My Record of Work: The Annoying, the Interesting, and the Just Plain Weird--The Year 2003.

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DECEMBER!


12/31/03

Okay, I'm a jerk or something, but I really wanted to hit this lady. Some woman and her husband were walking around the Kids' section and I heard her say to the guy, "You know, I always thought Thomas was a train, but I guess he's a tank." The guy was like, "What?" and she explained to him that she'd always thought, with the Thomas books, toys, and videos, that Thomas was supposed to be a train, but now she's reconsidering because these signs all say "Thomas the Tank." So he must be a tank! Okay. First off, a tank and a train look VERY different, and Thomas is a TRAIN, and there are no TANKS on the island of Sodor in case you haven't noticed. Secondly, the sign only says "Thomas the Tank" because it is short for "Thomas the Tank Engine." You've never heard of a tank engine? And you're going to just decide, "Oh, well, I'll just decide that even though he LOOKS like a train and everyone else always CALLS him a train, that sign says 'tank' so he must be a tank." You FREAK!


12/30/03

Yeah, imagine my surprise when I arrived at work today and my manager let me in and said, "What are YOU doing here?" I'd been randomly erased from the schedule for an extra day when the boss was attempting to save hours. Who knew?


12/29/03

This wasn't technically at work, but some girl on the bus on my WAY to work was being a total asshole, so I'll write about her. See, during the weeks when school is out at the college, the bus schedule is lightened so that some of the bus routes don't have as many buses running. That's the case for my route. This morning, I got on and some jackass got on after me, and started barking all these command-questions at the driver, like "What time do 75 come to the mall?" and "How often the bus 20 be coming?" (Note: no "please" or "do you know" preceding her questions.) When the bus driver told her that the route 20 has lessened its frequency to every 30 minutes, she made an exasperated sound and said, "Is that 'cause the kids out of school?" He agreed that it was, and she made another exasperated clicking sound and said, "Well how people supposed to get to work if they gotta work at 7:30?" He replied, sort of surprised-sounding, that the buses had been running their 30-minute frequency since 6 that morning. She shut up, but I got the idea that she was still pissed off and figured she should be able to snap her fingers and make buses appear. Guess what, lady? Buses run for public transportation, and if you don't have your own transportation you're at the mercy of the service they're PROVIDING you. The schedule for this week has been posted ON the buses, IN the schedule books, and ON the internet since the beginning of the FALL SEMESTER, so it's not like it's their fault if you can't be bothered to a) find out when the buses are coming and b) get your ass to a bus stop in time to get picked up. No one is going to babysit you--we're supposed to be adults here. But no, by all means, make exasperated sounds all you like.

My only real work Asshole was someone I didn't even talk to. Our main cashier is REALLY good at selling discount cards, and that's partially because he usually does some quick math in his head and calculates whether one of the coupons that you get by buying the discount card would make the books cheap enough to warrant getting the discount card. (Some people's totals drop enough that the card is free or only costs a couple bucks with the coupon, depending on what they're buying.) But unfortunately some people only hear what they want to hear. So some lady was taken in by his usual speech and got her card for free; please note that he never says "The card will be free"--he says it won't cost them extra because of what they're saving with the coupon. She got home, read her receipt, saw a charge for ten dollars, and called our manager, raging pissed. She said she wanted to come back in and get her money refunded. Our cashier, when presented with the possibility that maybe he phrased it in a misleading way, replied that he never tells people their cards are free but always tries to be very clear about the coupons offsetting the price of the card. He added that if she wants to come in and get her money refunded for the discount card, she is then obligated to pay the full price for the book she bought . . . which will probably be more money. Let's see which she chooses. . . .


12/28/03

My God. I think maybe I'm being elitist or something here, because honestly I understand that there are people who don't know things "everybody" knows (and sometimes I am one of them), but this really surprised me. A lady came up and she said, "I'm looking for something called . . . The Hobbit?" I almost thought she was kidding, because as you might imagine that book is all over the store, being pushed with Lord of the Rings. I was especially surprised by her tone of voice because it sounded like she didn't know what it was. This was confirmed when she went on, saying, "The author is something like J.R.R. . . ." and then she couldn't remember, "something, like . . . Folksign? I don't know. . . ." In the meantime I have come around the desk and grabbed a copy that happened to be right behind her, and I was like, "YEAH we have it, it's related to Lord of the Rings," and she's like "OH, that explains why he wants it!" Yeah. She then couldn't decide which one she wanted and kept picking up things that weren't The Hobbit; I think she had a thing for Viggo's face because she kept picking up movie covers for Return of the King. "Is this it?" No. That is not it. Put it d--NO, put it down! I already gave you three versions to choose from! Stop fawning over Aragorn! Poo! Heheh.

Some ass in the checkout line decided he couldn't be bothered to wait, and said, "HEY, I have exact change, can I just go??" He wanted to buy a newspaper. He was waving a dollar at me; I was in the middle of a return but I glanced at him and told him there was tax on papers. "I know! I've got it right here, six cents," he barked, coming out of line and shoving it at me around the side of the counter. He tried to walk out then, and I told him that the paper HAD to be scanned. He just waved it at me and tried to walk out, and I demanded that he give me the paper to scan it. He acted really offended and all put-upon that he was being forced to WAIT, and I just grabbed his paper and rang it up as I was supposed to, then put his money away. This little gag is something Loss Prevention tries to do to us; they have rules about EVERYTHING needing to be rung through the register and so they send their spies to get in line when there are lots of people and try to catch us doing bad things. Let's just hope this was a Loss Prevention agent and I passed, rather than just some bastard. I like to think there are fewer bastards in the world if possible, and if someone was being paid to be a dick it's not as bad.


12/27/03

Never thought I'd say this, but I miss getting elf comments. :) No more elf costume!

Some jackass called me and asked me for a certain book. It was one of those inspirational books that ends up hitting big and the publishers respond by making a new version "for moms" and "for teens" or whatever. She was looking for the version "for women," and after poring through the shelf I determined that the only versions I had were "for teens" and "for men." She replied, "Well, do you have any of just the original?" And I repeated that we did not, just for teens and for men. She said, "But do you have the ORIGINAL," like I haven't understood her. So instead of confusing her with these complicated things called "words," I just replied, "NO." "Well," she said, "that's because I bought them all. I came and got all you had of those and the ones for women. You know, you really should order some!" Oh! Well I'm sure glad you told me. Since our ordering system is entirely based on associates noticing we're out of something or kindly being told so by our customers, not by any computerized system of replacing what has been sold. Lady, you can order books for yourself if you want and they'll come in saved only for you, but do not tell me "Well, you ought to get some then!" That is not my job or your business. (Incidentally she was not interested in ordering them, but instead told me she'd "keep checking." What sense does that make? You're guaranteed to get however many copies you want if you order them for yourself! But no amount of explaining this to this lady made her want to get an order, it's just "no, I'll wait--you'll make sure you get some, right?" Oh, yes ma'am. Click.)


