2/28/05

I was doing a void scan sitting on the floor in Baby when a woman approached and stood next to me in that way that means "I want something, but I'm not going to say so, I'll just stand here imposingly until you ask me what I want." So I glanced up and it was an older woman looking down at me. "Do you sell music?" she asked, and I replied, "No." I turned back to what I was doing, but she kept standing there. And standing there. So I glanced up again and she had this lovely readable look on her face of "Waiiit--you weren't supposed to say NO, you were supposed to say yes, get up, and show me where it is! Does not compute!" I asked her if she needed something else and she goes, "None at ALL?" I told her we indeed do not carry music. "OH!" she said. "It came so fast." She meant my answer, I guess. Well, generally I like to answer questions quickly, and if they have brief and decisive answers I guess it makes sense.

I can't 'member when this was, but a woman asked me where some book was and I told her and started to take her back there but she's like, "I could have found it . . . I'm a big girl!" Heh. I love when customers are self-sufficient. I think they're a whole different breed of human.

A woman asked for A Series of Unfortunate Events and as I was walking her there she was like, "After the first series, there are three or four more series." I was like, "More SERIES?" It became apparent that she thought the first three books (the ones they based the movie on) were one "series" and then there'd be like more separate series under the umbrella. I told her it was all just one series and they were up to book 11. When we got there she was like, "Now, my granddaughter has numbers 1 and 2. . . . " Then she spread her hands and looked helplessly like she had no idea what she should do to get the next one. I waited incredulously for her to realize that 1 and 2 are usually followed by 3 and that the books were on the shelves in order with their numbers clearly visible, but instead she turned to me and repeated, "She has 1 and 2 already, what should I get next?" I replied, "You could get 3," and when she still didn't do anything I poked 1 and poked 2 and then said, "And here's 3, The Wide Window," and handed it to her. And then this happened. I swear to you it did. She said, "And then . . . should I go down to 4?" Lady, you are a waste of space.

A woman came up with two titles and the first one was something about vegetable gardening that we'd have to order. But the second one, even though her writing was very neat, I couldn't make out what she meant. It said in perfect letters, "The Ebibee Herb Garden." Figuring "Ebibee" might be either a person's name or a type of gardening term I hadn't heard of, I tried it, but I got nothing. I typed in the author's name, which was also on the paper, and I got a listing of titles, one of which was The Edible Herb Garden. I asked the lady if this word on her paper said "Edible," and she seemed cross. "That was copied exactly from your website," she explained. "If that's what it says, that's what was on your site, my daughter copied it exactly." I told her the author had a very similar title called The Edible Herb Garden but nothing with this mysterious word "Ebibee" was in the computer, so I guessed that the word on the paper was supposed to be "edible." The woman again insisted that it was copied exactly from our site that way and that if it was a mistake we also had a mistake on our site. Then she got flustered and left. Hmm. Well, either I'm hallucinating and am seeing that this handwriting displays a made-up word, or your perfect daughter is dyslexic and you're in denial. Let's guess which. I later looked it up on the website at home and there is no "Ebibee" anything I'm afraid.

And lastly, someone hung up on one of my coworkers today. The lady called about a magazine and said she saw it in our store yesterday (or something like that), but my coworker did the magazine search in the computer and we didn't carry the title. She insisted that she'd just SEEN it here, and so he asked her where it was she had seen it so he could go look. She started giving him directions with the incredibly informative "It's in the back," which is lovely since the whole back wall of the store is magazines. "Do you know what category that magazine would be considered?" he asked her, but then she said, "Just never mind," and hung up on him. Probably she spent a few moments fuming over his incompetence and then marched right over to Borders, the bookstore where she'd seen the mag and where she thought she called. I wonder how often this happens?

2/27/05

Some guy asked me if my necklace meant I was Jewish. I explained to him the difference between a six-pointed and a five-pointed star. Then he and his wife were asking about books on a certain subject by a certain author. Now, it was apparent that the book they wanted was about near-death experiences, but the only books that were coming up by the author were books on like bereavement--well, that's related, but not really the right subject. So I tried to explain that and asked what sort of subject the books they wanted were, and after getting no conclusive answers from either of them (the dude was like, "well AFTERLIFE and OUT-OF-BODY EXPERIENCE are the same thing!") I just took them to New Age.

There was supposed to be a book there by a different author, but with the author they wanted having written the foreward. I quickly found that book for them and explained that it detailed near-death experiences but that it wasn't BY their author. So they were deliberating whether this was "the book" and then others started catching the woman's eye, so I guessed that they were more on a quest for certain *information* than a certain *book*, so I started suggesting a few on the subject. I pointed out that there was a John Edward book but it wasn't really about near-death experiences, just about communicating with the dead. After picking it up and studying its back, the woman said, "OH, no, honey, we don't want that. He talks to DEAD people, and that's against the Bible." Brilliant, you're adamant Christians shopping in the New Age section. The most striking thing about dealing with these folks is they didn't listen to a word I said. Even when I left them to browse and said, "Let me know if you need me to help you find anything else!" the dude replied, "You too!" Urgh.

Some woman came up and asked me for books on organization. Specifically, she asked for "paperbacks." Well, all our hardbacks and paperbacks are together in the domestic section, so I took her to Home and showed her where to look. "No, I want one on ORGANIZING," she said when she noticed that most of the books highlighted either decorating or cleaning. "They're in here," I assured her, and started looking. "It's just that unless we're looking for a particular book, it's easier to go to the section than it is to try to guess what keywords will bring up the most hits." I quickly found three organizing books and pulled them out for her, and while I was looking for more she rejected each in turn because they were too much money. The last one was fourteen dollars. "I'm looking for something that's UNDER TEN DOLLARS," she said, frustrated. I had to explain to her that pretty much nothing but mass-market paperbacks--which are almost exclusively in the fiction section--fall under that price, she isn't gonna find a trade paperback on organizing for under ten bucks. She left without buying anything. Boo.

In the morning, a man came up all uncertain, and asked me a standard question in a very weird way: "If someone can't find what he's looking for, could you guys order books?" I assured him that we could order pretty much anything, and then answered his question about where the Civil War section was. He went there, but before long he was back. Now, you're going to have to bear with me here because I have NO recollection of what titles he actually asked for, but in order to illustrate the absurdity I'm gonna have to make things up, so just keep in mind these aren't real titles. "I'm looking for Battles of the Civil War," he said, and he had an author's last name, but none of the books that came up with a title close to that had author's names even resembling that. "Well, it's Civil War Battles. Or Great Military Strategies or something like that." Noticing that he'd now given me three titles, I asked if he was asking for different books. "Naw, just this one book--maybe it's General Grant's Plan, I don't know, it's SOMETHING like that. It's about the Civil War." So have you noticed how none of these titles even contain similar WORDS? It was like he was just firing off possible titles. I asked if that was what he was doing, just giving me possible titles, and he said yeah, he didn't really remember what it was called, but he wanted that particular book. I dubiously tried all of his suggested titles without getting any matches for the author or really anything close to his titles, and when I'd been searching for a few moments the guy was like, "So, there's nothing at all??" I can't even figure out what he expected me to find when he had NO TITLE. Guess he's just one of those people who wants me to "find it" without understanding that there isn't like, the one Civil War book that everyone knows he wants. Feh.

A grandmotherly type was asking for a typical kids' gross-out book. She didn't remember what it was called, she told my coworker, but it had a kid picking his nose on the front cover and it was supposed to be like a collection of "gross stuff." I happened to know what she was talking about: The encyclopedia of gross stuff, entitled Oh, Yuck! I took her and the employee who was helping her to that book, and then she started waffling.

