My Record of Work: The Annoying, the Interesting, and the Just Plain Weird--The Year 2002.

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OCTOBER!


10/28/02

I got yelled at by the UPS guy today.

He is a generally very impatient man who has previously done ridiculous things, like making this quote: "You all know I make a delivery between ten and noon every day. Someone should be standing there waiting to open the door for me." Anyway, so he buzzed the back room door indicating he wanted to make a delivery, and so as soon as I heard it, I started walking out to the floor to get the manager, who had the key. But before I could even walk all the way from the back room to the floor, the phone started ringing. Since I couldn't make a page to summon the manager to the back room without using that phone, I had to answer it first . . . and it was the UPS guy! He was calling us after waiting less than a minute, demanding that someone come and open the door immediately. I told him that as soon as he rang I was getting someone on it, and he made a little comment about how someone "better be" coming, and hung up. So, I paged the manager, but apparently he didn't come fast enough because soon enough Mr. UPS was IN the store, and as he passed me he shouted, "How much time do you think I have??" Our manager got kinda pissed about the really ridiculous way he was acting, as if our store revolves around him making deliveries. Apparently he's cursed at store employees before, and he's definitely harassed me. What a jerk.

It's days like today that I feel sorry for management. A busload of children came into the store today on some unannounced field trip. I was able to keep the Kids' section from exploding during their visit, but most of the kids were buying at least one item and the cash register was backed up, way up. Problem was, we couldn't open the other one because one of the teachers was hogging it with a purchase order. Those take a while to do and involve getting a special form and receipt from the back room. The annoying teacher lady began to heap my manager's arms with her merchandise, "I'd like this, and this and this and this. . . ." And then she finished loading him up and added, "And could you please hurry up?"

So. He told her that he'd do all the steps he had to do and try and make it take as little time as possible (as if he'd do it slower if she hadn't said hurry up!). He took her shit to the back room and when he'd gotten the form nearly finished, another manager came back and asked if he was finished yet, because she wanted to add something to it. Well, shit, he hurried up TOO much. Her addition caused him to have to start over, and then she got antsy out front that it was taking so long, so the newspaper guy took it upon himself to come back and remind the first manager that he really needed to hurry it up. My usually low-key manager ended up giving him a lecture for that one, which was quite humbling, so I hear.

And here's an interesting bit of synchronicity: This lady came up wanting a book on caning (something to do with chairs) and we weren't sure what the spelling of the word was, but we figured it out. Then the next guy in line was looking for the book Citizen Kane. THAT I could spell.


10/27/02

For some reason, everyone seemed to be having troubles with their vocabulary today.

A guy on his way out the door said hello to me, so I said hello back. Then he stopped, looked at me, and said, "Reciprocate."

This I did not understand. Either he was saying "reciprocate" for no reason at all, or he thought I hadn't replied when he said hello and was now demanding that I reciprocate.

So, I said, "What?"

He stepped back closer to inside than out, and said, "Let's pontificate a moment."

At this point I begin to believe that perhaps he is trying his SAT words out on me. I am not impressed and I say so.

"I understand your words," I said. "Why did you just randomly say 'reciprocate'?"

He explained to me that since he said hello and I said hello, that was reciprocation. I told him I knew that, but didn't understand why in the world he would randomly say "reciprocate" just because I reciprocated. He just said some rephrasing of what he'd already said, trying to make it look like he had said something totally appropriate, and then he left.

Then some guy told me he was buying these books for his daughter, because "she reads vociferously." I imagine he meant "voraciously," but I couldn't help but giggle at the idea of him taking these books home to his daughter so that she could read them loudly.

More examples of people refusing to listen to me. I had a couple come up and place their merchandise on the counter at the same time, but in separate piles. In situations like this I do not trust the customer to tell me any specific instructions, so I asked if this was all together. The woman told me it was. So I started to ring up the merchandise, but she stopped me and informed me that she wanted this pile to be rung separately from that pile. What she thought she was answering when she told me she did indeed want it together is beyond me.

A girl was having some trouble getting some help at Customer Service, so she came to me at the register. I told her I was not equipped to look her book up at the register and told her she'd need to go back over there, but before I could tell her I would call on the intercom and make sure the next available person would come to the desk, she interrupted, saying, "So what do you have to do, just go to the desk, stand there, and scream?" ::sigh:: If you weren't so impatient that you couldn't wait for a second for me to even TELL you what I was going to do to help you, I can't imagine you waited more than thirty seconds for someone to *appear* and help you. That's right, there're no other customers in the store, and when the customer service person gets busy he produces a clone to stand at the desk. . . .

Today I had a little scuffle with the magazine guy because he was being a dork. Early this morning our manager got scatterbrained and didn't take care of the newspapers properly, and asked me to try to do it from the register. Because only some of the papers are supposed to be in the front of the store near me (others go near the back), I could not do the whole job because I'm not allowed to go out of sight of the register. But because there was an empty space, I put the Miami Herald Sunday paper up front instead of where it usually goes in the back, figuring it was better for it to be out than to not be available at all.

Well, someone found the old issue from last week (which was our manager's fault for not taking out the old stuff and making sure the new stuff was taken to its place), and bothered our magazine guy about it. He came up and asked me where they were and informed me quite officiously that they were supposed to go in the back, but I told him to just complain to the person who was responsible. Well, then two people came up in a row buying that particular paper, which I thought was surprising, so I commented on how no one bought it all day and then two in a row. The magazine guy said, with contempt, "No one BOUGHT it because they weren't OUT." I'd say that sitting on a newspaper rack with other newspapers since the opening of the store constitutes "out," sorry. I gave him a little tongue-lashing, but I don't know why I bother; it never works. (He came up later in the day and tried to tell another coworker and me what to do, when he had no idea what we were already working on. Happens all the time.)

In other news, it annoys me greatly when people try to hand me their merchandise instead of just putting it on the counter. Do you do that at the grocery store--hand the cashier your items from your cart? No, you put them on the damn counter. I need my hands to run the damn register, and if you try and push your crap into my hands, I will just put it right down on the counter where you should have put it in the first place. Argh! (And a P.S. here: I was notified by a former grocery employee that sometimes people DO indeed try to hand you stuff if you're working at a supermarket register! I've never heard of anything quite so ridiculous; you'd think the conveyor belt would give them a freakin' clue, but no!)