12/24/03

Only ONE Asshole on Christmas Eve! Can you freaking believe it?? Anyway, she was this lady who wanted help finding a certain cookbook. I looked it up for her and when I told her we were supposed to have it and where (with an assurance that I would now help her find it), she made this miffed little noise and told me, "Well, those cookbooks are SO disorganized." Yeah. Well, the order honestly doesn't make a lot of sense if you don't know offhand what you're looking for--I mean, how are you supposed to know there's a "Busy Cooks" section? But anyway, it just pissed me off, because just because you don't KNOW the order doesn't mean that they're therefore "disorganized." I was able to go right to the book that she wanted, and I saw no problems, so it's not "disorganized." It's just not necessarily something you'd guess the order of before going into the section and checking it out. I just get all annoyed when people crap out by informing me that their inability to find a book is entirely our fault, like we just throw the books on the shelf willy-nilly instead of it being a case of their not understanding what our order IS.


12/23/03

Some jerk lady told me she "needed help desperately" (which was proved true in a moment, but I don't think I can give her the kind of help she really needs). She asked me if a book she was choosing would be okay for an eight-year-old, and then showed me the seventh book in the Broken Sky series and asked me if I thought it'd be appropriate for her grandson. I asked, "Well, does he like Broken Sky?" and she said, "Well, I don't know." So I asked her, if she had no idea if he liked that series, why was she was getting him the seventh book of it? "Oh, well he's up on this stuff!" she said, and of course that made no fucking sense. So I explained to her that no, I didn't think it was appropriate to get her grandson the seventh book in a series if she has no idea if he's read the other six. I told her if anything I'd get him number one. "I didn't see a number one over there though," she said. Yeah, so the answer is get number seven! Anyway I walked her over there and picked up the first book in the series immediately (it was even facing out) and gave it to her, and she said, "Ohh, well this book isn't all of them in one?" I told her it in fact was not all the books in one--the seventh book in that series IS suspiciously thick (like three times the size of the other six books), so I kinda see where she got confused, but I think the fact that it was book 7 was evidenced by, well, the really large numeral seven on the side of it. Go fig.

Some freaking lady called and asked if our Hallmark ornaments are already half off. Okay. If you're a Hallmark vulture (like this lady obviously is), you KNOW that they go on sale, and assumingly you know that they go on sale the day it makes sense: The day AFTER Christmas. So come on by. Press your nose against the door and wait for the doors to open, and RUN to the bin, and push other vulture women away from the dead carcasses (I mean, marked-down Hallmark ornaments), and make sure YOU get the best deal, 'cause it's really important you know. It makes me think of those seagulls in Finding Nemo. "Mine? Mine? Mine?"

I helped a lady at Customer Service, and after she had decided what she wanted, I asked her if she had any other questions. She said, "No, I'll just get this one then." I said okay and moved to the other side of the desk to write something down. She just stood there. I was like, oh God, she thinks she can check out here. Somehow my dismissing question of "Did you need help with anything else?" and subsequent removal of myself from her immediate presence did not alert her to the fact that I was not going to check her out. But she just stood there. And stood there. So I decided to experiment on her. God I'm mean! Haha. I walked away from the desk, toddled around in Kids' for a few minutes to tidy up some stuff, and then glanced back. Yup, she was STILL just standing there, clueless. So I came back up and hung around the other side of the desk, ready for her to try to flag me down this time and demand that I check her out. She did no such thing. So I finally went over to her and said, "Are you just waiting for someone?" She said, "Well no, I just wanted to purchase this!" "Ohhh," I said, pretending to be surprised, "well the checkout is over in that corner." She looked startled, looked where I was pointing, and said, "Oh, okay, I didn't know, this is my first time here." I don't care. It being your first time in my store does not mean you can't figure out the situation. I just don't even know how to explain why this irks me so much. Why couldn't she figure out that maybe she checks out elsewhere when I specifically asked her if she needed anything else and then WALKED AWAY? I mean, if people could check out at my desk, you would think I would know, as an employee, that maybe they'd want to, and would ask them. But they CAN'T check out at my desk, so I usually don't ask if they want to, you know? I just don't get why this lady stood there for probably a total of at least three minutes, just waiting for someone to check her out when there had been no indication that anyone was going to. Jeez.


12/22/03

Some lady was looking for a book that I'd never heard of, though of course "It's a popular children's book." I typed it in the computer and nothing was coming up, but it was taking me a while to scroll through near-titles since this lady's exact title brought up jack, so the lady got impatient partway through and instructed her daughter to go to the Kids' section and look for it while she waited for me. Okay. This makes no sense. I can't find any record of the damn book existing, and you don't know what kind of book it is or who wrote it, but you think it's a sound option to send your daughter over to Kids' to just wander around LOOKING for it. Greeaaaaat. (We never found it. I have no doubt that she just had the title so grossly confused that I couldn't figure out what it really was.)

Oh, next I have to mention Dish Guy. First off I'd been called to the register to do a return, but he stopped me before I got there. (Luckily someone else had taken care of the return, so I could be free to help this man since he was pretty demanding about it.) He wanted to know where we have books on pricing dishware, so I took him back to Antiques and pointed out that most of the plates and dishware and whatnot would probably be listed in the books in this certain section. (There was one for pottery and porcelain, and one for glassware.) The FIRST thing he said when he got to the section--mind you, WITHOUT looking at anything!--was, "I can't believe you don't HAVE anything on DISHES!"

Pardon me? When did I ever say I didn't have anything on dishes?

So I repeated for him that anything on the subject would be in this area, and he responded by grabbing random books off the shelf and saying, "I can't believe it, you've got books on TOYS, a WHOLE BOOK on just Coca-Cola collectibles, and you don't have DISHES!" I asked him whether the dishes he wanted were glassware or maybe pottery or porcelain or what have you, but he's like, "They're DISHES, don't you have one just on dishes? It's a 1987 . . ." and he starts rattling off exactly what kind of dishes they are in this roundabout way that tells me he's totally exasperated for some reason and thinks that giving me the stats helps at all. So, I told him I didn't see anything labeled just "dishes," but if he had a certain collectible company or something he wanted me to LOOK UP to order (or if he wanted me to look up books on just dishes that we could order), I could do it. "I can't believe there's nothing here," he went on, ignoring my attempts to help, "I'm not gonna come BACK to this place if there's nothing to get, I can't believe you don't have DISHES, I mean here's a whole book on BASEBALL CARDS, and you don't have DISHES! You know, people COLLECT dishes!" And all this without even looking at a single book! He started demanding to know where he could go to get a book on his subject, and I told him I didn't know, if he wasn't looking for a certain book then I couldn't tell him anything about said book's availability. "You don't KNOW?" he burst, and I said, "That's right, I don't." And I was obviously unashamed of it, too. I told him that maybe his dishes might be listed IN a larger book, and if he'd just maybe make a decision and TELL me what KIND of dish they were then I could help a little, but he just kept being ornery and completely standing in his own way of getting help, so I told him what he saw was what he got and if he thought of anything else I could help him with or anything he wanted me to order, he could find me. I just walked away at that point. Well apparently he pitched a fit and another associate tried to help him for upwards of half an hour, and he never lowered himself to actually offering any information or in fact doing anything more than just loudly complaining about how ridiculous it is that we don't have anything on DISHES but we have whole books on [fill in the blank].

