Being that I don't take lovers, I'd never thought about my 21 Things. But then I realized that's just silly. Just because I don't do the nasty--and just because I'm not looking for a "partner" in the usual sense of the word--does not mean that every friendship is not a partnership that's important, and it does not mean that I don't have a list of qualities that I prefer. So I decided to come up with MINE and share it.

21 Things SwankiVY Wants in a Close-Relationship-Of-any-Kind:
("not necessarily needs but qualities that I prefer")

1. She is honest. With others and with herself. This is very very important. She can't feed me lines because she thinks I'll like her better if she pretends to have an opinion she doesn't have, and she can't hide things from me that I need to know. And besides being honest, she deliberately includes me; she opens up and tells me what she wants me to know. She never sits back and expects me to root out the truth, or considers it a sign that I don't care enough if I don't try or don't get it right; conversely, she WANTS me to know the truth and is all too happy to give it to me.

2. He is not manipulative. He does NOT play mind games. I mean it. This is on the "not necessarily needs" list and all but I think this might as well be a must. He does not tell me one thing is wrong when it's really something else, because he knows I'm asking because I really want to know. He does not attempt to get me to ask the "right" question or do the "right" thing before he lets me in; he doesn't expect me to pass tests. He is an open book and I can trust him to never try to use my emotions against me or elicit me to feel something for his own purposes.

3. He shares a huge number of my interests in entertainment--enough to catch most of my references, and delight in that--and matches my taste well enough that he knows which of his interests that I *don't* share will appeal to me. He recommends them to me without restraint and engages in enjoying them with me, and lets me do the same. That said, if I had to choose, I would much rather have him be well-read than well-versed in my favorite TV, movies, or music. I think music comes in second and visual entertainment third, with a few exceptions.

4. She is selfless enough to spend her time and money on me without thinking I "owe" her, and doesn't keep score beyond what's reasonable, but not to the point that she hurts herself. She knows where to stop short of making me uncomfortable with her giving, and knows when it's okay to ask of me and take of me in a similar fashion.

5. She loves herself. I know that sounds a little strange. But the people I get along with best are people who do not have poor-me syndrome, do not need me to motivate them toward loving themselves, and are ready to make our life together better without being bad off in the first place. She does not need rescue. The best way to describe it is that I want to be friends with her because if something is not bringing her down, her default state is a basic contentment with life because she's done what she needs to do to make it her own and she is satisfied with who she is while still accepting that she can always be more. I have a real problem getting close with people who have that "I can finally be happy when I get/achieve/find/do [fill in the blank]" syndrome. I want her to work toward those goals, but I don't want her to spend her life wildly dissatisfied until such time as she achieves them. I've found that such people often get what they want and find they still aren't happy.

6. I never run out of things to talk about with her. I want to talk and talk and everything she says makes me think of ten more things I want to say, and her stories and philosophies and anecdotes and opinions truly keep me interested. Hopefully we don't ever fall out of touch long enough for this next thing to happen, but if we don't talk for a long time, we naturally pick back up where we left off.

7. Ideally, he can sing or play an instrument. If not this, he at least enjoys listening to the music that inspires me, and really *appreciates* it, seeks it out and listens to it on his own rather than just humoring me and saying "yeah it's good" or something. There is nothing like finding someone to sing with, especially if he can handle singing in harmony.

8. He's willing to read my writing. And I don't mean in a way that makes me feel like he's humoring me. I want him to be eager to explore my worlds, because they are me. I want him smitten with my characters, and I want his opinions on my work without having to reel them out of him like I'm on a fishing boat.

9. He has at least one creative talent that I delight in experiencing. And he is passionate about it and driven, sometimes to the point that others think it's a little psycho. He must have an artistic soul--and not just in a wishy-washy, "someday I'll write a book" way. He is driven enough to have actually done it--and it's not the accomplishment I'm interested in, it's that the drive was strong enough to have written at least the beginning of that book, recorded a version of that song, painted a first draft of that picture, begun that weird project of his.

10. He is a producer much more than he is a consumer. This goes hand in hand with the above, but it's not quite the same thing since it describes attitude rather than practice. This means that he should be rarely bored--almost never "just looking for something to do" and thus content to stare at a screen watching a movie he's seen a billion times but isn't particularly into--someone who regularly finds himself "killing time" does not have this attitude. HIS attitude is one of, "Wow, I can't wait to get home from work and DO THIS!" He spends much more time creating, producing, than he does just trying to find something to entertain himself until it's time to do something else he's required to do. Please do understand that I don't condemn TV-watching, movie-watching, book-reading, or consumption of entertainment in general (duh); I just find I click better with people who also enjoy being part of their own entertainment. He turns on the TV to watch something specific he's interested in, not just for something to do because his brain is only half on (and he turns it off when it's over instead of just sitting around in passive entertainment mode constantly). He plays video games because he enjoys the quest and considers it his form of being social, or he reads a book because he just can't wait to find out what happens. And then when he's done he's got food for thought. And he uses it to fertilize the soil in his mind to plant some creativity seeds. This is really important.

11. She is intelligent. It might even be better for me if she is slightly smarter than I am, because I'll never fall into feeling like I'm waiting for her to catch up when I make mental leaps (but I probably couldn't get along with her too well if it was always ME who was running to keep up, too).