10/26/02

An actual quote from a customer:

"I know you've got it. Now show me where it is."

I wasn't helping this guy--I just overheard him saying it to someone else--but I find it funny when people try to bully us into getting them stuff, like they just have to take the *tough* approach or we'll do everything we can to keep people from spending money on things they came in to buy. I also love this "I know you have it" thing. You don't "know" shit, okay guy? You "know" we have it when you're holding it in your hand.

"Excuse me, but where is your black sorority section?"

Er?

We don't even have a particular section dedicated to Greek organizations, much less a whole section for "black sororities." Turned out the lady wanted just one particular book that was on the subject, but we didn't carry it.

And now for today's bit of extreme ridiculousness; a quote from a customer.

"Ya know, I would never have know you worked here if it weren't for that apron!"

Um. Now, are bookstore workers supposed to somehow look different? Are we supposed to have a specific jaunty walk? Do we have books for heads? Actually, no. Except for our aprons, we tend to look like, well, other people. So what the hell does that mean? It is the Consumer Mystery.


10/22/02

A guy on the phone insisted that a nine-digit number should be enough to help me find a certain Chilton automotive repair guide he wanted. ISBNs are ten digits and generally start with a 1 or 0, which this number did not. He told me what the make and model of his car was but I couldn't find any listings for a guide that said it covered that model, and the guy got upset with me because I couldn't assure him that any of the ones I found were the same one he had the number for. "Well if you've got that number you can tell," he ranted. I told him that the number he had was probably some specific catalog number for the Chilton company and that we didn't have resources to search those. He just informed me snootily that he knew a place that COULD order it and he'd now be getting it from THEM. Question is, why did he bother with us in the first place if he had this surefire backup plan? Riiiiiight.

I was on the phone with Jeaux when some ass came to the Customer Service counter, slammed a book on the counter, and yelled at me, "GET TO WORK!" He was kidding around, but he really did think I needed to ring him up. I paused my conversation long enough to ask the customer if he needed to check out and of course I ended up getting to send him away, continuing to talk and not do work. The guy's "GET TO WORK!" was loud enough that Jeaux heard it through the phone and asked if that was my manager! When I told him it was a customer he seemed confused. :)


10/20/02

At the register today I had many adventures with Assholes. One of them, when asked if she had a discount card, volunteered this information:

"No, I don't. Well actually I might have one in my billfold, but it's not this store. It's the library."

I informed her that the library had nothing to do with discounts at our store and told her what getting a discount card involved. She was not interested.

Speaking of discount cards, a lady came up, saying her husband was still shopping, but that they wanted to renew their discount card first.

"I decided to come up and take care of it ahead of time," she explained, "because every time I come here they say it takes about ten minutes to do the renewal."

On what planet does it take ten minutes to type someone's name and address into a computer?

I told her it does not take that long and never did, but she just responded that her husband had been told repeatedly that it took about that long. I corrected her again and told her that when her husband was done shopping I'd be glad to show her. And true to my word, when they checked out, the sign-up process took about forty-five seconds, including writing their name on a new card. So there.

An old man wandered into the store and walked up to me at the register, and asked, "Excuse me, where are your blank VCR tapes?"

Whenever anyone says "where are your," they assume you have that item. It always blows my mind what people think we carry.

I told the man we didn't carry blank VCR tapes because we don't sell videos. He looked extremely confused and taken aback by that.

"You don't carry them?"

"No."

"I can't believe that!"

Now he was starting to look pissed off, like it was so ridiculous that a bookstore wouldn't stock video media.

"We're just a bookstore," I told him. His response was to walk out without a word.

Now, I'm directionally challenged, but I know several things about Gainesville, and one of the things I know is that this question makes no sense:

"Do the numbers on Newberry Road get smaller as you go towards Newberry Road?"

Well, considering you can't be on a road and going toward it at the same time, I asked for clarification, wanting to know which way she was going. The bad thing about confused and/or asshole people is that they often repeat the wrong part of the question.

"I'm saying, do the numbers get smaller?"

"But which WAY are you going?"

"Towards Newberry."

"But you said you were ON Newberry," I argued.

She still didn't seem to realize that her question contained a logical impossibility and repeated some other unimportant part of her question, by this point probably convinced that I was incompetent. I ended up trying to use pointing to get my question across, but then some guy in line behind her tried to straighten her out, and I let him. Blah.


10/19/02

I had come up to the register to help the other cashier, since there was a huge line. I checked out my first customer, who was buying a greeting card and a bookmark. After she'd signed her credit card slip and everything, she began calmly writing a message in the card. There were no fewer than six people in the line behind her.

I began wondering what the hell she was thinking, but figured it couldn't take too long for her to finish whatever she was doing. I was wrong. She finished writing her message, then began writing on the bookmark, just at this leisurely pace like she didn't even know she was holding everyone up. Then she tucked the card and the bookmark into the envelope, and started writing on THAT! AHHHH!

Then the lady right after her, she seemed quite confused in general. She didn't have her discount card with her but when I offered to look it up, she said, "No, that's okay if you haven't got the time." Huh? Whatever. I wasn't going to pretend I cared about it when her discount would have been less than 50˘ or whatever, so I just finished with the purchase and handed her her stuff. Still looking utterly confused, she leaned close to me and said, "Is it Halloween?"

I said that no, in fact it was not Halloween.

She said, "Oh, I thought maybe today was Halloween and I had missed it somehow. That little boy over there was talking about going to a Halloween party." Dude! Halloween's more than a week away! Your clock can't be that off!


10/17/02

Today's my day off, but I remembered something that was funny at work, and I don't know when it was. I always write these happenings down on little bits of paper with the date, but I probably lose a paper once in a while, and this must've been one of those times. Don't worry; if I lose them, no one can find them and notice that I've been writing "Look at this asshole!" or whatever; the notes are in Oatanese. Anyway.

Some guy came up to my register and had a serious stack of books in his arms. I checked him out and asked if he wanted a bag, and he leaned on the counter, looked at me like he was talking to someone incredibly incompetent, and said, "Well, I can't exactly take them out like THAT, can I?"