"Do you think that would be embarrassing for me to send my grandchildren? I mean, it's gross. Do you really think it would be appropriate?" Okay, lady, you came in asking specifically for this book and knew about its disgustingness and specifically asked for the one with a kid PICKING HIS NOSE on the cover. You knew it was nasty stuff, so why act like you're now upset by how gross it is? She decided against it but asked me for help finding something else for the grandkids. She wanted me to point her to a section that would have a book that would be appropriate and I couldn't nail her down to a description of a book that would be "appropriate," so I asked for the age of the kid and indicated that Storybooks would be her best bet. But she wanted something more specific than "browse here." She wanted suggestions for what she should get and had no subject matter suggestion. I started just kind of pointing out books at random that I've heard of or are popular or that I like, and she just didn't seem to want to even consider any of them, like I'd pull them out and she wouldn't even take them when I held them out to her. I didn't know what she wanted me to do. And then the icing went on the cake big-time: "Well, there's a book called something like Walter the Farting Dog?" I agreed that there was, but before I could take her to it she was like, "But isn't that kind of GROSS? I mean, as their grandmother, wouldn't that be embarrassing?" Jeezus! Okay, lady, now you have specifically asked for two books that reveal their grossness in the title and then complained about them being too gross! I pointed out to her that I couldn't understand why she was giving me only gross titles to look for if she didn't want gross books, and she's like, "I don't know . . . I guess I just heard they were popular?" It was like she hadn't really bothered to think about any of this before asking for help. I still don't know what she expected me to do as I left her to browse Storybooks around that time.

And there was a kid in the store with this really weird chocolate-milk stain on his face smeared up to his cheek from his lips, who I think probably had an emotional issue. My coworker got hit with a question about a certain school reading list book and when she took the mom and her son to the section it should be in, there weren't any. "It looks like we don't have any," she began, and the son burst out in this very high sort of aggressive voice, "THEN WHY DO I SEE IT???" The mom said, "Hush, honey, you don't know what she's talking about," and quizzed my coworker on what all that meant--I mean doesn't the computer TELL you if it's here? My coworker explained that the computer says what we carry but not how many copies or if they're in stock, so she guessed that it being a school reading list book it's probably been bought up, other people beat them to it. The kid started up again: "WHO BOUGHT THEM ALL?" The mom assured the kid that there was no way they could hunt down the people who bought them and demand they give them back or something, and the kid continued to go off: "WELL PEOPLE BOUGHT TOO MANY COPIES!" I don't remember what else he said but it was a bunch of stuff shrieking about the injustice of us not having the book and other people's lack of rights to the books. Later he was stomping through the store screaming for his mother, and this is an exact quote: "MOM! I DESIRE A BOOK!" I desire a book? Weird. The mom had apparently already discussed this with him at a time that I couldn't hear them, because she reminded him that they weren't getting that book but they could look at it again if he wanted. He agreed and they looked at it, but then he started screaming, "I WANT THIS BOOK!" She told him again they weren't getting it and he goes, "JUST GET IT!" She told him she wasn't buying it because there were other things they needed, and he's like, "JUST GET IT! I WANT IT! IF YOU DON'T GET THIS THEN DON'T GET ANYTHING!" The fact that the mom didn't really act like this behavior was unusual tipped me off that probably he acts this way all the time.

2/23/05

I got called to Customer Service so I went there. A shlobitty lookin' guy started wandering toward the desk so I positioned myself in front of him and said, "Hi." He walked past me, past the desk, and interrupted my manager who was talking to our district manager who was on an important store visit. Um, hello? I came to help you because SHE'S BUSY. . . . But anyway, he asked her the question and she was like acting confused as to why he asked HER since there was someone already AT the desk she had to go to to help him. But she obediently went to the desk and started typing in the info for his book, and when it came up I said I'd go find it because at this point now she'd been called to the register. And again he acted all confused. "She's gonna get it? So should I go with her?" type thing. I just wondered if I had some kind of "I can't help you" sign on my head, because this guy was like bound and determined to not let me help him. Hey, guy? Tuck in your damn shirt.

A dude wanted books about a particular baseball player. I found three in my computer that we were supposed to carry, but one was a kind of difficult-to-replenish one so I told him we could expect to find maybe two back there. I took him back there and ended up actually finding both of the ones I'd expected to find, and then he said, "And would this be all you have?" I was kind of thrown by that since I'd been really careful explaining, but I told him others had come up in the computer that we could ORDER but this was the only two listed in the store. "So . . . would you have any others in the store?" he asked, and again I was thrown. When people ask me shit I just answered, I tend to repeat back to them exactly what I'd just said after a rather pissy pause. I have a very good memory for what I hear (hence these lovely work records describing what people say all the time!), so I'm very good at spitting back verbatim the exact sentences I just used.

You're not going to believe this.

I used my verbal copy-paste SIX TIMES with this guy.

He literally asked me FOUR MORE TIMES after this whether there would be any more in the store or "is this all you have?" or "so would you have more somewhere else?" And then after all this (during which I swear my eyes got so wide they almost popped out), he started hitting the sale table and noticed there were sports books there and asked me if maybe there'd be any HERE. OH DEAR LORD!! What the HELL?

A woman had an author's last name and that was it. And furthermore, she only *thought* the last name might be right: She thought it might be Hutchinson. All she knew was the possible last name, the fact that the author was a woman, and vaguely what the subject matter was (something about women's roles in United States history). I tried her last name but the only female author in my system with that last name wrote only religious books. The lady seemed disappointed and said, "Well, can you just check under 'H'?" Okay, yeah. I do a search under "H." For any female author who might have written a book about women's roles in history. What the HELL??? I told her that was NOT possible and then she asked me where "a book like that" would be. I told her I couldn't be sure but the first place I'd check would be American History, but it could be Biography, Women's Studies, Politics, all kinds of other sections. She seemed satisfied--she knew the problem lay with her not having enough information, at least that was good--and went off to the section. After a while I ran into her again and she's like, "I found it!" Turned out it was American Heroines by Kay Bailey Hutchison. No N in the last name. No wonder I didn't get her in my search. Heh.

A lady came in with a recommended book from her doctor, and the only book in the system that matched that title was a teens' sex ed book. "No, that's not what it's for," she said, and I asked her what subject the book she wanted was on. "I don't know, it was just recommended to me by the doctor." Okay. So I did a broader search just to be sure and still it was only the teens' sex ed book. "Well . . . can you recommend something then?" I asked her what subject and she's like, "Like this one," holding up her paper that has this book title on it that apparently doesn't exist that she can't tell me what it's about either. I had to explain to her that if neither she nor I knew what subject the book was to cover, I couldn't really point her. "Well . . . on RELATIONS," she said, and I was like, "Relations?" She wouldn't clarify any more than that so I took her to Self-Help which has a Relationships section and I also pointed out the Sexuality section because I bet that was what she wanted and she didn't want to say so. Arrrgh.

2/22/05

Some lady asked if she was supposed to pay for her books at our customer service desk. When one of my coworkers told her she needed to go to Checkout, she was like, "I couldn't find where that is, I looked. . . . " One of my coworkers pointed toward the giant red sign in the corner that says "CHECKOUT," and she looked at it and she goes, "OH, duh!" Heh.

We have this sale book area that is mostly on tables and some on these shelves that face the tables. The signs above them, unfortunately, say "Recent Bestselling Fiction" and "Recent Bestselling Nonfiction." It sucks, but we use those shelves to put sale books on when we have overflow. Now today, this dude wanders up and says he's been looking where it says "Recent Bestselling Nonfiction" and yet it's all FICTION. I explained to him what our situation is--that we're just storing sale books in that area these days and that the fiction overflowed into the nonfiction--and he goes, "Well, your company can't afford to buy another sign?" I just kind of laughed that one off and then he demanded, "Well where IS the nonfiction?" I told him the sale book nonfiction was on these categorized tables and the regular nonfiction was, ya know, everything that wasn't in this fiction section. "Are you looking for something in particular?" I asked, figuring he didn't understand that "nonfiction" is kind of a BROAD term, and he goes, "YEAH. Nonfiction!" and started walking toward the back of the store where I'd pointed. ::sigh:: You're not going to find a sign that says "Nonfiction" back there, I promise you. . . .

