We're unfortunately very used to hearing these things, and even though many of the comments in the collaborative video seem like technically positive, supportive, or neutral statements or questions, please be aware that your phrasing, your intent, and your relationship with the asexual person you're talking to are all taken into account when you discuss this with us. Here's a guide to the statements made in the video and why we'd rather not hear them. You may also get some use out of How to Be an Asexual Ally, because we're assuming at this point that you do NOT say any of the quotes in Asexual Bingo (a much more dismissive, combative, and disgusting collection).

1. I've never heard of THAT. Obviously we aren't upset if you've never heard of asexuality, but sometimes people who say they haven't heard of it before insist that they would have encountered it somewhere before if it was actually "real." We're working on getting awareness of our orientation out into the mainstream, but that takes time.

2. I don't think that's actually a thing humans can be/That's for plants. We know that some plants and single-celled creatures reproduce asexually. We're not talking about our reproduction; we're talking about our orientation. Humans can have an asexual orientation. We're doing it.

3. Did you get this idea from the Internet? Most asexuals were struggling for understanding before finding the community, and we're rare enough that we don't tend to encounter each other in ordinary social situations often. We don't have much of a choice about using the Internet if we want to talk to others like ourselves. But no, we did not "get the idea" from the Internet, any more than people got the idea to try sex because thet saw porn online. We "get the idea" from ourselves, and though of course there are always impressionable people around who might incorrectly label themselves asexual because of something they read on the Internet, you can't ask to discontinue asexuality awareness efforts just in case it might spare some non-asexual people some confusion. I wrote essays about being "non-sexual" and posted them online long before the main asexual network based around AVEN was created; many other asexual people were independently inventing words to describe themselves before they found others.

4. So, what, does that mean you're attracted to animals? No. This is offensive because a) it's a kind of ridiculous conclusion and b) it suggests everyone has to be attracted to SOMETHING, and replacing our answer of "attracted to no one" with "attracted to sheep, then?" makes no sense.

5. Do you really need a label for all the sex you're not having? Yes. We name things when we want to talk about them. There's no reason why asexuality should be unnamed just because most people seem to think it stands for an absence. The "we should just avoid labels" nonsense and the fear that we'll force ourselves to keep a label if we put it on ourselves is misguided. Asexuality isn't nothing, so it needs a word. (It's also not the same thing as abstinence or celibacy.)

6. You're using the word wrong/That's NOT what asexual means. Most people who say this are suggesting that "asexual" already has a meaning in reproductive science to describe reproduction that isn't sexual. Since no one will actually think we're claiming to be able to reproduce by budding when we call ourselves asexual as humans, it's not ridiculous for us to use the word for application to our orientation.

7. Why don't you just say "celibate"? Many asexual people ARE celibate because they often aren't interested in having sex, but "celibacy" describes having a policy against having sex (usually for a specific reason), and "abstinence" refers to abstaining from sex, while asexuality is an orientation. Just like a gay man can be gay and have sex with a woman, an asexual person can have sex and still not be attracted to anyone, so when we say asexuality is not celibacy, we mean we aren't sexually attracted to anyone. A small percentage of asexuals are sexually active, or have been in the past. Non-asexual people can also choose to be celibate. It's not offensive if you honestly didn't understand the difference between asexuality and celibacy and you ask us this, but if you insist in a condescending way that celibacy is the word we should be using, some may be offended.

8. You guys should really find a more appropriate word. This one's working fine for us. And let's face it; if people are confused by asexuality, it's unlikely that it's because we didn't pick the best word.

9. Does that mean you masturbate a lot? Not necessarily. Some asexual people have a sex drive. Some don't. Some choose to take care of their sex drive through masturbation. Some don't. It's not offensive for you to be curious about our masturbation habits, but be aware that you probably shouldn't be asking an individual that question unless you are on the kind of terms with that person under which you would have felt comfortable discussing masturbation habits even if asexuality wasn't involved. Also, assuming we must masturbate suggests you're processing yourself, as a person with sexual urges, in the shoes of an abstinent person, and not being able to imagine life without regular sexual satisfaction. It's better to process us in our shoes, not you in our shoes. Our shoes don't fit you.