But wait. You just brought them up here "like that." So yes you can. Believe it or not some people with stacks of books would rather carry them in their arms than in bags; for some it's actually easier.

What's best about this story is that I told him exactly that. He didn't seem to believe me.


10/15/02

A lady lost her appointment book in the café yesterday. No, that's not an Asshole-file offense. Her offense was calling the next day (today) and asking me to check for it, then describing which table she'd left it on. Now if it was five minutes ago, cool. But not after a whole night has gone by. She really thought her book would be still sitting where she'd left it, as if we don't clean the tables or close the place up at night. Come on. So anyway, I checked our lost and found and we didn't have one, so I told her so. Her response? "Oh good. That means I probably left it somewhere I can find it!" Huh? You decided to call us first before you started looking? I don't quite get it, but okaaaay. . . .


10/14/02

Someone came in asking for books based on people's lives. I told her that we had a biography section, and she clarified that she wanted books that had been written just based on maybe famous people and their lives. Because I'd already suggested Biography I thought maybe she was thinking about fictional derivative works, and I asked if she was looking for something someone made up about a famous person or if she was looking for just a biography. At this point I got a disgusted kind of look and the customer informed me that no, she was looking for NONFICTION. But when I tried to take her to Biography, she asked me where my nonfiction section was. When I told her it was all of the store except for this little fiction section, she just said never mind and went away, apparently p.o.'ed that I didn't understand what she wanted. Apparently she didn't quite know either.

When I gave my normal "Thanks for calling" speech and the lady said, "Hello? What store is this???" I knew I was in for trouble. I was right. First, her question was, "What are your hours today?" I told her we'd opened at nine, and would be open until eleven. "ELEVEN?? Eleven at NIGHT?" I don't know about you, but I don't think there would be much point in opening a bookstore for two hours, even if it is Columbus Day. Whatever. So, then she asked me if we sell gift certificates. I told her that we did, and she asked if she could get them in any amount she wanted. I told her that we have ready-made gift cards in the amounts $15, $25, and $50, and that if she wanted an amount other than one of those I'd have to check and see if we had any blanks. (Sometimes we don't.) She got all confuzzled and said, "Well, if I wanted a fifty-dollar one, would I be able to get that?" Why people ask questions and then don't listen to the answers I'll never know, but I was patient and said yes, in fact she could get a $50. "So I could just come in any time before eleven and get one?" Ack! What would she have said if I said no? What other answer could there have been? No, ma'am, I'm sorry but we don't sell gift cards on Columbus Day. No ma'am, we have fifty-dollar cards, but we're not allowed to sell them to YOU. No ma'am, gift cards are only available before five o'clock. ::sigh::

A lady at Customer Service was looking at our "New Releases" sign, which tells which books by which authors are coming out when. After looking at it for some time, the lady approached my desk and asked if we had the new Stuart Woods book. I told her we did and that it had just come out today. I came out of the desk to get it for her, but then she stopped me and pointed at the new release board again, and asked about whether she could also get another book. A book that was clearly labeled with a release date in the future. When I told her we didn't have that one yet she just stubbornly pointed to the board again and said, "Well it's on there!" So, you can read titles and authors but you can't read the release dates? Come on.


10/13/02

I was up at the register today, and my very first customer just wanted to renew her discount card and that was all. I opened my drawer to get her a new one and there were none to be had, so I thought we were probably out since it'd been a problem all week (since no one ordered replenishments). So I decided to try to use her old discount card number as her new one in the computer, just changing the date on the card so it'd be updated for another year. It didn't work; the computer rejected me because the number was "already in use." So, I called the back room and found out that there were more discount cards back there; the manager got our magazine specialist to bring them up to me. But when he got there, as he gave me the stack, he said patronizingly, "You always give them a new card!" As if it was something I didn't know. I replied that I WOULD have if I'd HAD any, and he went away. Later in the day he came up and told me I shouldn't be reading at the register (which I wasn't, but I wasn't working either; I was writing), and told me I should be straightening up and that I had a dirty floor. I told him to fuck off, and invited him to tell me what to do when he was my manager. At that point he got all sulky, pretended to be insulted, and told me he'd just been kidding. As if I don't have enough jerks in my life without him kidding about being one.

I was straightening up my Kids' section later in the day and I found a Where's Waldo? book embedded in Beginning Readers, along with two Christmas craft books. So, I took all three and on my way to Kids' Activity I stopped in Crafts & Hobbies to put away the Christmas books. Since I needed two hands to get them in, I put the Where's Waldo? book on the floor. Well, a well-meaning young man walked by and stopped at my row, picked up the book, and tried to hand it to me in the midst of my holding other books out of the way of the ones I was sliding in. I took the book, said "Thanks," and then put it right back where he'd picked it up from. Hehehe.


10/12/02

I was on the register, straightening up some papers that had gotten disorganized, and a lady suddenly got my attention by saying, "OH, I didn't see you." She was standing at another register, having squeezed her books onto the counter around the display that's supposed to discourage people from doing that at closed registers. I cheerfully said, "Oh, I didn't see you either." She replied that she wanted to buy these items, and pointed to them, then pointed to the desk like I was supposed to come there. Um. Do you do that in the grocery store? Go to a closed aisle and step over the chain, load up your items, and try to get the clerk to come to you? No, you don't. So why does she think it's any different at the bookstore? Nevertheless, she did it, and seemed a bit annoyed and definitely surprised when I told her she'd need to bring the books to my counter, since it was the only open register. ::sigh::

Someone came to Customer Service and plopped a pile of books down--usually the sign of a person who thinks they can check out at the desk. I asked if she had a question, and she, predictably, said, "NO, I wanna buy these." I told her that she'd have to go to the cash register for that and directed her accordingly, but then she said, "Actually I do have a question. Do you have videos?" I told her that we didn't carry videos. "Well, I need one of those travel videos. You think you could order me one?" No ma'am, I'm fairly certain we can't order travel videos from our book warehouse. ::sigh:: And then, of course, she asked if we had CDs. It's not that these are inappropriate questions in and of themselves, but when all these things happen from the same customer, it just strikes me as, well, ignorant.