2/19/05

A girl called and said, "I'm calling to find out if there are any books on hold for me . . . ?" I said, "Okay," and then she was just silent, and then said, "Well . . . are there?" It would probably help if you told me who you are. It's not like we're a tiny store and we're going to know you're the girl who ordered the book. When she came in to get her books later in the day, she was one of those irritating people who comes up and just says her name instead of anything resembling "excuse me" or anything vaguely resembling a complete sentence including the information that she's here to get a book, not looking for books by or books about the person she is naming. What the hell do we know?

Some kid collecting books for his school reading list wanted us to find every book on his list that we carried so he could compare them and figure out which one was the shortest and/or easiest to read. He had this sullen look and said at one point, "It doesn't really matter, they're all gonna bore me anyway." Nice attitude, dick.

Someone called me and asked about a book, and it turned out we didn't have any copies. She asked me if the other store would carry it and I told her to try calling there to find out. She seemed like she was totally on the ball and everything, and then after this somewhat lengthy discussion of whether the other store might have the book, she said, "So . . . you guys don't have it, huh?" And then she waited for an answer. (I have a habit of pausing thoughtfully after someone says something incredibly ridiculous so that they can either plow on and reveal that they were just kinda talking to themselves or else realize they're being jerks and answer their own question. This lady didn't do that; she just sat there and waited for me to answer this question that we'd already been through.) After the pause I just slowly told her again that we did not have the book and she could call the other store as we'd been discussing. Sheesh.

A woman asked whether we had any books on a particular subject and while I was scrolling through the lengthy list of near-keywords she just started walking away and said, "Oh, well, probably not." Okay, if you don't want to wait for me to finish looking that's fine and good with me.

A guy had an incredibly weird approach. "Is your electricity back there?" he asked, waving his hand vaguely toward the back of the store. Now, since "electricity" is probably inside the whole store, I had to assume he wasn't a mechanic who'd been hired to fix ours or something; he must be asking about books on electricity. After I extracted from him (through a painful process) the information that he was looking for practical information on wiring and measurement (rather than, say, scientific understandings and historical progressions related to electricity), I sent him to the home section and left him to browse. Soon enough he was back and as with the last time he didn't bother with any preamble to his request; he just said "Multi-testers." I was like huh? and he explained that was what he was really looking for in the realm of electricity. I looked for it in the computer but nothing came up that was that specific, and then he goes, "Would it be under 'electronics'?" Oh thanks for the help buddy. Yes it makes perfect sense to type in an incredibly vague subject search after I've already looked for something specific that came up with no results. I explained to him that I didn't need to "look under" a subject; it was keyword-operated, and there was no way I could tell if an electronics book contained that information unless it was the main subject of some book to the point where it would be reflected in keywords or titles. After explaining that I'd gotten NOTHING in my search, he gave me sort of a condescending look and said, "Well I guess there's no such thing, huh?" Yeah buddy that's what I'm saying, that what you want doesn't exist because I can't find a book on it. No actually, it means there's no books in my system that cover exclusively that minute detail of electronics. How about you write one?

I had a teacher who couldn't do math today. She was obsessed with the Madonna books and had been all impressed over the second one, not realizing that actually Madonna stole the premise from the Kabbalah (and she doesn't pretend otherwise or anything). Anyway, we didn't have the book by itself unfortunately; only as part of a box set of three. The lady was actually interested in getting all of them and was trying to figure out whether it would be a better deal to order them individually or pick up the box set. I easily calculated that buying the box set was a better deal because the box set was $39.95, yet each book individually was $19.95. Yes, three books at almost-twenty apiece (totalling almost-sixty) is not as good a deal as three books together in a cute box for forty bucks. Yet I could not make her see the logic of this. "It's not really a better deal," she argued, and tried to explain that getting them individually was better. Finally we came to find out the root of the problem; for some reason she'd looked at the books labelled $19.95 and been thinking they were each about ten bucks. Don't ask.

Some dude came in and started off with "There's a book you SHOULD have and you don't." Great. I looked for it by title and when the author came up I asked him to confirm that this was the one. "That's me," he said, which tipped me off HE'S THE AUTHOR. ("There's a book you SHOULD have and you don't"--Oh, of COURSE everywhere SHOULD have your book. God, please tell me I won't ever be like this.) Anyway, I showed that I couldn't even get it, and he volunteered that it was a print-on-demand title. Surprise. I told him we don't carry print-on-demand titles and when he started acting like this was a personal affront on our part, I told him it was only just a case of unavailability; if the publishing company hadn't made it available to us, we couldn't exactly help that. I filled him in that individuals could order it for themselves but we as a retail store did not have access to the book. He went on about how "all the OTHER stores have it!" and then realized we weren't Barnes & Noble (he'd thought we were for some reason). And then he started telling me that he was "hurt" we didn't have it, and finally told me I should order one for myself because it is a great, great novel. Okay. I understand he's trying to make a living, but if I as a published author ever go into a bookstore and practically beg the clerk to order my book, someone please take me aside and slap me.

Someone called from the other store and asked me to put a book on hold for Roper. For some reason I heard "Loper." I didn't think I had an issue mixing up those two sounds but wow, go me.

2/16/05

I was helping a girl and she told me she wasn't sure where in the store her book would be. I typed it in as she continued to try to "help" me, and one thing she said was, "It's kind of a . . . " and then she didn't finish the sentence. I just looked at her. Finally I prompted, "Kind of a WHAT?" She finished the sentence then. I wonder why people do that so often?

I was recruited to help someone who needed children's book information. She asked me a very vague question--"Where are the Jack and Annie books?"--and you'd have had to know that Jack and Annie are the main characters of Magic Tree House to answer that. That's what I'm there for. But then I found out later that she had kind of been a total freak to one of my coworkers. She just came up and said, "THE CHILDREN'S PERSON??" And she said it so fast that my coworker didn't understand. She was like, "Excuse me?" and the lady just kept saying over and over again, "THE CHILDREN'S PERSON? THE CHILDREN'S PERSON??" How about either trying a different phrasing or attempting to form a complete sentence, huh lady?

Oh boy, this was my favorite for today. This lady came up and wanted to know whether anyone turned in her glasses that she had lost the other day in our store. "No one's turned in glasses," we answered quickly. Actually someone earlier had been asking the same thing; we have nothing but an empty glasses case, no glasses in any "found" box at all. The lady seemed befuddled, like she'd been promised something and we were reneging, and then she's like, "But I LOST them here." Well how can you even be so sure of that, seeing as how as you left the store the last time you couldn't have been like, "And I'm being sure to leave my glasses there." She asked us incredulously WHY someone wouldn't have turned them in--okay, like one of us had some reason to deny her her glasses--and then she started complaining that the last time she was in here no one gave her her discount, and it was a shame because she came here just because she knows she gets a discount and they didn't give it to her. I asked if the person had scanned her discount card and she said they had, which led me to believe probably she's imagining having been cheated because she doesn't understand how to read the receipt. I explained to her that if the person scanned her card, there isn't a possible way to have it ring up undiscounted. She said that the person probably just rang her card and then backed out of the sale and started fresh with no discount because she didn't get it, though of course she didn't have the receipt on her to prove it. (I really would have loved that, showing her where on the friggin' receipt it says exactly how she got discounts.) And then she started talking about how she was just gonna have to bite the bullet and go get new glasses anyway, which she had been putting off for a long time because the last time she had been there THE DOCTOR CHEATED HER. Yup. She told me his name and that she didn't recommend him under any circumstances, which is kinda funny 'cause I bet it was another one of those instances where she made up getting victimized and didn't bother to look very hard for evidence to the contrary.

Good thing I kept these glasses from her and have a nice trinket to gather dust in my house, huh? That's our purpose here. Make sure people are unhappy with what they receive.

2/15/05

Someone asked me if we carried a particular magazine. I looked it up and we were supposed to. The man gave me a surprised look as I offered to go back there and help him look for it. "Well, I hope I didn't miss it!" he said. Why would you hope that? You want to get it, don't you? Well then, hope that it's there and you did miss it! I don't get it.