10. People who masturbate can't be asexual. So there's also this reversal: Many people think that masturbation automatically suggests a person is "sexual." Asexual people don't necessarily think of masturbation as a sexual behavior, though nobody's disputing that it involves what are termed "the sex organs," so if your argument is just a pedantic one surrounding what behaviors are by definition "sexual," there is no reason to bring it up. Because in our experience, defining a behavior as "sexual" because it involves genitals leads right to invalidation of asexuality itself--that we clearly "want sex" if we masturbate, even though what we're saying by declaring ourselves asexual is that we are not sexually attracted to others. Masturbation does not mean "you are sexually attracted to others." It means you enjoy the feeling of masturbating, for whatever reason. A gay man might be able to enjoy getting a sexual favor from a woman, but he wouldn't say that makes him sexually attracted to the woman. Similarly, an asexual person might enjoy self-pleasure, but that doesn't mean that asexual is attracted to anyone. That is all we're saying when we call ourselves asexual: that we aren't sexually attracted to others. But masturbation is a behavior, like sex itself, and regardless of whether we do it, we're asexual. (Some people call themselves self-sexual or autosexual, but those are not synonyms for asexuals who masturbate, and non-asexual people use these too.)

11. You're a tease. This is offensive because it suggests we owe people sex if others want it from us, and that we are somehow failing to fulfill our half of an understood deal if we do not deliver. We are not intentionally "teasing" anyone by being unavailable, and saying this about us makes our sexuality about someone else. It's not.

12. You're frigid. This is basically something that's often thrown at women if they dare to make themselves unavailable for sex for any reason, so asexual people hear it pretty often. We're not frigid, cold, unfeeling, or (again) failing to deliver something we owe someone.

13. Playing hard to get? Some hear "I'm asexual" and assume it is a game. Equating our lack of interest in others in a sexual manner with "playing" (expecting the end result to involve being "gotten") strongly suggests that yes means yes and no means we want you to keep trying. That is not a good thing to accuse us of encouraging.

14. You MUST want sex with SOMETHING. As hard as it is to believe, something very central to one person's life might be irrelevant in another's. We really are saying we're not sexually attracted to anyone, and saying we "must" be wrong about ourselves (or that we are lying) shows you're not processing our situation.

15. Asexual or not, why don't you just TRY IT? Some of us have. Some of us don't want to for the same reason that most straight people don't feel obligated (or able) to have sex with a member of their own sex to prove they're not gay. We don't have to try sex to make sure we wouldn't like it; whether we're attracted to others is the basis of whether we're asexual, and attraction tends to play a big part in most people's choices of who to sleep with.

16. Then what's your purpose in life? Some people have a hard time imagining that we could want anything out of life or have any passion for anything if getting a partner or enjoying a partnered life or having children aren't part of what we want. Trust me, suggesting that we have no purpose if we aren't interested in sex is very dismissive and offensive.

17. I can't imagine being like that. There isn't anything technically wrong with saying you can't imagine being us. But we sometimes have to deal with people's reactions of near-disgust, revulsion, and shock, and sometimes it sounds like that: "Dear God, how horrible . . . I can't IMAGINE living like you." So even if that's not quite how you mean it, we don't really need another reminder that most of the world finds our experience foreign. Imagine how you might feel if most people didn't want sex and you did, and whenever you expressed it, you were confronted with "I can't IMAGINE wanting to do THAT." Doesn't it sound kind of like a put-down? I suggest you don't announce your inability to empathize. It's not contributing anything helpful to the discussion.

18. Never?! God, I'd die! This is again acting like the idea of us horrifies you. It also suggests that you're imagining us as suffering, and suggests that you're processing us as "wanting-but-not-getting" instead of "not-getting-because-of-not-wanting." We're not you, so telling us you'd DIE if you were like us is very alienating and again not helpful.

19. But orgasms are wonderful! Putting aside the fact that some of us like orgasms and pursue them in various ways available to us, keep in mind that physical arousal and satisfaction are not sexual attraction. Also, telling us how much you enjoy your sex smacks of talking down to us--like we're missing something vital and you're so sorry for us. I don't react to people talking about sex with stories about how great asexuality is, so if you don't want to risk being interpreted as if you're saying "My life is superior to your life," don't say this.