A man with like four kids wanted into the collector's case today. He came over and recruited me to open it, and as I was trying to get to the desk to get the key, the man WOULDN'T GET OUT OF MY WAY. It was like he had some innate ability to move right where I wanted to go. And then, the ultimate irony: He said, "Come on, kids, get out of her way." I figured out that he thought I had the key with me already because he was trying to back up out of the way of the case itself, to make room for me to open its doors. Man was he surprised when I finally said "Excuse me" and went past him to the desk to get the damn key. Hehe.

Argh. I hate these kind of people. I was humming some song that was stuck in my head, and an old guy came to Customer Service and requested to pay for his newspaper there. I told him he had to go to the register and then went back to my work, still humming. He passed me, and then he stopped and winked, and said, "YOU'VE got a date tonight, I can tell." Oh, of course. THAT'S why I'm happy, I'm seeing some jackass boy and we're gonna have pointless fun and sex on our Saturday party date tonight. I told him that wasn't the case but didn't elaborate, and promptly stopped humming. I wonder sometimes if these people have any idea who they're talking to.

The pointing lady from 10/9 came back again. And she did the same exact thing. She got me to help by saying "I NEED YOU," pointing to the desk, and then tried to point to her book. Believe me, I remember you, though obviously you don't remember that POINTING isn't a very descriptive way to tell an employee which book is yours.

On a high note, a lady came back today who, a long time ago, had asked for my website address to share with her daughter who is an aspiring fantasy writer. Turned out she'd lost my info the first time I'd shared with her, and wanted it again. It's so cool to think that people actually care about my stuff and are interested in reading it. This time she must've gotten it home intact, because her daughter e-mailed me. Yay.


10/9/02

Today I got a phone call from a lady who didn't know quite what she wanted yet. She wanted a book on a certain test but I didn't have any medical test books in stock except pharmacy and nurse's, and she wanted one for like the emergency medical people in ambulances or something. When I told her we didn't have anything, she said she saw a book online and wanted to know if we could order it. But she didn't know the name or anything about it. So, while I'm standing there with two people at the desk waiting for me to get done and help them, she says she's going to go look it up on the internet for me right now. And it took a LONG time. Just on the phone with me, "No that's not it, hmm, I know I saw it." I was on the verge of telling her I had customers and she needed to call back when she knew what she wanted, when she found it. We couldn't even order this random obscure book, so finally I got off the phone.

In the meantime, some lady was freaking out. She was rubbernecking trying to see if any other employees were coming to help her, tapping fingers, the whole bit to make sure anyone knew she was impatiently awaiting help. While I was on hold with Internet Lady, she finally broke in and interrupted, asking me, "Where are the baby books?" I don't know if people know this, but "baby books" could mean at least three different things that I could think of at that point. Books for babies, books about babies, and books to record babies' milestones and whatnot. When I asked for clarification, "What kind of baby books?" she was like, "You know, the books you get for a newborn baby." I just pointed her toward Family since they're all near there anyway, and she went away. I was still on the phone when she was BACK, and when a man in a suit went by she accosted him and said, "SIR, I need help!" He was like, "I don't work here," and kept walking. It was kinda funny. Finally she got instructions from the cashier to check out Hallmark, 'cause it turned out she wanted memento books. She couldn't find prices on any of the ones she wanted, and took them up to the cashier, who couldn't do anything about that because some jerk had torn off their plastic or stolen their boxes, along with the price tag. When the cashier explained that in that situation they just have to get a manager to price it, the lady just lost it and left, having been put through way too much hassle just to get what she needed. Hehe.

A jerky lady needed help at Customer Service. When I saw her she was waving like she was trying to flag down a freaking cab, and when she saw me look at her she pointed to the desk urgently, a sign language equivalent to "get your ass over here, slave!" I came to help her.

"I ordered a book and it's come in," she said. "I think I see it. It's right there!" Pointing.

Now, if you are more than six feet away and you are pointing vaguely in the direction of my bookshelves, I cannot tell which specific book you are pointing at. So I said the logical thing: "What name is it under, please?"

"It's that one! That book right there! The one with the balloon on it!"

Ohkay.

"It'll be easier to find it if you just tell me what name you ordered it under."

Apparently she couldn't remember which name she'd ordered under; she said it MIGHT be under one of them, but when I went to look for it she started telling me it wasn't on that shelf, it was on THAT shelf, with the pointing again.

Dear Lord.

"What is the OTHER name you could have ordered under?"

She told me it was right THERE, on that shelf to the left, don't you see it?

NAME PLEASE.

Finally she gave me the name and I found it no trouble.

Then she came back, wanted me to help her find another book, and I found it and went about my business. But then when I came up to the desk again to do something else, she was standing there and she was like, "Oh ma'am?"

I asked if she needed something because when I turned to her she didn't do anything but keep looking at her book.

"Oh, I don't need anything yet. Just don't run away again, because when I'm done looking at this I want you to put it on hold with my other book, so I can get them both when I get paid next week."

Yeah. I'm gonna stand there while you leaf through the book at your leisure, waiting for you to be done. Nooooope! I told her I'd be back to get them next time I was up, and I'd put them under the same name as the other book. She reminded me what it was. After it taking so long for me to get it out of her, it wasn't like I was going to forget.

Oh yeah, and since the book that we found in the store was the last one, she reminded me, "I guess you'd better order another one of that book for your store now."

Okay, that's ridiculous. First off that's not how the store runs; it replaces a book when it's bought, so it takes a week or two. Secondly, if that WAS how the store was run (meaning employees physically ordered a book whenever the last one was claimed), why would she have to remind me?