Some lady told me that "none" of the Leap Pad stuff was labeled, and I went back there and told her the price by picking up the first one I saw and reading it to her from the tag that was clearly on the box. She said something about how it had a "different" tag, and then she told me the puzzle she had didn't have a price either. I took it from her, looked at the price sticker, and told her the price. She was all surprised both times that it actually was labeled, and said that none of the ones she looked at had prices. I counted the Leap Pad dolls that she was talking about. Out of sixteen, three of them were missing price stickers. Go fig. I labeled those so I don't have to hear this junk again.


12/21/03

Yes, more jerkitude! Woooo!

First off, I have a couple silly updates on my lovely elf getup. I was talking to my boss this morning about how people keep asking if my ears are real, and I told him that the next time someone asks me where I got them I was going to say I inherited them from my mother's side of the family. Hehe. Anyway, promptly into my first jaunt on the register a guy who looked to be late teens said, "Where'd you get your ears?" I said, "Oh, well I guess I got them from my mom," and he was like, "OH, so you're not sure where she got them? I role-play--I'd love to have a pair of elf ears to wear." Umm. Dammit, my joke got screwed up! Crap.

Later on some guy in the other cashier's line was leaning over to stare at me as I left my register to go do something, and I didn't hear him ask but I heard the other cashier tell him that actually my ears were real. Hehe. When I heard that I turned around and the guy said, "Those ears, I just want to give them a good rubbing!" Rubbing? You want to RUB my ears? I kind of went, "Ohh-kayyy," and then told him in that case he wasn't allowed to look at them anymore, and pulled my hat over them. He goes, "Hmph, what kind of elf are YOU?" Hahaha!

One lady gave me a disturbed look and said, "Your ears are very . . . INTERESTING." Thank you?

And lastly, some guy with his daughter pointed at me and said, "UH-OH, they didn't spray very well, they've got elves in the building!" BWAHAHA!

Now for more fun! My manager found a receipt and a twenty-dollar bill on the floor, and after he asked the man next to it if it was his and receiving a negative answer, he took it and put it in the register. Some man and woman who were checking out together saw that there was money there and started trying to see if it was theirs, trying to claim it. So my manager asked them a couple questions about the receipt to see if they could be the real owners of the money, and the woman got all offended at being asked for proof and said, "Well THAT'S pretty WISE-ASS, isn't it?" My manager replied, "Well, whatever, but if you can prove it's yours I can give it to you." The "proof" fell a bit flat when she said that the Publix receipt would have beer on it, and my manager said the receipt had nothing of the sort. (Actually it wasn't even a receipt. It was an ATM withdrawal slip from the Publix ATM.) They let it go at that point, reassured that it wasn't their money, and left.

In moments the woman was back again, and she came not to me (I'd rung her up) but to the other cashier, completely passing me by. "Excuse me, I have a problem, SHE didn't give me my discount even though I GAVE her my discount card," the woman barked, and thrust the receipt at the other cashier. I was with a customer at the moment, but I glanced over and grinned, and said under my breath, "Oho, well we shall see." (My customer heard me and laughed.)

Apparently the problem was that there was a 10% off discount sticker on the book, and the lady was under the impression that I had not given her that discount plus her discount card discount. When I got a moment I gave my coworker a tip to check the actual original price of the book the woman was claiming to have been ripped off for. Well, surprise . . . the book was originally $35, had rung up for like $31.50, and then with her discount card it was marked on her receipt as being ten percent less than that. The woman just assumed that because there was not a spelled-out discount from the original price that she was shorted. I personally can't imagine not even comparing the book's damn price tag with what I actually paid if I was going to go in and dispute something. Grr on that. I overheard the customer kind of apologizing to the other cashier for misunderstanding, though; she wasn't a jerk or anything, she just didn't think, and said she was used to receipts being a bit more self-explanatory. Hmm.

Jeez. Some woman came up to me with a book from The Secrets of Droon series and said, "Is this Harry Potter?" Okay, people! First off, most things that are Harry Potter or have ANYTHING TO DO with Harry Potter try to make that fact painfully obvious! So . . . somehow, you're asking me if this other book is Harry Potter when it doesn't say Harry Potter on it anywhere, says The Secrets of Droon on it, and doesn't mention anything to do with that universe anywhere on it? Ahh, but I see where the confusion lies! You see, a dark-haired, bespectacled child is pictured among some others on the cover. Any children's book featuring a boy with dark hair and four eyes must be somehow affiliated with Harry Potter, even if it doesn't say so anywhere on it. Yeah.

Some freakin' lady at the checkout was oblivous to the fact that there was a HUGE line behind her. I had had to open the fourth and final register just to deal with all the customers, and then the first woman I rang up just stood there after her transaction was over, admiring the bookmarks and commenting on them as if she thought now that HER transaction was over I now had all the time in the world. Hello! People like this piss me off.

I had one of those annoying customers who stands too close. She came up to me and got right in my face, and said, "I'm looking for those . . . those . . . you know, those little . . . those little. . . ." Yes, lady, a noun would be helpful at this juncture to add to your stack of adjectives, as would a show of respect for my personal space. I stepped backwards. "You know, like . . . some cards? Pokey-nom cards?" Okay. We don't have Pokémon cards anymore; Yu-Gi-Oh! pretty much drove them into oblivion. "You mean Pokémon? We don't have any," I told her, and she stepped close to me again despite my backing up. I backed up again and she followed, as if she wanted to whisper, but I think maybe she gets a commission every time she gets some sales associate to smell her breath. "But my grandson, he says he comes here to trade," she complained. I explained that it's probably Yu-Gi-Oh! she's talking about, and sent her to the register. At least the cashiers have a counter to use as a buffer.

Some lady was looking for a certain kind of special diet book and it seemed there wasn't much on the subject. I looked it up for her and told her I only saw two books in existence and I'd have to order either one. She asked for their titles and I wrote them down and whatnot for her, and then she just said, "So would you HAVE anything on the subject? Don't you have anything in the store?" Lady, your subject is super-specific and not exactly something everyone is dying to write about, you're lucky there are whole books on it at all instead of just chapters in broader diet books. I just freaking told you I only found two books in the whole system, and after going over that with you you still expect that I'll have something in the store that I was just holding out on telling you about? Please, as if I actually want our store to make money!

A lady who wanted help finding a certain science fiction author said she'd BEEN back there and "those books aren't in any order, are they?" I told her that they were in alphabetical order by the authors, or at least they should be. She made sort of a miffed "yeah right" sound and I looked up her author on the 'puter. There were two books listed by him, so I took her back there. Her husband was back there already looking for the author, standing about two feet away from the bit of the D's that he needed to be looking under, and I walked right to it and showed her where they were. I honestly cannot figure out what is so difficult about our twenty-six-letter alphabet that people cannot sing the ABCs to themselves and figure out how a shelf is arranged, not to even MENTION that for some people it is apparently so complex a task that they can come to me and insist the shelf is organized in a gobbledygook fashion. MOST PEOPLE HAVE LEARNED THE ALPHABET BEFORE THEY SET FOOT IN KINDERGARTEN. Why is applying it so difficult?