20. You're depressed, not asexual. Sometimes depression, or medication associated with treatment, does decrease sexual interest and sexual arousal ability. That doesn't mean it's the other way around. Don't tell someone that if they don't want sex they've got a mood disorder. People who are both asexual and depressed do exist, but treating the depression doesn't make them start being attracted to people if they are asexual. And, as usual, it is dismissive to spout off a reason to explain the asexuality instead of accepting it. Especially if you don't know the person well but think yourself able to give a knee-jerk diagnosis.

21. Then what do you do all day? Folks who say this clearly believe that sexuality, and/or the relationships associated with sexuality, are central to their lives and take up a great deal of their time and attention. Without this focus, many people can't imagine what their lives would be like, and imagine asexual people to simply have a void there. The truth is that most people have passions, which they pursue, well, passionately. If you are interested in sex and sexual relationships, you pursue them and give them a lot of attention. Saying that you just don't understand what an asexual person could be DOING all day sounds dismissive.

22. I just want you to be happy. Most people understand that imposing their own desires on other people against those people's will is not about making THOSE people happy. If you say this, or do this, you're communicating that asexual people don't understand happiness and can't actually be content. You're not trusting them to describe their own feelings if you think you need to impose yours. One of the things that tends to make us most UNhappy is that other people feel the need to try to fix us, and it does cause stress. Think about how you feel when people offer you unsolicited advice to an end you aren't interested in--like if your waiter doesn't believe you'll like the meal you order and repeatedly insists that you should try HIS favorite dish. Would you appreciate that? If not, don't tell an asexual person that you continue to attempt to impose change because you're concerned about the asexual's happiness. If you keep saying this, it's clearly about you.

23. So you're going to be a cat lady? The "cat lady" thing is a common reaction to people's attempt to process a person who doesn't want a partner. Putting aside the fact that many asexuals DO want romantic partners (even if they don't want sex with said partners), calling people who want to remain single "cat ladies" constitutes pigeonholing them as pathetic spinsters who hoard cats to assuage their loneliness. We don't like when people assume we're going to live alone mourning our horrible lonely fate. Don't suggest that someone's choices based on orientation are going to lead to an unenviable, desperate life. (Though there are plenty of asexuals who like cats and have some. I'm talking about the stereotype of "cat lady," not just a person who happens to have cats.)

24. You must have SO much free time on your hands! This generally isn't true for the same reason that it's not appropriate to ask us what we do all day. We pursue our passions, whatever those are. I like to think that if I wasn't asexual, I could pursue relationships as passionately as I currently pursue the other activites I love. Saying we must have a lot of free time again communicates that we have an empty space in our lives where sexuality "should" be. We don't process it as an absence, so please don't talk to us like it is.

25. I wish I was asexual, because [any reason]. Many asexuals feel that they are a misunderstood and oppressed minority in many ways. If you say you wish you were one, you don't know what you're asking for, just like we wouldn't know what we'd be asking for if we said we wished we were like you. an asexual person becoming sexually attracted to others would bring on a lot of new problems, surely; the asexual would be exposed to all sorts of unforeseen and difficult-to-process aspects of relationships. The reverse is also true. As asexuals, we have to navigate our relationships differently, and we have to interact with the world despite living inside a sex-obsessed culture we often can't relate to. Saying you wish you were like us because you believe one of your problems would go away can come off as infantalizing--like "your life is easy while mine is hard." Feel free to express what you envy about us in a frank conversation; we may do the same. It's just not always appropriate to say something like this if it appears to come from a position of ignorance.

26. I admire your self control! This constitutes a misconception about asexuality. It's not about resisting the urge; it's not being attracted to others in that way. We aren't resisting sex as a show of self-control.

27. It's great that you're saving yourself. Some people misinterpret asexuality as sexual abstinence, normally carried out as a moral or "purity"-related gesture. That's not what it is. Most asexuals are not abstaining from sex because of a belief that it's best to wait and give sex only to a marriage partner. While we will have individual beliefs about the significance of sex, it is not a collective stance from the community that sex is "for saving."

28. Are you religious? Going hand in hand with the above, asexuality is an orientation, not a choice in association with morals. Some asexuals are religious, just like some of the larger population is religious. But their orientation isn't something they chose or developed because of their religion.