Someone called with a weird long title. When I typed it in and got the results, nothing was exactly what he said, but in the phrase where he said the title was "book of knowledge" one of the results had exactly what he said except it said "body of knowledge." So I asked him the logical question: Whether he thought this was the book he wanted even though it said "body of knowledge" instead of "book of knowledge." Instead of answering the question, he asked me if it was by a particular author. Not wanting to start giving him details about a book until I was sure it was the one he was looking for, I repeated my question, and then he kept on replying not with the answer but with more questions: "Well how much is it? Well when was it published?" I had to explain like four times that I wanted to know whether I even frigging had the right book on my screen. Eventually I got through to him, but it frustrated me. Why won't people let me control the conversation when I'm the only one who knows what's going on?

I talked to a dude on the phone who was obviously one of those "I'm a smooth handsome friendly guy" guys. He was all, "And how are YOU doing today. Really? Well that's wonderful." Anyway, I found his book for him and told him he could put the book on hold under his last name. He requested that he put it under his first name instead because his last name was "kinda weird," so I happily stuck it under "Brad" and endured his sappy "Now you have a fabulous day" type sign-off. Anyway, I was coming back from break later on and I walked toward the desk only to see someone I didn't recognize walking into the employees-only area. The dude--young guy in a spiffy suit, with hair that probably gets more attention from him than most young children get from their parents--walked in, fumbled around, and emerged with the book I'd put on hold for "Brad," making his way purposely toward the register after that. Oh well, I guess Brad just figured since no one was there to help him immediately he was entitled to just go behind the desk. What irritates me about this is realizing that this is probably the reason behind some of our customer orders or holds disappearing at times: People just going back there and taking what they see. That's why it's a frigging employees-only area dammit!

I talked to a very strange man on the phone today too. The dude gave me his title. I found it no problem and gave him the author's name to confirm whether it was the right one. Instead of saying yes or no, he told me the title again. I explained that I'd found a book called that and wanted to make sure it was the right book, the one by so-and-so. The dude again failed to answer and responded by SPELLING the author's name, now with an exasperated tone creeping into his voice like "why can't this girl answer my simple question without me giving her all this information?" At least this annoying response told me we were indeed talking about the same book, and I told him we didn't carry it so we'd have to order it. "So you don't have it?" he asked, a standard response. I repeated that we'd have to order it. "Ohhhhhhhhkay," he said, and this is where it started getting really weird. He emitted a long string of vowel sounds that sometimes became the word "okay." I'll see if I can kind of re-create it. "Ohhhhhhhh. Uhhhh . . . uhh. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhokay. Oooooohhhhhhhhhkay, okay, okay, uh . . . Oh! Okay, uh . . . ohhhhhhh . . . . ohhohhohhhkay. Now if I order it how long would it take?" While he was doing his foghorn impression I stood there with my hand over the phone mouthpiece trying to be as subtle as possible with my wild fits of laughter. You have no idea how hilariously strange this guy sounded just making all these sounds at me. Finally when he made a sentence that made sense, it took everything to quit laughing and answer. ::giggle::

My coworker was helping someone on the phone and a woman walked up in the store and asked her for a book, just started talking to her while she was on the phone. Right before the woman had arrived at the desk my coworker had spoken to the phone customer, but yet when she explained to the store customer that she was already helping someone on the phone and it would be a moment, the lady acted all surprised and said, "OH, I didn't realize you were on the phone!" So it didn't tip you off that she was talking to no one in sight when you walked up, and that she was holding a strange plastic gizmo to the side of her head? Hmmmmm. Finally when she asked her question she said she was looking for "an Arthur," which confused my coworker because then she had the author's name and it wasn't Arthur anything. Turned out she's one of those people who thinks "author" is pronounced "arthur." We figured this out because she sent her to me to show her the Teen section, and when I got her there she goes, "Are these in order by arthur?" I hate when they ask that, by the way, of a perfectly organized section like Teen. It's obvious they're in order by arthur. I mean author. We discussed this lady in the back room later and that was where I was able to explain to my coworker that she was looking for an author, not an "arthur." Hahaha.

Toward the end of my shift I was looking forward to leaving and up pops my last phone call of the day. I answered the phone with my usual spiel, which ends with "How can I help you?" The woman replied, "Yes, I don't want to interrupt you if you're with another customer." And then she didn't say anything else. I was like, huh? So I replied, "Excuse me?" She repeated her statement. "I just don't want to interrupt you if you're with someone."

Okay now how does this make sense? She just walked into a restaurant and waited to be seated when the sign says seat yourself. She just stood in line at the bank when there were three free tellers. She just said, "Yes I'll hold" when she called to order pizza and the order-taker asked what she wanted. Who the hell calls and says, "Hi, I'll be glad to wait if you're busy." I mean, that's nice and all but unless I've given you some indication that I'm busy, why the hell would you say that? Stifling the urge to just put her on hold since that seemed to be what she was expecting, I explained to her that I'd answered the phone ready to help her. After that it was pretty ordinary except she knew NOTHING about the books she was looking for and when I gave her all the information she realized she actually wasn't sure if she was looking for a particular book or just any book on the subject and that she needed to ask her son. Probably just another one of those cases where they call thinking there's just one all-inclusive well-known book on every subject and they will never be forced to compare and contrast.

2/14/05

I brought in lots of goodies for my coworkers. All homemade Valentine treats!

So. It's repititious when I mention it each time someone comes to the customer service desk and gets all confused when they find out they can't check out there. I usually don't mention incidents like that unless they are notable. So this is notable.

A dude came up and just stared at me like I was supposed to know what he wanted. He was holding a book so I figured since he wasn't talking he probably thought I could check him out. Nevertheless I asked him if he had a question. "NO," he said in this like "what the HELL is your problem, asshole?" voice, and extended his arm toward me to try to hand me his books. "I just want to RING OUT." "Ohh, well this is the wrong place for that, we don't have a register," I explained, and even though I was already pointing, the guy did this incredibly rude-looking arm spreading gesture that basically said "what? What kind of place is this? As you can see there are no other desks, so why can't I check out at this one?" I indicated the other places with registers and he walked away without saying anything else. I wish people would stop treating me like a malfunctioning computer when I can't give them what they wrongly expect.

Another lady sort of did this too today, she came to the desk and when I told her she couldn't check out at this desk she gave me this "OMG WTF!!111one!!" look. It's amazing how purely, viscerally surprised and confused people can look by simple statements.

A woman wanted a certain book on ADHD and I didn't recognize the title (I'm in charge of the section of the store that carries those). I told her so but assured her I'd look it up on the computer to be sure. Turned out I was right; we'd have to order it. At that point she got this self-righteous tone and said, "You know, it's AMAZING how many books I CAN'T find on such a widespread problem." Yup, our bookstore is just disgraceful because the one book on ADHD that you happen to have picked out is not one we decided to carry. I told her we had two full shelves of books on nothing but ADD/ADHD; we certainly didn't lack for information on the topic, just that particular book. Tough shit, lady.

I helped someone on the phone and then at the end of the interaction he goes, "And what time do y'all open this morning?" We've been open for more than an hour, freako; you think we'd answer the phone and help you if we weren't open? I dunno.

I had an older man come up and tell me he wanted the Uncle John books, which are humorous bathroom readers. I knew exactly what he wanted without looking it up and so I came out of the desk to take him to Humor. As I was walking he started dubiously telling me about how I must be awfully smart to just know this. I ignored that and finished taking him to the section, where there were a billion Uncle Johns to choose from. He again complimented my smarts and I told him I just happened to be familiar with the books; they're popular. He then decided to start telling me about them and how they were interesting and useful and so packed full of interesting tidbits. Guy, I don't mean to burst your bubble, but chances are if someone explicitly states her familiarity with the material, you don't need to give her an introduction to it. Especially when she's waiting for your geriatric ass to shut up so she can go help the other person who's standing at Customer Service with a bewildered "OMG NO ONE'S HELPING ME" look on their face. Okay?