12/20/03

Someone called and asked if we had "pre-recorded cassettes." I said, "Well, what do you want them 'pre-recorded' with?" The guy kind of laughed confusedly and said, "Well, music." I told him the only music we had was some promotional Christmas CDs and usually we don't carry any music, and then he's like, "So do you know where they might sell pre-recorded cassettes?" At that I had to admit to him that I had never heard the term "pre-recorded cassettes" before and I wanted to know if that was some special kind I wasn't aware of. "Well, as opposed to blank cassettes," he explained. Okay, well I would have thought you'd specify if you want BLANK, and anything ELSE would automatically have something on it, you know? Anyway, I referred him to places that specialize in music, and got off the phone. Then I asked a couple of my coworkers if that term was as weird as I thought--I mean, pre-recorded as opposed to what, post-recorded? What the hell? A coworker who's my age thought it was just as ridiculous, but then I asked an older co-worker and she said, "Ahh, you're just not old enough," and explained to me that they used to use the term "pre-recorded cassettes" to separate them from the kind you take home and record your own music on. I still don't see what the hell the point is, but if they used to use that term widely at one point, I certainly can't fault the guy. Still I don't quite get the point of specifying that they should have music on them when I think specifying should only be required if you want to buy cassettes with nothing on them.


12/17/03

Ahh, now today's more like it! I had more Assholes than I knew what to do with. I KNEW the Christmas spirit would get around to affecting more jerks sooner or later!

A lady came up to me as I was stocking and just aimlessly said, "So, workin' hard, huh?" or something like that. I proceeded to have a harmless, meaningless conversation with her about how work never lets up, and I said something like, "Ahh, well, it never stops, but then again, we'd be concerned if it did." She said, comfortingly, "Well at least you'll be closed on Christmas." I agreed that we would be, but informed her that that was the only day of the whole YEAR we were closed. She replied, "Oh, well, but you're not open Sundays." A little weirded out by the sureness of her tone, I informed her that we in fact WERE open Sundays (and I myself have worked every Sunday in the recent past except for my vacation). I said again that we're open EVERY day except Christmas. She replied, "But not on EASTER," and I had to reiterate that NO, we WERE open Easter, and New Year's Day and Christmas Eve and Thanksgiving and Labor Day and whatever other day you can think of, YES, we are OPEN if it is NOT Christmas. Disturbed at this concept, she went away. I think I screwed up the world in her head.

I had a lady come up to the desk as if to ask for help while I was on the phone, so since I just had the person on hold I asked if she needed help looking for a book. She said she did and I told her I was with another customer on the phone, and she said that was fine, she would wait. But when I finished with my phone customer she had wandered off into the Audio section, so I just hung around waiting for her to come back since I figured it wouldn't be long. Well, my manager came up and started talking on the phone to someone, and the lady came back and went over to stand in front of HER, and didn't look at me at all and just stood there acting impatient, while I was just looking at her waiting for her to ask me something. I wondered if she just didn't realize I was free. So finally she looked in my direction and I asked her if she was ready to ask me a question now. She took a book that she'd been holding and SLAMMED it on my counter, looking at me, and said, "Are you here to help me?" Um, what's that about, temper-tantrum tot? Didn't I just ask you if you wanted to ask me a question? So I said, "Yeeeessss. . . ." and so she replied, "Well, GOOD," and proceeded to be relatively normal from there. Weirdo.

An older couple came up to me in the Kids' section while I was stocking and asked me, in unison, for "The Orthanax." I repeated it back to them and they agreed that they were looking for "The Orthanax" . . . "or something like that." Apparently it is a popular children's book. But . . . when they revealed that it was a Dr. Seuss book, I suggested tentatively, "Do you mean 'The Lorax'?" This lit up both their faces, and the woman said, "Oh, yes, THAT'S it!" Uh-huh. So I got her a copy of The Lorax and they praised me highly, saying they had already been to THREE other bookstores and none of THEM had it. (They said it in that sort of snotty tone like, oh, I can't believe no one HAD this book, how incompetent of them.) Well! I can't say I'm surprised at all that you can't find what you're looking for if you're going around telling people you want "The Orthanax!" Good lord!

A lady was digging through the super-marked-down xylophone books on the sale table, and flagged me down to ask if any of them came with a stick. We used to carry these xylophone books full price and more often than not the little stick, mallet, whatever you want to call it, got separated from the book and got bent or broken or stolen or, whatever, gummed on and put in some kid's diaper, who knows--they disappeared and I don't think I want to know some of the vile places they ended up. Anyway, I guess the company figured they might still be able to sell them with no mallet because, hey, a kid can bang on it with anything and it'll work; it's still a perfectly good xylophone with a perfectly good simple music book attached. But when I explained this to the lady, she replied, "So NONE of them have sticks???" I told her that was why they were MARKED DOWN. She gave me like the filthiest look, THREW the xylophone book she was holding down onto the table, and spun around to walk off in a huff. Um . . . Merry Christmas to you too, lady. You'd think I'd told her I personally stole all the sticks to use as buttplugs.

A lady called me and told me she had the ISBN for a book. That's awesome. Usually people who call with ISBNs know what they're talking about, too. So I typed it up but my computer hit nothing, which means it totally doesn't recognize the book as existing. I told the girl this, and she replied, "So, do you think you could GET it, or does that mean you just don't have it?" Um. Did I mention that this computer has NO information on that book, it doesn't even recognize it as existing? Oh wait, yes, I DID mention that actually. So how the hell am I supposed to know? Urgh. Some people don't get it even when I'm not talking in jargon and I'm trying to be extremely explicit.

Ahh, here's some fun for ya. My manager came up to me early in the morning and vaguely asked me if I had any other pop-up books besides the one she'd already found. I said I had a list of them--we don't have a pop-up book "section," so once upon a time I took it upon myself to list every single pop-up book in my Kids' section so that I could answer this question less painfully every time it is asked. See, I'm an awesome Kids' person! Anyway, I told her I had a list, and she said some guy was looking for pop-up books and went away with the Robert Sabuda Alice in Wonderland book. Dandy.

So just a little while later, I vaguely heard my manager pointing me out to a customer--that happens all the time, people forward customers to me because I know everything about Kids'. So the guy, he just walked up, stopped, and LOOKED at me. So I looked at him, and I said, "Hi!" and he just stood there looking at me some more. (I know I'm cute, especially with the way I look like an elf these days, but really, that amount of staring is not needed.) He looked really . . . um, expectant I guess is the word, and so I said, "Um, did you have a question for me?" "Well that lady over there said you were the one to ask," he replied, looking sort of annoyed, and I asked again what his QUESTION was. "Oh, well she said you would know about the pop-up books!" Yes, that is the case, dude. But it'd probably be good if you . . . ASKED. As if without any contact with me at all I just happen to know that YOU are the one looking for pop-up books. It's not like anyone informed me of the situation or like he had any reason to think I should know what he wanted. But everything was smooth from there because I helped him find a satisfactory book.