29. You must be so spiritually enlightened! Again, not feeling attracted to people and therefore not having sex with them says nothing about our spiritual status. We also try to avoid reinforcing the misconception that being chaste means being pure. We don't think of ourselves as more evolved, more spiritual, more pure, or more moral, so assuming we have some advantage (or that we THINK we do) is bogus. (You might occasionally see/hear individuals expressing these kinds of sentiments, but you should know that they are not the "position" of asexuals in general.)

30. Aren't you just straight? No. Asexual is not straight. People who say asexual = straight are suggesting that straight is the default . . . that if you don't have an orientation that drives you toward sex and you don't want a same-sex partner, you're automatically heterosexual until proven otherwise. Now, if someone's heteroromantic and you have an honest question about why/whether that person identifies as straight, there are respectful ways to ask that question, but framing asexuality as though it is "just being straight and celibate" is incorrect. Asexuality isn't a placeholder, or "no answer"; it is an actual answer of "none of the above."

31. You must be gay and repressing it. No. Honestly, identifying as asexual is tougher for people to understand than identifying as gay, so if you think we're claiming asexuality to avoid the problems we'd have as homosexuals, it doesn't make sense. Not to mention it's insulting to tell someone they must be hiding from their own feelings just because you have a hard time imagining not being attracted to anyone. Please take people's word for it on what they say they're attracted to. They're the ones having the experience.

32. Stop trying to seem special. We sometimes get accused of identifying as asexual just to get attention. I'm not sure why we'd want the kind of attention we often get for it; what we'd LIKE is for people to listen, conclude we're reasonable, and let us go on with our lives without acting like we should be fixed, counseled, medicated, pitied, or harassed. Sure it happens once in a while that someone has an inauthentic reason for identifying as asexual, and it's always possible someone might be using a sexual orientation (any sexual orientation) to get attention or run with a cause. It isn't helpful at all to suggest that this is the case for anyone you're talking to, though. Even if it turns out to be true, if a person is doing this for attention, you won't be listened to. If the person is NOT doing this for attention (much more likely), you will have just thrown a very dismissive statement at that person and you will be painting yourself as unwilling to listen when that person discusses personal feelings.

33. [Any statement assuming an asexual person is a virgin.] Many asexuals have tried sex. Many have not. Don't assume an asexual person has never had sex, and don't assume that if they haven't done so, it invalidates their ability to know whether they'd like it. Being asexual isn't about whether one would enjoy sex. It's about not being attracted to anyone, and even having good sex will not make an asexual person start being attracted to others. Compare it to whether a gay man could enjoy oral sex from a woman; if he did enjoy it, it still wouldn't mean he therefore is attracted to the woman, and enjoying the experience is very unlikely to make him start finding women attractive in the future. (Not to mention that for many people, sex with a person one is not attracted to is a repugnant idea, and it's not fair to insist that asexuals "should" be indifferent enough to try sex.)

34. Do you think I'm disgusting/animalistic/morally inferior because I like sex? No, we don't. Most of us are sex-positive or at least in favor of everyone being free to pursue sex responsibly however they like (as long as our answer can still be "not at all"). You will occasionally encounter elitists who will look down on you for whatever you believe and practice about sex, but that is just as likely to come from people who do have sex but make different choices about it than you do. It's not inherent to the asexual "lifestyle" that we want to shame people for having sex or for liking it. And while we usually can't understand that drive you talk about, it doesn't mean we're judging you negatively for it.

35. You can't be asexual because you create or enjoy media that contains sex. Some asexuals write stories or produce art that depicts sexuality and/or nudity. Some asexuals have no problem with consuming media that contains sexuality. We are not automatically prudes, and we do not have to be attracted to other people in order to appreciate or create positive portrayals of these relationships. This can be especially difficult to explain if an asexual writer does write sexually explicit material, because people want to know whether we're writing about this because we secretly desire it (or, rather, they reverse the issue and suggest we have no business writing these stories--or that we can't be good at it--if we don't have personal experience). What writers choose to write about has absolutely no bearing on what they want to happen to themselves. It'd be like suggesting that any character who has aspirations of working in a field the author has no interest in is actually betraying the author's secret wishes for a career. Writing can be used to express personal desires but the point is that you shouldn't assume someone must be doing so if that person writes about experiences contrary to personally expressed desires, and you should never use a person's artwork or subject matter to invalidate claims. And for the record, considering the rarity of asexuality, it would be rather ridiculous for asexual writers to be restricted to writing asexual characters. We know and accept that most people are attracted sexually to others, so if we want to write realistic stories we generally have to write at least some of our people with that dimension attached to them.