10/8/02

If you want to work somewhere, usually you're nice to the people there. So I'm not sure what the deal was when this lady came up to the desk; I turned around and before I could even ask her "May I help you?" she just held out her hand and said, "Job application." Then she sort of incredulously held out her hand again, after I gave her one, and said, "And a pen?" I didn't have an extra pen and wasn't going to surrender my only one that I needed for WORK, so I said I didn't have one. Her response was to start wiggling her head around looking for some mythical pen that might be lying on the desk. I told her she wasn't going to find a pen at the desk because they disappear into black holes. She didn't laugh and just walked away, probably off to demand a pen from someone else. Why would you come to fill out applications while in the store without a pen anyway? Shouldn't you be prepared? Anyway when she turned in her application I saw her work hours were really wonky and pick-and-choosy for every day, basically making it so there was no way she could even work an entire normal shift, and besides that she'd indicated she'd been in trouble with the law before. Great: Rude, unavailable, and a previous criminal. Your chances look great! Not.

This happens more often than I care to say. After I told a lady we didn't carry the book she wanted and was in the middle of telling her what her other options were, she hung up on me. Like I'm some voicemail system. I fucking hate that.

A lady and a man came up and they wanted books on international commerce. Neither had any particular book they wanted me to look up, so I said that we would go to the Business area. They stopped me and asked why I wasn't looking for anything in the computer. I explained that if they didn't want something specific, the computer wouldn't be of any help. They didn't understand, still, why I wouldn't look up anything in the computer, acting as though I was just trying to get out of helping them, with this attitude of "I just don't understand why you don't try to pull something up in the computer." I explained AGAIN that without a specific title, the computer would do nothing more than say "go to the Business section," which is what I was doing. "You mean to tell me if I don't have a certain book, you can't help?" I took them to the section anyway and showed them what I had, and they made a big deal out of how now they'd have to look through every book. I told them that since we didn't have an "international commerce section," they would be by author in general Business and they had no other choice if they didn't have more information for me. Oh well. Why should they be expected to do any research to get what they want?

I was sick of taking shit from customers, so when a guy started being incredibly rude, I just turned into an airheaded, giggling kid, oblivious to his ridiculous behavior. He began his weirdness by wanting help at Customer Service; I was in the Kids' section right across the way, and I watched him walk up. I was on the way to the desk when he started banging his hand on the desk, looking at me, and saying, "HelLOOOOOO!" I just skipped up to the desk and said, "Hiiiii!" and then I banged the desk too and said it was fun. He told me, "You all need a bell or something so I can get a hold of you people!" I said I'd watched him walk up and had been on my way to the desk before he even got there, and then I asked what he needed. Well, he calmed down and explained what he wanted, and I took him to the section. He was a little old, so I thought I might annoy him by walking extremely fast, but he didn't seem to notice and kept up pretty well. Anyway, I let him alone so he could browse, going back to put some books in the Kids' Activity section. And uh-oh, I heard the banging at the desk again! "HelLOOOO! ANYBODY HOME????" Bang bang bang. I decided he needed to learn to be civil, and decided I was going to finish making a home for the books in my arms, put them away, and THEN walk up to the desk. His impatient ass could learn to wait his turn. So, I moved some books over, and no sooner had I finished my task than I hear an announcement: "Assistance to Customer Service please?" Oh, shit, he's not waited five seconds and gone to the register to try to get help THERE. So, I go to meet him, and he's at the desk again, banging. As soon as I was in eyesight of the desk, I began walking REALLY SLOWLY. I called, "I'm coming!" and exaggerated my movements so that I looked like I was running, but I was actually going very slowly. "I'm coming!" "Coming VERY SLOWLY," he grumbled. I was like, "Yup!" and pretended to be out of breath when I got to the desk. He explained that I hadn't taken him to what he wanted and that this author also had military fiction. I hadn't known that offhand, so I showed him where to look and that was the end of it. It was fun, though!

I had a jerk guy come up and ask me to get the key to the trading card case. I got it, unlocked it, and then he opened the case and stared goofily into its inside, realizing that we didn't have what he wanted. He looked for a good solid minute, then looked up and asked me if we had any of some Magic booster that obviously wasn't in there. I wondered if he expected me to sprinkle magic trading card fairy dust on it so he could see the hidden cards. Now, the collector's case is not opaque. It has glass doors. Why did he feel the need to come and get me to unlock it when he could see through the glass that we didn't have what he wanted?

Some lady on the phone needs to sharpen her listening skills. She was looking for some specific educational materials that we didn't carry in our store, so I told her she might want to check at the educational store in our town. I said, "They're called The Learning Path, but that's all I know." Her response: "And, what are they called?" ::sigh::

A lady wanted help in the Religion section today, and asked our cashier. Since she had to check people out, she explained to the lady that I would have to help her and to go to Customer Service. Well, she seemed to think this translated to "I'll just stand here in the religious section and wait for someone to come to me." After I heard an "assistance to Customer Service" call, I went to the desk and no one came, and the lady I was supposed to help was just still standing there waiting in the wrong place for help. The cashier came out again and explained to the lady that I was the one to help her, pointing across the store at me. The lady still did not make any move to come to my desk, so the cashier said to me, "Could you come help this lady with Bibles?" I said sure and started coming, a little annoyed that she'd probably ask me some goofy question that would require me to take us both back to the desk.

As I was coming, she kept trying to get my attention even though she already had it. I had eye contact with her and everything, and when I got close enough that I wouldn't have to yell to talk to her I was like, "What can I help you with?" and her response was "Ma'am?? Ma'am??" with wavy hand movements like she thought I was going to go by her. I just sighed and got right on top of her so she'd know I would help.

"I need your opinion on these Bibles," she said. "Do you know anything about which version would be best?" I bit my lip. Okay, lady, you're talking to someone who's wearing a big fat pentagram necklace. My opinion of the Bible will probably be useless to you, believe me. But she just asked me what I thought would be best for these preteen twin sons of hers, and I gave her an edjamakated guess and left, snickering at the idea of a Christian lady wanting Bible advice from my filthy heathen ass.


10/7/02

A lady came up wanting to know where the Harry Potter books were. I showed her and asked which she needed. She said, "The new one!" I told her that the newest Harry Potter book was two and a half years ago. She was a bit shocked by that, just having assumed that they would suddenly come out as she finished the previous one or something. She wanted to know when the new one WOULD be out, and I said the author just signed a publishing contract and we couldn't expect anything 'til at the earliest spring next year or something. But then her husband wandered up and he said, "Well that sign says it's out on the twenty-sixth!" I asked him what it said, since I knew for a fact there was no Harry Potter coming out this month, and he was like, "It says 10/26, Harry Potter 'Chamber.'" That's the second book. I assume it's getting issued in mass-market paperback on that day, the way the first one was last year. But no, by all means, tell me I'm wrong even though I'm the one who works in the book business. ::sigh::

A guy was waiting for me to finish helping someone else at the Customer Service counter. When I got to him, he just stood there. Often when people do that and have a stack of books that they're just expectantly putting in front of you (like this guy), chances are they think they can check out at the Customer Service desk. So I asked him, "Oh, are you checking out?"

