a book." I told him I was sure that was the case but the CD was the only thing in my system (and it didn't look particularly easy to get, either). After I explained that to him, I basically got the same response, "Well there IS a book." Okay. I know you think that. I know it's highly possible you're right. That doesn't change that I have no goddamn access to the book. I explained that and again he told me there was a book and he didn't want a CD. I gave up and just simplified my answer to "Sorry, we don't have it. Sorry, it's not here." He left me alone eventually. Gah.

11/5/05

This week I detest people who try to get my attention and demand help while I am obviously helping another customer. It happens pretty often; I'm standing in the kids' section assisting a customer and another customer starts standing at the edge of the aisle or is over at the customer service desk calling, "ExCUSE me, do you WORK here??" at me. The problem is all they see when they look over at me is the black apron; they don't see that it is attractively adorning the chest and waist of a lovely little book clerk whose MOUTH IS MOVING and whose ATTENTION IS OCCUPIED by a person who got there BEFORE THEM. Just wait your turn, nutsack!

Now . . . how . . . how is this POSSIBLE??

I was all prepared to have a huge installment of Assholes for you all today, because it was a One-Day Sale and everyone is on their worst behavior at those things, and yet somehow I only have three!

Normally one-day sales bring out the worst in everyone. Think about it. The draw is a measly extra ten percent off. People who come to these things are willing to work such a thing into their weekend schedules and battle the crowds just to get a stinking extra percentage off. Now, I'm not saying it's not smart to do it, but everyone who shows up thinks they're going to be rewarded handsomely for their trouble.

So, most obviously there are tons of people who think they're supposed to get 20% off in addition to the 10% they get off with the member discount card. It's pretty explicit that it's "with discount card" that they get 20%, on all the signs and the flyer it's printed, but these sorts of customers always make up their own rules. And then of course the company is trying to draw people in by saying shit like "44% off bestsellers" and "up to 80% off sale books"--well, the bestsellers are ALREADY 30% off, so all that is is the extra 20%--WITH discount card--off the bestselling discount price. It's not that huge of an extra deal. One man pointed out to me that even with all the discounts the book he wanted was still five bucks cheaper at Sam's. (Of course, you have to pay to shop there since it's a WAREHOUSE and they don't have to sell at retail prices, but whatever.)

So. Long story short, I went in this morning totally expecting to have to put up with all sorts of sneers and complains and whines and moans from customers about how they're not getting a good enough deal because they can't read a sign and got their hopes up, and yet I only got three jackasses and none of them were directly related to it being a one-day sale.

There WAS the everyday annoyance of their total disregard for putting things back where they go, though. I cleaned the kids' section several times today and the places I'd spent the longest away from were always trashed again when I wandered back into them. Assholes.

The main reason I didn't get lots of Assholes is that I wasn't on the register. Yay.

I'll talk about my Bizarre Lady first. I was helping a woman with a large order--she was ordering twelve copies of six children's books for a workshop--and up the weirdo walked, and began speaking to my customer.

"Hello," she said to her, "how are you?" The customer I'd been helping glanced at her and murmured an acknowledgment, and Bizarre Lady cocked her head around like a pigeon in a way that made me think she expected to be recognized or whatever. But then she said, "Am I interrupting? Am I being rude?" The lady was like, "Um, I'm just ordering some books--do you need me for something?" "Oh no, I just need to ask that girl some questions when she's free," said Weirdo, "but I'm from New York, so I have a license to be rude I guess." The customer told her she didn't think anyone had a pass for that but whatever. Now sometimes a couple of customers will randomly start talking and be real friendly, but this lady ordering books from me was obviously not in the mood to deal with friendliness from weirdoes.

"Are you a teacher?" Bizarre Lady went on, and the customer started looking exasperated. "I have ESP, I try to guess everyone's job," she said, "so are you a teacher?" The woman admitted that she was actually a retired teacher. Hmm, yeah someone ordering twelve copies of six children's books isn't a clue or anything; she must be psychic! Bizarre Lady was silent while I informed my first customer of some prices, and she said she'd make her decision and come back. So then I got to help Weirdo.

She wanted to know if I had a section for eating disorders and I needed clarification, so soon enough we were looking for bulimia books. While we were looking around the store for the few we were supposed to have, the lady got a call on her cell phone and had a conversation with the person on the other end about which prescription medications she was on. The list was frigging long. When she got off she said, "That was my DYSFUNCTIONAL BOYFRIEND." Okay. And then she was asking me weird shit about my family history because she had ordered a book about Yiddish sayings and something she said had caused me to volunteer that my father's side of the family is from a Jewish background. Then she started babbling about the price of the book she'd ordered and how thirteen bucks was "ridiculous" and "outrageous" for a book. Ohkay. The end.

Another one was just minor and might be because of bad eyesight. This woman came in all pissed-off looking, and the way she spoke to me and my manager about her problem had me thinking (for some reason) that she'd rehearsed what she wanted to say at home about forty times. "I have a problem," she stated, and brought up a bagged book with a receipt and showed it to us. "NOW. Do you see the price of this book?" She opened the cover so that we could see the inside cover flap and its price. We agreed that we saw it. "Now LOOK what I paid for it." She handed us her receipt. Which had printed on it the same price that was printed on the dust jacket. It was a $26.95 book and for some reason she thought the 2 was a 1 and had a perception that it was $16.95 and somehow we'd jacked up the price on her ten bucks. Granted the 2 looked a tad funny in there, but if I had noticed such a discrepancy, I would have looked at it closer and of course seen that it was just a funny-looking 2. Anyway.

One of my managers is about a week into quitting smoking; I think she's on day 6 with no cigarette. A man came in just before noon and started demanding the book he'd ordered, which was supposed to come in today. "We haven't received our customer orders from the truck yet," my coworker explained, but the man was not having that and zeroed in on my manager, who had apparently ordered the book for him. "YOU ordered it for me last week," he barked, "and YOU said it would be here today!" No, today's not the day to mess with this manager. Hehehe. "It IS here today," she said, meeting his attitude, "but we don't have the books unpacked yet." "YOU told me it would be here at 11:30," he yelled, "and it is NOW 11:52, CORRECT?" This caused her to launch into an explanation of how she never said he could pick his book up at 11:30; she said the truck would be arriving about then. And it did. It takes about an hour to unpack the thing and I'm sure one of the other things she said in the speech you were obviously listening so well to was "We will call you when it's in." We didn't call you, assface! So don't you go throwing your attitude at my manager as if you're entitled to something and have been disappointed, because nobody promised you dick. You can wait like everybody else.

After that she went and had a cigarette. Sad.

And an amusing moment: An elderly man came to me at the door while I was doing a short stint of greeting, and said to me, "You still got your books?" I told him we were almost out. Hehehe.