36. If you wear attractive or revealing clothes, or try to look attractive, you are falsely advertising. People do not present themselves according to socially acceptable aesthetic guidelines solely to attract mates or keep existing mates happy. Most people do not make a conscious decision to avoid hygiene or flattering clothes based on a belief that they will not see potential mates or existing mates that day. Appearance is used to judge people for many other reasons besides sexual interest, and I think it's pretty fair to say most of us want to look good even if we're not trying to attract partners. This also is aimed at women much more often than men and is sometimes framed in a way that sounds like slut-shaming: namely, if you don't either go out of your way to avoid someone being attracted to you OR, God forbid, you do wear flattering clothes or makeup, you owe people who get attracted to you some kind of follow-through. If you reply that you're not interested, you are perceived as reneging on an understood contract. This isn't okay. Don't tell asexuals that they're doing something unfair or inconsistent if you think they look nice.

37. But you say perverted things/have a dirty mind/laugh at sex humor, so you can't be asexual. Again, jokes, language, and seeing sexual content readily does not indicate a brain primed for sexual attraction. Asexuals are just as varied on this point as the general population; some appreciate dirty humor or make sex jokes or can pick up on sexual undertone, and doing so does not undermine their claim to be asexual. You generally shouldn't say anything to an asexual person that concludes with the phrase "so you can't be asexual."

38. How did you become asexual? I really want to get rid of my urges. Most people who say this are misunderstanding asexuality as lack of sex drive. If they wish to get rid of their sexual urges because they are distracting or annoying or lead them to make bad decisions, that is unfortunate, but asexuals can't guide them on "learning" to not be attracted to anyone, and they didn't make their own libido go away. This would be like asking a gay person to teach you how to start being attracted to members of your own gender. So please try not to mix up sexual attraction and sex drive, and please don't request that we somehow tutor you to change what you desire.

39. I'll avoid mentioning sex in front of you. Please don't assume you need to do this. If anyone--asexual or not--asks you to avoid certain topics, go for it. But it's unlikely that casual mentions of sex will disgust your asexual friends and family, and explicit discussions of sex are probably something you should get the okay for when having them with anyone. We're not disgusted by the fact that you have sex (at least, not as a rule), and you don't need to censor yourself for us. If you want to know how a particular asexual feels about this subject, ask instead of assume. Blurting out that you know we'll be horrified has a "let's not talk about this in front of the children" feeling and we generally don't like it.

40. So you're an alien/not human? Very few experiences are more othering than being told sexuality is the defining feature of humanity and that we are therefore excluded from the species. We understand that your inability to process a non-sexual human may be profound, but please don't say anything that would make asexual people feel that you don't consider them human unless they want sex.

41. If you're confused about your gender, have a non-binary gender identity, or are transgender, it's causing the asexuality. Gender and sexual orientation do tend to affect one another, but designating one as a "symptom" of the other doesn't contribute information that leads to any real understanding. It's true that some trans people complete transition and realize they do start to experience sexual attraction. It's true that sexuality and gender can be fluid, and that some people not relating strongly to one of the most popular genders sometimes has an effect on interest in interacting sexually. These relationships for non-cisgender and gender-questioning people tend to be complicated. Striding into a conversation invalidating people's sexual orientation because their gender isn't in the mainstream is ill advised.

42. I can believe in asexuality for women, but not for men. Guys can't be asexual. You're going to encounter plenty of male people who disagree with this. Men are usually expected to have a higher sex drive, and are usually expected to personally value sex more because of the societally mandated pressures to succeed as a man being so focused around sexual success. Independently of their sex drive, present or not, men are still capable of not experiencing sexual attraction. Saying this is insulting to asexual men, but it's also insulting to women in general because it suggests females aren't really supposed to value sex and that it's more normal for women to be expected to just put up with it. That's not a sensitive thing to say to anyone.