I was trying to leave to go on break, and these days it's very important for me to go when I'm supposed to because otherwise I will crash majorly for not getting my nap when I need it. So I was eagerly punching out on the computer, no customers in sight, when I heard someone talking out of sight, behind me around the corner, saying something about wanting to know where something was. I didn't think she was addressing me because it was coming from behind me and around the corner--I shouldn't be visible to anyone from where I was standing, so I figured maybe I was overhearing a customer asking an associate who was standing over there. No such luck! It turned out this lady had come INTO the employees-only area and just walked up around the corner and was asking me, talking to my back instead of staying in the unrestricted areas and, say, coming around and speaking to my damn face. I ended up having to help her before breaking and that made me very grumpy.

I had a woman tell me she wanted a Lobel book called The Kite and the Garden. It was supposed to be a Frog and Toad book and I was fairly certain only four titles (none of which were THAT) had ever been published. I confirmed that on my computer but then she just kept going on about how her kid's teacher had specifically said they'd be reading that tomorrow and she knew we had it because she'd just talked to the other store and they'd suggested she call us since they were "out." My guess? Someone didn't want to admit they couldn't find it on the computer and had her call me instead. Shit. Well, it turned out that in one of the Frog and Toad books there was a chapter called "The Kite," and in a totally different one there was a chapter called "The Garden." I think the mystery is solved. There's no book called The Kite and the Garden. Chances are they're just good excerpts in your kid's primer or something. How frustrating.

2/13/05

Something most unusual occurred today. Suddenly after a disturbing sound outside, our store collapsed into relative darkness and silence as the registers went out along with half the lights. For more than an hour the café register wouldn't work at all, the back room computer kept rebooting itself, and the lights of our store flickered. Eventually the utilities people came and fixed it and reported what the problem had been.

A squirrel.

A squirrel fried itself somewhere in our electric net and caused quite a disturbance. That's what you call going out with a bang.

2/12/05

"I'm looking for a book to give to my granddaughter for her confirmation. Do you know what that is?" Do I know what confirmation is? Yes. I told him so. He ignored me and gave me a couple more directions about what he wanted and then asked me again if I knew what confirmation was and without being asked started telling me. I stopped him and told him I was familiar with confirmation. He told me a little more about it anyway, "Yeah, and my granddaughter is gonna re-affirm her faith," blah blah. I told him again that I knew what it was and he goes, "I could tell by lookin' at ya that you would know. Ya know, most people don't even know what it is." Okay, so first off how come if you could tell by looking at me that I knew what confirmation was, you were so adamant about telling me? And secondly, how do I "look like I know" about random Christian rituals? I just know because it's kind of common knowledge. My pentacle necklace happened to be under a recently donned sweater at the time, so he had no idea. . . .

A lady said she had the title and the author of a book. I typed in the title and only one or two were that exact title and it wasn't the right author, so I scrolled down for similar titles and still nothing similar as far as authors go was there. So I told her that I'd typed in exactly what she'd said and come up with this, and started reading the list to her. "THAT'S it," she said when I hit the third one. I informed her that it wasn't by the author she'd named and told her what his name was, and she replied, "Yeah, THAT'S the one!" Good thing you were so well-prepared, lady.

A lady gave me a weird look when I started helping her--probably it was actually a returned weird look, because I bet I gave her one. I tend to give people strange looks when they come up and start telling me what they want with no "excuse me" or greeting, like I'm a computer terminal and they can just come up and enter commands. So we exchanged a funny look and then I looked up her book. It was one that wasn't in the system but I ascertained that she wasn't making it up by finding it in the used book searches, and I came out and told her it was out of print. "I don't know," she replied. Maybe she thought I'd asked her if it was out of print? "No, it IS out of print," I said, "and we can't even get it. I found listings for third parties selling them on the Internet but nothing they're still making and nothing you can get anymore." She gave me another funny look and informed me that her son's teacher had assured her that we "had it." ::sigh:: This is one situation I would really like an investigation done on: People who tell other people we have things without checking with us first. And I wonder where the misinformation gets mutated into a customer standing in front of me pissed off that they can't get a book they feel they were promised. Was it a person saying, "I bet they have it" or "You could probably get it at your usual bookstore" and it mutated in the customer's mind as "THEY HAVE IT!!!"? Was it a person saying they saw it at our store once and the customer assuming that means we still and always will carry it? I'd like to know how these get started, because then I will know who to hit when I get my giant cartoon mallet.

2/9/05

Some woman called saying that she wanted a book that's been popular lately, and I replied quickly that I knew we were out. Then she asked me for a companion book to it and I told her we didn't have that either. "Well," she said in this "you-don't-know-what-you're-talking-about-obviously" voice, "My mother ordered one and you guys called and said it was there!" Okay then. That's a frickin' different story, see. Somehow I'm supposed to be able to tell any random customer on the phone that we have a copy of a book we don't carry that we ordered for someone. Yeah. She asked me to check and see if her mom had picked it up yet. She had. The end.

Some lady called us saying she wanted a certain book and we didn't carry it. She replied that she had called us yesterday and we DID have it. I argued the point, saying that I didn't know who she spoke to or what she'd been told but *I* was telling her we didn't carry the book but could order it. She asked me if my other store would have it and I explained thoroughly that our company as a whole would not have this book on the shelf because execs at our company say we don't keep the book on the shelf. She said maybe she'd called another bookstore yesterday--my thoughts exactly!--and asked me for the number for Barnes & Noble. Feh. But of course then that wasn't the end of it. She called back later and obviously no one in town actually had it (likely "we carry it" was interpreted as "we have it" when she called whoever she called yesterday), so she was like, "I want you to call your store in Ocala and see if THEY have it." Yeah, because somehow that whole "our company as a whole doesn't carry it" thing doesn't apply to Ocala. ::sigh::

Oh yeah, I was cleaning the bathroom and on the backs of a couple of the toilets someone had left religious flyers saying something like "WARNING: Religion can be DANGEROUS!" Inside it talks about how you may think you're "religious," but unless you have a personal relationship with THE LORD JESUS CHRIST then your religion is POISON. Hmmmmmmmmmm.

That's the kind of enlightenment I want to find in the bathroom, yes sir.

2/8/05

I had a team of a middle-aged lady and an older lady coming to my desk to foist upon me a series of very confusing questions. First off, one of them wanted a book they said was called "DOs and DON'Ts." As I was typing it in the lady told me it was about fashion. I offhandedly said that it sounded like it was along the same lines as a popular book, What Not To Wear. "That's it!" said the older lady, and I didn't understand immediately but it turned out she was saying that actually What Not To Wear was the book she wanted, and she'd somehow remembered a title that was absolutely unlike the real title. I don't know. I helped her find that one, but the other book for the younger woman was more difficult.

Now, you remember yesterday I had two people on the phone with the same annoying trait? Today this happened again and the younger woman was the first to do it. We got to the section to look for a book that we carried, and after I looked where it should be I explained to her that it was not where it was supposed to be on the shelf and we could look around to see if someone misplaced it but chances were we were out. She kept stepping over to the bookshelf NEXT to where I was looking and just kind of poring over it, and I explained to her that that was not the right section, that was about massage and relaxation, not natural foods, but she kept going over to it and asking me over and over, "So it's THIS whole section?" When she said it a third time I absolutely could not believe it and just kind of looked at her in shock, then repeated word for word what I'd just said: "That-section-is-massage-and-relaxation-not-natural-foods." And then she goes, "Is it in alphabetical order?" I said that it was. "By author or title?" I swallowed my tongue. "Author." "Author's FIRST name or LAST?"

WHAT?????

WHO THE FUCK WOULD ORGANIZE A SECTION BY THE AUTHORS' FIRST NAMES???

And couldn't she TELL by looking? Anyway, that bit about asking how a section's arranged, that's the part that recurred later in another customer interaction. He asked me if the books were in order by the author's first or last name. I DO NOT COMPREHEND THIS. I CANNOT COMPREHEND THIS.