12/16/03

I've been dressing like an elf at work--I'm wearing a jingle bell and an elfish hat and usually red or green clothes, completing the picture by tucking the rim of the hat behind my cute pointy ears. It's been spurring some odd comments. But this one amused me a lot. Some woman interrupted me with, "Do you work here?" and I said I did. She said, "Ahh, I should have known, I figured no one else would be wearing an elf hat." Let's think about this for a minute. Around the holidays lots of people go around wearing things like reindeer horns and Santa hats and goofy light-up pins. I for one am wearing an "elf hat." But you would think that what would give it away that I work there would be, oh . . . THE APRON. Yeah, the thing I'm wearing with the STORE'S NAME ON IT. Jeez, people!

Incidentally, today someone made a face at me and said, "What happened to your ears?" Thanks, guy. What do you mean what HAPPENED? What kind of question is that? Some other guy informed me, "You have funny-looking ears." Oh really. I can't help but think about the main character of my books at this point. Am I justified in feeling slightly indignant on Ivy's behalf? Maybe I'm being weird. Heh. (In any case this is VERY interesting "research," but I am not going to tell you about it here in the Work Log, because some people who read this thing have no idea who the fictional Ivy is.)

Grr, we had another jackass person who says "arthur" instead of "author." I hate those people.


12/15/03

Okay, confirmed weirdo. This lady wanted help picking out books to send to a couple acquaintances, and I helped her find some. First she wanted an easy law book and I helped her settle on one, but after she decided on the one she liked, she put it back on the shelf while saying, "Okay, I'll take THAT one," and then in a frazzled manner asked me the next question on her list. I figured that since she put it back, it was just a sign that she was not interested in buying them right now; she was probably just trying to get her options in her head, so I left it alone. We went to the Self Help section for the girl on her list, and similarly, she chose a book and then put it BACK. She then revealed that she wanted us to mail them to these people, so she wanted to know all the details of how we do that, and so I printed her out the form to fill out and she began doing that. I told her that the next step was taking the books up to the register and paying for them and their shipping, and she was like, "Okay, so . . . do you have them?" "Have what?" I asked, and she said, "The books!"

I paused reflectively for a moment and said, "You mean the books that you just picked out and put back on the shelf?" She looked frazzled again and said, "Oh yeah, I did didn't I? What were they again?" Ohhhkay! If you were planning on getting them now why did you put them BACK? TWICE??? Luckily I remembered what she'd wanted and we got everything taken care of, and then up at the register she was batty too. But I think she is just burned out from this weird Christmas-ness. Still . . . I haven't lost my mind yet. I don't think. And I have the added annoyance of having to put up with people like her for ten more days.

Here's another serious freak of the day. A guy called me and I just couldn't quite pinpoint . . . what the hell he WANTED. He kept blathering about shot dosages and sounded kind of drunk, and finally he said something I sort of understood: "So can you tell me the amount of the 8-1?" I was kind of flabbergasted and said, "I'm not sure what you're asking for--is that a book title?" He replied that he didn't know any book title but he wanted to know about the 8-1. I determined through some careful questioning that he was for some reason unable to get the information about what dosage he should put in a particular shot to give to some animal in his veterinary practice; he was apparently some kind of assistant and did not currently have access to the real vet or the reference book they use (because it was locked somewhere he didn't have the key to). I finally figured out that he wanted me to LOOK UP what dosage he should give to some animal based on only the information that it was "the 8-1 shot." Uh-huh. I told him I didn't know anything about what I could tell him to help, but if he had a BOOK title maybe I could put one aside for him and let him come and look for whatever info he needed. He said, "Well no, I don't know what BOOK it's in." So! I'm supposed to go dig through random medical books and try to find weird information about shot dosages for him! Yeah right. I told him unless he had a book I could look for for him, I couldn't help him. Dude, it's called the internet.

A girl walked up and asked me for a piece of paper. I asked her if she needed a whole sheet or if a little scratch piece of paper was all she needed. She replied, "Well, you know . . . a piece of paper!" And she looked all frustrated. So I repeated my question, and finally she figured out that "a piece of paper" was not enough information. I try to avoid giving away my pristine computer paper for free, so if someone just wants to jot down a book title a piece of scratch paper is usually just fine. Hence my apparently very complex question. Sheesh.


12/14/03

Again, only one Asshole!! A guy came to Customer Service and asked me for the newest book by an author, so I found out which one it was and he confirmed that that was it. "I'm sorry, we'd have to order that, we don't carry it," I told him, and he made a confused face, which quickly slipped into a sort of condescending expression. "Well it just came out, honey," he said, "how can you not have it?" Apparently some people are under the impression that any bookstore will automatically carry . . . EVERY BOOK THAT COMES OUT. It's weird, I've encountered this before: "Well it's new, so why wouldn't you have it? But it just came out!" News, people: Every book is not necessarily picked up by bookstores. One of my favorite authors has a book that I've ordered three different times for different people and I have never seen it in my store and didn't expect to.

Now for something cheerful. We have this regular customer who comes in and buys coffee and talks about Harry Potter (I call her "the Harry Potter lady"), and I guess because she's gotten to know many of the employees so well, one of our cashiers came up with the idea to get her a really nice present. I didn't know about it so I didn't contribute (not that I could have anyway; I'm broke dammit!) but at least I signed the card when I found out. Someone else had gotten her another gift too, so when she came in she had presents, and it totally surprised her. (Her daughter was with her too, and it surprised me to find out I've known her daughter for years; we used to go to Poetry Jams together.) One of our managers had insisted that we take pictures since she couldn't be there, so as a result you get to see the happiness too. :)

[lots of hugging] [christmas elf]

Oh yeah, and by the way, today's the day I started dressing like an elf at work. Don't I look cute?


12/13/03

Man, only one Asshole today . . . this is turning out to be a much better Christmas, Assholes-wise, than any other I've had. Anyway, this lady was looking for Peanuts stuff as gifts for someone who is a collector, and asked if those few books in my section were all I had. I told her that was the case but that maybe I'd have stickers or something. She said she'd be interested, so I gave my sticker rack a quick glance-over, but saw nothing. Then as she was going away, I happened to spot some Snoopy snickers, and alerted her. "No, that's okay," she said, "he just wants Peanuts." But . . . Snoopy is a Peanuts character! It even said Peanuts on the side of the sticker paper! But of course, guess that doesn't matter. Snoopy isn't what he wants, it's Peanuts.


12/10/03

I felt a little like I shouldn't write this down because we're dealing with a kid here, but her mom was in on it too so I'll just mention it and say cut the kid a little slack. A girl, maybe ten years old, came up and asked me for the book The Secret of NIMH. (She pronounced it "nymph," but I knew what she meant.) I looked it up real quick and told her it wasn't available, but then I remembered that OH yeah, that's the title of the MOVIE, the book it was based on is actually Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIMH. I found her and told her about that, and gave her a copy; she replied that it wasn't right because it wasn't the right title and she needed it to be The Secret of "Nymph." Mom got involved at this point and spelled it for me, "'N-I-M-H,' nymph," she said, so I see where the mispronunciation comes in, and informed me, "It's a POPULAR book!" Uh-huh. That's why when I type it in I only get unavailable to us old VHS VIDEOS. The girl wrote down the title of the book I did have, wanting to check out the case, and then they got out of my hair. I wonder if I'll hear about this one later?