43. Are you a serial killer? Said jokingly, I suppose, but don't say stuff like this. This sarcastic question and others which suggest lack of sexuality indicates extreme immoral behavior contain many layers of baggage. It suggests lack of sex is probably driving someone to behave in a criminally insane way. It suggests a severe lack of balance that you attach to the asexual person as a way of verbalizing how aberrant and inhuman it is to not want sex. It makes a leap to understanding asexuals as dangerous members of the fringe of the society who are unstable and whose asexuality is a sign of this. Really, don't say this.

44. Have you tried counseling? Please talk to a psychiatrist. Unless we are really close friends, please don't bring up our mental health in a casual conversation, first off. But of course, this is dismissive too. This suggests that we should be trying to figure out what's "wrong" with us and working through trying to "fix" ourselves so that we will either want sex or tolerate it. So we can be normal and whatnot. Homosexuals used to get this; now it's very unlikely that a gay person deciding to go to a mental health professional will result in "let's figure out what made you gay and try to reverse it." Asexuals are in the same boat except that our orientation is still considered a mental disorder in the diagnostic handbook and sometimes our mental health professionals DO believe the asexuality is a symptom even if we're getting help for something unrelated to that. If you want to be supportive of asexuals, please don't tell us to try to find a different way to approach our sexuality and our relationships. If we're unhappy with ourselves, it's our responsibility to change it, and unsolicited advice in this area is unwelcome.

45. I'm just trying to help you. It doesn't feel like you're trying to "help" us if what you're doing is pushing your philosophy on us. Chances are, if we've told you we're asexual, we like ourselves that way and we aren't going to be enticed to "change" just because you keep telling us how concerned you are. This is especially suspicious if you're not particularly nosy about the state of any other aspect of our health. If you develop an unhealthy fixation with whether our sex lives look enough like yours yet out of pure concern for our health and happiness, it begs the question of why you're not asking for updates on our bowel movements or monitoring our water intake. (If you are doing those things too, please stop being creepy.)

46. You're only asexual because no one will sleep with you. Asexuality is a statement of not being attracted to others, not a statement about whether or how much we have sex. In case you hadn't guessed, it's not appropriate to suggest that someone is pretending not to be attracted to anyone in order to explain away the lack of sex partners. It doesn't feel good to get told we're lying to save face and treated like lack of sex is something we should be ashamed of. Regardless of whether we would find it easy to get a willing sex partner, we aren't attracted to others, and THAT is our reason for not seeking it out.

47. [Using "needs to get laid" as a synonym for "uptight" or "bitchy."] This is especially hurtful for celibate people to hear, asexual or not. Nobody likes seeing expressed anger or negative emotion being written off as a symptom of not getting enough sex. Since asexuals often (but not always) prefer not having sex, this can always be whipped out as a trump card to explain any behavior you don't like. If you don't understand why it would be wrong to invalidate a woman's complaints by telling her she must be on her period, you won't understand this either, but believe me when I say it's comparable in offensiveness.

48. It's okay, you'll find someone! Don't reassure the asexual that one day a partner to be happy with (and be like everyone else) will appear. Offering pity for a situation the asexual doesn't find pitiable is insulting.

49. You just haven't met the right person yet. This is a suggestion that you clearly know the future and the asexual doesn't. If you want the asexual to be open to the idea that in the future asexuality might not apply anymore as a definition, you need to be equally respectful of the fact that you don't know that will happen. Obviously unexpected things happen to some of us and they influence how we think about sex and relationships. But just like it would be inappropriate to tell a bride and groom that statistics show they aren't likely to make it to their tenth anniversary, it isn't appropriate to tell asexuals that one day everything they consider integral about their sexual orientation is going to spin on a dime at the appearance of "the right person." Don't hand down the "you'll see" platitude. It will just make you look like a jerk.

50. Try me and I'll change that. It's likely you know better than to say this, because we're not really playing Asexual Bingo here, but I'll address this. No, sex with you is not going to show us how great sex is and make a switch flip on for our ability to get attracted to others. And no, it's not close-minded of us to refuse to "try" you. If you're a straight guy and your feelings about getting oral sex from a man can't be described as "indifferent," you may understand why you can't expect an asexual person to just try. Some asexuals aren't just expressing that they aren't excited about or interested in sex; some are actually repulsed by it (as many straight people would be if the only sex available was gay sex). Don't offer to try it with us as if it's a favor to us for the benefit of our self-exploration, and don't act like our unwillingness to have sex has revealed an attitude problem on our part.