A woman asked me for a certain biography and after I started walking her to the right section it became obvious that her claim of having looked "all over the store" for Biography was bogus since she'd never made it past the sale tables at the front half of the store. I took her to Bio and told her they were organized by who they're about, and went right to the T's for her person. This was apparently too much for her brain. She slowed down as we got to Bio and stopped somewhere in the M's as I continued down to the right place, and she just stood there slowly moseying along with a telltale finger stretched out in front of her like she was carefully examining every book, having started at a random spot on an M shelf to steadfastly glance at every spine. It baffles me how many people just assume there is no rhyme or reason to how the store is organized.

A lady called and she wanted a couple books from a series. She said the first one was called The Bastard, and then I couldn't understand what her title was for the second one. It sounded like "The Tea Tins." Tea tins? Bastards and tea tins? Whatever. I told her I didn't understand this second word she was using and asked her to spell that for me. "T-I-T-A-N-S," she said.

Yes, Titans. Tea Tins. Whatever.

What was even worse was she told me she was going to use her school board discount to pay for these books. She's an educator. God help her students.

2/7/05

Thankfully it was a pretty calm day, which is nice when comparing it to freakin' yesterday.

Weirdly enough I had two people do very similar things on the phone. The first was a woman who called and said that she wanted me to check and see if I had a book in stock, but "I'm in a big hurry so you can just call me back unless you're going to look right now." Um? What gives you the impression that I'm gonna sit down and read a magazine before I help you? I assured her that I was in fact walking to the computer with the phone in my hand actively helping her, and she calmed down. Then Ms. I'm-So-Busy spent approximately five minutes talking to me about what she wanted; her book wasn't available through the usual channels and every time I answered a question she found a way to ask it again in different terms. Oh well.

The other was a lady who said she'd called yesterday and asked for two books to be put on hold, but then she didn't await the verdict as to whether they had the books; "Just call me back after you find them," she said. Well, she said they'd be under her first name, so I checked there, and there was nothing on hold so I said they probably hadn't found them. I asked for her titles so I could see what the story was, and we carried one of the books so I went and got it to put under her first name. She wanted to order the other one when I told her we didn't carry it, so I put in an order and got her last name too. During the conversation she kept kinda throwing digs at whoever had helped her last night, saying something about how the computer said we had them but we weren't able to find them, and that because they were not on hold now she didn't know WHAT they were doing. Anyway, I completed her order and went to put the other book I'd pulled for her under her first name . . . and because her first name started with the same letter as her last name, I found myself putting the book right next to another copy of the same book with her LAST name on it. Silly me, I had given her the benefit of the doubt and assumed she really had put it under the first name. I found out later from the associate who helped her that she'd found the book and called her at the number she gave, but no one ever answered. Yup.

And this crappy thing happened to one of my coworkers. Some young guy wanted help with some books and asked if we carried a certain type. My coworker said we did and pointed in the right direction, and asked the dude if he wanted to be walked to the section. "No, that's all right man, I'll find it," he said, and walked off. He then got lost, apparently, and used his cell phone to call our number, personally requesting that our manager help him. She was a little weirded out by his calling her from in the store, but she helped him, and the dude commented that the employee who'd helped him "just seemed like he didn't want to help me." What? You don't tell someone "yeah I can find it" and then later complain on them because they didn't help you!

2/6/05

Here's the doozy of the day, the week, and maybe the lifetime.

It started off normally enough. This woman with two young girls was wandering around the kids' section, and I overheard her yelling at her kids in this really sort of asinine way (like "who talks to a kid like that??" way). Then I overheard her wondering aloud if we had the Leap Frog videos, and she told one of her kids she'd find someone and ask. She rounded the corner and found me stocking, and said, "Do you work here?"

I said I did, and she goes, "You DO??" I stood up, showed her my apron, and cheerfully said, "Yup!" I told her maybe the apron had been hiding under my jacket but I do indeed work there. Since I had overheard her question I knew what she'd be asking, but went ahead and let her ask anyway. "Do you carry videos of Leap Frog series?" I told her we don't do videos at this store. "How about music?" she asked, and I told her we didn't sell music either. Then she started rambling about how she wanted a DVD of something and didn't we have "anything like that?" I told her we didn't sell software, music, or videos--just books. I clarified that sometimes in the back of a book there'd be a CD or a DVD but that we don't have a section for them and very few of them are kids' books. "And you don't have anything like [I'm just spelling it like she said it] Readums?" I didn't know what that was so I assumed it was probably some software or educational aid that I didn't know about. "Well is there someone here who KNOWS more about the children's books?" she asked. I gave her a sideways look and told her I was the specialist for the section. What, we don't carry something so she assumes I must just not know where it is? She asked me again if I didn't have DVDs or CDs in a book, and I reiterated that we don't have videos but then I volunteered that we DO have a section that's JUST books on tape or CD. She asked me to take her there and I did. Then I pointed out that they weren't books WITH CDs, just the CDs themselves, and just left her to browse.

I was already annoyed about that whole interaction but it was nothing major, really. It became something major when she came back. She came up to the desk and addressed me, holding a Winnie-the-Pooh CD.

"I just wanted you to know," she said, "that you have a WHOLE SECTION back there of CDs, and you didn't know." A little surprised, I reiterated that she'd asked for DVDs, not CDs, and she said, "NO, this is what I was asking for. And you didn't even know you had this entire section. You don't know what you have in your store." I told her I did in fact know what was in the store and that I'd been the Kids' specialist for nearly FIVE YEARS.

"Well you need to LEARN what's in your store!"

I shook my head again and said she had asked for DVDs, and then CDs with a book, but never did she ask for books on CD. At this point she was slowly walking away from the desk with this righteous expression, and she called more insanity at me: "No, it's just sad, you just don't know what books you have. How embarrassing for you that you don't know."

At this point two other customers and THREE associates at Customer Service were standing there staring at her wondering what the HELL was going on. I had a surprised smile on my face for most of this but at that point I just laughed and shook my head and said, "No, no, that's wrong. You asked me for DVDs, not CDs." Besides, I took her to CDs when I figured out that might be what she wanted even if she wasn't saying it right; how did she think my competence should be called into question because we had a miscommunication?

"I'm a teacher," she said loudly, still walking away with her kids trailing behind her, "and I'm going to let your manager know about this."

I just laughed and said, "OHHH kay! Yeah, this is bizarre," and let her go. She stormed off.

At that point one of my coworkers came up to me and was like, "OH my God, how did you refrain from leaping over the desk and killing her?" I laughed again and shook my head and went back over to the stocking I'd been doing.

Before I'd even been able to put anything on the shelf, I heard myself paged to the office, so I went. In the office were two of my managers and four of my coworkers, all in a buzz over what had just happened (some having witnessed it and some trying to get the story from those who had seen it). I guess they wanted to hear it from me. I just kinda pranced in there and was like, "What?" I told the story as best I could and warned my managers that she was planning to "tell the manager" about me, so one of them was probably going to get called to the register. While we were discussing this, one manager got paged, and though she said it was probably just a return, I said it was probably that lady wanting to talk to a manager (the timing was about right), so up went one of my managers and two other associates followed her so they could overhear what the evil lady was going to say. I hung out in Kids' for a moment and then I got curious about whether it really was the evil lady or what so I snuck up behind them and hid in the Bible section.

The woman was indeed going off on me. I overheard her telling the manager that I had been very rude to her and acted like it was a big problem to answer questions, and that I obviously wasn't very happy here and didn't want to be at this store if I acted like that. I overheard my manager tell her that apparently I had been under the impression that she'd been asking for DVDs (which we didn't have), and the lady barked, "NO. Well, yes, but I asked for both!" The lady reiterated that she was a teacher and that I had been very unhelpful and that she had been in a hurry because she had her children with her, et cetera, and then I guess she needed to go foist bitchiness off on someone else because she left quickly after buying her stuff.