I had to do a return and the woman had charged her purchase to a credit card. "Okay, well if you have the card with you I'll just charge it right back to the card you paid with," I told her. "Which one is that?" she asked, and after checking the receipt real quick I told her it was an American Express. Her reply was, "No, it wouldn't have been that one." Double take. You just asked me to tell you what card, and I told you based on what was on the receipt, and you out and out tell me, nope, you're wrong. I told her that it WAS and that wasn't exactly something that I could be mistaken about, and I gave her the last four numbers of the AMEX card, and finally after telling me that the only AMEX card she had wasn't even activated, she postulated that maybe her husband bought it even though she was sure she had been the one to do so. The mystery was cleared up when the husband brought the card over and the last four digits on my receipt matched the last four on his AMEX card. Yay.


12/9/03

While I was helping someone in some section in the store, it became necessary to run to the computer and get another piece of information for her. When I got up there, a woman was waiting for assistance. I saw her and said, "Hi, I'll be with you in just a second, I'm helping someone else at the moment." She didn't say a word, just looked me in the eye, turned around, and walked away. I was like, uh, okay . . . guess she couldn't handle the idea of other people not being dropped like hot rocks when it's HER turn. I watched her walk across the store, find one of my coworkers, and grab her to help. What an ass.

Some guy at the desk was making whistling noises, and I was thinking, Oh no, that's not an acceptable way to get service, stand there WHISTLING. Then he began tapping on the desk in a rhythmic fashion, ya know, so he could pretend he was just passing the time but really he was making a sign to the employees that he needed service. So I decided, crap, he's going to keep doing that until someone helps him, so I'd better go see what he wants. I went up there and when I reached the desk I started tapping too, in the same rhythm as him. He stopped, and I asked him what I could help him with.

I helped him with his question, though unfortunately he was one of those people who doesn't realize when we've passed the point after which I can't help him. That didn't really bother me; he went off on his own to shop. But then he came BACK, and asked another question.

"Do you have a how-to section?"

I told him we didn't. He replied, "Why?"

"Because any 'how-to' book is in the section it applies to. 'How to' braid your hair is in the hair section, 'how to' cook a pie is in the baking section." "Well don't you have like a section for all those Idiot's Guide To books or something?" I told him that the same thing applied to Idiot's Guides, and informed him that the Idiot's Guide for parenting is in the parenting section, et cetera. I asked him to tell me what he wanted to learn "how to" do. Finally we started making progress, though he seemed determined to complain that the store shouldn't be organized that way. People don't seem to realize that if we had a "how to" section, it would probably be so big it would take up most of the store. A huge percentage of nonfiction is to tell you how to do something.

A lady walked by and asked me, "Do you work here?" Considering I was holding an armload of books, obviously rearranging a shelf, and wearing an apron with a very colorful name tag on it and the store's name emblazoned on my chest, I thought it was kind of obvious. So I kind of hesitated for a moment, letting her LOOK at me, and then I told her I worked there. She replied, "No?" What? I SAID "YES." That doesn't sound anything LIKE "no," and plus as mentioned I AM STANDING THERE WITH BOOKS WEARING A STORE APRON. What is wrong with these people?


12/8/03

Some lady wanted me to find her a book of poetry by a classic author. Problem is, that author has written so many books, and quite a few of them are "school reading" type books so of course sixty billion versions of each have been published. So it was tough to go through a listing of all his titles; there were over a thousand listed, and I told her unless she had a title it might be tough to tell if it was poetry. She'd already told me that she'd been to the Poetry section and found nothing by him, and I told her that very section is where we would put it if we HAD anything, and even though she insisted that she was NOT interested in anything but what was physically in the store, she wanted me to keep looking in the computer. I told her (after some searching) that the only one I was finding was a children's collection that the author helped edit; I wasn't even looking at the books we had to order because she indicated that she didn't WANT to order. So then she started being patronizing about trying to find a book! "Well you can't just key it in?" she asked, and what the fuck is that supposed to mean? If I could "key it in" don't you think I would have done something? "Oh . . . boy I'm glad you said to 'key it in,' because I wouldn't have thought of that even though I've been standing in front of this computer for three minutes arguing with you and trying to find things in the database. Crap, I forgot I could just 'key it in.'" "Try anything that says 'Anthology,' like an anthology of his poetry. Look under 'A,'" she instructed. Yeah, I'm gonna look under "F" for Anthology because I don't know the alphabet, and as if telling me to look for an anthology helps there be one in my computer. Finally I told her that there didn't seem to be anything in the store, that anything I *would* have would have been in that Poetry section, and that if she wanted me to find the availability of a book with regards to ordering options I would probably need a little more information, like a title. She responded by just turning around and walking away. Why are people like this? You're welcome, ma'am.

I had a woman on the phone who decided to give me her life story on why she wanted a book. She had given me the title and author and I was in the process of looking it up (updating her, as I do, on every step of the way of what I was doing to help). She started blathering about the book and she wants it for her son and blah, and then suddenly she stopped talking and said, "Hello??" Um, was I supposed to be interrupting you? Anyway, I assured her that I was still here, and told her that the computer indicated that we carried it. I asked if she wanted me to run over and check if it was on the shelf, and she replied, "Well, I also need to know the price," and I told her what the price was on the screen, and she asked if it was on sale and I said it didn't seem to be, but I could check the book itself and see if there happened to be a sticker or anything. "Will that help you?" I asked, and she replied, "Well, it would also help me if you'd go check and see if you have any," in this reproachful tone like, didn't I already TELL you what to do? Why didn't you do it? Well, because you started asking questions that I needed the computer for, dingus. Anyway, long story short, I checked the book on the shelf, and it didn't have a discount, and she told me it was simply too expensive and hung up.

Crap. This one's kinda hard to explain. Some lady was being rude to our cashier. I got called to the register to void a transaction, because when she got to the end she realized only four items were in the register and there were five in the woman's purchase, and it had been a very messy transaction because of course everything the woman had picked out had a special discount on it. Anyway, she couldn't tell by the information on the screen which thing was missing, and so I helped out, but then she had to start from scratch ringing it up again, and the customer said, "You know, maybe you can HELP her, because I think this is just too much for her," or something like that, insinuating that she didn't know how to do the job and that she was going to try to screw her over. She started making all these comments about how the other store had this and that and we didn't have it and why isn't this on sale and isn't this on sale since this is, and I gave her discounts that I perceived but I told her that she couldn't have discounts on everything on that table like she wanted. She was also one of those obnoxious types who keeps talking and whining after the transaction is over with. Finally she looked at my cashier (who was kind of being silent and in all honesty probably wrestling between crying and punching the woman), and she said, "YOU just want me to LEAVE, don't you." My cashier didn't comment, but the customer gathered her stuff and left. I found out later from the cashier that the woman had been trying to tell her how to do her job all along; see, when something has a sticker on it for a discount, we ring it up and then discount it, and she was squawking about how the full price was coming up (of COURSE it does, BEFORE we key the discount in, and since she doesn't know how it works she shouldn't criticize), and then when she had two of the same item and the cashier went to do the same process again, she barked, "I KNOW that has to have a repeat on there somewhere." Well what if "repeat" doesn't repeat the discount, lady? You don't know how our register works, so butt out! One of the items was one of those horrible things that isn't in the inventory so the barcode screwed the computer all up, and the lady was like, "So what's the problem?" News, lady, that stuff's on discount and clearance because it's been out of our store inventory orders for so long the damn computer doesn't recognize it. We have to do special electronic register gymnastics to get it to charge you for it at all. Get over it.