12. He is not caught up in any delusions. I can't have a good relationship with someone if I'm always feeling like I have to humor them in one area of life where they're being intellectually dishonest. He doesn't trick himself and he doesn't unquestioningly follow a political, religious, or social dogma to the exclusion of logic and personal opinion.

13. She never expresses to me that she thinks we could be "closer" if I wasn't asexual, as if it is a disappointment and a barrier in our relationship. My sexual orientation shouldn't have anything to do with it, and that's hard to find in any friend who's sexually attracted to women but it's possible (and I have met a few, thank you). She does not have to pretend my asexuality does not exist and act as though it is a subject that must be tiptoed around, but she must not think its existence gets in our way. Another good way to express it is that she must not demote our friendship to lower or less-important status than "a real relationship" by putting "just" in front of "friends."

14. He thinks I am fascinating. That sounds egotistical, of course, but the best friends I've had are people I've known more than a decade who are still fascinated by who I am and what I do--I don't stop being interesting to them, and they don't ever feel like they've read/experienced/heard/learned everything there is to know about me. And I have to say that it's very important that the fascination never goes as far as to make me feel cross-examined or "revered" enough to be put on a pedestal (which necessarily increases the distance, and increases the feeling that there is a clearly-defined status of lover vs. loved).

15. He cares about social, political, and environmental issues that I care about, AND DEMONSTRATES THAT CARE. You can't say you care about the environment and then do things that are destructive to it through laziness or carelessness. Caring means you care and you do something about it. He doesn't have to be obsessed with it, but when something pisses him off enough he should be driven to write a letter and send it, donate to the cause, or attend the meeting or rally. He practices what he preaches. And furthermore, he is not racist, sexist, homophobic, or otherwise prejudiced, but that should go without saying. Every person should be regarded as an individual who deserves respect, and that should be reflected in his speech and attitude, not just in who he chooses to hire.

16. She doesn't keep secrets from me. I'm not talking about birthday presents or secrets other people have trusted her not to tell. I'm talking about those secrets she fears will "make me not like her" which she withholds until we've become close enough that it's terrible she hasn't told me yet. In fact, she confides in me things she's never told anyone else because we just have that comfort level.

17. She doesn't try to change me except in ways I have expressed that I want to change. I can't stand being nagged by people I care about--people who roll their eyes and claim that I just need to get over it and start liking their dog, or drop frequent hints that I really should check out their church. She respects who I am and never makes stupid cutting remarks to try to shame me into being what she wants.

18. He is polite. And this means he is considerate of other people's wishes and puts them before his own comfort. If he smokes and he's around people who don't like it, I would expect his attitude to be more like "Okay, I'll go outside and smoke so it doesn't bug you" rather than "Well fuck them, they can get the hell over it." He keeps his mouth shut when he chews and attempts not to swear around little fuckin' kids. (And if he does do something I think is uncool, he doesn't take it like a vicious personal attack if I suggest he do otherwise.) But . . . that said . . . he does choose his battles. He knows when tackling an issue is more important than being thought polite, like drawing the line so he doesn't feel compelled to correct someone's grammar while they're talking but DOES break in and point out a person's ignorance if they're spouting racism or something. I don't expect him to tolerate things that shouldn't be tolerated out of politeness. I just want him to have some self-restraint and some consideration; I should never be embarrassed to be sitting with him or annoyed by something he just won't stop doing despite what I've asked of him.

19. She is childlike. She has somehow retained that special kid-wonder in spite of years of adulthood weighing on her shoulders. She remains dazzled by the world and tickled by the sky. She is not "immature." She is mature but childlike. There is a difference. She will never make fun of me for wanting to eat the cookie dough; she will never refuse to do something because "it's for kids"; she still watches cartoons and makes forts out of couch cushions. She hasn't turned into a robot and she knows how to have fun. And she probably still thinks poop is funny.

20. He is not needy. This is a little hard to explain. I want him to be important to me and I want to be important to him. But I don't want him to depend on me for entertainment/love/validation/life's frigging meaning. I am not "the answer" for him, and he also doesn't need my attention all the time to feel like I love him. He was okay before I came along and he's okay when I'm not around, and this goes hand in hand with him not being possessive or jealous. If he is confrontational, sulky, or demanding about wresting MY TIME from ME, then he will be receiving less of it. Our relationship enhances the quality of both of our lives, but my presence and attention are not absolutely essential to his well-being. He must be his own person and not act like a lovesick puppy. He can miss me when I'm gone, but he shouldn't spend an inordinate amount of time sulking about it. He knows he can call me or e-mail me or otherwise contact me when he could really use a shot of vitamin SwankiVY and he can COUNT ON me but I do not want him DEPENDING ON me.

21. I recognized something special about him either on sight or the first time we had a conversation, and kept thinking about him after our first interaction was over, thinking, "There's something special about that one." And I find out later he felt the same about me. Somehow we recognized each other's kindred spirits and recognized that we were cut from the same cloth.

I especially liked the comments about jealousy. My partner Rose and I do not have a jealous bone in our bodies and we have cultivated many friendships with others over 24 years of living together - never doubted for a second each other's faithfulness.

Continue the good work!

• Lyrics to Alanis's "21 Things"

• Listen to the song on a YouTube post