Response? "No, actually, I wanted to pay for these."

We don't check out books like a library, so what else could "check out" mean? I sent him to the checkout counter.


10/6/02

Some guy at Customer Service had no title and no author. Not entirely unprecedented, but of course his attitude was this baffled "But you can't help me without that?" He described the type of book it was and I explained that that type of book would probably be in the Business section, but then he was like, "Well can't you check in your computer first before I walk over there?" It seemed he was unable to comprehend that without looking for a specific book, I won't know if I've found it. What does he think I can type in? He also was annoyed that our computers don't tell us what's in the store at the moment. I just fail to see why that bugged him so much if he had no friggin' clue what he even wanted.

I helped a lady with two books. I found them both in the computer and we found the first book in the Health section with no problem. Then when we got to the Social Sciences section for her other one, I temporarily forgot what we'd been looking for, and said, "Now, what was that other one?" She began fumbling in her brain for the information and babbling, "Let's see, um, um, tip of my tongue" type of thing, but then I remembered it and said, "Oh yeah, it's [whatever it was, I've forgotten now, heh]." But she kept doing that! She kept saying how she knew she'd remember, oh wait, oh no, oh, I can't believe I've forgotten . . . so I repeated it again. And still, she searched and searched, knocking her head against her hand and looking very frustrated. So I said it again. Finally she heard me and was like, "OH, THAT'S it!!" Heh, she was trying so hard to tune out everything else that she didn't even hear me provide the answer!

I think, overall, my most annoying customer today was the homeopathy lady. She was a very nice young lady and never said anything rude, but she was expecting too much. See, this lady seemed to think bookstores are libraries. And she wasn't calling for a book; she was calling for information. Unfortunately I was not aware of this when she called, because she asked if I had any books on homeopathy. I told her we did and that I would tell her which ones. It turned out we had three, one of which was an "Idiot's Guide To" book, one was specifically for headaches, and one was a British general book. Well, she wanted to know if there were any listings for practitioners she could call, and organizations that were in charge of the practice. I told her I could glance in the indexes and see if there were any phone numbers, and she thanked me. But then when I mentioned that there were about five listed, she was like, "Okay, let me go ahead and get all of those from you. . . ." Excuse me? She wanted me to read them off to her. And what was worse was, she couldn't hear me very well and continually asked me to repeat myself, having gotten everything I said wrong. When I told her one of them had a website, she asked me if I would go on the website and try to find her some certain information since she didn't have internet service! I told her our computers don't connect outside our own system (which is true), but I don't think she believed me.

Then she wanted to know if either of the other books had any listings.

One of them didn't have anything, and the other had a couple but they were in Britain. For some reason she wanted those, and then pulled a question out of her butt, "And you said there were some in Russia?" When did I say that? Ohhhkay. Finally I started trying to bring the call to a close because she was just getting ridiculous, and I walked away from the section and back to the desk to see who else was waiting for help. When I was already halfway across the store, she looked at one of her phone numbers and told me she thought she hadn't gotten it right, and told me she wanted me to check it for her. She repeated it to me and I told her I was not by the books anymore and didn't happen to remember. So she said, "Okay, well, I'll need you to read it off to me again, then." AHHH! WHAT? I decided to be nice and went back to the section (though I did tell her that I was having to walk back across the store), and she had it totally wrong. ::sigh:: Finally I got rid of her and she went about her business. I shudder to think what would have happened had we actually had internet access at our store.


10/5/02

My first customer of the day today was a total ass. She was a lady who wanted to return something, and instead of asking if she was in the right place to do returns or whether she could return it, her opening line was, "I need to bring this back." So, I began going through the normal sequence of events for her return. And EVERY SINGLE STEP was treated like I was being unreasonable and hassling her! I had to wait for a management approval. She tapped her fingers. I wanted her receipt. She sighed and rummaged for it, and gave it to me, "HERE." I needed ID. She gave me a dirty look. I asked for a phone number for the return form. She refused to give it. I needed the credit card she bought it on so I could charge the money back. She got huffy. I needed her to sign one slip for the credit card company and one for our return records. I gave her one slip at a time and she acted all frazzled, "Well which one do I sign? Which one is the return form?" and I had only given her one thing. She looked at her copy of the receipt and informed me that she should have gotten more back, and was only satisfied when I compared the exact amount she got back to the same figure on her receipt. Finally she went away without thanking me, leaving trash on the counter. You're welcome, lady.

Then a refreshing change of pace at the register: A customer who blamed something that was her own fault on HERSELF. Now, usually, when customers have no idea what they want or they forget their reading list or they don't have their discount card, it's still our fault that we can't help them, because somehow we should sprinkle them with bookstore magic. After being confronted with this crap all day, I thought I'd cry for joy when I got this lady.

"Do you have a discount card?" I said.

"Well, yes," she said, "but I left it at home, because I'm an idiot."

I laughed and told her that if she got it at my store, I could look her up. She wasn't sure if she got it here or if it was in date, but when I couldn't find her, she said, "That's all right. If I didn't bring the card, I don't deserve the benefits."

Then Satan called and told me the air conditioning had kicked in and invited me to tea.

Another customer was funny. I was ringing up his stuff, and his young son was with him. I asked him if he had everything he needed, and he replied, "Well, I'd like to return this kid. It's defective." Hehehe.


10/2/02

I was going about my business answering a phone call, on my way up to the desk, when I heard shouting. A grumpy man was being positively belligerent to the person trying to help him at Customer Service. The employee was our café manager; she doesn't work bookside, but she knows the Customer Service desk well enough to look things up and knows the store well enough to find things because she's been here a while. Anyway, apparently the guy was under the impression that he'd called and had two Merck Manuals held (they're medical books, if you don't know), and no one had any memory of the event and no one had put them aside. When I got there, he was whining at her, saying, "Well if YOU can't help me, you get someone who can!"