I rang someone up at the register and I asked to see her ID because her credit card was unsigned. (It didn't even look rubbed off.) She replied, "Well, let me just sign it." I told her she could do that but I still needed to see her ID. (How much sense would that make, if I just let her sign it and then compared the signature? HELLO! What is a security measure FOR if not for . . . security???) She seemed to get really OFFENDED at that and began roughly slamming things down out of her purse and jerked her wallet open and thrust it at me in this really rude way. I confirmed that she was really her, unruffled by her behavior as usual, and she started muttering about how it just rubbed off and it's always doing that and boy am I being a pain in the ass. (No, she didn't say that, but it was definitely insinuated that she didn't appreciate me asking for her ID.) Hi. It's the law. Thing says "not valid if unsigned" or whatever, so that's what it IS. You're going to bark at me for trying to protect you? Not to mention that it didn't look like it had ever been signed and I've seen plenty of cards that HAVE, and usually there is some flakiness on the signing field as well as some wear and tear on the card; this was just blank and mostly unused-looking. Sure, just make it my fault though. I can't believe what some people will do to try to make issues.


12/7/03

Hmm, seems like most of my Assholes today were handed to me by my coworkers. I have five entries, but only one of them is mine! Let's do that one first.

A lady wanted to reserve a couple books at Customer Service so I told her to give me her name and I'd put them there. Everything was fine until she asked me what time we were open until. Well, actually it turns out there was a mix-up; we were being told we were open until 11 today even though it's Sunday (usually we close at 9), but we hadn't been told yet that it was a mistake, so I told this lady, "We close at 11." She replied, "Oh, and that's . . . that's eleven at . . . at noon?" Okay. First off, eleven o'clock isn't noon. Secondly, she was calling me at 12:35 PM. Thirdly, who the fuck closes at eleven in the morning? I've gone through this before, but when people reply, "Eleven at NIGHT?" when I tell them our closing time, I seriously don't know what to say and am considering hitting them. Yes, we close at eleven in the morning, and then we open again sometime in the evening and stay open all night. What are they thinking??

Okay. On to other people's Assholes. My coworker had this very typical thing happen to him, but it is noteworthy. The lady asked for help finding the author of a book, and after he told her who wrote the book he figured she must be pretty smart--a good customer--because she told him that now she had enough info to find the book on her own and would be fine with doing so. Yay, customer who doesn't need to be babied, right? Wrong. He found her standing confusedly in front of the G shelf with her finger extended like she was poring over each book, looking for an author whose name started with E. How she was looking that carefully at each book and not noticing that the authors all started with G is beyond either of us.

And then he went up to the register and some ass came up and said, "Yeah, I need Cliff Notes for . . . Hamill? Hamil . . . ton? Hamill?" Horrified by the chunks of obliviousness falling onto the counter, my coworker replied, "Hamlet?" Oh my fucking God.

Some woman spilled chai tea all over our carpet and some books today. She was apologetic and tried to help clean up, but mostly she was just getting in the way, so another one of my coworkers basically told her to get the fuck out of his way NICELY: "It's okay, I've got it." She then stepped to the side, held out a book to him, and said, "By the way, do you know anything about this book?" Graceful, lady. Ask him for retail help when he's busy cleaning up the mess you made. Fantastic.

Last one is just some dork who asked for help at the wrong place (the register) and forlornly hung around the register area "waiting" after being told that someone would be called to help at Customer Service. We postulated that the customer thought the help was going to come HERE. Like, we sent you over THERE because they have a capable computer over THERE. Hi.

I do kinda have ONE more of my own, but it didn't result in anything crappy and was kinda legit, so I don't really count it as a jerk. A semi-jerk? Anyway, I'll mention it: It's just because it includes a pet peeve that I mind it at all. Some woman in Kids' stopped me and said, "Are these books in ANY order at ALL?" With my hands on my hips, I said, "Yes, they're in exact alphabetical order by the authors' last names." But then it turned out she was looking for Dr. Seuss books, which I have in a separate section called "Favorite Characters." She had no way of knowing how our store decides to shelve specialty items like that, so I didn't blame her for not knowing how to find Dr. Seuss. (Although I've noticed that at MOST bookstores Dr. Seuss and other things like that do have their own separate sections, not grouped with individual stories and storybooks and whatnot.) It was just this whole bewildered "HOW could these POSSIBLY be arranged??" look on that lady's face that I'm responding to.


12/6/03

I only had one file worthy of note today, despite its being Saturday, very busy, and spent mostly on the register (which usually yields Assholes aplenty). It was just this one girl who came up to the checkout ready to buy her stuff, but stopped about seven feet away from the counter in front of me. I finished with my customer and she just stood there. So I figured, what, is she waiting for an invitation? I'm rude, so damned if I'm gonna give her one. Gimme a frickin' break! So she just stood there. And stood there. And I kept thinking it was more and more funny; the other cashier had a couple customers and finally when she was on her last one she leaned over and said to that lady, "Are you waiting to check out?" The lady indicated that she was and the other cashier pointed at me (RIGHT NEXT to her) and said, "Well, this one's open too," and so she came up and put her stuff down at my counter. I said, "Ahh, you were just waiting to CHECK OUT all that time?" She said she was, and I said, "From all the way back there?" She didn't reply, and I just lied saying I figured since she didn't COME to the register she just must not be ready yet. Honestly folks . . . if you're ready to check out at the grocery store, usually you go load your groceries up; you don't just stand there out of the aisle with your basket and look at the checkout girl waiting for her to invite you to put your purchases on the belt, do you?


12/2/03

Surprisingly enough, I actually got someone today who was rude enough to make my 10 Worst Customers EVER list . . . and not just on the bottom, either; I'm putting him at number two. I'm tempted to put him as number one because the guy I HAVE as number one didn't happen to me, but I still think that guy was ruder. Anyway, here's how it happened. Remember, 'tis the season!

I was helping out at the register and this guy came up and put down his stuff to ring up. He opened up asking me to tell him the release date on an upcoming book. I told him I didn't happen to know that information (you ask that stuff at Customer Service, of course), and he replied, "Well that's okay, I'll just call your CORPORATE OFFICE then." I didn't know what the corporate office had to do with anything, but he wasn't really saying it like he was threatening me, so I thought maybe he thought "corporate office" is where you call to find out things like release dates. So I told him, "Okay, or you can always just call our customer service line," I gave him the number, "and they can help you with any question you have." He responded, "No, I'm going to call your corporate office. And I'll tell them that you guys DIDN'T KNOW." Ahh, so it WAS a threat and an attempt to shame me. But yes, it gets worse.