51. It's just a phase. It's true that sometimes people take a while to figure themselves out. Some people do go through phases, and it shouldn't reflect poorly on your opinion of asexuality if you've heard of or met a person who was initially mistaken in choosing that label. And the trouble with asexuality is that you can't prove a negative, so if it turns out a person is just a late-blooming gay person, that may externally look like asexuality before the blooming starts. That's not asexuality's fault, and it's also very frustrating especially for young asexuals if their friends and family react to their coming out by dismissing their feelings as nothing but an immature phase.

52. You'll grow out of it! Hand in hand with the above is the suggestion that late bloomers will grow up and not be asexual anymore. In the asexual community, we do tend to encourage teens to stay very in touch with themselves while understanding their sexuality, and to not deliberately squash or avoid sexual feelings if they do become part of their identity later on. What's important about teens not getting mocked for thinking they're asexual is that if they really are, they're figuring that out about the same time other people are figuring out that they want sex, and they're probably wondering what's wrong with them. There is nothing to be gained from trying to dismiss a young asexual as necessarily facing a future "maturation" into more traditional sexuality. It's important for them to know that asexuality is a valid option--that they don't have to grow up thinking they're broken because they aren't interested in what their friends are interested in. If you do not want to be part of the oppressive majority that instills kids with the feeling that they are inferior because of this, don't say this.

53. I used to be asexual but outgrew it/I know someone who was asexual but isn't now. Well, this is irrelevant. Your experience or someone else's experience doesn't invalidate ours. I should note that it's interesting to talk to people who thought they were asexual and realized it wasn't true (like a couple members of the trans community I've talked to who once identified as asexual but realized it didn't apply anymore after their transition). You're free to share your experiences with us if you ever thought you were like us, but please don't hand it down as "I got over it; you will too."

54. Don't you think you'll regret that? Asexuality's not a decision and we didn't sign a contract, so if one day we wish we'd made a different choice and we feel that we should act on desires we didn't used to feel, we can change at any time in our lives. Just like straight people can wake up gay one day without worrying the whole time they're straight whether they're missing out on good gay sex. (Obviously straight people don't wake up gay very often. That's kind of what I'm saying here.) Most of us understand that we can discard the label if one day it no longer fits us. There's nothing to regret because we did not sign a pledge to avoid sex forever. It's not an oath.

55. If you tried it once and didn't like it, try again. Some people who say this are assuming we "tried" and had a bad experience and concluded once and for all that sex was not worth it. The first problem with this is that sexual attraction is something people experience before ever having sex for the first time, and they don't have to prove that they're feeling it or get "switched on" to the idea despite having no inkling that it would feel good. They're compelled by sexual attraction. We're not. Trying it anyway isn't going to change whether we're attracted to others, though it may help us understand what we're willing to do sexually. And the second problem with this is that trying "again" isn't going to satisfy anyone who says this. If we try a second time, a third time, a fourth time, to like sex and we fail, we will continue to be bombarded with suggestions that we try a different partner, a different gender, a different position, a different time of the month, whatever. As long as we keep trying until we like it, that is. This is absurd because again we can't prove a negative.

56. I feel bad for you. You'll never know what love is. This should be obvious, but asexual people have the ability to feel love. Even romantic love, except without sexual attraction. Don't dismiss this or offer pity because an asexual person won't experience exactly what you do when you love, or you will look like a jerk.

57. You're being selfish by denying your romantic partner(s) a sexual relationship. All I can say here is it goes both ways. The issue here is sexual incompatibility, not "the asexual person doesn't give sex enough." Since the asexual person could turn around and say it's selfish for the sexually interested partner to apply pressure for sex and set it up as an obligation, a relationship between someone who wants sex and someone who doesn't requires compromise. Don't tell asexuals that they're failing to provide something that any reasonable person would be expected to offer in a relationship. Whether we do so is up to us and our partners, not outside third parties who assign us the "problem" in the relationship.

58. It's fine with me if you want to take it slow. Some people interpret asexuality as "wants to take it slow," and that's wrong. Don't interpret an asexual person's orientation statement as though it means something else and that you will someday be able to wear the asexual down into having a sexual relationship. How you negotiate your relationship (if you have one) is between you and the asexual, but implying that you WILL "slowly" be moving toward one particular end is not a good sign.

