This page is dedicated to displaying my conversations with ass-faces who felt the need to display their prickish natures on my computer screen. These do not include the cybersex attempts; for those, go to the companion page here. Or the religious conversations with morons would work too. Read on. (Names have been changed to protect the undeserving losers.)

Jerk #1: "I'm a DJ. You interest me. Did I mention I'm a DJ?" This is a guy who seemed to think being a local celebrity would cause me to fall all over him. The attempts to charm me worked wonders, as you can see. Not a first-class jerk, but certainly annoying.

Jerk #2: "Are you some kind of robot?" This dude accused me of having a stick up my ass and putting on an act just because my typing is precise and correct.

Jerk #3: "r u cute?" This guy opened by insulting my musical taste, and it got worse from there. Basically a conversation about physical beauty being a prerequisite to attaining the privilege of talking to this fine specimen of a man.

Jerk #4: "You can't draw!" This unsolicited e-mail rated my drawings as so horrible that they hurt the eyes. Its author was appalled that I bill myself to be "any good."

Jerk #5: "i hate your site! hahahahaha!" A child apparently wants to push my buttons—when replying, I got an irate mom. Maybe.

Jerk #6: "stop trying to be something your not!" Larry apparently didn't like the way I was presenting myself online and took me to have my head up my butt, to use his wording for it. I still have no idea what caused the judgment, but go ahead and read for yourself.

Jerk #7: "WHY DID U REPORT ME??" A potty-mouthed child was punished with a TOS warning while I was hosting my Kids' WB! chat room. He was very angry with me and decided to voice his complaint in IMs. Beware the exceedingly foul language.

Jerk #8: "link to me, bitch!" I refused to link to a commercial site on my homepage, and got this guy pissed at me for being "unfriendly." Go fig.

Jerk #9: "I'm sorry I dont fall into your family moralistic values catagory as a self serving Christian. . . . " I was SERIOUSLY misinterpreted by a very rude kid who is apparently so sure he's going to be discriminated against that he finds oppression even in the most friendly statement. . . .

Jerk #10: "You think your profile is unique? WRONG! You're an idiot!" Someone took time out of his day to IM me for no other reason except to tell me that I spent too much time on my AOL profile and am therefore completely lame. Just a bit of irony here. (After all, which one of us was browsing said lame profiles?)

Jerk #11: "i want it all, the looks AND the brain" This particular jerk proves his jerkship by categorizing his exclusive liking for pretty girls as a simple desire for "honesty." My pretty white ass.

Jerk #12: "This is anonymous, so let me slam you hard!" A jerk who thrives on leaving unattributable "you suck!" comments in my guestbook, and tells me I'm ugly on top of it.

Jerk #13: "sup? im from AOL. gimme ur passwrd plz, or just some sex." This phisher tried to get my password without even trying to sound all "official." Got to be the dumbest phisher ever.

Jerk #14: "I hate you. E-mail me!" Someone signs my guestbook in an attempt to bring my wrath down upon an undeserving person—that's my theory anyway.

Jerk #15: "You hacked my computer to put yourself on my buddy list!" A confused soul puts himself at the center of a conspiracy drama that is only in his head.

Jerk #16: "Why do you carry on a facade of intelligence?" A random asshole claims a perfect SAT score and attendance at Harvard, at which point I was supposed to cry because I'm so inferior. Guess again.

Jerk #17: "Help me! wut? u cant? ur a RUDE IDIOT!" A young'un hits me up for information I don't have, then throws a tantrum when I'm straight to the point about being unable to deliver it. The situation escalates and she attempts (laughably) to embarrass me publicly.

Jerk #18: "I'm a scary hacker, let's fill your guestbook with the word 'cock.'" Someone finds a security hole in Dreambook, and makes an amusing attempt to offend me or piss me off.

Jerk #19: "Do you model?" Some ass thinks his approach is smooth, and offers me a business deal and eventually sex based on my "look." Whether I'm interested in this deal is irrelevant, because the response is always, "Sure you do."

Jerk #20: "MUSIC AND BEER LIKE EVERY PARTY! DUH!" I'm so flattered by the fact that I've been invited to THIS shindig. . . .

Jerk #21: "Got a panty pic?" Ass-face here requests panty pics, then calls ME a freak because of my response!

Jerk #22: "You use AOL. How dare you like it!" A rude guestbook entry in which it is suggested that my use of AOL reflects negatively on my intelligence.

Jerk #23: "I'm an anarchist because I read Fight Club!" Apparently pretending to join my cliques helps this young man feel rebellious.

Jerk #24: "u can be much hapier if u open up" . . . Covering all the bases of complete insensitive ignorance, this charming chatter insists that my disinterest in drinking and sex indicates a need for therapy.

Jerk #25: "i canot folow direcshuns n its ur fault!!!" Another idiot who can't read blames her difficulties on me.

Jerk #26: "hahahah u r not smart enogh to block me from saying f u c k" . . . Someone criticizes my "computer skills" because my guestbook's automatic swear filter couldn't stop him from typing cuss words into my guestbook. (Oh, and I'm ugly.)

Jerk #27: "How DARE you insist that American measurements could be used by anyone civilised!" A fellow E2 baker refuses to acknowledge the standard of American baking measurements, telling me that my belief that they are standard and easily converted to European measurements indicates a typically American self-centeredness. Read on.

Jerk #28: "You are the female Comic Book Guy because you have literary standards! (Oh, and you need lesbian sex.)" An idiot responds to my review of Eragon, informing me that anyone who writes something this in-depth needs to buy a dildo.

Jerk #29: "your gay and im gonna kill you" Beware racial slurs and strong language in this one. I randomly get insulted by someone who claims that spelling is my only asset, and that therefore he is going to kill me. As soon as I tell him my address. Read on.

Jerk #30: "Are You A Hippy?" A moronic teen on MySpace asks odd questions and proceeds to follow the exact instructions in How NOT to Argue 101.

Jerk #31: "Everything on the Internet is a LIE!" Someone who can't even leave me a real e-mail address tries to call me out as a liar based on incredibly poor evidence.

Sarah: Wow, I admire you for maintaining a civil attitude and not jumping down their throats at every major grammar, punctuation, and spelling mistake made. It's a shame that a lot of people can't spell out simple words like "you" and "are" and have no clue that there's a big difference between "your" and "you're"...it's ridiculous. I'm guessing that most (if not all) of the people who bothered you are from the U.S. The education of a good chunk of our country's population seems to be lacking in certain areas. *Tsk tsk* Anyway, I think your site's great. I enjoy reading your writings and little rants. And, yes, you do resemble a pixie.
-Sarah