When I got up there I was talking to the lady on the phone, and he was like, "Oh, well can YOU help me?" I had put the lady on hold so I could look for her book, and I asked what the problem was. He started going off about how he can't believe we did this to him, he called in and had books held and he gets there and we don't know what he's talking about, and his friend is waiting outside in the hot sun and he has no time to sit here and wait for our incompetent asses to help him. Turned out he was insisting that "Merck" was spelled "Murk," and the café manager said she was pretty sure it was "Merck" because her mom was a nurse and she'd seen the books in her own house. But he had replied, "You just do it my way!" Well, after a couple unsuccessful attempts to find "Murk," she said she was going to do it her way, and found it . . . and endured more whining from him about why it takes so long to find a freaking book! And it was his misspelling that caused it to take that long in the first place!

So when I got up there he tried to get me to help, but I saw how belligerent he was being and I kind of got in his face, and I said that I was already helping someone on the phone, and had to finish helping HER before I tried to help him. I said I'd try after I was done with my customer. At that point the café manager said she was going to go get the Merck Manuals and took off from the desk. The guy grumbled to himself and then hit the counter and said, "When she comes back you tell her I couldn't wait, and I'll be back tomorrow and y'all BETTER have them." He left. I rolled my eyes.

When she got back holding two Merck Manuals, I told her he left, and asked what name he had said to put them under.

It was Mr. Wise.

(If you don't know why that's annoying, read the entry for 9/16/02.)

Chances are he made a mistake about having them held, since that was the same bullshit that happened that day. The café manager told me that my unwillingness to help him also pissed him off, and that when the computer came up with his Merck Manual (spelled HER way), he was like, "Oh, BLESSINGS," in a condescending tone like it was her fault or our computer's fault that it had taken that long, not his own insistence that it was spelled "Murk." Why does he keep shopping here if he's never satisfied?


10/1/02

Oh my God. This was the SUPREME Day of Assholes, worse than 8/17/02 or 1/7/02. Seriously, today takes the cake.

First, an occurrence that was not pure jackassery, but was notable:

A girl came in and asked for a certain paperback. I was on my way to the desk to look it up for her when the phone rang. It was the other store, asking for a book for a customer in their store. And both that customer and my customer were asking for the SAME book! HAHA!! (And NO one else all day asked for that book. That is just weird.)

On to the Assholes.

I had a lot of problems with customer orders today. A few times I had to call the warehouse and find out what happened to a customer's order or something, and this customer service transaction was one of those. The man had ordered two books and only one had ever come in, so I called to find out what was up. The computer indicated that the book had been "picked" but never shipped, and when the lady pulled up the order, it turned out that the book he'd ordered had not been released until this week and couldn't be shipped before that. It had apparently been picked yesterday and was set to come in this week's shipment for Sunday. I relayed this information to the gentleman. His response?

"Oh, now she's lying."

Huh? He explained that there was no way it was packed up yesterday, oh so conveniently, and I was probably just telling him that to make him shut up. I explained that the book wasn't released until the very end of September, making it impossible to ship earlier, but he just shook his head, denied that too, and insisted that since we had it in our BookPage last month it had to be available. I told him that wasn't always the case, that the BookPage lists upcoming books all the time, but he was not convinced and went away still shaking his head, probably just appalled at our horrid service where we lie to him and withhold books, hoping to keep him from spending money in our store. I wonder if he'll be surprised when someone really does call on Sunday and say his book is in.

I had a lady call me on the phone to ask whether some books she'd had put aside were still there. I checked under her name and there was no trace of the books. She told me that "Neil said he'd put them aside for me," and I told her I was looking where Neil was supposed to have put them. It didn't stop her from asking if there was "anywhere else" they could be (yeah, we have about six locations we file books for customers for maximum confusion, and it's a toss-up as to where it actually ends up . . . come on, lady). I told her I was looking where customer holds were kept, and that I'd looked in the other cubbyholes for other customers' names and around on the desk in case he had misfiled it, but it wasn't to be found. While I was crouched over looking, a lady in the store came up behind me and said "Hell-OOOO . . ." in the "give me your attention I'm a customer" voice, and so I turned around so she could see I was on the phone. She was pacified by that. I continued talking to the lady on the phone--it wasn't her fault that her books were misplaced, but I didn't like how she kept repeating that "Neil said he'd put them aside for me" and that he sounded like he knew what he was doing and whatnot (maybe insinuating that I didn't?), and then the lady in the store said, "You could offer to re-order it for her!" Thanks lady. You don't even know this situation, considering it wasn't an "order" in the first place, so kindly butt out. I checked the shelf to see if they'd been returned, but we only had other books by the author, not those ones, and I told her I didn't know what to tell her, obviously something had gone wrong and I didn't know where. I said the only way I could get them for her now is to either order them to my store or have her talk to the other store and see if they still had copies. When I finally got to the lady in the store, she wanted a book she'd ordered, which ALSO wasn't there, and then she revealed that she'd been called over two weeks ago (after which time we usually send the books back), and I could kinda tell she thought, after witnessing my conversation on the phone and what happened to her, that either our company sucks at processing orders or I just don't know my job. I hate that.

This was an interesting one. A lady came in and opened by telling me the book she wanted was like number 22,000 on our bestselling list. (Huh?) She had found it on our website and wanted it, and said it was called "ComputerMares." First off I thought she said "Computer Mayors" because her accent was that thick that "mares" is two syllables, but we figured it out fast enough. Anyway, there was no record of any "ComputerMares," and she started looking at me confusedly and telling me that didn't make any sense since "the website specifically mentioned y'all," which carries the implication that since she found it on the site and I can't, I'm doing something wrong. I told her I could take her to the computer section and see if we spot it, and she agreed, but when she got there, she asked where fiction was. I asked why she wanted fiction, and she said that the book was stories of things that happened in tech support, and it sounded funny because she used to work in tech support. I asked if they were true stories and she said yes, so I asked why that would be fiction. She maintained that it would be, and I just said if it's true accounts of tech support I doubted it would be listed as a fiction. But we didn't find it in the computer section, and she only had vague recollections of what the author's last name MIGHT be, so I couldn't help her anymore. I remembered that we got an advance promotional copy of a book that was about tech support stories, and recalled that it might have been something like "TechMares." I thought that might be it, and looked that up. It was something we could order. I couldn't find the lady in the store, though. And strangely enough, later she called me back when she got back to Lake City or whatever, and asked if I was the one that looked up "ComputerMares" for her. She told me it was called TechMares. I'm glad that happened and that I fielded the call because that way she knows it wasn't just me being an ass who can't find a book that's number 22,000 on our OWN bestseller list. (GAH.)