59. Humans are sexual by nature. And then some aren't. Insisting that it just "can't" happen because you define human this way is an extremely dismissive and exclusionary thing to say. No asexual is going to listen to you saying "humans are sexual by nature" and then just nod and realize this must be a big lie. We can't turn on that so-called nature. And we're human.

60. You know if everyone was like you there'd be no more babies, right? Reproduction is completely irrelevant to a conversation about asexuality. Some asexuals still want to reproduce (and can do so), but beyond that no asexuals are advocating a mass conversion to asexuality for everyone else. Why would you say this?

61. I saw that on an episode of House. It can be cured. This is a newer one because of the House, M.D. episode "Better Half" that aired in January of 2012. Dr. House was suspicious of an asexual couple, claimed that everyone wants sex unless there's a problem, diagnosed the man as having a pituitary tumor and exposed the woman as a liar, and concluded "If you don't want sex, you're either dead, dying, or lying." Not a good takeaway point. So now people have already started internalizing that asexuality is a medical disorder that can be cured, and we're being encouraged to have our brains scanned for tumors. Unless someone's medical stats are an appropriate discussion topic, I recommend against ever telling someone they might have a tumor because, well, House said so.

62. Get your hormones checked. Similar to the above: the insistence that we are sick and in need of medical intervention. This is so common that absolutely everyone says it. Let it be known that hormone deficiencies cause other physical, mental, and emotional issues besides lack of sexual interest/sex drive, so suggesting a hormonal imbalance JUST BASED ON ASEXUALITY is perhaps well-meaning but inappropriate. Please don't react to our orientation with "are you sure you're not sick?" It's honestly not any more okay to say that than it would be to explain a lesbian's homosexuality away with a hormone problem.

63. Have you been diagnosed? Some people think we can't actually "be" asexual unless a doctor has certified it. This is the only way some people can accept that something unusual is "real": if a medical professional signed off on it. Doctors can't diagnose a sexual orientation. You weren't diagnosed as straight or gay by a doctor. This is the same. Don't say this.

64. There's a pill for that. No, there isn't. There is a pill for erectile dysfunction and/or libido increasing, but as mentioned before, sex drive is not sexual attraction and nobody who's being supportive should want to suggest asexuals need to be medicated.

65. You're not even attracted to [insert attractive celebrity]?? No, we're not. This is no different from a straight woman saying she's not attracted to other women, followed by a disbelieving "But . . . not even [female celebrity]?" If femaleness isn't attractive to you, even excellent examples of it don't change the answer. We hear this a lot so please leave it out.

66. But why do we need to "raise awareness"? It's not like people are getting asexual bashed. There are a few cases of rape because of a person claiming asexuality, but overall no, we aren't usually attacked physically over our orientation. It's something that we're grateful doesn't happen to us. But if you think the only reason to raise awareness is if it prevents physical violence, you're wrong. Mostly, we'd like to foster an experience of coming out that doesn't get followed by a thirty- to forty-minute education session during which we pretty much have to defend the existence of the orientation we just came out as. It's marginalizing and depressing to grow up with repeated messages that you're broken, too. We need to raise awareness for many reasons, and YOU personally not seeing it as important and YOU personally not being affected by asexual invisibility does not justify you questioning our need to educate on the subject.

67. But isn't racism [or, insert any issue] a bigger problem? Why don't you focus on that? The existence of objectively or subjectively "bigger" problems does not preclude the need for discussion about asexuality. Don't derail a conversation into accusing the asexual person of needing to worry about something you think is more important. This suggests that asexual people's problems are insignificant and that you get to determine what's a big enough problem to warrant discussion.

68. You're not a young adult, so you must have tried sex at some point. Many older asexuals have indeed tried sex, especially if they lived during a time or in a place with a strong pressure to get married. Many younger asexuals have felt this pressure too and have had sex for their own curiosity or under the pressure of another person or because they honestly wanted to compromise with their partners. But it's kind of weird to assume that nobody could have voluntarily lived to middle age or older without having sex, so . . . just like you shouldn't assume an asexual person is a virgin, you also shouldn't assume an asexual person is sexually experienced.