One of my other coworkers came up and told me that she was "behind me all the way" because she had been in the magazine section actually overhearing my first conversation with the lady (during which she repeatedly asked for DVDs but didn't realize it). I think part of it was that she didn't realize she was saying DVD, or maybe she thinks a DVD is ANY CD and not just particular video kind (because I kept replying to her that we didn't have VIDEOS). Also, when she said "Readums" and I didn't know what it was, maybe that's some school slang from where she's from (apparently she was a teacher in Texas) that actually means books on CD or something. In any case, for some reason she decided to make a sweeping judgment of my ability to run my kids' section based on us having a miscommunication.

So, it was very amusing for the next half hour, everyone catching everyone else up on what had happened and what the evil lady had said, and people shaking their heads at the very idea that anyone would think I don't know what I'm talking about, and especially that line about how it was so embarrassing for me to not know my section. Guess what? I frequently get compliments on how well I know my shit; got a compliment yesterday in fact. I'm sorry, but it's indisputable that I rule. End of story. And guess what, lady? You just made a scene in an attempt to make me look wrong, and yet the only person who looked out of line was you. HOW EMBARRASSING FOR YOU.

That last entry was more than enough jackassery for one day, but I'm afraid there is more. Lots more. Today was an Assholes convention.

My coworker got a crappy phone call where the lady wanted to know if her book had come in yet. He typed in her phone number and we got an entry but there was nothing that had been ordered since 2003. So he tried an alternate phone number. Nothing. He then decided to ask for her name, and had some trouble with the spelling; at one point she said "g as in go," and he heard "d as in dough," so when he re-spelled it for her and had it wrong she exploded and started to get really impatient with him, like JEEZUS WHY WOULD IT BE SO HARD TO FIND A BOOK IN THE COMPUTER type attitude. Finally he pulled her up by her name and still the only entry was way back in 2003. When he told her that she loudly asked us if we were a totally different store.

He told her that we weren't that store. A moment later I heard him kinda laugh and say, "Mystery solved."

Yup. Sure is tough to find you in the computer when you didn't order anything from us.

I had a woman who wanted an application today. I told her I'd check and see if any were printed out. There weren't, so I waited for someone to be done with the computer so I could print one. We didn't have any paper either! I said, "OH, we don't even have any paper!" Probably something we forgot to order. "Sorry," I said, "we're out, we'll have to wait until we get some more." She just kinda stared at me and waited for me to do something else. I guess I was supposed to say "just kidding" and hand her the ones I'd been holding out on? I dunno. "Sorry," I prompted again, and she was like, "OKAY," and walked away in this sort of head-shaking manner like, "Yeah, that girl obviously just didn't know where they were or was too lazy to get them." People are misinterpreting me a lot today, aren't they?

I have a new breed of people I don't like. They're the ones who either don't have any information or have the wrong information about the book they want, and then when I'm unable to find it they start telling me things about the book that don't help, like "Well it's a TRUE STORY" or "Well my husband said the author was on Oprah" or something. Grr.

A lady came up and told me she was lost. "I always get mixed up between your store and the other store. Where's New Age??" I took off to let her follow me, and she explained to me how she had "been up and down this store and just could NOT find it." I found it (and it's substantial!) and said, "This is your aisle right here!" She explained how at the other store the New Age section faces the OTHER way, so she didn't think to check any of the signs on the other sides of the bookcases. Uh-huh. Imagine that; she checked "all up and down this store" but it seems more to me that that's a lot of up and not much down, considering she only checked HALF the signs. Weird.

A man and his son came in asking for FCAT books, which makes me groan every time. This is the first year Florida has begun requiring these extra tests in more grades than fourth and tenth grade (or something like that, I don't know the exact details but everyone's freaking about it), and our company being based in Alabama means generally they have no clue about materials for new curriculum requirements in Florida. I still have nothing but help guides for fourth grade and tenth grade. So the guy asked me for FCAT and I looked at his son, judging him to be too old for the fourth and too young for the tenth, and I grudgingly asked, "What grade?" The guy replied that he wanted sixth, and I volunteered that we only had fourth and tenth. I explained the situation to him and then told him I'd check the computer to see if anything had changed in available materials since the last time I looked. (I've long since learned that most people get hostile if you give them a knowledgeable answer without checking a computer. They assume not that you really do know but that you're too lazy to find out.) I read to the guy all the available titles for FCAT prep, noting for him that they all seemed to be for fourth grade or tenth. "Sorry," I said. The dude replied, "Okay, well then . . . how about for eighth grade?"

I don't know whether I'd bop the guy with a paddle at this point or whether I'd bang my own head on it.

Repeating what I've already said is always the best part with these people.

And a last fun thing. I was talking to a coworker about how many of our current employees have odd piercings; the girl I was talking to has a lip ring and some unusual ear piercings, and there are several more with tongue, lip, nose, and eyebrow piercings. When I said that, she volunteered that some dude was rude to her over hers recently. She could tell he was staring at her lip ring while she was ringing him up, and he kept answering a very curt "NO" to all her required questions (as if he was saying, "how dare you be pierced in front of me!"). Finally as he was leaving he said, "Can I give you a frank opinion?" What was she gonna say? She said sure, and he said, "I think your piercings are gross." Then he left. Okay, son of a bitch. You think her piercings are gross. We think you're a dick. Now we're even. Ya know, even if you have an opinion like that, leave other people alone. It's one thing if your significant other, in a moment of honesty, says they don't really like your piercings, or if you ask someone what they think and they honestly say they're not a fan. It's another thing entirely to be a crotchety jackass who just shits all over people. She just kinda said "thanks" to him and later felt hurt by it. Another girl with a visible tattoo on her lower back was asked by a man, "Does your FATHER know you have that tattoo?" She said he did and the dude was like, "Does he approve?" Not really. Who taught you people to be such dickfaces?

2/5/05

A lady had an issue with her gift card. Apparently she had bought it in a store but then called bamm.com to get the balance transferred to an online card, but then AFTER the balance had been switched they went and told her she couldn't order anything for 36 hours or something. So she decided to just come to the store and buy what she wanted, except guess what . . . her gift card no longer worked in stores. There's a good reason for that; it had been made into an online card. But none of the stuff she was saying was particularly doofusey. What was doofusey was a man who seemed to be her husband. He came into the conversation about halfway through and listened to the tail end of my manager telling his wife that there was nothing we could do at the moment, considering it was not an issue we were equipped to handle and the people who CAN handle it do not work weekends at the home office. Feh. Now, this guy came up and he's like, "So what's the problem?" In the midst of explaining the situation to the husband (between my manager and the lady), the guy kept inserting these really inane "helpful" comments, obviously not understanding the problem very deeply. Every time he said something you could tell he thought he'd just said something very obvious that both of the women must be overlooking, and he as the man had just come in and solved the problem. My favorite was when he asked how much the gift card was worth and the woman replied, "Twenty dollars," and he said, "Well then, just use the card and take twenty dollars off." Gawd. Oh duh, we didn't think to actually try using the card. He also said some junk about, "Well then *I*'ll pay for it. MY name's not attached to it." It became clear then that he seemed to think there was a problem with the wife's DISCOUNT CARD and somehow he could get around the system by not having the flagged person use the gift card. Okay. Dude? You don't understand what's going on. So butt out okay?

Tell me if this one makes sense.

I was asked for an application for employment. I gave the person an application and then she said, "Can I get another one? Like, in case it gets coffee spilled on it or something?" I just kind of gave her a fish-eyed look and asked why on God's green Earth she needed a second application in case the first one got stained. "Well, ya know, like maybe I'll leave it on the counter at home, and my dad will spill coffee on it, and then when he cleans it up he won't even look at the paper, he'll just throw it out, so I want a backup one in case."

I DO NOT GET THIS.

If you can plan ahead enough to foresee the possibility that this very unlikely event might happen, wouldn't it make more sense to just NOT LEAVE IT ON THE COUNTER rather than getting a backup copy just in case you happen to leave it around like a dork and your dad happens to spill stuff on it? How about putting it somewhere it will be safe from coffee in the first place? I don't get it. Unless she for some reason thought I wouldn't give her a second application for another person and thought she needed a convincing story to make me cough up two.