A guy who claimed to have worked at the other store seemed surprised when I needed more than just his first name to order a book for him. Now wait a second. "What name should I order under?" "Danny." "Danny. . . ." "What? Oh, you need my last name too?" Jeez! No, since only about three people order a book a week, I'm sure you'll be the only Danny. That's the thing about book-ordering. People have this weird conception that they're the only ones doing it, or that if they come in and say which book they've ordered, we'll only have a few on the shelf and will be able to quickly pick it up. News flash: We usually have several HUNDRED books on hold at a time. Come on. Gimme your name.

I was talking to our community ambassador for a few minutes near the Kids' section when a man wandered up to us asking a question, kind of tossed up for either of us to answer. Since she's pretty new and his question was weird I went ahead and jumped in to help him, explaining that the Regional section was this way and we could give it a look. But then he completely ignored me, not following me, and continued trying to tell her what he wanted. She told him I was on my way to show him where to look, at which point he finally followed me and we had no more problems. Weird.

One of my first customers this morning was a guy on the phone. He wanted a certain book, and I said I'd give it a look and come right back. I put him on hold, walked to the computer desk, and typed it up. Before the computer had even come up with the info, my phone rang again . . . and there was no other line on hold. It was the guy again. "HI, I was holding to find the price of a book?" Well, first off he hadn't said anything about finding price, but I let that slide. I told him I was the one who'd been helping him, and asked what happened. His response? "Can I just find out the PRICE of a BOOK PLEASE??" I responded to his inappropriate aggravation by being a little rude, saying, "I AM finding that out. I answered the phone the first time you called. Where did you go?" He said he "got cut off," which is usually a veiled accusation that I either cut him off or else I took too long, neither of which was even close to possible. But whatever, I let that go too. I told him the book's cost--it was like $24.95, new hardcover--and he repeated that incredulously, and then said, "I can get it at Barnes & Noble for $14.97." Then go there, I thought, but I informed him that my price was the set hardcover retail price. He bid me a hasty and rude goodbye, and I decided to do some research.

I called Barnes & Noble. I gave them the ISBN for the book and asked for the price. They said it was on sale for $18.97 (which means he either has a bad memory or decided to exaggerate about five bucks) and that it was on their bestseller list. I asked if the bestseller list there was for their store or from a national list like New York Times, and they said it was just their store. Which explains why we didn't have it on a bestseller list. Actually on ours it was like number 28 out of 30, and only our top 10 have a bestseller discount.

Just as I was about to leave today, I got one of those very helpless customers who pretty much has no idea what they want or how to find it, but you'd better get it. She opened by asking me where the popular children's book was about the moon. I asked if she meant Goodnight Moon. "No, it's something like Moon . . . I don't know, Goodnight Moon or something?" I replied that was what I already asked, and we giggled about it, and I took her to that section.

If you don't know, Goodnight Moon IS quite popular, and there are like four editions of it (regular hardcover, paperback, large board book, and small board book), plus some gift editions (e.g., book with booties, book with socks, book with hairbrush, et cetera). "Which one is best?" she asks. Jeeeeeez. They're the same book. You decide which is "best" for your purposes. I suggested the small board book since it was for a newborn. Then she wanted to know other books they love (meaning baby kids), and I suggested some other popular things, like Pat the Bunny and Guess How Much I Love You. She just kept taking everything I suggested and putting it in her cart!

She asked about dinosaur books, and we had one with a big dino face on it in the Baby section, but I suggested taking her to the dinosaur section so she'd have more choice. She carried the dino face book with her, and when we got there she decided on a different one. Now that dino face book was something they sent like ten billion copies of, and they were supposed to go in the Baby section but I ran out of room, so I'd put maybe three in the section and then the rest with the other dinosaur books, since I had more room there. As a result, the same dino face book was also with dino books when she was looking. When she chose the other book, she asked if she could put the dino face book with the others of its kind right there, even though she'd gotten it from the Baby section. I was pleased that she asked such a considerate question and said she could. And guess what she did? Just laid it ON TOP of them, instead of putting it down on the shelf. AGH! Do people not understand that that is not "putting it back"? That is making a mess, even if it's close to the place it goes. (Or RIGHT ON TOP of it.) I grabbed it right in front of her and put it on the shelf, but she wasn't paying attention, and asked for Dr. Seuss. I took her to the section.

Now "Where's Cat in the Hat?" Agh, can you not use those eye things? "And where's that caterpillar book?" We'd passed it on the way to the dinosaur books and she'd pointed it out and already forgotten where it had been. And as I was trying to pack up my stuff and had even taken off my apron (she'd kept me about 10 minutes past my clock out time), she kept asking me more stuff, "where's Muppet books?" meaning Sesame Street, and whatever. Oh well, at least, with the amount of stuff she ended up buying, she probably paid for a week of my paycheck.

In other news, our community ambassador, who has this pipe dream that customer service is fun, finally had a bad day yesterday. People were just randomly rude to her all day. She described a guy who called wanting a book, and she said she would switch phones to reach the computer and look it up for him. He said, "I don't want to hear your problems, just look my book up now!" and stuff, and when she said she wasn't telling him "problems," that she was just telling him she was going to put him on hold, he repeated his assertion that he didn't want to hear her problems, and just "what do I have to do to get you to just look the book up for me?" and stuff. Hehe. A few more days like that and she'll have to realize that it isn't roses all the time, or in fact very often at all.


On to November!


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