I just shrugged that off and asked him if he had a discount card. He did: One of our "gold" ones, which means he's a pretty frequent shopper. I mean, I see those maybe once in a month if that. Anyway, he kinda threw it down at me and I scanned it, undaunted, and began ringing up his stuff. He asked me what day it was and said, "Is it the fourth?" I told him it was the second, and wondered why he didn't just look at his newspaper, but whatever. Then he began to say something about how he doesn't like the attitude around this place, and everyone's just gotten SO rude. One of my coworkers was standing at the next register and he heard the guy talking about how we just don't know what we're doing here, and he stepped over and said, "Was there something you needed us to help you find?" "NO," the guy snapped back, and then continued to talk about how he used to work retail and this place has such an ATTITUDE and the girl in the café just kind of handed him his stuff and said "here," and he just doesn't know what the world's coming to. I replied, "Well, I do apologize for that, sir." But I'm sure he could tell I didn't really mean that, because at this point I just wanted him to shut up; he was out of line and he'd insulted me already so I didn't particularly think he deserved my best behavior, especially since it's not like I'm the one he's talking about. Or so I thought!

He just looked at me and said, "YOU don't even CARE, do you." I looked back at him and said, "You know, I'm just not even sure what you're referring to." (My coworker was still standing there overhearing this.) He replied, "You SEE, that's exactly the kind of attitude I'm talking about! You know, I think I WILL just go to the other store," and he stepped back from the bagged purchases I'd put on the counter. "Okay, you're packing up then?" I said, to confirm, and he said, "YES, I am PACKING UP, WHAT is your manager's name?" I told him my manager's name (in a tone of voice that absolutely had no air of repentance to it), and I think he wrote it down, and then he left.

Afterwards my coworker was like, "MAN, that customer was so UGLY to you, I haven't seen someone get that ugly in a long time," and asked me some questions about what was provoking him. We had a good laugh about how that guy might call my manager to talk about how rude I am, and how we're sure he'll believe THAT, since I'm so RUDE normally (plus I have a coworker's eyewitness account that I behaved in an exemplary fashion).

I think mostly the whole thing started because he had this ridiculous belief that we should just happen to know release dates, and thinks we're incompetent if we don't know, oh, EVERY BOOK THAT COMES OUT, and then he's dealing with some flippant little cashier who refuses to freak out at his dissatisfaction. I think when he mentioned my corporate office I was supposed to quake in fear and then latch my lips onto his buns, and I absolutely didn't do that. (I don't stand for customer rudeness. I'm not paid enough for the customer to always be right, dammit!) The story got around the store and all my coworkers kept coming up to me and telling me how I'm soooo rude. I leaned on one of my coworkers' shoulders and she goes, "Oh, RUDE people aren't allowed to lean on me." Heh.

Okay. This lady called on the phone, and said she's looking for a series of kids' books for her granddaughter--books that were classics when she was a kid. (That tells you something right there: If it was a "classic" when SHE was a child, these books may be rather old, if she wants to get them for a granddaughter.) She told me a title of one of them that she THOUGHT was right, but I found nothing in the computer under that except some medical book that obviously wasn't it. She then began to describe the books.

"They're little thin kids' books," she said. "A series of them. They're pretty small, for very young children. Little thin kids' books." I told her that what I need in order to find it would be a title or author; telling me "little thin kids' books" could be anything. She repeated to me that she DID know a title, but I told her I was getting nothing but the medical book that obviously wasn't it, and that without any more information I just couldn't find it in my computer. "Well," she replied, "I was just wondering if maybe you carried them." I told her that was fine and dandy, no harm in asking of course, but then it became apparent that . . . she was STILL ASKING. She clarified a moment later: "But do you think you might have them in stock?" Okay. I've already established with her that I can't find them in the computer, so I told her that I'd been trying to nail down what books these were with her for the last five minutes and there's nothing on the computer indicating that they even exist. "I know, but I just wanted to know if you HAD them," she repeated, and I figure that maybe she thinks looking something up the computer doesn't have anything to do with whether I can find something in the store. I'm sorry, ma'am, nothing in my computer about your books being in existence on this planet, but surely after going through this with you several times of course we HAVE some, right here on the shelf. Why didn't you just ask? Urgh. Finally I told her that without being able to find any record of it in my computer, there was no way to determine if we HAVE or CAN GET the books. She let me go then. Hurrah!

Got a guy at the register who forgot his discount card. I asked him if he bought it at this store; I can search the remote database for other stores' cards, but if it's in MY store it's a quicker and more specific search, so I always try to use the in-store search if I can help it. He said it was this store and "this is the only place I shop," and so I looked him up and found nothing.

His solution to this was to spell his name for me several more times in an increasingly loud voice. It was an unusual name, but I am an unusually adept-with-words person, and it hadn't been a spelling mistake on my part that made the computer program fail to cough up his record. So I told him either it's expired or at another store, and proceeded to put in the request on the remote database. As I'm doing this he's demanding in a loud voice that "this is the only place I shop," and spelling his name again. Finally a record popped up in the computer, showing clearly that he bought the card at the other location. I told him this was the case, but he didn't understand me and thought I was telling him again that I couldn't find it and that I couldn't give him a discount, because he started gruffly saying, "Well, as soon as I get back to the house I'm putting that card in my wallet and not taking it out again!" I said that was fine (unaware at this point that he had misunderstood me), and told him if he couldn't find the card or didn't have it with him next time, we have him in the computer. "OH, so you DID find it?" he asked in surprise, and I informed him that I had just said I found him at the OTHER STORE. He looked mystified, then said, "You know, come to think of it, I seem to remember that I WAS at the other store when I got it!" Ho ho ho. Somehow this memory was not in his head at all when it actually would have been useful. Feh.


12/1/03

Today wasn't bad, I just had mostly run-of-the-mill Assholes. One guy kinda freaked me out a little, though. He interrupted me from what I was working on and asked me if I could help him find a book, so I stopped what I was doing, gave him my full attention (complete with eye contact, folks!), and replied, "Sure." He then gave me a glassy-eyed stare, and then I kid you not, he said, hesitatingly, "Hello?" The "hello" was exactly the type you might utter if you were talking to someone on the phone and suddenly you heard a click and their voice stopped, like you were checking to see if they were there but strongly suspected that they were not. But . . . we were in person. Why would he "hello?" me and what did I do to make him think he needed to prompt me with a "hello" of some kind? I did not understand it AT ALL. So, I replied, "Hi?" He then repeated that he wanted to ask about a book, and I said I knew that--he'd already said so--and asked him what book it was. After that he behaved like a normal customer, so I don't know what the deal was.

My only other notable Asshole was the usual woman-who-refuses-to-read-signs. I was ringing her up, she insisted that a book should have been 30% off "because the sign said so," and finally it turned out that the sign said "30% off top ten bestsellers" and this was like number 21. I think people get confused because the sign is indeed above books that it doesn't apply to, and our bestseller top 10 is featured right by the front door (they have their own signs) and then the continuing top 11 through 30 are just across the aisle. But it shouldn't be at all confusing if you, ya know, READ THE SIGNS. Anything that's 30% off has a STICKER on it that says so, to boot. So, I'm just readying myself for the beginning of a month of this shit. ::sigh:: Such is life during my fourth Retail Christmas. Hurrah!


On to 2004!


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