Girl, you've got a lot to learn about convincing stories. Lord!

2/2/05

A guy asked me where we keep our "day timers."

Does anyone read that and have any idea what he means?

[Note: A friend from Utah told me they call them that there. Maybe it's a regional thing? Dunno.]

I asked for more information and it became clear that he wanted a planner, and I took him to where I have a few of those left. "You don't have the book?" he replied when he saw the small selection. Then I had to coax out of him what he meant by "the book." (I guess he wanted something that was more like a little billfold, which we only had like small notebook size.) I wonder if I am dense or if this guy was incredibly vague?

A lady asked me for a particular book and I looked it up in the computer and it said we carried it. I offered to take her over there and help her look for it. "Is it this section?" she asked as we went into Health. I told her the computer had said if we had it it'd be this section, and she was like, "Oh, well you probably don't have it then, because I've already been all through that section." We looked anyway, and there (lo and behold) was the book right where it was supposed to be. I pulled it out for her. "OH, well it must've been because it was in on its side," she said, and when I gave her a confused "What?" she explained that she hadn't actually looked at any of the books whose spines were showing; she'd only looked at the ones turned face out (which is a very small minority--maybe three to ten percent). She looked at me and said, "I guess that's pretty stupid huh?" Umm. . . . Well, no comment.

I found this misplaced toy while I was rearranging my Beanie Babies display today; it was this religious-themed lamb stuffed animal with a crank to turn so you can hear chimes to the tune of "Jesus Loves Me." I figured I would regret it, but turned the crank anyway as I was taking it back to its intended place of display. The box also advertised that while the music played it would "move gently." Imagine my surprise when I released the crank and it sputtered through the song in an unrecognizable blur of high notes, coupled with a seizure-like spasm of movement through the stuffed animal's body.

Okay, so it's broken.

I began to have some fun playing with it after that. It was really disturbing actually. I showed it to one of my coworkers, explained to her what it was supposed to do, and then released the crank; when it spasmed and choked out its satanic version of "Jesus Loves Me," she actually jumped back and gasped. It really was that shocking. So now we have a new disturbing stuffed animal friend.

A lady asked me for a book I knew we didn't have (I'd just ordered it for someone yesterday). I told her the bad news, and she replied, "Well, would any of the other libraries have it?"

"Other" libraries?

Understandably confused, I repeated back to her what she'd said and she was like, "Yes, would other libraries have it?" I told her I didn't know what she meant by "other libraries," and she just said, "OH, okay, thank you!" like I'd answered something and hung up. Did I miss something here?

A lady held up a cookbook and told me she was looking for another one of those. I told her it'd be right where she found the first one (she was looking in the right place), and even after I told her there wasn't any other place to try looking she just kept not responding and just looking at me like I was supposed to stop telling her these things that amounted to "I don't have it" and start telling her things that amounted to "let me make one appear right now." When I told her the best thing I could do was order one and that she could come back to the desk with me and place the order if she wanted, she did not even respond to my direct "Okay?" I just walked away. I guess some people just tune you out if you can't help them immediately.

Someone wanted a map today and we were out of the one of our city. "You don't have any maps of Gainesville?" she said incredulously, and I explained that it wasn't like we just don't carry them; we're out. She quizzed me a few more times to see if she could rearrange her words in such a way that it would make me produce what she wanted, but it was all to no avail. "Well you better order some then," she said, "because you just lost a sale." Yeah, because without customers notifying me that we're out of this or that, I wouldn't know it's time to "order more." Sorry, but our replacement system is a little more efficient than word of mouth.

A lady came up and wanted the book for Phantom of the Opera. She informed me that it had been originally a book BEFORE the movie. Wow, news to me--not. Yes, believe it or not I did know that. Anyway, I looked up the author and took her to Literature, where I found a copy for her. She then began doing this very odd thing: She would start a sentence and then not finish it, waiting for me to answer her when she hadn't formed a thought yet. "Gaston Leroux, so he's the original . . . ?" Then she started another one since I didn't say anything. "So how did they . . . ?" I just stood there and waited for the ending of the sentence, but it didn't come. "Okay, thank you," she said, and walked around me. Ohhhkay.

2/1/05

Woo, it's "people don't want to listen to me" day! Okay, so a woman on the phone happened to call while I was already helping someone. She said she wanted me to find out if we had a book. I told her I would be right with her and to please hold on. "The book is called The Breast Book," she went on, as if I hadn't spoken. I repeated what I'd said and put her on hold. I don't get it. I didn't say, "Okay, tell me what you need, I'm in a position to help you." Argh.

A woman called and wanted to talk to the café. I told her to hold on and put her on hold. Now, our portable phone is REALLY annoying. It does not handle transfers. So what I had to do was finish helping the customer I was helping, then go to the customer service desk, get the lady back on the portable phone, pick up the C/S phone, get the call to go onto the C/S phone and OFF of the portable phone, and THEN hit the transfer key to put it into the café.

Unfortunately, this lady did not want to give me the benefit of the doubt that I knew what I was doing.

As soon as the phone went off of the hold music (which was me getting her back on the portable), she started going, "Hello? Hel-LOOO! Hello? Hel-LOOO!" in this sarcastic tone. Okay, see if no one can hear you, you're wasting your breath. If someone CAN hear you, that's awfully rude, don't you think? To repeat "hello" over and over like that . . . anyway. I went to transfer her the correct way, but the lady hung up, apparently assuming she had been screwed up in the connection process. I stood and waited for her to call back, but she didn't.

Yet.

She decided to wait until I was with another customer, so that the whole fun thing could happen again. I told her what had happened and explained that she had hung up and that was the only reason she didn't get transferred. Then I repeated the process. When I got back up to the desk to do this again, I heard her doing it again: "Hello? Hel-LOOO! Hello? Hel-LOOO!" I just ignored her and transferred the call. Apparently this time she hung on long enough to realize that actually yes she was being taken care of. Grr.

Oh, I'm tired of these people who decide they're in control of the interaction and have to seize the conversation when THE EMPLOYEE is the one who knows what information is needed. Twice today (twice in a ROW, I might add, so that the second person HEARD me go through this with the first person), I had people wanting to order books and they kept giving me shit I didn't need. The first was a couple ordering two books and I asked if they'd ordered with us before. They seemed to think it was terribly important for me to find records of them having ordered before even though I assured them that I was only asking to see if they were already in the computer before I went and created redundant entries for them. Once upon a time they lived in North Carolina and the guy wanted to give me all that information like somehow it was gonna help me to dig up the phone number they used to have in another state. I JUST NEED YOUR NAME AND PHONE NUMBER. I explained that to them. This prompted the woman to pull out her discount card and try to hand it to me and ask me repeatedly if it would help. Look. This is not a complicated thing. I need your name. And your phone number. Then I will call you and tell you when the books are here. Not hard! Just let ME deal with asking YOU the questions. The lady right after them pulled out her discount card when I asked if she'd ordered with us before too.

Some little kid playing with the train set decided to see if he could pull one over on us and his guardian. His mom wasn't with him; it was his "teacher," and he went over and picked up one of the trains and informed Teacher that it was his and that he'd left it here "a long long time ago." He spent a long time before that trying to FIND Teacher, and was screaming, "TEACHER!!!!" over and over until one of my coworkers came over and asked him what was the deal. The kid started explaining to him that this train was his and he needed to take it home with him. "Yeah, little buddy, you sure it's not our train?" he replied, and the boy kept insisting that it was his train and since Teacher had joined them by then he was trying to convince her too, all in a very loud voice. Teacher did not let him take it, which bothered him. "But I brought it here and left it here a long long time ago," he repeated, "and I need to take it with me." Suuuuuuuuuuure.

Some lady had ordered the second Charlie Bone book and told one of my coworkers she didn't want the book anymore. "So you don't want the Bone?" he asked her, and she agreed that she did not. Customer did not want the Bone, he wrote on the slip for returning. Heh.